When Peter Capaldi was announced, I was ecstatic. Not because I knew who he was (because honestly, I didn’t) but because he was so unlike any of the New Series Doctors. He was older, a bit wiser looking and there was something that was so exciting about getting back to a Doctor who wasn’t fresh out of puberty.

I stayed away from all spoilers (aside from new companion/villain casting) and I refused to read about the script leakage (Shame on them!) let alone go in search of the scripts themselves. I was bracing myself, I was ready, I was convinced it was going to be awesome season because I (stop your groaning) love Clara and wanted her to finally be able to step out of Amy’s shadow and maybe that could happen with a new Doctor. Unfortunately, that was one of the only things that happened in the Series 8 premiere that was worthwhile. (I don’t care what anyone says, Clara is awesome and the restaurant exchange between her and Capaldi’s Doc was phenomenal).

Now I know the premiere was a few days ago, but I controlled myself and didn’t watch it until I went to a proper screening last night with a lifelong Whovian (who like many others, is a diehard Tom Baker fan). But when leaving the surprisingly full AMC theatre, we were both shocked at how underwhelmed we were.

The story that this long ass episode tried to tell, was a hot mess. Starting with a dinosaur roaming Victorian England, ending with some funky-freaky incarnation of the Clockwork Androids from one of my favorite episodes of television ever (S02.E04 “The Girl in the Fireplace”, also written by Moffat) jumping out of the TARDIS and spearing himself to death. The episode was a disaster when it started and a disaster when it ended.

Like many of Moffat’s episodes since he took over as show-runner, it tried to do too much in a short amount of time and instead of blending together as one cohesive and intriguing mystery, it was too  many different ideas and not enough of any of them. Between the unnecessary dinosaur, Capaldi’s absolutely beautiful exchange with the homeless man, Clara being interrogated by Madame Vastra, and the Doctor and Clara trying to figure each other out at the same time as solving the mystery of “what the restaurant was”… It was just wrong and it did not work.

In addition to the many storylines that didn’t weave together, I, and I suspect many others, were also more preoccupied in figuring out this new Doctor and who he is (which became increasingly more difficult as the episode went on) rather than investing in the ridiculous story. The first episode with a new Doctor is always challenging to get through – whether it’s because you can’t let go of the last one (I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO, MATT SMITH) or because the Doctor has spent the majority of the episode passed out and regenerating (I’m looking at you, Tennant), but Moffat made it extremely difficult on us this time. Capaldi’s inner dialogue that was very much outer dialogue for the entire episode was beautiful and tragic and interesting…but is that really who this Doctor is? Answer: Apparently, given the closing scene between him and Clara.

All that being said however, Peter Capaldi did a wonderful job embodying our beloved Doctor. He had the weight of the world on his 2000 year old shoulders and commanded every scene he was in, not to mention his comedic timing and humor was just perfect (as was the writing for those particular moments: so many good one-liners and jokes, especially about being Scottish.)

But unfortunately again, none of Capaldi’s excellence in performance changes the fact that the problems in writing outweighed even the best of the funny. To add insult to injury, DOCTOR WHO has also become a bunch of green screen and CGI. I’m all about improving quality of TV, what? One of the great things about DOCTOR WHO was the kitschy sets and people dressed in monster-costumes, and now we’ve moved onto gigantic computer-generated dinosaurs and horrible shots of dead androids (which, by the way, were completely superfluous and crude for the nature of the show).

Basically it comes down to this: I have been Team Moffat since he took over DOCTOR WHO three series’ ago; I have stuck by him, defended him, and supported him but I’m starting to feel as if that time in my life is coming to a close. While SHERLOCK is only getting better, Moffat doesn’t seem to have a grasp on what he’s doing with DOCTOR WHO (although, I do love that they finally addressed the question of who gave Clara the TARDIS phone number) and I’m crossing my fingers that he doesn’t take us down yet another road that completely eradicates past storylines. He better make a big change and real fast if he expects to keep this particular Whovian happy.

Get it together, Moff, and quick.

While I haven’t read it, I imagine the screenplay for Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure to be the greatest literary achievement of man.

How I imagine the script coming into being was that screenwriters Chris Matheson (who also wrote A Goofy Movie; drink!) and Ed Solomon (Men in Black) were high and getting munchies at the local Circle K, and they may or may not have had a strange encounter in the parking lot with a bum and/or George Carlin. One of them said this line:

And they knew they had a mandate from a higher power, a mission, a quest, that they needed to write a movie based on that one line, which is one of the greatest lines in the history of film. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure actually has 7 of the best 12 lines in all cinema (“You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!” is one of the others). Most triumphant.

The film spawned an almost as bodacious sequel in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. Plus, a most racist cartoon series, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventures:

A most delicious cereal:

A most homophobic/racist/virulent show at Universal Studios:

Plus it spawned Keanu Reeves’ career, one of the most wonderful and puzzling phenomenons in the universe. Alex Winter’s career has just begun.

Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan of Wyld Stallyns fame are American heroes as rarefied and important as the historical figures they snatch up from time for their history report. Those would be Joan of Arc, Napoleon, Gengis Khan (“This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman’s Sporting Goods”), Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid (Mr. The Kid, who deals “with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease”), So-cratz, Beethoven and Abraham Lincoln, by the way. Until writing this post, I was convinced that Ms. of Arc was played by Winona Ryder. Apparently, that was Jane Wiedlin of The Go-Go’s.

But come on.

Bill and Ted are typical dumbasses who want to be in a band and change the world. One has a domineering father who wants his son to go the military. The other is sexing up a recent San Dimas high graduate and former classmate (“Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?” “Shut up, Ted!”). That would be Missy.

The sequence preceding this is a seriously disturbing scene where Mr. Preston kicks his son and best friend, out of Bill’s very own room, to pork Missy. On his son’s bed, no less. This is something that went blissfully over my head when I was younger. Now, I’m traumatized.

You’re looking at one of the few perfect movies. There’s something to be said for a movie that achieves and surpasses every one of its goals, and doesn’t have a flawed note whatsoever. Bill & Ted is exactly what it needed to be, wanted to be, and became something that much more, just like the band that somehow became a religion in the future. As ridiculous as that sounds on the surface, how inspiring are these maxims?

Most inspiring, is the answer, and something I’d get behind a lot more readily than actual organized religion.

I imagine San Dimas, California to only be populated by jocks (“San Dimas High School Football Rules”) and stoners, and the only place where Circle K’s still exist, and phone booths are still in use (outside of the UK). In fact, I plan on driving the 36 minutes east to San Dimas to investigate this very thing in the near future. If there isn’t a shrine to Bill & Ted, or people wearing the clothes of the future and worshiping Wyld Stallyns, I’m going to be most disappointed.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is everything. It’s got danger (“I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn”), bodacious princess babes, most heinous time travel plot twists that are purely jokes/cheese here, but no different than some of the logic seen in Doctor Who, Back to the Future or other hallmarks of the genre. The movie is deep:

“Look him up. It’s under So-cratz.” Philosophize with him, dude. While also highly intelligent and fraught with life’s greatest issues and challenges, there are also light moments, such as when Bill & Ted meet their future them’s, and must prove their identity through expert sleuthing:

Plus, it takes friggin’ Napoleon and puts him in a kids water park, a bowling alley and an incredibly 80’s ice cream palace. In other words, Napoleon has the best time in the future. He goes down water slides, eats enough ice cream to kill a mere mortal and goes bowling (which he’s not a fan of). It’s pure brilliance that one of the greatest military strategists and leaders in history is also…a Ziggy Piggy. ZIGGY PIGGY.

All of this happens because Ted’s younger brother ditches Napoleon. Why? “He’s a dick.”

The cherry on top of the Ziggy Piggy sundae is, quite obviously, Rufus, AKA George Carlin, in his finest film role (though this is close):

Every historical figure has indelible moments, but it’s tough to top Napoleon or So-cratz. Or Lincoln. So until we get a sequel, let’s drink along with one of the best films ever made.

“Party On, Dudes!”: The Rules

1. Every time Bill or Ted say “dude” or a variation of the colloquialism, drink.

2. Every time Bill or Ted perform the infamous/orgasmic air guitar riff, drink.

3. Drink again, whenever the Earl of Preston and the Duke of Ted shout “Wyld Stallyns!”

4. Take a drink whenever Bill & Ted encounter/kidnap another historical figure.

5. Sip whenever the phone booth travels in time.

6. Drink every time Bill or Ted say “excellent,” “bodacious,” or any synonym of those words. Double it whenever it’s preceded by “Most.”

7. Drink whenever Bill and Ted say “Whoaaa.”

8. You must drink any time someone mispronounces Socrates. And drink double when Socrates introduces himself, because it’s the best.

9. Any time we hear Bill and Ted’s full names uttered, DRINK.

10. And most importantly: Be most excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

I don’t know what I just watched, but I know it’s freaking good. BBC’s brilliant streak appears to be continuing with Intruders, a horror/sci-fi show set in the Pacific Northwest from Glen Morgan (X-Files) and Julie Gardner (Torchwood). The pilot, “She Was Provisional,” is a slow burn that leaves your stomach in knots and your brain befuddled, buoyed by excellent acting and beautiful filmmaking. This was probably the most promising pilot I saw at Comic-Con, though I admittedly missed Gotham.

Two men, or intruders (played by Jackie Brown‘s Robert Foster and True Blood‘s James Frain), break into a home in the middle of the night, and accost Donna (Katherine Evans), a teenage girl, desirous of her secret. They shine something in her eyes, and soon Donna is vomiting and speaking in tongues. She wakes up on the lawn in the morning, writes her secret on a pad of paper (“I am not Donna.”), then kills herself in the bathtub. That’s how you start a pilot.

Now onto Seattle, where Richard Shepherd (the aforementioned Frain), comes a-knocking, which we know isn’t a good sign. He demands to know where William Anderson is. William’s wife (presumably) doesn’t know. He quickly shoots the woman and her son.

In Birch Crossing, a make-believe quaint port town in the Northwest, former cop-turned-author Jack Whelan (John Simm, or the Master in Doctor Who), prepares for his wife Amy’s birthday. Amy (Academy Award winner Mira Sorvino) doesn’t like her birthday, but that’s clearly not the only thing wrong with her. She’s depressed, off, and weird. Jack walks in on her dancing to jazz alone, and she admonishes him for walking in on her. That was private, she says. Um, okay. Then they have sex, her pupils dilate a crazy amount, and in the morning, she’s disappeared. Her normally busy calendar is empty after her birthday, her hotel has no record of her staying there, and when Jack calls her office, they haven’t even heard of her. Hurm.

In Reno, Oz Turner (The Dark Knight‘s David Dastmalchian) talks about William Anderson and the people who killed his family, uncovering a conspiracy on his podcast. Shepherd is listening, and makes contact with Oz. You know that’s not a good sign for Oz.

On the Oregon coast, a pale, creepy girl named Madison (Millie Brown) celebrates her birthday as well, though is about as happy about it as Amy. She runs to the beach, where she finds Shepherd there. Uh oh. She yells at him to go away…and surprisingly he does. Like Amy, her pupils dilate, and when Shepherd returns, he asks to speak to Morgan. Is Morgan another personality? Someone who’s possessing Madison? A spirit? An alien? So many questions.

Meanwhile, Gary Fischer (Tory Kittles) pays Whelan a visit. He’s a lawyer, and an old friend of Jack’s, who wants to talk (but is very wary of speaking near Amy). He tells Whelan the story of Bill Anderson, thinking it could be Jack’s new book. But it’s clear that’s not all he’s trying to tell Jack, considering the tension between them. Who the hell is Bill Anderson and why does everyone want to find him? What/who are these Intruders? What’s the significance of these secrets they kill for? Are they merely serial killers, or are they protecting us? I have my theories, but I’ll hold off on now.

All of these elements and more come together in an eerie, foreboding opening hour of what promises to be another BBC sensation that delves into immortality, identity and dark and dreary happenings. It’ll require patience, but unlike HBO’s The Leftovers, this bleak show has immediately grabbed me, making me want to know the answers and more about these characters, and doesn’t seem to be depressing merely for the sake of being depressing. It’s not relying on its central mystery solely to hook an audience. Its got a lot more going on than that.

GRADE: A-

BBC’s Intruders premieres after Doctor Who on August 23rd, 2014.

Fan Cosplay of the 7th Doctor

That 16 year break gave the network, the show runners, writers they brought on board, and the fans at home a chance to reinvent the Doctor and modernize him in a way that may not have been possible had he remained on the air that entire time. Everyone was given a fresh perspective and outlook on a most beloved character and most fans seemed to be more than happy to have the Doctor back, regardless of who had been cast. Of course, there are always fan-based ideal casting choices; everyone has their preferences and that’s absolutely fine – the point here is that the majority of fans were just glad to have the Doctor on screen again – they’d take him anyway they could have him. And maybe it’s time for that again. Maybe if we say goodbye to the Doctor for a few years (five or even ten) when we bring him back we can revive him into a black man, or a middle-aged woman and it would be ok because people would be thankful just to have the Doctor back again. A hiatus spanning 3-5 years would give everyone – the writers, studio, and actors – a chance to really develop this new series starring a whole different brand of Doctor. It would offer those involved on the inside the opportunity to advertise and market this new Doctor however they saw fit in keeping with the tradition of who the Doctor was at [his] core, beneath all the scarves and fez’s. Now, I’m [surprisingly] not saying that a female Doctor specifically is the best, most awesome idea ever… But I am absolutely open to it if the time was taken to do it properly, with the right woman in the role and the right show-runner (who I do not believe is Moffat. My previous article on Moffat’s female characters notwithstanding. I do like him enough, but I’m not sure he would be able to change genders and lead a successful show, especially considering what he’s changed with the current one – which is everything.)

Fan Cosplay of the official 13th [Matt Smith] Doctor

I’ve never read the Twilight books. I’ve honestly never even seen one of the books in person. I had to see the movies (my sister dragged me, and there is no escaping that woman’s grip), but even for someone who loves tween drama (ABC Family is the shit, dudes), vampires and all that jazz, TWILIGHT was a nightmare. A boring, anti-self-respect lead female, one lead male that was super controlling and could do a lecture series on How to be a Stalker and a second lead male that had such serious anger management problems and only-child syndrome that when he didn’t get his way he, quite literally, turned into a monster. TWILIGHT is not the only fandom that has nutcase fangirls swarming about (search: Tom Hiddleston/Loki on Tumblr. Go on. I dare you.) but it is definitely the easiest to draw attention to. This insane, demeaning story captured girls’ attention all over the world, and I cannot understand why. Why would anyone – male or female – want to emulate that relationship?

Twilight – 0
Buffy – 1

I’m getting older, the fangirls are getting younger, and the media available (and targeted) to them is getting crappier and crappier.  But unfortunately, none of that answers the question of when we became crazy people. I get (I’m not sure why, and I definitely don’t know how) that TWILIGHT is important to a lot of people, specifically women. I absolutely understand the need to live vicariously through a character and to want so desperately to be part of the world they live in – that’s what a fandom is – but what I do not, cannot and will not accept is the fangirls that can’t control themselves. Please, enjoy Urban Dictionary’s definition:

Fangirl: A rabid breed of human female who is obsessed with either a fictional character or an actor. Similar to the breed of fanboy. Fangirls congregate at anime conventions and livejournal. Have been known to glomp, grope, and tackle when encountering said obsessions.

What’s so utterly pathetic about this, is that that’s actually what they do. There is no sense of dignity or respect for the person they’re fawning over, and many of them cannot distinguish between the actor and the character they play (see: Twihards, and even some SHERLOCK fans who HATE Amanda Abbington because her character Mary Morstan came between Johnlock). It seems that “our” uncontrollable need for Edward Cullen to be a reality brought us out of our dark rooms to go hunting for him (poor R-Pat) at every available moment, and that in turn drew every other fangirl out along with them.

Twilight – 0
Buffy – 2

So now the question becomes: are the crazy fangirls a reaction to the media that we’re giving them? Or was gasoline thrown on the tiny fire when the fangirls started being treated as crazy?

Of course, the obvious answer for all of this is: “daddy issues.” Is it the right answer for everyone? More than likely no. There will be some fangirls that fall into that category as well, but the biggest thing that I’ve been noticing on Tumblr and other social media sites that I peruse for fandom enjoyment, is that many of these young girls have very low self-esteem and self-worth. For whatever reasons – and I’m not going to even try to guess what they have going on in their personal lives – many of these crazy fangirls that can’t control their urge to attack don’t think very highly of themselves. It’s easy to assume that that’s why they’ve grown so attached to fictional characters; they see something in those characters they can identify with; it’s a way to escape their own hell; it’s a way of expressing themselves; I get it, but it’s still very sad to see. …Not to mention that it gives those of us that aren’t looneytunes really bad reps in the fandom communities.

There’s no one solution that will solve the problem of the maniacal fangirl and unfortunately most of them are too far gone to even see that they have a problem. Now, I’m not saying that all fangirls are crazy, or that all media directed towards them is bad – far from it – I’m just concerned that in desperate attempts to mimic a character or obsess over something fictional that they’re starting to lose more than just their minds; hello, nearly-naked cosplay outfits. Fangirls, try using actual clothing and not just lingerie, yeah?

Final Count:

Twilight – 0

Buffy – ALL THE POINTS

SHERLOCK and DOCTOR WHO SPOILERS ABOUND

Anyone who has had a five-minute conversation with me, has read any of my blogs, or has even looked at me knows I’m a feminist. I make no secret of it since I don’t think it’s something to be ashamed of. Do I want to over-throw the men of power and use them all as slaves (sex or otherwise)? No, no I don’t. Do I want all people to be treated and paid equally with the same constitutional rights? Absolutely, yes. So I can only hope everyone hears me when I say: I don’t see Moffat’s so-called sexism and misogyny in his shows. His personality could sure use some help, but he has created quite a few strong and successful women during his tenure running DOCTOR WHO and SHERLOCK.

The women of focus here are the most prominent in both series:

WHO-DOC: Amy Pond, River Song and Clara “Oswin” Oswald

SHERLOCK: Molly Hooper, Mrs. Hudson, Irene Adler and Mary Morstan

Amy Pond was one of my least favorite companions (trumped only by Martha Jones who was a waste of space, goddamn her). I found Amy annoying and Karen Gillan’s portrayal of her boring (nothing against Karen, I don’t dislike her at all) – and I still just can’t get past how she treated her future hubby Rory in Series 5. However, she was a good character. My nit-picking (and crazy love of Rory notwithstanding) had nothing to do with how she written, but more how she was acted. As far as characters go, she may have had an unhealthy fascination with The Doctor during her first series as a companion (as evident by trying to make-out with him the night before her wedding… Little did she know, she’d be mama in-law one day.) but she was a witty, strong-willed, competent character. She believed in The Doctor (who doesn’t?) but she believed in herself, too. (re: Riddell: “This is a two-man job! What are you doing?” / Amy: “I’m easily worth two men. But you can help if you like.”) My turning-point episode, The Girl Who Waited, is seen as one of Moffat’s more controversial episodes (Amy gets stuck in a different time-stream than Rory and The Doctor and has to wait like, 35 years, for them to pull her back into their time-stream. She becomes a badass warrior and survives on her own the entire time. The episode ends with Future-Amy being left behind to, presumably, die while The Doctor and Rory save Current-Amy. If you’re confused… It’s all just wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff. Go watch the show.) I happened to love the episode and it’s one of the few that really made appreciate how strong Amy was (and what all the crazy-Amy-loving-fans are obsessed with). She showed such resilience, and an unwillingness to give up at any cost which she then carried with her until the end of her run as a companion in Series 7. WATCH: “The Girl Who Waited”, “Dinosaurs on a Spaceship,” and “Angels Take Manhattan”

Few words can really show my deep love and connection with River Song (AKA Melody Pond, AKA Amy and Rory’s daughter who was raised in a different time stream, brainwashed to be a psychopathic assassin whose sole purpose was to kill The Doctor, and who decided instead, to fall in love with – and marry! – The Doctor.) Sexy, a master marksman, part Time-Lord, she is DOCTOR WHO’S answer to if Black Widow and Zoe Washburne (re: FIREFLY) had a lovechild. River Song was not only stubborn as an ox, she was brassy, just as clever as The Doctor, and (though not surprisingly) more logical than The Doctor (because most everyone is, really.) I can’t help but think that those who call Moffat’s female characters weak and shallow have never watched a single River Song episode. WATCH: “The Wedding of River Song,” “The Pandorica Opens,” and “The Name of the Doctor”

As for Clara “Oswin” Oswald, she is the closest we’ve gotten to any of the original WHO companions. She’s clever, loyal, impassioned and serves as a conscience to The Doctor when he can’t seem to find his. While that may not help her [or my] case (it could make her seem as if she’s only there to fill the role of the obligatory female companion), once Moffat reveals at the end of Series 7 that Clara has been watching over The Doctor since he initially stole the TARDIS how many hundreds of years ago, you realize that this companion, this girl, has been protecting him and guiding him since day one. She’s already saved him from how many threats, and we get to see her save him from himself on more than one occasion. WATCH: “Journey to the Center of the TARDIS,” “The Name of the Doctor,” and “50^TH Anniversary Special: The Day of the Doctor.”

Molly Hooper. Lovely, nerdy, smart, frumpy, socially awkward Molly Hooper. The one that mattered most. She literally saved Sherlock’s life. While Molly Hooper has spent basically the entire run of the show thus far pining after our beloved sociopath, she is shown to be intelligent in her own right. Looking at the little bit of information we know about her personal life (she has tried to connect with Sherlock on multiple occasions, “…[my father] was always cheerful, he was lovely. Except when he thought no one could see. I saw him once. He looked sad.”) She’s observant, understanding and warmer than anyone gives her credit for. While sure, those are all considered “feminine” traits, by the end of Series 3 she’s had enough of Sherlock’s shit (ZING!), and sees right through him. She might still appreciate his genius, but is done with his attitude – which for a person like Molly (shy, introverted, unable to really stand up for herself), who’s been run over and ignored and put down by Sherlock basically the entire first two series – it’s a huge mark of strength for her to take a stand against someone she cares so much about, slap him across his face (how she didn’t cut herself on Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones, I’ll never know), and tell him she’s ashamed of his actions. WATCH: “The Reichenbach Fall” and “His Last Vow”

The second great, supporting female character we get from SHERLOCK is the infamous Mrs. Hudson. She’s older, has had some life experience, is a bit of a proper English lady (save for the drug running and stripping from her more youthful days). She acts as a Wendy to the Lost Boys of 221B Baker Street. Another “feminine” character, she’s protective, loving, optimistic, open to any lifestyle (her upstairs tenant Mrs. Turner has married ones, after all), and she encourages dysfunctional brothers Sherlock and Mycroft to connect as much as possible. While she may not be a gun-toting badass, she portrays a very real older woman that would serve as landlady to this quite ridiculous group of overgrown children. The ability to create a realistic and relatable woman is hard enough, but Moffat succeeds in doing so even through all his sexism. WATCH: “A Study in Pink,” “A Scandal in Belgravia,” and “The Empty Hearse”

Ms. Irene Adler. The Femme Fatale to Sherlock’s PI. One of the biggest criticisms I’ve been privy to regarding the ever-elusive Ms. Adler is that she admits to John Watson that she’s gay, yet she’s believed to be in love with Sherlock Holmes, who is in fact, not a woman. I seem to be the only person who doesn’t have a problem with this. The term “gay” is, unfortunately, thrown around very loosely. Those who identify as bisexual (as well as pansexuals, queers, and every other category there is to describe someone’s sexuality) are most often referred to as “gay.” By Irene responding to John’s: “I’m not actually gay!” with a: “Well I am.” that doesn’t necessarily mean that she is strictly attracted to women. She was a dominatrix by trade, and made mention of quite a few of the men whom she had taken in for some kinky fun. Maybe Irene was merely making a point to shock John? Maybe she leans more towards women than men when it comes to romantic relationships. Either way, there is no reason for all the crazies out there to plot Moffat’s death by axe for making her a “bad” lesbian when he himself has said, “It’s love among the mad. He’s a psychopath, so is she.” WATCH: “A Scandal in Belgravia”

Lastly, we’ve got the killer for hire, trained assassin (my Spidey-Sense in tingling. Didn’t we just cover this one?) Mary Morstan. Anyone with half a brain can conclude from this psycho’s story that she is anything but weak. She’s prepared to kill Sherlock (probably not the best example) to protect John from finding out the truth about her past. She made a conscious decision to leave that life of murder and mayhem behind her because she fell in love with someone. That, to me, is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength to abandon the only thing you’ve ever known in order to pursue something (or in this case someone) that may not work out after all is said and done. Mary Morstan was cunning and manipulative which maybe are not two of her finer traits but she was also brilliant and resourceful – all things she shared with River Song. WATCH:  SHERLOCK Series 3

The complex, powerful and witty women Moffat (and Gatiss!) created were not one-dimensional sticks in the mud, but rather an ode to all the different women we have in the world. Each one was unique and tenacious in her own right, and I cannot fathom all the hate for these characters, and for Moffat himself. His unfortunate and unabashed misogynist comments that are circulating the internet have seemingly tainted the wonderful women he’s created, giving those anger-challenged folks at home fuel for their witch hunt. While I disagree with Moffat’s public persona (after all, we know how this crap can get twisted), I cannot and will not condemn him for “weak” female characters.

**None of this is to say that he doesn’t employ – or even over-use – some cliché attributes in each woman, but I think more than that the entire issue of his “weak” female characters is really an issue of femininity-vs-masculinity, and that’s a whole different conversation in and of itself.

The UK has been the stomping ground for some of the best science fiction the world has to offer. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, V FOR VENDETTA, THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, RED DWARF, H.G. Wells’ TIME MACHINE, WAR OF THE WORLDS and INVISIBLE MAN, and of course DOCTOR WHO. Probably nothing in the genre is more profound or influential than Aldous Huxley’s BRAVE NEW WORLD, as every sci-fi movie features shades of that classic. The UK science fiction film THE MACHINE seeks to join the ranks.

THE MACHINE has whispers of Huxley’s influence, of course, but really, most of its inspiration comes from Ridley Scott’s BLADE RUNNER (adapted from Philip K. Dick’s landmark short story, “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?”). THE MACHINE, written and directed by Caradog W. James (LITTLE WHITE LIES), posits a future where a Cold War with China has steeped western civilization into the deepest recession in history. Instead of a space race, or an arms race, the world is embroiled in a contest to create the first fully self-aware artificial intelligence. Enter brilliant computer programmer Vincent (BLACK SAILS’ Toby Stephens), under contract for the Ministry of Defence, trying to do just that.

We’ve gone down this road many times in the annals of sci-fi, but thankfully, THE MACHINE has a few new wrinkles and a slightly different take on the outcome.

Vincent is posited as a genius, and the only evidence we see of that is his frequent usage of the Turing Test, an experiment to determine whether a machine exhibits intelligent behavior. It isn’t until he stumbles upon Ava’s work, an American computer programmer whose program comes the closest to passing the Turing Test of anyone he’s administered, that they’re able to fashion a machine that (who?) is self-aware.

Before Ava comes on board to work for Vincent, we see many of the failed trials, as one android responds murderously to his line of questions, killing his poor assistant. It seems Vincent is blind to the dangers, and might be just as evil as his superiors, represented by Thomson (the excellently understated Denis Lawson, AKA WEDGE ANTILLES!!!). But really, he made a deal with the devil in order to save Mary’s life, his mentally handicapped daughter, who suffers from Red Syndrome. In artificial intelligence, he sees an avenue to repair the damage done to her brain, and allow her to outlive her frail and failing body.

Vincent has saved many lives through his experiments, repairing their war-addled brains with implants, but the survivors become mute afterwards, and merely used as guards around the base. It’s clear that these mute Implant guards have a portentous plot up their sleeves, especially when you take a peek at Thomson’s aide Suri (above, Pooneh Hajimohammadi) and the lot speak in some unique language of their own making on the sly. Plus, the bald and scarred guards look far too cool to just be set dressing.

Vincent doesn’t ask any questions of Thomson and the MoD, but Ava (ARROW’s Caity Lotz) is different/a normal inquisitive person. James (RESURRECTION’s Sam Hazeldine), a “patient,” secretly warns her that he’s being held captive, and that she must flee. Next thing you know, Thomson has orchestrated Ava’s murder. Because Vincent and Ava have “fallen in love” (?), and let’s be honest Vincent is a little creepy, when he activates Quantum, the first self-aware machine, he models her/it after Ava.

Through her work on ARROW as the Canary, Caity Lotz has quickly established herself as one of the most physical and badass young actresses in Hollywood. That reputation only grows with THE MACHINE, as she plays a wide eyed, loving and conscientious, but unsettling and dangerous machine capable of almost anything. Lotz toes the line between creepy and endearing quite well in the role, necessary because we never know what she’s truly thinking (or if she’s capable of such wide ranging thought).

In Ava, Vincent sees the future, as Thomson merely sees a weapon that can turn the tide in an all-out war that’s brewing. The two jockey for the Machine’s allegiances, each training them differently and separately, until they finally reach a crescendo of conflict by the end, as Vincent finally rages against the real Machine, the government.

I loved the idea of a Cold War with China, and a race for intelligent machines, and wished we got more of a glimpse into this dystopian future. Instead, we’re almost primarily stuck in the dark, dank confines of Vincent’s lab and the shadowy MoD station.

THE MACHINE reiterates the dangers of artificial intelligence, but mostly harps on the evils of government and control, and the potential that self-aware machines have, and what amazing things the technology could accomplish. Its message is hardly revolutionary, or new, but thanks to Caity Lotz’s convincing turn as the titular android, the Implants, and some cool visuals and flairs, THE MACHINE is a worthy sci-fi entry from Caradog W. James and company.

THE MACHINE is available on iTunes VOD now, and arrives in theatres on April 25^th.

Crossovers have long been a part of the TV landscape. Most recently, Jerry Bruckheimer Productions has shuffled its cast of “characters” between COLD CASE and CSI: NY, or various combinations of CSI, CSI: MIAMI and CSI: NY. CSI & WITHOUT A TRACE also got in on the action.

But they’ve been around for a long time. Green Hornet and Kato appeared on an episode of Adam West and Burt Ward’s BATMAN. Characters from practically every crew in STAR TREK have met each other at one star date or another. Many shows have concluded storylines on other shows, like Andy Griffith on DIAGNOSIS: MURDER.

Can I beeee on any more shows?

90’s sitcoms featured a treasure trove of crossovers, as Chandler Bing of FRIENDS fame appeared on a show called CAROLINE IN THE CITY, and Lea Thompson (the titular Caroline) also made it on FRIENDS. Ross Gellar showed up on an episode of THE SINGLE GUY, which seems about right.

Kramer showed up on MAD ABOUT YOU. Carl Reiner reprised his role of Alan Brady from the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW on MAD ABOUT YOU. Phoebe’s twin sister Ursula (from FRIENDS) started as a character on MAD ABOUT YOU. Helen Hunt and MAD ABOUT YOU got around.

CHEERS & WINGS had a symbiotic relationship. Dr. Crane appeared on the JOHN LARROQUETE SHOW. Steve Urkel checked into FULL HOUSE and STEP BY STEP and John Stamos plays himself in STEP BY STEP, potentially forever altering the space-time continuum in the process.

Ray Romano and Kevin James have both appeared on their counterpart’s respective shows. Ray Barone (which is apparently Ray’s last name in EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND) appeared on COSBY, THE NANNY and BECKER. Everybody truly loved Raymond.

While we’re clearly living in a golden age of TV, the 80’s and 90’s were a magical time, but the fun doesn’t stop there.

The holy trinity was achieved much later, in the deplorable 00’s, by the Disney Channel when HANNAH MONTANA, THAT’S SO RAVEN and THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK & CODY merged for an ungodly episode called “That’s So Suite Life of Hannah Montana.”

I can’t go a few minutes without mentioning something related to Joss Whedon, and his vampire shows ANGEL and BUFFY featured many of the same characters popping in and out and storylines that directly affected the other. Beyond that, Whedonites will tell you that the entire Whedonverse is connected.

There are a billion more (especially when you expand the net to include spinoffs or animated shows), but why isn’t there a network dedicated to it? Why aren’t producers and their production companies teaming up to produce seamless hours of interconnected, Easter Egg laden entertainment?

It’s exhausting, expensive, and likely, implausible in many respects. But…come on.

This year, Jason Katims has staged a little fun with his three TV shows on NBC: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, PARENTHOOD and ABOUT A BOY, highlighting the promise and potential.

Even before Katims staged an “official” crossover between FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS and PARENTHOOD, the shows were very much similar in mood, tone and actors. Almost every time a story necessitated a recurring guest star, Katims simply borrowed from his FNL alumni, oftentimes recycling their skillset or going against the grain, but always to comedic/wonderful effect.

Then “Friday Night at the Luncheonette” happened where Dillon, TX traveled to Berkeley, CA for a performance of Crucifictorious, the (3rd) greatest fictional band of all-time (Random Rankings column coming soon!). Amber (Mae Whitman) is manning the Luncheonette, Crosby and Adam’s recording studio, when LanceLandry shows up with the band and tears the place down with their set, thanks to Billy Riggins and a bunch of beer. It’s beautiful, hilarious bliss to see these characters again, mingling with Amber and Max.

Here’s the whole thing:

Jason Katims didn’t stop there. When ABOUT A BOY, NBC’s newest schmaltzy comedy that stars David Walton and Minnie Driver, premiered on February 22nd, the circle expanded further, another Katims Konnection. In fact, it existed already HAVING a crossover, as star David Walton had a cameo in a poker game on a previous episode of PARENTHOOD:

That’s Walton almost not in the shot on the right. Turnabout is fair play, however, as PARENTHOOD’s Crosby (Dax Shepard; we see the back of his head in the above shot) appears in ABOUT A BOY in Will Freeman’s very own poker game.

What can we derive from this? Jason Katims likes poker, the Bay Area (both shows are set in the SF area) and that he has fun playing with the audience a little bit. Here’s how Katims described the happenstance to EW:

“The one that aired on Parenthood was so subtle because people don’t know [About a Boy] yet, but I kinda liked that — not say anything about it and putting it out there,” Katims said. “When Dax comes on to About a Boy it will be very different. It’s going to be a cameo. It won’t be what the episode is going to be about. We’re doing it in ways that feel real and organic to the shows…I’ve never done anything like that before…it seemed like a natural thing to do.”

I’m not sure he can say that he’s never done anything like that before, considering what we already know about the incestuous relationship between FNL and PARENTHOOD, but I believe him when he says that it’s just a one and done thing.

But why should it be?

Cardigans.

Why are superhero movies, and in particular, the incestuous (in a good way) Marvel Cinematic Universe films, the only piece of popular entertainment that can crossover? The same benefits apply to any other show. In fact, you could argue the benefits might be even bigger for TV.

In this day and age, nobody watches a particular network out of loyalty or habit, unless they’re 67 years old and incapable of watching anything that doesn’t have a CSI or NCIS or L&O in the title. By creating an expanded universe within a roster of specific shows, and utilizing web series and webisodes and exclusive content online, a network rewards fandom, and gives viewers that watch more than one of their shows a certain cache. It incentivizes the relationship between TV and consumer, and rewards multiple viewings, plays into the DVR crowd, and will spark debate and fanfare in an age dominated by that very thing.

In the comic book world, it’s why Marvel and DC continually piss fanboys off by whipping up company wide crossovers year after year, and why fanboys always buy them. Because they’re inherently cool, whether they blow or not, because they have ramifications and you won’t want to be left out in the cold watching THAT 70’S SHOW reruns (though there are worse fates).

It’s certainly a lot more effort, and money (actors wanna be paid, yo), but the upside is tremendous, as evidenced by the number of articles and interest that came out of just these crossovers, and these shows are low rated chump change in the scheme of things. Going further with this idea would also promote cohesion among writers and producers and this sort of collaboration would likely increase the quality of TV thanks to the old adage of friendly competition. You don’t want to be the one who doesn’t know how to write Ron Swanson, or doesn’t use him correctly, when he pops on CHICAGO FIRE to save the day with his homemade fire hose.

Speaking of, NBC’s crossovers don’t just revolve around Jason Katims. LAW & ORDER creator Dick Wolf is also getting in on the fun, with CHICAGO FIRE, CHICAGO PD and soon, LAW & ORDER: SVU, swapping characters. Therein lies the rub: most shows can only crossover if they share the same producer or creator or at the very least, production company. Hollywood’s needlessly complicated that way. Two shows might very well air on FOX on the same night, but they might be partially owned by different studios, or filmed on a Sony Studios lot, or in Vancouver.

It’d take a concentrated effort, a regime change, or a brand new network starting from scratch to pull this off. Or a network with nothing to lose and the infrastructure already intact. Go to Vancouver, and you’ll find that that’s where EVERY CW show is shot, and considering ARROW, TOMORROW PEOPLE and FLASH (with the potential for BIRDS OF PREY and SUICIDE SQUAD out there) already share the superhero DNA (with FLASH literally being an ARROW spinoff), the CW is halfway there. And if they can somehow make ARROW viewers watch HART OF DIXIE because Diggle shows up to bang Rachel Bilson, and find a way to merge these combating audiences (though ARROW is pretty much a soap opera with tights 87% of the time), CW is all of a sudden a buzzy network.

That’s an awful, lame example, but imagine an age when Stephen Amell’s Ollie could pop in on FOX’s GOTHAM, or NBC’s CONSTANTINE, or AMC’s PREACHER? Some of that sounds awful, but who knows? Networks will never allow this to happen, mind you, but this sort of bold maneuver might be exactly what they need to compete with cable and the myriad of online avenues for original content. It’d also send fan fiction writers into a tizzy.

Think about it, and in the comments, give me some of your dream TV crossovers!

To confess that it’s rocked a few friendships maybe isn’t that shocking, but I am still not ashamed to admit that I have never seen STAR WARS, nor do I have any direct intention to. Not to say that if it’s on or some buddies want to watch it I’ll run for the hills screaming, but I won’t put it on of my own accord. Why? Because I don’t need to. And I am no less of a nerd for having not watched it.

Everyone loves STAR WARS. And what do people do when they love something? They talk about it. Constantly. (LOST, anyone? I never even finished Season 1 because the entire series was spoiled for me by the daily chatter and buzz about it.) I already know the plot twists (Thanks, PITCH PERFECT! But not really.) and have a general idea of what each installation is about, so why do I need to waste an entire day watching it? I like to maintain a spoiler-free zone at all times.

“But, hey! What about all it did for science fiction and film in general! You can’t deny it was revolutionary!”

I never said it wasn’t. I can appreciate how something was revolutionary and changed cinema without liking it (CITIZEN KANE? Who actually likes that movie?) or even watching it. I can respect STAR WARS and George Lucas all the same and still avoid sitting through R2D2 and Yoda for hours on end.

The big question I keep getting slammed with is: Why do I feel that STAR WARS should not be the golden standard to which we hold nerds and nerd-pride? Well, to me it seems to be the opposite. Why is STAR WARS the big kahuna? Why is STAR WARS the be-all-end-all? Without having seen it, I can only infer from the spoilers I’ve been privy to, that it was a largely generic story, albeit with a couple good twists and turns and a sci-fi journey that maybe hadn’t been seen before. But was it actually good? CITIZEN KANE –while it makes me want to gauge my eyes out – was a good movie. It was well-made, beautifully written, superbly acted… it just wasn’t my thing.

From all I’ve heard about STAR WARS, all the OMG STAR WARS, WTF U HAVEN’T SEEN IT and DISNEY’S GOING TO RUIN IT, I haven’t been told a single reason as to why everyone loves it so much. Colorful weapons, philosophical aliens, shiny robots, cool. I can get that pretty much anywhere, so why STAR WARS? Was it well-made, beautifully written, or superbly acted? In all the things I’ve heard and read about STAR WARS, I have never been witness to anyone commenting on the quality of the components individually, only the film as a whole. (Which, to be fair, was still mostly ERMAHGERD LERT SERBERS or drooling over the drones or whatever. I won’t pretend to know what they’re called.) Are being “revolutionary” and “good” mutually inclusive? From where I sit on my tiny soap box that’s covered in rotten tomatoes, no. They aren’t.

“Well, then you aren’t a real nerd!”

Ergo, my nerd-cred is then slammed for my aversion to STAR WARS every time it comes up, but I am still a nerd. (Sorry, folks!) I absolutely considered getting a GAME OF THRONES tattoo (I already have one for DOCTOR WHO!) and I am proud to say that I probably have more X-MEN comics than you.

But, if it’s so important to judge nerd (or is it fanboy? A topic for another time) culture and popularity, why shouldn’t it be on something absurdly impressive and noteworthy? Let’s take a vote on how many of us have seen all the original episodes of DOCTOR WHO: the longest running science fiction show in the history of television. At final count I believe it was 784 Classic episodes. And that’ not including any mini-movies, radio episodes, or any other DW narratives that used to air. I’m only halfway through season 1, but that’s probably a whole lot further than the rest of you self-proclaimed nerds.

Time permitting I’ll eventually finish up BATTLESTAR GALACTICA and all the STAR TREK series’. I own all the extended editions of LORD OF THE RINGS – am slightly embarrassed at how many times I’ve watched them – and the complete ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES (in hardback leather binding, no less). I have no words to express how I feel about X-MEN: THE LAST STAND and am more hesitant than I’d like to admit about upcoming CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER. I refuse to borrow any books even if it’s only to read them once; I MUST OWN THEM. And I faithfully watch BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER all the way through seasons 1-7, once a year every year.

But my nerd-cred, no matter how big or how small, is thoroughly dismissed by all the “real nerds” because I choose to remain a STAR WARS virgin. I vote we abolish all the nerd-shaming and competition over who has bigger glasses and higher wasted jeans. In the hippie spirit of my motherland, Berkeley, California: Stop the nerdism. Love the nerds.

#NerdLove

NOTE: The images were chosen by your faithful editor, who happens to like CITIZEN KANE.

Oftentimes, I’m on my own, and that’s fine by me. If I waited for my friends to do something, or only did activities that appealed to them, I’d likely never get out of the house. Ever since I crumpled my acceptance form to the University of Washington, merely 15 minutes away from home, and took on the sojourn to an unknown, tiny town in upstate New York for college, many of my best times have come from my willingness to do exactly this. To just go, and see what my whims or instincts, or Yelp’s, Guy Fieri’s or Rick Steves’ instincts, will carry me into.

This random Saturday (Feb. 8th) in Los Angeles was one such day. I had a meeting for work (that I’m not at liberty to discuss at this time), and found myself in Hollywood on a sunny, glorious afternoon with nothing to do. The kind of conundrum people in Boston and NY wish they had right now.

I could bus back home (I’m one of the only LA residents who actually uses the infrequent, plodding and frustrating Metro system), or I could walk.

A lot.

Because I didn’t really bother zooming in on the Google Map of my phone, and because I had all the time in the world (a wonderful feeling), I decided it was time to make a Joss Whedon-tinged pilgrimage, and see what happens. That led to a roughly 4.3 mile jaunt down Vine (then Rossmore), then east on Wilshire, arriving at 4121 Wilshire Blvd, hoping this location still existed.

En route, I basically stumbled through one of the richest parts of LA, including past the infamous El Royale Apartments (above), erected in 1927 by William Douglas Lee, and keeping people erect until today. Check out the view and the inside:

Here are some other neat, massive apartment buildings likely filled with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s illegitimate children. Is it me or does the first one kind of look like an insane asylum, or a corporate building owned by Max Schreck or something? The day time maybe doesn’t sell that thought.

I sped past the Wilshire Country Club, keenly aware that I was the only one walking around (and not in a luxury vehicle). I also realized that I probably shouldn’t be snapping pictures at private homes, especially since many of them have legitimate security guards watching the house 24/7. I did anyway. Here are a few places I’d settle to live in:

For whatever reason, my recurring daydream involved bumping into Seth Rogen and smoking a blunt with him. I don’t even smoke. Not sure why it didn’t include a hot older woman who was antsy at home, like a Michelle Pfeiffer type. But I’m weird.

I also imagined actually living in a house like these, and while I liked some of the architecture, even if I could ever afford it, I just don’t think LA is where I’d want to live. Of course, if I ever find myself in that position, I’d likely sell out faster than I’d last during a sexual experience with Jennifer Garner (circa ALIAS days).

If this photo wasn’t taken from an iPhone, maybe it’d look more impressive. This is the view from Wilshire. Can it get any more Hollywood than this picture? Well, add droves of tourists, an empty tour bus, a hot dog stand and a dude dressed up as a Transformer, and you’d pretty much have it.

But enough of this shit. Finally, after a long ass walk, I reached the Hyperion Hotel, the sweet exterior location of Angel, Cordy, Gunn, Fred and Wesley’s base for seasons 2-4 of ANGEL.

BEHOLD!

The base was described by production designer Stuart Blatt as “an old hotel, something [the writers] could use to evoke the past of Los Angeles and some of Angel’s history, something kind of creepy and spooky but not too dark because they didn’t want something depressing…” It certainly fit the bill, and became the most iconic location on the show, aside from Cordelia’s chest. Clearly it stuck with David Boreanaz, as the hotel was even mentioned in a season 2 episode of BONES. It also got talked up in another Whedon classic, DOLLHOUSE.

In 1999, the apartment building, the Los Altos Apartments, was listed on the National Register of Historical Places. It was built in 1925 and was used as a luxury apartment and hotel for Clara Bow, Bette Davis, Mae West, Douglas Fairbanks and a little guy named William Randolph Hearst. I mean, they’re no Angel or Fred, but impressive nonetheless. AND YOU CAN STILL LIVE IN IT. RIGHT NOW.

While I was there, soaking all this in, a guard popped out and asked if I lived there. The guy’s either an idiot (I was a sweaty dude wearing a backpack taking pictures), or more likely, was using this question to get me off the property. I left pretty soon after, instead of staking the bastard, or claiming that I used to live in the house….fifty years ago. Either way, the nerd inside me was tingly all over during this experience.

If you want to live in such esteemed company, it’s only $1,850/month for a studio. A 2 bedroom apartment could be had for up to $3,600/month. What a steal.

I thought about turning around and going back the way I came back up to Hollywood, but thankfully I wasn’t a moron, and wandered toward Koreatown (or K-Town, if you think that’s cool to say).

In the heart of it, it appeared to be only hair salons and restaurants. My afternoon’s success called for one thing: BEER.

And that’s when I stumbled upon one of the best places to get beer and fatty foods in LA: Beer Belly.

Beer Belly is one of those “nice” places that serve craft beer and “classy” ways to ingest macaroni and cheese, pulled pork and french fries. I love these places, even if they’re overpriced.

I had the Duck Fat Fries, served with Raspberry Mustard (awesome), their “Frankenstein” ketchup (maybe even better) and a couple great beers. The fries were far too salty, but still fantastic, though I couldn’t help but want more duck than the duck skin cracklins and the duck fat oil the fries were drenched in. That probably means I’m getting Death by Duck next time, which is the duck fat fries with duck confit on top. Holy hell.

Their beer menu changes daily (the bathroom had a chalkboard advertising a keg opening on a Sunday, with deals occurring until the keg ran out), and after sampling a watery Irish Red from TAPS (of Brea, CA), I settled on the Holiday Spruce Ale from Craftsman Brewing Company based in Pasadena. As one might expect, it was like sipping on a Christmas tree, and that somehow translated into me calling it a smooth, easy drinking beer in my notes. I need help.

I followed that up with Modern Times’ Lost Horizon, a double IPA from the holy land that is San Diego. The beer itself was on the verge of being one of those IPA’s that’s just hoppy as hell because it’s supposed to impress you, without much in the way of flavor, but it skated by that potential catastrophe, thanks in large part to smelling like happiness. For more of my thoughts on beer, check out Untappd.

Beer Belly would’ve demanded future visits if only for the beer….but the food. I must try their Grilled Cheese, which has 4 kinds of cheese (Asiago, Gruyere, Cheddar, Goat Cheese), topped with bacon and a heaping portion of maple syrup. I could smell it all over the place, which made me hard and disgusted at the same time.

Bree, my delightful server, also recommended the Buttermilk Fried Chicken and the beer & chipotle braised short rib. I almost came on the spot, and somehow managed to resist ordering EVERYTHING on the menu. They have deep fried pop tarts, people. Bree also bought my second beer for me, so I was in love/tricked into tipping more to make up for the “savings.” One of my other notes about the place: “I want to be inside all the waitresses.” Real classy Andy. Beer Belly rules.

Before I had settled upon Beer Belly, I discovered another place for future reference. While I said earlier I’m fine going almost everywhere alone…this demanded company. This demanded a whole night dedicated to its revelry. This demanded Leonardo DiCaprio. Check out…

CAFE JACK. I don’t know where to begin with this place. It’s been themed after the TITANIC since 2007, merely TEN years after the movie came out. But that’s better than never to put a kitschy boat in a sketchy parking lot, where one buys coffee and sushi (they have a “Jack and Rose” sushi roll). It’s gotta be a stop on a Bachelorette party, or an ironic date with a game partner, or a place to get plastered at. It need to be on everyone’s itinerary.

The reviews are mixed, as one might expect, but that hasn’t deterred me from telling everyone I know about this place, in hopes that it can kick off a bizarre bar crawl.

With a spring in my step, I walked past Biergarten, then turned around and stared at the bar for a moment. I wavered on whether or not to grab another beer, or continuing on back up to Hollywood (I had an improv show to go to)…but it was that kind of day, and I sauntered in after a few moments hesitation. Plus I past this guy, who made the decision for me:

No idea.

Within moments, I realized that while trekking up Western, I had stepped in pungent dog shit, and I mistakenly brought it in with me to Biergarten. I quickly ordered a beer, and then stomped my entire body on the parking lot outside, rubbing my soles against the grass, to no avail. From there, I went to the bathroom and wiped the poop off of my shoes with paper towels, while the server was confused if I was staying or leaving. I still haven’t been able to get all of the poop off those shoes.

Needless to say, it was a fantastic entrance to a bar, let alone a Korean/German hybrid sports bar with one of the better beer menus I’d seen in LA. They have German fried rice, drunken chicken, and peanut butter sliders, apparently, but this was a beer-as-dinner sort of day.

I went with the Hop Tanker, a 9% double IPA, and it felt like heaven. If heaven gives you a hangover, an empty wallet and was from El Segundo. It had some great citrus and fruit on the tongue, while still remaining a kick in the pants.

Because I’m an idiot (and brilliant), I tried The Dudes’ Brewing Company’s Juicebox Series: Blood Orange, based out of LA (seen above). It was strong, overly sweet and thick, like the Big Lebowski fanbase, but it also kind of tasted like sweat. I was not a fan, but there wasn’t anything that I disliked about the concept.

Then I was off, to make it up to Hollywood. I got there in plenty of time to spare for the Doctor Who themed improv show that awaited me at iOwest (alumni from the entire iO program include Pete from 30 ROCK, Stephen Colbert, Andy Dick, Chris Farley, Tina Fey, Dave Foley, Neil Flynn, Jon Favreau, Dave Koechner, Lutz, Jack McBrayer, Seth Meyers, Tim Meadows, Amy Poehler, Mike Meyers, Danny Pudi, Key & Peele, Vince Vaughn, Jason Sudekis, Adam McKay, Eric Stonestreet, Glenn from THE WALKING DEAD and many more).

You know what that meant: more beer. Next up was the Blue Palms Brewhouse, another pub with a great beer list, including two of their own (brewed by Firestone Walker).

I started off with the aptly named Blitzen (from Faction Brewing of Alameda, CA), which was what made the Doctor Who Live! so much better than it really was. My quote for the beer: “Hell yes this is dangerous and hell yes I want all of it inside me.”

I followed it up with one of their own beers, the Blue Palms IPA, which was as bland and lame as any IPA you’ve ever had. Firestone apparently doesn’t care when there name isn’t on it. It was impressive that I could even distinguish anything at this point, but the bucket of salty pretzel balls surely helped (a bucket of salty pretzel balls ALWAYS helps, even if they burn your hand off). I was told to order the Truffle Burger next time I was there.

(Note: the next day I would randomly find myself back at the Blue Palms Brewhouse, and sampled their esteemed Truffle Burger, which was as rich and over-the-top as you might’ve expected. Not sure how much I truly loved it, but it was great.)

I found this hilarious at the time, and still do.

I finally arrived at iOwest, where I believe I had another beer while waiting for the show to start (because it was late), and talked football (GO HAWKS) at the bar with a couple folks, including a Minnesota Vikings fan and (gasp) a woman (no idea what team she was into).

I’d be lying if I said I internalized most of the show, but I still had a blast, and enjoyed the festivities, likely more because of the concept than many of the jokes. Crafting a new doctor, new companions and getting a different time period or locale every show highlights how the real show has lasted 50 years, and how an improv show based on it can last just as long.

Perfect photo for a caption contest.

Afterwards, it was time for another beer. Kidding: I took the bus and went sweet sleepy time. But before I did, I took a picture of the most important star on Hollywood Blvd: