San Diego Comic-Con is at a tipping point.

This was my second year at Comic-Con, so I’m by no means an expert, but I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say that SDCC has become bloated, unwieldy, daunting and to be honest, kind of miserable, at times. It’s exhausting, insane and becoming less worth it by the year. There’s enough programming, panels and events to fit over a whole month: if that happened, the result would be much like The Hunger Games. But instead, it’s all squeezed from Wednesday night to Sunday night.

This year, there were innumerable moments when I wished I was in bed and wondering why I was operating on 2 hours sleep to hear god awful fan questions (“Can I hear your Bones laugh, Emily?” THERE ARE 189 EPISODES OF BONES TO REFER TO, WOMAN), and this time I didn’t have to set up or break down a booth and work for months before the event to prepare. It was just me, and what I wanted to do. That should be enough, except it’s impossible to do exactly what you want to do at Comic-Con.

It certainly feels like Comic-Con could very well collapse in on itself, that we’re fast approaching a Ragnarokian implosion, something that might be necessary to bring the event under control. Hollywood loves a good reboot, right?

Comic-Con bills itself as for the fans, but I think that’s a naive way of looking at it. Comic-Con is a massive money-making scheme; it’s not for the fans. It’s for the studios that are using Comic-Con and us to do the marketing and word of mouth for them, taking advantage of our passion and love for these characters. Comic-Con can make or break movies. We are killing ourselves waiting in line to watch trailers a few months before we can pay 17 dollars to see them in theaters, or watch them online for free. It’s pretty silly, yet we keep doing it year after year, and feel like we got a show.

Comic-Con has become a place where Playboy has a Bates Motel-themed party. You can’t get in unless you’re somebody, and San Diego’s Gas Lamp quarter is filled with these parties with exclusive guest lists, open bars and/or covers throughout the week. Unless you’re high ranking press or a celebrity, or you’re lucky enough to win a contest, you’re not cool enough to get in, exactly the kind of thing you’d think Comic-Con shouldn’t be about.

Bless Zachary Levi and NerdHQ, who hosted a free-for-all dance party on Thursday night, and hold panels with the benefits going to a good cause. Felicia Day’s Geek & Sundry turned Jolt ‘n Joes into a lounge and party through Wednesday and Friday, open to anybody. These are the kinds of events that Comic-Con should be about, and the equivalent of Slamdance to Comic-Con’s Sundance. Every year, more and more people flock to NerdHQ instead of the Convention Center, to the point where their panels featuring Nathan Fillion, Stephen Amell and Tatiana Maslany sell out in minutes (so maybe it’s not that accessible, but at least your money goes to Operation Smile rather than 20th Century FOX). This is the future of Comic-Con.

If you asked A., who came all the way from Moscow, her face would light up, as she promised to come back to San Diego again as soon as she could afford it. She got to meet Jamie Bamber of Battlestar Galactica, happy to pay his signing fee (even knowing it was irresponsible), and raved nonstop about John Barrowman’s hilarious panel. She also got to walk in to Hall H to see the hunks of Supernatural on Sunday, when many of us were too tired to give a fuck.

Al. flew all the way from Kitchener, Canada, and spent Friday night in line just to see The Hobbit panel, and left before Marvel and the rest of the fanfare. She came with her Mom and sister, who were happy to sleep in the hotel. I got the sense that she was drawn to San Diego for the experience, and wanted to live it, rather than needing to be in Hall H, or obsessed with the shows and movies many of us spent hours talking about while we waited.

D. has been going to Comic-Con for 8 years straight, ever since she moved to San Diego. She lives and breathes it, and coordinates line waiting with her friends, and was in Hall H every night save Thursday, when she only got in line at 5 AM before the 10 AM panels.

If there’s one upside to the lines, its making friends with who you’re stuck with. You meet people from all over the world, people who share many of the same interests as you, and will also pound mercilessly at you for the shows and movies you haven’t seen (do I really have to watch The 100?). Everyone’s different, but we’re all the same, wondering incessantly if we’re going to get into Ballroom 20 or Hall H, and debating how many in the cast will show up for the panel. Many complained, but still others accepted their fate, and were happy to camp outside.

Everyone is going to have a different experience and that is part of the beauty that remains of Comic-Con. Some people camped out to get into Hall H all four nights, and will do the same until they have crippling back injuries, and that’s worth it to them (many I think do it out of imaginary obligation, wanting to prove how much they care about a movie or show or movie star; the longer you wait in line, the bigger Walking Dead fan you are). Some actually go to San Diego to see their favorite comic book writers and artists. Whoa. Many just like to dress up, as Cosplay is an industry and sub-society on its own (and it’s wonderful). Others just want to take in the spectacle, to be where the party’s at. I wonder how many even get in; there were these two elderly women who somehow got seats in Hall H on Saturday, and looked blankly at me when I told them Marvel was up next (“What’s that?”). Seriously?

I love catching the various pilots, months before they come out, discovering the next hit shows before everyone else. The 12 year old who still resides in me who discovered Kevin Smith movies was delighted to see the man himself rejuvenated creatively, and talking excitedly about his next trilogy of movies. I got goosebumps and teary eyed watching and singing along to Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s “Once More With Feeling” in a jam-packed room of Whedon worshipers, as Nicholas Brendon ran up to the stage to sing Xander’s songs with the rest of us, something he’s done for the past four years. That is the power and magic of Comic-Con, that still lives and breathes in corners of the Convention Center. You just have to know where to look for it.

Look, I love this stuff. I check EW, io9, Deadline, Variety, et all, ALL DAY, to the detriment of everything else I should be doing. I love following pop culture news, whether it’s casting, sequels, new films, what brand of shoes Oliver Queen will be wearing. But sometimes, enough is enough, and the negative outweighs the positive, and I think that’s what has transpired with Comic-Con.

I love the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it’s emphasis on the overarching story, and the end credit sequences, and WHAT COMES NEXT, while addictive and something I’m so hard for, puts the onus on release dates, future events, with the story and content in the actual movies almost an after thought, the entree when we prefer the appetizers, dessert and Easter eggs. To be clear, Captain America: The Winter Soldier is the best film in the entire MCU (or right up there with Iron Man and Avengers), and it’s the most recent, but once we’ve seen the end credits, our discussion inevitably leads to what’s coming next, rather than what we just saw. That is Comic-Con in a nutshell; it feels like we’re James Woods perpetually scurrying after another piece of candy.

We’re paying tons of money for advertising. We’re waiting in line to see cast and crew promise vague greatness (“No show is like _____,” “Anything can happen on ______,” “Nobody is safe on ______”) or worse, pat their backs for a season well done (“Oh my god, can we talk about _____?”). We’re dooming our legs to a perpetual state of falling asleep so we can hear everyone toe the line when it comes to spoilers or providing any sort of useful information. “You know as much as I do [nothing],” “That’s up to the writers/producers/conglomerates to share,” “I can’t answer that, can I?” or “You’ll have to tune in to find out.” or “Insert masturbatory phrasing here.” The whole thing is decidedly masturbatory.

There’s the bizarre “we just started shooting/haven’t started shooting yet so we don’t really have any footage” dance that is played at EVERY panel, which is followed by groans and cries of protest, like we actually believe them, every time, until Zack Snyder/whomever relents, smiles/winks and says…”BUT here’s a little something.” Then we freak out, clap and are ready for what’s next, rinse, repeat.

The exhibit hall is a paradise, but that paradise has become overrun, like a Heaven with no standards, as you jostle through crowds to buy overpriced Comic-Con exclusives and things you don’t need, while hoping you don’t piss off Lou Ferrigno. It’s nerd Christmas, if everyone was trying to get their hands on the Turbo Man doll. You can meet Evangeline Lily, but you’ll have to sacrifice the entire day to do it.

George Miller and the Mad Max series is great (and Fury Road looks AWESOME), but his arrival into Hall H, and the reboot of Mad Max was marketed and promoted as something that we owed him for, that we needed to worship this legendary man making his first Comic-Con appearance. Even The Hobbit panel, which rightfully celebrated Peter Jackson and company’s extraordinary achievements with LOTR and The Hobbit trilogy, reeked of self-congratulation.

To get into Hall H on Saturday so I could see George Miller, Peter Jackson and the WB, Legendary and Marvel’s panels, I had to get in line at 9:15 PM the night before. And I barely got in, limping into the auditorium five minutes before the first panel, so I can watch these actors on the big screen (I have a better view of baseball players from the Upper Deck than the actors on the stage, oftentimes), no different than if I was watching the panels in the Playback room later on in the day.

It’s impossible to live up to the hype, to be worth the wait. Forget even the 13 hour over night wait. Many of us have been waiting all year for this, setting up impossible expectations. What do we even want to see? My imagination runs rampant for the entire month preceding it, dreaming up wild scenarios where a CGI’d James Spader struts onstage as Ultron, and if not Benedict Cumberbatch or Joaquin Phoenix as Dr. Strange, that I walk up in the red cloak, announced as the new Sorcerer Supreme. Short of Black Panther, Doctor Strange and Ms. Marvel green-lit, with the stars announced and in person/costume, a small part of me was going to be disappointed by whatever Marvel does, and they consistently put on the best show of all. I was astounded by the awesome Avengers: Age of Ultron footage we did see, and loved seeing the cast of Avengers together on stage, as excited as we all were. It truly is a treasure to see your favorite actors in person, to see how funny, charming, cute, nervous and real they are, to see the other side of a character you consider family and friend. But aside from a Guardians of the Galaxy 2 announcement that hardly felt surprising, the whole proceedings were short on news.

Plus, almost all of the sneak peaks, trailers, gag reels and previews are online as soon as we see it. There’s something to be said for seeing it first in an unparalleled atmosphere, with the stars present, surrounded by people who love and cherish these things as much as you do, but I couldn’t help but feel miffed that I could’ve watched everything save the Avengers footage from the comfort of my bedroom. And even the latter could be seen if I wanted to support the scumbags who record grainy footage on their phone/camera and post it on YouTube. I realize I sound like a cranky old man, especially to those who have never been to Comic-Con, but sometimes the fiction is better than the reality.

But I’m a sucker, and if I’m lucky enough to get press access again next year, I’ll be doing this stressful dance again, because I still feel like I’ll be missing something if I don’t. But will I? Even so, I’m going to do it a lot differently. I think I can say goodbye to Hall H, and follow along on Twitter and YouTube like the rest of the world, while getting to see some of the smaller movies and TV shows before they get into Hall H, like Sleepy Hollow, Orphan Black, Intruders, Vikings and Outlander the past couple of years. Or maybe I’ll even go to some comic book panels. What a radical idea.

During this last watch-through of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (yes, this was Buffy-binge #8) I really had a wonderful appreciation of all the speeches that happened over the course of those glorious seven seasons. There were some funny ones, some touching ones, some angering ones and because I spend way more time on Buzzfeed than I’ll ever admit, I decided to do one more BtVS ranking of all the best ones. Below is a comprehensive list of the top 25 BtVS wordsmithings. When necessary they’ve been edited together to exclude interrupting dialogue, or little snippets that were not wholly necessary to the point of the speech. A few had to have minimal lines of the opposing dialogue and those are marked (in parenthesis). Good luck, and I’d grab a box of tissues if I was you.

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25. I’d shame myself forever if I left this little blurb off the list because the fact is, this was the most uncomfortably erotic speech in the entire show (although that balcony scene at the Bronze in season 6… Don’t act like you don’t know exactly which one I’m talking about. ‘Cause Gawddamn.) You couldn’t stop squirming and blushing and looking away and peeping through your fingers the entire time that Faith/Buffy/Bodyswap inched closer and closer to… the champagne. But srsly, name me one person who didn’t love this scene. Go on. I’ll wait.

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24. This one surprised me being so low on the list. It was one of my favorite episodes, yet the end speech was a little lack-luster compared to some of the other hunkers on the list. It’s still touching, but not quite the tear jerker without having watched the entire episode first.

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23. The first time we get a little sassy-Willow speech. It was not to be trifled with nor ignored. Poor Giles and Angel got scolded.

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22. Our first intimate encounter with the self-righteous side of our slayer. Basically, if you can get through this speech without wanting to slap her indignant face, you’re in good shape. If you can’t… Just stop watching the show. (But really, this speech was great.)

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21. This was actually one of my least favorite speeches in the show because Buffy’s ego is the size of Carrot Tops’ hair, but it still serves to illustrate a good point: The rules and laws of keeping balance between good and evil are Buffy’s, and Buffy’s alone. We’ve known it the entire show, but it hasn’t truly been tested in a few seasons. It was a good way to start the finale season by getting back to the basics.

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20. Again, with the Willowtude. For a brief moment we catch a glimpse of her power and the woman she’s still turning into: powerful and resolute.

No good GIF of BossWillow immediately available. Sad face.

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19. This. For how little we saw of Mr. Travers, he sure made a huge impact on the fandom. My only real problem is that we didn’t see him again (until he got blowed up, anyway). Any communication between Buffy and The Watchers’ Council was perfect, and this speech was even doubly more perfect. I’m still dreaming of a Watchers’ Council spinoff…

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18. This episode. This speech. This everything. We saw little bits of William (and William the Bloody) here and there throughout the series, but this episode was wonderful. It not only gave us more insight into William as a human, but also into what helped turn him into the monster we first met back in Season 2. Not to mention the chemistry (or, as some argue, sexual tension) between James Marsters and D.B. Woodside was phenomenal.

Spike, 7×17/Lies My Parents Told Me: I wasn’t talking to you. I don’t give a piss about your mum. She was a slayer. I was a vampire. That’s the way the game is played. She knew what she was signing up for. (Well, I didn’t sign up for it.)  Well, that’s the rub, innit? You didn’t sign up for it. (…She was my world.) And you weren’t hers. Doesn’t that piss you off? I know slayers. No matter how many people they’ve got around them, they fight alone. Life of the chosen one. The rest of us be damned. Your mother was no different. (No, she loved me.) But not enough to quit, though, was it? Not enough to walk away– For you. I’ll tell you a story about a mother and son. See, like you, I loved my mother. So much so I turned her into a vampire, so we could be together forever. She said some nasty bits to me after I did that. Been weighing on me for quite some time. But you helped me figure something out. You see, unlike you, I had a mother who loved me back. When I sired her, I set loose a demon, and it tore into me, but it was the demon talking, not her. I realize that now. My mother loved me with all her heart. I was her world.

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17. Firstly, did anyone else love how Spike was there when her mom found out about her? No? Just me? This entire scene was so masterfully conceived – a coming out that didn’t allow for a sit-down-show-and-tell, but rather an in-your-face-can’t-talk-gotta-go-kick-some-demon-ass where Buffy has to physically push her mother off of her so she can leave the house… Yowza. This entire sequence brought even more tension to already horrifying situation.

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16. Spike and Riley’s chemistry was unbelievable at times, and who didn’t love watching the two of them fight over Miss Summers? We’d been watching Spike pine and try to forget his feelings for B for a long time by the time episode 10 happened, but the moment that he confesses – out loud – to Riley – that he’s into Buffy, there’s a beauttiful moment of vulnerability that the two doomed fellas share that just heartbreaking. And maybe a little sexy. Maybe.

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15. Anya had quite a few great words to share over the course of the show. This speech in particular was something the fans adored. It was yet another layer on top of the foundation Anya laid out in “The Body” where she’s slowly starting to become more and more human, and appreciating and admiring their strength (against her better judgment).

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14. We already knew Angel was leaving the show for his spin-off, but having such an exquisite and delightfully maniacal villain speak the truth neither Buffy or Angel wanted to hear was the perfect push out the door.

Unfortunately GIFs of The Mayor during S3 are scarce, so here’s this instead.

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13. This little dialogue was such a beautiful precursor to the horror of Xander’s plight that followed mere minutes after. Poor Xand.

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12. Anyone who can watch such a young, babyfaced Buffy crying about how she doesn’t want to die at 16 without bawling themselves is dead inside.

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11. Spike had some great speeches over the course of the show. Some really, really great speeches. I’d be the worst fan in the history of fandom if I excluded his dark, twisted jab at Buffy during an all-time favorite, “Fool for Love.” The editing of this scene, cutting between Nikki Wood and Buffy with the voiceover of Spike taunting Buffy as he explained how he killed Wood was just excellent. Bravo.

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10. We knew something was wrong. We all understood that Buffy came back from the dead and obviously she was different, but we knew there had to be something more. I just don’t think any of us really expected this. I, for one, never predicted the huge curveball that they threw at the audience: that Buffy was in heaven. A quiet and haunting one-sided-exchange between our fallen hero (see what I did there?) and the demon who would die for her helped establish the tumultuous relationship they would undertake until the end.

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9. I did not include this speech in the top ten because it was Spike [yet again] professing his love to our bubbly blond (although who didn’t love that?). I included it because it was the first time we really saw his soul since he got it back. The Spike of Season 6 was all about seducing Buffy into darkness, yet this Spike can only tell her how much he loves who she truly is. It, for me, the actual turning point of his character (although they [and more specifically, he] had quite a few tender moments throughout the season.)

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8. Buffy’s been beat the eff down. What’s she do? Get up and tell everyone how she’s gonna kick Evil’s ass. If that’s not the definition of why we love her, nothing is.

Buffy 7×10/Bring on the Night: I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond scared. I’m standing on the mouth of hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it’ll choke on me. We’re not ready? They’re not ready. They think we’re gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I’m done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, we’ll give ’em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now.’Cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won’t just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I’ll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that’s us. Any questions?

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7. In re-watching BtVS, I had to admit that I really loved Faith in Season 7. Her time in jail and the shows’ progression and maturity over the years really did wonders to her characters’ development. She came back to SunnyD with the same bad-girl attitude with a better head on her shoulders and much more self-awareness than she had when she left, and this scene was all we really wanted over the course of the show: for our girls to realize that they were the same.

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6. Anya’s speech in “Empty Places” was a point of contention among fans for a long, long time (and probably still is). Some thought Anya was completely out of line and had no authority to pass any kind of judgment against Buffy, yet I tend to the think the opposite. This was a powerful, disturbing moment when all of her friends have turned against for the first time in a long time, and even with all her power, Buffy is powerless to change their minds. Anya always had a bit of truth serum running through her veins, and with this little bit she finally let loose and scolded Buffy for having a superiority complex.

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5. No explanation necessary.

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4. I loved this speech. It wasn’t just empowering to the Potentials in Buffyverse, but empowering to all girls and women – every girl does have the power to stand up, so why want until you’re told it’s ok? Do it the fuck now.

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3. I don’t know whether to rank this higher or lower because of Emma Caulfield’s confession that she was crying because she really had to pee and they wouldn’t let her until they finished the scene. Regardless, the emotional impact of this speech is what brought fans to their knees praising her performance until the show’s finale two years later.

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2. All these years, and Xander has always been the laughing joke, the boy with no power, the useless human whose only contribution is sarcasm. And here, in this speech that gets me misty-eyed just by reading it, he has once again proved that he is so much more. His awareness of who he is and what he does and how he helps is so far from the nerdy joker we met back in Season 1. He truly is the heart of the Scoobies. Once again, he reminds us why we, the fans, lean on him for support and strength, and at the same time gets those who hadn’t noticed before that moment to recognize the wonderful character Dawn has finally become. She started off as a brat that you’d bury 6-feet under if given the chance, yet over the first half of this season (and even some of late-6), she’s become an intelligent, confident young woman who is not only devoted to the cause but provides some of the most valuable support in the entire season.

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1. The first three years were tough for Buffy… And us. We watched her work so hard to save everyone constantly and never receive any gratitude from anyone outside her own immediate clique. Thinking she’d gone unnoticed and unappreciated all these years, “The Prom” was the most compassionate and poignant speech we had the pleasure of witnessing.

In conclusion, this.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb4rmm0l4PU&w=560&h=315]

Ranking my favorite show of all time has caused me laugh, cry, scream and hide in a dark, dark corner. I relived the best times, tried to desperately to ignore the worst ones, and have landed through all my blood, sweat and tears at the final countdown.

7. 1×12 Prophecy Girl: A great Season One finale. “Prophecy Girl” took a risk in having our heroine drown (however momentarily) in order to make sure we knew she was not immune to death nor sacrifice. Xander being the only one able to provide CPR and bring her back not only foreshadowed his role in her life – keeping her grounded and protecting her through thick and thin – but also the imminent demise of her relationship with Angel who couldn’t give her the most basic thing a human body needs: oxygen. In the first touching speech of many to come Buffy declares, “Giles, I’m sixteen years old! I don’t want to die.” and the audience begins to feel the weight of her role in the universe.

6. 3×22 Graduation Day, Part Two: Three years of surviving all that Sunnydale High could think to throw at them, we not only watched, but grew with the Scoobies; we saw them win some, saw them lose some, saw them laugh and cry and save their friends and peers countless times, and it all boiled down to “Graduation Day.” The final chapter where the class of ’99 would leave the school one way or another, dead or alive, came to a touching and charred conclusion where the only way to save our team was to blow up their base of operations and safety net: the high school library.

5. 4×22 Restless: Love it or hate it, this episode was perfect. Not a single word written in this 42 minute-dreamscape was a waste, unnecessary, or fluff. Even the cheese man had purpose. A deliberate and beautifully crafted series of vignettes, this episode gave hints of the trials to come, insight into the Scoobies minds’, and a look at the First Slayer: someone who would haunt us until the Series finale three years later.

4. 7×22 Chosen: The series finale gave us what we wanted most: Buffy to be not be alone, Willow to be at peace, Faith to be accepted… It rounded out all of our heroes’ journeys and left us with a feeling of calm that no matter what happened here on out everything would be ok.

3. 2×22 Becoming, Part Two: This finale, like “Prophecy Girl”, gave us a look at the future, whether we wanted it or not. We saw that Buffy would sacrifice what she had to, regardless of what it cost her and how powerful Willow would really become when she returned Angel’s soul to him from a hospital bed. “Becoming, Part Two” was a solid, emotionally complex and gut-wrenching episode that will forever help to define Buffy as a cult masterpiece.

2. 6×07 Once More with Feeling: Choosing to rank “Once More with Feeling” second was incredibly difficult. Where many have failed before, Joss Whedon succeeds flawlessly, giving us an incredible musical episode where you may not expect it. The world he created over the previous five and a half years lent itself wonderfully to being able to incorporate such a fantastically whimsical episode, and the execution of it was so far above our expectations that it left us in awe. The musical numbers, the revelations and the reveals in this classic episode were designed remarkably tight; they left no flaw or blemish, but instead a superb episode full of songs, laughs and maybe even a few tears.

1. 5×16 The Body: Over the years, I have watched a lot of television. I have marathoned show, after show, after show; Merlin, Breaking Bad, Oz, Game of Thrones, Supernatural, Fringe, Sons of Anarchy (currently), and so many more that I could go on for days, but none of these shows, none of these shows’ individual episodes, can hold a candle to the grace and beauty that was “The Body.” This episode dealt with death in a most spectacular and peculiar way. It didn’t gloss over it with a sad song and a montage of people crying, throwing things, having sex, being at a funeral or getting drunk off cheap whiskey. This episode was devoid of music to cover the silence and fast edits to show everyone that needed to be seen. This episode was haunting. It was stagnant and soft, and echoed feelings of reticence and stillness; a static that you might feel after someone close to you passes. From Buffy trying so desperately to administer CPR that she cracks one of her mothers’ ribs, to Tara telling Buffy how she relates and has been through the same, the speech written for Anya where she begs for someone to explain to her why death happens, Willow unable to find the shirt she wanted to wear – the blue one that Joyce liked – and the fantasies and flashbacks Buffy experiences throughout the whole of the episode… These long, arduous moments of grief were given to us, the viewer, with a sense of understanding, comfort, and trust: that we can all grieve together and that it’s ok to not understand why it happened or know what to do, but that we can all be there to share in the loss as one cohesive whole. “The Body” was an episode that unified the fans and the creative team, regardless of what they felt about which character or any specific storyline or plot. “The Body” was not just an episode where a character we loved died, it was an episode that allowed us to seek solace in one another and to appreciate those we have in our lives. “The Body” was the most agonizing, difficult and human episode of television I have ever seen.

I guess I shouldn’t complain about having to rank the episodes of my favorite television show when I volunteered to do it… But in all honesty, this is how I feel. This list will be each seasons’ episodes ranked individually, with a brief synopsis (and probably a quote, because the show just has some really good lines in it). Some will have opinions that I couldn’t keep in, and others will have outlines that were bias based on what happened in the actual episode. If I have to choose between two lines about Spike’s story or two lines about Riley’s, you’d better be damn sure I’ll give you Spike’s.

SEASON ONE:

11. 08 I Robot… You, Jane: Poor Willow. She gets conned into falling for a demon that’s been uploaded into the computer. If that’s not super 90’s, nothing is. No one wanted to see our favorite nerd get punk’d.

10. 03 The Witch: This episode introduced a character that will become pretty pivotal in a later season, but the whole mom-stealing-her-daughters-identity-so-she-can-relive-her-glory-days-as-a-cheerleader-thing was really effing strange.

9. 04 Teacher’s Pet: A substitute teacher is a huge praying mantis demon that seduces Xander and tries to kill him. Not the best, but certainly entertaining. This episode also started the much loved and ongoing joke about how he was a demon magnet.

8. 05 Never Kill a Boy on the First Date: Our first foray into why Buffy could never date a normal guy. Also: Angel.

7. 10 Nightmares: A sad episode that gave the viewer a Sunnydale-look into a little boy suffering physical abuse at the hands of his softball coach. When did TV stop being this good?!

6. 01/02 Welcome to the Hellmouth/The Harvest: The 2-part series premiere. We met our characters, fell in love with an old British librarian, and were kinda skeptical because these two were very, extremely not good. Pick up any dictionary and next to the entry “Campy” you’ll see a screenshot of these episodes.

5. 11 Out of Mind, Out of Sight: My first introduction to the amazing Clea DuVall. Whatever happened to that school for assassins that was shown at the end? Spinoff, you say?

4. 09 The Puppet Show: Creep factor is way high and totally deserved. Ventriloquists are the worst, but this episode was wonderfully crafted.

3. 06 The Pack: A totally underrated episode where Xander is infected with some ancient hyena God and proceeds to terrorize and victimize Sunnydale High. Poor Principle Flutie.

2. 07 Angel: Buffy – and the audience – finds out her mysterious hunk of tall, dark and broody is a vamp.

1. 12 Prophecy Girl: Buffy’s first sacrifice (read: death) in order to save the world. “How can I say this clearly? I don’t like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you’re a vampire. But Buffy’s got this big old yen for you. She thinks you’re a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.” [Xander]

SEASON TWO:

22. 18 Killed By Death: This episode was a waste of 42 minutes. Buffy gets sick, goes to hospital and saves some kids. That’s very heroic and so completely boring.

21. 12 Bad Eggs: An episode about killer eggs where the entire school is under control of baby demons. Wat?

20. 05 Reptile Boy: Buffy and Cordelia go to a frat party that ends up being a sacrifice to some demon God that keeps the boys rich and successful post-college. Good enough laughs, not good enough an episode.

19. 20 Go Fish: Xander in a swimsuit, young Wentworth Miller, Buffy the Bodyguard. Ok by me.

18. 07 Lie to Me: Roswell-BtVS crossover, except not really. Jason Behr comes to town as Buffy’s old crush from Los Angeles, admits to her that he knows she’s the slayer, makes a deal with Spike and ends up getting himself staked by the Buffster at the end of the episode.

17. 11 Ted: One of the few episodes where Buffy’s actions have real-world consequences when she’s suspected killing her mom’s boyfriend, Ted. Of course, it’s later revealed that Ted is a robot, but for a quick minute Blondie McSlay is in deep with the cops, her mom, and her classmates for having murdered an average Joe.

16. 16 Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered: Xander + Lovespell. AWESOME.

15. 04 Inca Mummy Girl: We met Oz! What was the rest of the episode about, again?

14. 02 Some Assembly Required: This episode shocks me every time I watch it. Not because a dude raised his bro from the grave, then proceeded to play Doctor by Frankensteining his walking dead sibling a new ladyfriend, but because by the end you’re really sad for the zombie brother that it didn’t work out in his favor. It wasn’t his fault he was brought back; he just didn’t want to be alone.

13. 01 When She Was Bad: Buffy’s attitude post-death-#1 starts to impact all those around her, and luckily the ever sassy Cordelia smacks her into shape. “Whatever is causing the Joan Collins ‘tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. ‘Cause pretty soon you’re not even gonna have the loser friends you’ve got now.” [Cordelia]

12. 06 Halloween: The Scooby Gang is turned into their costumes on Halloween courtesy of Giles’ old pal Ethan Rayne. Xander turns into an army guy (the training stays in his head until the end of the show, which was quite clever), Willow into a [slutty] ghost, and Buffy into a 19^th century lady… So, completely useless in their fight against Spike at the end of the episode. “She couldn’t’ve dressed up like Xena?” [Willow]

11. 09 What’s My Line, Part One: A bunch of random assassins hired by Spike and Drusilla go after the Scoobies during Career Week at Sunnydale High, and we meet a mysterious girl who locks Angel in a cage that’ll be showered in sunlight come dawn. “Y’know, with that kind of attitude you could’ve had a bright future as an employee at the DMV.” [Xander]

10. 10 What’s My Line, Part Two: Mysterious girl turns out to be Kendra the Vampire Slayer that was Chosen when Buffy died at the end of S01. Oz gets shot saving Willow, and Spike gets crippled during a fight with the gang. (His luck only goes downhill from here, poor thing.)

9. 08 The Dark Age: Jenny Calendar and Giles are finally starting to get close and even dating a little bit when Ethan Rayne shows back up with a demon from Giles’ dark days in tow. The demon possesses Jenny and she pulls back from her and Giles’ relationship, which is only one the saddest things ever.

8. 03 School Hard: We meet Spike and his crazy lover Drusilla for the first time during parent-teacher night at school. Buffy takes charge and her mother Joyce sees just a glimpse of who her little girl really is. (Fun fact about Spike: He was supposed to be killed off in S02, but the writers, producers and fans liked him so much they kept him on and in S04 he finally became a regular until the end of the series.)

7. 15 Phases: Oz turns into a werewolf for the first time, and Willow’s totally cool with it. Like a boss. “Well, I like you. You’re nice and you’re funny. And you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I’m not much fun to be around either.” [Willow]

6. 19 I Only Have Eyes for You: The spirits of lovers past who died at Sunnydale High come back and haunt the students, eventually inhabiting Buffy and Angel and allowing the dead spirits to reconcile and find peace all while eerily resembling B+A’s current situation. If you don’t cry during this episode, you‘re a robot. “Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend’s gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.” [Buffy]

5. 13 Surprise: Buffy and Angel get frisky after a big fight, Angel gets set on the path to lose his soul, the fandom has a collective heart attack.

4. 14 Innocence: The initial aftermath of Angel reverting back into Angelus (his soulless alter-ego). Buffy doesn’t understand until late in the episode what happened, and by then your blankets are already soaked in tears and your voice is gone from screaming at the TV. “You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I’d known how easily you’d give it up, I wouldn’t have even bothered.” [Angelus]

3. 21 Becoming, Part One: The set-up to the gut-wrenching, heart-shattering, world-ending season finale. “Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does.”[Whistler]

2. 17 Passion: The death of our beloved Jenny Calendar. Always be prepared and have a box [or 20] of tissues handy. “I’m sorry, but let’s not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying ‘I told you so’ long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, ‘Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!’” [Xander]

1. 22 Becoming, Part Two: Buffy sacrifices a newly re-souled Angel; he already opened the gates to hell and the only way to close them was to kill the being that opened them to begin with. Your heart and soul will be crushed. Spike and Buffy team up for the first time, and Joyce finds out what Buffy is. “And I may lose more! The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help ’cause your girlfriend’s a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.” [Buffy]

SEASON THREE:

22. 11 Gingerbread: A witch hunt takes over the town thanks to some random demon that dresses itself up like two little kids. One of the witches turns herself into a rat (see S01E03 “The Witch”).

21. 01 Anne: Buffy ran away to Los Angeles after she killed a re-en-souled Angel in the S02 finale. Her friends have taken over her slayage duties, and she tries to live a normal life as best she can, while wallowing in her misery all alone.

20. 04 Beauty and the Beasts: An abusive dick with control issues starts to harm his girlfriend and Oz, the resident werewolf, is first on the list of suspects.

19. 03 Faith, Hope and Trick: Angel comes back from hell and we meet Faith: the new slayer that was Chosen after Kendra’s death.

18. 10 Amends: Angel is haunted by the First Evil who tries to convince him to kill himself. Buffy saves the day. I used to really love this episode, but the more I watch it the less impactful it becomes; it’s still very good but it doesn’t stand tall on its own the way some others do.

17. 16 Doppelgängland: Vengeance demon Anya does a spell-gone-wrong and brings Willow’s lesbian-vampire-Doppelgänger-from-an-alternate-universe to Sunnydale.

16. 13 The Zeppo: The Zeppo really hits home for a lot of folks and succeeds at what Joss does best; giving power to the little guy. This episode follows Xander as he’s shafted from the Scoobies (who all seem to have some power or other, while he just “gets in the way”) and gets himself into a mess of his own with some undead peers who decide to blow up the school. “You know, it’s not like I haven’t helped before. I’ve done some quality violence for these people.” [Xander]

15. 05 Homecoming: Cordelia and Buffy’s animosity is at an all-time high while they run against each other for Homecoming Queen. The Scoobies band together and set them up to ride in the limo alone together, which of course gets highjacked by demons. They end up coming to a mutual understanding and respect for the others’ world and kick some serious demon ass.

14. 07 Revelations: Faith gets a new Watcher and the Scoobies angrily learn about Angel’s return. “Excuse me, Mary Poppins, but you don’t seem to be listening.” [Faith]

13. 17 Enemies: A now-evil Faith and The Mayor decide to take Angel’s soul. Some good acting on his part and a demon that owes Giles a debt reveals Faiths true colors to the gang. “Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.” [Giles]

12. 15 Consequences: “Consequences” and “Bad Girls” kinda go hand-in-hand, but I had to choose which one I preferred. “Consequences” faces the aftermath of Faith having killed a human and trying to blame it on Buffy. Angel tries to get through to her and almost succeeds, but [Buffy’s] new watcher barges in and tries to cart her off to England to be put under a psychiatric hold of the Watchers’ Council. She escapes, and teams up with the bad guys instead.

11. 14 Bad Girls: Giles has just been fired from the Watchers’ Council and his stuffy replacement arrives. Faith drags Buffy into her world of reckless abandonment and carelessness that costs a human man his life. “I didn’t get this job because of my looks.” [Wesley]

10. 09 The Wish: Xander and Willow have made a mess of their relationships and Cordelia, viewing Buffy as the reason her life is in shambles, unknowingly asks vengeance demon Anya to create a world where Buffy had never come to Sunnydale. Alternate universe has: Xander and Willow as S&M vampires, Angel as a slave to the Master (Big Bad from S01), Giles and Oz fighting to protect the humans because Giles’ slayer never arrived in town, and trained soldier Buffy showing up to stake all her former-friends-now-vampires. Bad ass episode. “World is what it is. We fight, we die. Wishing doesn’t change that.” [AU Buffy]

9. 06 Band Candy: Cursed candy turns the town’s adults into teenagers so the vampires can steal children and sacrifice them to a demon. Also: Joyce and Giles bone. Repeatedly.

8. 08 Lovers Walk: A dumped Spike comes rollin’ back into Sunny-D and kidnaps Willow and Xander to help him perform a love spell on Drusilla. Tensions between Willow and Xander rise to an all-time high, and Cordy and Oz come to rescue them, only to see some smooches happening instead. Cordelia flees the scene, steps on some broken stairs, and falls through the floor of the abandoned warehouse, getting an iron rod through her stomach.  “She just left. She didn’t even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?” [Spike]

7. 18 Earshot: Buffy is infected with a demon’s blood that gives her the ability to read thoughts. She discovers her mother and Giles’ kinky secret. “I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. Huh.” [Oz]

6. 02 Dead Man’s Party: I really loved this episode. Buffy finally returns home to Sunnydale after months in Los Angeles with no communication with her friends or mother. She receives a cold welcome, and everyone’s emotions come crashing down during a party. This episode is the first time we really see her friends stand up to her and tell her she’s wrong. “Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it’s chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.” [Oz]

5. 12 Helpless: By far one of the best episodes of the entire series. A slayer’s 18^th birthday is chock full of trials by the Watchers’ Council – they remove her strength and let her fight a blood thirsty vampire as human. If she survives, she passes the test and if she fails… Well, she definitely doesn’t pass the test. This episode was the first of a few times where Buffy loses her faith and trust in Giles: the one person she should always be able to count on. When Giles interferes with the test and stands up to the council, they fire him for failing his test – for getting emotionally attached to his slayer. “In matters of tradition and protocol, I must answer to the Council. My role in this… was very specific. I was to administer the injections and to direct you to the old boardinghouse on Prescott Lane.” [Giles]

4. 21 Graduation Day, Part 1: The Mayor gets ready for his Ascension during Graduation. Anya helps out with the Scooby gang, and Faith poisons Angel with something that only a slayers blood can cure. Buffy and Faith fight, leaving Faith stabbed and in a coma. “I’m talking about watching my lover die. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about and I don’t care.” [Buffy]

3. 19 Choices: Willow is kidnapped by Faith and The Mayor, and Buffy and Angel start to confront the choices they have ahead of them in their relationship and lives together. “So Faith was like, ‘I’m gonna beat you up,’ and I’m all, ‘I’m not afraid of you.’ And then she had the knife, which was less fun.” [Willow]

2. 20 The Prom: No synopsis. Just speech. “We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she….um…This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write in ballots and the prom committee asked me to read this. ‘We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you…’” [Jonathan] (ALSO: There will be another ranking coming soon with all the great BtVS speeches in order from less-best to most-best. Because really none of them were bad.)

1. 22 Graduation Day, Part 2: On the heels of that speech, where the students recognize how Buffy have saved them countless times, and how they’ve all assisted her and backed her up when she needed it, comes “Graduation Day, Part 2” where the student body is literally her backup, armed with crossbows, bombs, stakes and flaming arrows against the multitude of vampires working for The Mayor. …And then Buffy blows up the school. “Fire bad. Tree pretty.” [Buffy]

SEASON FOUR:

22. 02 Living Conditions: I hated the crazy roommate. I’m pretty sure she pissed me off more than she pissed off Buffy who actually had to spend the whole episode being told by her friends that she’s nuts and needs to chillax about it.

21. 18 Where the Wild Things Are: An entire episode of Buffy and her most boring boyfriend ever having raunchy sex and disturbing a spirit of a woman who used to torture children. Ugh.

20. 17 Superstar: I liked Jonathan enough, but an episode dedicated to an alternate reality where he’s the richest, most popular guy in Sunnydale was meh.

19. 05 Beer Bad: Buffy has been blown off by her one night stand, drinks beer that turns her into a cave-woman, and she helps burn down a bar. Best part about this episode was Willow’s balls. “Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly only to me. You’re unbelievable!” [Willow]

18. 01 The Freshman: Buffy is having a hard time figuring out the college thing, while Willow finally steps into her own and feels comfortable and confident, with possibly the most annoying vampire adversary on the show.

17. 14 Goodbye Iowa: Buffy discovers project 314 (how painful that I live in apartment 314 of my building), and Riley starts an unknowing detox after the fall of The Initiative. Apparently no one told him he was being given drugs to make him a good toy soldier.

16. 07 The Initiative: Riley punches Parker in the face. Spike is awesome.

15. 12 A New Man: Giles is turned into a demon by stupid Ethan Rayne and Spike is the only one to help him, while destroying the clutch on Giles’ car.

14. 13 The I in Team: After being sent on a mission intended to kill her, Buffy finally shows Dr. Walsh’s true colors to Riley and it’s awesome.

13. 03 The Harsh Light of Day: Spike has returned to Sunnydale and is searching for the Gem of Amara – a mystical gem that makes vampires invincible. Buffy, obviously, takes it from him and sends it off to Angel instead.

12. 11 Doomed: Buffy and Riley have just found out about the others’ slayerage and The Initiative. They come up on yet another apocalypse at the old High School, and Spike in a Hawaiian shirt teams up with the gang to help out.

11. 08 Pangs: Part one of the first crossover-episode between BUFFY and ANGEL that sets up the saddest episode of Angel possibly ever. That’s not actually true, there are two others that rival it, but “Pangs” deserves a very honorable mention for the ramifications it has on ANGEL.

10. 09 Something Blue: Willow does a spell that goes wrong blinding Giles, turning Xander into a literal demon magnet, and causing Buffy and Spike to get engaged. Such hilarity ensues that “Something Blue” is easily the funniest episode of the season.

9. 04 Fear Itself: 3-inch tall fear demon terrorizes the Scoobies on Halloween.

8. 19 New Moon Rising: Oz comes back to Sunnydale to break our hearts all over again, and Willow chooses to be with Tara instead of him. While we all grow to love Tara in the end…Oz.

7. 06 Wild at Heart: Veruca, a sexy ladywolf shows up and leads Oz astray. After we’ve all sobbed until we can sob no more, Oz leaves Sunnydale – and Willow – behind.

6. 15 The Year’s Girl (Part 1): Faith wakes from her coma and switches bodies with Buffy leaving you with a very confused and anxious pit in your stomach until the following episode.

5. 16 Who Are You? (Part 2): Buffy in Faiths’ body is kidnapped by the Watchers Council league of assassins, Faith in Buffy’s body sleeps with Riley and seduces Spike with some naughty words. That scene alone is enough to put this episode in the top 5 of the season. “Cause I can do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything… And you know why I don’t? [pause] Because it’s wrong.” [Faith-as-Buffy]

4. 20 The Yoko Factor (Finale Part 1): Angel visits Sunnydale to apologize to Buffy, and instead gets in a big ol’ fight with Riley. The worst part about this episode was the part where Angel didn’t pummel him until dead. Oh, and Giles gets drunk which is always nice. “Seriously? That’s a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he’s good, he’s all Mr. Billowy Coat King of Pain…” [Riley]

3. 10 Hush: One of the most inventive and challenging episodes BUFFY ever pulled off. Twenty-six minutes of TV, with not a single word of dialogue. No funny quips or jokes, just terrifying floating men (who evolved into The Whispermen, according to some Doctor Who theorists). “Can’t even shout, can’t even cry. The Gentlemen are coming by. Looking in windows, knocking on doors. They need to take seven and they might take yours. Can’t call to mom, can’t say a word. You’re gonna die screaming but you won’t be heard.”

2. 21 Primeval (Finale Part 2): While the Adam-Project 314-storyline needed major assistance in the creativity and Big-Bad-of-the-season departments, the way Buffy beat him was off the charts of awesome. Casting a spell to invoke the power of the first slayer, the Scoobies combined Willow’s magic, Giles’ intellect and Xander’s heart into Buffy’s body in order to kick Adam’s big, ugly behind. An incredibly powerful way of reminding the audience that even though this season wasn’t about the trials of the Scoobies altogether, they still serve as four parts to one whole. “Spike’s working for Adam?! After all we’ve done — Nah, I can’t even act surprised.” [Xander]

1. 22 Restless: The best dreamscape episode of television ever. The baddie of the season has been defeated, and the gang is all hanging out at B’s house watching a movie and relaxing. Fallen asleep, we explore each of their subconscious minds as they’re afflicted by the past, the present, the future, the first slayer, and the man with the cheese. “I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.” [Cheese Guy]

SEASON FIVE:

22. 01 Buffy vs Dracula: Buffy meets the famous Dracula, who turns Xander into his slave. Fine enough in theory, but a snoozer. You don’t miss anything important if you skip this episode.

21. 08 Shadow: Glory (the most hilarious Baddie ever) unleashes a huge snake-thing to find the “key” to her home dimension that has been placed under Buffy’s care. Fairly straight forward and not that interesting.

20. 09 Listening to Fear: An alien-but-not-alien demon attacks a brain tumor stricken Joyce in the Summers’ home. A quite unappealing episode, but Spike coming in to save the day and Buffy finally breaking down in the kitchen over her mom’s illness are really touching scenes.

19. 02 Real Me: Apparently, Buffy has a sister. No one knew, and here she is. This episode is spent getting to know the little brat since she was just thrown into the show five seasons in, yet was supposed to have been there all along. Until the audience finds out what her dealio is, however, we have to listen to her whine.

18. 04 Out of My Mind: Riley episode. Again. The Initiative screwed him over. Again. Blah, blah, blah. Bor-ring.

17. 17 Forever: After the most harrowing episode Buffy ever produced, we get “Forever.” It should have been great to have Angel back and see how the Scoobies deal with the recent tragedy, but this episode was a rather shocking disappointment after the stunning grace that came before it.

16. 11 Triangle: Anya and Willow refuse to get along because they both want to love and protect Xander from the other. They summon a troll accidentally – Anya’s ex, Olaf – and then have to work together to get rid of him. Hilarious, endearing, and sort of makes you love Anya even more.

15. 05 No Place Like Home: We finally found out what Dawn is and meet Glory for the first time. Overall, a decent episode to get the ball rolling in preparation for the remainder of what we thought was BtVS’s final season.

14. 15 I Was Made to Love You: An introduction to another pivotal character that not a single fan can defend. A great episode were Buffy meets Warren, a misogynistic nerd who built himself a robot girlfriend when he couldn’t find a real one. After a sad goodbye to the robot whose batteries died (who didn’t like April? Poor thing.) the episode ends with Spike demanding Warren building him a BuffyBot. Also: Tara and Anya bond. “She’s a sex bot. I mean, what guy doesn’t dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything. (He gets strange looks from the group.) Too many girls. I miss Oz. He’d get it. He wouldn’t say anything, but he’d get it.” [Xander]

13. 03 The Replacement: Xander is hit by some demony-thinga-mabob and is split in two – his strengths and his weaknesses. A great episode until you find out Nicholas Brendan’s real life twin Kelly Donovan played his Buffy-life twin, and then it’s even better.

12. 10 Into the Woods: Riley leaves. Poor Buffy, but Riley leaves! Ding dong, the wicked Soldier is gone.

11. 13 Blood Ties: Dawn finally founds out she’s The Key and runs away to the hospital. While Dawn herself is frustrating and annoying as usual, Buffy shares a great moment with her at the end of the episode.

10. 14 Crush: Spike confesses to Buffy – after he kidnaps her and chains her up under his crypt – that he’s in love with her. Mixed signals? A little bit. But Buffy’s signal is quite clear when she has Willow revoke Spike’s invitation into her home, leaving him locked outside as she shuts the door in his face. “What part of me punching you in the face did you not understand?” [Buffy]

9. 19 Tough Love: Tara and Willow have their first big fight, and Glory in realizing that Tara is the newest member of the gang, attacks her thinking that she’s The Key. Glory sucks out Tara’s brain leaving her a vegetable, and the episode ends with Tara unknowingly revealing to Glory that Dawn is The Key she’s been searching for.

8. 20 Spiral: Buffy and the Scoobies flee Sunnydale in an effort to hide from Glory, but an ancient order of Knights comes after them to kill Dawn and prevent Glory’s apocalypse.

7. 06 Family: Tara’s family swings into town to take her back home before she turns into a demon like the rest of the women in her family… Of course, they’re women-hating bastards like Warren, and the demon-thing is just a story told to keep the women from straying too far. Buffy and the crew put themselves between Tara and her nasty family and threaten them, finally making Tara feel like she really is one of the gang. “There’s no demon in there. It’s just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You’re a piece of work. I like you.” [Spike]

6. 07 Fool for Love: Easily one of the best episode of the season. After getting her butt handed to her and sustaining a wound to the abdomen, Buffy employs Spike to tell her the stories of how he murdered two slayers. After profoundly pissing him off, Spike arrives at Buffy’s house with a shotgun to finish her off. Meanwhile, Joyce’s sickness worsens and the episode ends with Spike comforting a crying Buffy instead.

5. 21 Weight of the World: Many people disliked “Weight of the World” citing that it was a filler episode because the writers must have forgotten they were supposed to do 22 episode total. I, however, do not agree. After Glory has kidnapped Dawn, Buffy goes into a catatonic state and Willow has to enter her subconscious and force her to come back to take care of business. We finally get to see just a tad of what goes on inside her head, while the world keeps on turning and time is still being wasted outside.

4. 18 Intervention: We finally meet the BuffyBot Spike…commissioned. After Glory’s minions attack and the Bot protects Spike, Glory has him kidnapped thinking he must be the key since the “slayer” protected him above all the others. The real Buffy has gone on a spirit journey in the desert however, and the First Slayer reveals to her that “Death is [her] gift.” The episode ends with Buffy playing as the BuffyBot to determine if Spike gave up The Key’s true identity during his torture – which he did not. “Because Buffy — the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy… anything happened to Dawn, it’d destroy her, and I couldn’t live with her being in that much pain. I’d let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.” [Spike]

3. 12 Checkpoint: I’m such a sucker for Watchers’ Council episodes. The whole two of ‘em, anyway. The council shows up to interview Buffy and her friends and determine if they are worthy of receiving the information the council has gathered on what Glory is, where she came from, and what The Key is. The climax of the episode has Buffy telling the council to shove it because she’s all they’ve got, and the information is hers whether they like it or not. The council reveals that Glory isn’t a demon; she’s a God. “No review. No interrogation. No questions you know I can’t answer. No hoops. No jumps. (Nigel is about to speak.) No interruptions. See, I’ve had a lot of people talking at me in the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I’ve finally figured out why: power.” [Buffy]

2. 22 The Gift: Deciding between “The Gift” and “The Body” was the most agonizing decision I’ve made thus far, because they’re both such beautifully crafted, heart-straining episode. Alas, the 100^th episode and [first] series finale had to come in second. The final battle between Glory and Buffy is upon them, and the only way to save the world is for Buffy to sacrifice herself. The ending shot of Buffy’s tombstone is enough to make anyone cry. “She saved the world. A lot.”

1. 16 The Body: There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe how this episode tore into our souls. Buffy has come to find her newly recovered mother dead on the sofa. An episode full of long, panning shots, minimal editing and not a single scrap of music, “The Body”was an agonizing 42-minutes of quiet sobs for every fan. “But I don’t understand! I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she’s– there’s just a body…and no one will explain to me why.” [Anya]

SEASON SIX:

21. 11 Gone: Buffy is turned invisible and spends the episode being mischievous. That’s totally fine and cool… Except for the part where the episode was boring.

20. 04 Flooded: And this bad boy was not much better. We meet “The Trio” – a gang of nerds we’ve met previously: Jonathan, Warren and Andrew – who decide to become evil and take over Sunnydale, and that’s about all that happens in this waste of time.

19. 14 Older and Far Away: Buffy’s birthday where she and all her friends are trapped in a house by an old vengeance demon pal of Anya’s. Best part about this episode was Tara’s under-the-table quips at Spike about him and Buffy and their secret love affair.

18. 15 As You Were: Riley returns with his annoying as hell wife. The last scene of Buffy breaking Spike’s heart telling him they can’t sleep together anymore and apologizing was so effing sad.

17. 12 Doublemeat Palace: Buffy gets a job at a fast food restaurant in order to help pay bills that are piling up at home; a phallic demon that comes out of an old lady’s head and some creepy employees were not enough to rank this episode any higher. Frankly, I think being #17 is still too generous.

16. 16 Hell’s Bells: Anya and Xander’s wedding, where a demon set on destroying Anya’s life shows Xander a fake future where he and Anya are miserable. Xander subsequently leaves Anya at the altar and the episode ends with her reverting back into a vengeance demon.

15. 06 All the Way: The season’s Halloween episode where Xander and Anya reveal their engagement and Dawn sneaks off with a boy she didn’t know was a vampire. Instead of dealing with it herself, Buffy pushes it off on Giles to discipline her afterward.

14. 10 Wrecked: After Tara leaves her for her budding addiction to magic, a high Willow goes so far as to get her and Dawn into a car accident while they ran away from a demon that was of her own creation. Willow decides to quite magic cold turkey after seeing what she’s done to her friends.

13. 01/02 Bargaining: The two-part episode that brings Buffy back from the dead, was fairly lackluster in comparison to what it could have been. Most touching scene in this hour and a half long mess, was Spike seeing Buffy for the first time and realizing she had to crawl her way out of the grave.

12. 20 Villains: Willow is out of control with grief and rage. She hunts down Warren, the nerd responsible for Tara’s shocking death, and skins him alive.

11. 05 Life Serial: Buffy, struggling to adjust to normal life, is plagued by The Trio in her every venture, destroying her plans one at a time. Redeeming scene: Spike gets Buffy drunk.

10. 21 Two to Go (Finale, Part 1): Dark Willow and Buffy go toe-to-toe while Buffy tries to protect the remaining Duo from the former good-witch. Giles comes back to stop Willow using a gift from a powerful coven of witches, “the true essence of magic.”

9. 22 Grave (Finale, Part 2): Giles and Willow have a magical battle, but Willow drains his power and sets off to raise an ancient Goddess to destroy the world because there’s too much pain and suffering. In a nice turn of events, Xander is the one to save the day by bringing Willow back from the edge. Also: Spike gets his soul back.

8. 09 Smashed: Spike founds out that the chip The Initiative planted in his head to stop his from harming humans doesn’t work on Buffy 3.0, and in the final battle scene they have such raunchy sex that it literally brings the house down. Willow turns the rat-witch from S02 back into a human so she has a friend to do magic with.

7. 03 After Life: Episode was boring, but the finale scene was enough to rank it so high. Buffy reveals to Spike that she was not in a hell dimension like her friends thought, but that she was at peace in what she thought was heaven. She begs him to never let them find out what they did, and you beg Joss Whedon to stop breaking your heart into a zillion little pieces.

6. 08 Tabula Rasa: The funniest episode. Willow uses a spell to erase Tara’s memory of their fights about her magic use, and the spell backfires erasing the entire gang’s memory. Everyone wakes up not knowing who – or what – they are (ie, Spike thinking Giles is his dad. LOL WAT?). The episode ends with Giles revealing that he’s returning to England, and Tara dumps Willow for beinga manipulative butthead. “Randy Giles? Why not just call me Horny Giles? Or Desperate-For-A-Shag Giles? I knew there was a reason I hated you.” [Spike]

5. 13 Dead Things: The Trio accidentally murders Warren’s ex-girlfriend, then conjures time-altering demons to trick Buffy into thinking she caused the girl’s death. When Buffy goes to the police station to turn herself in, she pummels Spike half to death (oh, the irony) because he doesn’t understand why she’s so upset over killing someone. While we all hate to see the Buffster cry, it’s always a nice reminder that she struggles with keeping separate her demonic duties from the real world laws.

4. 18 Entropy: Woof. This episode. The Scoobies discover that The Trio has been watching them through hidden cameras in their homes and at their work. Both dumped and heartbroken, Anya and Spike get it on at her magic shop, while The Scoobies crack the surveillance system at home and end up catching the entire glorious show. Spike tells everyone that he and Buffy used to be naked-friends, and everything goes to hell. Happy ending, though: Willow and Tara get back together! “I’m not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you, and I feel sick ‘cause you had sex with that.” [Xander]

3. 17 Normal Again: A lot of fans really disliked this episode, but for me it was one of the best in the entire series. Buffy is infected by a demon and started to hallucinate about her life: in reality she’s a slayer who fights demons and monsters, but in her hallucinations she’s a sick girl in a mental institution. The further we get into the episode, the more Buffy believes she really is a sick girl in an asylum, and she tries to murder her friends in order to cut ties with her “delusion” and re-enter the “real world.” While we know that isn’t the case, for just a brief moment you actually want sick Buffy to be ok and you find yourself wondering, “What if that’s actually what’s happening?” It’s a shockingly real episode for a show that’s rooted in imagination.

2. 19 Seeing Red: This episode would absolutely be ranked #1 had the musical episode not happened. “Seeing Red” ripped you to shreds a thousand times over. Willow and Tara have finally gotten back together, Buffy goes after The Trio and takes them [mostly] down, and Spike tries to rape an injured Buffy in her own home.  Buffy gets shot. Tara gets shot and dies. This episode was a cruel, vicious reminder of mortality in watching one of our favorite characters die, setting off Dark Willow as she cries to Osiris to bring her lover back. It was also a wake-up call to the audience: we might love Spike for all he’s worth… But he’s still evil, he’s still soulless, and he’s still got a long road ahead of him until his compass points anywhere near true-north.

1. 07 Once More, With Feeling: Does anything really need to be said about this episode? It gave us everything we wanted for the entire season. It gave us Tara finding out about Willow’s memory-altering spell, Giles admitting that it’s time for him to leave Sunnydale behind, Spike and Buffy gettin’ with the smooches, and Buffy confessing to her friends that they pulled her out of heaven. Not to mention there were songs and dancing, which makes everything a billion times better. “That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn’t see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps.” [Giles]

SEASON SEVEN:

22. 06 Him: What was this episode and why did it happen? Seems like the writing staff were trying so hard to make a call-back episode to Buffy’s years in high school and something that would have happened to her, but this episode was all wrong and very out of place. The final season of the show, the stakes are higher than ever before, and we get a boy whose Varsity jacket is cursed with a love spell. Maybe in S01 or S02 that would have been fun, but not S07.

21. 14 First Date: Because we needed yet another filler episode in this season? “First Date” was utterly pointless other than to show the animosity between Robin Wood and Spike and to give the audience the knowledge of who Principal Wood really is… And who Spike is to him.

20. 01 Lessons: This episode was fairly forgetful. As a season premiere it was lackluster and introducing us to the new high school didn’t leave quite the impact that I think the writers intended.

19. 09 Never Leave Me: Buffy holds Spike and a newly returned Andrew hostage while trying to figure out what’s toying with Spike’s chip and brain. Not great, but not horrible. Did get some juicy Spuffy, though! “Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet. I’m not really worried about being polite anymore.” [Spike]

18. 03 Same Time, Same Place: Bringing Willow back after her murder spree was going to be a challenge either way. We all want to understand and forgive her, but how do we accept her back into our lives right off the bat? By shifting her into an alternate dimension for a day, apparently. It also served a little indication that Willow is much more powerful that we knew, even after her little trip to the Dark Side.

17. 08 Sleeper: Spike is a sleeper agent of the Big Bad, who has figured out a way to turn the chip off and set him loose on Sunny-D to eat, maim and kill lots of fine folks. Also, Giles is potentially dead?

16. 10 Bring on the Night: We meet an original, fully demonic vampire – not like the half-human ones we’ve grown accustomed to over the last seven years. (Apparently that’s a thing. Way to tell us in the last season of the show, guys.) Giles shows up with a few “potential slayers”; girls that were chosen to be possibly Chosen in the wake of the slayers’ demise. (PS, how does that work since Buffy has already died? Was she no longer considered “the” slayer after Death #1? Is Faith “the” slayer and since she’s alive no one has needed to be called? If not, there should have been a third slayer after B’s death in S05.)

15. 02 Beneath You: Ranked so high because of the final scene where Spike goes bonkers and tells Buffy he’s got his soul back. Touching, and horribly sad when Buffy decodes his crazy-talk and figures out what happened.

14. 21 End of Days: For the first time in five seasons, Buffy and Faith find common ground, realizing that they together will have to share the burden of being The Slayer, and that no one else could ever understand that loneliness. It was a moment that I feel the fans were owed after everything these two went through, regardless of my personal feelings towards Faith. Also, Angel comes back to bring Buffy a little present. Worst part of the episode: Apparently there’s been a coven of ancient women watching the Watchers since the dawn of the Slayer. Why did it taken seven seasons for this revelation? “I’m looking at you, everything you have, and, I don’t know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody’s looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.” [Faith]

13. 11 Showtime: While the meat of the episode was so-so, I was a big fan of Anya and Giles’ trip to the Beljoxa’s Eye: an oracle demon who tells them that The First Evil is back because there was a falter in the slayer’s line. Giles figures out that it wasn’t because Buffy died that the First Evil was able to gain control, but because she lives – again. Yet another slap in the face to the Scoobies that were only trying to save their friend.

12. 15 Get It Done: After all these years watching Buffy save the world with all her strength and knowing that she was the chosen one, we finally get to know how it came to be. “Get It Done” took us to another dimension, suspended in time, that revealed when and how the First Slayer was made. The Three Shadow Men tell Buffy that she is the last protector of the Hellmouth, and try to infuse her with more of the same demonic energy that they initially cursed the First Slayer with. Buffy wasn’t down with it, chose to kick their shadowy asses instead, and the Shadow Men give her a vision of the Hellmouth in return. This episode also marks the first time in a long time where Buffy is starting to be doubted by her friends. “The First Slayer was right. It isn’t enough.” [Buffy]

11. 16 Storyteller: This episode was surprisingly not my favorite. I say surprisingly, because I love Tom Lenk and moreover, Andrew Wells. It was some much needed light in an otherwise gloomy and dark winding up of the finale season; this episode brought in some great humor and jovialness that was much needed. That being said, I wanted to like the episode a lot more than I actually did, as it followed Andrew around as he tried to document the Sunnydale Situation and twists events into better “storytelling” for the camera. The episode ends with Andrew begging Buffy’s forgiveness for murdering Jonathan, his best friend. “She’s like a woman fighting for more than life. She fights like fighting is her life. It is the air she breathes, and she knows she will win because there is no alternative.” [Andrew]

10. 20 Touched: The Scoobies sans Buffy kidnap a minion of the First and cast a spell in which he speaks through Andrew, taunting their inevitable failure and deaths. Spike and Andrew return from a mission, and upon seeing that Buffy has been exiled from her own house, he spits on the Scoobies, starts a fight with Faith and leaves to find Buffy. They have a super sweet, super sappy moment when he gives her a big speech about how he loves her and she’s always been a strength to admire. “I’ve seen your kindness, and your strength, I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman.” [Spike]

9. 18 Dirty Girls: Not much need to be said about “Dirty Girls.” There’s Nathan Fillion as a hell-preacher named Caleb who can kick the snot outa Buffy, Faith comes back and bonds with Spike, and Xander loses an eye. One of the most horribly great episodes we’ve had in the shows entire run. “You’re protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?” [Faith]

8. 17 Lies My Parents Told Me: Spike and Robin Wood come head to head in this intense, beautiful 42-minute pieces of art. Spike’s trigger from the First is finally exposed as a torment from his past and he and Wood have it out in a shed lined with crosses and brass knuckles. Spike leaves Wood alive after a brutal fight, declaring, “You see, unlike you, I had a mother who loved me back…I was her world.”

7. 12 Potential: Xander’s speech and seeing how Dawn is finally a character in the show, and not just Buffy’s annoying kid sister. “Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful…I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.” [Xander]

6. 05 Selfless: This episode was very disturbing on a multitude of levels. Anya, a vengeance demon, finds out that she’s being talked about by her demon friends for going soft and not creating the havoc and horror she once did. Her response is to kill an entire fraternity. Buffy upon finding out what’s happened admits that this leaves her no choice and that she has to do her job – she has to kill Anya. The episode ends with Anya’s boss reversing the damage to the frat at the cost of Anya’s BFF’s life. “Behold D’Hoffryn, Lord of Arashmaha, he that turns the air to blood and reigns te – Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?” [D’Hoffryn]

5. 04 Help: How quickly us fans get attached to characters. After only one episode, we still mourn the loss of high school clairvoyant Cassie who foresaw her own death. Another grounding episode and one of the few deaths Buffy couldn’t stop. Relatable teen Cassie saw her death, but not how it happened: from a heart defect. “There’s a lot of stuff I’d like to do. I’d love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I’d love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out, ’cause they’re really mean, and I think they’re gonna be fat.” [Cassie]

4. 13 The Killer in Me: This episode broke my heart, and will continue to break my heart every time I watch it. While the audience grits and bares the atrocity that is Kennedy, “The Killer in Me” gave us yet one last time to grieve Tara’s loss with Willow. An old frenemy casts a spell that causes Willow to physically turn into Warren after her first kiss with Kennedy. While trying to find a way to reverse the spell, she starts to actually become Warren. Willow barges into the backyard where Warren shot Tara, and she falls to her knees confessing that she let go of Tara by kissing Kennedy. She begs for forgiveness from her dead lover. Meanwhile, Buffy and Spike go on a mission to get the chip in his brain fixed when they realize it’s killing him. Buffy is given a choice: repair it, or remove it. She chooses the latter. “He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We’re to provide you anything you need to help with…assface here. Those were his exact words, ma’am.” [Initiative General]

3. 19 Empty Places: All her years of saving the world, her deaths, her sacrifices, her isolation and her self-involved speeches. It all comes down to this: “You really do think you’re better than we are. But we don’t know…You didn’t work for it. You’ve never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn’t make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.” [Anya]

2. 07 Conversations with Deal People: This episode. Was everything. The Scoobies are split up doing their own things, and in a single night all their worlds change. Buffy meets a boy she went to high school with who became a psychologist and then was turned into a vampire. Dawn is attacked in her home by a demon wearing her mother’s face. Willow is visited by Cassie… Or something that looks like Cassie, bringing a fake message from Tara encouraging her to kill herself. A brilliant episode that prepares us for the upcoming battle from early on in the season.

1. 22 Chosen: Was this the most epic episode ever? I didn’t think so. Comparing the two series finales (S05 + S07), I’d absolutely say that S05’s “The Gift” takes the cake… However, Joss Whedon was given the chance to do something extraordinary – to give his show two series finales, and he did them both perfectly. In the first, Whedon did what we expected and needed: he had Buffy sacrifice her life. She was The Chosen One, she alone would fight against the forces of darkness and she did. But in “Chosen,” he gave her what she needed from the beginning – to not be alone. He changed mythology and legacy to break the line of The Chosen One and make it the line of The Chosen All. Every potential slayer would be a slayer from there on out, and It. Was. Beautiful. Willow conquered her fear, Spike earned his redemption, Faith was given a place in the world, and Xander proved one last time, that he was the heart and soul of the Scoobies. “In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule.” [Buffy]

My heart seems to still be in tact momentarily, so here is Part 3: Ranking of the Top 7 Episodes!

*Fun Fact: Only one death of a big character happened from supernatural causes. Joyce died of a brain tumor, Tara of a gunshot wound, Cassie from a heart defect. Jenny Calendar was the only one who died from getting her neck snapped [by Angelus].

It’s getting to be that time of year when I re-watch my baby beginning to end. I’ve also been dying to do a BtVS ranking FOR. EVER. so here it is. Buzzfeed has already completed a full ranking of all the episodes but I refuse to do the same because it may give me a hernia, so instead I’m ranking BUFFY in three separate posts: by Season, then by Episodes-per-Season, then Top-Episodes. Please leave your hate mail at the door, ’cause this is gonna be sooper ruff.

Season 8 Comic Art

7. FOUR. Oh my god, four. The worst season of any television show ever. Creator Joss Whedon was trying to help BtVS find its legs after the loss of Angel and Cordelia and with the gang moving onto college and growing up. In experimenting with some new things he also did some very bad things that we should forget forever. A few heart breaking episodes and a few terrific stand alone episodes, but mostly horrendous ones, BtVS S04 was traumatizing for all us faithful, loyal fanatics.

6. ONE. The premier season of BtVS was a mere 12 episodes of campy lines and atrocious effects, but it was also the introduction season to a show that would become one of the biggest cult phenomena’s TV has ever seen.

5. SIX. A lot of folks will argue this was one of the best seasons, but I’m fairly torn about it. It had some great moments, and I won’t even try to deny that seeing James Marsters shirtless every other episode wasn’t dazzling, but as far as storytelling goes, the magic-addiction and end of season deaths were too much in all the wrong ways.

4. THREE. Not a Faith fan. She was not the worst character we saw on the show (hello, Dawn!) but she got real old real fast. Her attitude, her actress, her everything. But, The Mayor.

3. SEVEN. I know, I know, I know. Most everyone hated S07, but I quite enjoyed it. After all the hard work, dedication, loyalty and love she’s protected the world with for the past seven years, we finally saw her fall from favor and for just a moment – just a brief, fleeting moment – give up. The girl who was nothing but strong over the years; sacrificing the love of her life for the greater good; the girl who died twice; the girl who saved everyone how many times… If Whedon hadn’t humanized her enough through all her trials since Sunnydale High, watching our girl finally give up and say, “No more” for a single episode really hurt.

2. TWO. It pains me to choose between S02 and S05, but alas, such is the job. Season Two was brilliant. The pain and inevitable suffering we the fans endured along with our heroine as Angel ruined all our lives was not without its saving grace: Season Two solidified that we would be with Buffy until the end, standing by her side and fighting with her. Season Two brought us our favorite psychotic duo Spike and Drusilla, and made us grieve the loss of fan favorite Jenny Calendar. Season Two broke our hearts over and over again.

1. FIVE. Anyone who doesn’t believe S05 to be the strongest, most interesting and heartbreaking season of show did not watch the same BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER that I did. There are so many things to say about season 5, that I couldn’t possibly list them all without my head exploding so let’s go with: Spike, Glory, JOYCE, Buffy Bot, The Watchers Council, The Doc, TARA, and Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Season Five was perfect.

Rankings were designed to test our allegiance, devotion, endurance, strength and ability to weed out the weak. In other words: they suck and I hate them. Stay tuned for the next installment of “Ways to Make Your Soul Hurt.”

Fan-made and AWESOME.

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME. It seems a little off-beat and strange to think that Joss could direct something as dark and damaging as THOND (don’t make me type it out again, please.) But looking at his previous bodies of work, it actually seems quite fitting. He not only could produce a visually stunning piece of art, but he could really root us inside the story of a disfigured boy who’s trapped and condemned by a vicious judge in the mid-19^th century. What’s more, if told through Frollo’s point of view, I fully believe that Joss has the ability, skill, and drive to provide us with a character so complex and detailed that we would have no choice but to empathize with the man instead of the monster.

I just realized that SKY HIGH and STAR TREK were both filmed at Cal State Northridge’s Oviatt Library. So weird to see your school on the big screen.

SKY HIGH. A little known movie (that was supposed to have 3 sequels that were cancelled due to its unfortunate flop) that carts us around a world where superheroes exist, and teen “supers” go to a high school for superheroes. IN THE SKY. Awesome, awesome concept and with a little touch of Buffy-meets-THE AVENGERS magic, Joss Whedon could have made it an awesome, awesome film.

The ultimate weapon against vampires.

PINOCCHIO. The horror version. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS was Joss’s first feature length horror movie (though Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s S04E10 “Hush” still takes the cake for me) that combined all the elements of story-telling that has made him so popular: fantastical demons, technology you hope never comes to light, and such witty characters you wish he wrote your daily life. Now, imagine Joss Whedon’s horror version of PINOCCHIO. A wooden boy who terrorizes his “father” Geppetto and a small town (or big city?), until he’s finally murdered horribly at the end of the film. (Or not, you never really know with Joss.)

INSPECTOR GADGET. Joss has shown us his love of technological enhancements throughout pretty much all of his works (a few excluded), so it seems only natural that he should want to remake INSPECTOR GADGET. I’d kill for Film Noir Inspector Gadget (and knowing him, genderbent too).

THE SKELETON DANCE was an animated short from the 1920’s where skeletons danced and sang around a graveyard. Imagine THE SKELETON DANCE made in the same vein as DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG. Comedic, sweet, clever, and Nathan Fillion.

Jen and Sylvia Soska recreating The Shining’s iconic twinzies.

THE PARENT TRAP. Our top three beloved Scoobie’s all met their doppelganger at some point during Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s seven season run. Willow met her evil, alternate-universe vampire-Willow (S03E09 “The Wish” & S03E16 “Doppelgangland”), Xander met his twin when he was split in two in S05E03 “The Replacement, and even Buffy herself had a twin in the form of BuffyBot (though, a sexbot isn’t quite what I had in mind for THE PARENT TRAP.) Imagine Joss Whedon’s adorable long-lost-twins coming together in order to trap (and kill) their parents as a sacrifice to some ancient God, or whatever other reason you might want to come up with that doesn’t piggyback off CABIN IN THE WOODS. Point is: He would make those of us who don’t have an evil twin very thankful for it, and those of us do, really pissed.

TARZAN. So this one’s a tad odd to be sure. But imagine: live action Tarzan, raised savagely by apes. In the spirit of the original 1918 story, he attacks a village that has settled in the area in revenge (they killed his mama ape) becomes known as “an evil spirit,” and is then hunted by the remaining settlers. How and if Joss chooses to bring in Jane Porter is a question for debate: is this a love story, or a story about our misunderstood hero? At the end of the original tale, Tarzan doesn’t get a happy ending – Jane ends up with another man – and we all know how Joss loves to kill our dreams (read: Firefly) so that part we’ll just leave open ended and always wonder how he might have managed to wrap up Tarzan’s heartbreaking story.

Concept art by Tae Young in Choi, Korea.

ATLANTIS. I’m not really sure this even requires an explanation. Anyone who wouldn’t want to see Joss Whedon’s take on ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE should die by machete (he provided the story for the animated feature). A mysterious culture that’s been lost undersea for ten thousand years, whose survival is powered by a magical force and protected by a warrior princess? Still not sure why this hasn’t already been made.

Joss will be busy filming and finishing AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON for the next year or so, but you can find me sitting in a dark corner of my apartment brooding and blubbering and waiting for the day that he brings my hopes and dreams to life (hopefully not to kill them off or mutilate them horribly) by remaking a Disney film. And really, at this point, any one of them will do. Ancient Gods, please don’t let my Whedon/Disney ship sink, but oh god please do find a new ship name, because Wheney and Jisney are not good.

I’ve never read the Twilight books. I’ve honestly never even seen one of the books in person. I had to see the movies (my sister dragged me, and there is no escaping that woman’s grip), but even for someone who loves tween drama (ABC Family is the shit, dudes), vampires and all that jazz, TWILIGHT was a nightmare. A boring, anti-self-respect lead female, one lead male that was super controlling and could do a lecture series on How to be a Stalker and a second lead male that had such serious anger management problems and only-child syndrome that when he didn’t get his way he, quite literally, turned into a monster. TWILIGHT is not the only fandom that has nutcase fangirls swarming about (search: Tom Hiddleston/Loki on Tumblr. Go on. I dare you.) but it is definitely the easiest to draw attention to. This insane, demeaning story captured girls’ attention all over the world, and I cannot understand why. Why would anyone – male or female – want to emulate that relationship?

Twilight – 0
Buffy – 1

I’m getting older, the fangirls are getting younger, and the media available (and targeted) to them is getting crappier and crappier.  But unfortunately, none of that answers the question of when we became crazy people. I get (I’m not sure why, and I definitely don’t know how) that TWILIGHT is important to a lot of people, specifically women. I absolutely understand the need to live vicariously through a character and to want so desperately to be part of the world they live in – that’s what a fandom is – but what I do not, cannot and will not accept is the fangirls that can’t control themselves. Please, enjoy Urban Dictionary’s definition:

Fangirl: A rabid breed of human female who is obsessed with either a fictional character or an actor. Similar to the breed of fanboy. Fangirls congregate at anime conventions and livejournal. Have been known to glomp, grope, and tackle when encountering said obsessions.

What’s so utterly pathetic about this, is that that’s actually what they do. There is no sense of dignity or respect for the person they’re fawning over, and many of them cannot distinguish between the actor and the character they play (see: Twihards, and even some SHERLOCK fans who HATE Amanda Abbington because her character Mary Morstan came between Johnlock). It seems that “our” uncontrollable need for Edward Cullen to be a reality brought us out of our dark rooms to go hunting for him (poor R-Pat) at every available moment, and that in turn drew every other fangirl out along with them.

Twilight – 0
Buffy – 2

So now the question becomes: are the crazy fangirls a reaction to the media that we’re giving them? Or was gasoline thrown on the tiny fire when the fangirls started being treated as crazy?

Of course, the obvious answer for all of this is: “daddy issues.” Is it the right answer for everyone? More than likely no. There will be some fangirls that fall into that category as well, but the biggest thing that I’ve been noticing on Tumblr and other social media sites that I peruse for fandom enjoyment, is that many of these young girls have very low self-esteem and self-worth. For whatever reasons – and I’m not going to even try to guess what they have going on in their personal lives – many of these crazy fangirls that can’t control their urge to attack don’t think very highly of themselves. It’s easy to assume that that’s why they’ve grown so attached to fictional characters; they see something in those characters they can identify with; it’s a way to escape their own hell; it’s a way of expressing themselves; I get it, but it’s still very sad to see. …Not to mention that it gives those of us that aren’t looneytunes really bad reps in the fandom communities.

There’s no one solution that will solve the problem of the maniacal fangirl and unfortunately most of them are too far gone to even see that they have a problem. Now, I’m not saying that all fangirls are crazy, or that all media directed towards them is bad – far from it – I’m just concerned that in desperate attempts to mimic a character or obsess over something fictional that they’re starting to lose more than just their minds; hello, nearly-naked cosplay outfits. Fangirls, try using actual clothing and not just lingerie, yeah?

Final Count:

Twilight – 0

Buffy – ALL THE POINTS

If you have not seen CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER or the latest episode of Marvel’s AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D., you’re not a very good nerd, nor should you read the rest of this post LEST YE BE SPOILED.

Week after week, Tuesday after Tuesday, I prepare myself to watch the next episode of what should be the greatest show on television: it lives in a world that has Gods, philanthropic-playboy-geniuses, a modern-day Robin Hood, and a goddamn Hulk. Yet, every week I have to give myself pep-talks and convince myself that maybe this time it’ll be better, maybe this is the episode that will make me go, “JOSS WHEDON IS BACK, BITCHES!” But here we are, seventeen episodes into its premiere season and I still cannot say that I am 100% committed to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. for the duration of its television run no matter how long – or how short – that may be.

Let’s take a quick look at my lovers’ (most people call him Joss) television resumé.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1997-2003): Had it all. A kickass ladyhero, hot-as-hell vampires, a couple of lezzie Wicca’s, a few neat accents, sex, drama, blood, pain and lots and lots of laughs. While the wardrobe may be outdated now (sweet mother of God is it bad), everyone no matter if they’re a new found fan, or a lifer, can appreciate the language of Buffyisms that was created, the family that we all shared, and the everlasting hatred of the monster sibling that was Dawn. Joss Whedon was tired of watching horror movies where the blond girl always got the ax first, so he gave us a heroine that even over a decade later, everyone still wants to be when they grow up.

ANGEL (1999-2004): BtVS’s spinoff is all-too-often compared to its predecessor and the comments that follow are generally in the vain of, “…but not as good.” or “…it just wasn’t BUFFY.” And while, yes, those may be true because of HOW MUCH WE LOVE BUFFY, they don’t actually have any real merit. ANGEL was a great show in its own right, and no it wasn’t BUFFY… Because it wasn’t BUFFY. It was ANGEL. While Joss didn’t take the lead on this one, he left in the hands of his more than capable partner David Greenwalt who had been working on BtVS with him for years. They, together, knew the characters they created and so taking them out of Sunnydale and putting them in The City of Angels wasn’t something to be scared of. ANGEL may have fallen off the bandwagon a few times (Connor and evil Cordy, anyone?) its characters never changed past the point of recognition. Which is more than we can say for some other less fortunate folks on the telly (VAMPIRE DIARIES, I’m looking at you).

FIREFLY (2002-2003): If you haven’t seen FIREFLY, do everyone a favor and go impale yourself.

DR. HORRIBLE’S SING ALONG BLOG (TV Mini-Series, 2008): Neil Patrick Harris. Felicia Day. Nathan Fillion. Joss Whedon. Singing. DR. HORRIBLE was a brilliant, adorable and endearing work of fluffy fun. It was just a little reminder for all of Joss’ fans that he was still around and still making wonderful little things for us to treasure.

DOLLHOUSE (2009-2010): DOLLHOUSE was an interesting shift for Joss. Anyone who’s familiar with his aforementioned works, knows that he started to get very interested in technology and how that impacted the worlds he was writing about (BtVS Season 4 was the worst), and DOLLHOUSE absolutely felt like it was an experiment to see how far he could take his idea of implanting custom personalities into sleepers-for-hire. And honestly, had Eliza Dushku been replaced, DOLLHOUSE probably could have succeeded for many more seasons to come. I don’t say that because I don’t like Eliza (which to be fair, she isn’t my fave), but I say that because in order for us to believe that these “dolls” really were getting their brains wiped of personality implants, the actors that were cast needed have the range to portray anything and everything that the writers could think of, and Eliza does not have that range: she has the acting abilities of my mother ironing board. The concept of DOLLHOUSE was new, intriguing, had a fabulous crew of supporting cast, and was pretty fucking awesome all around – it just needed an equally awesome lead, which it did not.

And finally we come to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013-): Looking at all the components individually, characters (which to be fair, could use some major fleshing out; Fitz and Simmons need backgrounds and lives outside of their work together at the Academy and in S.H.I.E.L.D. and Skye could definitely improve with one of the Dollhouse’s personality implants) are decent enough, the concept is absolutely great looking at how big the Marvel cinematic universe is growing each year (OMG AVENGERS 2 OMG THE DEFENDERS OMG) and everyone loves Coulson. But what about AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. just isn’t working?

Could it be that Joss Whedon has not directed a single episode since the pilot?

Or the fact that Joss has only written one episode this entire season.

Hey, maybe it’s that Joss Whedon is not the show-runner, but merely titled “co-creator” and “producer”?

Had AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. been solely in Joss’ more than capable hands, I have no doubt that it would by far be one of the best shows to tune into weekly, but being left in the hands of another (it’s been proven time and time again that Maurissa and Jed together are not half the talent that Joss is alone) AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D is suffering, and I don’t think that even the great Thor could stop it. The episodes are lackluster and #ItsAllConnected doesn’t mean a damn thing, but no one knows what’s going on anymore.

Ward is banging May, is in love with Skye, and now he’s HYDRA? Fitz and Simmons are adorable, easily flustered, and lacking any real substance, which immediately leads me to Skye. What, exactly, is the point of her? Something about her parents were important so she’s highly valuable or something… to who now? And why is that, again? Melinda May is a badass, sure, but her lack of any kind of expression has worn out its welcome. Is she in love with Coulson? She sure seems like she could be, yet she’s bumping uglies with Ward, assembled this team to put Coulson down if need be, and is apparently in contact with Fury behind everyone’s backs. Who knows what happened with Agent Hand last week since all I gathered from that entire episode is that she apparently got dead, and who knows if that was even real (Fury ain’t dead. No one can kill Sam Jackson. Be real. …And, you know, spoilers).

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be moving in some sort of direction somewhere, somehow, but the individual storylines and overall plot have such little structure that the miniscule bit of information that is given is so haphazard and undeveloped that it feels like Maurissa and Jed took a page from the bible of LOST and are just making things up as they go. Joss may have made things up as he went (some story arcs were more ridiculous than others…ADAM) but you never quite felt this dazed and confused. While I know Joss is busy being all Avenge-y, it’d sure be nice if he stuck his head into the S.H.I.E.L.D. writers’ room once in a while to bust their balls about the hot mess that is AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER changed my life.

On September 19^th, 2005, Barney Stinson promised Ted: “I’m going to teach you how to live.” But really, he could’ve been talking to all of us.

Over the span of nine seasons, HIMYM became more than a funny sitcom. Thanks to one of the most talented, game and legendary casts ever, HIMYM became, like FRIENDS and SEINFELD, part of the family. It became a Monday night institution, a weekly tutorial on how to pick up women, to find true love, to live in NY, and mostly, how not to do all of those things.

I knew the moment that the pilot ended, when Bob Saget (as Future Ted) dropped the bombshell that Robin wasn’t the mother, but that we had just met “Aunt” Robin, that HIMYM was gonna be a thing.

True story.

Of course, I was an easy target. I was ready to love Neil Patrick Harris from the word go. I had seen DOOGIE HOWSER un-ironically, loved STARSHIP TROOPERS and wanted to be cool, so I also “dug” HAROLD & KUMAR. The only parts I’ve ever dug about those movies are the NPH moments.

As for Alyson Hannigan, I actually hadn’t watched BUFFY when HIMYM first began, but AMERICAN PIE was one of the most formative comedies of my young adult life (which likely says a lot). I also think my Future Self knew how big a deal Willow and the Whedonverse would be to me, that I always held a special kinship for Hannigan, before I truly did.

Cobie Smulders was smoking hot, but clearly more than a pretty face.

Josh Radnor had weird ears and a big heart, and I grew to love his semi-self indulgent hipster-y indie movies, like LIBERAL ARTS. And maybe I recognized him as the Tour Guide from NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE, but I sincerely doubt it.

Jason Segel was already a king to me, having loved FREAKS AND GEEKS and UNDECLARED and firmly in the Judd Apatow camp.

HIMYM had me hooked, and over 200 episodes later, Ted, Barney, Marshall, Lily and Robin have become a part of who I am.

I wanted to be Barney, the one-liner spouting ladies’ man that’d make Wilt Chamberlain blush, with an outrageous salary for a bogus job, espousing more wisdom than Broda, and most impressively, no STD’s.

I wanted to date and fall in love with Robin, the impossibly (Canadian) beautiful “one of the boys” women with a sense of humor, a knack for laser tag, Daddy issues and a devastating pop star past. Cobie Smulders joining the Marvel Universe as Maria Hill only made this a more pressing desire.

I wanted to have a relationship like Marshall and Lily’s. Has there been a better couple on TV than Alyson Hannigan and Jason Segel’s characters? HIMYM has done a phenomenal job of adding layers to the pair, of adding conflict, humor and genuine ups and downs in their relationship, while never sacrificing or ruining the couple for the sake of shock value. It hasn’t always been Lilypad’s and Marshmallows, but that’s what makes them real, even while being the husband and wife we all strive to be. They haven’t been together for all 9 seasons, but there was never any doubt as to who they would end up with, and never any “won’t they” served with the heaping portions of “will they.”

But we’re all more like Ted than we want to admit. We over think things. We’re dreamers, optimists, architects of our own loneliness, creating impossibly romantic scenarios in our head that life can’t possibly supply. We hold onto things we love, for a painfully long time. We can’t get over them, or over ourselves, and yet, Ted is the everyman. The nice, funny, hopeless romantic searching for a happy ending, for meaning in this sometimes discouraging universe. HIMYM has proved unequivocally that the world needs Ted’s.

HIMYM changed television. HIMYM has the mythology and back story befitting a high concept drama like LOST or BREAKING BAD, yet it’s in a bite sized 20 minute sitcom package. No longer are audiences merely satisfied with a completely static cast of funky characters with no change like the sitcoms of yesteryear (or the cartoons of forever). We wanted events and episodes to matter, to have lasting effects, and HIMYM created a gripping story and addictive conceit with its pilot and never deviated from it. HIMYM changed the way we consume TV, a harbinger of high-concept obsessions and the binge-watching generation, presenting a new kind of sitcom.

Is there a show with more lasting and hilarious running jokes? A show that extolls more divine life lessons? More ingenious rules about dating? HIMYM created its own language.

I’ve used “Have you met—?” to start a conversation with women. It hasn’t really worked, but it’s never NOT worked. I’ve gone on dates in fear that they would use the Lemon Law.

I went to parties convinced I’d find the Slutty Pumpkin, and was discouraged when I didn’t. I wake up hung over hoping to find a pineapple on my bed stand. I wanted to meet someone that stirred something inside me, spurring me to steal that Blue French horn.

I’m always disappointed when I don’t make friends with the Taxi driver. I’ve never tried the Naked Man, but I’m convinced it’d work (2 out of 3 times). I want to correct everyone’s pronunciation of the word “Renaissance.”

I force Bro into random words and I didn’t make fun of a friend when he bought The Bro Code. I firmly disagree with the “Nothing Good Happens After 2 AM” mantra, but I can attest that most of the bad things in my life have come after that fateful time.

Of course, it hasn’t always been pretty (Daphne. “Son of a beesh.”).

To me, the first five seasons were practically bliss, some of the funniest, most inventive and heartfelt sitcoms in history. It was my favorite show during early seasons, and probably the only show that I would save on my DVR after watching it, leading to innumerable repeat viewings. I listened to “Sandcastles in the Sand” and “Let’s Go to the Mall” an embarrassing number of times. The Slap Bet is probably the best long-running joke in the history of TV. If I had recorded The Perfect Week on a VHS tape, it would’ve been destroyed. Who hasn’t felt like the Sexless Innkeeper at some point in their lives?

When I was backpacking in Europe, one night I found myself returning from the clubs of Barcelona (well after 2 AM). I was heading into my hostel for sleep when I bumped into a girl named Karlee. She was Canadian, and more importantly, was as obsessed with HIMYM as I was. We talked beside a fountain, which would’ve been romantic had it not been for the thieves and vagrants circling us like vultures, asking us for money and preparing us for the sex trade. But still, we chatted passionately for hours about our hopes and dreams, about marriage, TV, the future, the important things. We were both playing a part in re-enacting HIMYM…both falling in love for one night.

The problem was that we were both Ted’s. It was a perfect conversation, where everything the other person said made perfect sense and enlivened the heart and loins…and we both built up the other person impossibly in our heads, that the next morning…when the illusion (and drunk) had worn off, that it felt weird. We maybe weren’t the ones for each other, and probably never had been. We had played our parts perfectly. For that night, it was exactly what we wanted and needed…and by seeing each other again, we had kind of ruined it. Like Ted, I met the Slutty Pumpkin again, and it simply wasn’t the same. How do you follow that? You don’t.

The same problems plagued HIMYM. The last four seasons have been more like a rollercoaster, with a few unbearably long waits to get on the ride itself, as CBS and its creators dragged out this tale with seemingly no end in sight. It was becoming a major bummer (*salute* Major Bummer). The characters didn’t feel as fresh, and the relationships didn’t crackle with the same electricity, and the guest stars felt more like stunt casting than stumbling upon treasure (does it get better than Wayne Brady and James Van Der Beek?), and we all were just ready to meet the damn Mother already. Like the immortal Murtaugh, we were getting too old for this stuff, and so was Ted and the McLaren gang.

It’s taken three seasons to get us to Barney’s wedding, and 9 seasons for Ted to tell us the story of how he met the mother of his children. Sometimes it’s been like pulling teeth. At first, I would be practically giddy with a small morsel of information about the mother. She’s in a band? She has a yellow umbrella? Soon these “revelations” were met with sarcasm, eye rolling, and impatience.

Like Ted, we were tired of waiting. The show needed an intervention, and an endgame. Plus, with this massive snowball effect of expectation…doubt seeped into my brain. After 8 seasons of buildup, how could they possibly find a woman that would be worth the wait? This “Mother” wasn’t just for Ted. It was for all of us.

And then, in the finale of season 8 (“Something New”), we met Cristin Milioti.

Her hiring was probably one of the greatest TV casting decisions of all-time.

Sarcasm, doubt, impatience, all of it gone. Cristin Milioti is everything.

While getting a few random curly fries with your regular fry order is cause for celebration…Cristin Milioti is the dream. She’s the most adorable, sexy, funny and wonderful woman, and the  brilliance with which Carter Bays, Craig Thomas and Pamela Fryman have weaved her into the HIMYM tapestry has cemented their esteemed status on TV once again. “How Your Mother Met Me” is one of (if not) the best episode(s) of the entire show, injecting years of backstory and emotional investment in a character that already had an unfair amount of baggage and expectation before we even met her, all in 20 plus minutes. Cristin is the best part of every scene she’s in, and every interview or moment I’ve seen of her off camera has made me melt into the 5^th grade version of me after discovering my first crush.

After I watch/cry continuously during the two-part finale on Monday March 31^st (I’m debating whether or not I should eat a sandwich first), I’m going to miss HIMYM. For a few years, I was ready for it to be over, discouraged enough to consider removing it from my DVR entirely. Had I done so, I clearly would’ve been the Blitz. But come Tuesday morning, after HIMYM has no doubt come to an emotionally satisfying conclusion…I’ll want HIMYM back, and I likely won’t wait three days before trying to call her back.

Daddy’s finally coming home, with the Mother in tow, and it really was, impossibly, worth the wait.

It really was Legendary.

Crossovers have long been a part of the TV landscape. Most recently, Jerry Bruckheimer Productions has shuffled its cast of “characters” between COLD CASE and CSI: NY, or various combinations of CSI, CSI: MIAMI and CSI: NY. CSI & WITHOUT A TRACE also got in on the action.

But they’ve been around for a long time. Green Hornet and Kato appeared on an episode of Adam West and Burt Ward’s BATMAN. Characters from practically every crew in STAR TREK have met each other at one star date or another. Many shows have concluded storylines on other shows, like Andy Griffith on DIAGNOSIS: MURDER.

Can I beeee on any more shows?

90’s sitcoms featured a treasure trove of crossovers, as Chandler Bing of FRIENDS fame appeared on a show called CAROLINE IN THE CITY, and Lea Thompson (the titular Caroline) also made it on FRIENDS. Ross Gellar showed up on an episode of THE SINGLE GUY, which seems about right.

Kramer showed up on MAD ABOUT YOU. Carl Reiner reprised his role of Alan Brady from the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW on MAD ABOUT YOU. Phoebe’s twin sister Ursula (from FRIENDS) started as a character on MAD ABOUT YOU. Helen Hunt and MAD ABOUT YOU got around.

CHEERS & WINGS had a symbiotic relationship. Dr. Crane appeared on the JOHN LARROQUETE SHOW. Steve Urkel checked into FULL HOUSE and STEP BY STEP and John Stamos plays himself in STEP BY STEP, potentially forever altering the space-time continuum in the process.

Ray Romano and Kevin James have both appeared on their counterpart’s respective shows. Ray Barone (which is apparently Ray’s last name in EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND) appeared on COSBY, THE NANNY and BECKER. Everybody truly loved Raymond.

While we’re clearly living in a golden age of TV, the 80’s and 90’s were a magical time, but the fun doesn’t stop there.

The holy trinity was achieved much later, in the deplorable 00’s, by the Disney Channel when HANNAH MONTANA, THAT’S SO RAVEN and THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK & CODY merged for an ungodly episode called “That’s So Suite Life of Hannah Montana.”

I can’t go a few minutes without mentioning something related to Joss Whedon, and his vampire shows ANGEL and BUFFY featured many of the same characters popping in and out and storylines that directly affected the other. Beyond that, Whedonites will tell you that the entire Whedonverse is connected.

There are a billion more (especially when you expand the net to include spinoffs or animated shows), but why isn’t there a network dedicated to it? Why aren’t producers and their production companies teaming up to produce seamless hours of interconnected, Easter Egg laden entertainment?

It’s exhausting, expensive, and likely, implausible in many respects. But…come on.

This year, Jason Katims has staged a little fun with his three TV shows on NBC: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, PARENTHOOD and ABOUT A BOY, highlighting the promise and potential.

Even before Katims staged an “official” crossover between FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS and PARENTHOOD, the shows were very much similar in mood, tone and actors. Almost every time a story necessitated a recurring guest star, Katims simply borrowed from his FNL alumni, oftentimes recycling their skillset or going against the grain, but always to comedic/wonderful effect.

Then “Friday Night at the Luncheonette” happened where Dillon, TX traveled to Berkeley, CA for a performance of Crucifictorious, the (3rd) greatest fictional band of all-time (Random Rankings column coming soon!). Amber (Mae Whitman) is manning the Luncheonette, Crosby and Adam’s recording studio, when LanceLandry shows up with the band and tears the place down with their set, thanks to Billy Riggins and a bunch of beer. It’s beautiful, hilarious bliss to see these characters again, mingling with Amber and Max.

Here’s the whole thing:

Jason Katims didn’t stop there. When ABOUT A BOY, NBC’s newest schmaltzy comedy that stars David Walton and Minnie Driver, premiered on February 22nd, the circle expanded further, another Katims Konnection. In fact, it existed already HAVING a crossover, as star David Walton had a cameo in a poker game on a previous episode of PARENTHOOD:

That’s Walton almost not in the shot on the right. Turnabout is fair play, however, as PARENTHOOD’s Crosby (Dax Shepard; we see the back of his head in the above shot) appears in ABOUT A BOY in Will Freeman’s very own poker game.

What can we derive from this? Jason Katims likes poker, the Bay Area (both shows are set in the SF area) and that he has fun playing with the audience a little bit. Here’s how Katims described the happenstance to EW:

“The one that aired on Parenthood was so subtle because people don’t know [About a Boy] yet, but I kinda liked that — not say anything about it and putting it out there,” Katims said. “When Dax comes on to About a Boy it will be very different. It’s going to be a cameo. It won’t be what the episode is going to be about. We’re doing it in ways that feel real and organic to the shows…I’ve never done anything like that before…it seemed like a natural thing to do.”

I’m not sure he can say that he’s never done anything like that before, considering what we already know about the incestuous relationship between FNL and PARENTHOOD, but I believe him when he says that it’s just a one and done thing.

But why should it be?

Cardigans.

Why are superhero movies, and in particular, the incestuous (in a good way) Marvel Cinematic Universe films, the only piece of popular entertainment that can crossover? The same benefits apply to any other show. In fact, you could argue the benefits might be even bigger for TV.

In this day and age, nobody watches a particular network out of loyalty or habit, unless they’re 67 years old and incapable of watching anything that doesn’t have a CSI or NCIS or L&O in the title. By creating an expanded universe within a roster of specific shows, and utilizing web series and webisodes and exclusive content online, a network rewards fandom, and gives viewers that watch more than one of their shows a certain cache. It incentivizes the relationship between TV and consumer, and rewards multiple viewings, plays into the DVR crowd, and will spark debate and fanfare in an age dominated by that very thing.

In the comic book world, it’s why Marvel and DC continually piss fanboys off by whipping up company wide crossovers year after year, and why fanboys always buy them. Because they’re inherently cool, whether they blow or not, because they have ramifications and you won’t want to be left out in the cold watching THAT 70’S SHOW reruns (though there are worse fates).

It’s certainly a lot more effort, and money (actors wanna be paid, yo), but the upside is tremendous, as evidenced by the number of articles and interest that came out of just these crossovers, and these shows are low rated chump change in the scheme of things. Going further with this idea would also promote cohesion among writers and producers and this sort of collaboration would likely increase the quality of TV thanks to the old adage of friendly competition. You don’t want to be the one who doesn’t know how to write Ron Swanson, or doesn’t use him correctly, when he pops on CHICAGO FIRE to save the day with his homemade fire hose.

Speaking of, NBC’s crossovers don’t just revolve around Jason Katims. LAW & ORDER creator Dick Wolf is also getting in on the fun, with CHICAGO FIRE, CHICAGO PD and soon, LAW & ORDER: SVU, swapping characters. Therein lies the rub: most shows can only crossover if they share the same producer or creator or at the very least, production company. Hollywood’s needlessly complicated that way. Two shows might very well air on FOX on the same night, but they might be partially owned by different studios, or filmed on a Sony Studios lot, or in Vancouver.

It’d take a concentrated effort, a regime change, or a brand new network starting from scratch to pull this off. Or a network with nothing to lose and the infrastructure already intact. Go to Vancouver, and you’ll find that that’s where EVERY CW show is shot, and considering ARROW, TOMORROW PEOPLE and FLASH (with the potential for BIRDS OF PREY and SUICIDE SQUAD out there) already share the superhero DNA (with FLASH literally being an ARROW spinoff), the CW is halfway there. And if they can somehow make ARROW viewers watch HART OF DIXIE because Diggle shows up to bang Rachel Bilson, and find a way to merge these combating audiences (though ARROW is pretty much a soap opera with tights 87% of the time), CW is all of a sudden a buzzy network.

That’s an awful, lame example, but imagine an age when Stephen Amell’s Ollie could pop in on FOX’s GOTHAM, or NBC’s CONSTANTINE, or AMC’s PREACHER? Some of that sounds awful, but who knows? Networks will never allow this to happen, mind you, but this sort of bold maneuver might be exactly what they need to compete with cable and the myriad of online avenues for original content. It’d also send fan fiction writers into a tizzy.

Think about it, and in the comments, give me some of your dream TV crossovers!