This past summer I was granted the opportunity to cover a few panels at the TCA’s, the Television Critics Association’s never-ending trolley of gift bags, unhealthy food and forced awkward panels discussing the new and old shows coming this fall: The Muppets! The Walking Dead Grey’s Anatomy! Tyra Banks’ Fab Life, a new talk show that is going to get us to embrace yellow as the in color and undoubtedly will change talk shows forever.

I could’ve muscled my way into joining the media hordes interviewing Ron Perlman, Chuck Bass, Viola Davis or Jeffrey Tambor.

Instead, I met Pacey, the only dude in the circle of press surrounding star Joshua Jackson after he absolutely stole The Affair panel. That’s not easy to do when you’re sharing the stage with Dominic West, America’s sweetheart Maura Tierney and Golden Globe winning actress Ruth Wilson for the Golden Globe winning drama from creator Sarah Treem, but Jackson was clearly at his most comfortable answering the questions of the story hungry press. It’s as if he’s been doing it for more than twenty years (get ready to feel old: The Mighty Ducks came out in 1992).

I may have watched The Affair anyways, but I certainly made it a priority last year because it starred Jackson as Cole, a dark and mysterious rancher embroiled in this sorrowful saga of adultery. The Affair is painful, gripping and tedious. Its whole premise is in the margin of anachronisms, so perhaps it’s not surprising that it somehow makes a trip to the Hamptons for some good old-fashioned wife betraying seem new, thanks to the multiple perspective conceit of the show. We see the same dreadful vacation unfold from the eyes of the two lovers, Noah (West) and Alison (Wilson). Jackson’s character, Cole, is Alison’s husband, and one of many casualties in Noah and Alison’s courtship. But it’s clear he’s been broken and incapable of connecting with Alison since the loss of their son. Nothing we see of Cole from either POV is flattering: he’s a liar, maybe a criminal, possibly a rapist, and certainly angry, jealous and screwed up well before Noah’s family visits the Hamptons. But this comes from the lens of Noah and Alison. Who is Cole, really?

What makes season 2 of The Affair so exciting is that in addition to Noah and Alison’s POV’s this year, we get to see the story from Helen (Tierney, ever the unsung hero) and Cole’s perspectives. That means more Josh Jackson.

After talking with him at the TCA’s about the difficulties of The Affair and its premise, his parent’s divorce and his growing role on the show, that’s clearly a good thing. Then again, I’m not exactly an unbiased narrator.

“We all want to follow our narrator, our hero, right? It is really really unusual for a television show, a play, a film, it doesn’t matter, for any piece of entertainment, to not present you with that truth so that you can attach yourself to that story and feel good, or bad or whatever you’re supposed to feel as you go along with it. But that is the central purpose of our show,” Jackson said.

This conceit seemed to ruffle many critics and audience members, unused to the format. But to Jackson, that’s the whole point.

“We all laugh about it, because everybody’s who been in a relationship has had that moment. ‘Honey, that’s not what happened.’ I said this, no you said that, you know? The essential truth of the show is the idea that you’re only living your own story. You can share it as much as possible, but ultimately we’re all individuals stuck inside of our own perspective. That to me is real. Everybody has dealt with that. I understand the discomfort of not having an objective narrator, the god’s eye view or the single specific character you’re following that is the truth of the show…but to me, there’s nothing about the format of mis-recollection that is all that far out there. Because we all live that, in ways large and small. I can tell you, in my household, it comes up all the time.”

It also rings true with his upbringing, being the child of what he describes as an ugly divorce.

“Here’s an empirical event. My parents are divorced. If you talk to my Mom and you talk to my Dad, about what led up to that event, how that happened, the fallout of it, it’s two wildly different stories, even though the empirical event was the same. There can be things that are empirically true, but even your recollection of that empirical event can be completely, totally different.”

These fractured stories of the same event, and Jackson’s own viewpoint is what sold him on the show in the first place.

“I caught myself having a biased moment. There’s a lot of gender politics that go into the reason why Noah’s perspective is first. We have a tendency, sorry ladies, to find men more credible than women. [creator] Sarah’s not dumb, she knows that, so she was playing against our own biases, to put the man first. Okay that must be the truth, and now we show the woman second. Certainly for me, she got me immediately. The first scene where there was a divergence between the two stories, my instinctual reaction was, ‘Why is she lying about this?’ And I think that’s brilliant. That’s what got me hooked.”

It also makes the actors a little crazy.

“Because we get into these logic loops, and honestly we spend an inordinate amount of time on set, being like, ‘Okay, so we’ve been together for 16 years, we lost a child. But you just had this horrible thing with my mother, so you’d be kind of pissed off at me. And I would be coming from the place that I was, so you would remember that I was in that place, but my mother’s thing would have definitely informed how you were feeling in this moment, so maybe we’d see this…’ It’s unending.”

So is the show’s dreary atmosphere. One thing that stands out in The Affair’s promos is how haggard Cole looks.

“He’s gone through an obviously pretty bad time. But I loved being able to, finally, this guy who’s been brood-ish and emotionally distant, certainly from Noah’s side, and even on Allison’s side frankly, the place that they are in their relationship, she’s not really seeing a whole or emotionally capable man there. And to see that guy who is the broad shouldered guy who takes care of stuff with confidence, to see him in a place in his life where he’s just undone and how he sees himself: like a failure, and as this sort of useless human. He has no purpose; he has no meaning for being. We find him in 2, and suddenly we see this guy who is riddled with insecurities in a way that I don’t think we ever saw in the first season.”

Clearly, The Affair is going to be another barrel of laughs when it picks things back up.

“There’s a weakness to him. You saw a little bit of the break at the end of last year, in the finale; that was a totally different guy than we had seen before. But you’d never really seen him honestly just be ruined. He’s the type of character: ‘I’m going to do this and I’m going to do that. This is the right way. This is how we take care of things and this is how we keep up appearances in the town,’ and I think in season 2 it’s interesting to see inside that guy’s life and how he feels totally eaten up by insecurity, fear and doubt in a way that we never saw in the first season. He’s in a bad place this season.”

Is anyone really happy in the Hamptons? Thankfully, at the end of episode 2, there’s a scene between Cole and Alison that changes the direction of his character.

“I think it’s the first moment where he allows himself to sort of step back into being alive. So what happens? Everything in your life has been wiped out. Your family’s gone, your wife is gone, your child is gone. Your sense of self is completely annihilated. So he has to start figuring out who he is, what it means to be a man. Who is Cole going to be post-all of that? And in a way that I find is very true, it’s certainly been true in my life, a woman is the best way to do that. He meets this woman, and without all of the baggage of his entire life, he can start entering into a relationship with somebody that’s about his current self as opposed to everything that has come up. She’s what brings him back into the world.”

The Affair is what has brought Joshua Jackson back onto our TVs, and come Sunday October 4 at 10 PM (or now with the above video), we’ll get to see a lot more of Pacey in the award-winning drama.

It blows my mind sometimes to think of how far we’ve come in my time as a superhero fan. The genre started as a niche market, then grew steadily in popularity in movies until they now dominate the big screen; and now, we’re in the midst of a full-fledged TV superhero explosion. Four of the shows on this list debuted this year, and only one failed (with Constantine getting canceled); at least four more new superhero/comic book shows (Supergirl on CBS, Legends of Tomorrow on CW, aka Jessica Jones on Netflix, and Preacher on AMC) will join next season. This list is going to get so damn long.

So while we still only have seven superhero shows, let’s get to the ranking. Previously: season rankings for supporting characters, for lead heroes, and for villains. You can also see the preseason rankings of these shows and the midseason rankings, plus two mean posts about Gotham (one and two), and Andy’s excellent breakdown for the future of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Some SPOILERS will be mentioned for the involved shows: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Agent Carter, Daredevil, Constantine, Arrow, Flash, and Gotham. And my halfhearted apologies to iZombie, The Walking Dead, and Powers for not watching or including you.

7. Gotham

Looking back: At some point, this is just beating a dead horse. I’ve discussed my distaste for Gotham plenty, and I’m sure it says something bad about me that I’ve spent many more words writing about a show I obviously disliked than I have on the shows I do enjoy (which is all other six on this list).  So let’s just briefly recap here: this show was over-the-top in a bad way, beating us over the head with obvious developments and over-acting.

Looking forward: The show could be interesting by toning down how corrupt everyone but Jim (and also kinda Jim) is at policing, and cooling it on the pre-Batman references. But Bruce discovered the Bat-cave in the season finale, and Harvey Dent will join the show as a series regular next season. So, yeah. See you at next season’s finale, Gotham.

6. Arrow

Looking back: Arrow had a solid first half, leading up to a great fall finale. But then the show immediately walked that back, having Oliver survive injuries he couldn’t possibly have survived. The second half only grew more cringey from there, with the angst and melodrama becoming excessive even for its CW standards. I think it would have been far more interesting to introduce the Lazarus Pit right away in the spring (to heal Ollie), then dramatically move up his ascendancy to head of the League of Assassins and let him try to help Starling City from that post. Oh, and just letting Felicity be happy with Ray, and more of a badass on her own instead of just pining for Oliver. Alas.

Looking forward: I have no clue. Merlyn as the new Ra’s is an intriguing development that could pay dividends, and I’m excited for a new Team Arrow featuring Thea’s Red Arrow, Laurel’s Black Canary, and a costume identity for Diggle (Guardian, perhaps?). But how will Oliver and Felicity riding off into the sunset be undone? (Because you know it will be undone.) Is Damien Darhk (and H.I.V.E.) the new Big Bad, and can he/they succeed where Ra’s failed in the spring? Is the entire CW-verse about to reset because of the finale events in The Flash? I think Arrow has a strong bounce-back season in it, but I’ve not sure the angle.

5. Constantine

Looking back: This show had the best lead character on television this year, in my opinion, as you’ll note from John’s placement in that post. It had solid supporting characters, though it only sometimes took advantage of them. And it had moments of true greatness — I freaking loved the Anne Marie episodes and the fall finale, especially the use of the Rising Darkness, Brujeria, and the Invunche. But it also had such mediocrity to go with that framework. The show mostly used a demon-of-the-week format that was almost never compelling. It didn’t build up its big picture fast enough or with a good Big Bad representation. And as a result, it ended up a very fun show on the strengths of its characters, but also a disappointing show on the weaknesses of its plots.

Looking forward: NBC canceled the show after its short 13-episode run, which was disappointing but understandable. There was some initial hope that another network could pick it up (I don’t know why Syfy didn’t; that should have been a no-brainer for everyone involved), but now, that too looks unlikely. So, goodbye Constantine, and especially goodbye to actor Matt Ryan’s freaking perfect portrayal of the Hellblazer himself.

4. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Looking back: AoS had a really strong first half of the season, taking my top spot in the winter rankings and looking so full of potential (despite its unfortunate waste of actor B.J. Britt’s charming Agent Triplett). But the second half fell apart in a bad way, with the “Real” S.H.I.E.L.D. plotline turning the show into absolute garbage for a while, with almost every character acting insane and irrational, including the keeping of ridiculously unnecessary secrets (why couldn’t Coulson have told at least May about the helicarrier?) and ridiculously bad character turns (Agent Simmons’ casual pro-murder stance). And then, it suddenly became awesome again with a surprise twist leading to an excellent season finale that only The Flash’s finale could equal.

Looking forward: Andy already covered where we go from here on a character-by-character basis. The most intriguing to me is his Dark Simmons idea, because I would rather the show just embrace that and take her full villain than continue her weird second-half characterization. The only other thing I’ll add is that the show needs to take a page from Flash‘s book and embrace its comic book-y side. I shouldn’t be so bothered by the refusal to ever call anything or anyone by its comic book name, but I am. Embrace the weirdness, man. Just because you can’t play with the A-list heroes and villains doesn’t mean you can’t give us a little more than just Deathlok and original Inhumans creations.

3. Agent Carter

Looking back: The show really nailed a fun adventure ride of spy thrillers while embracing some comics goodness by giving us the early Doctor Faustus and Black Widow. Peggy was a great anchor character, and most of her supporting cast was a lot of fun too, particularly the great version of Jarvis. The rampant sexism of the era was almost like a character itself, which was an important historical accuracy, but could feel at times like it overwhelmed the story.

Looking forward: Season 2 will apparently take Peggy to Hollywood, but we know little else. More appearances by Howard Stark or the Howling Commandos would be welcome; I’d love to see Dum Dum Dugan become a series regular. But my main hope is that we arrive at the place where we left Peggy in the Agent Carter One-Shot: getting the call that she’ll run S.H.I.E.L.D. The showrunners previously said that would never happen (or, essentially, that it would be the end point of the series), but I hope they reconsider, or at least find other ways to get Peggy into more places of authority. I think seeing her constantly looked past and discriminated against will eventually cease to be good TV.

2. The Flash

Looking back: What an interesting first season for The Flash. Its first half had a lot of rough moments (looking at you, Girder), and even the mostly excellent second half had its bumps, as well. It was clearly a show finding its footing, and growing more confident as it went along. But when it was good, it was better than anything else on this list. It embraced its comic book origins so strongly and with such a sense of fun that it just kept getting better and better, hitting on Flash’s excellent cast of villains to really reach another level. It was so good near the end, including a wonderful finale, that part of me wants to put it #1. But the fact remains that at least about a quarter of its episodes this season just weren’t very good. That has to matter in these rankings, I think. Flash‘s bad was bad, and its good was the best. Only a series that was more consistently hitting very high points can top it.

Looking forward: I have no idea! That finale leaves so many unanswered questions. Shouldn’t Barry’s mom be alive now? And the real Dr. Wells? Is the timeline going to reset? Hell, is the entire CW-verse about to have a new status quo now? I don’t know. How will the start of Legends of Tomorrow affect The Flash? The show had really hit its stride with Captain Cold, and we were right on the verge of The Rogues, and now Snart is at least going to have to split time between two series. There are a lot of questions marks, but I think this show now knows what it is and can navigate them.

1. Daredevil

Looking back: The first season was a gritty masterpiece that might be as good as almost anything to come out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The acting was spot-on, the characters were engaging, and the fight scenes were often transcendent. Even Matt’s black costume grew on me; hopefully the new, real Daredevil suit will, too. This was such a great proof of how Marvel can go darker and still maintain what makes its cinematic universe so fun.

Looking forward: It sounds likely that Elektra will enter, after being teased in Season 1. One imagines this will go head-in-hand with The Hand playing a much larger role. Vincent D’Onofrio’s excellent Kingpin will of course be in the thick as well, though in what capacity will be interesting to see. I would also like to see the show start developing more of DD’s extended rogues gallery; I’m glad they held off on Bullseye for a season, and wouldn’t necessarily mind if they held off again in Season 2, but bringing more non-gangsters in could be nice (looking at you, Stilt-Man!). It’ll also be interesting to see how the next additions to the Marvel/Netflix venture affect this show, if at all yet; we know The Defenders are eventually happening, but I can’t imagine this Daredevil as part of a team yet. In any event, I have little doubt that bringing this whole group back will result in more great things.

—

So that wrap up my series of rankings. What (if anything) did I get right, and what (if not everything) did I get wrong? Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you again in the fall with even more of these shows, as superheroes work toward taking over the entirety of TV and film.

We come to perhaps the funnest installment of these rankings: the bad guys. While it’s certainly possible to survive on the strengths of a likable lead hero and a strong supporting cast even without a memorable villain (more than half of the MCU films prove exactly that), a great villainous performance certainly raises the bar. I think there’s going to be a stronger correlation in tomorrow’s rankings of the shows themselves to this villain list than there will be to yesterday’s lead hero list or Tuesday’s supporting characters.

Some SPOILERS will be mentioned for the involved shows: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Agent Carter, Daredevil, Constantine, Arrow, Flash, and Gotham.

The Frenemies

This category is for characters who fluctuated between good guy and villain. To qualify, the character must have had sincere moments of both good and antagonism, not merely have been a bad guy pretending to be good as part of a master plan (a la Harrison Wells).

12. Edward Nigma (Gotham)

Something something terrible. I’m out of lines for bad things on Gotham.

11. Agent/Director Robert Gonzales (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Congrats AoS, you found a way to create a character that even Edward James Olmos couldn’t save.

10. Amanda Waller (Arrow)

Arrow has never quite been able to figure out how to make Waller’s shades-of-gray morality into compelling TV.

9. Maseo Yamashiro (Arrow)

Most of his moments this season, both in flashbacks and as a Ra’s henchman, were unfortunately dull. But his final showdown with Katana was mild redemption.

8. General Glenn Talbot (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

I didn’t care for Talbot when he was first introduced last year, but he had some good moments in the first half of S2.

7. Agent 33 (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Arguably the show’s most tragic figure in some ways, but she had some excellent fight scenes. The face-switching gimmick got old.

6. Floyd Lawton/Deadshot (Arrow)

Floyd had easily his most compelling appearance on the show in his final episode, filling in the character’s backstory and seeming a like a real person.

5. Raina (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Raina was one of the show’s most interesting characters for a long time, but the more gaps that got filled in about her, the less intriguing she became. As good as she was in the finale, it’s unfortunate how weak her appearance was in the second half of the season.

4. Malcolm Merlyn (Arrow)

John Barrowman rocks, and while I don’t think the show used his return to a series regular to its full potential, he still had his moments.

3. Nyssa al Ghul (Arrow)

Nyssa gave us some good fights as her father’s lead henchwoman, but she was even better as an ally to Team Arrow, particularly her late-season friendship with Laurel.

2. Grant Ward (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Grant had such a fine arc this season, stuck between a redemption quest, romantic entanglements, and a lot of genuine darkness.

1. Dr. Calvin Zabo/Mr. Hyde (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Actor Kyle MacLachlan was the MVP of AoS Season 2, stealing every scene he was in and making his role into something wonderful and fun. His physical appearance in the finale was another weird visual letdown by the show, but otherwise, he was the heart of the great S2 ending.

The One-shots

Here we have the characters who were only the bad guy for a single story, more or less. I’ll include villains of two-parters (Creel, Boomerang) and villains who appeared in more than one episode but were only the primary villain in one (Gao, Weather Wizard).

12. Hartley Rathaway/Pied Piper (The Flash)

This was one of Flash’s few misses on an important character, but there’s still long-term potential for something better.

11. Werner Zytle/Vertigo (Arrow)

Arrow struggled again to do anything great with Count Vertigo, but I hope they keep trying, just because I love actor Peter Stormare.

10. Digger Harkness/Captain Boomerang (Arrow)

I know this looks like a low placement, but know that I am hugely in favor of cool boomerang fight sequences, which Digger provided during his crossover appearance.

9. Simon Stagg (The Flash)

I thought actor William Sadler was an inspired choice for Stagg, and gave him an appropriately sneering menace. I think it was a mistake to not keep him alive for more future appearances.

8. William Tockman/Clock King (The Flash)

I didn’t love Tockman in his appearance in an earlier season of Arrow, but Flash made him work rather well.

7. Felix Faust (Constantine)

Faust had a really strong dynamic in his ep, and was well-acted by Mark Margolis.

6. Carl Creel/Absorbing Man (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Creel’s appearance in the S2 opening two-part really helped raise the stakes for the great first half AoS S2.

5. Mark Mardon/Weather Wizard (The Flash)

Unlike his brother in pilot episode, the second Weather Wizard had really great screen presence that has me excited for his role in the future of this show.

4. Gao (Daredevil)

Gao was a background character in the Kingpin’s organization for several episodes, and never really got much in-depth character development. But his fight with DD was spectacular, and one of the top highlights of the entire season.

3. The Invunche (Constantine)

The Invunche had little screen time, but managed to invoke the absolute creepiness of Alan Moore’s “American Gothic” storyline from Swamp Thing.

2. Gorilla Grodd (The Flash)

I discussed my love of Grodd shortly before his show appearance. His role in that episode was very well done, and I especially enjoyed the tease that he was getting smarter — hopefully indicating that we’ll see a more scheming version of the character in the future.

1. James Jesse/The Trickster (The Flash)

There was never really any doubt about the top spot, though. Mark Hamill’s return to the character he played in the early 1990s Flash series was absolutely brilliant, coming across almost like a live-action version of his legendary Joker voice work. It also gave us the single greatest line on television this year.

The Recurring Villains and Big Bads

And now, we come at last to the main event: ranking the multi-episode villains that helped defined superhero television this year.

Last: The Penguin, Fish Moody, Don Falcone, Don Maroni, etc. (Gotham)

Why even bother sorting out the degrees of badness here? You all tie for worst-place.

18. Brick (Arrow)

A mostly invulnerable supervillain who’s at least partially vulnerable to arrow, and he picks the world capital of arrows for his super villainy. There are a lot of bad villain plans around, but that might be the worst.

17. Mick Rory/Heat Wave (The Flash)

Never managed to equal Captain Cold’s screen presence.

16. General Wade Eiling (The Flash)

Largely felt like a generic military bad guy, but did have some good scenes with Wells.

15. Lisa Snart/Golden Glider (The Flash)

Her special effects were mediocre, but her flirty manipulative taunting of Cisco was quite enjoyable.

14. Leland Owlsley (Daredevil)

I was mildly disappointed at first to see the Owl, one of DD’s more prominent villains, portrayed as an elderly accountant. But the repeated emphasis on mentioning his unseen son makes me think that’s the Owl we’ll see fight DD in the future. Leland Sr.’s betrayal of Fisk was still very well-done.

13. Ra’s al Ghul (Arrow)

I think the single biggest factor that held Arrow back this year was not making the most out of Ra’s in the second half, despite a very strong introduction in the fall.

12. Vladimir Ranshakov (Daredevil)

The angrier and longer-lived of the Russian brothers, he outlived his generic early characterization to have some pretty strong moments while holed up with DD.

11. Jiaying (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

She gave us the biggest surprise of the season, but for all my love of Dichen Lachman, I just never felt like she had a strong enough villainous presence — which, to be fair, was kind of the point in-story, but it still held the character back for me; there was little intimidation factor in her final scene with Skye.

10. Sunil Bakshi (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Bakshi was a surprisingly adept utility player for AoS throughout the season, playing a strong support role in villainy across multiple Big Bads.

9. James Wesley (Daredevil)

Wesley, likewise, was a lackey for Fisk who made the most of the role, becoming a strong villain in his own right. His final scene, opposite Karen Page, was particularly good.

8. Gordon (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Gordon is a character whom we never got much psychological depth into, but he rises this high for being arguably the best visual character in this list. Both his eyeless appearance and the special effects on his teleporting were extremely well-done, particularly within the limits of a TV budget — which, if AoS spent heavily on those, might explain why Raina and Cal both suffered in the effects department.

7. Daniel Whitehall/Werner Reinhardt/the Kraken (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Whitehall was the first Big Bad of the AoS season, and other than Cal, I would say he was the best. Actor Reed Diamond had a really strong performance, despite his anticlimactic exit.

6. Papa Midnite (Constantine)

Constantine‘s lack of screen time for the Brujeria meant that the show suffered from its lack of a Big Bad on screen, but it was picked up some by whenever Papa Midnite appeared. He was cool, capable, fun, and intimidating.

5. Johann Fenhoff/Doctor Faustus (Agent Carter)

Fenhoff was a late arrival on Agent Carter, but his calm manipulation of events really added to the late-season tension.

4. Leonard Snart/Captain Cold (The Flash)

I wasn’t sold on actor Wentworth Miller’s Captain Cold in his first appearances, but he grew on me every time he re-appeared. The last couple episodes in which he appeared really hit the Flash/Cold dynamic perfectly on the nail and showed what makes Snart such a lasting villain.

3. Dottie Underwood/Black Widow (Agent Carter)

Dottie, like Fenhoff, didn’t reveal her true nature for a while on the show, but made a superb villainous introduction, then remained captivating for the rest of the season. The use of the early version of the Black Widow program was a great choice, and I couldn’t take my eyes off actress Bridget Regan.

2. Wilson Fisk/the Kingpin (Daredevil)

I didn’t think it was possible for Fisk to be topped after binge-watching Daredevil, and I’m still second-guessing this placement as I write it. Kingpin became the MCU’s first great villain in quite a while, and actor Vincent D’Onofrio gave him impressive depth. My only complaints were that his physical prowess could have been developed better before the finale of S1, and frankly, Fisk’s belief that he was actually helping Hell’s Kitchen doesn’t really make any sense with his some illegal activities (I can get killing the old woman to take her apartment and turn it into something nicer, but how did the child slavery thing help the city?). Nevertheless, he remained an absolutely wonderful villain that gave the show a ton of weight.

1. Harrison Wells/Eobard Thawne/the Reverse Flash (The Flash)

This was a tough call, but I found Rob Bricken’s argument in favor of Wells over Fisk to be quite convincing. Actor Tom Cavanaugh gave such a delightful performance, managing to be positively eerie when needed (his reveal to Cisco in the now-deleted timeline), maniacal when needed (his explanation to Barry of his hatred for him), and always drew me deeper with every new reveal. The bottom line for what earned him the top Big Bad spot? No villain was more fun to watch all year. It was just a superbly entertaining character and story.

Some SPOILERS will be mentioned for the involved shows: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Agent Carter, Daredevil, Constantine, Arrow, Flash, and Gotham.

The Lead Heroes

One of the reasons I broke down yesterday’s supporting characters lists into categories of rankings was to parse the possible groups of heroes and get to the result today of this category including only the lead characters of each show. I think it’s interesting to look at how the shows are built up like this: from the main character, his or her supporting cast, their villains, and how it all comes together (or doesn’t) for the overall product.

7. Jim Gordon (Gotham)

Jim brings a lot of intensity to the job, but he also brings a lot of being a terrible cop.

6. Oliver Queen/The Arrow (Arrow)

Oliver suffered from the down season for Arrow along with nearly every other character on the show. He’s always walked the line of being too broody, but this season, didn’t have enough to balance it out.

5. Director Phil Coulson (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Phil had his moments, both in his struggle with the alien writing and in his efforts to rebuild S.H.I.E.L.D., of being a worthy true lead. But he took a back seat to Skye in the second half, with own bizarre decisions of what to keep secret dooming the unity of the team (and the show).

4. Barry Allen/The Flash (The Flash)

Barry acted like too much of an idiot many times during the season, but he was always likable and easy to root for, and his big emotional moments tended to have a strong resonance.

3. Matt Murdock/Daredevil (Daredevil)

No one has made me ever feel the gritty reality of being a hero on the street like DD did, with his dangerous and unglamorous obsession anchoring an incredible first season. He’d be a worthy #1 for this list, but I have to give a slight edge to two characters who gave me a little more fun.

2. Agent Peggy Carter (Agent Carter)

For all of the well-documented controversy surrounding Marvel’s treatment of its heroines, the MCU’s first attempt at a female lead was an unqualified success in quality. Actress Hayley Atwell’s Peggy was smart, tough, and the most capable person in every room she walked into. No one was easier to root for this year.

1. John Constantine (Constantine)

I’m genuinely not sure I’ve ever seen a comic book character brought to life on TV better than this. Constantine itself never lived up to its potential, due largely to weak plotting, but actor Matt Ryan’s portrayal of the titular anti-hero was perfection. He had the look, the irreverence, the snark, the competence, and the repressed pain of a man who’s seen and done too much. He propped up, sometimes single-handedly, a show that often wasn’t worthy of his brilliance. And a perfect portrayal of John Constantine is just not going to be topped by anyone else here. There’s a reason Empire ranked John as the third greatest characters in comics history, above such luminaries as Spider-Man, Wolverine, or any Avenger. Constantine is too damn good, even if Constantine wasn’t quite.

]]> https://seveninchesofyourtime.com/superhero-show-rankings-the-lead-heroes/feed/ 3 https://seveninchesofyourtime.com/superhero-show-rankings-the-supporting-characters/ https://seveninchesofyourtime.com/superhero-show-rankings-the-supporting-characters/#comments Tue, 26 May 2015 19:38:30 +0000 http://seveninchesofyourtime.com/?p=55707 Get hard]]>

If there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s taking a so-so idea and running it into the ground by repetition. So, just like I did before the season and at the halfway point, I’m out to rank the many superhero shows we’ve seen across television (and streaming services). But this edition will celebrate the finality of the 2014-15 season by drawing out the process further. I’ll be splitting these rankings into four parts: this post on various groups of supporting characters; a post tomorrow on the lead heroes of the shows; one Thursday for all the villains; and finally, we’ll wrap up Friday by getting to the point and ranking the shows themselves.

So let’s get down to business. Here’s a non-exhaustive rankings of the main classes of supporting characters we saw on superhero television this year. Some SPOILERS will be mentioned for the involved superhero shows: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Agent Carter, Daredevil, Constantine, Arrow, Flash, and Gotham.

Romantic Partners

I struggled with what to call this section; because all but one of these characters are women, I didn’t want to come across as trivializing them by reducing the entirety of a human being to a mere love interest. And yet, whether comics, movies, or shows, superhero stories tend to mostly follow a box-checking formula where the lead character must have at least one romantic interest. And the reality of being that romantic interest tends to shape the character differently than other supporting characters, with their story’s focal points often revolving around a romantic tension with the lead character more than anything else. The degree to which these characters were able to break out of that formula, becoming partners rather than interests and showing strengths of character that surpassed romantic entanglements, is the single biggest factor in each one’s rise or fall in these rankings.

8. Barbara Keen (Gotham)

No real shock here, as Barbara was maybe the worst thing on TV this year, despite a mildly interesting villainous turn at the end of the season.

7. Dr. Leslie Thompkins (Gotham)

I only saw one episode with Leslie, and she didn’t come across as particularly intelligent, but she still gets the nod over Barbara.

6. Felicity Smoak (Arrow)

I thought I ‘shipped Olicity (the Oliver-Felicity pairing) going into the season, but seeing it in practice was far less interesting than I expected. And as delightfully adorkable as Felicity still is, the rise of Olicity caused her to be sadly reduced to a season of being defined solely by her love triangle with Oliver and Ray, and crying (so much!) over Oliver’s various dumb plans and near-deaths.

5. Zed Martin (Constantine)

A post-pilot replacement character, Zed proved far more interesting than Liv, and managed to be a fun character whose sometimes-romantic tension with John was always a secondary trait. More of her backstory could have skyrocketed her higher with a longer show run.

4. Iris West (The Flash)

There’s no tougher ranking than Iris, who was the worst non-Gotham option for much of the season, then had a stunning turnaround late in the year once they finally let her in on Barry’s secret. I would like to bump her up even higher based on her late-season likability, but those first three-quarters of a season still happened. Fourth feels like a solid compromise.

3. Agent Daniel Sousa (Agent Carter)

Sousa got to be less defined by his romantic interest in Peggy, with that tension present but largely dormant until the waning moments of Season 1; predictably, it’s easier for a male romantic interest to get more fully fleshed out. But indeed he did, as his disability proved a fascinating corollary to Peggy’s own struggles.

2. Claire Temple (Daredevil)

The tough and capable Claire was arguably the best part of the first half of Daredevil‘s first season, though she was mostly dropped from the narrative in later episodes.

1. Karen Page (Daredevil)

Daredevil proved to be the gold standard for this category. With Karen, the show took the genre stereotype of the damsel in distress, then quickly pivoted to turn her into a strong and psychologically compelling character in her own right.

The Lesser Heroes

These next two categories walk a fine line of vague distinction. Essentially, the idea is to sort out the fighters (The Lesser Heroes) and non-fighters (The Team Members); this presents some iffy choices like Diggle and Mack who walk the line, but when in doubt, I tried to decide based on whether their primary purpose/drive was combat intensive. So since Diggle is part of a vigilante squad and the end of the ARGUS Suicide Squad, he narrowly lands here; Mack does some fighting, but his main job is as a mechanic, so he goes to the next grouping.

15. Ronnie Raymond and Dr. Martin Stein/Firestorm (The Flash)

Dr. Stein had some of the finer moments in the spectacular Flash finale, particularly his talk with Eddie. However, Ronnie is utterly non-compelling, and since one of his main story points is his relationship with Caitlin, the complete lack of chemistry in that relationship is also a point against him. Plus, as the Firestorm entity, they suffer from middling special effects and, so far, an uncreative use of powers.

14. Mike Peterson/Deathlok (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

He was barely in this season, and tortured for much of his time on screen, but his surprise intro was legit, and I enjoyed his upgraded arsenal.

13. Detective Harvey Bullock (Gotham)

Harvey is kind of funny, and actor Donal Logue’s charisma occasionally transcended his show’s inability to harness it. But the fact that his character’s main motivation most episodes is trying to convince his cop partner to be a worse cop meant too much incompetence was piled up to make Bullock the cool jaded character they were shooting for.

12. Roy Harper/Arsenal (Arrow)

Roy had some cool moments this season, a lot more whiny moments, and for the time being, is gone as a show regular. And frankly, that’s probably fine.

11. John Diggle (Arrow)

Diggle’s lower ranking goes hand in hand with Felicity’s regression. Both spent way too much time this year, especially in the second half, whining over Oliver to do enough cool in their own right, and both became far less interesting because of it.

10. Tatsu Yamashiro/Katana (Arrow)

The flashbacks were mostly unbearable on Arrow this season, but actress Rila Fukushima is great, and watching her kill her (ex?) husband Maseo was one of the better late-season moments.

9. Thea Queen/Red Arrow (Arrow)

Say what you will about Thea, but she at least moved forward this season in tangible ways. She grew past just being the character who’s always being lied to, and rebelled against her father’s attempts to use her, finally becoming a capable hero in her own right.

8. Stick (Daredevil)

He only appeared in one episode, or else he’d be much higher. I can’t wait for him to return and for The Hand storyline to kick into high gear. Stick rules.

7. Agent Melinda May/The Cavalry (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

May had a fair amount her usual no-nonsense ass-kicking, but the revelation of “The Cavalry” was mildly disappointing, and her turning on Coulson was just ridiculous.

6. Agent Barbara “Bobbi” Morse/Mockingbird (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Like May, Bobbi got in a good deal of awesome action over the season. Like May, she was held back by silly plotline — hers being the terrible “Real” S.H.I.E.L.D. arc. But at least she received a fair amount of redemption in the finale.

5. Laurel Lance/Black Canary (Arrow)

Unpopular opinion alert: I actually really liked Laurel this season. I know she’s one of the least popular characters in the CW superhero universe, but unlike most characters in this post, she had a real arc this season — enduring loss, training, setbacks, personal relationships falling apart, and still emerging stronger than ever. Plus I liked that we actually got to watch her slowly become a competent Black Canary — unlike the other heroes on the show, who mostly yadda yadda yadda over the process and just arrive at the point where they kick ass.

4. Ray Palmer/the A.T.O.M. (Arrow)

Sure, the character was a bit too Iron Man, but Brandon Routh’s Ray Palmer was so utterly charming and genuinely good that I found myself constantly rooting for him over Ollie, including for Felicity’s love.

3. Agent Lance Hunter (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

I mocked his addition to the team a bit in my pre-season post, but he won me over continually. For much of the mediocre second half to the season, he was the only person on AoS who wasn’t an overreacting insane person.

2. Agent Skye/Daisy Johnson/Quake (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

You could argue that Skye was the main character on AoS this season, though I’ve stuck with ABC’s self-identifier with Coulson as the lead for this series of rankings. Her arc really kicked into high gear this season, and while it had some stumbles, particularly in the second half, she emerged as the capable and compelling character whom the show needs to revolve around going forward.

1. Edwin Jarvis (Agent Carter)

But was anyone as easy to root for this year than Edwin Jarvis? The British butler found himself thrust into the role of sidekick for a veritable action star in Peggy, and muddled through his newfound duties with wonderful humor and as much dignified English grace as he could muster under the circumstances.

The Team Members

And finally, we have everyone else: the various utility/role players who often make up the heart of the shows. The various police officers and S.S.R. agents end up here instead of with the lesser heroes, where the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents are; it’s a debatable call, but I feel like the cops/agents here were only rarely actually involved in action scenes.

17.  Detective Quentin Lance (Arrow)

So disappointing that we so thoroughly went back to angry-at-the-world irrational Lance; his begrudging respect and willingness to work with Team Arrow had been far more fun.

16. Agent Gemma Simmons (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Also disappointing this year was Simmons’ bizarre (and under-developed) turn to a breezy proponent of prejudice and murder in the second half of this season. I can’t emphasize enough how much I hated her subplots in the second half. I hope she never comes out of that alien artifact; Fitz is too good for her now.

15. Angie Martinelli (Agent Carter)

I know a lot of people liked her, and it was nice to give Peggy a true friend from outside her spy world. But her voice just grated on me.

14. Dr. Caitlin Snow (The Flash)

Easily the odd man out among the SuperSTARs team, Caitlin gets the worst of a lot of worlds. Her “romance” with Ronnie is, as mentioned in his section, devoid of any chemistry. She gets few of the eureka moments of scientific genius, which are usually given to Dr. Wells or Cisco. And she gets less of the fun banter moments, which also go more to Cisco. In the finale, they even make her the character to ask what a singularity is; high schoolers largely know that singularity=black hole, but a STAR Labs scientist with a doctorate doesn’t? Caitlin just isn’t treated well by this show.

13. Manny (Constantine)

He was mostly a one-note character, and that note got played too often. But he did have a couple episodes that broke him out of that pattern and showed significant potential.

12. Agent Jack Thompson (Agent Carter)

11. Chief Roger Dooley (Agent Carter)

These two are practically interchangeable in the rankings (and often, on the show itself), so the tie-breaker goes to Dooley for his explosive exit from the show.

10. Howard Stark (Agent Carter)

Howard was a living macguffin for most of the season, which was a mild waste of his considerable charm. But when he did get to interact as a person and not just a plot device, he was still an engrossing character.

9. Francis “Chas” Chandler (Constantine)

Chas was a bit player most of the season, but he killed it every time he got a bigger role, particularly in the episode “Quid Pro Quo.”

8. Alphonso “Mack” MacKenzie (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Mack’s chemistry with Fitz was a highlight of the fall slate, but like nearly everyone on the show (and the show itself), he suffered badly from the “Real” S.H.I.E.L.D. storyline, which turned him into an unreasonable jerk for most of the second half. But he jumped back up these rankings by stealing the show in the finale.

7. Detective Eddie Thawne (The Flash)

Eddie could have gone a different, and probably villainous, way. But keeping him a truly good guy was an excellent route for Flash, subverting my initial expectations and setting up an emotional finale.

6. The Koenig brothers (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

Combining my love of Patton Oswalt and lanyards, these characters were a treat throughout their recurring appearances in the fall. Dropping them from the rotation (until a finale cameo) was among the biggest of the show’s many big missteps in the spring.

5. Detective Joe West (The Flash)

Joe was the anchor between the three overlapping parts of Barry’s life: his work, his home, and his superheroing. He was also often the emotional anchor of the show, though I’m probably saying that partially because actor Jesse L. Martin was already an emotional trigger for me.

4. Cisco Ramon (The Flash)

No one’s place in these rankings surprises me more than Cisco’s. I remember thinking he was annoying when he briefly debuted in S2 of Arrow, and I still kind of thought so early on in Flash. But he turned out to be an absolute delight, channeling an inner comic book fan to give us the fan service of the “proper” names of various villains. He also had impressive emotional depth as the season went on, especially in one of the best scenes of any superhero show this year.

3. Foggy Nelson (Daredevil)

First, an apology to actor Elden Henson for my wondering aloud in the fall if he got this part because of Marvel’s cheapness with actors. Sorry, Elden! He absolutely nailed this role. His Foggy was goofy, funny, and emotionally invested throughout S1, and would be a worthy #1 on this list.

2. Agent Leo Fitz (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.)

I actually had to look up with Fitz’s first name even is. Apparently it’s Leo! Now I know. I also know that Iain De Caestecker was absolutely brilliant this season, portraying Fitz’s newfound vulnerability with aplomb. The hurt, sadness, and anger that flowed in his confrontation with Ward in the episode “Making Friends and Influencing People” might have been as good as AoS got all year.

1. Ben Urich (Daredevil)

While I would be fine with any of these top three taking the top spot, and understanding of a few others, Ben feels right as #1. Actor Vondie Curtis-Hall gave an Emmy-worthy performance as the struggling journalist, whose professional ethics and personal needs are at odds throughout his arc. His reluctant push to the moral center was the great tragedy of the year, and his death was perhaps the single most stunning and emotional thing to happen on any show this year.

After last night, we’re halfway through Season 5 of the best show on earth, HBO’s Game of Thrones. As always on GoT, we’ve seen intrigue, death, and gratuitous nudity as  we’ve caught up with all our favorites. But which characters have shone the brightest so far in S5? Let’s take a look with some Power Rankings! Note: these rankings only reflect these characters in Season 5, not the show as a whole. Also, spoilers.

10. Jaqen H’ghar

Arya has finally gotten to begin her Faceless Man training at the House of Black and White in Braavos; in the process, she’s reunited with old friend Jaqen H’ghar. But while Arya has had to get by on sweeping floors, throwing away belongings, and cleaning dead guys, Jaqen gets to try on any face he chooses and say a bunch of cool-sounding shit.

9. Maester Aemon Targaryen

Maester Aemon may be blind and as old as snow itself, but you get the sense that he’s probably the wisest person left alive. That wisdom is too far away and near death to be of any use to his only (known) living relative, Daenerys (who could really use him), but he still serves the Night’s Watch well, casting the winning vote for Jon as Lord Commander, then urging him to get his shit together and lead.

8. Barristan Selmy

Let’s get the old guys out of the way. Whereas Maester Aemon relies on aged wisdom, Ser Barristan is still a physical badass. Formerly the greatest knight in the world, Selmy is a shadow of his former self — which still makes him one of the more formidable fighters in the land. His and Grey Worm’s fight with the Sons of the Harpy might be the high point of the season thus far, and Ser Barristan’s heroic death is another great indicator of how much we’re departing from the books.

7. Grey Worm

Let’s give another hand to that great brawl with the Sons of the Harpy. So why does Grey Worm get a slight edge over Ser Barristan? One, he’s still alive, which is probably nice for him. But mostly because he parlayed his near-death experience into a great pick-up line for Missandei. Just because he’s been castrated doesn’t change that Grey Worm has mad game.

6. Tyrion Lannister

Of the traditional fan mega-favorites (namely, Tyrion, Dany, and Arya), Tyrion has had the most opportunity to shine so far at the halfway point. He’s been drunk or captive pretty much every moment he’s been on screen thus far, but Peter Dinklage has, as always, played him brilliantly. This season, he’s made the most out of those relatively unglamorous moments by using them as an opportunity to show how affected Tyrion remains by the events of the Season 4 finale; particularly effective was his playing off Varys and his bittersweet realization that he wasn’t ready for another woman. I expect Tyrion to shoot up to his usual spot as a top-three character by season’s end, especially if he gets to Mereen soon and can put his brilliant mind to a prominent use again for the first time since Season 3.

5. Sansa Stark

We’re starting to see Sansa come into her own little by little, now spurred on by Littlefinger’s admonishment to stop being a “bystander to tragedy” and avenge her family. Seeing Sansa take those steps toward independence and hopefully even vengeance is one of the most intriguing parts of the season thus far. How she fares in the remaining five episodes among a group of brutal and dangerous characters feels like the most important turning point yet for the character.

4. Shireen Baratheon

The kind and literate princess is scarred by greyscale, cursed with the worst mother in the seven kingdoms, but has become one of the most delightfully charming characters on the show. She patiently teaches Gilly to read, endures her mother’s dislike, and participates in the sweetest moment of the season with her father, Stannis (above). And she still has her excellent rapport with Ser Davos. If the series ends with Shireen on the Iron Throne, Westeros would be all the better for it.

3. Bronn

Jaime Lannister may be the ostensible star of the excursion to Dorne as he and Bronn march toward Princess Myrcella and an inevitable showdown with the Sand Snakes, but Bronn is clearly stealing the show. That comes as no surprise, since Bronn has always stolen the show, but I’m savoring it even more this season since I have a bad feeling the show might kill him off before the finale. The put-upon exasperation with which Bronn reluctantly does all the rowing, fighting, and digging for the one-handed Jaime is a comedic highlight of the season.

2. Drogon

He’s only been in two scenes so far, but don’t we kind of have to envy Drogon right now? His brothers are locked up in a cavern, chained from flying and having to resort to whatever scraps (or nobles) Daenerys lets them have. His surrogate mother is struggling to maintain her authority in a powder keg. Every character on both sides of the Narrow Sea is being forced to contend with various struggles, frustrations, and setbacks. But not Drogon. He checks in on Dany, but doesn’t have to become a tame part of her world. The next time we see him, he’s soaring above his ancestral homeland of Valyria, the last dragon standing. While everyone else is in chains either literal or figurative, Drogon alone is free, man.

1. Stannis Baratheon

Stannis has been a big player since the start of Season 2, but he’s never been as human as he has been this season. He’s still the same iron-willed serious warrior that he’s always been, as Mance Rayder can personally attest to. But we’ve finally gotten to see him as more than just an intractably stubborn general this season. His moment with Shireen, embedded with her entry at #4, is probably the best parenting we’ve seen in this show. But what really put him over the top?

GOOD GRAMMAR.

Yeah. Stannis wins.

So there you have the first edition of the S5 GoT Power Rankings. We’re halfway there, which in the parlance of Game of Thrones, means most of the best of the season is still yet to come. Plenty of time for various major players to completely rework these rankings for the final standings. Who will come out on top? Which major characters will make a play for the top, and which minor players (Ser Pounce?!) will shock us all? Feel free to share your rankings thus far and/or predictions for the final tally.

Still to come: NCIS: New Orleans (CBS), Gracepoint (FOX), The Kingdom (DirecTV), Cristela (ABC), The Walking Dead (AMC), Jane the Virgin (CBS), Marry Me (NBC), Grimm (NBC) and The McCarthys (CBS).

33. The Mysteries of Laura (NBC)

A bigger mystery to me than Laura (or even Laura), is why Debra Messing keeps getting leading roles in TV shows. Or rather, how she picked this one, and who thought the Will & Grace and Smash star was a good fit for a brusque, “badass” awful woman cop show. In the opening moments, we learn that she has a black partner who won’t hesitate to cover her “skinny ass,” and that Detective Laura Diamond (a TV name if I’ve ever heard one) is a morose, protocol-be-damned police woman who can’t help but wonder if anybody has jobs, because HOW DARE people hang out in the park on a sunny afternoon. With its ratings already dropping, I wonder if she will have a job much longer.

Hopefully, it’d rid the world of NBC’s “Woman Crush Weddings,” which apparently is lifted from #WCW, a mind-numbing Twitter hashtag. I’m going to start one: #girlsIwanttofuck. NBC’s Wednesday night block is made up of three grimly serious cops shows (Law & Order: SVU and Chicago P.D. round out the triumvirate), so naturally the marketing campaign devolved into relying on Sophia Bush, Debra Messing and Mariska Hargitay’s considerable sex appeal, rather than being tough workplace role models or whatever.

Laura drives a Volvo, shops at Target and comes equipped with an inspired catchphrase (“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”), deplorable parenting skills and an insulting almost ex-husband Jake (Josh Lucas, never worse) who just can’t bring himself to sign the papers, a family dynamic that sets TV back 43 years. She drugs her children for a private school interview (God forbid these tyrants go to public), and blackmailed a gym teacher with a lot of parking tickets to even get them that interview. Laura actually says, “I’m a mother, with a shiny badge, a loaded gun and very little patience.” There’s the logline that sold the pitch! I think she said that on school grounds, but I could just be imagining that specific horror. It’s like a future Melissa McCarthy movie, except Mysteries of Laura takes itself seriously. You shouldn’t.

Favorite Moments From The Pilot:

1) When Laura Diamond makes a house call, a rich housewife bats her eyelashes; heh, you’re cute, you’re a “middle-aged woman cop…just like on TV!” Mysteries of Laura thinks its clever. Just like pilot director McG probably thinks his name makes people think of anything other than a Happy Meal with explosions.

2) Laura calls men sloppy derisively. The frame widens to find Black Partner spilling popcorn all over the place. Hypocrite alert: Laura’s a slob who eats week old burritos she finds hidden among the piles of crap on her desk.

3) Laura’s kids actually deserve to be drugged and/or murdered. They pee on each other in public and just might be insane. Best of all is when Laura gets called into school, her gun automatically out (you don’t want to go into an elementary school unarmed) and there appears to be BLOOD all over the classroom. But no, it’s just her messy children taking over art class, or whatever. Because bloody classrooms are the best setup for a joke.

The pilot has one pleasure: a mini-Galaxy Quest reunion! Quellek (Patrick Breen) has aged into what appears to be a gay Peter Capaldi, and joins his former Thermian leader Mathesar (the incomparable Enrico Colantoni). The pleasure wears off pretty fast when you realize it had to come on this show. Plus, Quellek gets killed off pretty fast (perhaps fitting), and unfortunately, Alan Rickman does not come prancing in, promising that, By Grabthar’s Hammer, he shall be avenged. Even that probably couldn’t save this show.

32. Z Nation (SyFy)

Oh man, this show is so crummy guys (CRUMMY). It’s close to becoming the designated Drinking Game Show of the week, but I don’t know if the show knows how bad it is yet, and I don’t care enough to find out. And I don’t foresee a shortage of drinking in my future.

It’s SyFy’s answer/rip-off of The Walking Dead, set three years after the first infection. You know how screwed the world would be if a zombie apocalypse happened? DJ Qualls, yes that DJ Qualls, would be military. He practically is a DJ here, living up to his name, with “season tickets to the zompocalypse,” working alone at Camp Northern Light, or something. Even in a dystopia, nobody wants to hang out with DJ Qualls. Qualls is late to evacuate the base, and they leave without him; they immediately fly to their deaths. They’d rather die than hang out with DJ Qualls. I’d rather watch almost anything else than Z Nation.

Z Nation is filled with more nonsensical, military BS talk than the “Z’s” themselves (what a clever term for zombies). The world-saving mission that the surviving dregs of the military are on is called “Operation Bitemark.” Seriously. Most of the tomfoolery is uttered by DJ Qualls, rendering any call sign or operation name about as meaningful as a Bluth family mission. I’d take Operation Hot Mother any day, but I’m a Motherboy.

Speaking of children, there’s also a zombie baby stuffed amid a mission to the CDC, a possible zombie cure, and essentially all four seasons of TWD jammed in an hour. For those who bemoan the AMC show’s deliberate pace, Z Nation provides a terrifyingly awful counter argument. There are several deaths, time jumps and tragedies that befall this boring cast of stock characters, but there’s never a reason to give a shit. We need to care about these people before it matters when they die. Of course, Z Nation is a show where you’re definitely rooting for the zombies to tear into these people so we don’t have to waste any more time on them. The more they kill, the closer to the end of the world, and hopefully, the end of this show.

Favorite Moments:

• “He’s a baby. He makes noise.” “Shut up.”
• LOST refugee Harold Perrinau’s Hammond at one point sighs, “God I hate moral dilemmas.” SyFy has a moral dilemma on whether or not they should keep this show on the air.
• Fantastic zombie rules: “A month ago? That’s like 2 years apocalypse time.”

I actually did like the idea of a pop-up weapons caravan that sells various guns, knives, bullets and other hairy concoctions. I also enjoyed the conceit that the zombie’s speed depends on how long they’ve been dead: they’re fast immediately after, then slow as time goes on. This doesn’t explain why a baby turns into a devastating ferret-like monster once bitten, since zombism presumably doesn’t make you faster. Or so one would think. But there’s not a lot of thought put into Z Nation.

31. Forever (ABC)

Ioan Gruffudd might be the most boring actor on the planet, yet he keeps landing TV roles, his career seemingly as immortal as his title character in this dull show.

At one point during this derivative pilot, Henry (Gruffudd) explains to us in a droll monologue: “My life is just like yours, except for one small difference…it never ends.”

I live forever, no biggie guys. I’m just like you. You can empathize me, relate to my suffering. WHAT THE FUCK?! If an immortal prick tried to befriend me, the injustice would be that I couldn’t friggin’ kill him. My life is just likes yours, except I’m Brad Pitt. My life is just like yours, except I own an island. My life is just like yours, except I’m the orphan of a now extinct alien race.

Henry has “seen a lot,” but hasn’t learn shit about life or his condition over the last 200 years of his life. He just knows that when he dies, he wakes up in the nearest body of water naked, not a scratch on him. He’s Ichabod Crane/Sherlock Holmes without the charm or quirks. He’s understandably obsessed with death, so he works at a morgue along with Joel David Moore (Bones, Avatar), who has been neurotic and awkward as long as this show’s title (For-Ev-Er).

In the opening scene Henry’s the only survivor of a massive subway accident, and even before he gets a cryptic villainous phone call, I was having Unbreakable flashbacks. While it’s not exactly Mr. Glass on the other end, there’s someone else like him out there, and they’re about to engage in a Sherlock/Moriarty battle, with New York as the playground. Or something.

What’s depressing about Forever, or at least, a few of the things that make me depressed, is that the wacky premise is just an excuse to throw Henry into a police procedural opposite Detective Jo Martinez (Alana De La Garza), a woman who escaped Woman Crush Wednesdays, and after one case, gets to bring Henry along during investigations until this show gets cancelled. This job tag-along crap is one of my favorite procedural tropes; if there’s ever a murder involving fantasy football, Red Pandas and IPA’s, I might walk away with a job.

Henry’s lifespan and accumulated knowledge only manifests itself in his keen observational skills. He’s another Psych, Mentalist, Sherlock character, because the public loves seeing assholes who can figure out that you’re allergic to coconuts, have 3 cats, like anal sex and are still emotionally recovering from the death of your postman. Women also love men who pay attention, so Henry’s a ladies man. Throw in a little bit o’ Nazi backstory, and you have Forever, a show I’ll be watching…

Never. Never again, anyways. Unless the Moriarty character is played by Alan Rickman.

30. Manhattan Love Story (ABC)

“I want to write a love story set in Manhattan.”

“Oh my god, what a revolutionary idea, and even better, it already has a ready-made, totally informative, awesome title!”

“Love Story Set In Manhattan? Sounds awkward.”

“Manhattan Love Story, silly.”

“OMG, you’re right.”

A studio exec leans over the coffee table, spilling their mimosa. “Excuse me, did you say Manhattan Love Story? We’ll BUY IT!”

Manhattan Love Story sounds like a vague place holder title a writer would have on his To-Do list, or the barebones plot description of this mostly dreadful pilot. But, I suppose it tells you all you need to know: not to watch it.

In the nightmarish opening moments, Peter (Jake McDorman) walks down the New York street, debating whether or not he’d have sex with the women along his path. Coming from the opposite direction is Dana (Analeigh Tipton), who’s doing the same thing…with purses (she’s debating whether she’d own them, not fuck them, I think). When they pass one another, they both essentially say “Yes” to each other, and this is their unfortunate story.

Neurotic, single and “adorkable” Dana just moved to New York because of a new job. Of course, that’s not really important. What’s important is that she’s single and needs a boy, or so sayeth her evil, manipulative, yoga instructor friend/roommate Amy (Jade Catta-Preta), a character type that only exists on shitty sitcoms.

Amy’s that girl who always has to be in control, forcing her husband-or-whatever David (Nicolas Wright) to enlist his brother, who of course is Peter, to go on a date with Dana. You don’t need me to tell you that it goes terribly. Dana is a klutz with technology/everything, accidentally typing Peter Cooper into her Facebook status (a clever joke mined in Trophy Wife last year). She also calls instead of texts, and does the unbearably painful accidental text ABOUT Peter TO Peter (okay, so I’ve been there). Dana’s a mess, guys.

Whereas Peter is a ladies man who sees women as trophies, which makes sense, because he works for a company that makes trophies, a business that is BOOMING, because America loves to reward everything, not just first place, in order to celebrate mediocrity. You could say the same about Manhattan Love Story and network television, though that might be mistaken for a compliment.

Dana cries on her date, Peter makes fun of her cute list of things she wants to do in NY, and the pair have an awful, dueling stream of consciousness monologue happening in their respective heads at all times. It’s a conceit that might’ve been wonderful on How I Met Your Mother, but here, it emphasizes how little you actually want to hear these characters talk.

Peter and Dana, of course, make up, and have a moment en route to the Statue of Liberty, one of the things on Dana’s list. It’s clear the two of them will have a bumpy road, and I suppose that’s the flimsy hook of the pilot: what touristy things are these mismatched heathens going to do next in the most overseen city in America? Perhaps more importantly: will Dana conquer social media? Judging by the final moments, when she has an embarrassing encounter with her FB relationship status (a joke that would’ve felt biting in 2006), the outlook is about as bleak as this show’s prospects. The show probably won’t last, which is almost a shame, because then my spec script Toledo Love Story won’t get off the ground.

29. Bad Judge (NBC)

You’ll hate this show by the opening frame: Kate Walsh, passed out in an impossible position, wearing a leopard print bra, and shimmery sequin underwear, is jolted awake by the omnipresent alarm clock. She’s late to work, and has to pop pills incessantly to get there in time, driving an insane hippie van en route to Van Nuys Municipal Court, while awaiting the results of her pregnancy test. It’s a testament to how lame this show is, that I feel bad that Van Nuys has the unfortunate duty of taking the brunt of the setting, and Van Nuys is the cesspool of the valley.

Kate Walsh plays Judge Rebecca Wright, and she’s actually not as Bad as you think she is: she’s a slutty, messy alcoholic, sure, but she shows up, and goes well beyond her job description when it comes to helping out Robby (Theodore Barnes), a kid whose parents are in jail because Rebecca put them there. As Judge Hernandez states, “You’re a Judge, not a social worker!” but who really cares? Rebecca may have had wine and cake for breakfast, or so she says, and we’re supposed to revel in how screwed up she is, but she mostly just talks about how bad she is, than actually being bad. She saves Robby from bullies and juvie, makes a nice speech at some boring gala and has friends at the Court, while seeing through the inherent bullshit of Douglas Riller (the normally fantastic Chris Parnell), who’s on trial for having two families or something.

The show also stars Ryan Hansen (Party Down) as Gary, one of Rebecca Wright’s many hook-ups (they have sex in her chambers!). After Gary Busey, he’s her favorite Gary, clearly the one that’s supposed to stick (for the four episodes that this show will last). I think Gary Busey could make a more coherent sitcom than Bad Judge.

Bad TeacherJudge was envisioned as a female Eastbound & Down, with Adam McKay and Will Ferrell trying to spice up a show…created by Anne Heche (THE Anne Heche). What remains is a show that doesn’t know what it is, stumbling out of the gates drunkenly in high heels. Its pilot starts abruptly; I felt like I had a hangover similarly potent to Rebecca’s, not the kind of feeling I want when watching TV.

I expected to despise Bad Judge, but instead, due to its limp existence, found myself completely emotionless. Bad Judge not only lacks laughs, but a pulse. There’s some inkling of a Bad Santa-like relationship between Rebecca and Robby, and it certainly was the most tolerable part about the pilot, but to call it disjointed from the rest of the proceedings is an understatement. It didn’t mesh at all with what the show is supposed to be. Of course, I don’t know if NBC has any idea what Bad Judge is supposed to be, and I’m not going to bother finding out.

Tone Bell (…Whitney), who plays Tedward Mulray (really?), the court security officer and pigeonholed black character, remarks: “2014 is a trip.” Excuse the poor writing (it’s not like Bad Judge sets a high bar), but 2014’s Fall TV is a (bad) trip.

28. Mulaney (FOX)

Saturday Night Live writer-performer and stand-up comedian John Mulaney is talented, likable and a star seemingly perfectly suited for a TV show.

But something has gone horribly wrong with Mulaney. I was told by someone I reasonably trust that Mulaney was originally intended as a meta-sitcom hoping to lampoon the very nature of sitcoms themselves. Instead, what came out is exactly the kind of show that John Mulaney would most certainly revel in making fun of. It’s a crappy, cliche sitcom, one so bewildering and unfortunate, that I’m at a loss of what the hell I just watched.

In the show, Mulaney is a struggling stand-up comedian and writer, nervous for an interview with the pompous TV personality Lou Cannon (Martin “Life’s Too” Short “To Be Wasting His Time On This”). He, of course, gets the job, but it’s a mixed blessing because Lou sucks. While Mulaney struggles with his “dream job,” fellow comic Motif (Seaton Smith) finds himself in the zeitgeist with a new hip joke, “Problem Bitch.” Even if it doesn’t have an ending. He has an 18 hour window to come up with one, until the audience realizes they’re “laughing at nothing.” It’ll take you far less time to realize you’re doing the same thing while watching Mulaney, even with the live studio audience somehow churning out a laugh track.

Whenever I create the League of Extraordinarily Awful TV Characters, pretty much everyone on this show will compete for a spot on the hotly contested roster. Jane (Nasim Pedrad) argues convincingly that definitions of “crazy” for men and women mean entirely different things, but she justifies every bad thing a man has thought about a “crazy” woman in this episode. She’s going through a break up, so she breaks into the guy’s emails, stalks him, uprooting flowers that she planted at his apartment. She actually is INSANE. Hilarious. Andre (Zack Pearlman) is the douchiest drug dealer you could come up with, inspiring a Newman-like hatred from Mulaney and the rest of his friends. And that’s the point; the parallels between Mulaney and Seinfeld are obvious. Each episode starts up with Mulaney’s stand up, and he plays a version of himself alongside larger-than-life sitcom characters who “enliven” every scene with big entrances.

The whole show is trying too hard; John Mulaney and company seem so desperate to please, that each tired situation and joke nearly causes physical pain. Everyone is mugging for the camera as if they’re attention starved extras. It’s like watching an ill-advised sketch that isn’t working…that runs for 22 minutes. This show has Martin Short and Elliott Gould, two all-time greats. It can’t be this dire, can it?

Motif’s “joke” boils down to this: “If you don’t know the problem, you’re the problem bitch.” FOX makes an easy target as the problem bitch for a show with so many of them, but I don’t think anyone is innocent. Everyone involved with the show is the problem, bitch.

27 & 26. A to Z (NBC)/Selfie (ABC)

Both of these are grouped together for many reasons. One is so I don’t have to waste the time writing two separate entries, but mostly it’s because both shows are misguided, mostly repugnant sitcoms, wasting the efforts of truly likable people. It’s also because I watched them on the same day, about a month ago, and have blissfully forgotten most of that experience.

How does a show with Karen Gillan and John Cho elicit so much hatred? Because they happen to be in a show called Selfie. It’s an abhorrent title that has no defense, but we as a society deserve at least some of the blame for enabling a studio to even consider this a smart idea. There’s an inherent hypocrisy that “Selfie” is getting such a bad rap for a name, when almost every single one of us are taking selfies whenever possible. But at least we’re not making a TV show about it, you rightfully counter.

The title isn’t the only problem with Selfie, unfortunately. Its first half is as bad and cringe-worthy as you expect a show called Selfie to be, with Karen Gillan slutting it up and bravely becoming the world’s worst human, consumed with likes and follows, with no notion of how to be an actual person. She is the Black Hole of Suck that embodies all that’s wrong with social media. Enter John Cho, as her life coach and I’m sure her eventual love interest, except the show won’t last long enough to get there. It’s a testament to Gillan and Cho’s talents that they can SOMEHOW make the show watchable in the second half, when Gillan’s Eliza Dooley becomes less like a terrifying caricature and a living manifestation of nails on a chalkboard, and someone who just barely avoids deserving a punch in the mouth from every person she meets. It’s actually a mild miracle that could portend a dramatic turnaround a la Cougar Town, but I doubt it.

Sidenote: Is John Cho on a mission to star in every TV show on air? He had Go On, a recurring role on Sleepy Hollow, this mess, and a cush voice gig on American Dad! I guess he figures he needs about 2-3 a season to have one at any given time.

Since How I Met Your Dad didn’t happen, A to Z is the gimmicky, schmaltzy romantic sitcom that hopes to take its place, even gifted with the absolutely adorable Cristin Milioti, who somehow lived up to being the Mother on HIMYM. It also has Mad Men scene stealer Ben Feldman, the Andrew to Milioti’s Zelda (get it, A to Z?). There probably isn’t a more delightful new coupling on TV. Or so you’d think.

A to Z is a show that stars a woman I’m legitimately mad I’m not old enough, New York enough, or talented enough to have met before she was famous. The pilot features multiple Back to the Future references. I still probably won’t watch another episode.

Andrew (Feldman) and Zelda (Milioti) are perfect for each other because the Narrator (Katey Sagal doing her best Allison Janney impersonation, oddly enough) tells us in an obnoxious opener that actually “reveals” that Andrew’s a man’s man who loves sports with the boyz, while Zelda is a girl’s girl…and Andrew sings Celine Dion (who doesn’t?)…blegh. They, of course, have insanely specific shared interests, ones that can be mined for comedy and for stubborn, insistent proof that they are one another’s romantic destiny. Instead, Andrew just comes off as a creep in proving their meant to be-ness. It’s hard to make the charming Ben Feldman creepy, but A to Z manages just fine. That’s what happens when a guy tracks down concert footage to prove whether or not someone you hardly know was in attendance.

Feldman and Milioti are meant for great things, just not for each other, at least not in A to Z. Like Andrew’s character, it’s trying too hard. If it was a bit worse, and I was a curmudgeon, I’d finish this review with the painful retort: “With an entire alphabet to play with, the only letter it reaches is F.”

That’s a failing grade, y’all.

25. Red Band Society (FOX)

Because Fault of Our Stars was a YA sensation, the clear message to advertisers is this: young people love to watch young people die (I guess this is more or less true considering Hunger Games and the string of dystopian successes). But Red Band Society uses this as a shortcut to feels and tragedy, rather than earning an audience’s emotional investment.

In a hospital that has a rooftop perfect for parties, a wealthy hypochondriac recluse who lives in one of the wings and gives dope to kids (An American Werewolf in London‘s Griffin Dunne, actually giving the show a breath of funky fresh air) and attractive doctors, lives a group of kids of various socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, and diseases. They are the Red Band Society.

Octavia Spencer is a “scary bitch,” who relishes in the barista getting her name right on the coffee cup. While the cup reads scary bitch, this is Nurse Jackson, the hardened woman keeping track of all these sick kids, who also has a heart of gold. But she doesn’t want to be muffin buddies with Nurse Dobler (Rebecca Rittenhouse), whose crime is clear: she’s too nice. You made me a plate of muffins? How dare you try to befriend me, you BITCH?!

The Red Band Society comes with a mawkish monologue from coma patient Charlie (name o’ the week nominee Griffin Gluck), who speaks in “this means that” misdirection with a voice that reminds you of Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin. There’s “…the story you want people to know and the one you don’t.” “How do you tell someone who needs a heart…that she never had one to begin with?” “Luck isn’t getting what you want, it’s surviving what you don’t want.” [When you get sick, people assume] “life stops…but it’s the opposite: life starts.” We have to forgive the Hallmark/inspirational phrase-of-the-day calendar stuff, because Charlie’s speaking FROM a coma: “This is me, talking to you from a coma. Deal with it.” Okay.

Kara (Zoe Levin) is the early favorite for Worst New Character on TV: she’s a Mean Girl cheerleader who coins phrases like “niplash” and after she collapses during practice, she decides to smoke in the hospital, BLOW CIGARETTE SMOKE INTO CHARLIE’S FACE (Charlie being the coma patient), and uses Charlie’s call button to get attention. She treats the nurses like their room service: she actually orders a kale salad from Nurse Jackson. But dammit, she needs a heart transplant. Maybe I should feel bad, but mostly I felt like they were robbing me of my ability to hate this character, who deserves several volumes of text dedicated to hating her. Kara’s not going to be eligible for a heart any time soon, thanks to her wide and varied drug use seen in her toxicology report. Wah wah.

Red Band Society ladles on the sentimentality and depression in equal measures, but luckily, the show’s heart is in the right place, even if their characters may not have working ones. Eventually, being forced to feel actually works, and dammit if something wasn’t stirring when Leo (Charlie Rowe) brings the gang together, and gives them all red bands, bracelets from his various surgeries that he’s kept as horrific mementos, quoting Shakespeare’s Henry V, labeling them his band of brothers. The relationship between Leo and new roommate Jordi (Nolan Sotillo) is the show’s saving grace, as Leo turns into an unlikely mentor for a friend forced to wade through the same tragedy. On the eve of an operation that will leave Jordi minus a leg, Leo promises him: “they can never cut into your soul.”

While Red Band Society smacks of somehow translating cancer kids and their foibles into marketing money, the show still feels like it has one. A soul, that is.

24. Madam Secretary (CBS)

Is “Not Politics As Usual” the most awkward slogan ever? Or is it the title I wish this show to have? Probably both, even if this is very much…politics as usual.

The Oval Office has always needed a middle-aged mother of three. After the Secretary of State’s plane went down, Keith Carradine (joining the annals of TV Presidency) tabs Elizabeth McCord (Tea Leoni) for the job. They apparently used to work in The Company together (we’re so cool we don’t have to call it the CIA). Prepare to hear The Company more times than you care to.

She’s the “least political person” the President knows, the only one he can trust to make real change. After all: “You don’t just think outside the box, you don’t know there is a box.” How do you say no to that pitch?

Ugh. Someone at CBS said yes to this pitch, and while it has many laughable and groan-worthy moments, it’s also very…competent. Elizabeth McCord may think outside the box, but this show is constructed entirely out of boxes. There’s a conspiracy, Elizabeth relies on her skills as a Mother in matters of National Security and diplomatic peacekeeping meetings with equal aplomb, and she even has to weather a new personal stylist. Oh, politics. You’re the worst.

But this show somehow isn’t. It’s so very standard, and predictable, but it’s not bad. It’s comfort food that tries to have edge: Elizabeth has shady contacts! Tim Daly is always shady! There’s a shady death! Politics are so shady, but the show’s tactics are so familiar, that its edges only further embolden the box’s architecture.

Zeljko Ivanek has played so many government aides that it’d be weird for him NOT to be in this show. How many times do you have to play a “combative chief of staff” before he gets grandfathered into the real Oval Office?

Hilariously, Quellek of Galaxy Quest, is ALSO in this show, as the director of the CIA. Good for Patrick Breen. He doesn’t even die!

At some point in this pilot episode, a character (probably a politician), admits, “I don’t think now is the time for substance.” He/she could be talking about this show, this fall season, or network TV as a whole. It’s certainly been CBS’ politics as usual mantra and MO for years (with a few exceptions), and it’s worked for so long, because these are the kind of shows that become hits and stay on for years and years. Why do so many people settle for mediocre, “safe” TV? Because so many people are morons. But with more and more outlets for content, and so many of them outstripping the major networks, hopefully the networks will respond with something bolder than a woman in the oval office.

23. Stalker (CBS)

Kevin Williamson has forever cemented his place in my heart with Dawson’s Creek, but Stalker continues a disturbing trend of horror-shock entertainment, akin to The Following.

We open with a hooded stalker with creepy slits in his mask burning a woman alive in her car. This case is forwarded to LA’s Threat Assessment Unit, where Beth Davis (Maggie Q) and her team excel in tackling stalker cases. How To Make It In America‘s Victor Rasuk and True Blood‘s Mariana Klaveno are Detectives with the thankless duty of holding case files and introducing them, while murmuring about how capable Beth is to the new guy Jack Larsen (Dylan McDermott), who’s hired to make sure the other detectives never have to leave the office. Jack was transferred from NY to LA because he slept with his boss’ wife, he has a big personality, and basically for being everything you personify in a Dylan McDermott character. Meaning: you hate him, just like Beth does when she first meets the lout; it’s slightly clever of Stalker to play with McDermott’s inherent hate-ability even if I question their methods. He’s a smart ass who makes inappropriate jokes (he transferred to LA to meet Scarlett Johansson, presumably a stalking victim) and admits to checking out Beth’s breasts; what’s not to love? Oh, he’s also tailing a blonde woman (Angel‘s Elisabeth Rohm) with a family, potentially a devious stalker himself.

Stalker is slick (because misogyny is cool, yo), mostly well made, but do you really want to spend an hour watching men and women getting attacked? That’s just not the type of escapist entertainment I’m drawn to, and this show doesn’t posit itself as anything more than that.

During a convenient lecture, Beth Davis tells us that over 6 million people get stalked each year; that’s 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men. It’s a serious problem, one exacerbated by social media and the unparalleled access people are relenting online. You want Stalker to get into the mindsets of stalkers, to attempt to take some sort of stance, but much like The Following, it’s mostly reveling in the violence, while Stalker‘s crippled with a procedural bent on a case of the week. It doesn’t glorify stalkers like The Following seemingly did for serial killers and cults in a disturbing way, but Stalker is already walking a fine line.

Stalkers are a sticky topic: most people don’t notify the police, or when they do, they can’t prove it. This is the crux of the problem; law enforcement can’t help most of the time, a realization that has spurred Beth to take matters into her own hands, much like a vigilante. This revenge fantasy could turn the show on its head, and highlighting the problems with catching real-life stalkers almost seems important. But it certainly feels like Stalker is going to be a spotlight for creepy, over-the-top horror movie level villains. That’s the mistake Kevin Williamson and company make; they assume the greater the evil, the freakier it is. I daresay focusing on the stalkers we’d find in real life are even scarier.

So which shows will be quality this fall and next spring? Well, your guess is at least as good as mine, but if there’s one thing the internet has taught us, it’s that you don’t need to be perfectly informed to share a possibly inaccurate opinion. So here’s a ranking based solely on my excitement levels for each show. While there are at least a dozen other shows currently in some stage of development, these rankings will reflect only those currently scheduled to debut before summer 2015.

–

Zombie Division

2. iZombie

Based on: 2011-2012 series from DC Comics’ Vertigo line

Network/Debut: The CW; midseason debut with exact date TBD

Pros: The comic book iZombie, by Chris Roberson and Michael Allred, was very well-regarded, and this adaptation is helmed by Rob Thomas of Veronica Mars and Party Down. And as oversaturated as the zombie market is, the premise here stands out, with an intelligent zombie who gets a portion of the memories from the dead brains she eats, a power she uses to solve crimes.

Cons: Another fucking zombie show? When Sira was talking about shows we didn’t really need, this could have been Exhibit A. And its status as a midseason replacement show might be a sign that even The CW, which doesn’t require as high of ratings, doesn’t have a ton of confidence here.

1. The Walking Dead

Based on: Ongoing series from Image Comics, 2003-present, by Robert Kirkman

Network/debut: AMC; debuts Sunday, October 12 at 9/8c

Pros: It’s the most popular show in the history of basic cable television, which is probably a good sign. It inspires crazy amounts of fandom. Confession: I don’t actually watch this show, and while I don’t doubt the quality, I’m just not into zombie stuff enough to have any plans to change that. But if you’re already a fan, I’m sure you hardly need me to tell you of its Pros anyway.

Cons: I don’t know. Maybe the midseason breaks are tough to deal with?

–

Non-Zombie Division

7. Gotham

Based on: DC Comics characters; semi-inspired by the concept of Gotham Central comic book

Network/debut: Fox; debuts Monday, September 22 at 8/7c

Pros: Gotham Central showed that it is absolutely possible to tell a compelling story about the police of Gotham City without actually showing Batman. The show has assembled a pretty strong cast, with Donal Logue’s Harvey Bullock and Robin Taylor’s Oswald Cobblepot earning particularly strong reviews from those who’ve seen the pilot.

Cons: I know it’s unfairly vague to say, but this just doesn’t feel like it’s going to work. Some of the elements we’ve heard thus far — bringing in Catwoman and Poison Ivy as girls, for instance, who already look well on their way toward their adult alter egos — gives the show more of an X-Men: Evolution vibe than a Gotham Central vibe. I’ll of course still give it a shot and am hopeful, but I’m just not as excited for this one.

6. The Flash

Based on: DC Comics characters

Network/debut: The CW; debuts Tuedsay, October 7 at 8/7c

Pros: It shares creative team members with Arrow, which has delivered two very fun seasons that serve as a strong template for superhero shows. Grant Gustin really nailed the aw-shucks good guy vibe of Barry Allen in his Arrow guest star spots. Reviews say the pilot embraced a more lighthearted tone than Arrow, which is appropriate for a Flash show. We’ll get some crossovers with Arrow, which should be fun. And most importantly, Tom Cavanaugh is in this.

Cons: Andy reviewed the pilot here, and it sounds like a pretty mixed bag. That lighter tone in the Pros is apparently also a Con at times in actual practice, with some weak dialogue. Hearing about the heavy reliance on stock character types is a disappointment, as that’s always been one of The CW’s flaws. But I’m still legitimately excited for The Flash, so it’s placement here is a good indicator of my enthusiasm for the remaining entries.

5. Daredevil

(The new show doesn’t have any images of its own yet, so I thought the Daredevil Lego figure would conjure more positive emotions than the Daredevil movie.)

Based on: Marvel Comics characters

Network/debut: Netflix; May 2015

Pros: Marvel Studios has an impressive track record in developing its characters, and Netflix has had major successes itself with original programming. The production style should make it easier to create a single unified story without any extended lulls. You can binge watch it all without having the horrifically long wait of seven days between episodes. Parts of its cast look very strong; Vincent D’Onofrio should be a great Kingpin, and my long-time crushes Deborah Ann Woll and Rosario Dawson are onboard. Woll might actually be able to make Karen Page interesting. Dawson’s role in unspecified, and while speculation is pretty heavy that she’ll be Elektra (and she probably is), I’m holding out hope that she’s someone we haven’t seen in live action yet (Typhoid Mary being my personal choice).

Cons: I liked Charlie Cox well enough on Boardwalk Empire, but he didn’t strike me as someone who would really be right for DD. I support any members of the Mighty Ducks getting work, but it’s hard to look at Elden Henson’s filmography and not wonder if Marvel’s famous stinginess in paying actors played a role in him getting hired as Foggy. The show also lost initial showrunner (and Whedon and Abrams alum) Drew Goddard to the Sinister Six movie, though replacement Steven DeKnight has solid credentials himself.

4. Constantine

Based on: DC Comics characters

Network/Debut: NBC; debuts Friday, October 24

Pros: John Constantine is an outstanding character, originally created by Alan Moore but with a ton of growth in different directions since. Actor Matt Ryan looks and sounds perfect for the part. Andy was very impressed with the Pilot, and Andy is never wrong. If done well, this could be as good as any show on this list.

Pro and Con: The Friday time slot is both a blessing and a curse. It’s an indication the network doesn’t have tons of faith in a show’s ability to get ratings on more competitive nights, but it also can take some pressure off a show, since lesser ratings are needed to survive cancellation on a Friday.

Cons: The show changed its lead female character already. Constantine can’t smoke on network TV, and while I’m not exactly pro-smoking, smoking has been such a constant part of his character that it’s hard to imagine him without it. The show is also omitting his bisexuality, particularly unfortunate in a genre that already has problems with diversity.

3. Arrow

Based on: DC Comics characters

Network/debut: The CW; debuts Wednesday, October 8 at 8/7c

Pros: This is the most proven superhero show on TV and by rights should arguably be No. 1, but I just like the upside of the next two a little more. Over its first two seasons, Arrow has proven an ability to throw a lot of wish fulfillment at fans, taking advantage of being separate from the DC Cinematic Universe to give us tons of heroes and villains without any concern about them being used elsewhere. Its cool factor is off the charts when it’s firing on all cylinders. This looks like the season we get the Olicity romance kicked up into full gear, not to mention the return of John Barrowman to a series regular and the entry of Brandon Routh. The cast members just have great chemistry and seem like nerds/fans themselves, which maybe shouldn’t matter but really does make me feel warmer fuzzies for this show.

Cons: Deathstroke is gone, and I’ll miss Manu Bennett. Given the chance to cast one DC’s greatest villains, Ra’s al Ghul, Arrow chose … generic white guy. So that’s pretty damn disappointing. They also cast Wildcat as young and sexy, which kinda ruins the character dynamic to me. Of course, the Con for The CW as a whole is the need for young/sexy casting with little diversity. Also, poor Laurel; she’s still a Con, and nothing the shows tries seems to change that.

2. Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Based on: original Marvel Cinematic Universe characters and some Marvel Comics characters

Network/debut: ABC; debuts Wednesday, September 24 at 9/8c

Pros: Holy crap, talk about a turnaround. This series went from barely watchable at times during the first half of its first season to my favorite show on network TV by the finale. Criticize the early season all you want, but when things finally kicked into high gear, it became great. We now enter Season 2 with the characters more interesting than they ever have been, a lot of mystery, and with what sounds like a much stronger plan and focus, including an intriguing possible Big Bad in Daniel Whitehall/Kraken (played by great Whedon alum Reed Diamond). Add in Lucy Lawless as a sexy agent and Adrianne Palicki as Mockingbird (!!!) and a season premiere loaded with guest stars, and there is so much to be excited about here. Getting to see Coulson be the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. should be, to quote Clark Gregg, “Squeeeee.”

Cons: B.J. Britt still isn’t a cast regular despite absolutely stealing the show down the stretch as Agent Triplett. I mean come on, give that guy a damn promotion already! And the first half of Season 1 has hurt a lot of fans’ confidence in the show’s ability to maneuver around the restrictions placed upon it by the Marvel movies, though personally, I’m feeling confident; nothing else is going to compare to Captain America: The Winter Soldier dismantling the organization in the show title. Also, they’re introducing a mercenary whose name is literally Lance Hunter. Like, really?

1. Agent Carter

Based on: Marvel Comics characters, dramatically updated by the Marvel Cinematic Universe

Network/debut: ABC; debuts January 2015

Pros: Did you see the Agent Carter one-shot? Because hot damn, that was great stuff. Hayley Atwell proved in Captain America that she was more than just a love interest, but the one-shot proved that she can carry a story all on her own with confident ease. Given how many of us want to see a solo superheroine film while getting frustrated with the roadblocks, real and imagined, it’s pretty freaking exciting to see a strong woman at least getting her own show. And Atwell’s Peggy Carter is all you could hope for in a female lead for this: tough, smart, sexy, entertaining, British, and freaking cool. To make matters better, Dominic Cooper is reprising his charismatic role as Howard Stark, and we’ll see the original (human) Edwin Jarvis. If Neal McDonough returns as Dum Dum Dugan, I might really lose it. I also think the midseason strategy could be cool, running a short season between the fall and spring halves of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Cons: There is some oddness to the report that the series is supposed to take place before the Agent Carter one-shot. Given that the one-shot takes place one year after Captain America is lost at sea, that doesn’t leave a lot of time for this series’ events. But even that might not a big deal; a second season can just fast forward a couple years to give us Director Carter.

It’s getting to be that time of year when I re-watch my baby beginning to end. I’ve also been dying to do a BtVS ranking FOR. EVER. so here it is. Buzzfeed has already completed a full ranking of all the episodes but I refuse to do the same because it may give me a hernia, so instead I’m ranking BUFFY in three separate posts: by Season, then by Episodes-per-Season, then Top-Episodes. Please leave your hate mail at the door, ’cause this is gonna be sooper ruff.

Season 8 Comic Art

7. FOUR. Oh my god, four. The worst season of any television show ever. Creator Joss Whedon was trying to help BtVS find its legs after the loss of Angel and Cordelia and with the gang moving onto college and growing up. In experimenting with some new things he also did some very bad things that we should forget forever. A few heart breaking episodes and a few terrific stand alone episodes, but mostly horrendous ones, BtVS S04 was traumatizing for all us faithful, loyal fanatics.

6. ONE. The premier season of BtVS was a mere 12 episodes of campy lines and atrocious effects, but it was also the introduction season to a show that would become one of the biggest cult phenomena’s TV has ever seen.

5. SIX. A lot of folks will argue this was one of the best seasons, but I’m fairly torn about it. It had some great moments, and I won’t even try to deny that seeing James Marsters shirtless every other episode wasn’t dazzling, but as far as storytelling goes, the magic-addiction and end of season deaths were too much in all the wrong ways.

4. THREE. Not a Faith fan. She was not the worst character we saw on the show (hello, Dawn!) but she got real old real fast. Her attitude, her actress, her everything. But, The Mayor.

3. SEVEN. I know, I know, I know. Most everyone hated S07, but I quite enjoyed it. After all the hard work, dedication, loyalty and love she’s protected the world with for the past seven years, we finally saw her fall from favor and for just a moment – just a brief, fleeting moment – give up. The girl who was nothing but strong over the years; sacrificing the love of her life for the greater good; the girl who died twice; the girl who saved everyone how many times… If Whedon hadn’t humanized her enough through all her trials since Sunnydale High, watching our girl finally give up and say, “No more” for a single episode really hurt.

2. TWO. It pains me to choose between S02 and S05, but alas, such is the job. Season Two was brilliant. The pain and inevitable suffering we the fans endured along with our heroine as Angel ruined all our lives was not without its saving grace: Season Two solidified that we would be with Buffy until the end, standing by her side and fighting with her. Season Two brought us our favorite psychotic duo Spike and Drusilla, and made us grieve the loss of fan favorite Jenny Calendar. Season Two broke our hearts over and over again.

1. FIVE. Anyone who doesn’t believe S05 to be the strongest, most interesting and heartbreaking season of show did not watch the same BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER that I did. There are so many things to say about season 5, that I couldn’t possibly list them all without my head exploding so let’s go with: Spike, Glory, JOYCE, Buffy Bot, The Watchers Council, The Doc, TARA, and Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Season Five was perfect.

Rankings were designed to test our allegiance, devotion, endurance, strength and ability to weed out the weak. In other words: they suck and I hate them. Stay tuned for the next installment of “Ways to Make Your Soul Hurt.”

What follows is the first of what I hope to be a weekly series delving into every show that I watched during the week, ranked in terms of excellence. The rankings will be made in accordance to past performance, the most recent episode (what have you done for me lately?) and the whims of my whimsy and/or bowels. The list will be decidedly shorter in the coming weeks, even as new shows join the mix, because I will be extricating a great deal of these shows from my frontal lobewatch list after just one (or two) episodes. That might not be fair…but rare is a show so obviously bad and awful in its pilot, yet somehow rebounds to greatness (I would say PARKS & RECREATION is the only one in recent memory that is close to qualifying). For the first (or last) fifteen shows on this list, I knew they were shit by the time the title credits rolled. Getting to the end credits was a heroic feat.

So go forth and read up on what shows you should or shouldn’t be watching…and be sure to yell at me if you disagree. I love to argue about TV.

To bounce around the rankings, navigate to PAGE 1 (38-30), PAGE 2 (29-21), PAGE 3 (20-11), PAGE 4 (10-1).

38. DADS (FOX)

Keep your fingers crossed that this show gets cancelled.

It’s been awhile since I watched a show that threatened to tear out my soul and stomp on it like this sexist, misogynistic, hateful piece of “television.” When you look around and see all the stunning dramas and clever comedies on the air today, and you gobble up the “golden age” of TV chatter, its shows like this that move back progress twenty years, with an insultingly juvenile premise that likely makes TWO AND A HALF MEN seem like a walk through the Louvre. I only recently discovered why people liked Seth Green, as I binge watched BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER last year, but before that, I had never understood why. Its shows like this that makes it even harder to. I’ve never seen a fall season so stacked with talented and relatively big name actors than this one. After watching as much as I could…I’ve never seen so much wasted talent. The idea that Green and FRIENDS and AVATAR star Giovanni Ribisi have talent might soon prove a faulty assumption.

If you were worried that ubiquitous kooky latino woman Tonita Castro wouldn’t find a gig after GO ON, don’t be. She’ll be playing maids in sitcoms long after we’re all dead and the hamsters have taken over the planet (and that’s sad).

If there was a saving grace about this show (and there isn’t), it’d be Brenda Song of NEW GIRL fame, who definitely has the chops for an ensemble sitcom gig.

37. LUCKY 7 (ABC)

This was the only show, besides BETRAYAL, that I didn’t get a “chance” to watch, and wouldn’t you know it, it’s also the first show cancelled this fall. If you didn’t believe that I have pull in Hollywood, now you should. I honestly thought a CRASH-like show featuring a motley, disparate group of people who won the lottery had some potential going on face value, but that’s clearly false. Obviously the 6 people who accidentally watched this show hoping it was a LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN spinoff were disappointed.

36. THE 100 (CW)

The 100 is detrimental to your health.

I could give you 100 reasons NOT to watch this show, but that would be devoting far too much time to such a sophomoric show. It’s another in a long line of HUNGER GAMES rip-offs, about what happens after a nuclear holocaust only kills off ugly and fat people, leaving just the sexy and chiseled Canadian actors of the CW to wage a LORD OF THE FLIES like war on an Earth that can only now sustain life. Charles Darwin in action.

The “He Needs A New Agent” award goes to LOST fave Henry Ian Cusick, who plays the villainous military leader of the 100 in this one. I wouldn’t say that GREY’S ANATOMY cast-off and homophobe Isaiah Washington landed on his feet with this one, but I’m also not too broken up about it. X2 star Kelly Hu’s also around for the ride, for whatever reason. ARROW has more important guest stars up their sleeve.

When I started to type the show’s name into IMDB, not only does it not show up on first glance (an ominous sign), but the far more compelling Swedish film THE 100-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO CLIMBED OUT THE WINDOW AND DISAPPEARED did. It comes out this Christmas, and has this lovely synopsis:

Based on the internationally best-selling novel by Jonas Jonasson, the unlikely story of a 100-year-old man who decides it’s not too late to start over. For most people it would be the adventure of a lifetime, but Allan Karlsson’s unexpected journey is not his first. For a century he’s made the world uncertain, and now he is on the loose again.

35. SUPER FUN NIGHT (ABC)

When CBS passes on a show that stars “it” comedy star Rebel Wilson, it likely means something. For whatever reason, Rebel Wilson has been the symbol of the big funny woman in Hollywood, and I don’t get it. It doesn’t matter to me what a comic actor looks like, as long as they’re funny. I don’t think Rebel Wilson should be getting raves because she’s large and unapologetic for it. I applaud the sentiment and imagine she’d be a fun person to hang out with, but I can’t stand her persona, and this is coming from someone who loved BRIDESMAIDS and liked PITCH PERFECT. Melissa McCarthy has a ton of talent and deserves the accolades, whether she looked like Angelina Jolie or Roseanne Barr. But Rebel Wilson is one-note, and that note is awful. At the very least, this show seeks to serve a hunky dory message, that weirdo nerds deserve to have fun too, but that hardly masks the problem that there isn’t a funny line in it (if you think it’s clever that Rebel’s character Kimmie’s last name is Bubier, or Boob-e-ay, then by all means, DVR this).

The show will add TRUE BLOOD and PITCH PERFECT stud Anna Camp to it, so there is that. I also liked that the British put upon love interest was actually nice and fond of Rebel and her friends rather than the awful Kendall bitch.

34. SEAN SAVES THE WORLD (NBC)

I don’t.

Since WILL & GRACE ended, Sean Hayes has reinvented himself as a successful producer with GRIMM and HOT IN CLEVELAND, and after watching this pilot, I wish he had stayed there, or at least chosen a better avenue for his return to sitcom-ville. If you think a show about a single parent dealing with parenting for what apparently is the first time (when the daughter is in H.S.), where the struggling parent in question has to make inane remarks about that very same fact, is breaking new ground, then you likely think the GOLDEN GIRLS is still ongoing (alas, it is not). You also probably thought that sentence was convoluted, and you’d be right about one thing at least.

Linda Lavin plays a wannabe Lucille Bluth, and CHUCK’s Lester (Vik Sahay) has a blink and you’ll miss it cameo. RENO 911’s Thomas Lennon likely has the same agent as Henry Ian Cusick, as he has the misfortune to play Sean’s boss, and has the most unconvincing real mustache ever, or the least convincing fake mustache ever. If that sentence confused you, you’re not alone.

The “you need more self-esteem” award goes to Megan Hilty, who gets an even more insulting role than the one she had in SMASH. The 13 people that are still upset that SMASH wasn’t renewed might have gotten that comment.

Also, since when is Sean Hayes a big enough actor to just cash off his first name in show titles, or gets to play “versions” of himself on TV with his same name a la Charlie Sheen? If it doesn’t work for Andy RIchter, it won’t work for you Sean.

LAUGH COUNT: 1. Total.

33. THE TOMORROW PEOPLE (CW)

There’s nothing “different” about these attractive people.

This show is an unapologetic theft of X-MEN, with young purdy people gaining the trifecta of superpowers (telepathy, telekinesis and perfect nipples/teleportation), a mysterious leader, and a government agency seeking to track and corral them. It’s like every TV show you’ve ever seen that involved superheroes and people with powers, as we hammer the “people hate and fear what’s different” truism into the ground. There’s a point where a character actually laughs at the notion that they’re called tomorrow people…like that’s supposed to make it better.

This show will likely be a huge hit, or whatever that means in terms of CW land, because this show features Robbie Amell. Yes, the younger brother of Stephen Amell, the star of ARROW. While he’s remarkably similar in looks, and he does have some of the charm, the acting ability isn’t there.

Because he’s seeking to appear in every single genre TV show ever made, Mark Pellegrino plays the government agent trying to catch the hotties. He’s awesome, but oops. Peyton List of MAD MEN fame is really pretty…which is why she’s on this show.

This show is apparently a refurbishing of a 70’s British show with the same title, where British teens purportedly go “Jaunting,” or teleporting. Another reason why the Brits are better than us. The show had a second incarnation in the 1990s…so this show is even LESS original than even I thought. Wow.

32. THE MILLERS (CBS)

Can you think of a more sitcom-y picture?

In many ways, Greg Garcia is the working class version of Chuck Lorre, with RAISING HOPE and MY NAME IS EARL mining laughs from the decidedly less affluent. He ditches that aspect here. It’s pretty hard to separate any of the crappy new sitcoms, but this one gets the boot because it’s so clearly the biggest waste of talent of them all. Will Arnett seems like a smart guy…but then you have to explain RUNNING WILDE and UP ALL NIGHT. And letting Amy Poehler out of his grasp. If there’s any guy who has earned an awesome sitcom, it’s Mr. Gob Bluth, but THE MILLERS better not be it. I feel like since this is on CBS it’ll somehow survive, an even worse fate, because not only is it wasting Arnett, but this show has somehow wrangled Beau Bridges and the FANTASTIC Margo Martindale (DEXTER, JUSTIFIED, THE AMERICANS) to play dopey, newly divorced parents. The show also has GLEE’s Jayma Mays, who is in danger of no longer making me feel cuddly inside. The cherry on top of the bloated sundae is that this show has somehow nabbed CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM’s J.B. Smoove. You’d think all these elements would make for something great…instead it makes it all the more painful and cringe worthy.

LAUGH COUNT: 2.

UPDATE: Unfortunately, THE MILLERS has been picked up for a fullseason, meaning this show has officially taken a year out of the professional lives of Will Arnett, Margo Martindale, Beau Bridges, J.B. Smoove and Jayma Mays. Oof.

31. WE ARE MEN (CBS)

We Are The Worst.

A good rule of thumb to live your life by: if it has Jerry O’Connell in it, run far, far away. Has he done something good since STAND BY ME? Put him, Kumar, Monk and a freshly left-at-the-altar’d man in a temporary apartment complex with biddies aplenty, and that’s the concept of this sitcom that seeks to showcase men at different stages in their “recovery” from divorce. It’s along the same vein as DADS; if “get-laid” comedies were fresh and new, this might be hilarious. Instead, it feels more dated than THE GOLDBERGS.

The “WHY GOD WHY” award goes to the wonderful Tony Shalhoub, who has tumbled far below his threshold of suck with this one. At least he’s doing something new…as he’s a ladies man going for hot women in their 20’s (with a predilection for Asians that is supposed to be…funny?), but that sentence just made me sad. Maybe this is just where his career’s at right now…but I don’t want to believe that. Tech Sergeant Chen… Tech Sergeant Chen.

UPDATE: As of 10/9, WE ARE MEN became the second show cancelled this fall, failing to capitalize on its MOTHER of a lead-in. So far, the networks have gotten the cancellations right, at least. Perhaps more troubling is the idea that WE ARE MEN was not only envisioned as an heir to TWO AND A HALF MEN, but that CBS is looking for heirs to TWO AND A HALF MEN in the first place. Be better TV watchers, people. [EW]

30. MOM (CBS)

Terrifying.

A lot of people have awesome famous celebrities that were alums of their high school. I have Anna Faris. Along with the fantastic Allison Janney, they both dumb themselves down for this new Chuck Lorre sitcom about recovering alcoholics getting a hang of their lives and each other, again.

What you might not know is that this show is actually a BREAKING BAD spinoff, as it not only features a meth cooking reference, but Matt Jones (Badger to you) is Baxter, the father of one of Anna Faris’ children. He certainly plays the same character, his name is similar and he might’ve had to go on the lam…it all makes sense.

The “He’s Still Alive” award goes to 3^RD FROM THE SUN’s French Stewart, who seems even more like a cartoon villain than he was before, if that was possible.

LAUGH COUNT: 4.

UPDATE: Apparently, MOM is the 3rd highest rated new comedy, and has been picked up for a full season. This makes it more likely that Chris Pratt will guest star as his real life wife’s other baby mama at some point. [CS]