Random Rankings: Top 11 Things that are Orange

Today, the Netherlands plays Argentina to decide who will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. If we’re lucky, Argentina will win and set up a thrilling match of the German juggernaut machine vs. the world’s best player. If we’re unlucky, Arjen Robben will flop his way to a title. But while I might not be a fan of the Netherlands team, the Dutch do have one admirable quality: those jerseys.

1B v 2A: Round of 16 - 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil

That orange POPS. Hell, it pop pops. So in honor of the one good thing about the Dutch national team, let’s count down the best of the color orange. Important note: Despite the inspiration for doing this, sports oranges will be left out of this list; I’m an alum of Oklahoma State (we’re kinda big on orange), so I’d probably make the entire list just stuff from OSU campus otherwise.

Without further ado:

#879: Carrots


Worst. Vegetable. Ever. It’s like scientists were trying to create the world’s foulest-tasting food, then realized they still had to trick us into buying it, so they colored it a delicious-looking orange. I’d rather get punched by The Mountain than eat a carrot. Why yes, my eyesight is bad; why do you ask?

Let’s skip ahead to the Top 11.

#11. Goldfish


I’m not super into fish, but there’s no denying the simple elegance of goldfish. Plus, just think of how many kids learned about death from their first goldfish. That’s an important legacy.

#10. Goldfish Crackers

goldfish crackers

However, the goldfish of the animal kingdom is still outclassed by its distant cousin from the snack kingdom. These tiny crackers are almost as delicious as they are addictive, which is saying something since they’re more addictive than crack. Maybe if crack were orange, it could catch up.

#9. Pumpkins

jack o batman

I’m not a huge eater of pumpkins, but my goodness do they leave an attractive corpse. I never did anything beyond the simple eyes and mouth (and quite misshapen even then) for my jack o’lanterns as a kid, but the I still gawk at the elaborate designs (like the one above) that people can make.

#8. Lava


For something so destructive, volcanoes are oddly beautiful. I could watch lava flow for hours on end. Well, no, I couldn’t, because my attention span is horrible, but surely for minutes on end. Fine, seconds. Seconds on end.

#7. Orange Sherbet

orange sherbet

Possibly ranked too low. Orange sherbet is delicious, but I almost always choose some other ice cream/yogurt over it. Orange sherbet is my perennial runner-up. Come to think of it, I might be a damn fool. A fool who needs to eat some orange sherbet.

#6. Oranges


Oranges are a top-notch fruit. They’re simple, readily available, and classic. I still have fond memories of eating orange slices at halftime of soccer games as a kid. If only I had any fond memories of actually being good at soccer.

#5. Orange Juice


Orange juice has all the great taste of oranges, but in a form that allows it to be mixed with alcohol. Brilliant.

#4. Tigers


Tigers are so pretty to look at that you can almost forget that they’re evolutionary-perfected killing machines. Man does well enough with weapons and deforestation, but a tiger can bite you with over 1,000 PSI of force. For perspective: lions are pretty deadly themselves, and a tiger’s bite is literally twice as strong as that.

#3. Fire


But if we’re talking deadly, fire has to take the cake. The cake would be melted and burnt, but you get my drift. The discovery and harnessing of fire is the most important advancement in the history of the human race. Few things can match the destructive capabilities and massive vitality of fire.

#2. The Sun

the sun

But obviously, the sun is rather important itself. Its gravity holds our solar system together. Its warmth keeps trillions of plants and animals alive. Its light … well, makes it easier to see stuff. Most of all that ever was, is, or will be on this planet, we owe to the sun. It should be nearly impossible to beat in any list.

#1. Doritos Nacho Cheese


BUT DORITOS ARE AWESOME. When Doritos Nacho Cheese was invented, we all won. We still have wars and famine and disease, but any despair that comes our way, we can wash it down with an explosion of flavor perfection. Doritos are the pinnacle of our existence, what all of mankind was unknowingly striving toward. Let’s call it a day, humanity. We did it.

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  1. Okay.

    First off: Carrots are GREAT. Even when I didn’t like vegetables, I could eat the SHIT out of carrots.

    I thought I’d point out some notable snubs, since you were too busy sucking the sun’s dick (brown noser) to get this list correctly. It’s clobberin’ time.

    NOTE: Most of yours are almost exclusively orange (or permanently in the yellow/red continuum), but Tigers aren’t, so I extrapolated.

    1. The Ever-Lovin’ Blue-Eyed THING.

    2. So their house colors are scarlet and gold, but with a bad screen resolution, gold is orange: Gryffindor. But more importantly, what ABOUT THE WEASLEY FAMILY? Technically they’re redheads, but we both know they essentially have orange hair.

    3. You bastard, you forgot Ernie (as in ____ & Bert). This also reminds me that you forgot several Muppets you undoubtedly love, like Animal, or Beaker.

    4. Classic Aquaman.

    5. Orange Soda. Maybe I have a crush (get it?), but orange and Grape soda were two of childhood’s greatest treasures. Orange remains a pleasure, whereas I don’t know what the fuck we (as a childhood collective) were thinking with Grape Soda.

    6. Cheetos, though you got the snack aisle covered, with Doritos and Goldfish.

    7. Reese’s. While not technically orange, the packaging is, and that’s the kind of loophole I’d exploit when crafting this list.

    8. CANDY CORN. Some loathe it. I don’t.

    9. I’ve never watched Orange is the New Black, but I feel like there was a missed opportunity for a joke there.

    10. Garfield.

    11. The lions in Lion King are pretty orangey and Yosemite Sam’s mustache sometimes is orange (though normally red).

    Sidenote: What are your thoughts on William of Orange?

  2. Brown noser? Talk about missing a joke opportunity. Orange noser was right there for you.

    Anyway, I’m all about William of Orange; I love me some Glorious Revolution. You bring up some excellent candidates. But there are many spaces available between #11 and #879, and I can guarantee every one of those would have beat out the taste atrocity that are carrots. Perhaps one day I’ll go back and fill in all those slots, but right now, you don’t pay me enough. 😉

    Still though. I don’t feel great about not having the Thing above goldfish.

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