Alex Ross, ya’ll.

My good friend David posted a well-reasoned column “What’s so great about high school Spider-Man?” last week, which you should read here before reading this rebuttal because, well, that’s how these things work.

So go do that.

…

OK, welcome back.

And for those of you who can’t follow instructions, I offer you a brief synopsis: David not only doesn’t like the somewhat-recent news that MARVEL and SONY are reportedly going with a 16-year-old version of Peter Parker, he also doesn’t understand the fascination with high-school era Pete (hopefully you gathered that by the title of his column).

Now that you’re ready to see the other side of the coin presented, I must preface my response by saying I agree almost entirely with David’s post.

You’re probably thinking: “Ryan, I don’t think you understand what ‘rebuttal’ means…”

I do! I promise. Hence the “almost,” but David makes a number of points I agree with. I, too, wanted Miles Morales. I also think a college-aged Pete would have been more believable in the existing MCU. I agree that three origin stories (all starting in high school) in roughly a decade is excessive.

And he’s right, you can accomplish all of the same life conflicts by placing him at a university instead of a high school… almost.

Which brings us back to his prevailing inquiry: “What’s so great about high school Spider-Man?”

I’ll begin answering that question by borrowing words from somebody else and taking them out of context (strong start!). Current Amazing Spider-Man scribe Dan Slott recently said in an interview that, “Whichever Spider-Man you care about is the real Spider-Man.”

Some people love Miles Morales. Some people love Miguel O’Hara. Some probably even love Spider-Ham. Surely a good number of fans love the committed Mr. and Mrs. Parker version, while others like to see Spidey sticking his Peter in Felicia Hardy. But what about the general movie-going public? The masses who will flock to see a Spider-Man who belongs in the MCU with the Avengers, who do they want in the costume?

The answer: teenage Spider-Man because, as David quoted me as saying in his post, that is when the character seems to be “at his most magical.”

But why?

For starters, in many people’s eyes, Peter Parker is the quintessential “teen superhero.”

Spider-Man has one of the three most recognizable origins in comic book history, alongside DC juggernauts Batman and Superman. But Spidey has something up his web shooters the other two don’t thanks to his station in life — relatability.

High school Peter has no money. Few friends. Homework. Pimples. Awkward changes to his body. He’s struggling to talk girls and a bullying victim. He has sticky white stuff shooting out of him (In the Ultimate Universe, at least).

I realize David used this in his, too. But it helps prove my point!

Of all the great superhero origin stories, Peter most closely resembles the “everyman.”

Sure, you feel bad for the kid who just lost his planet and his parents and is forced to grow up in rural Kansas, but who can relate to Kal-El when he’s lifting tractors over his head in diapers? And, yeah, you feel for Bruce when his parents are gunned down but very few can relate to the billion-dollar trust fund he inherits. It’s also hard to put yourself in the shoes of  a guy who immerses himself into world-traveling, hyper-obsessive training over the better part of a decade to become the world’s greatest detective and the master of 127 martial arts.

Spider-Man is also the only one of the “Big Three” who becomes a superhero immediately after his tragic event. Spider-Man had to learn what he was doing on the fly (accidental spider pun!).

This tremendous origin has helped Spider-Man defy the odds by overcoming years of sub-par story lines, nearly irreparable continuity and a seriously bloated roster of Spider-Beings.

Surely this wouldn’t seem overwhelming to a newcomer, right?

He is dealing with all of these struggles that we all must endure when he gains his powers. His origin takes place smack dab in the middle of one of the most confusing and trying times we all go through in life.

As much as I agree with David’s sentiment that this will make it hard to believe he belongs with the way-older Avengers in the MCU, you could also argue that it adds an element of youth that is missing from the group.

That time in life is ripe for good stories. And one man saw this and updated it for the modern era, creating one of the most beloved versions of Spider-Man ever: Brian Michael Bendis.

Sure, there are a ton of Bendis haters out there for some of his controversial work on some of MARVEL’s big event comics (House of M, Avengers Disassembled, Age of Ultron, etc., as well as his recent polarizing run on the various X-Men titles) and some of the criticism is certainly earned. But Bendis knocked it out of the park(er) with Ultimate Spider-Man.

This scene kinda gets my point across in a nutshell: Peter tells MJ he’s Spider-Man. It’s powerful, emotional stuff.

When I was reading Ultimate Spider-Man in high school, I just felt it come to life off the pages. As a big comic fan myself, few runs have resonated with me in such a meaningful way.

WARNING: spoilers for a nearly 15-year-old comic incoming!!!

Also, just know that if they do choose to go the Ultimate Spidey route, it offers subject material from which they can draw without treading through the exact same stuff as the first two series: Gwen Stacy is a troubled teen, the symbiotes aren’t of alien origin. Peter’s web shooters are organic, not mechanical. Spidey dies.

It’s entirely Bendis’ world and it’s still going strong, albeit with Miles Morales swinging through NYC.

But why Miles and not Peter now? Because adult Peter lost its magic. So Bendis took the series back to what makes Spider-Man so special — high school. Young, relatable, malleable, fun.

Now just as a support for using the Ultimate Comics as inspiration, I’d like to point you to “The Avengers” film.

If you didn’t know, it closely resembles Mark Millar’s stellar run on The Ultimates. (But as David fairly pointed out to me in a recent conversation, the film benefitted greatly from Joss Whedon’s sense of humor.)

Look at the Wikipedia synopsis of Vol. 1 of The Ultimates: “General Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. establishes a strike force of government-sponsored metahumans which includes Captain America; scientist couple Henry and Janet Pym (Giant-Man and the Wasp); Bruce Banner (the Hulk) and Tony Stark (Iron Man). Together they are based at the S.H.I.E.L.D facility, the Triskelion. When Banner injects himself with the super-soldier serum and goes on a bloody rampage as the Hulk, he is eventually stopped by the other metahumans with the aid of Thor. The team then join forces with the mutants Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch and agents Hawkeye and Black Widow against the alien shape-shifters the Chitauri, who are defeated.”

Look at that roster: Captain America, Ant-Man, Wasp, Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver…. sound familiar? Well it should considering every one of them (I’m guessing Evangeline Lily will eventually be Wasp, but that’s a guess) is in the MCU.

Here are a few other tidbits the MCU borrowed from The Ultimates: a black Nick Fury, the Triskelion, S.H.I.E.L.D. establishing the Avengers by way of piecing together a metahuman strike force. Oh and stopping alien invaders named the Chitauri? Yep, check!

The Ultimate universe hasn’t exactly failed on the silver screen. They got to step out from under the weight of decades of main-universe continuity with battle-tested, modern source material to back them up.

Now that there is access to Spider-Man, I could definitely see MARVEL looking back toward the Ultimate universe to breath life back into the franchise in order to spin a different web, as it were, in the third re-telling of Peter’s origin in roughly a decade.

It’s not like the one they just abandoned was going anywhere special (except for maybe the rumored Aunt May spinoff! I wanted it to be “The Aunt-May-zing Spider-Man.”)

Ok, this is exceedingly long at this point. I promise I’m wrapping it up. As Uncle Ben once said, “With great word count, comes great unreadability.”

After the disaster that was Spider-Man 3 or the poorly-executed Amazing Spider-Man 2, this franchise needs a jolt and that will come from belonging to the MCU, not from making him older.

And if those aforementioned duds and a few decades of polarizing continuity decisions in the comics (second Clone Saga, Sins Past, One More Day, etc.) have taught us anything, maybe it’s that the question really is: “What’s so special about Spider-Man after high school?”

The defense rests.

While nobody would argue that the Oscars are a fair representation of the best movies of any particular year (and are a white male heavy bunch), many of the less-publicized categories still have the capacity to inspire and surprise. Yes, Boyhood is important. But so are the foreign language nominees, like Timbuktu, the documentaries, and of course, the shorts, separated in three categories: Animation, Live Action and Documentary. Last year I had the pleasure of ranking the Oscar nominated short films, and I’m taking another shot at the impossible task this year, starting with an animated crop that’s even better than last year. Any of the following five made me wonder if they should get the top spot, and are all worth discovering for yourself.

5. “A Single Life”

Country of Origin: Netherlands

Director: Marieke Blaauw, Joris Oprins, Job Roggeveen

Synopsis: When playing a mysterious vinyl single, Pia is suddenly able to travel through her life.

This concept, more than any other, felt like the treatment for a full length animated feature, or something I could’ve watched a helluva lot more of. “A Single Life” is the name of a vinyl record that appears on Pia’s doorstep, and it allows her to travel through different periods of her life. The animation style is a goofy 3-D, with string cheese hair and a PBS Kids vibe. It’s probably my favorite idea of the lot, and in just two minutes, accomplishes a surprising amount, while packing in one of the most devastating (yet predictable) endings.

Most Disturbing Moment: Reaching the end of the record.

4. “Me and My Moulton”

Country of Origin: Canada & Norway

Director: Torill Kove

Synopsis: One summer in mid-’60s Norway, a seven-year-old girl asks her parents if she and her sisters can have a bicycle. Me and My Moulton provides a glimpse of its young protagonist’s thoughts as she struggles with her sense that her family is a little out of sync with what she perceives as “normal”.

Me and My Moulton’s (which is a type of bicycle; who knew?) tone and voice reminded me of Alison Bechdel’s Fun Home, without the adult content and dramatic complexity, as a middle child describes her upbringing and how her unique parents shape her identity. She’s jealous of her seemingly normal neighbors, even as their father leaves them for another woman. The girl’s POV is captured perfectly; she’s embarrassed that her Dad has the only mustache in town, and never gets quite what she wants or expects from her esoteric parents, who are both architects. Their job influences the style of the short, showing us the layout and blueprints of her house, and cool moments where she draws in the scenes. There’s a lot covered in this family portrait that admirably captures the peculiar voice of a child. The animation style is 2D and simplistic, like something out of a newspaper print, except it has vibrant colors (every tree or bush looks like stained glass).

Most Disturbing Moment: Grandma strips.

3. “The Bigger Picture”

Country of Origin: UK

Director: Daisy Jacobs

Synopsis: ‘You want to put her in a home; you tell her; tell her now!’ hisses one brother to the other. But Mother won’t go, and their own lives unravel as she clings on. Innovative life-size animated characters tell the stark and darkly humorous tale of caring for an elderly parent.

The Bigger Picture might’ve had my least favorite story, but had the coolest, craziest animation of the bunch. It was like watching a rippling 2-D stop-motion impressionistic painting that was being edited, smudged and layered in front of your eyes. It’s Wallace & Gromit on acid. The whole experience is trippy: water floods the apartment, and it looks like cellophane taking over. It’s pretty freaky, mirroring the startlingly dark theme of two brothers fighting over putting their mother in a home, and how torturous and long the process is. In part because of its gonzo animation, the story was hard to follow, and could’ve had more time to breathe. It’s easy to connect with the subject matter, but it was hard to connect with the shadowy, stilted characters.

Most Disturbing Moment: “I thought about sex every second before I was 40. Now all I think about is death.” Oof.

2. “Feast”

Country of Origin: USA

Director: Patrick Osborne

Synopsis: “FEAST”, a new short from first-time director Patrick Osborne (Head of Animation, “PAPERMAN”) and Walt Disney Animation Studios, is the story of one man’s love life as seen through the eyes of his best friend and dog, Winston, and revealed bite by bite through the meals they share.

You can describe this film in one word: Awwww. Feast is easily the most recognizable of the nominations, and undoubtedly the one that has been seen the most, considering it played in front of the delightful Big Hero 6 (which is probably the favorite to take home the Best Animated Film Oscar). Feast is moving, adorable and triumphant, as we see what appears to be a stirring romantic comedy from the lens of the man’s best friend Boston Terrier, Winston, and all the glorious food he eats (it’s like Marley & Meat with a happy ending). The animation is crisp, clean, beautiful and deceptively simple-looking: Feast combines hand-drawn 2D artwork with fluid 3D animation, a state of the art process that began with the Oscar-winning Paperman.

Most Disturbing Moment: Being forced to eat Brussel sprouts.

Prediction: This will win the Oscar. Cute dog, delicious food, Disney bias and a love story seem pretty tough to beat in this category and could lead to a sweep for the resurgent animation studio, who just restarted making shorts back in 2012. But it wasn’t my favorite…

1. “The Dam Keeper”

Country of Origin: USA

Director: Robert Kondo and Dice Tsutsumi

Synopsis: Set in a desolate future, one small town’s survival is solely due to a large windmill dam that acts as a fan to keep out poisonous clouds. Despite bullying from classmates and an indifferent public, the dam’s operator, Pig, works tirelessly to keep the sails spinning in order to protect the town. When a new student, Fox, joins Pig’s class, everything begins to change.

For me, the animation style is almost more important than the story itself. I want to see different styles, worlds I’ve never seen before or couldn’t conceive of, and The Dam Keeper is mesmerizing. Its 2D animation is like a living storybook made of pastel and chalk, made from over 8,000 paintings drawn by Kondo and Tsutsumi, combining hand-drawn animation with brushstrokes.

It helps that the story got me too, The Dam Keeper the best blend of concept and artwork of the bunch. Here’s this Pig, a kid who’s bullied relentlessly at school and made fun of by all the other bastard animals, yet his one job (“to keep the darkness away”) is what saves the town day after day. The idea that anyone would make fun of the person/animal who’s saving your life is ridiculous, but kids suck, so I sadly completely bought it. When Fox arrives, seemingly as the one ally and friend to our poor dear Pig, things gain much-needed brevity, until it doesn’t (can you ever trust a Fox?). This is one of the few shorts that actually fooled me, and I was happy to be fooled, thanks to the charcoal grey hues that transform this fully realized town when the darkness comes. It’s gorgeous, heartfelt and dreary, a children’s book tinged with smog, narrated by one Lars Mikkelsen.

Most Disturbing Moment: Getting humiliated by an alligator and a hippo in the bathroom. Been there, bro.

For my Live Action Rankings, click here.

For my Documentary Rankings, click here.

The Oscar shorts arrive in theaters this Friday, January 30, 2015 and on VOD February 2015. For a full list of theaters the short films are playing in, check out the Shorts website. If you find yourself in the LA area, the Live Action and Animated shorts will open in Los Angeles at The Nuart in West L.A. and the Documentary shorts will open at the Music Hall 3 in Beverly Hills. All three programs will open in Orange County at the Regency South Coast Village.

Plans don’t always go accordingly, but sometimes, it’s for the best. I succumbed to sleep and ended up avoiding massive lines in Hall H, and now find myself in Ballroom 20 for the Marvel TV panel. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Agent Carter and maybe…Daredevil or Netflix stuff? I’m stoked.

With news that Lucy Lawless is joining AOS, I’m hoping we learn who she is going to play (Brand? An Asgardian badass?), and hope she shows up.

Marvel’s brand is up on the screen, dramatic ominous music is playing…is Hydra among us? Or is this stalling tactics? Still waiting, after seeing someone’s desktop on the screen. Amateur hour.

Jeph Loeb is moderating the panel. He be the head of Marvel TV, and EP of Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD. Loeb promises us things nobody else gets to see, and thanks the world’s greatest fans. Drink whenever someone says that, and you’ll be hammered.

We’re getting lanyards. Any day you get a lanyard, it’s a good day.

Over the course of the season, we learned to trust no one. Thanks to a little organization called Hydra. Loeb unbuttons his shirt and reveals the Hydra shirt. Sexiest thing you’ll see at the Con.

Before SHIELD, there was Agent Carter. The showrunners for the show are coming out, Michelle Fazekas and Tara Butters (Resurrection) as well as the pilot’s writers Stephen McFeely and Christopher Markus (they also wrote Captain America 1 and 2). Louis D’Esposito, director of the One-Shot, is also in attendance.

Hayley Atwell is here!

Fazekas and Butters are apparently running Resurrection and AC, which seems kinda nutty, a large task. Hopefully they can handle it.

Markus: Show is opportunity to mine rich playground. Wasn’t able to in Captain America: The Winter Soldier because of the time jump.

We’ve seen Agent Carter for about 40 minutes total in the two movies and the One-Shot. She’ll equal that with the pilot.

Atwell: Still so much to explore (duh), a lot of adventures. She mentions “powers,” but I don’t think she means it literally.

Loeb: They have not started shooting, but the Writer’s Room is going to open soon.

The war is over, Steve is gone. We’re picking up in 1946.

We get a sneak peek: “Welcome to the SSR.” Awesome old school eagle logo.

DIRECTOR NEWS! Louis D’Esposito is going to direct the first episode. Joe and Anthony Russo (Captain America: The Winter Soldier) will be directing the 2nd and 3rd episode of Agent Carter. Joe Johnston (Captain America: The First Avenger) wants to do the fourth episode. This show is going to rule.

Will Dominic Cooper return as Howard Stark? “That’d be fantastic if that could happen.”

Only questions have been from Agent Carter cosplay…until a female Winter Soldier comes up and gives me a boner. Atwell considers it a privilege and honor to play a strong woman.

Now it’s Agents of SHIELD time. We get a splendid recap of the show’s first season.

Lineup: EP Jeffrey Bell, Jed Whedon and Maurissa Tancharoen (showrunners), FitzSimmons! (Elizabeth Henstridge and Iain de Caestecker). Chloe Bennet in a shocking pink dress (sips for nips). Melinda May AKA Ming-Na Wen, who gets the biggest applause, kills in a Marvel shirt. Brett Dalton rocks a Hydra shirt, with some sexy stubble. Clark Gregg gets a standing ovation, and wins at life. Most of this panel is cheering and introducing people.

Fitz was completely heartbroken about the subject of Grant Ward’s betrayal. Iain can’t even talk about it.

Henstridge: great to be back. Know what to expect…kind of. Psyched to have a new family and the fans.

Will Skye be more involved with SHIELD? “I think so…” She still ships SkyWard. It’ll take a long time, so until then, she’s really okay with Skimmons. Me too.

What was it like being told you were Hydra? “A bit of an emotional roller coaster that day.” That Friday night, shoot a Dalton and Ming-Na fight, then was told in the meeting, and jaw drops. “But I got to work with Bill Paxton…It was quite a turn, but I’ve embraced it wholeheartedly.” Apparently was on board very quickly. “Turned the sexy up” when he became bad, according to Maurissa.

What was it like to become the Director of SHIELD? Agent Coulson, Director Coulson and Clark Gregg have been merging. All voices in head said “Squeeeee.” “I think you know what I mean.”

NEW FOLKS:

-Lucy Lawless will be on the show. She’s playing a long-time SHIELD veteran. May have a knife on her side. Her name is Isabel Hartley, and you’ll be seeing her pretty soon. Sounds like an original character.

-Lance Hunter of S.T.R.I.K.E. is joining the show. British actor Nick Blood is cast. Not a SHIELD agent, he’s a mercenary. Coulson is reaching out everywhere he can…and finds this young man, and helps with the team.

-AWESOME. A/The Big Bad is Reed Diamond (Dollhouse, Much Ado About Nothing) will be playing Daniel Whitehall, a legendary Hydra agent.

-Yay Bloopers of SHIELD. A lot of dancing, laughing and merriment.

-Where’s Triplett?

-Kid with “one liners for days” and Coulson’s big gun. Kid Coulson!

-How will rest of team react to Ward’s redemption? Elizabeth: “Terrible.” Fitz (Caestecker is too hard to spell): “Yeah.” High-fives Ward. Bennet: “I don’t know…he’s really hot as a Hydra agent…better than SHIELD. I’m going to say no.” Ming-Na: “As long as he keeps taking off his shirt in front of me.” Dalton doesn’t get to answer. Gregg: “I don’t feel good about it, but maybe if he bought Fitz a monkey.”

-Any chance of seeing Deadpool? Um, NO. “He’s over in that other universe.” He asks this question every year, apparently.

-How would Chloe feel about being Jessica Drew? She gives no real answer other than excitement. Apparently her identity is a fun guessing game on set, she has no idea. Finds out stuff right around the same time as us.

-Brought into trailer to see secret/new pages: “It was really cool…but also very sad.” (Gregg). Got us excited for the show, especially after watching Winter Soldier. Apparently Ming-Na and Chloe kind of cried. Chloe freaked out about kissing him; “I slept with him” (Ming-Na). Dalton: Didn’t get to work with these lovely people as much, but again, loved running around with Bill Paxton.

They started shooting AOS’ second season YESTERDAY. But we still get an awesome tease, which involves Patton Oswalt as Billy Koenig stressing the importance of our security lanyards. It’s a funny/clever bit…and then his “brother” Sam Koenig, A NEW ONE, pops in, and mentions another brother receiving a phone call from Bobby Morse (presumably not the actor from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and Mad Men). He had a codename that I totally missed over the applause/cheers, but it sounded like Marky Mark; could’ve been a joke, or could’ve been someone famous I totally missed (how helpful). Apparently whoever s/he is, is in (I want that to mean Maria Hill). EDIT: BobbyBobbi Morse is exactly who he said, I was just an idiot. I’ll admit, I have a blind spot when it comes to MOCKINGBIRD‘s real name. But this is awesome. We get someone with powers, someone with ties to the larger universe (Hawkeye’s beau), and another badass chick. I’m slightly concerned about Triplett’s spot on the squad, since it sounds like we’re adding two more members to the squad, and B.J. Britt wasn’t in attendance with everyone else, but I think I’m being as paranoid as Koenig is about lanyards. Koenig mentions that they have secret weapons that we’re familiar with that should help in the fight.

I fucking love MARY POPPINS. It got the lead spot in my Autobiography in Movies post that launched this site. When I first watched the film, like Michael, I realized I had to keep an eye on this one pretty early. “She’s tricky,” as he says.

It’s so darn charming and like Mary Poppins herself, is practically perfect in every way. I love every line.

MARY POPPINS, to me, is one of the very best movies ever made, a shoo-in for my personal top 5.

We are not a codfish.

Julie Andrews is a vision, Dick Van Dyke slays me every time, an immortal man-crush, while David Tomlinson’s portrayal of George Banks’ character arc is inspiring.

If you don’t get captivated by MARY POPPINS, you don’t have a heart and are worse than the Grinch or were sexually abused by your nanny. Those are the only acceptable excuses.

I love the whimsy, the music, the sense of humor, the “gritty” London setting and the cartoon backdrops.

I love that Jane and Michael Banks craft a brilliant poem/letter asking for a Nanny that they never should’ve been able to write. I love that their father is a complete a-hole about it.

I love that I live within walking distance from where the film was shot.

I love the animals, particularly the penguins.

I love to laugh.

The joke is the most nonsensical, completely straight forward joke ever told.

If you’ve seen Disney’s schmaltzy, pat-on-the-back SAVING MR. BANKS, you know the history behind MARY POPPINS. Or at least a version of it. So I’ll skip the background, and gloss over the inane fact that P.L. Travers and many at Disney weren’t happy with the choice of Dick Van Dyke, which forever proves that people don’t know shit (or nothing).

Recently, I played Edward 40-hands while watching this cinematic masterpiece. If any photographic or video evidence of the performance comes to life from the afternoon, I’ll likely have my very own George Michael situation.

If only.

Thirsty for some Strawberry cordial? If you’re anything like me, you’re as giddy to get going as Bert himself.

The rules follow, but remember: be safe, smart and don’t drink and drive. 

DRINKING GAME RULES

1. Drink for every song, a Disney staple that proves I’m not creative in fashioning these drinking games.

2. “Posts, everyone!”: Sip whenever Admiral Boom and Mr. Binnacle fire the cannon, and the house threatens to fall apart.

3. Drink for every classic Bert dance.

4. Drink for every scene with a cartoon animal, or a singing animatronic bird.

5. Sip for every D-V-D costume and/or job change. This includes when he’s Mr. Dawes Sr.

6. Drink whenever Winifred Banks is a picture of a doting, dopey housewife.

7. Drink for every unintentionally sexual/awkward line.

8. Sip whenever Dick Van Dyke proves he’s the master of physical, slapstick comedy. Neil Patrick Harris might be the only one close to his complete skill set that I can think of in today’s day and age.

9. Drink any time someone says tuppence.

10. Drink to any reference to Mary Poppins’ perfection.

Expert Edition: Play this drinking game while singing and dancing along with the film. If you can do that, you win my undying respect. And hers:

Until next time, gov’nah.

Thirteen years after THE RESCUERS, Disney produced their FIRST ANIMATED SEQUEL ever. So you have THE RESCUERS franchise and its success to thank for LADY & THE TRAMP 2, THE LION KING 2, BAMBI II, CINDERELLA 2 and the other wretched Disney sequels.

But, to be sure: THE RESCUERS DOWN UNDER is anything but that. THE RESCUERS DOWN UNDER is just as wonderful and enchanting as the first one, returning our heroes from the Rescue Aid Society, Miss Bianca (Eva Gabor) and Bernard (Bob Newhart), but putting them in an exotic new locale: the Australian Outback!

I believe THE RESCUERS is a better film (drink to it!), through and through, though among my peers, DOWN UNDER is the overwhelming favorite (probably because it came out closer to our births). The original is certainly more disturbing and dark, with a scarier villain (to me) in Madame Medusa. But McLeach, voiced by friggin’ PATTON, George C. Scott, is no slouch in that department either, and more three dimensional. Here’s his villainous reel. DOWN UNDER is more fun, with more humor, and less scenes that make you want to slit your wrists. Plus, the animation is gorgeous, a big upgrade from the original.

This time, the kid that our luverly mice couple must rescue is Cody, a badass/stupid boy who roughs the Australian outback by himself. Instead of the million animals that can kill you in Oz, he befriends a majestic golden eagle named Marahute. Local poacher Percival C. McLeach bumps into Cody, discovering a golden eagle feather on his backpack. Naturally, he throws his backpack to a pack of crocodiles to trick the Rangers into thinking Cody is dead. Instead of that tragic fate, Cody’s merely kidnapped by a raving lunatic who wants to capture Marahute and reap the profits. Because eagle feathers can make a guy rich in 1990. Of course, when said eagle is about 15 times bigger than a human child, McLeach is likely onto something.

Soon enough, Bernard and Miss Bianca are on the case. This is what we want to see, of course, but Bernard’s miffed, because he’s trying to propose to our gurl. Cue bumbling hijinx and “almost” proposals. Instead, they must ride the Albatross express one more time, off to Australia, where they bump into the R.A.S.’ local representative and tour guide Jake (Tristan Rogers), a strapping hopping mouse with a sexy Aussie accent, creating a love triangle between mice. It also provides a chance for Australian caricature.

Instead of riding Orville, Bernard and Bianca hitch a ride on his brother Wilbur, who’s spinal column IS BENT OUT OF SHAPE, until accidentally fixing itself when escaping the mice medical staff. That’s lucky. Good on THE RESCUERS for winking at the Wright brothers with the name again. Plus, Wilbur is voiced by the unbelievable John Candy, and as you’d expect, is the best part of the movie.

Jim Jordan, who voiced Orville, died right after the first THE RESCUERS. John Candy died four years after DOWN UNDER. If they ever make a threequel, I would not volunteer to voice the Cooper Manning of the Wright Brothers. The role is clearly cursed, even if delightful, scene-stealing, and representative of everything wonderful about old-school animated films.

One must not forget McLeach’s sidekick Joanna the Goanna. What the hell is a goanna? It’s apparently a highly intelligent and very large monitor lizard, like a komodo dragon. When watching, I simply assumed Joanna was a komodo dragon who loved herself some eggs:

RULE TIME:

It’s been mandated that you must drink Australian beer for this game. Since that likely means Foster’s, Australian for Beer, I apologize. Plus: Aussies don’t drink Foster’s.

1. Drink for every different type of animal we encounter in the Australian outback.

2. Take a sip during any resplendent Marahute flight, who’s about as luxurious and as big as a Boeing 747.

3. Drink whenever a horse whispering technique is used to tame an animal.

4. Whenever Jake flirts with Miss Bianca, drink.

5. Toast for Bernard for each time he tries to propose to Miss Bianca, or broaches the subject.

6. Drink for every scene involving Malahute’s eggs.

7. Any albatross take-off sequence, you gots to drink, fool.

8. Take a sip for any scene that features one of Marahute’s golden feathers (detached from her body).

Expert Version: Drink for every Australian stereotype.

For me, THE RESCUERS is a movie I had almost completely forgotten. I almost didn’t even think I had seen it until we popped it in over a few beers, and had that unnerving vague sense of deja vu over the entire proceedings.

http://youtu.be/My7kP35acMQ

After that brilliant opening number, “The Journey,” it was clear I had seen THE RESCUERS, perhaps on multiple occasions, but I had blacked it out for a very obvious reason.

Madame Medusa (voiced by HONDO actress Geraldine Paige):

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. My reaction was, and still is to this petrifying villain, much like Bernard’s reaction to Luke’s moonshine:

If you want nightmares, check out this spotlight on Medusa.

THE RESCUERS is dark, depressing, but thankfully ultimately uplifting. Even with a happy ending, it’s the kind of animated film that Disney would never make today. In fact, I can hardly grapple with the themes watching it at 26 years old, let alone when I was 5-6 when I likely first encountered it.

THE RESCUERS is essentially about a little orphan girl named Penny and her stuffed teddy bear enslaved by an evil Pawn Shop owner who lured her into a car and never looked back until they reached the dreary depths of the Devil’s Bayou. There, she’s guarded by two ALLIGATORS (!), one of whom can play the piano (!!), and Mr. Snoops (Joe Flynn of MCHALE’S NAVY & THE LOVE BUG), filling the Smee role aboard Medusa’s creepy boat, except far more greasy and disturbing. Madame Medusa seeks the world’s largest diamond, and for whatever reason (she’s small enough to fit in the cave), Penny can help in that quest.

Penny sends a message in a bottle, just as effective as a The Police song, which the rodent run Rescue Aid Society, located deep within the bowels of the United Nations, recovers. They respond to the plea for help immediately, sending their best two mice on the mission.

Well, one sexy mouse named Miss Bianca voiced by Eva Gabor (GIGI, MY MAN GODFREY, FANTASY ISLAND, but more importantly, ARISTOCATS) and the clumsy janitor Bernard, because one needs an adorable odd couple for a movie to succeed. There aren’t many better captured on celluloid than Miss Bianca and Bernard.

Bernard is voiced by Bob Newhart, who you shouldn’t need me to tell you is an icon of Hollywood. And starred in ELF.

From there, they ride to Penny’s rescue onboard Orville (Jim Jordan in his final role before his death), an albatross/pilot, in a presumably empty sardine can. They also must deal with the aforementioned moonshine from muskrat Luke, another example of Pat Buttram doing what he does best: playing a lazy, drunk redneck. The two fledgling lovers/mice receive help from Evinrude, a dragonfly with a mustache and uncanny strength. Needless to say, the film is incredible.

It even has an owl cameo:

Is that Archimedes? Or Owl from WINNIE THE POOH? Or any of the other incredible fictional owls in the known universe? Scholars are still trying to figure this mystery out.

It’s hard to come up with a movie where you’re rooting for the protagonists to succeed more, that’s how scary Madame Medusa is, and how unsettling Penny’s predicament is. Penny’s so frightened, meek, perpetually teary eyed, lonely, that your heart breaks every time she’s on screen.

Seriously:

Try not to cry when Miss Bianca and Bernard meet up with Rufus, a cat who grew up taking care of Penny in the orphanage:

To cope with that, we’ll follow Luke’s prescription: booze! So onto the RULES!

1. Drink any time something Miss Bianca says comes off as sexual (“Ooooh, I just love takeoffs”). Since it’s Eva Gabor, that’s almost every line, but use your judgment.

2. Every time Madame Medusa is the scariest woman you’ve ever seen, drink to forget.

3. Drink for every Orville take-off sequence. I’d waterfall for this swamp sequence (“Great balls of fire…and holy smokes!”), but that’s on you.

4. Take a sip any time Bernard is frightened/apprehensive. Double it if it’s due to his fear of the number 13, which is a thing.

5. Drink any time a character ingests Luke’s crazy strong moonshine.

6. Whenever Madame Medusa drives/commandeers a different type of vehicle, drink.

7. Any time you see the sparkling Devil’s Eye, the world’s largest diamond, drink!

8. Drink every time Penny’s life is the most depressing.

EXPERT EDITION: Drink for every different type of animal we see in the swamp. This includes the Rescuers gang upon arrival.

I’ve already delved into why A GOOFY MOVIE is one of the most important films of my childhood, and ever. So instead, I’ll talk about how I bastardized another one of my youthful favorites, when a group of friends watched the 1995 Disney classic A GOOFY MOVIE over far too many beers. This one came after FLUBBER, so we already weren’t on our right minds.

But first, a little unnecessary background. A GOOFY MOVIE was Kevin Lima’s directorial debut. He parlayed the job into three other big Disney films, including TARZAN, 102 DALMATIANS and most recently, ENCHANTED, permanently etching his name in the annals of the Disney greats. That’s definitely hyperbole, but whatever.

Bobby Brown, yes that Bobby Brown, was the original choice for Powerline, the hip young pop star that Max Goof emulates and is essentially an unholy amalgamation of Michael Jackson and Prince. Because of his drug problems, he was replaced by Tevin Campbell, whoever that is.

A GOOFY MOVIE features the last role from the late, great Pat Buttram, as the Possum Park Emcee, a small role that proved unforgettable/disturbing to me as a child. The Possum Park is wholly horrifying. Evidence:

Pat Buttram was one of the great relics from Hollywood’s golden age of Western obsession, a night permanent fixture beside Gene Autry, and appearing on the ED SULLIVAN SHOW frequently to perform stand-up. He also was on GREEN ACRES and a slew of other shows that your grandparents adored. But due to his indelible voice, he made his mark on Disney, performing in FOX AND THE HOUND, THE RESCUERS, ROBIN HOOD and THE ARISTOCATS, among others. He also had minor roles in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT and BACK TO THE FUTURE III. In other words, he’s incredible. Pat is the saloon old-timer on the right in this clip.

There’s not much else to say about Bill Farmer, the titan of voice acting, than to say no one else can voice Goofy like he can. A GOOFY MOVIE gave him the spotlight he deserved, and he didn’t disappoint. The film also has Wallace Shawn of PRINCESS BRIDE fame, Julie Brown (THE MIDDLE) and one of the original Disney Channel stars Joey Lawrence (BROTHERLY LOVE).

Finally, Roxanne is one of the sexiest Disney love interests ever, perhaps topping the list of non-princesses.

Seriously.

The film also has plenty of opportunities to drink, so have at the rules. As always, stay safe, don’t drink and drive, and don’t be an idiot.

RULES

1. Whenever Max wishes that he wasn’t with Goofy, or is horrified to become like Goofy, drink.

2. Sip whenever Pete yells at PJ.

3. Drink whenever Goofy laughs and/or falls over. Double it if he does the Goofy holler “ah-ha-ha-hueeeeyyy” noise as he falls to what would be certain death if it wasn’t a cartoon.

4. You must toast whenever Goofy says/yells/a-yuk’s “Maxie”

5. Drink for every song.

6. Waterfall while Bobby Zimmeruski eats the leaning tower of Cheeza. Drink again when you realize Bobby is voiced by PAULY SHORE.

7. Drink for every heartwarming father and son moment.

8. But also drink whenever Maxie is a complete dickhead to his dear ole Dad.

9. Drink every time Max or Goofy use the “Perfect Cast” technique.

10. Every time Roxanne or Max blush, drink.

11. Drink for every time Max accidentally unleashes an “ayuk.”

EXPERT EDITION: Call your Dad after watching A GOOFY MOVIE (whether playing this game or not). If you don’t, drink.

I do not like Angelina Jolie, but when I say she was the best part of this 97-minute Disney flick, I mean that with the utmost respect and complimentary intentions. I went into this movie really hoping that it would change my opinion about SLEEPING BEAUTY and make me love Maleficent the way everyone else seemed to. Instead, the movie made me wonder what in the hell the studio was thinking. In an effort to make the audience empathize with one of the most infamous Disney villains of all time, they changed the [Disney] story of Sleeping Beauty* altogether, and made an arguably strong female villain, into a horrible depiction of a spurned woman. Thus, the critique that follows is that of an angry feminist, because there is no other way for me to express my rage at this atrocity.

Before I start on my rant, let me a say a few brief words about the rest of the film. The SFX were acceptable. I keep reminding myself that this is a Disney movie that was designed, marketed and made for children, and that I shouldn’t be too critical of the choice of magical creatures created or how fake the CGI** was, but I can’t seem to get past it. I wanted something darker and grittier – Maleficent was a villain – but somehow the fairies and all the other “dark” creatures were just so absurdly comical and obviously fake that I don’t think I ever really fully invested in the story; my disbelief was not, and could not be, suspended.

In addition, while the majority of the writing and dialogue was average, some was absolutely horrid. There were lines (about the begging, for example. Something about, “You’re begging. I like it when you do that.” or some such silly nonsense) that made my skin crawl because they were so overwritten and utterly ridiculous (so much so that not even a child in the ideal marketing demographic would have enjoyed them). But on the other hand, there were a few really great lines too, and Jolie had some wonderful dry humor-moments. For instance when she looked down at baby Aurora and hissed and the child just giggled and cooed. Maleficent snapped back with a sharp, “I hate you.” and it was so hilarious and endearing that you almost forgave all the bad lines (of which there were quite a few).

The minimal positive qualities were really limited to one: Diaval, Maleficent’s sidekick. While he didn’t get the screen time I wished he had, nor the ending (I was totally rooting for him to be Prince Charming) his comic relief and acting as Maleficent’s good conscience was quite lovely throughout the entirety of the film.

But really, the only other good thing I have to say about this film is that Jolie did a particularly good job for what she was given to work with. She made Maleficent likeable and funny, and really made us connect with an otherwise horribly conceived character. She not only looked the part and had the calm, cool and collected attitude to really chill someone to the bone, even when she was angry and dark, Jolie was really able to get Maleficent’s vulnerability across which is something I haven’t seen her do successfully, maybe ever. (…Also, that opinion may be a little tainted because I truly can’t stand the woman.)

And now the femirant begins. The premise of this film – of Maleficent’s origin – is that she fell in love with a poor boy, and at 16 he gave her “true love’s kiss.” That boy then went to work in the castle and upon the kings’ deathbed, he decreed that the person who brought him Maleficent’s wings would be named his successor. In turn that boy, Stefan, returned to Maleficent, manipulated her, cut off her wings and then became king. Maleficent grew vengeful and hateful at the betrayal and on the day of Aurora’s introduction and celebration of birth, Maleficent cursed her that she would fall into a deep sleep on her 16^th birthday only to be awoken by true love’s kiss.

Thus, Aurora was carted off to live with the three most annoying fairies anyone could have ever designed, and Maleficent began to watch over her while she grew up. Even through her hate and rage at Stefan, she grew to love and harbor affection for the sweet natured Aurora, and when the curse fell upon her, it was Maleficent’s kiss that woke her, not Prince Phillip’s (who I’m pretty sure was one of the boys from One Direction. That hipster hair was the worst.)

In theory, this all sounds like a very touching tale of darkness and redemption, but looking at it clearly it’s a story of a woman scorned by a man whose only path back from evil was through motherly affection for a young girl. Maleficient, at the betrayal of her true love (however rightly so: this dude physically abused her and gave a whole new meaning to “domestic violence” by mutilating the poor woman) pushed her so far down the path of retribution that she would curse a baby using the same words that solidified her trust in that man to begin with.

However, after getting to know this little girl and learning to love her as a daughter, Maleficent sees the error of her ways – her maternal instinct is too strong and she tries to lift the curse (to no avail because evil Maleficent was apparently more cunning than good Maleficent). In fact, Maleficent’s love apparently grows so strong that it becomes “true love” and she is the one to break her own curse, waking Aurora from her sleep.

It could be argued that it wasn’t about a spiteful woman enacting revenge, but about love between women, and I would be more than willing to accept that… Had the message that maternal instinct is what saves women from a path of evil not been so apparent. A man hurts her, and the only way for her to get back on track to being a “hero” and beloved by all the magical creatures is by being a mother to a girl – that was not unlike herself when she was a child. Disney tried so badly to make Maleficent into an empathetic character that in twisting her story of descent into something that could be restored in the end, they [un]intentionally sent a horrible message about women.

While I do believe that the story was written this way to ensure a family-friendly atmosphere (true love is always good for that), there must have been a better alternative. What if Stefan had been her brother and traded her in for the human world? Or what if she had traded him in for the magical one? What if it wasn’t Stefan at all, but the nameless and absent queen? What if they were sisters – or best friends – and one betrayed the other? Disney had to make Maleficent’s actions worthy of the crime, and moreover, the crime worthy of the reaction, but the way in they mapped out her story to be recouped in the end was all wrong. The man-hate-only-forgivable-by-maternal-sentiment was the weakest link in the entire film, which was not very strong to begin with.

Unfortunately for Disney, their first live-action Villain story left so much to be desired, that one can only hope they will learn their lesson if they ever decided to reinvent Ursula, Jafar or The Evil Queen and give them more substance than merely wicked, gender-specific trials and tribulations.

*In the original story of Sleeping Beauty, Aurora was cursed for 100 years and in that century her “Prince Charming” found her, raped her, and in her sleep she gave birth to twins. Only after all that horror did she wake up.

**The CGI wasn’t great, but the dragon was awesome. Then you stop and realize that Maleficent wasn’t the one to turn into the dragon in this version, and it’s suddenly less awesome.

The following list is based off my own discretion. Those I thought were interesting, those I liked, those I disliked. I got all the “major” villains, a few “minor” villains, and left out the more obscure villains (Shere Khan and Madam Mim? No one remembers them! But I do adore THE SWORD IN THE STONE. JUNGLEBOOK…not so much.)

L-to-R: Dr. Facilier, Ursula, Maleficient, The Evil Queen, Claude Frollo

With no further ado, here we go.

18. LADY TREMAINE (CINDERELLA)

As far as villains go, Lady T. was pretty weak. She had no real substance other than hating Cinderella, and while her daughters were a laugh and who didn’t love Lucifer, she was neither frightening nor interesting to watch. If we’re being honest, the scariest part about her was her hair.

17. THE EVIL QUEEN (SNOW WHITE)

The only reason she isn’t ranked last is because she absolutely terrified me as a child. I think I’ve watched SNOW WHITE a total of one time in my life because The Evil Queen’s old hag gave me nightmares for what seems like years. On how evil she is, there are quite a few vain villains on this list, and she is just another face in the crowd. Albeit, a goddamn scary one.

16. MALEFICENT (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Mallie-poo could turn into a dragon, and that’s pretty badass. Was she especially interesting? Nah, not really. I haven’t seen SLEEPING BEAUTY in ages, but I don’t recall there being any particular reason for Maleficent cursing baby Aurora. While the upcoming live-action MALEFICENT may serve to bump her up this list, as it stands now she was more “awesome-dragon-lady” than “run-for-the-hills-lady.” (Footnote: All the Disney posts of this week were originally conceived in honor of MALEFICENT’s premiere today, May 30, 2014. Cheers to a new generation of Fairy Tales, both Villains and Princesses alike!)

15. YZMA (THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE)

Yzma was hilarious. Everything about that skeleton-looking witch with absurd eye-lashes was hilarious, especially when she was turned into a cat. Villain-wise, she wasn’t nearly as evil as some of the other folks on here, but comedy-wise she was a hoot.

14. GASTON (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

Gaston was one cocky SOB. From the second he comes on-screen, you can’t help but want to punch him in his overly-chiseled jaw. He’s rude, crass, and way too narcissistic for someone who isn’t even all that sexy. If it came down it, I’d have taken Scar (a goddamn lion) over that fool, any day.

13. CAPTAIN HOOK (PETER PAN)

The Cap’n was awesome. Twisted, demented, in desperate need of some life-long therapy, yes, but awesome nonetheless. One handed and still able to capture a fairy? And – bonus – a rightful fear of crocs, ‘cause them is scary mofo’s. And one really must appreciate the irony of a man being so terrified of a clock on an island where time stands still. Therapy for days.

12. GOVERNOR RADCLIFFE (POCAHONTAS)

Governor Asshat is so high on this list because he shot John Smith. …And, you know, the general racism of wanting to exterminate (insert Dalek-icon here) an entire race of people. Should probably mention that too.

11. JAFAR (ALADDIN)

Every time I think of Jafar, I get two immediate thoughts: 1) Jasmine in that little red number, and 2) Jafar’s voice echoing in my head, “A snake, am I? Perhaps you’d like to see how snake like I can be!” and I get goosebumps. While a horrible racial depiction of brown-folks, Jafar was easily one of the most traumatizing villains Disney ever produced. He tuned Rajah into a little kitty (WHICH WAS ADORABLE), turned Abu into a tiny toy, locked Jasmine in an hourglass after making her his sex-slave, and allowed Iago to be fed those disgusting crackers.

10. DR. FACILIER (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

In terms of badness, the good Doctor could definitely have been worse (Frogs are pretty weak. They weren’t even poisonous frogs!) But in terms of creep factor, The Shadow Man could give even Jafar a run for his money. Sadistic, manipulative, horribly frightening, Keith David once again found a way to chill us to our core bringing to life the epitome of rotten, bottom-feeding scumbags.

9. HADES (HERCULES)

Hilarious. Flamboyant. Pretty cool blue-flame-hair. Comedic timing anyone would kill for… Hades was a pretty good character, and even better villain. Would you make our hero Hercules surrender himself to the river Styx to save Megara? Watching the love of your life’s soul be devoured by the infamous mythological river (which was inaccurately portrayed like the entire rest of the movie) would have made anyone crazy, and Hades was a genius for subjecting Hercules to it. Cruel, but genius.

8. GOTHEL (TANGLED)

What a B. She was even more self-obsessed than Gaston, with even less inhibition. Crazy-G was ready to let a man die to keep her kidnapped daughter locked in a tower against her will, so that she could stay young forever. On further examination, it’s doctor recommended she be locked in a psych ward with mandatory daily shrink sessions to deal with her serious control issues. And preferably with a boat-load of tranquilizers.

7. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS (ALICE IN WONDERLAND)

Not much really needs to be said about The Queen. She was cuh-razy. A demented, probably bipolar female, with a penchant for beheading when she gets a bit testy? I’d pay to see this wacko go up against Cersei, and am honestly unsure if I’d be Team Lannister or Team Psychopath.

6. CRUELLA DE VIL (101 DALMATIONS)

Speaking of the crazies, this lady was maniacal and wanted to murder a bunch of a puppies. And really, girl? That hair? No words, Cruey. No words.

5. URSULA (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

Ursula was baller. I don’t just say that because THE LITTLE MERMAID is my favorite Disney film, I say that because Ursula was baller. In a world of pretty mermaids and talking fish, she was a goddamn cecaelia. She was crude and vulgar, with such a manipulative disposition it made your skin crawl. She tells Ariel that Eric won’t give a damn what she says, as long as she looks the part, and encourages her to use her body to get what she wants. And when Ariel almost succeeds, she transforms herself into a sexy little vixen and uses freaking mind-control to get Eric away from her. If that’s not an unhinged, rabid crone, nothing is.

4. SCAR (THE LION KING)

Y’all didn’t think I’d forget Scar, did you? That’s cute. Scar killed Mufasa, left baby Simba fatherless, and then made Simba think it was all his fault. And the award for worst family member ever goes to…

3. HANS (FROZEN)

[Insert all the curse words ever here.]

Hans.

[Insert all the curse words ever in EVERY OTHER LANGUAGE EVER here.]

2. SHAN YU (MULAN)

Murdered hundreds. Had a really cool birdy, but he murdered hundreds. The words, “Besides, the little girl will be missing her doll.” will run circles around my nightmares for, probably, the rest of my life… I mean, the dude POPPED OUTA THE SNOW. LIKE A DAISY. He was everything you would ever want in a villain, and then a lot more you wouldn’t.

1. CLAUDE FROLLO (THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)

I feel as if Frollo gets left off these lists, or shoved to the very bottom, way too often. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME is usually forgotten altogether; no princes or princesses, an ugly main character, a couple of average songs at best (which isn’t actually true – the soundtrack’s quite beautiful – but is, again, forgotten) and an ehh-he’s-OK villain. Except he’s not ehh, nor just “OK.” Claude Frollo was possibly the most despicable, disgusting, inhuman, wretched monster that Disney ever gave us. A “justice deacon” who was anything but just, he was not only a racist, callous and barbaric character that lacked any redeeming qualities, he called for a genocide of the entire Parisian gypsy population. He thought gypsies were sinful animals, unclean and impure, yet that still didn’t stop him from being so sexually attracted to Esmeralda that he gave her a choice to either love him or die. A blatant misogynist, Frollo condemned Esmeralda as a prostitute and heathen when she rejected him, citing that he was coerced by demons into being attracted to her. That, on top of his shunning of the disfigured Quasimodo, locking the poor soul in the tower and forbidding him to ever see the light of day, easily puts the foul and abhorrent Claude Frollo at the top of the list.

It’s always a challenge to rank characters; most, if not all, have qualities to both admire and despise, but in this particular case, there is no competition – the throne is rightly thrown (sharp end first please, and see what I did there?) at the heinous and vile Frollo, while the rest can chill and have a drink that while they while they may not be seated on Disney’s Iron Throne, they sure won’t be poisoned in an act of sweet retribution, either.

Clockwise, TOP L-to-R: Maleficent, Cruella de Vil, Scar, The Evil Queen, Hades, Ursula, Hook, Jafar

Fan-made and AWESOME.

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME. It seems a little off-beat and strange to think that Joss could direct something as dark and damaging as THOND (don’t make me type it out again, please.) But looking at his previous bodies of work, it actually seems quite fitting. He not only could produce a visually stunning piece of art, but he could really root us inside the story of a disfigured boy who’s trapped and condemned by a vicious judge in the mid-19^th century. What’s more, if told through Frollo’s point of view, I fully believe that Joss has the ability, skill, and drive to provide us with a character so complex and detailed that we would have no choice but to empathize with the man instead of the monster.

I just realized that SKY HIGH and STAR TREK were both filmed at Cal State Northridge’s Oviatt Library. So weird to see your school on the big screen.

SKY HIGH. A little known movie (that was supposed to have 3 sequels that were cancelled due to its unfortunate flop) that carts us around a world where superheroes exist, and teen “supers” go to a high school for superheroes. IN THE SKY. Awesome, awesome concept and with a little touch of Buffy-meets-THE AVENGERS magic, Joss Whedon could have made it an awesome, awesome film.

The ultimate weapon against vampires.

PINOCCHIO. The horror version. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS was Joss’s first feature length horror movie (though Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s S04E10 “Hush” still takes the cake for me) that combined all the elements of story-telling that has made him so popular: fantastical demons, technology you hope never comes to light, and such witty characters you wish he wrote your daily life. Now, imagine Joss Whedon’s horror version of PINOCCHIO. A wooden boy who terrorizes his “father” Geppetto and a small town (or big city?), until he’s finally murdered horribly at the end of the film. (Or not, you never really know with Joss.)

INSPECTOR GADGET. Joss has shown us his love of technological enhancements throughout pretty much all of his works (a few excluded), so it seems only natural that he should want to remake INSPECTOR GADGET. I’d kill for Film Noir Inspector Gadget (and knowing him, genderbent too).

THE SKELETON DANCE was an animated short from the 1920’s where skeletons danced and sang around a graveyard. Imagine THE SKELETON DANCE made in the same vein as DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG. Comedic, sweet, clever, and Nathan Fillion.

Jen and Sylvia Soska recreating The Shining’s iconic twinzies.

THE PARENT TRAP. Our top three beloved Scoobie’s all met their doppelganger at some point during Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s seven season run. Willow met her evil, alternate-universe vampire-Willow (S03E09 “The Wish” & S03E16 “Doppelgangland”), Xander met his twin when he was split in two in S05E03 “The Replacement, and even Buffy herself had a twin in the form of BuffyBot (though, a sexbot isn’t quite what I had in mind for THE PARENT TRAP.) Imagine Joss Whedon’s adorable long-lost-twins coming together in order to trap (and kill) their parents as a sacrifice to some ancient God, or whatever other reason you might want to come up with that doesn’t piggyback off CABIN IN THE WOODS. Point is: He would make those of us who don’t have an evil twin very thankful for it, and those of us do, really pissed.

TARZAN. So this one’s a tad odd to be sure. But imagine: live action Tarzan, raised savagely by apes. In the spirit of the original 1918 story, he attacks a village that has settled in the area in revenge (they killed his mama ape) becomes known as “an evil spirit,” and is then hunted by the remaining settlers. How and if Joss chooses to bring in Jane Porter is a question for debate: is this a love story, or a story about our misunderstood hero? At the end of the original tale, Tarzan doesn’t get a happy ending – Jane ends up with another man – and we all know how Joss loves to kill our dreams (read: Firefly) so that part we’ll just leave open ended and always wonder how he might have managed to wrap up Tarzan’s heartbreaking story.

Concept art by Tae Young in Choi, Korea.

ATLANTIS. I’m not really sure this even requires an explanation. Anyone who wouldn’t want to see Joss Whedon’s take on ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE should die by machete (he provided the story for the animated feature). A mysterious culture that’s been lost undersea for ten thousand years, whose survival is powered by a magical force and protected by a warrior princess? Still not sure why this hasn’t already been made.

Joss will be busy filming and finishing AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON for the next year or so, but you can find me sitting in a dark corner of my apartment brooding and blubbering and waiting for the day that he brings my hopes and dreams to life (hopefully not to kill them off or mutilate them horribly) by remaking a Disney film. And really, at this point, any one of them will do. Ancient Gods, please don’t let my Whedon/Disney ship sink, but oh god please do find a new ship name, because Wheney and Jisney are not good.