Blessedly, the Syfy creature feature and wannabe Sharknado is everything you want it to be.

It has a shirtless, sweaty and self-aware Steve Guttenberg, who not only calls out act breaks, but complains to his agent: “I hate bugs. I can’t be in a bug movie.” Arni, his smarmy agent played by Danny Woodburn, yells back: “You’re in a bug movie!”

Side-stepping the bug/insect wormhole (spiders aren’t insects, guys), Lavalantula also features too many bad one liners to count.

It has bad CGI and even worse acting.

It has the world’s most lopsided love triangle between Colton’s son Wyatt, a super cool biker, and Travis, a super annoying biker.

It has a Sharknado crossover that will question your entire existence, and make you ponder the possibility that all of Syfy’s creature features exist in a single cinematic universe that would make Marvel jealous.

It has a Police Academy reunion, teaming the Gutte with Michael Winslow, Marion Ramsey and Leslie Easterbrook, names that will only mean anything to you if you’ve watched Police Academy hung over.

Lavalantula opens with Guttenberg getting a pounding during an interrogation, taking punch after bloody punch from that guy in 24 (Carlos Bernard). We learn that Guttenberg is a former Green Beret, CIA operative, a Medal of Honor winner and the head of the Black Cobra Society (just like in real life). We also learn that he’s none of those things, and that he’s filming a movie. Yup, Lavalantula is one of those. Guttenberg is actually Colton West, a down ‘n out former action star, now known for his criminal record rather than the blockbuster superhero flick Red Rocket.

He’s got a wife who’s pissed at him (played by Nia Peeples) and a son who’s pissed at him (whose name would illicit exactly no recognition from anyone reading this), and a career on Life Alert.

Luckily for him, and the audience, what’s supposed to happen over a million years happens overnight. Lavalantula answers the age old question that has haunted LA residents: is it possible for LA traffic to get any worse? Yes. All it takes is an ancient volcano (?!) in the Santa Monica mountains (!!) erupting all over the 405, because volcanos and spiders become one or something Mayan, and we’re treated to fire breathing spiders destroying all of your favorite Los Angeles landmarks.

Lavalantula is the right kind of ridiculous for a Friday night with your pals, or for when you’re playing hooky from work on a Monday afternoon. This is a movie that gleefully murders dogs, love triangles and the elderly with equal relish.

At one point, Guttenberg hijacks a StarLine tour bus, breaking the fourth, fifth and sixth wall in the process. Onboard, he meets Sandlot and Mean Green superstar Patrick Renna as Chris, a super fan of Colton West’s.

Yup, it’s everything you wanted.

Syfy fashioned Lavalantula to become the next Sharknado, greenlighting a sequel last summer after its broadcast premiere (with a title of 2 Lava 2 Lantula). There have unfortunately been scant updates since, but one can hope we haven’t seen the last of Sweaty Steve and company.

In the meantime, Lavalantula is available on demand and is out on DVD and Blu-Ray.

Drinking Game

1. Drink every time there’s a self aware reference to the fact that Steve Guttenberg *GASP* is a washed up actor.
2. Take a sip for every cheesy action movie one liner that would make Ahnuld litigious. Example: “No fare, no ride.” Cue: shotgun.
3. Drink every time there’s a Los Angeles reference. Since this is the most LA movie I’ve ever seen, this might be the only rule you need.
4. I don’t think you need me to tell you to drink any time someone says “Lavalantula,” but drink double whenever someone says “Mamalantula,” which yes, does happen.
5. Drink for every news report.
6. Take a drink for every different kind of weapon used to dispatch the evil lavalantulas.
7. Whenever a costumed character on Hollywood boulevard is massacred, drink. [Technically, this is double dipping with Rule #3, but it’s worth it]
8. Finish your drink when Steve Guttenberg becomes a literal superhero.

Extra Credit: Drink for every tremor.

Disclaimer: Please drink responsibly and don’t drink and drive. Sleep on a friend’s couch or sober up by watching Police Academy 1-4.

Before we had popped WolfCop into the Blu-Ray player, it already had one of the all-time great movie titles, blessed with an even better slogan: “Half man. Half wolf. All cop.”

Little did we know that, as a ripoff of the Charmed theme song played over the opening credits, we had stumbled upon a revolting monstrosity that revolutionizes film.

Before he becomes WolfCop, or the-man-who-will-change-human-history, we meet a hung over Sergeant Lou Garou (Leo Fafard in a role that proves being unfortunately hairy can make some sort of a career). Loup-garou is werewolf in French, and you know writer-director Lowell Dean is proud of himself, because the sergeant is never referred to as anything else besides Lou Garou for the duration of the film. Not that I blame Lowell Dean, who sounds like the guy you most want to punch at a house party, because Lou Garou is brilliant.

He’s also a drunk, as he drinks and pukes before he even gets in his car on his way to work in the morning (he pretty much is a modern day Lon Chaney Jr.). Because I suspect the small town of Woodhaven (Anytown, Canada) doesn’t have many other choices, the annoying Chief of police (Aidan Devine) can only complain about his drinking habits rather than actually doing anything about it.

Besides, he has Tina (Amy Matysio), the employee of the month every month at the Woodhaven Police Department, which might be impressive if the only other cop wasn’t a guy who literally pukes on his way to work (he also does every cliché thing a drunk person can do on the job). Tina is the best; she’s clearly supposed to be the overachiever character, but after about two scenes, she stops giving a shit. At one point she jokes around with a severed face at a crime scene. Woodhaven is hilarious.

And Woodhaven is going through a super (not) important election, one of those small plot points that is purposefully vague to avert suspicion over an INSANE PLOT TWIST to come! WolfCop is expertly crafted; the town is entering hunting season, but because of the string of animal-related murders (initially linked to the legend of the Woodhaven Walking Bear, but we know better), the town wide festival Drink ‘N Shoot has to be cancelled (because drunk hunting is so safe to begin with). This is a massive controversy, since drinking and shooting are Woodhaven citizens’ favorite things, and the act of combining them was likely akin to religious nirvana/2 for 1 Molson’s.

Lou is a disgusting drunk who sucks at everything, but that doesn’t stop the, ahem, massively talented bartender Jessica (Sarah Lind) from flirting like crazy with him. But it’s all a part of the masterful web that Lowell Dean has spun around us, like a suffocating cocoon of B-movie-ness.

After a confusing, bizarre cult-y ritual involving the murder/sacrifice of an innocent, The Beast migrates into Lou Garou, and WolfCop officially transforms into the greatest movie of all-time.

I don’t think I’ve ever taken better notes than I did for this movie. The following excerpts tell you all you need to know about this movie:

• “Wolfdick!”
• “Wolfsbane eggs”
• “Pees on kids”
• “Claws on tits”
• “Hot bitch = old bitch”
• “WOLF ROOFIES”
• “Wolfcop Rap”

WolfCop is groundbreaking; to the best of my knowledge, it’s the first monster transformation that begins with a dick, in a moment that I described in my notes as “Un fucking believable.” The whole sequence was inexplicable, one of those moments where you look around the room to confirm that you didn’t just hallucinate it. Before that moment, WolfCop was whatever; afterwards, WolfCop was everything you wanted it to be.

When Willie Higgins (Jonathan Cherry), Lou Garou’s duplicitous redneck sidekick, is confronted with his pal’s change, he blurts: “You’re a wolf.” Our titular hero responds: “Cop.” WolfCop has shattered the fourth wall. Writer-director Lowell Dean is practically wagging his hairy wolfdick in front of us.

When the WolfCop transforms, it’s like he’s hatching out of his skin, tearing out of it completely. It’s gross/awesome. How does it grow back, you might wonder? Science simply hasn’t reached the point where this phenomenon can be explained; it may very well be beyond the scope of human intelligence.

Not only is it a hoot, WolfCop inspires intelligent discourse and important discussions. “If the only conversation between two named female characters is about not simply a man, but a Wolfcop, does that mean it passes the Bechdel test,” a friend of mine pondered.

There’s a self-aware wolf sex scene (“You fucked the wolf out of him, that’s gross.”). The tried and true pimp my ride sequence. There are Liquor Donuts, which might just be the name of a liquor store donut shop hybrid, or the greatest amalgamation after Wolf-Cop.

Every moment is pure bad movie bliss. By the time WolfCop had finished, a glorious Space Jam-like rap erupting amid the chaos, Lowell Dean had us in the palm of his considerably talented hands. Like the mad genius he is, he sprung the trap, announcing WolfCop II, coming in 2015, like Lou Garou was a Marvel character. But wait. IT IS 2015! WolfCop II could be coming any day.

The franchise possibilities are endless. What other jobs would you like to see a wolf do? I’m holding out for WolfAccountant, just in time for tax season.

Drinking Game Rules:

1. Sips for nips. This is a house rule where I live and normally goes without saying, but it deserved to be said for this film.
2. Drink whenever Lou Garou drinks. Whenever the WolfCop drinks….FINISH YOUR DRINK.
3. Sip for every werewolf transformation. Expert Version: Waterfall during every transformation.
4. Whenever there’s bad police work going on, be sure to have a drink.
5. Drink any time you get a glimpse into Lou Garou’s hilarious notebook.
6. Whenever the movie title is said, you gotta drink.

WOLFCOP arrives on DVD, Blu-Ray and VOD this March 10^th, 2015. This piece of film history can be yours on Blu-Ray for the incredible price of $12.99 from Amazon. 

Aren’t you tired of Oscar prestige pictures? Or $200 million Watchowski messes? Or Spongebob? Or Jeff Bridges?

If so, look no further than RLJ Entertainment’s Frankenstein vs. The Mummy, a monster movie that has at least five minutes of the battle you’re waiting the entire movie for. And even so, it’s better than Dracula Untold and would serve as a better pilot for a shared Universal universe. Damien Leone (who writes, edits, directs and does the SFX for this movie) has made a very mediocre to bad movie, but gore aplenty and surprisingly impressive makeup/FX saves it from disaster land. Booze also helps, but more on that later.

First, the PLOT! “Professor F” (Max Rhyser) buys a “fresh” brain from the most terrifying janitor you’ll ever see (so scary his presence doesn’t even show up on IMDb; he’s like Wormtail times 100), presumably for his reanimation experiments. He’s shocked when the gap-toothed, stringy gray haired mad man comes back with a brain (like an hour later in the movie, mind you) of a man he killed himself. Max Rhyser is one of the more unlikely Doctor Frankenstein’s you’ll ever see; he looks like a douchey European club soccer player/Viktor Krum.

In the meantime, Victor Frankenstein teaches Philosophy of Medicine to disinterested students who are definitely the same age as him in what feels like a community college, except across the hallway, Dr. Naihla Khalil (Ashton Leigh in a palatable performance) and company have made one of the greatest discoveries….EVER. A Mummy from the 6th dynasty, y’all! And they touch him with their bare hands! Professor Walton, the leader of the expedition who looks like a mix between Pyat Pree of Game of Thrones and a shrunken Voldemort head (he looks more like a Mummy than the Mummy), even uses the Mummy as a desk, placing his clipboard on it as he works on it, tapping its teeth with his pencil. This follows the tradition of scientists, anthropologists, whatever’s being moronic in Universal movies, so I allow it, and cherish these moments.

Victor and Naihla, of course, have a love story, albeit a confusing one. It feels like they’re already together when they first meet…except they then go on their first date (“What’s your address?”). Victor reveals that his Mom killed herself and he stayed with her dead corpse in the bath tub for a few days until the police came, and before you know it, Victor and Naihla are fucking. This is a lesson to all of us: just be honest to people.

It takes 50 minutes or so before The Mummy finally comes to life, and even afterwards, Professor Walton’s villainous turn gets much of the screentime, as he lures students into his lab at 10 PM to murder them/offer them internships, because I guess the Mummy can’t leave the lab?

The Mummy does look cool, however. His ears, nose and giblets were chopped off prior to embalming (because he was a very bad man), and this adds to his look. There’s also a tremendously bloody and hilarious scene where he repeats this process on someone else, scoping for body parts.

Frankenstein’s Monster looks terrifyingly ugly, and thankfully he’s naked or wearing a leather jacket for most of the movie. We also get to see Frank SMOKE. So much for being afraid of fire. Frankenstein’s Monster is evil and awful, and one of the main problems of this very problematic movie is that we don’t want either monster to win in a fight (and we’d like them to get on with the fight, please). We want them both to die, and to kill Victor Frank and Professor Walton in the process. Niahla can live, because she reacts appropriately horrified and aghast at Victor when she finds out he brought someone back to life, even if their “love” rekindles when it never should. Ever.

You can’t be expected to get through all 114 minutes of this movie sober, so with that, I give you…

Drinking Game Rules:

1. Drink every time someone tells Naihla NOT to scream. Bonus drink if someone is holding her mouth when they say it.

2. Drink every time the score, sound mixing and editing is SUPER distracting.

3. Every time you hear the Mummy’s heart beat like he’s laying on top of a Jumanji board, drink.

4. Whenever the janitor pulls out a knife, drink.

5. Obviously, you drink for when Victor finally says (SPOILERS), “It’s alive!”

6. Drink whenever someone chokes on their food. It’s gross.

7. Drink whenever a doctor is oblivious to normal standards and procedures when dealing with sacred, ancient finds.

8. Drink when a student believes that aliens made the pyramids. Frankenstein vs. The Mummy exists in a world where that belief is held by the majority.

Frankenstein vs. The Mummy arrives on DVD and digital download February 10th, 2015. Watch it with your friends. You might lose a couple!

Who else is bothered by the fact that she wears her PLOT POINT necklace over her scarf?

I know what you’re probably thinking.

You’re skeptical; this screams of blog hyperbole. And it most definitely is that, and an excuse to spam Jeff Golblum GIF’s. But it’s true.

Julien Temple’s Earth Girls Are Easy came out in 1988, the year of my birth. I’ve never had empirical evidence that I was destined for greatness until I looked EGAE up on IMDB. Thanks Julien Temple!

For what was a truly wonderful time in human history, Jeff Goldblum was a sex symbol in Hollywood and beyond. Many would argue that, like a fine wine or Friends reruns, Jeff Goldblum only gets sexier with age, that his sex appeal is as enduring and primordial as drunk uncles and cockroaches. But Earth Girls Are Easy has to be the pinnacle of this notion as Jeff Golblum love interest, and in more than a third of that movie, Jeff Goldblum looks like this:

Because Jeff Goldblum, along with pre-In Living Color Jim Carrey and the man who helped create that classic show, Damon Wayons, were furry aliens who land in Geena Davis’ pool, named Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo, respectively. Whenever I become an adult, I’m going to have three dogs and name them all after these aliens (which I think will retroactively take away my adulthood). I’ll also dye them to match:

The film looks like what many people feared Guardians of the Galaxy was going to turn out to be, which clearly, wouldn’t have been a bad thing. The lush colors, fur, gonzo humor and its MTV music video heydey love of music, are clearly echoed in James Gunn’s Guardians of the Galaxy (there’s probably a Collector cameo in Earth Girls). 

Geena Davis, by the way, is smoking hot and irresistible in this movie, despite being forced to have several pure, unadulterated 80’s makeovers that include hair bigger than Marge Simpson’s, more makeup than a Johnny Depp movie, all at her place of employment, “Curl Up and Dye” Nail Salon. There are more “sips for nips” in this movie than most porno’s, and I’ve never been happier to drink than seeing Jeff Goldblum shirtless.

Geena Davis’ Valerie works alongside Valley Girl Julie Brown as Candy (there’s no other conceivable name in which she could’ve been called instead), who performs in musical numbers like this (and is the best, because everything is the best in this movie):

Damon Wayons participates in the best dance off scene in a movie ever (“Why be a hero when you can be with a zero”), and I know what I’m talking about: I’ve never seen any Step Up movie, Magic Mike, Saturday Night Fever or Footloose.

Michael McKean plays the most stereotypical stoner-surfer ever, and it’s pure bliss.

The film stars Angelyne, who apparently was “famous for being famous,” and sounds like the most Hollywood woman ever. She promoted herself on billboards all across Los Angeles, and was known for her pink corvette. True story: when I saw this movie at the Cinefamily, I saw Angelyne and her pink corvette. Also, according to Wikipedia, she finished 28th in a field of 135 candidates during the 2003 California governor recall election, which is probably the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.

Well, except:

Yup, Geena Davis gives Jeff Golblum the birds and the bees talk…and then they do more than talk.

I haven’t researched it because I didn’t want to shatter the illusion, but there’s no doubt: Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis are one of the biggest power couples in Hollywood history. Richard Burton and Liz Taylor finish a distant second in that make-believe Power Rankings, coming never to 7 Inches.

Earth Girls Are Easy spends an inordinate amount of time with Mac, Wiploc and Zeebo “figuring out” Earth’s technology and doo hickeys. I could’ve spent 10 hours watching them eat records, but the movie didn’t become the greatest movie of all-time until Candy (M-V-P and Oscar snub Julie Brown) performed the ultimate makeover on the aliens, and they all came out looking like their human counterparts, with a steamy Jeff Goldblum emerging from a cocoon of sex. And Jim Carrey and Damon Wayons looking like…

Which is hard to compare with:

Like that’s even a question. Geena Davis’ Valerie knows the truth immediately, but must spend the entire movie grappling over her relationship with Ted (Charles Rocket, top 10 greatest name ever) her dickhead husband, because, well, there’d be no movie.

I could spend hundreds of paragraphs extolling the film’s many virtues, but instead, I’ll pay Earth Girls Are Easy its highest compliment yet: a drinking game that can be played with only 1 rule. And that rule is: drink for every reference to the Valley, LA’s ignominious neighbor. You’ll be toast. Of course, there are limitless drinking game rules for Earth Girls Are Easy, but only the finest movies require only one.

So, off with you and find this movie. It’s on Netflix if you’re one of 13 people who still get discs in the mail, or it’s only $6.59 on Amazon. The world can be a beautiful place. Now go and discover this treasure of American cinema. Jeff Goldblum commands thee.

If your ideal Halloween is getting drunk while watching horror movies, then The Monster Squad is the perfect nostalgic choice. The 1987 film arrived in the same year as the first Lethal Weapon, both written by Shane Black (who co-writes here with Night of the Creeps‘ Fred Dekker, the Squad’s director). More for Lethan Weapon than Monster Squad, this turned Black into a rockstar insomuch as a screenwriter can be one, until the inevitable downfall came, punctuated with alcoholism. Like Tony Stark himself, redemption came in the form of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and Iron Man 3, and now Shane Black could probably write a sequel/reboot of The Monster Squad if he wished, an awesome/silly notion that adds a fun layer to revisiting this piece of 80’s treasure.

Coming two years after The Goonies, Monster Squad is pretty much exactly Goonies with way less famous people (Horace = Chunk), and way more monsters (though Sloth is very much missed). So it comes out even, thanks to the presence of Dracula, Wolfman, Frankenstein, Gill-Man and the Mummy, who all look great, especially for 1987, thanks to monster FX from Tom Woodruff Jr., the maestro behind The Terminator and Aliens.

Monster Squad is a ridiculous 80’s movie with a titular rap that plays during its credits, yet also features an exploding Wolfman who reassembles itself and keeps attacking a group of children who are forced to destroy the very thing they love: monsters. It doesn’t get much better than that, though Dracula having iPod like lightning rod ear-buds stored in his cane would beg to differ.

In many ways, it’s a Revenge of the Nerds with monsters, forcing a bunch of dweebs who spend their afternoons quizzing each other on how to kill vampires, to actually make practical use of such knowledge. It captures the thrill in discovering that monsters are real, while also the “Oh shit” realization of what that means (we’re the only ones who can stop them!) To Monster Kids, a special sect of nerd, The Monster Squad is a sacred text, a movie made by Monster Kids and FOR Monster Kids, an even bigger rarity in 1987 than it is now.

While it’s as dated as any 1980’s teen movie, it’s even more glorious today, thanks to those wonderful, awful t-shirts that your older cousin used to wear (the excessive use of the word “homo” is grating and bracing, unfortunately). This doesn’t even include the obligatory “Stephen King rules” t-shirt one of our intrepid heroes sports. There’s also the ridiculously bad nonsensical insults, and Leonardo Cimino as “Scary German Guy,” stealing the film when there are MONSTERS on screen. Best of all is Rudy, a super slick biker tough guy who’s handsome AND digs monsters. There’s nobody cooler in the history of cinema.

The Monster Squad is the closest thing to an Avengers of monsters the world has seen since Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein, a formula Universal utilized before Marvel Studios changed the way blockbusters were made. Universal appears to be it bringing back. Let’s drink instead of considering the atrocities that might come from that.

DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Whenever a new monster is introduced, drink.

2. Drink for every monster fact, or any discussion about how they’re killed.

3. Take a sip whenever a monster is killed. Double it if Horace does the deed.

4. It’s 1987: there’s a lot of dynamite. Drink whenever it’s deployed.

5. Finish your drink during the classic “Wolfman’s Got Nards!” scene. Or just watch it over and over:

6. Waterfall during any 80’s montage. They’re the best:

7. Drink whenever someone says “Fat Kid.”

8. Sip whenever someone says “Virgin.”

9. Whenever the cops prove clumsy and stupid (kids now best!), drink.

10. Finish your drink when Van Helsing gives the audience a thumb’s up, because yes, that actually happens:

EXPERT EDITION: Drink every time the word “Monster” is said.

Urban Legend is one of the holy pillars of the movie drinking game phenomenon (?), and with Halloween around the corner, it’s time to add 7 Inches of booze to the proceedings.

Coming two years after the zeitgeist-y Scream, Urban Legend is one of many numerous glorious 90’s knockoffs of Kevin Williamson’s meta take on the slasher genre. Except, it might be better. Sure, Scream is clever and scary, while Urban Legend is stupid and mildly startling (stay away from my Achilles), but it’s also a perfect snapshot of some of the most important pop culture figures in the history of the internet age, with some wonderful laughs derived from their appearances. Urban Legend only gets better with time, because beepers, chat rooms, goth sex…Rebecca Gayheart.

Urban Legend came from the same team who made I Know What You Did Last Summer into an unlikely hit/franchise (a Sara Michelle Geller and Jessica Love Hewitt movie I somehow have never seen), cobbling together a slew of society’s favorite urban legends and making them the villainous construct of a murderer, the “terrifying” Puffy Coat Killer. There’s Pop Rocks and soda, there’s the no lights on the highway gang initiation, Bloody Mary (keen foreshadowing for the franchise’s third installment, coming in 2005) and anything that comes on Tara Reid’s radio station.

This was the movie that launched the cult of Tara Reid; she performs fellatio on her microphone and her boobs nearly pop out of every dress in every scene. At one point, she even says, “My voice is probably the last thing she heard. Can you imagine?” There’s nothing more petrifying to imagine than Tara Reid being the last voice you hear in this anguished life.

She’s paired up with Smallville‘s Lex Luthor, Michael Rosenbaum, when he has hair, but most importantly, is only around to kiss Pacey’s ass. Yes, Joshua Jackson, with his ENTIRE HEAD OF HAIR BLEACHED (!), is also in this film, as trickster Damon Brooks, who gets off on telling all of these urban legends before becoming a morbid part of them. 97% of Rosenbaum’s lines involve complimenting Damon and loving his pranks and jokes, proving that Dawson’s Creek > Smallville.

Beverly Hills 90210‘s Rebecca Gayheart, the inventor of the Crazy Eyes, also finds herself in this group of friends, pining away after Paul (oh Paul)…played by the incomparable Jared Leto, who seems just as shocked as you or I that he’s in this movie. Someone in Urban Legend has won an Oscar. Alicia Witt (who actually played Becky Sproles’ deadbeat Mom in Friday Night Lights) is the innocent girl/lone survivor. She’s not the killer, but in a way, she totally is, because she absolutely dooms everyone else around her with her presence. You almost feel bad for her comically cliche goth roommate who fucks to death metal.

Urban Legend is a movie in which a dog does a beer bong and has Boston Public‘s Loretta Devine reenact Jackie Brown by herself in her office. It’s a reality where a university actually has a class on urban legends, called…Abstract Psychology. Urban Legend is a franchise that spawned sequels starring Kate Mara, Jennifer Morrison, Eva Mendes, Joey Lawrence, Anthony Anderson and more, a breeding ground for young talent, a treasure trove of “Oh my god, he/she’s IN THIS MOVIE?!” Urban Legend‘s sequel is called “Final Cut,” but five years later, there was another film (the aforementioned Bloody Mary). Urban Legend proves that anyone can have a career, that anyone can rebound from a mistake and bank on their potential, that anyone can be a killer, and that we’ll never have a decade quite like the 90’s. Thank God/Steve Urkel for that.

The Rules:

1. Enjoy a sip of your frosty beverage whenever an Urban Legend is referenced or shown.

2. You always drink for every death in movies like these.

3. Whenever the name of a school is referenced, take a sip!

4. Drink every time you see the Puffy Coat Killer. Spooky.

5. Take a drink every time Tara Reid does or says something sexual. Good luck with that.

6. This one is insane, and might be a movie-wide waterfall if you take it too seriously: drink every time lightning strikes.

7. Drink any time Loretta Devine’s security guard is hapless.

8. You gotta drink every time Paul’s “hotness” is discussed, or whenever someone pines for the guy who takes school journalism WAY too seriously. Paul is Jared Leto’s character, so this is pretty much every time he’s on screen.

9. If anyone cries, drink.

10. I was inspired by this particular Urban Legend drinking game, and my favorite was this rule: Drink every time Rebecca Gayheart. The sentence stops there purposefully, leaving it up to the viewer to interpret what that means to you. For my group of friends, it practically became every time we saw Rebecca Gayheart, we would drink.

Doesn’t she kind of look like a demented version of Thea Queen/Willa Holland from Arrow?

11. Drink every time there’s a twist as to the killer’s identity. Double it if the audience is “tricked” into thinking one of the killers is one of the many famous actors who have played famed serial killers in other movies (see: Robert Englund AKA Freddy Kreuger, Brad Dourif AKA Chucky/Grima Wormtongue). Urban Legend is the cleverest.

12. Drink for every dated 90’s reference, or for old technology.

Extreme Urban Legend: Double every rule if it applies to Pacey/Joshua Jackson/Damon Brooks.

For those who grew up in the 90’s, Macaulay Culkin was our childhood. I could care less about Ri$hie Rich, but he made me cry in My Girl, laugh in Uncle Buck, and want to be him in the Home Alone series. When I saw him at the Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood last year, I almost collapsed, afraid that I couldn’t exist in the same space-time as a guy who helped me grow up. Say whatever you want about Culkin’s life as a child actor and beyond, we all owe him a debt that will likely never be paid.

The evidence is in The Pagemaster, one of the most underrated animated treasures of the 1990’s, a film that is currently enjoying its 20th anniversary.

Richard Tyler is a scaredy-cat loser who won’t even go up into the treehouse Stan Sitwellhis Dad builds for him. He probably emptied out a Sports Authority’s safety equipment section just to ride his bike home. He was me; I was always shit with bikes, and terrified of new experiences. I wouldn’t be comfortable playing sports, games or anything until I was reasonably confident that I’d be one of the best in the class at it. I’m still that way with Pool. Risk was a board game, not something you actually took.

In the midst of a massive storm, Richard finds himself in The Library. Watching it now, the idea of a kid ever going to a library seems quaint, so much more magical/surprising than it was in 1994. Nowadays the library is where the homeless keep warm, or a place where the desperate seek free WIFI and glumly pay to print their resumes. Why else would you be in the library? Shamefully, society reads books on Kindles and iPAD’s, and if we succumb to actual paper-bound books, we order them from Amazon. Why read books for free when we can pay for them? The Pagemaster makes you want the world of your childhood back, when your class would take “field trips” to the library and force you to sign up for a library card, a quasi-religious experience that felt like you were signing up for a cult/skeevy daycare.

The Pagemaster grasps onto the power of books, of reading, of the Library, and paints it as a fantastical realm, with books that are as Alive as you or I. Books are (literally) our friends. Anyone who’s ever had a lonely afternoon reading Harry Potter knows this to be unequivocally true. The Pagemaster trumpets the power of reading, be it Adventure, Fantasy, and even the misunderstood genre of Horror. You could lose yourself into a world, embrace danger, daring and learn about yourself in the process. Pagemaster showed losers you could be a heroic sword-wielding knight who could take on a dragon, even if you looked like Macaulay Culkin, who looked like a big time dweeb in this movie, animated or otherwise:

What do I do with my hands?

And:

But by the end, thanks to his Bookish friends, Richard Tyler wasn’t afraid anymore. I said, “I’m not afraid anymore!”

The Pagemaster stars the holy triumvirate of sci-fi actors: Patrick Stewart, Christopher Lloyd and Leonard Nimoy. Or if you want to broaden it to the Mount Rushmore of Sci-Fi, you could throw Whoopi Goldberg in there (Ghost, dudes!), and you’d be wrong. Interestingly, Pagemaster not only stars Captain Picard and Guinan (Whoopi on TNG), but also Robert Picardo (The Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager). It’s not hard to see the Star Trek DNA strands weaving throughout Pagemaster.

Patrick Stewart wonderfully plays against type, against his persona and the genre expectation that he’s cultivated, by being Adventure, a Pirate ruffian of a book. Leonard Nimoy similarly subverts our supposition, by being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a memorable scene:

Whoopi is Whoopi/nobody’s Fantasy, while Christopher Lloyd is Mr. Dewey (get it?), the Librarian AND the Pagemaster, the wizard overlord of Richard’s literary journey that includes Treasure Island, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, Moby Dick and Alice in Wonderland. You kind of wish the boy had traveled in more unique worlds; even in 1994 those four were overplayed. Regardless, the Pagemaster is a role that only Christopher Lloyd can play, and one that he probably still could. Like Culkin, Christopher Lloyd was an inextricable link to my childhood, the perfect choice to play the gatekeeper of Magic.

Until recently, Back to the Future was my answer for favorite movie of all-time (now it’s Galaxy Quest). Lloyd’s excitable, brilliant Doc Brown was a massive part of that. But the man was also Uncle Fester in Addams Family and Addams Family Values, Judge Doom in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, and the Boss Angel in Angels in the Outfield. He was even Rasputin in Anastasia. The guy has his fingerprints all over the most important films from the 1990’s and is the man tasked with showing us the power of imagination, the kind of groan-inducing maxim that I still can’t get enough of.

I could talk about Pagemaster forever. Its unparalleled cast, its shitty animation, that the incomparable Phil Hartman voices Tom Morgan (above), one of Long John Silver’s pirate cohorts, but I’m getting thirsty, and I suspect so are you. So…on with it:

DRINKING RULES

1. Drink whenever Richard Tyler and company jump inside a book.

2. Take a sip for every reference to a storm, and every stormy scene.

3. You gotta drink for every dragon scene. This video is admittedly awful quality, but highlights one of the coolest/creepiest moments from the movie:

4. Whenever we see the library’s “Exit” sign, or Tyler draws it in the sand or something equally pathetic/poignant, drink.

5. Drink whenever Richard is scared.

6. Sip on the drink of your choice whenever Richard wields a sword.

7. Drink whenever we meet a new book.

8. If you ever find yourself reading the title of a book, or recognize a book’s spine, drink, you snob.

9. You best be drinking whenever there’s a book pun. You’ll know it when it happens.

10. Whenever Horror (voiced by Frank Welker) unleashes his dumbass laugh, drink. Also, watch this loving tribute to the most underrated Book in the film:

11. Drink whenever Richard/Culkin adjusts his glasses, or loses them, or all the different things that happens to nerds who wears specs. Consider this the Giles rule, a permanent staple when any character wears glasses. Because they never stop fucking with them.

12. Whenever cartoons and reality exist in the same scene, drink. Consider this the Space Jam rule.

EXPERT EDITION: Just drink for Christopher Lloyd. Every time. He deserves it.

18 years ago, the greatest sports movie of all time was released. For most of us, life was simpler then. There was only one wild card in baseball. Girls didn’t exist, or at least, you had a hard time proving it. R. Kelly was a national hero, not a golden shower waiting to happen/criminal. The world really could be saved by a batshit crazy basketball game devoid of rules and mathematics. Or at least we could be saved from Michael Jordan’s baseball career.

Some things never change however: Bill Murray was still a demigod, a living legend/Bachelor Party pixie, and Wayne Knight was in the midst of one of the greatest streaks an actor has ever had the fortune of going on. Behold: his run began in 1987 on a little movie called Dirty Dancing, he was an extra in Born on the Fourth of July, then roles came in Dead Again, JFK, Jurassic Park, something called Seinfeld, and he started up on a show called 3rd Rock From The Sun. Space Jam came right before roles in Hercules and The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars that would foreshadow a phenomenal voice acting career. In many ways, Space Jam was a transitory period for Knight, when most of his meaningful work segued into animation; it’s almost as if the Monstars settled on stealing Stan Podolak following their defeat (a possible entryway to the inevitable Space Jam 2). There’s no other medium that can capture his incomparable voice and spirit. Of course, I’m not entirely convinced his streak ever ended (Hot in Cleveland, people! He stars in Hot in Cleveland!). Wayne Knight lives a charmed life, even without ever starring on Charmed (the show would still be running if he had).

Space Jam, a shoulda been crappy corporate cash grab, hailing Michael Jordan’s return to basketball in what could’ve become a full-length movie version of LeBron James’ Decision that somehow came out charming and beautiful. Space Jam, a movie that stars the best basketball player of all-time (non-Bill Murray division), Bill Murray, Danny DeVito, Newman, and Elmer Fudd, is evidence that there is magic in the universe, that there are forces greater than us working behind the scenes (and they might be WB Animators). Space Jam is one of the most important films of all time, a generational touchstone, a demarcation of time as effective as Jesus’ death (yet just as timeless: Funny Or Die’s Live Read is one of the best things to ever happen). You need more proof? It inspired a 30 for 30. And the hottest cartoon animal/chick of all-time:

This is likely the hardest task I’ll ever try to accomplish in this or any lifetime: the Space Jam Drinking Game (incomplete without massive quantities of beer and/or Michael’s Secret Stuff, which is thankfully glorified water and not Air Jordan Jizz). If I do my job right, when the credits roll, you’ll be crying and…Believe I/you can fly.

THE RULEZ.

1. Waterfall for the aforementioned Space Jam Theme Song. Be sure to drink liberally during every R. Kelly song, to maximize pee breaks, a sentence I probably should’ve worked harder to avoid.

2. Drink for every cartoon catchphrase. You know “sufferin’ succotash,” Porky Pig’s strokes, “I tawt I taw a puddy tat,” and all that.

3. Whenever we glimpse a cartoon in the real world, drink away your sorrow that that can’t really happen (yet).

4. Sip for our basketball bros (Shawn Bradley, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Larry Johnson, Muggsy Bogues) when their powers are drained (or whatever it is Shawn Bradley has). It can be argued that Charles Barkley’s sad sack performance is what cemented his future career in TV. Furthermore, celebrate when they get their powers back with another sip!

If you’re a Monstar fan/evil, drink whenever the Monstars are created, and shrunk back again.

5. Drink for every foul or technical foul. You have to keep hydrated during a sporting event. CHALLENGE: Drink for every no call.

6. Waterfall during Jordan’s climactic/impossible/mind-bending dunk (that isn’t really a dunk, he drops it in, but quibbles are for lesser men than I) when he makes like Mr. Fantastic.

7. You have to drink whenever there’s evidence of Michael Jordan being truly and completely awful at baseball. The guy’s told what pitches are coming, and it doesn’t matter. It’s the not-quite so hidden joke at the crux of the whole movie, the swivel, the gateway into the heroes journey. The message is this: quit trying new things when you’re already good at one, unless you’re Bo Jackson.

8. Every time the Tune Squad don’t know the rules to basketball, drink. Double it whenever this rule, or any rule that applies to the scintillating 3’2” power forward, Daffy Duck.

9. Drink for every celebrity cameo. Patricia Heaton was apparently cool enough to be in this movie, BEFORE The Middle. Imagine how cool she is now.

10. Drink for any truly cartoony things happen, like say when Wayne Knight is absolutely flattened, then blown up and then passes gas for about a minute. That seems suitably cartoony and worthy of alcohol consumption.

EXPERT EDITION: Toast your fellow Man and drink for every one of Bill Murray’s perfectly coiffed bon mots. In the film, he even invents a race: clear. We always suspected Larry Bird wasn’t white; that wasn’t possible. Bill Murray knew the truth.

While I haven’t read it, I imagine the screenplay for Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure to be the greatest literary achievement of man.

How I imagine the script coming into being was that screenwriters Chris Matheson (who also wrote A Goofy Movie; drink!) and Ed Solomon (Men in Black) were high and getting munchies at the local Circle K, and they may or may not have had a strange encounter in the parking lot with a bum and/or George Carlin. One of them said this line:

And they knew they had a mandate from a higher power, a mission, a quest, that they needed to write a movie based on that one line, which is one of the greatest lines in the history of film. Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure actually has 7 of the best 12 lines in all cinema (“You killed Ted, you medieval dickweed!” is one of the others). Most triumphant.

The film spawned an almost as bodacious sequel in Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. Plus, a most racist cartoon series, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventures:

A most delicious cereal:

A most homophobic/racist/virulent show at Universal Studios:

Plus it spawned Keanu Reeves’ career, one of the most wonderful and puzzling phenomenons in the universe. Alex Winter’s career has just begun.

Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted Theodore Logan of Wyld Stallyns fame are American heroes as rarefied and important as the historical figures they snatch up from time for their history report. Those would be Joan of Arc, Napoleon, Gengis Khan (“This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman’s Sporting Goods”), Sigmund Freud, Billy the Kid (Mr. The Kid, who deals “with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease”), So-cratz, Beethoven and Abraham Lincoln, by the way. Until writing this post, I was convinced that Ms. of Arc was played by Winona Ryder. Apparently, that was Jane Wiedlin of The Go-Go’s.

But come on.

Bill and Ted are typical dumbasses who want to be in a band and change the world. One has a domineering father who wants his son to go the military. The other is sexing up a recent San Dimas high graduate and former classmate (“Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?” “Shut up, Ted!”). That would be Missy.

The sequence preceding this is a seriously disturbing scene where Mr. Preston kicks his son and best friend, out of Bill’s very own room, to pork Missy. On his son’s bed, no less. This is something that went blissfully over my head when I was younger. Now, I’m traumatized.

You’re looking at one of the few perfect movies. There’s something to be said for a movie that achieves and surpasses every one of its goals, and doesn’t have a flawed note whatsoever. Bill & Ted is exactly what it needed to be, wanted to be, and became something that much more, just like the band that somehow became a religion in the future. As ridiculous as that sounds on the surface, how inspiring are these maxims?

Most inspiring, is the answer, and something I’d get behind a lot more readily than actual organized religion.

I imagine San Dimas, California to only be populated by jocks (“San Dimas High School Football Rules”) and stoners, and the only place where Circle K’s still exist, and phone booths are still in use (outside of the UK). In fact, I plan on driving the 36 minutes east to San Dimas to investigate this very thing in the near future. If there isn’t a shrine to Bill & Ted, or people wearing the clothes of the future and worshiping Wyld Stallyns, I’m going to be most disappointed.

Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure is everything. It’s got danger (“I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn”), bodacious princess babes, most heinous time travel plot twists that are purely jokes/cheese here, but no different than some of the logic seen in Doctor Who, Back to the Future or other hallmarks of the genre. The movie is deep:

“Look him up. It’s under So-cratz.” Philosophize with him, dude. While also highly intelligent and fraught with life’s greatest issues and challenges, there are also light moments, such as when Bill & Ted meet their future them’s, and must prove their identity through expert sleuthing:

Plus, it takes friggin’ Napoleon and puts him in a kids water park, a bowling alley and an incredibly 80’s ice cream palace. In other words, Napoleon has the best time in the future. He goes down water slides, eats enough ice cream to kill a mere mortal and goes bowling (which he’s not a fan of). It’s pure brilliance that one of the greatest military strategists and leaders in history is also…a Ziggy Piggy. ZIGGY PIGGY.

All of this happens because Ted’s younger brother ditches Napoleon. Why? “He’s a dick.”

The cherry on top of the Ziggy Piggy sundae is, quite obviously, Rufus, AKA George Carlin, in his finest film role (though this is close):

Every historical figure has indelible moments, but it’s tough to top Napoleon or So-cratz. Or Lincoln. So until we get a sequel, let’s drink along with one of the best films ever made.

“Party On, Dudes!”: The Rules

1. Every time Bill or Ted say “dude” or a variation of the colloquialism, drink.

2. Every time Bill or Ted perform the infamous/orgasmic air guitar riff, drink.

3. Drink again, whenever the Earl of Preston and the Duke of Ted shout “Wyld Stallyns!”

4. Take a drink whenever Bill & Ted encounter/kidnap another historical figure.

5. Sip whenever the phone booth travels in time.

6. Drink every time Bill or Ted say “excellent,” “bodacious,” or any synonym of those words. Double it whenever it’s preceded by “Most.”

7. Drink whenever Bill and Ted say “Whoaaa.”

8. You must drink any time someone mispronounces Socrates. And drink double when Socrates introduces himself, because it’s the best.

9. Any time we hear Bill and Ted’s full names uttered, DRINK.

10. And most importantly: Be most excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

For my money, there is not a funnier movie, second by second, scene to scene, than Monty Python and the Holy Grail. There isn’t a more quotable movie, or a more fun one to quote, either. While it’s probably not my favorite movie of all-time, it’s in the top 5, and is one of the best communal movie-going experiences ever.

Thank you John Cleese, Eric Idle, Terry Gilliam, Graham Chapman, Terry Jones and Michael Palin.

The brilliant quest for the Grail is one of those movies that presents you with a different favorite scene every time you watch it. The touchstone of a great comedy is when you ask people what their favorite scene is, and they all have wildly different answers to that question. That’s the beauty of the Holy Grail, the entire thing is made up of favorite scenes, jokes, and bits. It never drags, even through the brilliant credits (perhaps the best ever).

It’s Nigh impossible to pinpoint a favorite scene. When I first was shown Monty Python and the Holy Grail by my Uncle (who grew up listening to the movie on tape; how many movies can you just listen to and love?), I was most amused by the glee with which a 35 year old man watched it for the hundredth time, quoting every word. But by the second time I watched it, I was quoting it myself (and I’m not one of those people who quotes movies all the time, at least not outside of blog posts), laughing deliriously at the infinite silly, irreverent and timeless gags.

There’s the Rabbit of Caerbannog. The gay son who doesn’t want land, Father (“I just want to…sing!” STOP THAT), who’s like the spiritual cousin of Hermey the Elf from Rudolph. The stunning refusal of characters to die. The Trojan Bunny. Patsy. Camelot.

Glorious Patsy.

John Cleese’s taunting French guard. Swallows (“African or European?”). Wicked, bad, naughty Zoot. Shrubberies. Tim the Enchanter. Sir Not Appearing In This Film. The greatest and probably most accurate witch scene ever (“Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?”).

In other words: Everything. Every time you watch it, you discover a new gem you missed the first time (likely because you were laughing during it). Recently, my favorite has become the political scene involving Dennis the Peasant and his Mother (“Well, I didn’t vote for you” is my favorite thing to say):

While Monty Python and the Holy Grail doesn’t need booze to be the fulcrum of a fantastic Friday night, a frosty ale wouldn’t hurt it, neither. And thus is borne the Monty Python and the Holy Grail Drinking Game: Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch Edition.

THE RULES

1. Drink for butt trumpets. Because, butt trumpets:

2. Drink whenever you hear the infamous Monty Python cat scream. You’ll find it in the “Bring Out Yer Dead!” scene, for starters:

3. Drink for every utterance of “I’m not dead yet,” or variance thereof. This happens throughout, not just the above scene.

4. Any time there’s an argument about African or European swallows, drink.

5. Take a sip whenever Sir Lancelot kills someone.

6. Each time Arthur, King of the Britons proclaims, “I am Arthur, King of the Britons!”, take a swig.

7. Every time the Monks self-flagellate, sip for their pain.

8. Drink for every “Run away!”

9. Take a drink for every limb that the Black Knight loses.

10. Drink every time “Brave Sir Robin” is sung/uttered. This one comes with a multiplier: take an extra drink for every “Brave” said before “Sir Robin.”

11. Whenever you hear the Knights Who Say Ni (or formerly say Ni) say, “We are the Knights who say…”, drink.

12. Drink every time Sir Bedevere flips up his helmet (“Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?”).

13. Whenever something is launched (“Jesus Christ!”), drink.

14. Take a sip for every instance of story book graphics.

15. Waterfall for the Camelot song (“It’s a silly place”).

If you can’t hang with these rules, then…well: