2014 Fall TV Power Rankings, Round 1

22. Black-ish (ABC)

In the opening moments of ABC’s new sitcom, Anthony Anderson introduces us to the “mythical and majestic black family,” presenting his four kids, Pops and mixed race wife Rainbow (really) as a tourist attraction in the white-bread posh LA neighborhood he lives in. It’s a knowing wink to the lack of diversity on network TV, and actually kind of funny, and shows the surprising potential this show has.

Black-ish is a (mostly) self-aware sitcom hellbent on tackling race relations and what problems a black family has to deal with today. Mostly, it’s attempting to show us what it means to be black in a country with a black President, and the seeming dangers of homogenization.

Pops’ (Laurence Fishburne, only 9 years older than “son” Anthony Anderson, segues to gruff, sarcastic, sniping Gramps role) advice to his son is simple: “keep it honest,” and that maxim is what made Black-ish feel refreshing at times, in spite of references to O.J. Simpson, grape soda and fried chicken. Black-ish hopes to transcend stereotypes and give us an authentic look at “urban” America, while attacking the double standard, but hopefully it spends less time playing with old stereotypes. Also, hopefully it doesn’t present every white character as completely inept at talking to black people (they believe you have to actively try to talk differently to someone black). The show is called Black-ish to represent the shifting continuum of race, so I’d hope all races are granted the same flexibility.

Dre Johnson grew up in the hood, but now has a sweet gig at a marketing film, and is in line for a big-time promotion into the very white upper management division. Instead, he’s put in charge of a new “urban division.” Dre’s furious, betrayed, but the hypocrisy and difficulty of the situation highlights why this is such fertile ground. Dre would’ve been more mad if the job had gone to a white guy, yet he’s also mad that he got the job just because he was black. It’s a no-win situation, one that he almost torpedoes until his wife and son teaches him a lesson. Dre realizes he has to get in the door in order to make some noise, and that appears to be Black-ish‘s goal. I think it’s a worthy one; like Dre himself says, they’re onto something, they just got to smooth over the edges.

Dre feels like he’s losing his grip on black culture, on his culture. His son Andre goes by Andy, wants to play field hockey instead of basketball, and asks for a Barmitzvah. Dre plans an African rites of passage ceremony instead, because he’s a TV sitcom dad who wants his son to fit into what he expects him to be. None of this is subtle, but you understand why Dre feels threatened: “I’ll be damned if I’m calling him Andy.” Take it from me, you don’t want your son named Andy.

The show has drawn comparisons to The Cosby Show, which is unfair in every possible way. It’s not as good or revolutionary as The Cosby Show, nor will it ever likely be, and that’s not really Black-ish‘s fault. It’s also disappointing that 30 years after The Cosby Show premiered, that it’s still the go-to comparison. Despite its crappy name, and immense baggage, Black-ish is one of the few shows with a purpose, one that’s actually trying, and that leaves me hopeful that it’s allowed enough time to grow.

21. Scorpion (CBS)

Read my review of the pilot here.

If you’re the fourth smartest person in the world, what do you do? You sell a TV show based on your life, that somehow feels more incredulous and unrealistic than Sleepy Hollow. With a ragtag group of virtuoso’s with unique mental gifts (hacking! physics! mechanics! behavior/Sherlock stuff!), it’s Avengers meets Big Bang Theory. Thankfully, the show seeks understanding of geniuses with low emotional intelligence, rather than make fun of them and hook them up with Kaley Cuoco. It’ll be Katharine McPhee instead, who gets a job with the government herding geniuses around, because she knows how to talk to people. Sounds like a good gig if you can get it.

It was weird seeing Walter O’Brien in person speaking at Comic-Con, bewildering seeing him at the red carpet at Paleyfest, and hilarious that Scorpion‘s pilot was directed by Fast and the Furious‘ Justin Lin. It has some of the most brainless, batshit crazy action sequences you’ll see in a show, and that’s not a bad thing, especially when it’s balanced against quirky genius talk. I found myself enjoying the whole package in the pilot in spite of myself, but I doubt its merits going forward.

20. Gotham (FOX)

To read more of my thoughts on the rest of the forthcoming superhero TV show crop, check my first and second Superhero Showdown column on PopInsomniacs, in which this write-up was more or less lifted.

It’s been labeled as the top new show by Andy Greenwald, my more talented doppelganger, and the most promising fall show by people who presumably know something (TCA). But that comes with an asterisk: this is one of the saddest sack of shows since I’ve given a shit about that kind of thing.

After watching Gotham‘s pilot (AKA “The Case of the Shiny Shoes”), I became even less enthused about Gotham, and my optimism has blanched with each passing episode. There’s not much to be happy about through 3 weeks. I wrote much of the following after watching the first episode…and even now it sounds painfully optimistic and positive.

It’s a show that’s marketed as a prequel to Batman, without Batman, yet it can’t help but stuff every scene with a joke, nod, Easter Egg or character from the Bat-verse. When Bullock tells Edward Nygma, the Gotham CSI, “if I want riddles, I’d read the funny books,” it’s as if Gotham is puffing out its chest at how clever it is (Nygma is the future Riddler; the reference will either go over your soft head or make you groan). But it’s not; most of the references are cheesy, ridiculous and painful. I wonder if this is the directive from FOX, because show runner Bruno Heller, on the surface, appears to be concerned with crafting a dark, old-fashioned cop show. Of course, if that’s the case, he shouldn’t have set it in Gotham City.

The pilot is so distracted by a murder we’ve seen committed umpteen times (and likely positions the mystery as the central season-long arc), that it doesn’t really give any of the characters something interesting to play. Logue’s Harvey Bullock was a reason to be excited, but Harvey is a composite of every drunk, corrupt cop we’ve ever seen, complete with a flask, perpetual hangover, douchey hat, greasy hair and Pepto Bismol. Jada Pinkett Smith’s Fish Mooney says things like “Who’s this cool glass of milk?” and means them as a  serious form of communication. She’s so over the top, that Robin Lord Taylor’s Oswald Cobblepot (Penguin, in case the billion references fly over your head), a snivelly, effeminate creep, seems almost normal. Every character is a cartoon cliche; almost every Batman animated series (Bruce Timm or otherwise) is more realistic, dark and palatable than Gotham.

There are reasons for optimism. Ben McKenzie’s Jim Gordon could be the best part, and that’s reassuring, since he’s presumably the star when we’re not worrying about all of the origin stories inching forward. But it’s hard to respect the lone beacon of honor in Gotham when everyone else is so laughably corrupt and bad at their job (it’s way worse than Chino). I’d feel sorry for Gordon, but McKenzie isn’t that good.

The show improves when the Poison Ivy, Catwoman and Penguin references become less visible/onerous. It’s weird to almost want less comic book stuff, but if what we’ve gotten so far is any indication, then that’s exactly what Gotham needs. It might be the only way it doesn’t collapse in on itself. Comic book nerds are no longer starved for seeing their favorite characters on the screen, when these references would set them into a tizzy of giggles. What we want more than that is a good TV show. Instead, with this week’s “The Balloonman,” we got “the dumbest hour of television so far.” I’d beg to differ, but of the shows that are supposed to be good, Gotham is the biggest liar of the bunch.

Despite my criticism, I can’t really stop watching a show called Gotham. It’s exactly why FOX paid massive amounts of money to make the show, and probably at the crux of its problems.

19. Survivor’s Remorse (STARZ)

Entourage + basketball = Survivor’s Remorse. And surprisingly, that’s not a bad thing.

You know the story: an incredible athlete escapes a gang-infested youth and makes the big-time. Cam Calloway (Jessie T. Usher) is an undrafted free agent turned superstar, landing with Atlanta on a massive deal after years of playing for the minimum in Memphis. Reggie (RonReaco Lee) is his cousin, best friend, manager, and the guy trying to make sure he doesn’t spend all his newfound money at once. This is a tough job because of all the hanger’s on/family in his circle, like M-Chuck (Erica Ash) and Uncle Julius (Mike Epps gets to say lines like, “You’re not Fresh Prince, and you ain’t Carlton”). They’ll also have to deal with owner Jimmy Flaherty (played by Chris Bauer, or Andy from True Blood).

While Cam has had a troubled youth (becoming painfully obvious when tapes of racist raps are uncovered), he’s pained by his success. He doesn’t feel happy to have escaped the Boston projects; he feels guilty for leaving everyone behind. During the best scene in the episode, Reggie tries to talk him down from his depression and sad movie marathons (“Fuck Schindler’s List“), but it’s clear from the title that Cam will be haunted throughout the series. It reminds me of my third favorite scene in Good Will Hunting, when Chuckie tells him “the best part of my day” is every morning when he thinks that Will has finally left for greener pastures.

And that’s what makes the show promising; we’ve heard the cautionary tales of athletes burning through all their money and ending up back where they started, or worse. Cam and Reggie are well-aware of that possibility (the show is painfully aware), but Cam also doesn’t want to abandon his upbringing, even if his old “fuckie” friends from the neighborhood blackmail and pull guns on him in this episode. It’s like if Will Hunting came back to Boston, and Chuckie, consumed with bitterness and regret, threatened his best friend’s life (“It’s hunting season”).

Cam’s family and entourage are annoying, but that’s the point. How do you restrict your sister to a salary when she’s the one who raised you? Sometimes Survivor’s Remorse piles on the trauma, as when M-Chuck asserts that she saved Cam from a Sandusky situation (oof), but this pilot written by (!) Mike O’Malley (Yes, Dear) feels like one of the more realistic dramatic offerings of the fall, perhaps thanks to LeBron James’ executive producer role. James may be returning home, but clearly he could teach Cam Calloway a thing or two about the dangers of leaving it behind.

18. Flash (CW)

For far more insightful commentary on Flash, read my review of the pilot.

I’ve been less enthused about the Arrow spin-off than almost everybody else. Most of that was based on the pilot, which jammed in puns revolving around speed like audiences were playing Flash bingo at home. It’s refreshing that the show is light, frothy and quirky rather than the dark and dour Christopher Nolan mood that has seeped into every DC property like a fungus. But with that comes an entire cast modeled after Felicity Smoak, trying and failing to be her.

Then I saw Gotham, and felt like a sense of humor, even a groan-worthy cheesy one, might not be such a bad thing. Flash is Smallville 2.0 (its FX seem hardly improved), a notion that would’ve been cute in 2003, but at least Flash isn’t pretending to be anything other than what it is: a quippy light-hearted companion to CW’s Arrow. The more I think about it, the easier it is to imagine Flash improving and growing from its premise, thanks to its experienced EP’s (Andrew Kreisberg and Greg Berlanti, also of Arrow).

17. Constantine (NBC)

I saw the pilot back in July, and I don’t know if I have any new profound thoughts on the show today than I did then (my review).

At the time, it seemed like Constantine had a ton of baggage: the main character won’t be seen smoking, they aren’t going to address his bisexuality, they got rid of the main chick from the pilot…but the pilot still worked, and by getting rid of the tired Chosen One angle trope, Constantine might move at a gleefully brisk pace. Even with its question marks, it has a lot less baggage and expectations than Gotham, which should allow this show to be a lot more fun. In many ways, I think it’s going to be NBC’s answer to Sleepy Hollow, and a perfect pairing with Grimm on Friday nights.

16. The Mindy Project (FOX)

I’ve seen three episodes of The Mindy Project: the pilot, the second season premiere and now the third season premiere. I’m normally a completist, but I kind of enjoy checking in on Mindy this way, like a doctor giving a physical every year. I also just don’t think I could handle it in longer doses.

That said, The Mindy Project seems to be getting healthier and healthier. Mindy is now with Danny, and while a relationship with Mindy makes me want to hide in my bathtub (“We’re a couple now, haters!”), it’s certainly ripe with comedic potential. Of course, I don’t really prescribe to the obnoxious Twitter-friendly humor (I hate that Tamra’s character doesn’t feel fictional). Thankfully, Adam Pally and Ike Barinholtz are around, and the show continues to have a flair for guest stars, like It’s Always Sunny‘s Rob McElhenney in the third season premiere.

I don’t know if I care enough about The Mindy Project to go through with it, but my odd viewing habits with the show inspired The Mandy Project, where I would flit between the first, second and third seasons, alternately, in order. 1×1, 2×1, 3×1….1×2, 2×2, 3×2…1×3, 2×3, 3×3. It’s as annoying as Mindy can be, and probably never been done.

15. Nashville (ABC)

Nashville is one of my favorite shows to binge during a season. Your self esteem and self respect lowers along with the characters, while your BAC likely rises along with the boozy ensemble.

Every year, Nashville gets off to a bad start, and I question why I ever tolerated it in the first place. New characters suck, the old characters are thrown into mind-numbing storylines.

This premiere is basically a retread of the finale, picking up on all the soap operatic subplots, and then bizarrely flashing back 12 hours earlier…so we can see how Juliette Barnes brought herself to cut her hair? So we can see why Luke Wheeler punches Deacon, even though we already know? So we can see why Layla is upset at Will, even though again…we already know? It’s a stupid flashback, and annoying, robbing us of moving the story forward, and getting to anything remotely interesting.

Because this is Nashville/Nashville, Avery deals with his break up to Juliette with alcohol, to the point where he’s drunk for an entire episode. This is the only way people deal with grief on Nashville.

The only saving grace about this episode (aside from a potentially promising Patsy Cline biopic that Juliette auditions for) is that we see Luke Wheeler with a hilariously bad mullet/ponytail hybrid wig on, when Rayna mulls over her choice between husbands: Luke or Deacon. Deacon is the choice we want, but is it the right one? Who cares, all I want to see is Luke mulleted up all the time.

Teddy appears to have turned over a new leaf: he’s going to be nice to his daughters this year. Of course, Teddy is one of the dumbest characters on TV, so whatever. I probably won’t check in on this show again until the end of the year, with a bottle of whiskey in tow.

14. Once Upon A Time (ABC)

The fourth season of OUAT starts with the words: “A long time ago…,” cutting to a stormy night at sea, a ship going down, Elsa and Anna’s parents going with it, determined to deliver their children the truth, because it’s “the only thing that will save them.”

It’s a laughable assertion of time. Less than a year after coming out in theaters, Frozen‘s follow up can be found on ABC. It’d be unbelievable, except we’ve all lived in a post-Frozen world for the past year. Nothing surprises me when it comes to that behemoth anymore, and it’s certainly a massive coup for Once Upon A Time, a show determined to remain frustratingly mediocre, with periodic glimpses that it could be otherwise.

They’re going all-in with Frozen this year, as it’s easy to picture this episode as the framework for a sequel to the massive Disney blockbuster. Elsa (Fringe‘s Georgina Haig) discovers a journal that seems to confirm that she’s a monster all over again (all she’s missing is a hook for a hand), forgetting EVERYTHING she’s learned on the eve of Anna’s (Elizabeth Lail) wedding to Kristoff (Scott Michael Foster). Turns out their parents we’re headed to a place called Misthaven, and because Anna is naive/independent/stupid/awesome, she bails on Kristoff and her wedding to travel to Misthaven to find proof that Elsa isn’t evil, since she can’t discover that herself. Now, Anna’s missing, and Elsa’s on a quest to find her. Except, she’s in Storybrooke, creating Bumble and inspiring over-the-top cries from Storybrooke’s excitable citizens. This episode also has the goddamn trolls in it, the one thing we didn’t need to see (although admittedly getting John Rhys Davies as the voice is genius).

Because OUAT doesn’t know how to exist without perpetually flip-flopping Regina and Rumpel’s good/evil tendencies, there’s more of that to come. Even fucking Henry is on point when talking about his not-Mom: “I hope she doesn’t become evil again.” While I was mostly prepared to gag and bash my head into the sofa throughout this episode, I found myself optimistic by the slight new direction both characters are taking. If only the writers didn’t feel the need to toy with us, or the characters, in perpetuity. Super annoying.

Frozen is certainly a bold move for OUAT, and one that could backfire tremendously for the show. How do you replace Kristin Bell and Idina Menzel? You don’t, but I’ll say that Elizabeth Lail’s Anna is delightful.

13. American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX)

While I’m always entertained/scared by Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk’s American Horror Story anthology series every year, I’ve only ever finished the show once (with season 2’s Asylum, which was its freakiest). It’s never because I don’t want to (especially in the case of the original series), but I suppose after awhile, I tire of subjecting myself to the crazy, or the crazy becomes overwhelming. There needs to be some cohesion or point to it all, and sometimes I find that lacking with AHS.

If you’re afraid of clowns, you’re screwed this year, because Twisty the Clown is this year’s Monster, and he might be the most terrifying yet:

That doesn’t even do it justice.

Although the most disturbing moment in the entire premiere was Meep the Geek, a guy who bites the heads off of living things. It was a throwaway moment, but a horrifying bald kid chewing on a chicken’s head was the image that stuck with me last night. That and Jessica Lange’s Elsa Mars covering David Bowie’s “Life on Mars” on stage for her Cabinet of Curiosities show.

I wasn’t as hooked with the first episode as many seem to be, but there’s so many great/weird ideas thrown in this season that it’s bound to trump last season’s witch nonsense. Kathy Bates as a bearded lady. Angela Bassett as a three breasted woman. Michael Chiklis as a strongman. Evan Peters as a charming man with Lobster Hands who makes money on the side fingering women?! Sarah Paulson will likely get all the pub as the telepathic, two-headed Siamese Sisters Bette and Dot Tattler, and with good reason. The danger is there of this just being a freak show, and nothing else, but I’m nervously excited to see what will befall Jupiter, Florida this season.

12. Star Wars Rebels (Disney XD)

In the opening moments of the newest foray into the animated Star Wars universe, we hear Tie Fighter’s screaming overhead, the looming presence of a Star Destroyer and witness another notch in the belt of the Redshirt-ish plight of the life of a Stormtrooper. That alone makes it better than most new fall TV shows. Even without nostalgia, it’s kind of sad that a Disney XD cartoon is better than almost everything the networks have come up with.

Despite clunky, cliche dialogue and a starship crew lifted from Firefly, it’s undeniably fun to hang out in the many Star Wars worlds again. I never watched Clone Wars, apparently to my detriment, so this feels even more fresh, new and exciting than it might have.

In the fun two-part premiere, “Spark of Rebellion,” we’re introduced to Ezra Bridger (Taylor Gray), a young, petulant Aladdin-like thief with wavy blue hair and way-too blue eyes. He takes advantage of a rebel plot (“Who are these guys?”) to steal some imperial goods, which thrusts him onboard the Ghost, starship with a motley crew (“Who is that kid?”) with Serenity‘s modus operandi adapted for Star Wars: steal from the Empire and sell to the highest bidder, while also helping the latent Rebel cause.

Rebels takes place after Episode III and before Episode IV, after the Jedi Order has collapsed and the Republic has fallen. Jedi’s are either dead or in hiding, but in the opening scene, it’s clear that Ezra might just have a will-they, won’t they relationship with the force. He’ll be shepherded by Kanan Jarrus (Freddie Prinze Jr.), one of the last remaining Jedi Knights. He’s a Han Solo/Obi-Wan Kenobi/Malcolm Reynolds hybrid. They’re joined by Zeb, a Lasat rebel who is like a mix of Jayne and Chewbacca. He’s the beastly looking alien species, except he can talk all gruff like. Chopper is a chuckling droid. Sabine Wren is a Mandalorian weapons expert, which is to say that she’s basically a hot, female Boba Fett (dibs). The ship’s captain is Hera Syndulla, a Twi’lek (the “tail-heads” species you’ll recognize from Jabba’s chambers), who is like a Zoe and Wash hybrid.

Rebels has tons of moments that will make devout Star Wars fans giddy: Tarkintown, a black-market trade town named after Grand Moff Tarkin (Peter Cushing RIP). A clever Obi-Wan cameo (who I totally thought was actually voiced by Ewan MacGregor), a Wilhelm Scream, Jabba the Hutt references, and even a journey to the spice mines of Kessel (they didn’t make the run in 12 parsecs, however). The mission of the episode involves rescuing a band of Wookies who fought for the Old Republic, one that turns into a trap before you can say Admiral Ackbar. The Wookies lacked definition, but are as cute as ever, especially because of the presence of a baby Wookie, who I was convinced was adorable baby Chewy, and I refuse to believe otherwise, even if he was apparently Kitwarr. We’re also introduced to Agent Kallus (David Oyelowo), who will be the bearded Imperial villain tracking the Ghost down for the foreseeable future for the Big Bad Inquisitor (Harry Potter‘s Jason Isaacs!).

There’s a lot jammed into the first two episodes, enough that I’ll forgive the convenient character archetypes and stilted dialogue (“A guy’s gotta eat”; “At all costs? I like the sound of that”). Especially since the show is ostensibly for kids, though we know that shouldn’t be a defense against quality. Also, because this line cancels out all other unfortunate ones: “You’re about as bright as a binary droid.”

While the ships, cities and landscapes are beautifully animated, many characters’ faces seem less detailed, bland, or gifted with some hilariously bad facial expressions, particularly in Ezra’s case. The characters movements seem very video game-like, which I guess isn’t an insult anymore, but still felt clunky at times. Even so, while we nervously wait for J.J. Abrams’ Episode VII, a new hope has emerged: Star Wars Rebels.