Like many other things in my life, this post revolves around the genius that is Joss Whedon. While concocting a couple of Disney rankings (all these Disney postings are in honor of MALEFICIENT which is opening Friday!) I came across a badass fan-made poster for a movie that needs to be made (but unfortunately isn’t): a live-action version of THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME with the good Sir Ian McKellen torturing the audiences’ souls as Judge Claude Frollo. After my initial shock of WHY HASN’T THIS BEEN MADE OMG PLZ&THX, I started wondering who I’d want to see make it. To which my answer (as usual) was Joss Whedon. Here are a few Disney films that should be remade and directed by my hubby, Joss.
THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME. It seems a little off-beat and strange to think that Joss could direct something as dark and damaging as THOND (don’t make me type it out again, please.) But looking at his previous bodies of work, it actually seems quite fitting. He not only could produce a visually stunning piece of art, but he could really root us inside the story of a disfigured boy who’s trapped and condemned by a vicious judge in the mid-19th century. What’s more, if told through Frollo’s point of view, I fully believe that Joss has the ability, skill, and drive to provide us with a character so complex and detailed that we would have no choice but to empathize with the man instead of the monster.
SKY HIGH. A little known movie (that was supposed to have 3 sequels that were cancelled due to its unfortunate flop) that carts us around a world where superheroes exist, and teen “supers” go to a high school for superheroes. IN THE SKY. Awesome, awesome concept and with a little touch of Buffy-meets-THE AVENGERS magic, Joss Whedon could have made it an awesome, awesome film.
PINOCCHIO. The horror version. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS was Joss’s first feature length horror movie (though Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s S04E10 “Hush” still takes the cake for me) that combined all the elements of story-telling that has made him so popular: fantastical demons, technology you hope never comes to light, and such witty characters you wish he wrote your daily life. Now, imagine Joss Whedon’s horror version of PINOCCHIO. A wooden boy who terrorizes his “father” Geppetto and a small town (or big city?), until he’s finally murdered horribly at the end of the film. (Or not, you never really know with Joss.)
INSPECTOR GADGET. Joss has shown us his love of technological enhancements throughout pretty much all of his works (a few excluded), so it seems only natural that he should want to remake INSPECTOR GADGET. I’d kill for Film Noir Inspector Gadget (and knowing him, genderbent too).
THE SKELETON DANCE was an animated short from the 1920’s where skeletons danced and sang around a graveyard. Imagine THE SKELETON DANCE made in the same vein as DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG. Comedic, sweet, clever, and Nathan Fillion.
THE PARENT TRAP. Our top three beloved Scoobie’s all met their doppelganger at some point during Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s seven season run. Willow met her evil, alternate-universe vampire-Willow (S03E09 “The Wish” & S03E16 “Doppelgangland”), Xander met his twin when he was split in two in S05E03 “The Replacement, and even Buffy herself had a twin in the form of BuffyBot (though, a sexbot isn’t quite what I had in mind for THE PARENT TRAP.) Imagine Joss Whedon’s adorable long-lost-twins coming together in order to trap (and kill) their parents as a sacrifice to some ancient God, or whatever other reason you might want to come up with that doesn’t piggyback off CABIN IN THE WOODS. Point is: He would make those of us who don’t have an evil twin very thankful for it, and those of us do, really pissed.
TARZAN. So this one’s a tad odd to be sure. But imagine: live action Tarzan, raised savagely by apes. In the spirit of the original 1918 story, he attacks a village that has settled in the area in revenge (they killed his mama ape) becomes known as “an evil spirit,” and is then hunted by the remaining settlers. How and if Joss chooses to bring in Jane Porter is a question for debate: is this a love story, or a story about our misunderstood hero? At the end of the original tale, Tarzan doesn’t get a happy ending – Jane ends up with another man – and we all know how Joss loves to kill our dreams (read: Firefly) so that part we’ll just leave open ended and always wonder how he might have managed to wrap up Tarzan’s heartbreaking story.
ATLANTIS. I’m not really sure this even requires an explanation. Anyone who wouldn’t want to see Joss Whedon’s take on ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE should die by machete (he provided the story for the animated feature). A mysterious culture that’s been lost undersea for ten thousand years, whose survival is powered by a magical force and protected by a warrior princess? Still not sure why this hasn’t already been made.
Joss will be busy filming and finishing AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON for the next year or so, but you can find me sitting in a dark corner of my apartment brooding and blubbering and waiting for the day that he brings my hopes and dreams to life (hopefully not to kill them off or mutilate them horribly) by remaking a Disney film. And really, at this point, any one of them will do. Ancient Gods, please don’t let my Whedon/Disney ship sink, but oh god please do find a new ship name, because Wheney and Jisney are not good.