After three years and four movies, Avengers: Age of Ultron has arrived. I’ll admit, going in, I was nervous for the film, forever worried that Marvel Studios’ bubble might pop. It certainly stretches the seams here, but rest assured, Marvel’s insane streak continues, thanks in large part to Joss Whedon.

Avengers 2 isn’t as good as Captain America: The Winter Soldier or Guardians of the Galaxy, and probably not the first Avengers, but I don’t know if that was possible, given the nearly impossible juggling act that Joss Whedon has to perform here. He has to tease Civil War, Black Panther (Andy Serkis’ brief turn as Ulysses Klaw has me so stoked), Thor 3 and Guardians of the Galaxy 2, while introducing four hugely important new characters (Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, Ultron and Vision), and maintaining the MacGuffin-laced narrative string of Thanos and Infinity Gems. Plus, you know, he has to segue into the next two Avengers movies. It’s exhausting just thinking about, but for a moment, let’s focus on the present, a rarity when it comes to the MCU, which is always about what’s next.

Age of Ultron thrusts us into the action immediately, because Whedon, Feige and company can’t afford to waste any time, and besides, we know these guys now. Thanks to a jumbled concoction of Loki’s scepter, Hydra intelligence and Tony Stark’s personal computer system Jarvis (Paul Bettany), Stark creates Ultron (James Spader), envisioned as an AI based world-peacekeeping computer, one that could function as an armor over the whole planet, an initiative that would render the Avengers moot. Of course, Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) envisioned a rosy retirement sipping Mai Tai’s in Tahiti (okay, maybe not Tahiti) with Pepper Potts: his creation sees the Avengers…and humanity, as obstacles preventing peace and progress.

From there, a lot of shit explodes in a dizzying action ensemble with a scale of astronomical proportions. The film is bloated, and likely at least slightly confusing to someone who doesn’t follow Marvel tidbits like James Woods and candy. But somehow, someway, it works. In fact, it more than works: Avengers is Summer Movie Action Tentpole on Steroids, yet thanks in large part to Joss Whedon’s heart and wit, the over-stuffed sequel retains intelligence and blessed self-awareness, while remaining a helluva lot of fun.

For an innumerable number of reasons, Joss Whedon was always perfect for the Avengers: there’s not a director more capable with ensembles, thanks to his experience with Firefly, Buffy and Angel. And again, somehow Avengers 2 gives every member of the team and its ballooning supporting cast a chance to shine. The first Avengers was Iron Man’s movie: the emotional through-line traveled through the conflicted and difficult billionaire playboy philanthropist. But the Hulk was the scene stealer, the crowd favorite. In Avengers 2, I suspect, both honors come from an unlikely hero: Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye, the oft-forgotten archer and every-man member of the team, the powerless one who probably gets picked last at Avengers dodgeball games. When you think about Whedon’s work, the focus makes perfect sense. In many ways, this is the colossal scale version of Buffy‘s “The Zeppo,” with Hawkeye playing the part of Xander, a normal family man who’s so clearly the glue that holds this team together, a thankless (and dangerous) role. Hawkeye’s journey and transition in this film mirrors that of Joss Whedon’s; he surely identifies with the un-invincible, un-enhanced man in a sea of power. Why Avengers 2 works so well is because it still feels like Whedon is a kid in his bedroom playing with his favorite toys.

Perhaps because of that, there’s a lot of fan-service in this film, much of it glorious (you can almost convince me that the Hulk and Iron Man fight was important to the narrative).

But what of the new arrivals? James Spader’s Ultron is wonderful, a sarcastic and devastatingly cruel robot, easily the third best villain in the MCU after Loki and Kingpin. Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s Quicksilver and Elizabeth Olsen’s Scarlet Witch will likely prove more divisive. It’s impossible not to compare Quicksilver’s, with Evan Peters’ Pietro surprisingly stealing the show in X-Men: Days of Future Past, and for the most part, this Quicksilver unfairly unable to match his scene-stealing exploits. I think Bryan Singer’s choice certainly blunted his impact here, which is a shame, and shaped Marvel’s treatment of the character. In the comics, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff’s identity and character, are inextricably linked with their villinous father Magneto. Stripping that away robs the character’s of some depth, and their new origins feel band-aided on. Plus, it took awhile for me to get used to their put-upon Eastern European accents. It makes sense, especially with where they come from in Age of Ultron, but it’s certainly not how I imagine them sounding in my head when I read the comics, which of course, is an impossible standard to set. That said, Elizabeth Olsen in particular show exceptional promise and has me excited for what’s to come.

Then there’s Paul Bettany’s Vision, and without ruining anything, I will just say this: he’s perfect. He’s beautifully rendered, like some holy blend of CGI and practical effects from the future that comes to make everybody else look bad. In effect, that’s also what he does in Avengers, and it’s wonderful.

So are many things in this film: the various methods of teamwork in action sequences that are just clever and unabashedly cool. The relationship between Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) and Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Everything Thor (Chris Hemsworth) says. The gentle ribbing of Captain America (Chris Evans). The hilarious and so so necessary downtime that Whedon interweaves among all the wackadoodle fighting. In fact, the best parts of these movies will always be when we see these larger than life heroes as just normal people, a lesson WB and DC could learn from. The stakes are serious but the whole movie doesn’t have to be. As long as Marvel retains the heart and wit that Joss Whedon has caked inside Iron Man’s armor, Bruce Banner’s purple shorts and Thor’s flowing cloak, these movies will continue to work, even if it sometimes feels like an exhausting, never-ending trek to nowhere, an infinite Easter Egg hunt across the increasingly populated cosmos. Well, okay, that does sound sorta awesome.

But it’s fair to be worried about the future.

Despite creating a Big Bad that kills thousands of people, Tony Stark never truly gets the comeuppance he deserves for creating Ultron in this movie, and that’s a fault of the proceedings, even if we’re saving it for Civil War (talk about a movie I’m nervous for).

If Avengers: Age of Ultron is busy, how in the hell will Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 & 2 not be a disastrous clusterfuck? The Russo Brothers are the best replacement Feige could possibly find for Whedon, thanks to their exceptional work on Captain America: The Winter Soldier and their ensemble work with Arrested Development and Community (though this is a whole new ballgame). But one gets the sense that Whedon was the only one with the power, chutzpah, support and creative Vision to counterbalance Kevin Feige, who deserves enormous credit for what he’s done in creating this interconnected universe, but like Ultron himself, still seems hell-bent on world domination with what feels like a Reaganomics-like approach.

But for once when it comes to Marvel movies, let’s not focus on that next piece of candy (which is the seemingly out-of-place and pointless Ant-Man), but revel in the present. Avengers: Age of Ultron is a movie that shouldn’t work, and one that comic fans never would’ve thought possible, but thanks to an unparalleled cast and creative team (seriously, just bathe in those ending credits; they’ll never be this good again), it makes us all feel like kids playing with their favorite toys.

Dibs on Vision!

Our Daredevil Week countdown has arrived at its destination, with Marvel’s new Daredevil series now available to stream on Netflix. I’ve been avoiding most reviews for fear of spoilers (I wonder if Matt goes blind!), but the snippets I’ve seen have been quite positive so far. I’ll begin my binge-watching of the show tonight and post some thoughts whenever I finish up. Andy’s binge-watching (and reading!) has already begun, so follow along with him.

But wait! Before you start enjoying this exciting new retelling of a great hero, you owe it to yourself to relive the first live-action Daredevil so you can appreciate this new version even more. And no, I don’t mean the DD from Angela Bowie’s attempt at making a Black Widow show in the late 1970s.

Although wow, see how much worse things could be? Maybe Ben Affleck doesn’t look so bad now, huh?!

So let’s get to it. Released in 2003, Daredevil starred Affleck as DD, Jennifer Garner as Elektra, Colin Farrell as Bullseye, Michael Clarke Duncan as Kingpin, and Jon Favreau as Foggy. It was directed and co-written by Mark Steven Johnson, who would also go on to direct Ghost Rider and write and produce Elektra. Related: Johnson’s batting average on superhero movies isn’t great. Or in non-superhero movies, unless you’re a fan of Jack Frost, WHICH I AM.

Daredevil actually brought in a solid box office for the time, though it was a critical failure that’s only grown in mockery in the years since, and not without reason. There’s a lot (SO MUCH) to make fun of here, so I won’t go through everything. Instead, let me just insert a recap by much funnier people:

So to rewatch this movie, I opted for the Director’s Cut, which I’d never tried but had seen reviews claiming it was so far superior as to save the movie, even make it great.

No. No it does not. It’s better, sure, but not much better. It tries to be a little darker, showing Matt being haunted by a woman he can’t save. It retools the Elektra romance a little so that they don’t actually sleep together, which avoids having the hero ignore someone in help to bang his girlfriend but does cause the recall of the “Stay with me” line to lose its potency later. Karen Page, cut from the theatrical release, has a couple brief scenes in this cut, played by future Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo. The biggest change is that the Director’s Cut also adds back in an entire fairly lengthy subplot that shows more of Matt being a lawyer (though Foggy still does most of the work, and both seem pretty bad at it).

Which brings me to the best part of this version, the client that Matt and Foggy represent in this subplot: motherfucking COOLIO.

That’s right, we get COOLIO in the Director’s Cut! I don’t know exactly when the cutoff was for how long Coolio was relevant, but apparently it was at least until 2003. Was life better when we still gave Coolio his rightful importance? Was the air fresher because of it? Were the songs of birds all the sweeter? Did the sun shine brighter, upon greener grass and purer water? Were we ever so young?

Anyway, the narrative that the studio messed things up for Johnson is a tempting one; certainly, the idea of studio execs ruining a creator’s vision is a familiar enough one that it makes sense to wonder about when things go wrong. But I have a hard time giving Johnson any real pass here. His direction is still filled with silly zoom cuts, horrible CGI in that awful church fight scene, and numerous questionable stylistic choices.

Despite it all, there was a good movie somewhere in Daredevil that never got to come out. The movie had numerous nods to comic book history, and seemed to care about his nerdy origins, inserting the names of comic book writers and artists into dialogue (and giving superfan and former DD writer Kevin Smith a cameo). The plot is largely an adaptation of Frank Miller’s work, even copying a crucial moment verbatim, including dialogue. The casting was mostly wonderful. Affleck was wooden at times, but I’m not sure it was entirely his fault, as his material mostly called for quiet brooding. Likewise with Garner, she never got much chance to do anything beyond look hot (success!) and fight. Joe Pantoliono made Ben Urich fun, albeit far feistier than the comic book Ben.

But I especially want to talk about the two best casting choices, and the worst acting performance. The best was Jon Favreau as Foggy, who worked perfectly as plucky comic relief. A close second was the late Michael Clarke Duncan’s Kingpin. I’m definitely excited to see Vincent D’Onofrio’s version of Kingpin in the new show, and I’m certain that it will be a more well-developed and nuanced villain. But no one will ever look the part of Kingpin more than Duncan did. D’Onofrio is only listed as being an inch shorter than Duncan was, and he’s put on weight for the role. But it’s hard to overstate how huge Duncan looked as Kingpin, not just with an appropriately large belly but also massive, massive arms. Looks might not be everything, but they do matter for Kingpin; he’s a character who exudes power — professionally, criminally, and physically.

On the other end of the spectrum is Colin Farrell’s Bullseye. I’ve come to realize Farrell is a pretty wonderful actor, but I hated him for about seven years or so after this movie because of how ridiculous he was in it. In retrospect, he was probably just playing Bullseye the way he was asked to, which places blame back on Johnson and/or the studio. They designed a Bullseye who was supposed to look modern and badass, but comes across as laughable and douchey. Then they largely punted on the calm menacing that made comic book Bullseye so threatening, opting instead for raving loon.

The movie ended up being a mess. It had a lot of good ideas that were terribly executed, some bad dialogue, and characters that aren’t given enough chance to resonate. That’s all true regardless of which version you watch.

But at least the Director’s Cut also had Coolio.

Top that, Netflix!

The movie: The Return of the Swamp Thing (1989)

Impression Going In: I had never seen it. I watched the first Swamp Thing movie from 1982 and described it as neither good nor bad, “just sort of there.” I pretty much expected more of the same.

Impression After Watching: Have you ever driven somewhere and upon arriving, realize you don’t really even remember the drive? You know nothing bad happened, but the entire experience must have been pretty forgettable. Yeah, that’s The Return of The Swamp Thing, only this movie at least has prime years Heather Locklear.

The poster for the movie features the tagline, “America’a favorite super hero is back in action!” Which is a pretty damn optimistic claim, considering this sequel came seven years after a financially unsuccessful original. In between films, Swamp Thing became a much bigger deal in the DC Comics world, thanks to the classic run by Alan Moore, but I still imagine most moviegoers had no idea what the fuck a Swamp Thing was.

Return is an odd combination of sequel and reboot. It returns Dick Durock as Swamp Thing and Louis Jordan as the villain Arcane, but it also undoes many of the developments from the original. Arcane mutated into a monster himself at the end of the original, but is back to a human here with no real explanation that I noticed. Adrienne Barbeau is replaced by Locklear as the new love interest. Other than Swamp Thing’s origin and Arcane being a bad guy, nothing from the first film is really referenced.

Arcane stays human the whole way this time. He’s assisted in his villainy by a random swamp monster who Swamp Thing fights a couple times and defeats; by his scientist girlfriend Lana, played by Superman II baddie Sarah Douglas; and by two dumbass henchmen, the piratey Gunn (Joey Sagal) and the sultry Miss Poinsetta (adult film star Monique Gabrielle).

There’s also one other villain, by far the most hate-worthy character in the movie. Technically, he’s not a villain at all in the script, but rather an innocent child shoehorned into the plot for no discernible reason. But he’s annoying as fuck, with the voice of frog and an Auburn t-shirt (an automatic sign of douchiness). The movie’s biggest crime is that this kid doesn’t get killed.

Heather Locklear looks predictably gorgeous throughout the movie, but her romance with Swamp Thing is awkward and lifeless. At one point, the film halfheartedly tries to recreate a famous psychedelic love scene by Alan Moore, and the results are … weird.

The film has an odd climactic showdown with little actual violence. The movie as a whole is relatively light on action, and tries for a far lighter tone than Wes Craven’s original. Even so, I admittedly got goosebumps at the faithful recreation of one of the most famous images in Swamp Thing history:

Followed promptly by killing those goosebumps the same nonsensical deus ex machina healing powers of the first movie’s ending.

And thus endeth the forays of Swamp Thing into the world of film. Just don’t ask me any details about that journey, because it was too boring to recall.

–

NEXT TIME: The Punisher (1989)

The movie: Batman (1989)

Impression Going In: Varied. This movie was actually exactly the reason I wanted to do this project in chronological order. I adored this movie as a kid, then went years without seeing it. I caught part of it sometime after The Dark Knight came out and didn’t think it held up as well. I still hadn’t seen it all the way through in probably more than 10 years.

Impression After Watching: I love this movie again. Honestly, watching it again in this way, after forcing myself to see and appreciate everything that came before it, has validated this entire project for me. All the bad Superman sequels and Toxic Avengers were just scene setters to realize how much unbridled joy this Bat-reboot really provided.

It’s not that all the previous films on the list were bad. I still love the first Superman. The 1966 Batman: The Movie was a hilarious tie-in to the TV show that celebrated an obviously very different Bat-era. Some other movies were enjoyable despite various flaws. But none have had the revolutionary weight of Batman.

If you watch this Tim Burton/Michael Keaton version of Batman after the Christopher Nolan/Christian Bale takes, it might not seem very dark by comparison. But compared to everything that came before it, or even the Joel Schumaker Bat-films that followed it, it was practically pitch black levels of darkness. Keep in mind that the only live-action version of the character we’d seen before was Adam West, who fought sharks with shark-repellent spray. And West was awesome for doing so, but in the comics, the character had long since changed from that campy take; coming out in 1989, Batman capped a decade that saw some of the character’s still-greatest comic book stories ever, like The Dark Knight Returns and The Killing Joke. Now, audiences got to see that evolution for the first time on the big screen. The first criminal Batman faces begs for his life as Batman holds him off the side of a building. I watched the scene where Jack Napier falls into the acid to become the Joker five times, and I’m still not sure whether Batman dropped him intentionally. (I don’t think so, but when the Joker accuses him of dropping him late in the film, Batman certainly doesn’t deny it.) The city even looks dark, with Burton’s Gotham City looking large but appropriately bleak, making it an imposing figure in the story with most of the film taking place at night.

But before I go any further, just one quick aside:

If you don’t why the above photo is bullshit, I encourage you to educate yourself on what a total asshole Bob Kane was, and how Bill Finger really gave us Batman and got screwed from ever getting credit.

Then fast-forward back to 1989, and Michael Keaton gave us Batman again. The choice was widely hated by fans at the time, as Keaton was known mostly for his comedic roles. But he plays the role with a sort of haunted genius, less overt in tortured psyche than Bale later would be, but all the more mysterious and smooth from his subtlety. The film isn’t a true origin story, but instead begins with an established Batman and gives only the barest flashback to the most necessary moment in his past. (It’s how I’d like to see almost all superhero movies operate, as I’ve gotten tired of belabored origin stories.) And he’s a pretty damn good action hero; having seen much of Keaton’s pre-1989 filmography, I can at least understand the surprise that he could play cool and intimidating badass so well.

Keaton’s Bat-suit had an iconic look, and while the sculpted-on abs do look a little silly in still photos, I barely even noticed them during scenes. Even the hilariously impractical fact that the suit didn’t allow Keaton to turn his head didn’t really bother me. It just looked cool. So did his Batmobile (complete with front-end nipple!) and Batplane. Batman was a darker take on the character, but one of the film’s best qualities was that it still embraced the idea that a Batman movie should be fun and cool. Walking that line of trying to be both edgy and wish-fulfilling isn’t easy, but Burton did it well.

Kim Bassinger was a last-minute replacement for the role of Vicki Vale, a photojournalist who unfortunately got written to have only half of a personality. The romantic subplot between her and Bruce was never more than just ok, other than giving Alfred (Michael Gough, who would keep the role in all four pre-Nolan films) his best moments in worrying over Bruce. The best supporting character was probably Robert Wuhl as wise-cracking and charming reporter Alexander Knox.

There was also the small role given to Harvey Dent, played by Billy Dee Williams. Burton cast Williams in the hopes of someday using him as Two-Face, which obviously never happened. But somewhere in the multiverse, there’s an alternate reality where a Billy Dee Two-Face movie actually happened, and I wish I could visit that place.

But it was the villain we did get who really makes the movie work. As important as Keaton’s screen presence and Burton’s strong worldview were, Batman couldn’t have elevated to the next level without the Joker being a transcendent villain. And that transcendence is just what we got from Jack Nicholson.

Our natural inclination is to compare different iterations of the same character, and it’s particularly hard to not do so here, considering Heath Ledger later won a (posthumous) Oscar for reinventing the Joker. At the end of the day, yes, Ledger’s overall performance was more powerful, but don’t let that take away from how absolutely brilliant Nicholson was in the role. Where Ledger’s Joker is more mangy and chaotic, Nicholson plays the role with more controlled villainy. Ledger’s Joker has no origin, and the vision of him as a force of nature with no set beginning or end date is certainly appealing. But Batman showed and remade the Joker’s origins, and in doing so, gave Nicholson one big advantage: we actually get to see him go from criminal to freak, and it rocks. This scene below, where he sees himself as the Joker for the first time, is my favorite in the film.

Nicholson brings such wonderful insanity to the part. (As an aside, the soundtrack of Prince songs pairs shockingly well with Nicholson’s mania in the role.) At one point, Joker tells Vicki, “I am the world’s first fully functioning homicidal artist.” And that’s how he proceeds, and what makes this interpretation of the Joker so wholly different from The Dark Knight. Batman‘s Joker isn’t unleashed chaos; he’s an artist, savagely trying to create his insane masterpiece.

The climax of the film is both stupid and accidentally brilliant. The scene of Joker taking Vicki to the top of the church was a late re-write, one that both Burton and Nicholson heavily questioned during filming. It makes zero sense, and Joker doesn’t seem to have much of a plan for doing so. But even if unintentional, I think this scene works perfectly on a deeper level. Batman had already foiled Joker’s big gambits by this point, unraveling his household product poisoning and jetting away his attempt to poison gas the city to death on the street (“He stole my balloons!“). These were to be Joker’s works of art, and his art was all he had driving him. Taken away, all he has left is insanity, running ever higher in hopes of finding escape to some new inspiration.

Which leaves us with the so-called “duel of the freaks”: two men in costumes, unable to stop what they feel compelled to do; they’re both outsiders to the rest of the world but each is the other’s (accidental) creator. There’s a cycle of need between Batman and the Joker, and this relationship is what has made them nearly as famous as any hero/villain pairing in history. Batman got all that, and by doing so, achieved greatness.

Batman was also a box office smash hit, easily passing Superman for the largest worldwide gross by a superhero film. Both the financial success and the movie’s turn to darker tones and themes make it one of the most important superhero movies ever. After Batman, superhero films became more adult, and they became a lot more plentiful, as more movies tried to duplicate Batman‘s success. But few have been able to match its quality.

–

NEXT TIME: The Return of the Swamp Thing (1989)

[Optional soundtrack to this post.]

Impression going in: If you’ve been following along, you know damn well my impressions of this series going in.

Impression after watching: Time is a flat circle. Everything we’ve ever done or will do, we’re going to do over and over and over again. Which means I will be in front of my television, watching Toxic Avenger and cringing … forever.

–

Shot and released back-to-back with Toxic Avenger Part II in 1989, The Last Temptation of Toxie is the third of four Toxic Avenger movies, which means that OH DEAR GOD THERE’S STILL ONE MORE OF THESE LEFT?!?!! But the fourth movie didn’t come out until 2000, so it’ll be a while until I get to it. So that means the good news is that I might die unexpectedly before that happens.

Here’s Toxie wearing a traffic cone and listening to his blind skanky girlfriend play accordion. I think his plot revolves around not having the money to marry her and/or cure her blindness in this one. Whatever.

More good news: maybe the world could end before I have to watch the fourth Toxic Avenger. You never know. Scientists sometimes discover a meteor or something that they weren’t aware of until it passes close to earth. Hell, there might be a comet headed right for us right now, Deep Impact-style, and astronomers have decided to just let us live out our lives in blissful ignorance because there’s nothing we can do anyway.

This is the bad guy, the head of Apocalypse, Inc. He wants to turn the world into toxic sludge while making lots of money. Since Toxie always stops him and Toxie is broke, he wisely bribes Toxie with a high-paying job. Of course, late in the movie, Toxie rediscovers his conscience and try to stop this guy. Which means this guy ends up trying to kill Toxie, which means I most definitely was rooting for him.

Of course, it doesn’t have to be a meteor or comet that ends all life on the planet; there’s always good old-fashioned nuclear war! I wonder if powerful people from the early 1960s would be surprised we haven’t had a full-scale global nuclear war yet. Silly humanity, always procrastinating!

Toxie is haunted by visions of the man he used to be before toxic sludge turned him into a monster. Except, not actually the man he used to be, because Melvin has been recast to look nothing like the original from Toxic Avenger. But the new version is much uglier and far more annoying, so by Troma standards, that means it was an upgrade.

By now, you might be thinking, why doesn’t he just skip the last Toxic Avenger movie if he hates this series so much? For that matter, why didn’t he skip 2 and 3? Why wish instead for death? Or jesus, for the end of the world? Why do we all have to die too just so this asshole doesn’t watch a movie that he doesn’t really even have to watch anyway? What a fucking dick.

This guy is the devil, or at least looks like him. Only green, which is nice. Green is an enjoyable color. Not as good as orange, but really solid. He came out of the body of the evil guy from earlier. Whether that meant the other guy transformed into this green devil, or the green devil killed the other guy to be born, I don’t remember. But he puts Toxie through some arbitrary tests while trying to kill him.

OK, fine, so maybe death or the end of the world is harsh. But I’m a completist. I have a hard time starting a project and accepting that I’m not following through, even if it takes me forever. I still harbor illusions of someday finishing a Deviants fan fiction series I abandoned like 11 years ago. In this case, I said I’d watch every superhero movie in order, knowing full well that included a lot of bad ones. I have to do this. And you have to read it, fucker, so this wasn’t all for nothing.

Toxie holding a broom usually means he just beat someone(s) up. He does that a lot. He does it here, too, successfully beating the bad guys and winning and such. Of course he does.

Besides, if time is a flat circle, and all events past and future have already happened, are happening, will happen, then some version of me has already watched the last Toxic Avenger and put this series behind him, free to live his life without the dark cloud of Toxic Avenger hanging over his head. Free to find joy again. I am him and he is me and the sun shall shine.

The movie ends with Toxie marrying his blind skank girlfriend, with the implication that they will live happily ever after.

And so shall we all. Because, you see, there’s got to be a morning after. We’re moving closer to the shore. I know we’ll be there by tomorrow. And we’ll escape the darkness. We won’t be searching anymore.

–

NEXT TIME: Batman (1989) (thank god)

Impression going in: Never seen it, but given my thoughts about the original, the idea of more Toxie was enough for me to consider stopping this whole project.

Impression after watching: I have committed some great sin in this life or a past life, and the Toxic Avenger series is my penance for whatever crime that was.

The Toxic Avenger Part II decided it was classy enough to use the “Part II” sequel styling from the greatest sequel ever made, but was too cheap to afford a colon or comma to set it apart in the title. The movie that no one was asking for (i.e.: all Troma movies) opens with the Toxic Avenger lamenting that there’s nothing for him to do after vanquishing all crime. He’s reduced to cleaning at the home for the blind. His blind blonde girlfriend from the first movie has been recast to be skankier but less attractive.

Perhaps my bad karma has something to do with not always being respectful to women? I feel like I have a pretty good track record there, but maybe in a past life, I wrote comic books in the 1960s or something. I apologize to any women I’ve wronged; this movie is going to wrong you far worse, though.

The peace is shattered when hired goons blow up the home for the blind. This starts an interminably long fight sequence between the bad guys and Toxie that faithfully adheres to the series’ code of being purposefully ridiculous and over-the-top violent in hopes that all this somehow equal humor in the end. (It does not.) We learn that these new baddies are courtesy of the evil corporation Apocalypse, Inc.

The sin I’m paying for here is pretty obvious. I voted Republican once. I apologize to all America for that one.

Apocalypse’s plan to defeat Toxie involves tricking Toxie to go to Japan so they can use some phenomenally stupid superweapon on him. The movie spends the majority of its time there in Japan, where Toxie searches for his father and is assisted by a far more attractive woman than his gross girlfriend back home.

All sorts of unbearable plot points and stupid fight scenes ensue, but most are openly just excuses to make a lot of jokes at Asians’ expense, because #LOLRACISM, I guess.

Again, I feel like my track record with racial issues is pretty spotless of sins to be paying for by watching this movie. However, I did spend a few years pretending to be Jewish in college. It was far more tribute than mockery to me, as I came to love the unique aspects of Jewish culture, but I was still a phony. Sorry, Jews.

In some way, Toxie defeats all the bad guys and ends up back at home. I honestly don’t remember how, but I feel very confident in saying that whatever went down was really, really stupid. He reunites with the gang in America, including meeting his real father, who isn’t Japanese at all, but rather someone who looks like he should be selling popcorn at a carnival in the 1950s.

Theory: I was once rude to a carnival popcorn salesman in the 1950s, and some cosmic force is making me pay now. I apologize to all 1950s carnival popcorn salesmen.

OK, I think that about covers it. Hopefully karma is satisfied that I have been punished sufficiently, and we can now move on to some real superhero movies. Surely this is the end.

Oh god dammit.

–

NEXT TIME: The Toxic Avenger Part III: The Last Temptation of Toxie (1989)

*sigh*

Impression going in: I remember this being bad. And the villain having weird fingernails. That’s it.

Was my impression right? Yes on the fingernails. They’re creepy; I have a pic for you later. But I could not have been more wrong about the quality.  Superman IV is a masterpiece. As you may recall, I have a knack for finding long-buried symbolism in supposedly horrible superhero movies. And that’s the case once again with Superman IV.

But first, some brief intro into why The Quest for Peace is generally regarded as one of the worst films of all time. The movie was the only one of the Reeve Superman films not produced by the Salkinds, who sold the rights after losing a bushel of money on Supergirl. But new owners Cannon Films were somehow just as clueless, giving the money a tight budget that resulted in the worst special effects of the series, and a plot that appears completely nonsensical. For instance, the movie flip-flops about half a dozen times about whether Lois Lane knows Clark is Superman. Here we see her recreating her famous flight with Superman from the first film, while talking about knowing he’s Clark; she literally forgets as soon as they land, with the implication that Superman has selective psychic powers.

Then there’s the plot itself. Superman decides to rid the Earth of all nuclear weapons, without actually caring if the world is cool with him doing so. Lex Luthor, eager to make money off the sale of those weapons, creates the superpowered Nuclear Man to kill Superman, making the world safe again for atom bombs. Also, I guess Superman is fluent in Russian, and I guess there is sound in outer space.

The first time you watch all this, it can be rather painful. But it helps to look at the film for its deeper levels, and it’s clear that there is something deeper going on in Superman IV, but I was unsure what it was at first. A take on the Cold War? Something to do with religion? A scathing critique on humanity’s soulless march toward so-called progress? Actually, none of the above.

Superman IV is an allegory for a child’s birthday party.

At this point, you might be thinking, this is going to be stupid; David just couldn’t come up with anything legitimately interesting to say about this shitty film. To which I have two replies: 1) Hey, fuck you. 2) You’re wrong! Just hear me out; this is all about to make a lot of sense.

The whole nuclear arms plot gets started by this little douchebag. I didn’t think to write down his name, but he looks like a Billy.

Anyway, Billy here gets called on in class to discuss how the students can help with the problem of proliferation of nuclear weapons. Which, jesus, aim a little lower on the curriculum, teacher. This represents the moment when the child is first asked what he wants to do for his birthday. Suddenly, he’s in the spotlight, which — because children are the worst — he naturally uses to make some batshit crazy request for his birthday party, like ice skating on the moon with the surviving Beatles. For Billy, his moon ice skating Beatles party is to write a letter to Superman asking him to get rid of all nuclear weapons.

Because Superman doesn’t have a mailing address apparently, the letter is sent to the Daily Planet because of their close relationship with the hero. But thanks to an excruciating subplot of the paper being bought by a businessman with an eye for sensationalism, the Planet withholds the letter from Superman and runs this headline instead:

This represents the moment when the dad calmly tries to explain to the child that his birthday party idea would cost billions of dollars, only to see the kid accuse him of not really loving him and saying he’ll just ask mom’s new boyfriend Jeff instead. Well this is the first that dad (/Superman) has heard about Jeff, but he’ll be damned if he lets that asshole top him.

So Superman makes a speech to the U.N. and without waiting for any kid of approval, sets about collecting all the nuclear weapons of the world in a suspiciously huge net, which he hurls into the sun. This is dad renting out the ice skating rink and decorating the walls with cardboard cutouts of moon rocks, then hiring a Paul McCartney impersonator and a much cheaper Ringo Starr impersonator.

But of course, mom (Lex Luthor) isn’t going to just let dad be the hero, so she has Jeff (the Nuclear Man) start trying to trip up dad. This contest of wills is represented as a literal fight in the film, of course. And mom even one-ups dad by fulfilling little Billy’s wish for a young Horace Slughorn to make a brief appearance. (Billy has weird requests, but the point is that mom pulled it off.)

So Jeff shows up at the party, and dad’s first thought is that he’s better than this chump. Jeff leaves muddy footprints everywhere (or atomic footprints, that only sometimes appear) and has some gross physical characteristic (THOSE FINGERNAILS).

So Jeff starts doing things to try to mess up dad’s vision for the party, like “accidentally” breaking one of the moon rock cutouts to show how cheap and flimsy they are. This is represented by the Nuclear Man destroying part of the Great Wall of China.

Or “accidentally” knocking over the birthday cake (the Nuclear Man cutting off and throwing part of a mountain).

Or even “accidentally” knocking the cheap wig off the Ringo impersonator (the Nuclear Man toppling the Statue of Liberty).

Like Superman, dad must hastily follow Jeff/Nuclear Man around to hastily set right the various havoc he wreaks. Worse, he must do so while also fending off the advances of the skanky skating rink employee (or newspaper owner’s daughter) and even saving her life when Jeff pushes her out on the ice without shoes (the Nuclear Man literally flies her into outer space without a suit, which does not harm her at all).

Admittedly, I have not been to a kids’ birthday party since I was a kid myself, nor have I ever been to an ice skating rink, but I assume there’s usually an imperiled seductress at both. Otherwise, this symbolism theory might have a hole, and we all know it does not.

Also, Jon Cryer is there as Lex’s nephew, presumably to symbolize the kid who everyone hates but Billy’s parents tell him he has to invite him to not be rude.

Anyway, as improbable as it looked, Superman pulls it off, and mom/Jeff get their comeuppance. In the symbolized world, dad has maxed out every credit card he owns, including two new ones he had to get for just this occasion. In the movie, Superman moves the moon from its orbit to cause an eclipse, cutting the Nuclear Man off from his source of solar power; the film cuts out the killer tidal waves that this presumably caused. The point is: there are drastic but unseen consequences.

Superman ends with a speech about how he can’t solve every problem, but he had to try. Importantly, we never see Billy during this speech. Does he accept Superman’s “there are flaws but I’m doing my best” explanation? Did Billy view the birthday party as a reasonable success?

We will never know. Goodbye, Christopher Reeve. You were our best dad ever.

—

NEXT TIME: The Toxic Avenger Part II (1989)

What do you get when you cross a duck with fireworks? A firequacker. And what do you get when you adapt a comic about a smartass talking duck? One of the biggest bombs in superhero movie history. A frequent entry on lists of “worst films ever.” A flawed film that utterly disregarded the existentialism of the late Steve Gerber’s comic book, a run so brilliant that Howard got thousands of write-in votes for president in 1976. But you also get a surprisingly charming movie. All you have to do is turn off large portions of your brain, and it’ll quack you up. (I’m going big on duck puns in this post. Get used to it.)

Made in 1986, the movie was originally conceived as a cartoon, but became live-action in part because George Lucas’s production company was under contract to deliver any live movie. If you’re wondering where Lucas’s questionable decision-making began, you might look here.

Ed Gale, who also played Chucky, was the main actor doing Howard’s physical acting, while Chip Zien dubbed in the voice later. Howard looks awful in the film, making you wonder if he was designed by a drugged-up quackhead, but weirdly, you get used to him and his nearly expressionless face.

The movie rarely ever misses an opportunity for duck-related humor, which is why I am still shocked that Howard once dresses in an Ohio State sweatshirt when obvious Oregon jokes were staring them in the face.

We open in Duckworld, get various establishing shots to tell us that everyone there are ducks, and then Howard is mysteriously ripped into our world. We see paper-mache duck boobs on his way out, because why not. The film snatches away all of Howard’s trademark satire from Gerber’s stories, but at least it keeps some of his rudeness and crassness — we see him brawl in a bar, and Beverly finds a duck condom in his wallet.

Beverly is the punk rock chick whom Howard meets upon arrival in our world. She’s played by Lea Thompson, who was coming off Back to the Future and looked like a million bucks. Or should I say bills. She becomes Howard’s romantic interest, and pretty much steals the show.

What was I saying? Totally lost any trail of thought.

Beverly tries to help Howard get back to his world, which means going to see a scientist friend, Phil, played by an inexperienced young Tim Robbins. Less than 20 years later, he’d win an Oscar, but here, he looked like he was playing Will Ferrell playing Harry Caray.

Phil leads them to Dr. (Ducktor) Jenning, played by Jeffrey Jones, whom you know as the principal in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and absolutely nothing else. In trying to send Howard back, Jenning instead gets possessed by an evil warlord spirit that takes him over and tries to destroy the world. Lucas’s company impressed with the good special effects of his descent.

Never one to give in to such fowl play, Howard rescues Beverly and Phil, even severing Jenning from his possession. Which only makes [whatever the hell this bad guy is] even uglier.

I honestly don’t remember how this all was resolved. But I assume Howard made some wisequacks, and I snipped a screenshot of him holding a giant gun, so that probably factored in somehow.

In any event, we get to end by Howard joining Bev and her band in signing a song about himself. Oh yeah, and he’s their manager, which is eggcellent; no one wants to see Howard resort to being a robber ducky to get by.

So to recap: if you like intelligent philosophical absurdities, read Steve Gerber’s Howard the Duck comic. If you like stupid movies that are nonsensical, mildly boring, and heavy on puns, watch the Howard the Duck movie. And if you like neither, go duck yourself.

NEXT TIME: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

It’s not easy to get a movie made. Not that I know that from any personal experience, but I’ve seen enough of the “struggling screenwriter” cliche to imagine that half of Hollywood thinks they have at least one great idea if only they could get the right people on board. And chances are that at least some of those unmade ideas really are great. So it’s a little unfortunate how many shitty movies that get made instead. And with that in mind, let’s talk about The Toxic Avenger.

First of all, let me just say: I get it. I really do. The Toxic Avenger has a substantial cult following, and its fans seem to eagerly defend it by talking about how negative reviews just can’t understand the humorous intention of the movie’s ultraviolence. But no, I do get it. Toxie is both a horror movie and a satire of horror movies. It takes the classic tropes of slasher flicks, from the gory deaths to the gratuitous nude scenes to the horrible acting, and takes them all to their extremes with a wink and a nod for laughs. But you can understand The Toxic Avenger and still count it among your least favorite films of all time.

As for the plot, there’s Melvin, this dorky janitor who gets picked on …

… mostly by these assholes, who also get off (maybe literally) on running over little kids. They’re probably the most obvious example of how intentionally over-the-top the violence in the movie is. Apparently, our reaction as viewers to an 8-year-old boy’s head getting crushed by a car should BAHAHA HOW META

Anyway, eventually one of their “jokes” results in Melvin falling into a bunch of toxic sludge.

Which turns him into a monster that gets the name Toxic Avenger, and spends the rest of the movie murdering bad guys in various brutal ways.

He slowly murders his way through a whole criminal underworld run by the town’s mayor, and we get to see everything from a dog getting killed by a shotgun to Toxie boiling a guy in a fast food fryer. And Toxie falls in love with a hot blonde blind chick.

Other shit happens, but it is indeed shit, so I’m not going to bother with it. It’s not that I was deeply offended or anything by the movie, like some negative reviewers are, I just thought it was beyond the pale in terms of stupidity. It seemed to think it was clever or bold or original or funny. But it’s really just fucking stupid. Fuck this movie.

Oh, and it got three sequels. Because fuck you, suffering screenwriters with actual good ideas. I committed to my chronological Wikipedia syllabus no matter what, but Wikipedia is editable, right? Of course, it would be cheating to edit it myself, just as much as it would be to simply skip movies on the list. So I’m not saying I will pay someone to take those films off before I get to them, but yes, that is exactly what I am saying.

NEXT TIME: Howard the Duck (1986)

If you look at the syllabus for this chronological Guidebook, you might notice something missing. Namely, women. While I can certainly hope that brighter days may be ahead for women in these movies, I currently count five (already released) movies on that list with a woman in the leading role. Out of nearly 150. So the track record is … not good.

Supergirl is the first of those rare superheroine offerings, and it, too, is … not good. Made in 1984, Supergirl was also produced the Salkinds, whom I’ve spoken about before in the previous Superman films in less than kind terms. The Salkinds continued their relentless quest to make illogical, flat superhero movies with Supergirl, even paying the full $35 million budget out of pocket. The good news is, when the movie fell extremely flat both at the box office ($14 million gross in the U.S.) and with critics (8% at Rottem Tomatoes), the Salkinds had to sell their movie rights to the entire Superfamily. The bad news is, this movie still got made. So let’s get into it.

Let’s start with Supergirl/Kara herself, played by Helen Slater. Slater’s star burned out by the early 90s, but not before co-starring in City Slickers and the underrated The Secret of My Success. She plays Supergirl with a wide-eyed wonder, trying for the “aw shucks” style of Christopher Reeve’s Superman/Clark Kent but only partially succeeding. Slater does have a certain charm in the role, but it never fully lands; she often looks a little blank, and never tough enough.

The movie begins in Argo City, a Kryptonian community that wikipedia tells me exists in transdimensional space; I honestly missed that or any other explanation was for its existence. But the late, great Peter O’Toole is there as Kara’s mentor, Zaltar, and Mia Farrow has a very brief role as Kara’s mother. But when Kara loses the orb that powers the city, she has to take off in a space ship to find it. We’re told that she’s Superman’s cousin, and that the journey from “inner space” to “outer space” will give her Superman’s powers. That journey basically looks like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, but without any actual production values.

Upon arriving on Earth, Kara lands in a lake and bursts through the water, already in full Supergirl costume for some unexplained reason. The moment reminded me of the comics debut of Phoenix, which just made me sad about yet another ruined superheroine. (Thanks again, Brett Ratner!)

Then we see Supergirl instantly dry, which I’m going to pretend is a new superpower of hers instead of just another sign of how zero fucks the makers of this movie gave. She uses her new heat vision to make a flower bloom, which I’m almost positive is not an accurate portrayal of what would happen to a flower if bombarded by an intense heat laser powerful enough to cut through metal.

Before long, she decides she needs a secret identity, though the “why” is completely unknowable; she’s only on Earth to get in, get back the orb her people need, and get out again. But, she does have instant costume change abilities that allow her to disguise herself as the brunette Linda Lee at an all-girls boarding school. (Admittedly, the hair color is a better disguise than glasses.)

Her roommate, of course, has to be Lucy Lane, Lois’s younger sister, because this movie is determined to give us worse versions of everything from Superman.

Does Superman himself show up? Haha fuck you, of course he doesn’t. But Lucy does have a poster of him, and we do hear a radio story telling us that Superman is gone on a peace mission to a faraway galaxy (naturally). So, no Superman and Lois’s annoying little sister instead of Lois; right then, you’re thinking, “damn, I guess no one important wanted to be in this movie.” Then BAM! You were wrong, because guess what, Jimmy Olsen’s schedule was free!

The villain for the movie is Selena, played by Faye Dunaway; similar to the first Superman, Dunaway’s star power was deemed important enough that she got cast billing ahead of the title character. Selena is a character who makes no damn sense. We meet her as she talks about wanting to rule the world, and mentions that she needs to become invisible to do so. Questionable logic, right? But no worries, that is literally the last time invisibility is mentioned. Because that’s the genius (cough) of Selena: every time you think the movie is giving her a clear character motivation, it pivots into something new.

The orb Supergirl is ostensibly looking for? Selena found it (above), and it gives her super witch powers. Which, ok. So now she’s going to use those powers to take over the world. Except that instead, she sees Ethan, a random hot gardener, and decides to use the powers to make him fall in love with her. When he falls for Kara/Supergirl/Linda (seriously, too many names, girl) instead, Selena tries to use her power to destroy Linda. Then when Supergirl shows up, Selena decides to focus her power on beating her, because she’s an idiot. Then at some point, she gets back around to the world domination thing.

It’s exhaustingly nonsensical, but I have to give Dunaway some credit. She commits to this batshit crazy character and plays her batshit crazy schemes with passion, no matter how batshit crazy they are.

As for Ethan, he gets to be the movie’s love interest. The film glosses over the fact that he only fell in love with Linda/Supergirl because of a spell, not out of free will. As far as love interests go, he might literally be the most empty, boring one I’ve ever seen on any show or movie. His personality can best be described as human cardboard. Weirdly, that felt vaguely comforting to me. Given the number of female love interests we’ve seen for the male action hero, and how hollow those women almost always are, I think Ethan being worse than any of them might be the most progressive thing in this movie.

Of course, any progressivism doesn’t last long as Supergirl turns into hopeless schoolgirl at the first sight of a boy showing any interest in her. She abandons that whole “helping her people” thing to go be with Ethan (when the orb was nearly within her grasp), and is so taken by him that we see her trying to recreate their kiss in the mirror.

Ethan recognizes her secret identity when they kiss again while she’s Supergirl, meaning that Sam Raimi might have stolen that whole idea from freaking Supergirl. Then a bunch of shit happens, and somehow, Supergirl gets sent to the Phantom Zone.

The good news is that Zaltar is there, which means more screen time for Peter O’Toole. Bias alert, O’Toole was one of my favorite actors of all time. But he seemed to be phoning it in during the Argo City opening scenes. In the Phantom Zone, he gives us at least a hint of the edge that made him so great, playing Zaltar as half-crazed even as he helps Supergirl escape. It was easily the highlight of the film for me.

So Supergirl goes back and they have the big final battle and plot resolutions and whatever. Fortunately, the movie ends. Unfortunately, the idea begins that a female character can’t carry her own superhero(ine) movie. Obviously, that’s bullshit. The problems of Supergirl were an ADHD plot and boring characters with no discernible personalities. The movie gives us a Supergirl in an impossibly tight shirt and a short skirt that’s never more than an inch from showing too much, and it seems clueless as to why anyone would need more.

I’m pretty sure we’ll never see a superheroine fighting crime in a parka, but hopefully the day is coming where we at least get an actual story structure put around a woman. It’s just not here. Definitely not here.

NEXT TIME: The Toxic Avenger (1984)