I don’t think I have to tell you this, but you should be listening to the Indiana Jones theme for the duration of this post and week.

One of my favorite websites out there is French Toast Sunday. Every month they pick a distinguished filmmaker to devote columns, time and love to. This Month it’s Spielberg in July. There’s never a bad time to enjoy Steven Spielberg movies, but the summer months are particularly great, since Spielberg invented the summer blockbuster with JAWS. I thought I’d take some time to talk about what may be my favorite Spielberg film (though that changes every week).

Earlier this month, for Fourth of July Eve (AKA July 3rd), I found myself at Hollywood Forever Cemetery for a Cinespia outdoor movie screening. The film of choice was RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981), the best adventure movie of all time. Hell, it’s practically perfect in every way.

I’ve seen the movie a few times, but probably not all the way through as much as I should.

I know. It’s always on TV, so I always catch a few snippets, and catch a favorite scene, though that’s a slippery slope, since RAIDERS is a never-ending batch of favorite scenes. It had been years since I had seen it, but by the time the credits rolled and I was able to cross off “Fireworks Show Set To Indiana Jones Theme” off my bucket list, I was a giddy kid again, within walking distance of innumerable studios that would relish eradicating that inner child and optimist.

Yet he lives on. I refuse to think about KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, or the later STAR WARS movies. For me, that doesn’t take away from what was accomplished here. Before it seemed like he was always cranky, tired and disinterested, Harrison Ford turned gruff exasperation into a sexy art form in the Steven Spielberg-Lawrence Kasdan-George Lucas nerdgasm.

There aren’t many better community movies than RAIDERS, because it’s filled with so many indelible moments that make you cheer. That’s basically what the rest of this post devolves into, because sometimes you just want to get excited and rave about a movie that everyone’s seen and loves.

There’s something so larger than life with the opening titles. We see Ford’s silhouette, his back to the camera, his back to us, his soon-to-be legendary hat cutting a majestic figure.

Thanks to the infamous opening boulder scene, Indiana Jones becomes a classic and unforgettable character in cinema before we even KNOW HIS NAME. It takes a few minutes before Indiana Jones even talks, and even longer before he’s called Indy (thanks to Denholm Elliott’s Dr. Marcus Brody). The movie is RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, without the INDIANA JONES prefix that the others possess, after all, so it’s not a given that casual audience members knew his name until several scenes into the movie. This blows my mind. I’m not sure how intended that was by Lucas and Spielberg, but because of Indy’s stature in the hierarchy of classic film characters, it only feels more bold, badass and cool today.

Something I definitely hadn’t caught when I was younger was that Satipo, the man who tries to steal the golden idol from Jones in the opening scene, is Alfred Molina/Doc Ock. The movie only gets better with age.

(THAT SHADOW) For some reason, there’s nothing sexier than a woman who can out drink an entire Greek fraternity/big Nepalese dude. Maybe that says more about me than it does Karen Allen, who has one of the best smiles ever. Even in CRYSTAL SKULL, I couldn’t help but be delighted when I saw that smile again on a big screen.

Ronald Lacey’s creepy Major Arnold Toht is the film Nazi villain that all Nazi film villains are forever judged.

TRAVEL BY MAP is one of my favorite things. In my first full length screenplay, which was OF COURSE a road trip movie, I did my own take on this. I think all movies need travel by map, even if it’s for a character getting out of bed and to the grocery store.

RIP Terry Richards, the stuntman who played the swordsman in the beloved below clip, who died last month:

I always remembered there being a lot more blood, and actually seeing the mechanic get his head chopped to bits in the Indy/Mechanic scene. In fact, this was probably the scene I always got frightened of when watching this movie, even more than the finale.

John Rhys-Davies has uttered two life-changing quotes, spaced twenty years apart. In RAIDERS, it’s “Bad Dates,” a two word, two syllable utterance that has served as my Fantasy sports team name and a line that only has more meaning when you’ve been on them.

Also, you know he SAVED INDY’S LIFE. Sallah is the MVP of this movie. “Bad Dates” gets all the laughs and the headlines, but everything Sallah says is hilarious and brilliant. Rhys-Davis has crafted such a vivid and great character, you wonder what this movie would look like without him. Apparently Danny DeVito was originally offered the part. Oof.

John Rhys-Davies other immortal line is “…AND MY AXE” from LOTR: FOTR, by the way:

After the helicopter decapitation scene, the most terrifying moment is, of course, the face melting opening of the Ark scene.

Just when you think we’ve made it…Lucas and Spielberg throw another brilliant curveball. Despite rescuing the Ark and surviving its opening, and bringing it back to the museum, Indiana Jones still loses. This pointed to the evils of bureaucracy and the government, while giving the film a foreboding undertone you wouldn’t expect from a 1980’s adventure blockbuster. The Army intelligence agents have whisked the Ark away, leading us to one of the best last shots in cinematic history (“top…men”).

If Indiana Jones can’t win, how can we? At least we win as an audience, no matter how many times you revisit RAIDERS.

To celebrate the Fourth of July, I present AN AMERICAN TAIL: FIEVEL GOES WEST. What’s more American than FIEVEL GOES WEST?! As stated in BROOKLYN NINE-NINE, Fievel’s journey parallels the story of America. In AN AMERICAN TAIL (1986), the patron saint of childhood movies Don Bluth, painted a tragic and ultimately uplifting portrait of an emigrant Jewish-Russian family coming to America/the “New World” to seek greener pastures and greater opportunities. In its sequel, directors Simon Wells and Phil Nibbelink (WE’RE BACK!, y’all) detail the arduous journey of families moving westward, again tantalized by the versatile and propagandistic American Dream. You don’t need Admiral Ackbar to tell you that IT’S A TRAP, and Fievel, Papa, Mama, Tanya fall right into it.

Essentially, the Mousekewitz family have fallen on hard times in the big city, fighting for scraps and struggling to find work. So naturally they fall under the spell of a painfully obvious puppet, telling all the mice of opportunity in the West. Fievel’s ecstatic, because like every other kid, has fantasized about being a cowboy in the Wild West, and idolizes Wylie Burp, a drunken amalgamation of every famous cowboy ever. Little do they and Tiger (the all-timer Dom DeLuise as a mix between the Cowardly Lion and Barf from SPACEBALLS) know the mice are unwittingly traveling west to become dinner for Cat R. Waul (John Cleese, ladies and gentlemen) and his drooling feline henchman, an elaborate plan for “mouse burgers.” Why doesn’t Cat R. Waul and company just eat the mice when he has them all in one place listening to the creepy marionette’s spiel about the west? Well, because there’d be no movie, and it’d make too much sense.

It’d also rob us of seeing the old and drunk sheriff of Green River, the formerly great Wylie Burp. He’s voiced by Jimmy Stewart in his final and 17th most indelible role. There’s no doubt that J-J-Ja-Jimmy Stewart is one of the greatest treasures of America, and he’s no less wonderful and magical as a drunk dog sheriff, a testament to him, Amblimation and this classic film. Considering he made a name for himself in Western’s, it’s fitting for this final heroic and redemptive tale to be his swansong. Is there a better or more poignant last line for Stewart to utter than “If you ride yonder, head up, eyes steady, heart open, I think one day you’ll find that you’re the hero you’ve been looking for.” Feels. One man’s sunset is another man’s dawn.

Tiger follows his mice friends west, because why not? Miss Kitty (Amy Irving, the tramp above) dumped his ass because she’s looking for “a cat that’s more like a dog.” This is hilarious on all kinds of levels. When cat lovers describe their cat as being like a dog (like that’s a big deal and worth celebrating), I always want to yell at them: GET A DOG if you want something to act like a dog. We all know that dogs rule and cats drool. But it’s even weirder when a cat is the one saying it. Even cats don’t like themselves, or perhaps Miss Kitty just wants inter-species sex, and who can blame that minx for wanting to see what else is out there.

Along the way, Fievel gets separated from his family AGAIN, because he’s on a mission to break Mama and Papa’s hearts into a million pieces. Seriously, I have no idea why they haven’t died of sorrow. It’s a testament to the Mousekewitz’s perseverance and faith, emblematic of the American emigrant. It’s heartbreaking to see Fievel on his own AGAIN, his family mourning his loss AGAIN, and Tiger also lost in the unforgiving dry desert.

Tiger also gets some of the most bizarre facial expressions ever depicted in film:

Dollop on a racist depiction of “mouse Indians” who worship Fievel, a very impressive/convenient tumbleweed that takes Fievel to Green River in incredibly quick fashion, and a very disturbing sexualized version of Tanya, a mouse who’s probably the equivalent of like 10-11 in the sea of massive adult cats, and you have FIEVEL GOES WEST. Plus, the whole cats need to be dogs to be successful thing comes full circle, when Wylie Burp makes Tiger his deputy, in order to save the mice of Green River from Cat R. Waul, T.R. Chula (Jon Lovitz, represent), Frenchy and company. It’s the stuff film historians will be talking about for….forever.

Before I forget, here’s Tanya KILLING IT, with “Dreams to Dream”:

It’s no “Somewhere Out There,” but it’ll do.

The weirdest moment of the film has to be when a human woman grabs a cat, yells “Pussy!” and then puts the cat between her boobs. WHAT?!

Because a Disney movie from our childhood wouldn’t be complete without drinking, let’s get to the rules:

1. Drink for every Tanya song. Double it if the song saves Fievel’s life.

2. Sip whenever Fievel gets separated from his family, or Tiger.

3. Whenever Wylie Burp burps, drink.

4. Drink every time anyone tells Tiger he has to be more like a dog. This is the terrifying result of that transformation:

5. Take a drink for every tumbleweed!

6. Hell, drink for every Western cliche.

7. Drink for every different species of animal. You might think that just means cat, dog, mouse. You’d be wrong. Pay careful attention to the fateful cross-country tumbleweed scene. Bonus: Drink for cat/dog racism.

8. Whenever Fievel’s hat goes over his eyes, or he adjusts it, or it changes from western hat to emigrant hat, drink.

9. Drink whenever Wylie’s Sheriff badge glints in the sunlight or is adjusted.

10. Take a swill for every cat or dog or mouse pun/joke, ie. “..Look at what the cat dragged in…”

11. Whenever Fievel or Wylie Burp or someone blows their gun after they fire, because that’s what cowboys do in the west.

Expert Edition: Drink whenever Cat R. Waul or any of the other cats almost eat a mouse.

The creature feature is one of life’s greatest and eternal pleasures, and thanks to director Mark L. Lester, come April 18th, we will have a movie that can be aptly described as JURASSIC PARK meets JAWS. It has the enviable tag line: “Half Dinosaur! Half Sea Monster! All Trouble!” and was born to be turned into a drinking game.

Grizzled antihero badass (thus, his name) Jackson Slate (Brian Krause, or Leo from CHARMED) owes the Jamaican Godfather (or Tariq) a bunch of money, and plans to pay them back (probably) with a bunch of Mayan gold, apparently located on the bottom of the ocean by the mysterious “Blue Hole,” near an island off the coast of Belize.

They essentially blow up an underwater mountain to uncover the doubloons, but instead…wake up a long dormant hell-beast of the deep. Meet POSEIDON REX, or P-Rex, and thankfully, the action ramps up within moments.

Jackson somehow survives the initial attack, and is found by a couple tourists (who happen to be a couple, Rod and Jane), bronzed and studly Henry (Berne Velasquez) and voluptuous marine biologist turned love interest Sarah (Anne McDaniels), who prefers to take off her shirt when she works.

Tarik, with his creepy damaged eye and gaudy Hawaiian shirt, receives shoulder massages in the shadows while smoking cigars, as his minions “search” for Jackson and their money.

Clearly, they will have bigger concerns…like a hulking, friggin’ dinosaur who can swim and run on land. It all comes together like a violent bro-high five, or a super strong alcoholic smoothie, as our baffled band of heroes team up with the Belize Coast Guard, AKA pirates, to take down the monster.

It doesn’t go too well:

DRINKING GAME RULES

Remember: Drink responsibly, don’t drink and drive, and don’t take a boat out to sea near Belize for a few years.

1. Any time there’s a line referencing a swimming dinosaur, or that they’re extinct, or someone vaguely talks about “something in the water,” take a drink. Double it if a character mistakenly thinks THE MASSIVE SWIMMING DINOSAUR is something other than a P-Rex.

2. Drink every time a boat is attacked, or sunk. This happens quite frequently.

3. Drink whenever someone dies. This also happens quite frequently.

4. Have a sip for every unconvincing Jamaican accent. Mind you, the film takes place in Belize, but everyone in the Caribbean talks like a Jamaican.

5. Sip on your drink any time someone mentions the foreboding “blue hole.”

6. Every time the one song on the soundtrack, the ridiculous, hilarious and infuriatingly catchy tune “Come Te Llama” (from Mark Cyrus and Gary Young; I tried and failed to find it online) comes on, drink.

7. Drink for every incredulous/wacky reaction shot.

8. Whenever the P-Rex seemingly walks on water, take a drink.

9. Every time Rod, the buff bro who abandons his girlfriend for treasure, is the worst, drink.

10. Drink every time we see a sonar device. Double it when sonar malfunctions, as it inevitably does.

11. Drink whenever Jackson volunteers to “distract” the dinosaur like that’s a skill listed on his business card, and not the dumbest idea on the planet.

12. This one won’t make sense until you see it, but sip every time we see “the human binocular.” Several times in the movie one of Tariq’s henchman uses binoculars to try and find Jackson Slate. The henchman has a henchman, the aforementioned human binocular, who silently stands by his side, and tries to find Jackson by putting his hand on his brow like a moron. It’s incredible.

13. Drink for every Steven Spielberg movie reference.

EXTREME SCUBA DIVER EDITION: Drink whenever someone talks under water while attached to a breathing apparatus. I don’t think this is possible.

Remember: Drink responsibly, don’t drink and drive, and don’t take a boat out to sea near Belize for a few years.

POSEIDON REX swims onto shore this Friday April 18th, arriving in theaters and on VOD.

At this point during SEVEN INCHES OF YOUR TIME’s brief tenure as a staple for nothing, director Don Bluth, along with owls and Edward James Olmos, have practically become the idols to whom we worship.

Don Bluth burst onto the directorial scene with THE SECRET OF NIMH in 1982, intent on combining owls and terror for the next 20 years of his film career. His resume includes AN AMERICAN TAIL, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN, ROCK-A-DOODLE, THUMBELINA, ANASTASIA and TITAN A.E. (which I recommend watching whilst gorging on pot brownies). But one movie looms over the rest of them…thanks to a litany of longneck’s.

That would be LAND BEFORE TIME (1988), a childhood classic that is now known as what kicked off a franchise that overstayed its welcome thanks to its 43 sequels. It’s easy to forget how important, sad and poignant a film the first one was, and considering Don Bluth’s track record, it’s hard to discount his part in creating a movie that will make you laugh, cry, shriek and learn the benefits of racism.

Don Bluth had some help behind the scenes, as LAND BEFORE TIME had more muscle behind it than any other movie that’s ever been made. The powerhouse of producers includes arguably the most powerful couple in Hollywood, Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall, who acted as co-executive producers, along with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, who also produced the project. You thought INDIANA JONES was George and Steve’s best collaboration, but you were wrong.

LAND BEFORE TIME is only 69 minutes long, but it packs more emotional wallop than an entire season of REBA. Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) is our host for the movie’s entirety, narrating the tale of five baby dinosaurs forced to grow up without parents mere minutes after being born, while facing the terrors of prehistoric times. There’s Littlefoot (Gabriel Damon), a Brontosaurus who watches his mother get murdered by a Sharptooth (T-Rex). Cera (Candace Hutson) is a headstrong triceratops separated from her father, Daddy Topps (the greatest Daddy character name this side of Daddy Warbucks), and won’t let you forget it. There’s the wise Rooter (also voiced by MVP Pat Hingle), who has giant Circus Peanuts for eyebrows:

Then there’s breakout (tree)star Ducky, who you either find to be the cutest dinosaur you’ve ever seen, or want to flush down the toilet.

Your heartless if it’s the latter, but I’d forgive you if you find Petrie, the hyper-sensitive, scaredy cat pterodactyl Petrie, annoying. I prefer Robin Williams’ Batty Koda myself.

Lastly there’s Spike, who’s basically an even more mute Eeyore. Together, the five orphans must travel to the Great Valley in hopes of finding more of their kind, and learning that segregation/dino-racism is bad.

Of the 12 direct-to-video sequels, none of the rest included Don Bluth, George Lucas or Steven Spielberg’s involvement. It’s hard to believe Lucas wasn’t involved in the sequelitis, but perhaps he rightfully recognized LAND BEFORE TIME as his crowning achievement, and didn’t want to fuck it up further like he did with Indy or STAR WARS.

THE LAND BEFORE TIME is nightmarish, forcing kids to come to grip with the possibility of life without their parents at a frightfully young age, but it has a powerful message: that with friends, you can accomplish anything, and beat the Sharptooth’s of the world. You’ll also learn to blame yourself for personal tragedy, but at least this time, Littlefoot has a point. It’s totally his fault his Mom died. Don’t wake up a T-Rex.

You’ll be bawling like Ducky and Spike:

I mean, COME ON:

Wanna cry more? Judith Barsi, who provides the adorable voice to Ducky, died when she was ten years old.

….Ready to drink? I thought so. Without further ado, I present…

THE LAND BEFORE TIME DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Every time Cera’s a bitch, drink.

2. Drink every time Ducky makes an annoying/endearing noise. Yep yep yep.

3. I spy, with my little eye, a dinosaur egg. Your reward? Sip dat drank.

4. Drink every time the gang is in danger.

5. And while you’re at it, drink for every different type of dinosaur.

6. Have a sip for every flashback.

7. Drink when a character says something racist (“You can’t play with longnecks”). I don’t recommend screaming “Longneck bitch!” out loud during the proceedings. You’ll be sleeping on the couch.

8. Any time Petrie is afraid, drink. Double it if you are, because this shit is terrifying.

9. Yay, a TREE STAR! Quaff your beer. Be honest, you still get a tingly when you think about the magic of tree stars.

10. Drink when parents are openly concerned about their children.

11. Drink away your sorrows whenever you cry. It’ll happen.

And that’s it. But don’t cry. The beauty of THE LAND BEFORE TIME is that there are 12 MORE SEQUELS TO ENJOY. I can’t wait for THE LAND BEFORE TIME XIII: THE WISDOM OF FRIENDS. It sounds particularly inspiring and wise. With any luck, the franchise will continue, promising an infinite number of drinking games to enjoy.

THE “GET EXTINCT” EDITION: Just soldier on to the Great Valley and drink your way through more than one sequel in a night. Be sure to have a lot of Tree Star’s on the side. 

For many in my generation, HOOK is a seminal film, perhaps outstripping even Disney’s original animated tale PETER PAN (1953). To film experts, it’s mostly reviled, or a love/hate affair. When you grew up in the 90’s (or consuming its many delectable treats), it’s hard to fathom anyone ever having a negative word to say about HOOK, but like fairies, they do exist. It’s got a 31% on Rotten Tomatoes after all, and is considered one of Steven Spielberg’s biggest duds.

But for many of us, the Academy can keep SCHINDLER’S LIST; we’ll be too busy re-watching HOOK all over again, crowing and Ru-Fi-Oh-ing to care. The film was envisioned as a sequel to J.M. Barrie’s PETER AND WENDY, positing Peter Pan after he’s all grown up and forgotten the thrills of Neverland, and his most fearsome nemesis: Captain Hook. The script came from James V. Hart and Malia Scotch Marmo, which I originally only included because Malia Scotch Marmo is an awesome name. She also co-adapted Michael Crichton’s JURASSIC PARK with David Koepp, so clearly she has some chops. James V. Hart followed up HOOK with his own children’s book in 2005 called CAPT. HOOK: THE ADVENTURES OF A NOTORIOUS YOUTH, a prequel about the crocodile fearing Captain’s adolescence. He also wrote MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND, so clearly he loves pirates, and is a genius (SAHARA, AUGUST RUSH and EPIC not withstanding). I’d say that the world of Peter Pan is all he’s got, but he also wrote CONTACT and BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA and is far more successful than I’ll ever be.

HOOK is pretty ridiculous; and it only gets crazier the older the movie gets. Robin Williams, the hairiest man alive, plays a grown up Peter Pan. He’s no longer fun or a kid, so in many ways, the mission is for Peter to become a lot like the character in JACK, when Robin Williams is a 5th grader in a 40 year old Robin Williams body and banging Jennifer Lopez (no wonder that movie is so friggin’ disturbing). Dustin Hoffman as a Rollie Fingers-like mustachioed Hook (because David Bowie turned the role down) who says lines like “To a ten year old, I’m huge” (which is a. creepy and b. hilarious since Dustin Hoffman is about 4 feet tall)? Julie Roberts as Tink? Glenn Close foreshadowed her Oscar nominated role as Albert Knobbs (in the aptly titled film ALBERT KNOBBS) as the “pirate shut in the chest with a scorpion.” A heavily made up Maggie Smith was Granny Wendy…who now kinda looks like what Maggie Smith looks like today (if she was in GANGI). It even has (the) Phil Collins as Inspector Good, and he doesn’t even break out into song. For all of these reasons and more (there’s a reason every single pop song has a line longing to be “forever young”), HOOK is a perfect nostalgic drinking game. And, since we can’t prevent ourselves from getting older by following the second star on the right, straight on till morning, at least when we drink enough, we can revert back to being a stupid, helpless child for a night. It’s just what J.M. Barrie would’ve wanted.

DRINKING GAME RULES: “Drink At Home, Jack” Edition

1. Drink every time you see a watch or a clock. Each separate watch/clock counts. I’d double it for the Crocodile Clock Tower (or, Croctower).

2. Have a sip whenever someone screams “Bangarang”! This could include those in the audience cheering on the Lost Boys.

3. Drink if anyone in the room mistakenly thinks Robin Williams’ character is named Peter Panning (so I guess keep this rule a secret). No, it’s hilariously Peter Banning. Subtle.

4. “Looky looky, I got Hoochie”: Drink for every Rufio chant. If you’re not crying when he wishes Peter Pan was his father, you’re either stone-hearted, or realized Robin Williams was a terrible Dad throughout the entire film. Also, watch this if you wanna get sad about Dante Basco’s “career”:

5. Take a sip and exalt in happiness and glory whenever Raushan Hammond’s Thud Butt smiles. Thud Butt’s smile is one of the purest pleasures in life.

6. Waterfall for however long Thud Butt is in “bowling ball” mode.

7. Drink any time a character crows.

8. Finish your drink whenever a fairy dies.

9. Drink for every over-the-top (Peter’s afraid of flying!) to subtle (check out his immense shadow when he’s about to blow up at his kids) reference to Peter Pan and his Neverland origins.

10. Drink when you realize Gwyneth freaking Paltrow is young Wendy. There’s probably a joke in here somewhere in the fact that she plays a young Queen Elizabeth and Dame Maggie Smith…is British and not Dame Judi Dench.

11. Take a sip every time Robin Williams brandishes his super old and dated cell phone.

12. Drink every time Hook says “Run home, Jack.”

13. This isn’t a rule, but when we learn that Peter Pan’s origin story involves his parents leaving him in a bundle floating on the river…it’s clear that in an alternate universe, when Peter Pan grows up, he becomes THE PENGUIN!

Alright, that’s all for now. Until the inevitable RUFIO movie that absolutely needs to happen, and would break box office records if so (or at least it would if James Cameron was directing it in the ENTOURAGE movie).

LOSE YOUR MARBLES VERSION: Drink every time someone says Hook. Seriously, don’t try this at home, or anywhere, or you’ll be saying Toodles to your sanity, and the cleanliness of your carpet.

EXPERT VERSION: Don’t buy any beer at all, and just “imagine” there is booze in front of you. If you pull this off, you’re either God, or a psychopath. I want you at my party either way.