Alex Ross, ya’ll.

My good friend David posted a well-reasoned column “What’s so great about high school Spider-Man?” last week, which you should read here before reading this rebuttal because, well, that’s how these things work.

So go do that.

…

OK, welcome back.

And for those of you who can’t follow instructions, I offer you a brief synopsis: David not only doesn’t like the somewhat-recent news that MARVEL and SONY are reportedly going with a 16-year-old version of Peter Parker, he also doesn’t understand the fascination with high-school era Pete (hopefully you gathered that by the title of his column).

Now that you’re ready to see the other side of the coin presented, I must preface my response by saying I agree almost entirely with David’s post.

You’re probably thinking: “Ryan, I don’t think you understand what ‘rebuttal’ means…”

I do! I promise. Hence the “almost,” but David makes a number of points I agree with. I, too, wanted Miles Morales. I also think a college-aged Pete would have been more believable in the existing MCU. I agree that three origin stories (all starting in high school) in roughly a decade is excessive.

And he’s right, you can accomplish all of the same life conflicts by placing him at a university instead of a high school… almost.

Which brings us back to his prevailing inquiry: “What’s so great about high school Spider-Man?”

I’ll begin answering that question by borrowing words from somebody else and taking them out of context (strong start!). Current Amazing Spider-Man scribe Dan Slott recently said in an interview that, “Whichever Spider-Man you care about is the real Spider-Man.”

Some people love Miles Morales. Some people love Miguel O’Hara. Some probably even love Spider-Ham. Surely a good number of fans love the committed Mr. and Mrs. Parker version, while others like to see Spidey sticking his Peter in Felicia Hardy. But what about the general movie-going public? The masses who will flock to see a Spider-Man who belongs in the MCU with the Avengers, who do they want in the costume?

The answer: teenage Spider-Man because, as David quoted me as saying in his post, that is when the character seems to be “at his most magical.”

But why?

For starters, in many people’s eyes, Peter Parker is the quintessential “teen superhero.”

Spider-Man has one of the three most recognizable origins in comic book history, alongside DC juggernauts Batman and Superman. But Spidey has something up his web shooters the other two don’t thanks to his station in life — relatability.

High school Peter has no money. Few friends. Homework. Pimples. Awkward changes to his body. He’s struggling to talk girls and a bullying victim. He has sticky white stuff shooting out of him (In the Ultimate Universe, at least).

I realize David used this in his, too. But it helps prove my point!

Of all the great superhero origin stories, Peter most closely resembles the “everyman.”

Sure, you feel bad for the kid who just lost his planet and his parents and is forced to grow up in rural Kansas, but who can relate to Kal-El when he’s lifting tractors over his head in diapers? And, yeah, you feel for Bruce when his parents are gunned down but very few can relate to the billion-dollar trust fund he inherits. It’s also hard to put yourself in the shoes of  a guy who immerses himself into world-traveling, hyper-obsessive training over the better part of a decade to become the world’s greatest detective and the master of 127 martial arts.

Spider-Man is also the only one of the “Big Three” who becomes a superhero immediately after his tragic event. Spider-Man had to learn what he was doing on the fly (accidental spider pun!).

This tremendous origin has helped Spider-Man defy the odds by overcoming years of sub-par story lines, nearly irreparable continuity and a seriously bloated roster of Spider-Beings.

Surely this wouldn’t seem overwhelming to a newcomer, right?

He is dealing with all of these struggles that we all must endure when he gains his powers. His origin takes place smack dab in the middle of one of the most confusing and trying times we all go through in life.

As much as I agree with David’s sentiment that this will make it hard to believe he belongs with the way-older Avengers in the MCU, you could also argue that it adds an element of youth that is missing from the group.

That time in life is ripe for good stories. And one man saw this and updated it for the modern era, creating one of the most beloved versions of Spider-Man ever: Brian Michael Bendis.

Sure, there are a ton of Bendis haters out there for some of his controversial work on some of MARVEL’s big event comics (House of M, Avengers Disassembled, Age of Ultron, etc., as well as his recent polarizing run on the various X-Men titles) and some of the criticism is certainly earned. But Bendis knocked it out of the park(er) with Ultimate Spider-Man.

This scene kinda gets my point across in a nutshell: Peter tells MJ he’s Spider-Man. It’s powerful, emotional stuff.

When I was reading Ultimate Spider-Man in high school, I just felt it come to life off the pages. As a big comic fan myself, few runs have resonated with me in such a meaningful way.

WARNING: spoilers for a nearly 15-year-old comic incoming!!!

Also, just know that if they do choose to go the Ultimate Spidey route, it offers subject material from which they can draw without treading through the exact same stuff as the first two series: Gwen Stacy is a troubled teen, the symbiotes aren’t of alien origin. Peter’s web shooters are organic, not mechanical. Spidey dies.

It’s entirely Bendis’ world and it’s still going strong, albeit with Miles Morales swinging through NYC.

But why Miles and not Peter now? Because adult Peter lost its magic. So Bendis took the series back to what makes Spider-Man so special — high school. Young, relatable, malleable, fun.

Now just as a support for using the Ultimate Comics as inspiration, I’d like to point you to “The Avengers” film.

If you didn’t know, it closely resembles Mark Millar’s stellar run on The Ultimates. (But as David fairly pointed out to me in a recent conversation, the film benefitted greatly from Joss Whedon’s sense of humor.)

Look at the Wikipedia synopsis of Vol. 1 of The Ultimates: “General Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. establishes a strike force of government-sponsored metahumans which includes Captain America; scientist couple Henry and Janet Pym (Giant-Man and the Wasp); Bruce Banner (the Hulk) and Tony Stark (Iron Man). Together they are based at the S.H.I.E.L.D facility, the Triskelion. When Banner injects himself with the super-soldier serum and goes on a bloody rampage as the Hulk, he is eventually stopped by the other metahumans with the aid of Thor. The team then join forces with the mutants Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch and agents Hawkeye and Black Widow against the alien shape-shifters the Chitauri, who are defeated.”

Look at that roster: Captain America, Ant-Man, Wasp, Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver…. sound familiar? Well it should considering every one of them (I’m guessing Evangeline Lily will eventually be Wasp, but that’s a guess) is in the MCU.

Here are a few other tidbits the MCU borrowed from The Ultimates: a black Nick Fury, the Triskelion, S.H.I.E.L.D. establishing the Avengers by way of piecing together a metahuman strike force. Oh and stopping alien invaders named the Chitauri? Yep, check!

The Ultimate universe hasn’t exactly failed on the silver screen. They got to step out from under the weight of decades of main-universe continuity with battle-tested, modern source material to back them up.

Now that there is access to Spider-Man, I could definitely see MARVEL looking back toward the Ultimate universe to breath life back into the franchise in order to spin a different web, as it were, in the third re-telling of Peter’s origin in roughly a decade.

It’s not like the one they just abandoned was going anywhere special (except for maybe the rumored Aunt May spinoff! I wanted it to be “The Aunt-May-zing Spider-Man.”)

Ok, this is exceedingly long at this point. I promise I’m wrapping it up. As Uncle Ben once said, “With great word count, comes great unreadability.”

After the disaster that was Spider-Man 3 or the poorly-executed Amazing Spider-Man 2, this franchise needs a jolt and that will come from belonging to the MCU, not from making him older.

And if those aforementioned duds and a few decades of polarizing continuity decisions in the comics (second Clone Saga, Sins Past, One More Day, etc.) have taught us anything, maybe it’s that the question really is: “What’s so special about Spider-Man after high school?”

The defense rests.

When Peter Capaldi was announced, I was ecstatic. Not because I knew who he was (because honestly, I didn’t) but because he was so unlike any of the New Series Doctors. He was older, a bit wiser looking and there was something that was so exciting about getting back to a Doctor who wasn’t fresh out of puberty.

I stayed away from all spoilers (aside from new companion/villain casting) and I refused to read about the script leakage (Shame on them!) let alone go in search of the scripts themselves. I was bracing myself, I was ready, I was convinced it was going to be awesome season because I (stop your groaning) love Clara and wanted her to finally be able to step out of Amy’s shadow and maybe that could happen with a new Doctor. Unfortunately, that was one of the only things that happened in the Series 8 premiere that was worthwhile. (I don’t care what anyone says, Clara is awesome and the restaurant exchange between her and Capaldi’s Doc was phenomenal).

Now I know the premiere was a few days ago, but I controlled myself and didn’t watch it until I went to a proper screening last night with a lifelong Whovian (who like many others, is a diehard Tom Baker fan). But when leaving the surprisingly full AMC theatre, we were both shocked at how underwhelmed we were.

The story that this long ass episode tried to tell, was a hot mess. Starting with a dinosaur roaming Victorian England, ending with some funky-freaky incarnation of the Clockwork Androids from one of my favorite episodes of television ever (S02.E04 “The Girl in the Fireplace”, also written by Moffat) jumping out of the TARDIS and spearing himself to death. The episode was a disaster when it started and a disaster when it ended.

Like many of Moffat’s episodes since he took over as show-runner, it tried to do too much in a short amount of time and instead of blending together as one cohesive and intriguing mystery, it was too  many different ideas and not enough of any of them. Between the unnecessary dinosaur, Capaldi’s absolutely beautiful exchange with the homeless man, Clara being interrogated by Madame Vastra, and the Doctor and Clara trying to figure each other out at the same time as solving the mystery of “what the restaurant was”… It was just wrong and it did not work.

In addition to the many storylines that didn’t weave together, I, and I suspect many others, were also more preoccupied in figuring out this new Doctor and who he is (which became increasingly more difficult as the episode went on) rather than investing in the ridiculous story. The first episode with a new Doctor is always challenging to get through – whether it’s because you can’t let go of the last one (I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO, MATT SMITH) or because the Doctor has spent the majority of the episode passed out and regenerating (I’m looking at you, Tennant), but Moffat made it extremely difficult on us this time. Capaldi’s inner dialogue that was very much outer dialogue for the entire episode was beautiful and tragic and interesting…but is that really who this Doctor is? Answer: Apparently, given the closing scene between him and Clara.

All that being said however, Peter Capaldi did a wonderful job embodying our beloved Doctor. He had the weight of the world on his 2000 year old shoulders and commanded every scene he was in, not to mention his comedic timing and humor was just perfect (as was the writing for those particular moments: so many good one-liners and jokes, especially about being Scottish.)

But unfortunately again, none of Capaldi’s excellence in performance changes the fact that the problems in writing outweighed even the best of the funny. To add insult to injury, DOCTOR WHO has also become a bunch of green screen and CGI. I’m all about improving quality of TV, what? One of the great things about DOCTOR WHO was the kitschy sets and people dressed in monster-costumes, and now we’ve moved onto gigantic computer-generated dinosaurs and horrible shots of dead androids (which, by the way, were completely superfluous and crude for the nature of the show).

Basically it comes down to this: I have been Team Moffat since he took over DOCTOR WHO three series’ ago; I have stuck by him, defended him, and supported him but I’m starting to feel as if that time in my life is coming to a close. While SHERLOCK is only getting better, Moffat doesn’t seem to have a grasp on what he’s doing with DOCTOR WHO (although, I do love that they finally addressed the question of who gave Clara the TARDIS phone number) and I’m crossing my fingers that he doesn’t take us down yet another road that completely eradicates past storylines. He better make a big change and real fast if he expects to keep this particular Whovian happy.

Get it together, Moff, and quick.

The Femmes all had fairly specific answers, albeit not always imaginative ones. We got Wonder Woman, Jean Grey, Rogue and Catwoman but all women seemed to say the same thing: they wanted a strong, funny, sassy woman and while yeah, it’s cool that we’re finally getting that, it’s taken way too long.

The Fellas responses however, are the exact problem with bringing superheroines to life on the big screen.

Jeff Sneider “only buys ScarJo and Angie, so if you don’t bring [him] one of them, [he’s] out.” He said he’d prefer a female remake of The Crow to any other female superhero out there and while I’m not denying how unquestionably awesome a female Crow would be, why genderbend when there are already so many other deserving ladies? And why limit yourself to Scarlett Johannson and Angelina Jolie when you have goddesses like Katee Sakoff, Gina Torres, and Amy Acker?

Jordan Zakarin thinks, “it’s sort of a silly debate to be having, because women have shown that they can lead…Plus, it’s not like a woman superhero would suddenly ruin the integrity and streak of perfection in these films.” True, we have shown we can lead and there have been more flops than the studios would like to admit, but to minimize the importance of the debate by calling it “silly” just proves how much more work women have to do to prove their worth. Would Jordan have called it silly when talking about the next male hero to be adapted? Arguably not.

Joseph Kapsch questions if “a studio can actually create a female superhero driven tentpole that is as viable a moneymaker as its male counterparts?” This kind of thinking is the exact reason why it’s taken so long to get a heroine onto the screen in the first place. Stop questioning and start trying.

Tony Maglio says, “I’m all for female superhero movies, but the fangirl market is still not what the fanboy market is, so it seems like a riskier investment from the studio side. Plus, historically, the vast majority of superheroes were men, so it’s inarguably slimmer pickings for the fairer sex within the realm of existing franchises.” I’m sorry, how does that matter? Sure, there may be “less options” but there are still an abundance of underrated powerful and complex heroines between all the comic universes, so why does the ratio of women to men in comics tilt the scales?

Todd Cunningham was one of my personal favorites (read: asshole). “I don’t think the gender of the superheroes matters that much, and I’m pretty sure that superhero equality shouldn’t be on the front burner when it comes to equality between the sexes. The fact is, most superhero movies are primarily the domain of teenage boys, who can identify best with male heroes (not to mention the “yuck — girls!” factor). That doesn’t mean it has to be that way going forward, but it’s not like Hollywood and Marvel and DC haven’t tried female superheroes before — if you look at Wikipedia, there’s nearly a hundred of them, and some have connected. I know Warner Bros. is pinning a lot of hope on Wonder Woman as a character. And Scarlett Johansson may yet get her own Black Widow movie with Marvel.” Mr. Cunningham could not be more confused. He gives the bigoted impression that he sees no gender inequality at all and therefore, why is everyone so upset? While no, a female hero isn’t the most important issue in the battle between sex-equality, the fact that out of all the superhero movies that have been made in the last fifteen years, I don’t even need a single finger to count the solo heroine films… That’s a major problem. The gender of superheroes released for public consumption in such a mass media market like cinema, and by extension television, is much more important that Todd realizes. Oh, there’s nearly a hundred female superheroes on Wikipedia? Why make any more, that’s plenty. Oh, ScarJo may finally get her own BLACK WIDOW movie 7 years after her character was first introduced, two IRON MAN sequels, potentially two THOR sequels, and one AVENGERS sequel later? No, there’s absolutely nothing wrong nor unequal about that. “Yuck – girls!” is no longer a feasible excuse – these films are not made for pre-pubescent boys anymore, they’re made for the general population which women just so happen to be part of.

These delightful gentlemen and the studio bigwigs are major contributing reasons that it’s take this long to adapt a female superhero into a cinematic feature; because it’s silly to wonder which heroine should get her own film, because unless you’re Angelina Jolie no one will want to see the film, because there are less options than male heroes, because “Yuck – girls!”

Unfortunately for these poor nimrods, however, a few of their male coworkers got it right: Tim Molloy offered his personal experience growing up on Black Cat and how much he loved and identified with her. He says that audiences today will embrace the female hero, especially if she’s an underdog. “But it’s sexist (and boring) if a heroine’s only supposed weakness is the fact that she’s a woman. Superhero movies need to give their women heroes the same kinds of flaws that men have, from Iron Man’s dying heart to the Hulk’s lack of self-control. If the story’s compelling, moviegoers will buy in.”

Andy Gensler also brought up a great point that women in comics have more often than not been reduced to sexy ninja warriors because if they don’t fall into that category they tend to have a tough go of it in comics. He wants the superheroine to be reinvented. His thoughts: “I’d like to see R. Crumb’s Ideal Woman, but made-over as a bad-ass contemporary feminist, a warrior who can cut through male megalomania BS in a single honest, authentic, and castrating bound. Who should play her? Melissa McCarthy, looking buxom and badass.”

And lastly Travis Reilly put it in terms that even Cunningham should be able to understand. “1) I like superhero movies, and 2) I like women. Those are my thoughts.” Upset that “companies are still — in the vast majority of instances — clinging to Caucasian male leads,” Reilly has been waiting just as long as women have for a heroine to get her own film.

*Side note, Microsoft word does not try to autocorrect “superhero” but does give me the red squigglies for “superheroine.” Jus’ sayin’.

SPOILERS.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about Netflix Original Programming. ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK is great, though if we’re being totally honest I wasn’t the biggest fan of Season 2. As for HEMLOCK GROVE, maybe it’s because I haven’t read the books, or maybe it’s because halfway into Season 2 of HEMLOCK GROVE I finally gave in and had to google what an “upir” is because it was never actually explained in the show (apparently it’s a half demon/half witch hybrid thing), but something about HG is just wrong. Obviously Netflix must have known it too because they found a way of reversing the decision to give Famke Janssen an atrocious accent, and they worked S02’s storyline so that all the characters basically changed completely over the “few months” that happened between the S01 finale and the S02 premiere.

The show started out pretty intriguing. Roman, an upir, befriends Peter, a werewolf, in the search to find the monster that’s been murdering girls all around their small town. A few other strange supporting characters here and there, but an overall interesting premise. Not quite what you expected it to be (not the shallow high school sci-fi drama you’d find on the CW), but instead something that tried to have a little depth and mythology, albeit not very well explained.

The werewolf change was awesome, though.

And somehow, even with a decent premier season the sophomore set of episodes was just catastrophic. After S01’s risqué love triangle between Peter, Roman, and Roman’s blond cousin Letha that he unknowingly impregnated (he was under a spell), S02 tried to make another convoluted triangle between Peter, Roman, and some new random blond chickadee. The writers’ solution to this new love triangle had to be different than last season though, so instead of putting Roman in a coma after a car accident, they wrote in a threesome instead. At least in sex-heavy shows like TRUE BLOOD threesomes are expected and moreover, encouraged, because that’s the nature of the show. HEMLOCK GROVE started to try so desperately to be a mix of THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, TRUE BLOOD, and DAYS OF OUR LIVES that it seems to have no idea what it’s doing, and is leaving the viewers in complete confusion by the end of each episode wondering how we got to where we are, and more importantly: where the hell are we?

But even so, I stuck it out and convinced myself that everything was going to be ok and I could get back into this mess and figure it out… Until the home-grown, genetically engineered girl that popped up was eaten in order to save an upir from dying. How did that work, you ask? Still don’t know.

The sister, Shelley.

On top of all that disaster, we also have the mystery that is Roman’s younger sister – a deformed non-upir who’s powers of glow-in-the-dark empathy mysteriously vanished between seasons 1 and 2, and who’s consciousness was apparently being transferred into the genetically engineered girl (who’s also blond. The only brunette’s on the show are evil, crippled or dead. I’m sensing a theme here.)

Yet, I was still trying to forgive this show and get back on board regardless of how ridiculous it was getting…. Until the S02 finale when a huge flying dragon-human-monster-no-one-quite-knows-wtf-it-is thing showed up as Roman and Peter’s shared lover was trying to kill herself and Letha’s baby.

The grow-your-own, Shelley2.

After convincing myself to finish Season 2, I am sad to say that I am admitting defeat and giving up on the show entirely. Know how many shows I’ve done this to in my life? I can count them on one hand and even then, they are not “I will never endure another episode of this poop again.” They are, “I don’t have time to finish”/”Not really invested, will try again later”/”Need to watch at home to catch all the great moments because multi-task-watching at work just isn’t cutting it.”

But to HEMLOCK GROVE I say no more. I say that I will not force myself to suffer through any more agonizing dialogue or accents, or such painfully sexually tense scenes between Roman and Peter that the writers refuse to acknowledge outright but half-assed allow by scripting a threesome. I am taking a stand against HEMLOCK GROVE, slamming down my gavel, and refusing to waste another hour on this horrible soap opera.

Fight the power! And the werewolves! And the upirs!

But seriously, what in the hell is an upir?

LIE TO ME follows a group of scientists that study universal micro-expressions to determine if someone is telling the truth.

Of course, I’ve done a few other things with my life in the past few months too. I’ve slept a little, eaten from time to time, and occasionally even showered. But mostly I’ve come to the shocking and slightly disappointing realization that marathoning TV has ruined my life.

TRUE BLOOD knew it was going down the toilet, so they bribed their female and homo viewers into staying until the end.

When I find a good show that I get truly invested in it becomes all I think about. I’ll cancel plans with friends because why would I spend time with them when I can obsess about Freya’s choice between brothers Killian and Dash? Or wonder how it took so long for there be a sex scene between Eric and Jason in the seven seasons of HBO’s soft-core vampire porno. These shows become the most important friends I have, and all others in my life will take second, third or fourth place when necessary. I’ll even avoid my daily phone call with my mom (who’s my favorite person in the entire world) if it means that I have to resurface from Peter and Roman’s [b]romance (because OMG they’re so gay for each other it hurts).

Even now, as I sit here and bitch and moan about how marathoning TV has taken over my life, the majority of my brain is still wondering if Cal and Gillian are ever going to admit they’re meant to be. (Sidenote: every actor ever has guest-starred on LIE TO ME. Like, for serious.)

Nassau, New Providence Island. 1715. One guess what BLACK SAILS is about.

Unfortunately, the worst (read: BEST) part about marathoning TV is that the list doesn’t ever end. Somewhere in life I’m going to finish BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BLACK SAILS and HANNIBAL, and if-and-when I ever catch up with those bad boys I’ll finally get to AMERICAN HORROR STORY, VIKINGS, DOMINION, ORPHAN BLACK and TRUE DETECTIVE, though not necessarily in that order. Of course, this is theoretically in addition to all the currently airing [summer] shows I try to keep up with as well like SUITS, COVERT AFFAIRS, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and practically every ABC Family show ever. (I see your judging eyes. ABCF is the shit. Sorry, not sorry.)

The moral of this short and distracted story is: Marathoning TV has ruined my life.

And with that, off I go again. Later, haterz.

During this last watch-through of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (yes, this was Buffy-binge #8) I really had a wonderful appreciation of all the speeches that happened over the course of those glorious seven seasons. There were some funny ones, some touching ones, some angering ones and because I spend way more time on Buzzfeed than I’ll ever admit, I decided to do one more BtVS ranking of all the best ones. Below is a comprehensive list of the top 25 BtVS wordsmithings. When necessary they’ve been edited together to exclude interrupting dialogue, or little snippets that were not wholly necessary to the point of the speech. A few had to have minimal lines of the opposing dialogue and those are marked (in parenthesis). Good luck, and I’d grab a box of tissues if I was you.

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25. I’d shame myself forever if I left this little blurb off the list because the fact is, this was the most uncomfortably erotic speech in the entire show (although that balcony scene at the Bronze in season 6… Don’t act like you don’t know exactly which one I’m talking about. ‘Cause Gawddamn.) You couldn’t stop squirming and blushing and looking away and peeping through your fingers the entire time that Faith/Buffy/Bodyswap inched closer and closer to… the champagne. But srsly, name me one person who didn’t love this scene. Go on. I’ll wait.

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24. This one surprised me being so low on the list. It was one of my favorite episodes, yet the end speech was a little lack-luster compared to some of the other hunkers on the list. It’s still touching, but not quite the tear jerker without having watched the entire episode first.

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23. The first time we get a little sassy-Willow speech. It was not to be trifled with nor ignored. Poor Giles and Angel got scolded.

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22. Our first intimate encounter with the self-righteous side of our slayer. Basically, if you can get through this speech without wanting to slap her indignant face, you’re in good shape. If you can’t… Just stop watching the show. (But really, this speech was great.)

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21. This was actually one of my least favorite speeches in the show because Buffy’s ego is the size of Carrot Tops’ hair, but it still serves to illustrate a good point: The rules and laws of keeping balance between good and evil are Buffy’s, and Buffy’s alone. We’ve known it the entire show, but it hasn’t truly been tested in a few seasons. It was a good way to start the finale season by getting back to the basics.

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20. Again, with the Willowtude. For a brief moment we catch a glimpse of her power and the woman she’s still turning into: powerful and resolute.

No good GIF of BossWillow immediately available. Sad face.

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19. This. For how little we saw of Mr. Travers, he sure made a huge impact on the fandom. My only real problem is that we didn’t see him again (until he got blowed up, anyway). Any communication between Buffy and The Watchers’ Council was perfect, and this speech was even doubly more perfect. I’m still dreaming of a Watchers’ Council spinoff…

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18. This episode. This speech. This everything. We saw little bits of William (and William the Bloody) here and there throughout the series, but this episode was wonderful. It not only gave us more insight into William as a human, but also into what helped turn him into the monster we first met back in Season 2. Not to mention the chemistry (or, as some argue, sexual tension) between James Marsters and D.B. Woodside was phenomenal.

Spike, 7×17/Lies My Parents Told Me: I wasn’t talking to you. I don’t give a piss about your mum. She was a slayer. I was a vampire. That’s the way the game is played. She knew what she was signing up for. (Well, I didn’t sign up for it.)  Well, that’s the rub, innit? You didn’t sign up for it. (…She was my world.) And you weren’t hers. Doesn’t that piss you off? I know slayers. No matter how many people they’ve got around them, they fight alone. Life of the chosen one. The rest of us be damned. Your mother was no different. (No, she loved me.) But not enough to quit, though, was it? Not enough to walk away– For you. I’ll tell you a story about a mother and son. See, like you, I loved my mother. So much so I turned her into a vampire, so we could be together forever. She said some nasty bits to me after I did that. Been weighing on me for quite some time. But you helped me figure something out. You see, unlike you, I had a mother who loved me back. When I sired her, I set loose a demon, and it tore into me, but it was the demon talking, not her. I realize that now. My mother loved me with all her heart. I was her world.

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17. Firstly, did anyone else love how Spike was there when her mom found out about her? No? Just me? This entire scene was so masterfully conceived – a coming out that didn’t allow for a sit-down-show-and-tell, but rather an in-your-face-can’t-talk-gotta-go-kick-some-demon-ass where Buffy has to physically push her mother off of her so she can leave the house… Yowza. This entire sequence brought even more tension to already horrifying situation.

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16. Spike and Riley’s chemistry was unbelievable at times, and who didn’t love watching the two of them fight over Miss Summers? We’d been watching Spike pine and try to forget his feelings for B for a long time by the time episode 10 happened, but the moment that he confesses – out loud – to Riley – that he’s into Buffy, there’s a beauttiful moment of vulnerability that the two doomed fellas share that just heartbreaking. And maybe a little sexy. Maybe.

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15. Anya had quite a few great words to share over the course of the show. This speech in particular was something the fans adored. It was yet another layer on top of the foundation Anya laid out in “The Body” where she’s slowly starting to become more and more human, and appreciating and admiring their strength (against her better judgment).

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14. We already knew Angel was leaving the show for his spin-off, but having such an exquisite and delightfully maniacal villain speak the truth neither Buffy or Angel wanted to hear was the perfect push out the door.

Unfortunately GIFs of The Mayor during S3 are scarce, so here’s this instead.

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13. This little dialogue was such a beautiful precursor to the horror of Xander’s plight that followed mere minutes after. Poor Xand.

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12. Anyone who can watch such a young, babyfaced Buffy crying about how she doesn’t want to die at 16 without bawling themselves is dead inside.

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11. Spike had some great speeches over the course of the show. Some really, really great speeches. I’d be the worst fan in the history of fandom if I excluded his dark, twisted jab at Buffy during an all-time favorite, “Fool for Love.” The editing of this scene, cutting between Nikki Wood and Buffy with the voiceover of Spike taunting Buffy as he explained how he killed Wood was just excellent. Bravo.

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10. We knew something was wrong. We all understood that Buffy came back from the dead and obviously she was different, but we knew there had to be something more. I just don’t think any of us really expected this. I, for one, never predicted the huge curveball that they threw at the audience: that Buffy was in heaven. A quiet and haunting one-sided-exchange between our fallen hero (see what I did there?) and the demon who would die for her helped establish the tumultuous relationship they would undertake until the end.

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9. I did not include this speech in the top ten because it was Spike [yet again] professing his love to our bubbly blond (although who didn’t love that?). I included it because it was the first time we really saw his soul since he got it back. The Spike of Season 6 was all about seducing Buffy into darkness, yet this Spike can only tell her how much he loves who she truly is. It, for me, the actual turning point of his character (although they [and more specifically, he] had quite a few tender moments throughout the season.)

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8. Buffy’s been beat the eff down. What’s she do? Get up and tell everyone how she’s gonna kick Evil’s ass. If that’s not the definition of why we love her, nothing is.

Buffy 7×10/Bring on the Night: I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond scared. I’m standing on the mouth of hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it’ll choke on me. We’re not ready? They’re not ready. They think we’re gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I’m done waiting. They want an apocalypse? Oh, we’ll give ’em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now.’Cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won’t just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts one by one, until The First shows itself for what it really is. And I’ll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this earth more powerful than evil, and that’s us. Any questions?

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7. In re-watching BtVS, I had to admit that I really loved Faith in Season 7. Her time in jail and the shows’ progression and maturity over the years really did wonders to her characters’ development. She came back to SunnyD with the same bad-girl attitude with a better head on her shoulders and much more self-awareness than she had when she left, and this scene was all we really wanted over the course of the show: for our girls to realize that they were the same.

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6. Anya’s speech in “Empty Places” was a point of contention among fans for a long, long time (and probably still is). Some thought Anya was completely out of line and had no authority to pass any kind of judgment against Buffy, yet I tend to the think the opposite. This was a powerful, disturbing moment when all of her friends have turned against for the first time in a long time, and even with all her power, Buffy is powerless to change their minds. Anya always had a bit of truth serum running through her veins, and with this little bit she finally let loose and scolded Buffy for having a superiority complex.

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5. No explanation necessary.

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4. I loved this speech. It wasn’t just empowering to the Potentials in Buffyverse, but empowering to all girls and women – every girl does have the power to stand up, so why want until you’re told it’s ok? Do it the fuck now.

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3. I don’t know whether to rank this higher or lower because of Emma Caulfield’s confession that she was crying because she really had to pee and they wouldn’t let her until they finished the scene. Regardless, the emotional impact of this speech is what brought fans to their knees praising her performance until the show’s finale two years later.

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2. All these years, and Xander has always been the laughing joke, the boy with no power, the useless human whose only contribution is sarcasm. And here, in this speech that gets me misty-eyed just by reading it, he has once again proved that he is so much more. His awareness of who he is and what he does and how he helps is so far from the nerdy joker we met back in Season 1. He truly is the heart of the Scoobies. Once again, he reminds us why we, the fans, lean on him for support and strength, and at the same time gets those who hadn’t noticed before that moment to recognize the wonderful character Dawn has finally become. She started off as a brat that you’d bury 6-feet under if given the chance, yet over the first half of this season (and even some of late-6), she’s become an intelligent, confident young woman who is not only devoted to the cause but provides some of the most valuable support in the entire season.

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1. The first three years were tough for Buffy… And us. We watched her work so hard to save everyone constantly and never receive any gratitude from anyone outside her own immediate clique. Thinking she’d gone unnoticed and unappreciated all these years, “The Prom” was the most compassionate and poignant speech we had the pleasure of witnessing.

In conclusion, this.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb4rmm0l4PU&w=560&h=315]

Ranking my favorite show of all time has caused me laugh, cry, scream and hide in a dark, dark corner. I relived the best times, tried to desperately to ignore the worst ones, and have landed through all my blood, sweat and tears at the final countdown.

7. 1×12 Prophecy Girl: A great Season One finale. “Prophecy Girl” took a risk in having our heroine drown (however momentarily) in order to make sure we knew she was not immune to death nor sacrifice. Xander being the only one able to provide CPR and bring her back not only foreshadowed his role in her life – keeping her grounded and protecting her through thick and thin – but also the imminent demise of her relationship with Angel who couldn’t give her the most basic thing a human body needs: oxygen. In the first touching speech of many to come Buffy declares, “Giles, I’m sixteen years old! I don’t want to die.” and the audience begins to feel the weight of her role in the universe.

6. 3×22 Graduation Day, Part Two: Three years of surviving all that Sunnydale High could think to throw at them, we not only watched, but grew with the Scoobies; we saw them win some, saw them lose some, saw them laugh and cry and save their friends and peers countless times, and it all boiled down to “Graduation Day.” The final chapter where the class of ’99 would leave the school one way or another, dead or alive, came to a touching and charred conclusion where the only way to save our team was to blow up their base of operations and safety net: the high school library.

5. 4×22 Restless: Love it or hate it, this episode was perfect. Not a single word written in this 42 minute-dreamscape was a waste, unnecessary, or fluff. Even the cheese man had purpose. A deliberate and beautifully crafted series of vignettes, this episode gave hints of the trials to come, insight into the Scoobies minds’, and a look at the First Slayer: someone who would haunt us until the Series finale three years later.

4. 7×22 Chosen: The series finale gave us what we wanted most: Buffy to be not be alone, Willow to be at peace, Faith to be accepted… It rounded out all of our heroes’ journeys and left us with a feeling of calm that no matter what happened here on out everything would be ok.

3. 2×22 Becoming, Part Two: This finale, like “Prophecy Girl”, gave us a look at the future, whether we wanted it or not. We saw that Buffy would sacrifice what she had to, regardless of what it cost her and how powerful Willow would really become when she returned Angel’s soul to him from a hospital bed. “Becoming, Part Two” was a solid, emotionally complex and gut-wrenching episode that will forever help to define Buffy as a cult masterpiece.

2. 6×07 Once More with Feeling: Choosing to rank “Once More with Feeling” second was incredibly difficult. Where many have failed before, Joss Whedon succeeds flawlessly, giving us an incredible musical episode where you may not expect it. The world he created over the previous five and a half years lent itself wonderfully to being able to incorporate such a fantastically whimsical episode, and the execution of it was so far above our expectations that it left us in awe. The musical numbers, the revelations and the reveals in this classic episode were designed remarkably tight; they left no flaw or blemish, but instead a superb episode full of songs, laughs and maybe even a few tears.

1. 5×16 The Body: Over the years, I have watched a lot of television. I have marathoned show, after show, after show; Merlin, Breaking Bad, Oz, Game of Thrones, Supernatural, Fringe, Sons of Anarchy (currently), and so many more that I could go on for days, but none of these shows, none of these shows’ individual episodes, can hold a candle to the grace and beauty that was “The Body.” This episode dealt with death in a most spectacular and peculiar way. It didn’t gloss over it with a sad song and a montage of people crying, throwing things, having sex, being at a funeral or getting drunk off cheap whiskey. This episode was devoid of music to cover the silence and fast edits to show everyone that needed to be seen. This episode was haunting. It was stagnant and soft, and echoed feelings of reticence and stillness; a static that you might feel after someone close to you passes. From Buffy trying so desperately to administer CPR that she cracks one of her mothers’ ribs, to Tara telling Buffy how she relates and has been through the same, the speech written for Anya where she begs for someone to explain to her why death happens, Willow unable to find the shirt she wanted to wear – the blue one that Joyce liked – and the fantasies and flashbacks Buffy experiences throughout the whole of the episode… These long, arduous moments of grief were given to us, the viewer, with a sense of understanding, comfort, and trust: that we can all grieve together and that it’s ok to not understand why it happened or know what to do, but that we can all be there to share in the loss as one cohesive whole. “The Body” was an episode that unified the fans and the creative team, regardless of what they felt about which character or any specific storyline or plot. “The Body” was not just an episode where a character we loved died, it was an episode that allowed us to seek solace in one another and to appreciate those we have in our lives. “The Body” was the most agonizing, difficult and human episode of television I have ever seen.

I guess I shouldn’t complain about having to rank the episodes of my favorite television show when I volunteered to do it… But in all honesty, this is how I feel. This list will be each seasons’ episodes ranked individually, with a brief synopsis (and probably a quote, because the show just has some really good lines in it). Some will have opinions that I couldn’t keep in, and others will have outlines that were bias based on what happened in the actual episode. If I have to choose between two lines about Spike’s story or two lines about Riley’s, you’d better be damn sure I’ll give you Spike’s.

SEASON ONE:

11. 08 I Robot… You, Jane: Poor Willow. She gets conned into falling for a demon that’s been uploaded into the computer. If that’s not super 90’s, nothing is. No one wanted to see our favorite nerd get punk’d.

10. 03 The Witch: This episode introduced a character that will become pretty pivotal in a later season, but the whole mom-stealing-her-daughters-identity-so-she-can-relive-her-glory-days-as-a-cheerleader-thing was really effing strange.

9. 04 Teacher’s Pet: A substitute teacher is a huge praying mantis demon that seduces Xander and tries to kill him. Not the best, but certainly entertaining. This episode also started the much loved and ongoing joke about how he was a demon magnet.

8. 05 Never Kill a Boy on the First Date: Our first foray into why Buffy could never date a normal guy. Also: Angel.

7. 10 Nightmares: A sad episode that gave the viewer a Sunnydale-look into a little boy suffering physical abuse at the hands of his softball coach. When did TV stop being this good?!

6. 01/02 Welcome to the Hellmouth/The Harvest: The 2-part series premiere. We met our characters, fell in love with an old British librarian, and were kinda skeptical because these two were very, extremely not good. Pick up any dictionary and next to the entry “Campy” you’ll see a screenshot of these episodes.

5. 11 Out of Mind, Out of Sight: My first introduction to the amazing Clea DuVall. Whatever happened to that school for assassins that was shown at the end? Spinoff, you say?

4. 09 The Puppet Show: Creep factor is way high and totally deserved. Ventriloquists are the worst, but this episode was wonderfully crafted.

3. 06 The Pack: A totally underrated episode where Xander is infected with some ancient hyena God and proceeds to terrorize and victimize Sunnydale High. Poor Principle Flutie.

2. 07 Angel: Buffy – and the audience – finds out her mysterious hunk of tall, dark and broody is a vamp.

1. 12 Prophecy Girl: Buffy’s first sacrifice (read: death) in order to save the world. “How can I say this clearly? I don’t like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you’re a vampire. But Buffy’s got this big old yen for you. She thinks you’re a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.” [Xander]

SEASON TWO:

22. 18 Killed By Death: This episode was a waste of 42 minutes. Buffy gets sick, goes to hospital and saves some kids. That’s very heroic and so completely boring.

21. 12 Bad Eggs: An episode about killer eggs where the entire school is under control of baby demons. Wat?

20. 05 Reptile Boy: Buffy and Cordelia go to a frat party that ends up being a sacrifice to some demon God that keeps the boys rich and successful post-college. Good enough laughs, not good enough an episode.

19. 20 Go Fish: Xander in a swimsuit, young Wentworth Miller, Buffy the Bodyguard. Ok by me.

18. 07 Lie to Me: Roswell-BtVS crossover, except not really. Jason Behr comes to town as Buffy’s old crush from Los Angeles, admits to her that he knows she’s the slayer, makes a deal with Spike and ends up getting himself staked by the Buffster at the end of the episode.

17. 11 Ted: One of the few episodes where Buffy’s actions have real-world consequences when she’s suspected killing her mom’s boyfriend, Ted. Of course, it’s later revealed that Ted is a robot, but for a quick minute Blondie McSlay is in deep with the cops, her mom, and her classmates for having murdered an average Joe.

16. 16 Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered: Xander + Lovespell. AWESOME.

15. 04 Inca Mummy Girl: We met Oz! What was the rest of the episode about, again?

14. 02 Some Assembly Required: This episode shocks me every time I watch it. Not because a dude raised his bro from the grave, then proceeded to play Doctor by Frankensteining his walking dead sibling a new ladyfriend, but because by the end you’re really sad for the zombie brother that it didn’t work out in his favor. It wasn’t his fault he was brought back; he just didn’t want to be alone.

13. 01 When She Was Bad: Buffy’s attitude post-death-#1 starts to impact all those around her, and luckily the ever sassy Cordelia smacks her into shape. “Whatever is causing the Joan Collins ‘tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. ‘Cause pretty soon you’re not even gonna have the loser friends you’ve got now.” [Cordelia]

12. 06 Halloween: The Scooby Gang is turned into their costumes on Halloween courtesy of Giles’ old pal Ethan Rayne. Xander turns into an army guy (the training stays in his head until the end of the show, which was quite clever), Willow into a [slutty] ghost, and Buffy into a 19^th century lady… So, completely useless in their fight against Spike at the end of the episode. “She couldn’t’ve dressed up like Xena?” [Willow]

11. 09 What’s My Line, Part One: A bunch of random assassins hired by Spike and Drusilla go after the Scoobies during Career Week at Sunnydale High, and we meet a mysterious girl who locks Angel in a cage that’ll be showered in sunlight come dawn. “Y’know, with that kind of attitude you could’ve had a bright future as an employee at the DMV.” [Xander]

10. 10 What’s My Line, Part Two: Mysterious girl turns out to be Kendra the Vampire Slayer that was Chosen when Buffy died at the end of S01. Oz gets shot saving Willow, and Spike gets crippled during a fight with the gang. (His luck only goes downhill from here, poor thing.)

9. 08 The Dark Age: Jenny Calendar and Giles are finally starting to get close and even dating a little bit when Ethan Rayne shows back up with a demon from Giles’ dark days in tow. The demon possesses Jenny and she pulls back from her and Giles’ relationship, which is only one the saddest things ever.

8. 03 School Hard: We meet Spike and his crazy lover Drusilla for the first time during parent-teacher night at school. Buffy takes charge and her mother Joyce sees just a glimpse of who her little girl really is. (Fun fact about Spike: He was supposed to be killed off in S02, but the writers, producers and fans liked him so much they kept him on and in S04 he finally became a regular until the end of the series.)

7. 15 Phases: Oz turns into a werewolf for the first time, and Willow’s totally cool with it. Like a boss. “Well, I like you. You’re nice and you’re funny. And you don’t smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but that’s not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month I’m not much fun to be around either.” [Willow]

6. 19 I Only Have Eyes for You: The spirits of lovers past who died at Sunnydale High come back and haunt the students, eventually inhabiting Buffy and Angel and allowing the dead spirits to reconcile and find peace all while eerily resembling B+A’s current situation. If you don’t cry during this episode, you‘re a robot. “Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend’s gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.” [Buffy]

5. 13 Surprise: Buffy and Angel get frisky after a big fight, Angel gets set on the path to lose his soul, the fandom has a collective heart attack.

4. 14 Innocence: The initial aftermath of Angel reverting back into Angelus (his soulless alter-ego). Buffy doesn’t understand until late in the episode what happened, and by then your blankets are already soaked in tears and your voice is gone from screaming at the TV. “You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I’d known how easily you’d give it up, I wouldn’t have even bothered.” [Angelus]

3. 21 Becoming, Part One: The set-up to the gut-wrenching, heart-shattering, world-ending season finale. “Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does.”[Whistler]

2. 17 Passion: The death of our beloved Jenny Calendar. Always be prepared and have a box [or 20] of tissues handy. “I’m sorry, but let’s not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying ‘I told you so’ long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, ‘Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!’” [Xander]

1. 22 Becoming, Part Two: Buffy sacrifices a newly re-souled Angel; he already opened the gates to hell and the only way to close them was to kill the being that opened them to begin with. Your heart and soul will be crushed. Spike and Buffy team up for the first time, and Joyce finds out what Buffy is. “And I may lose more! The whole earth may be sucked into Hell, and you want my help ’cause your girlfriend’s a big ho? Well, let me take this opportunity to not care.” [Buffy]

SEASON THREE:

22. 11 Gingerbread: A witch hunt takes over the town thanks to some random demon that dresses itself up like two little kids. One of the witches turns herself into a rat (see S01E03 “The Witch”).

21. 01 Anne: Buffy ran away to Los Angeles after she killed a re-en-souled Angel in the S02 finale. Her friends have taken over her slayage duties, and she tries to live a normal life as best she can, while wallowing in her misery all alone.

20. 04 Beauty and the Beasts: An abusive dick with control issues starts to harm his girlfriend and Oz, the resident werewolf, is first on the list of suspects.

19. 03 Faith, Hope and Trick: Angel comes back from hell and we meet Faith: the new slayer that was Chosen after Kendra’s death.

18. 10 Amends: Angel is haunted by the First Evil who tries to convince him to kill himself. Buffy saves the day. I used to really love this episode, but the more I watch it the less impactful it becomes; it’s still very good but it doesn’t stand tall on its own the way some others do.

17. 16 Doppelgängland: Vengeance demon Anya does a spell-gone-wrong and brings Willow’s lesbian-vampire-Doppelgänger-from-an-alternate-universe to Sunnydale.

16. 13 The Zeppo: The Zeppo really hits home for a lot of folks and succeeds at what Joss does best; giving power to the little guy. This episode follows Xander as he’s shafted from the Scoobies (who all seem to have some power or other, while he just “gets in the way”) and gets himself into a mess of his own with some undead peers who decide to blow up the school. “You know, it’s not like I haven’t helped before. I’ve done some quality violence for these people.” [Xander]

15. 05 Homecoming: Cordelia and Buffy’s animosity is at an all-time high while they run against each other for Homecoming Queen. The Scoobies band together and set them up to ride in the limo alone together, which of course gets highjacked by demons. They end up coming to a mutual understanding and respect for the others’ world and kick some serious demon ass.

14. 07 Revelations: Faith gets a new Watcher and the Scoobies angrily learn about Angel’s return. “Excuse me, Mary Poppins, but you don’t seem to be listening.” [Faith]

13. 17 Enemies: A now-evil Faith and The Mayor decide to take Angel’s soul. Some good acting on his part and a demon that owes Giles a debt reveals Faiths true colors to the gang. “Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.” [Giles]

12. 15 Consequences: “Consequences” and “Bad Girls” kinda go hand-in-hand, but I had to choose which one I preferred. “Consequences” faces the aftermath of Faith having killed a human and trying to blame it on Buffy. Angel tries to get through to her and almost succeeds, but [Buffy’s] new watcher barges in and tries to cart her off to England to be put under a psychiatric hold of the Watchers’ Council. She escapes, and teams up with the bad guys instead.

11. 14 Bad Girls: Giles has just been fired from the Watchers’ Council and his stuffy replacement arrives. Faith drags Buffy into her world of reckless abandonment and carelessness that costs a human man his life. “I didn’t get this job because of my looks.” [Wesley]

10. 09 The Wish: Xander and Willow have made a mess of their relationships and Cordelia, viewing Buffy as the reason her life is in shambles, unknowingly asks vengeance demon Anya to create a world where Buffy had never come to Sunnydale. Alternate universe has: Xander and Willow as S&M vampires, Angel as a slave to the Master (Big Bad from S01), Giles and Oz fighting to protect the humans because Giles’ slayer never arrived in town, and trained soldier Buffy showing up to stake all her former-friends-now-vampires. Bad ass episode. “World is what it is. We fight, we die. Wishing doesn’t change that.” [AU Buffy]

9. 06 Band Candy: Cursed candy turns the town’s adults into teenagers so the vampires can steal children and sacrifice them to a demon. Also: Joyce and Giles bone. Repeatedly.

8. 08 Lovers Walk: A dumped Spike comes rollin’ back into Sunny-D and kidnaps Willow and Xander to help him perform a love spell on Drusilla. Tensions between Willow and Xander rise to an all-time high, and Cordy and Oz come to rescue them, only to see some smooches happening instead. Cordelia flees the scene, steps on some broken stairs, and falls through the floor of the abandoned warehouse, getting an iron rod through her stomach.  “She just left. She didn’t even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?” [Spike]

7. 18 Earshot: Buffy is infected with a demon’s blood that gives her the ability to read thoughts. She discovers her mother and Giles’ kinky secret. “I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. Huh.” [Oz]

6. 02 Dead Man’s Party: I really loved this episode. Buffy finally returns home to Sunnydale after months in Los Angeles with no communication with her friends or mother. She receives a cold welcome, and everyone’s emotions come crashing down during a party. This episode is the first time we really see her friends stand up to her and tell her she’s wrong. “Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it’s chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.” [Oz]

5. 12 Helpless: By far one of the best episodes of the entire series. A slayer’s 18^th birthday is chock full of trials by the Watchers’ Council – they remove her strength and let her fight a blood thirsty vampire as human. If she survives, she passes the test and if she fails… Well, she definitely doesn’t pass the test. This episode was the first of a few times where Buffy loses her faith and trust in Giles: the one person she should always be able to count on. When Giles interferes with the test and stands up to the council, they fire him for failing his test – for getting emotionally attached to his slayer. “In matters of tradition and protocol, I must answer to the Council. My role in this… was very specific. I was to administer the injections and to direct you to the old boardinghouse on Prescott Lane.” [Giles]

4. 21 Graduation Day, Part 1: The Mayor gets ready for his Ascension during Graduation. Anya helps out with the Scooby gang, and Faith poisons Angel with something that only a slayers blood can cure. Buffy and Faith fight, leaving Faith stabbed and in a coma. “I’m talking about watching my lover die. I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about and I don’t care.” [Buffy]

3. 19 Choices: Willow is kidnapped by Faith and The Mayor, and Buffy and Angel start to confront the choices they have ahead of them in their relationship and lives together. “So Faith was like, ‘I’m gonna beat you up,’ and I’m all, ‘I’m not afraid of you.’ And then she had the knife, which was less fun.” [Willow]

2. 20 The Prom: No synopsis. Just speech. “We have one more award to give out. Is Buffy Summers here tonight? Did she….um…This is actually a new category. First time ever. I guess there were a lot of write in ballots and the prom committee asked me to read this. ‘We’re not good friends. Most of us never found the time to get to know you. But that doesn’t mean we haven’t noticed you…’” [Jonathan] (ALSO: There will be another ranking coming soon with all the great BtVS speeches in order from less-best to most-best. Because really none of them were bad.)

1. 22 Graduation Day, Part 2: On the heels of that speech, where the students recognize how Buffy have saved them countless times, and how they’ve all assisted her and backed her up when she needed it, comes “Graduation Day, Part 2” where the student body is literally her backup, armed with crossbows, bombs, stakes and flaming arrows against the multitude of vampires working for The Mayor. …And then Buffy blows up the school. “Fire bad. Tree pretty.” [Buffy]

SEASON FOUR:

22. 02 Living Conditions: I hated the crazy roommate. I’m pretty sure she pissed me off more than she pissed off Buffy who actually had to spend the whole episode being told by her friends that she’s nuts and needs to chillax about it.

21. 18 Where the Wild Things Are: An entire episode of Buffy and her most boring boyfriend ever having raunchy sex and disturbing a spirit of a woman who used to torture children. Ugh.

20. 17 Superstar: I liked Jonathan enough, but an episode dedicated to an alternate reality where he’s the richest, most popular guy in Sunnydale was meh.

19. 05 Beer Bad: Buffy has been blown off by her one night stand, drinks beer that turns her into a cave-woman, and she helps burn down a bar. Best part about this episode was Willow’s balls. “Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly only to me. You’re unbelievable!” [Willow]

18. 01 The Freshman: Buffy is having a hard time figuring out the college thing, while Willow finally steps into her own and feels comfortable and confident, with possibly the most annoying vampire adversary on the show.

17. 14 Goodbye Iowa: Buffy discovers project 314 (how painful that I live in apartment 314 of my building), and Riley starts an unknowing detox after the fall of The Initiative. Apparently no one told him he was being given drugs to make him a good toy soldier.

16. 07 The Initiative: Riley punches Parker in the face. Spike is awesome.

15. 12 A New Man: Giles is turned into a demon by stupid Ethan Rayne and Spike is the only one to help him, while destroying the clutch on Giles’ car.

14. 13 The I in Team: After being sent on a mission intended to kill her, Buffy finally shows Dr. Walsh’s true colors to Riley and it’s awesome.

13. 03 The Harsh Light of Day: Spike has returned to Sunnydale and is searching for the Gem of Amara – a mystical gem that makes vampires invincible. Buffy, obviously, takes it from him and sends it off to Angel instead.

12. 11 Doomed: Buffy and Riley have just found out about the others’ slayerage and The Initiative. They come up on yet another apocalypse at the old High School, and Spike in a Hawaiian shirt teams up with the gang to help out.

11. 08 Pangs: Part one of the first crossover-episode between BUFFY and ANGEL that sets up the saddest episode of Angel possibly ever. That’s not actually true, there are two others that rival it, but “Pangs” deserves a very honorable mention for the ramifications it has on ANGEL.

10. 09 Something Blue: Willow does a spell that goes wrong blinding Giles, turning Xander into a literal demon magnet, and causing Buffy and Spike to get engaged. Such hilarity ensues that “Something Blue” is easily the funniest episode of the season.

9. 04 Fear Itself: 3-inch tall fear demon terrorizes the Scoobies on Halloween.

8. 19 New Moon Rising: Oz comes back to Sunnydale to break our hearts all over again, and Willow chooses to be with Tara instead of him. While we all grow to love Tara in the end…Oz.

7. 06 Wild at Heart: Veruca, a sexy ladywolf shows up and leads Oz astray. After we’ve all sobbed until we can sob no more, Oz leaves Sunnydale – and Willow – behind.

6. 15 The Year’s Girl (Part 1): Faith wakes from her coma and switches bodies with Buffy leaving you with a very confused and anxious pit in your stomach until the following episode.

5. 16 Who Are You? (Part 2): Buffy in Faiths’ body is kidnapped by the Watchers Council league of assassins, Faith in Buffy’s body sleeps with Riley and seduces Spike with some naughty words. That scene alone is enough to put this episode in the top 5 of the season. “Cause I can do anything I want, and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness? I mean, I could be rich. I could be famous. I could have anything… And you know why I don’t? [pause] Because it’s wrong.” [Faith-as-Buffy]

4. 20 The Yoko Factor (Finale Part 1): Angel visits Sunnydale to apologize to Buffy, and instead gets in a big ol’ fight with Riley. The worst part about this episode was the part where Angel didn’t pummel him until dead. Oh, and Giles gets drunk which is always nice. “Seriously? That’s a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he’s good, he’s all Mr. Billowy Coat King of Pain…” [Riley]

3. 10 Hush: One of the most inventive and challenging episodes BUFFY ever pulled off. Twenty-six minutes of TV, with not a single word of dialogue. No funny quips or jokes, just terrifying floating men (who evolved into The Whispermen, according to some Doctor Who theorists). “Can’t even shout, can’t even cry. The Gentlemen are coming by. Looking in windows, knocking on doors. They need to take seven and they might take yours. Can’t call to mom, can’t say a word. You’re gonna die screaming but you won’t be heard.”

2. 21 Primeval (Finale Part 2): While the Adam-Project 314-storyline needed major assistance in the creativity and Big-Bad-of-the-season departments, the way Buffy beat him was off the charts of awesome. Casting a spell to invoke the power of the first slayer, the Scoobies combined Willow’s magic, Giles’ intellect and Xander’s heart into Buffy’s body in order to kick Adam’s big, ugly behind. An incredibly powerful way of reminding the audience that even though this season wasn’t about the trials of the Scoobies altogether, they still serve as four parts to one whole. “Spike’s working for Adam?! After all we’ve done — Nah, I can’t even act surprised.” [Xander]

1. 22 Restless: The best dreamscape episode of television ever. The baddie of the season has been defeated, and the gang is all hanging out at B’s house watching a movie and relaxing. Fallen asleep, we explore each of their subconscious minds as they’re afflicted by the past, the present, the future, the first slayer, and the man with the cheese. “I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.” [Cheese Guy]

SEASON FIVE:

22. 01 Buffy vs Dracula: Buffy meets the famous Dracula, who turns Xander into his slave. Fine enough in theory, but a snoozer. You don’t miss anything important if you skip this episode.

21. 08 Shadow: Glory (the most hilarious Baddie ever) unleashes a huge snake-thing to find the “key” to her home dimension that has been placed under Buffy’s care. Fairly straight forward and not that interesting.

20. 09 Listening to Fear: An alien-but-not-alien demon attacks a brain tumor stricken Joyce in the Summers’ home. A quite unappealing episode, but Spike coming in to save the day and Buffy finally breaking down in the kitchen over her mom’s illness are really touching scenes.

19. 02 Real Me: Apparently, Buffy has a sister. No one knew, and here she is. This episode is spent getting to know the little brat since she was just thrown into the show five seasons in, yet was supposed to have been there all along. Until the audience finds out what her dealio is, however, we have to listen to her whine.

18. 04 Out of My Mind: Riley episode. Again. The Initiative screwed him over. Again. Blah, blah, blah. Bor-ring.

17. 17 Forever: After the most harrowing episode Buffy ever produced, we get “Forever.” It should have been great to have Angel back and see how the Scoobies deal with the recent tragedy, but this episode was a rather shocking disappointment after the stunning grace that came before it.

16. 11 Triangle: Anya and Willow refuse to get along because they both want to love and protect Xander from the other. They summon a troll accidentally – Anya’s ex, Olaf – and then have to work together to get rid of him. Hilarious, endearing, and sort of makes you love Anya even more.

15. 05 No Place Like Home: We finally found out what Dawn is and meet Glory for the first time. Overall, a decent episode to get the ball rolling in preparation for the remainder of what we thought was BtVS’s final season.

14. 15 I Was Made to Love You: An introduction to another pivotal character that not a single fan can defend. A great episode were Buffy meets Warren, a misogynistic nerd who built himself a robot girlfriend when he couldn’t find a real one. After a sad goodbye to the robot whose batteries died (who didn’t like April? Poor thing.) the episode ends with Spike demanding Warren building him a BuffyBot. Also: Tara and Anya bond. “She’s a sex bot. I mean, what guy doesn’t dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything. (He gets strange looks from the group.) Too many girls. I miss Oz. He’d get it. He wouldn’t say anything, but he’d get it.” [Xander]

13. 03 The Replacement: Xander is hit by some demony-thinga-mabob and is split in two – his strengths and his weaknesses. A great episode until you find out Nicholas Brendan’s real life twin Kelly Donovan played his Buffy-life twin, and then it’s even better.

12. 10 Into the Woods: Riley leaves. Poor Buffy, but Riley leaves! Ding dong, the wicked Soldier is gone.

11. 13 Blood Ties: Dawn finally founds out she’s The Key and runs away to the hospital. While Dawn herself is frustrating and annoying as usual, Buffy shares a great moment with her at the end of the episode.

10. 14 Crush: Spike confesses to Buffy – after he kidnaps her and chains her up under his crypt – that he’s in love with her. Mixed signals? A little bit. But Buffy’s signal is quite clear when she has Willow revoke Spike’s invitation into her home, leaving him locked outside as she shuts the door in his face. “What part of me punching you in the face did you not understand?” [Buffy]

9. 19 Tough Love: Tara and Willow have their first big fight, and Glory in realizing that Tara is the newest member of the gang, attacks her thinking that she’s The Key. Glory sucks out Tara’s brain leaving her a vegetable, and the episode ends with Tara unknowingly revealing to Glory that Dawn is The Key she’s been searching for.

8. 20 Spiral: Buffy and the Scoobies flee Sunnydale in an effort to hide from Glory, but an ancient order of Knights comes after them to kill Dawn and prevent Glory’s apocalypse.

7. 06 Family: Tara’s family swings into town to take her back home before she turns into a demon like the rest of the women in her family… Of course, they’re women-hating bastards like Warren, and the demon-thing is just a story told to keep the women from straying too far. Buffy and the crew put themselves between Tara and her nasty family and threaten them, finally making Tara feel like she really is one of the gang. “There’s no demon in there. It’s just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line? You’re a piece of work. I like you.” [Spike]

6. 07 Fool for Love: Easily one of the best episode of the season. After getting her butt handed to her and sustaining a wound to the abdomen, Buffy employs Spike to tell her the stories of how he murdered two slayers. After profoundly pissing him off, Spike arrives at Buffy’s house with a shotgun to finish her off. Meanwhile, Joyce’s sickness worsens and the episode ends with Spike comforting a crying Buffy instead.

5. 21 Weight of the World: Many people disliked “Weight of the World” citing that it was a filler episode because the writers must have forgotten they were supposed to do 22 episode total. I, however, do not agree. After Glory has kidnapped Dawn, Buffy goes into a catatonic state and Willow has to enter her subconscious and force her to come back to take care of business. We finally get to see just a tad of what goes on inside her head, while the world keeps on turning and time is still being wasted outside.

4. 18 Intervention: We finally meet the BuffyBot Spike…commissioned. After Glory’s minions attack and the Bot protects Spike, Glory has him kidnapped thinking he must be the key since the “slayer” protected him above all the others. The real Buffy has gone on a spirit journey in the desert however, and the First Slayer reveals to her that “Death is [her] gift.” The episode ends with Buffy playing as the BuffyBot to determine if Spike gave up The Key’s true identity during his torture – which he did not. “Because Buffy — the other, not-so-pleasant Buffy… anything happened to Dawn, it’d destroy her, and I couldn’t live with her being in that much pain. I’d let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.” [Spike]

3. 12 Checkpoint: I’m such a sucker for Watchers’ Council episodes. The whole two of ‘em, anyway. The council shows up to interview Buffy and her friends and determine if they are worthy of receiving the information the council has gathered on what Glory is, where she came from, and what The Key is. The climax of the episode has Buffy telling the council to shove it because she’s all they’ve got, and the information is hers whether they like it or not. The council reveals that Glory isn’t a demon; she’s a God. “No review. No interrogation. No questions you know I can’t answer. No hoops. No jumps. (Nigel is about to speak.) No interruptions. See, I’ve had a lot of people talking at me in the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I’ve finally figured out why: power.” [Buffy]

2. 22 The Gift: Deciding between “The Gift” and “The Body” was the most agonizing decision I’ve made thus far, because they’re both such beautifully crafted, heart-straining episode. Alas, the 100^th episode and [first] series finale had to come in second. The final battle between Glory and Buffy is upon them, and the only way to save the world is for Buffy to sacrifice herself. The ending shot of Buffy’s tombstone is enough to make anyone cry. “She saved the world. A lot.”

1. 16 The Body: There aren’t enough words in the English language to describe how this episode tore into our souls. Buffy has come to find her newly recovered mother dead on the sofa. An episode full of long, panning shots, minimal editing and not a single scrap of music, “The Body”was an agonizing 42-minutes of quiet sobs for every fan. “But I don’t understand! I don’t understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she’s– there’s just a body…and no one will explain to me why.” [Anya]

SEASON SIX:

21. 11 Gone: Buffy is turned invisible and spends the episode being mischievous. That’s totally fine and cool… Except for the part where the episode was boring.

20. 04 Flooded: And this bad boy was not much better. We meet “The Trio” – a gang of nerds we’ve met previously: Jonathan, Warren and Andrew – who decide to become evil and take over Sunnydale, and that’s about all that happens in this waste of time.

19. 14 Older and Far Away: Buffy’s birthday where she and all her friends are trapped in a house by an old vengeance demon pal of Anya’s. Best part about this episode was Tara’s under-the-table quips at Spike about him and Buffy and their secret love affair.

18. 15 As You Were: Riley returns with his annoying as hell wife. The last scene of Buffy breaking Spike’s heart telling him they can’t sleep together anymore and apologizing was so effing sad.

17. 12 Doublemeat Palace: Buffy gets a job at a fast food restaurant in order to help pay bills that are piling up at home; a phallic demon that comes out of an old lady’s head and some creepy employees were not enough to rank this episode any higher. Frankly, I think being #17 is still too generous.

16. 16 Hell’s Bells: Anya and Xander’s wedding, where a demon set on destroying Anya’s life shows Xander a fake future where he and Anya are miserable. Xander subsequently leaves Anya at the altar and the episode ends with her reverting back into a vengeance demon.

15. 06 All the Way: The season’s Halloween episode where Xander and Anya reveal their engagement and Dawn sneaks off with a boy she didn’t know was a vampire. Instead of dealing with it herself, Buffy pushes it off on Giles to discipline her afterward.

14. 10 Wrecked: After Tara leaves her for her budding addiction to magic, a high Willow goes so far as to get her and Dawn into a car accident while they ran away from a demon that was of her own creation. Willow decides to quite magic cold turkey after seeing what she’s done to her friends.

13. 01/02 Bargaining: The two-part episode that brings Buffy back from the dead, was fairly lackluster in comparison to what it could have been. Most touching scene in this hour and a half long mess, was Spike seeing Buffy for the first time and realizing she had to crawl her way out of the grave.

12. 20 Villains: Willow is out of control with grief and rage. She hunts down Warren, the nerd responsible for Tara’s shocking death, and skins him alive.

11. 05 Life Serial: Buffy, struggling to adjust to normal life, is plagued by The Trio in her every venture, destroying her plans one at a time. Redeeming scene: Spike gets Buffy drunk.

10. 21 Two to Go (Finale, Part 1): Dark Willow and Buffy go toe-to-toe while Buffy tries to protect the remaining Duo from the former good-witch. Giles comes back to stop Willow using a gift from a powerful coven of witches, “the true essence of magic.”

9. 22 Grave (Finale, Part 2): Giles and Willow have a magical battle, but Willow drains his power and sets off to raise an ancient Goddess to destroy the world because there’s too much pain and suffering. In a nice turn of events, Xander is the one to save the day by bringing Willow back from the edge. Also: Spike gets his soul back.

8. 09 Smashed: Spike founds out that the chip The Initiative planted in his head to stop his from harming humans doesn’t work on Buffy 3.0, and in the final battle scene they have such raunchy sex that it literally brings the house down. Willow turns the rat-witch from S02 back into a human so she has a friend to do magic with.

7. 03 After Life: Episode was boring, but the finale scene was enough to rank it so high. Buffy reveals to Spike that she was not in a hell dimension like her friends thought, but that she was at peace in what she thought was heaven. She begs him to never let them find out what they did, and you beg Joss Whedon to stop breaking your heart into a zillion little pieces.

6. 08 Tabula Rasa: The funniest episode. Willow uses a spell to erase Tara’s memory of their fights about her magic use, and the spell backfires erasing the entire gang’s memory. Everyone wakes up not knowing who – or what – they are (ie, Spike thinking Giles is his dad. LOL WAT?). The episode ends with Giles revealing that he’s returning to England, and Tara dumps Willow for beinga manipulative butthead. “Randy Giles? Why not just call me Horny Giles? Or Desperate-For-A-Shag Giles? I knew there was a reason I hated you.” [Spike]

5. 13 Dead Things: The Trio accidentally murders Warren’s ex-girlfriend, then conjures time-altering demons to trick Buffy into thinking she caused the girl’s death. When Buffy goes to the police station to turn herself in, she pummels Spike half to death (oh, the irony) because he doesn’t understand why she’s so upset over killing someone. While we all hate to see the Buffster cry, it’s always a nice reminder that she struggles with keeping separate her demonic duties from the real world laws.

4. 18 Entropy: Woof. This episode. The Scoobies discover that The Trio has been watching them through hidden cameras in their homes and at their work. Both dumped and heartbroken, Anya and Spike get it on at her magic shop, while The Scoobies crack the surveillance system at home and end up catching the entire glorious show. Spike tells everyone that he and Buffy used to be naked-friends, and everything goes to hell. Happy ending, though: Willow and Tara get back together! “I’m not joking now. You let that evil, soulless thing touch you. You wanted me to feel something? Congratulations, it worked. I look at you, and I feel sick ‘cause you had sex with that.” [Xander]

3. 17 Normal Again: A lot of fans really disliked this episode, but for me it was one of the best in the entire series. Buffy is infected by a demon and started to hallucinate about her life: in reality she’s a slayer who fights demons and monsters, but in her hallucinations she’s a sick girl in a mental institution. The further we get into the episode, the more Buffy believes she really is a sick girl in an asylum, and she tries to murder her friends in order to cut ties with her “delusion” and re-enter the “real world.” While we know that isn’t the case, for just a brief moment you actually want sick Buffy to be ok and you find yourself wondering, “What if that’s actually what’s happening?” It’s a shockingly real episode for a show that’s rooted in imagination.

2. 19 Seeing Red: This episode would absolutely be ranked #1 had the musical episode not happened. “Seeing Red” ripped you to shreds a thousand times over. Willow and Tara have finally gotten back together, Buffy goes after The Trio and takes them [mostly] down, and Spike tries to rape an injured Buffy in her own home.  Buffy gets shot. Tara gets shot and dies. This episode was a cruel, vicious reminder of mortality in watching one of our favorite characters die, setting off Dark Willow as she cries to Osiris to bring her lover back. It was also a wake-up call to the audience: we might love Spike for all he’s worth… But he’s still evil, he’s still soulless, and he’s still got a long road ahead of him until his compass points anywhere near true-north.

1. 07 Once More, With Feeling: Does anything really need to be said about this episode? It gave us everything we wanted for the entire season. It gave us Tara finding out about Willow’s memory-altering spell, Giles admitting that it’s time for him to leave Sunnydale behind, Spike and Buffy gettin’ with the smooches, and Buffy confessing to her friends that they pulled her out of heaven. Not to mention there were songs and dancing, which makes everything a billion times better. “That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn’t see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps.” [Giles]

SEASON SEVEN:

22. 06 Him: What was this episode and why did it happen? Seems like the writing staff were trying so hard to make a call-back episode to Buffy’s years in high school and something that would have happened to her, but this episode was all wrong and very out of place. The final season of the show, the stakes are higher than ever before, and we get a boy whose Varsity jacket is cursed with a love spell. Maybe in S01 or S02 that would have been fun, but not S07.

21. 14 First Date: Because we needed yet another filler episode in this season? “First Date” was utterly pointless other than to show the animosity between Robin Wood and Spike and to give the audience the knowledge of who Principal Wood really is… And who Spike is to him.

20. 01 Lessons: This episode was fairly forgetful. As a season premiere it was lackluster and introducing us to the new high school didn’t leave quite the impact that I think the writers intended.

19. 09 Never Leave Me: Buffy holds Spike and a newly returned Andrew hostage while trying to figure out what’s toying with Spike’s chip and brain. Not great, but not horrible. Did get some juicy Spuffy, though! “Apparently, I just slaughtered half of Sunnydale, pet. I’m not really worried about being polite anymore.” [Spike]

18. 03 Same Time, Same Place: Bringing Willow back after her murder spree was going to be a challenge either way. We all want to understand and forgive her, but how do we accept her back into our lives right off the bat? By shifting her into an alternate dimension for a day, apparently. It also served a little indication that Willow is much more powerful that we knew, even after her little trip to the Dark Side.

17. 08 Sleeper: Spike is a sleeper agent of the Big Bad, who has figured out a way to turn the chip off and set him loose on Sunny-D to eat, maim and kill lots of fine folks. Also, Giles is potentially dead?

16. 10 Bring on the Night: We meet an original, fully demonic vampire – not like the half-human ones we’ve grown accustomed to over the last seven years. (Apparently that’s a thing. Way to tell us in the last season of the show, guys.) Giles shows up with a few “potential slayers”; girls that were chosen to be possibly Chosen in the wake of the slayers’ demise. (PS, how does that work since Buffy has already died? Was she no longer considered “the” slayer after Death #1? Is Faith “the” slayer and since she’s alive no one has needed to be called? If not, there should have been a third slayer after B’s death in S05.)

15. 02 Beneath You: Ranked so high because of the final scene where Spike goes bonkers and tells Buffy he’s got his soul back. Touching, and horribly sad when Buffy decodes his crazy-talk and figures out what happened.

14. 21 End of Days: For the first time in five seasons, Buffy and Faith find common ground, realizing that they together will have to share the burden of being The Slayer, and that no one else could ever understand that loneliness. It was a moment that I feel the fans were owed after everything these two went through, regardless of my personal feelings towards Faith. Also, Angel comes back to bring Buffy a little present. Worst part of the episode: Apparently there’s been a coven of ancient women watching the Watchers since the dawn of the Slayer. Why did it taken seven seasons for this revelation? “I’m looking at you, everything you have, and, I don’t know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody’s looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.” [Faith]

13. 11 Showtime: While the meat of the episode was so-so, I was a big fan of Anya and Giles’ trip to the Beljoxa’s Eye: an oracle demon who tells them that The First Evil is back because there was a falter in the slayer’s line. Giles figures out that it wasn’t because Buffy died that the First Evil was able to gain control, but because she lives – again. Yet another slap in the face to the Scoobies that were only trying to save their friend.

12. 15 Get It Done: After all these years watching Buffy save the world with all her strength and knowing that she was the chosen one, we finally get to know how it came to be. “Get It Done” took us to another dimension, suspended in time, that revealed when and how the First Slayer was made. The Three Shadow Men tell Buffy that she is the last protector of the Hellmouth, and try to infuse her with more of the same demonic energy that they initially cursed the First Slayer with. Buffy wasn’t down with it, chose to kick their shadowy asses instead, and the Shadow Men give her a vision of the Hellmouth in return. This episode also marks the first time in a long time where Buffy is starting to be doubted by her friends. “The First Slayer was right. It isn’t enough.” [Buffy]

11. 16 Storyteller: This episode was surprisingly not my favorite. I say surprisingly, because I love Tom Lenk and moreover, Andrew Wells. It was some much needed light in an otherwise gloomy and dark winding up of the finale season; this episode brought in some great humor and jovialness that was much needed. That being said, I wanted to like the episode a lot more than I actually did, as it followed Andrew around as he tried to document the Sunnydale Situation and twists events into better “storytelling” for the camera. The episode ends with Andrew begging Buffy’s forgiveness for murdering Jonathan, his best friend. “She’s like a woman fighting for more than life. She fights like fighting is her life. It is the air she breathes, and she knows she will win because there is no alternative.” [Andrew]

10. 20 Touched: The Scoobies sans Buffy kidnap a minion of the First and cast a spell in which he speaks through Andrew, taunting their inevitable failure and deaths. Spike and Andrew return from a mission, and upon seeing that Buffy has been exiled from her own house, he spits on the Scoobies, starts a fight with Faith and leaves to find Buffy. They have a super sweet, super sappy moment when he gives her a big speech about how he loves her and she’s always been a strength to admire. “I’ve seen your kindness, and your strength, I’ve seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a hell of a woman.” [Spike]

9. 18 Dirty Girls: Not much need to be said about “Dirty Girls.” There’s Nathan Fillion as a hell-preacher named Caleb who can kick the snot outa Buffy, Faith comes back and bonds with Spike, and Xander loses an eye. One of the most horribly great episodes we’ve had in the shows entire run. “You’re protecting vampires? Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?” [Faith]

8. 17 Lies My Parents Told Me: Spike and Robin Wood come head to head in this intense, beautiful 42-minute pieces of art. Spike’s trigger from the First is finally exposed as a torment from his past and he and Wood have it out in a shed lined with crosses and brass knuckles. Spike leaves Wood alive after a brutal fight, declaring, “You see, unlike you, I had a mother who loved me back…I was her world.”

7. 12 Potential: Xander’s speech and seeing how Dawn is finally a character in the show, and not just Buffy’s annoying kid sister. “Seven years, Dawn. Working with the Slayer. Seeing my friends get more and more powerful…I see more than anybody realizes because nobody’s watching me. I saw you last night. I see you working here today. You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.” [Xander]

6. 05 Selfless: This episode was very disturbing on a multitude of levels. Anya, a vengeance demon, finds out that she’s being talked about by her demon friends for going soft and not creating the havoc and horror she once did. Her response is to kill an entire fraternity. Buffy upon finding out what’s happened admits that this leaves her no choice and that she has to do her job – she has to kill Anya. The episode ends with Anya’s boss reversing the damage to the frat at the cost of Anya’s BFF’s life. “Behold D’Hoffryn, Lord of Arashmaha, he that turns the air to blood and reigns te – Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?” [D’Hoffryn]

5. 04 Help: How quickly us fans get attached to characters. After only one episode, we still mourn the loss of high school clairvoyant Cassie who foresaw her own death. Another grounding episode and one of the few deaths Buffy couldn’t stop. Relatable teen Cassie saw her death, but not how it happened: from a heart defect. “There’s a lot of stuff I’d like to do. I’d love to ice skate at Rockefeller Center. And I’d love to see my cousins grow up and see how they turn out, ’cause they’re really mean, and I think they’re gonna be fat.” [Cassie]

4. 13 The Killer in Me: This episode broke my heart, and will continue to break my heart every time I watch it. While the audience grits and bares the atrocity that is Kennedy, “The Killer in Me” gave us yet one last time to grieve Tara’s loss with Willow. An old frenemy casts a spell that causes Willow to physically turn into Warren after her first kiss with Kennedy. While trying to find a way to reverse the spell, she starts to actually become Warren. Willow barges into the backyard where Warren shot Tara, and she falls to her knees confessing that she let go of Tara by kissing Kennedy. She begs for forgiveness from her dead lover. Meanwhile, Buffy and Spike go on a mission to get the chip in his brain fixed when they realize it’s killing him. Buffy is given a choice: repair it, or remove it. She chooses the latter. “He indicated you might be needing our assistance. We’re to provide you anything you need to help with…assface here. Those were his exact words, ma’am.” [Initiative General]

3. 19 Empty Places: All her years of saving the world, her deaths, her sacrifices, her isolation and her self-involved speeches. It all comes down to this: “You really do think you’re better than we are. But we don’t know…You didn’t work for it. You’ve never had anybody come up to you and say that you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn’t make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.” [Anya]

2. 07 Conversations with Deal People: This episode. Was everything. The Scoobies are split up doing their own things, and in a single night all their worlds change. Buffy meets a boy she went to high school with who became a psychologist and then was turned into a vampire. Dawn is attacked in her home by a demon wearing her mother’s face. Willow is visited by Cassie… Or something that looks like Cassie, bringing a fake message from Tara encouraging her to kill herself. A brilliant episode that prepares us for the upcoming battle from early on in the season.

1. 22 Chosen: Was this the most epic episode ever? I didn’t think so. Comparing the two series finales (S05 + S07), I’d absolutely say that S05’s “The Gift” takes the cake… However, Joss Whedon was given the chance to do something extraordinary – to give his show two series finales, and he did them both perfectly. In the first, Whedon did what we expected and needed: he had Buffy sacrifice her life. She was The Chosen One, she alone would fight against the forces of darkness and she did. But in “Chosen,” he gave her what she needed from the beginning – to not be alone. He changed mythology and legacy to break the line of The Chosen One and make it the line of The Chosen All. Every potential slayer would be a slayer from there on out, and It. Was. Beautiful. Willow conquered her fear, Spike earned his redemption, Faith was given a place in the world, and Xander proved one last time, that he was the heart and soul of the Scoobies. “In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rule.” [Buffy]

My heart seems to still be in tact momentarily, so here is Part 3: Ranking of the Top 7 Episodes!

*Fun Fact: Only one death of a big character happened from supernatural causes. Joyce died of a brain tumor, Tara of a gunshot wound, Cassie from a heart defect. Jenny Calendar was the only one who died from getting her neck snapped [by Angelus].

It’s getting to be that time of year when I re-watch my baby beginning to end. I’ve also been dying to do a BtVS ranking FOR. EVER. so here it is. Buzzfeed has already completed a full ranking of all the episodes but I refuse to do the same because it may give me a hernia, so instead I’m ranking BUFFY in three separate posts: by Season, then by Episodes-per-Season, then Top-Episodes. Please leave your hate mail at the door, ’cause this is gonna be sooper ruff.

Season 8 Comic Art

7. FOUR. Oh my god, four. The worst season of any television show ever. Creator Joss Whedon was trying to help BtVS find its legs after the loss of Angel and Cordelia and with the gang moving onto college and growing up. In experimenting with some new things he also did some very bad things that we should forget forever. A few heart breaking episodes and a few terrific stand alone episodes, but mostly horrendous ones, BtVS S04 was traumatizing for all us faithful, loyal fanatics.

6. ONE. The premier season of BtVS was a mere 12 episodes of campy lines and atrocious effects, but it was also the introduction season to a show that would become one of the biggest cult phenomena’s TV has ever seen.

5. SIX. A lot of folks will argue this was one of the best seasons, but I’m fairly torn about it. It had some great moments, and I won’t even try to deny that seeing James Marsters shirtless every other episode wasn’t dazzling, but as far as storytelling goes, the magic-addiction and end of season deaths were too much in all the wrong ways.

4. THREE. Not a Faith fan. She was not the worst character we saw on the show (hello, Dawn!) but she got real old real fast. Her attitude, her actress, her everything. But, The Mayor.

3. SEVEN. I know, I know, I know. Most everyone hated S07, but I quite enjoyed it. After all the hard work, dedication, loyalty and love she’s protected the world with for the past seven years, we finally saw her fall from favor and for just a moment – just a brief, fleeting moment – give up. The girl who was nothing but strong over the years; sacrificing the love of her life for the greater good; the girl who died twice; the girl who saved everyone how many times… If Whedon hadn’t humanized her enough through all her trials since Sunnydale High, watching our girl finally give up and say, “No more” for a single episode really hurt.

2. TWO. It pains me to choose between S02 and S05, but alas, such is the job. Season Two was brilliant. The pain and inevitable suffering we the fans endured along with our heroine as Angel ruined all our lives was not without its saving grace: Season Two solidified that we would be with Buffy until the end, standing by her side and fighting with her. Season Two brought us our favorite psychotic duo Spike and Drusilla, and made us grieve the loss of fan favorite Jenny Calendar. Season Two broke our hearts over and over again.

1. FIVE. Anyone who doesn’t believe S05 to be the strongest, most interesting and heartbreaking season of show did not watch the same BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER that I did. There are so many things to say about season 5, that I couldn’t possibly list them all without my head exploding so let’s go with: Spike, Glory, JOYCE, Buffy Bot, The Watchers Council, The Doc, TARA, and Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Season Five was perfect.

Rankings were designed to test our allegiance, devotion, endurance, strength and ability to weed out the weak. In other words: they suck and I hate them. Stay tuned for the next installment of “Ways to Make Your Soul Hurt.”

I do not like Angelina Jolie, but when I say she was the best part of this 97-minute Disney flick, I mean that with the utmost respect and complimentary intentions. I went into this movie really hoping that it would change my opinion about SLEEPING BEAUTY and make me love Maleficent the way everyone else seemed to. Instead, the movie made me wonder what in the hell the studio was thinking. In an effort to make the audience empathize with one of the most infamous Disney villains of all time, they changed the [Disney] story of Sleeping Beauty* altogether, and made an arguably strong female villain, into a horrible depiction of a spurned woman. Thus, the critique that follows is that of an angry feminist, because there is no other way for me to express my rage at this atrocity.

Before I start on my rant, let me a say a few brief words about the rest of the film. The SFX were acceptable. I keep reminding myself that this is a Disney movie that was designed, marketed and made for children, and that I shouldn’t be too critical of the choice of magical creatures created or how fake the CGI** was, but I can’t seem to get past it. I wanted something darker and grittier – Maleficent was a villain – but somehow the fairies and all the other “dark” creatures were just so absurdly comical and obviously fake that I don’t think I ever really fully invested in the story; my disbelief was not, and could not be, suspended.

In addition, while the majority of the writing and dialogue was average, some was absolutely horrid. There were lines (about the begging, for example. Something about, “You’re begging. I like it when you do that.” or some such silly nonsense) that made my skin crawl because they were so overwritten and utterly ridiculous (so much so that not even a child in the ideal marketing demographic would have enjoyed them). But on the other hand, there were a few really great lines too, and Jolie had some wonderful dry humor-moments. For instance when she looked down at baby Aurora and hissed and the child just giggled and cooed. Maleficent snapped back with a sharp, “I hate you.” and it was so hilarious and endearing that you almost forgave all the bad lines (of which there were quite a few).

The minimal positive qualities were really limited to one: Diaval, Maleficent’s sidekick. While he didn’t get the screen time I wished he had, nor the ending (I was totally rooting for him to be Prince Charming) his comic relief and acting as Maleficent’s good conscience was quite lovely throughout the entirety of the film.

But really, the only other good thing I have to say about this film is that Jolie did a particularly good job for what she was given to work with. She made Maleficent likeable and funny, and really made us connect with an otherwise horribly conceived character. She not only looked the part and had the calm, cool and collected attitude to really chill someone to the bone, even when she was angry and dark, Jolie was really able to get Maleficent’s vulnerability across which is something I haven’t seen her do successfully, maybe ever. (…Also, that opinion may be a little tainted because I truly can’t stand the woman.)

And now the femirant begins. The premise of this film – of Maleficent’s origin – is that she fell in love with a poor boy, and at 16 he gave her “true love’s kiss.” That boy then went to work in the castle and upon the kings’ deathbed, he decreed that the person who brought him Maleficent’s wings would be named his successor. In turn that boy, Stefan, returned to Maleficent, manipulated her, cut off her wings and then became king. Maleficent grew vengeful and hateful at the betrayal and on the day of Aurora’s introduction and celebration of birth, Maleficent cursed her that she would fall into a deep sleep on her 16^th birthday only to be awoken by true love’s kiss.

Thus, Aurora was carted off to live with the three most annoying fairies anyone could have ever designed, and Maleficent began to watch over her while she grew up. Even through her hate and rage at Stefan, she grew to love and harbor affection for the sweet natured Aurora, and when the curse fell upon her, it was Maleficent’s kiss that woke her, not Prince Phillip’s (who I’m pretty sure was one of the boys from One Direction. That hipster hair was the worst.)

In theory, this all sounds like a very touching tale of darkness and redemption, but looking at it clearly it’s a story of a woman scorned by a man whose only path back from evil was through motherly affection for a young girl. Maleficient, at the betrayal of her true love (however rightly so: this dude physically abused her and gave a whole new meaning to “domestic violence” by mutilating the poor woman) pushed her so far down the path of retribution that she would curse a baby using the same words that solidified her trust in that man to begin with.

However, after getting to know this little girl and learning to love her as a daughter, Maleficent sees the error of her ways – her maternal instinct is too strong and she tries to lift the curse (to no avail because evil Maleficent was apparently more cunning than good Maleficent). In fact, Maleficent’s love apparently grows so strong that it becomes “true love” and she is the one to break her own curse, waking Aurora from her sleep.

It could be argued that it wasn’t about a spiteful woman enacting revenge, but about love between women, and I would be more than willing to accept that… Had the message that maternal instinct is what saves women from a path of evil not been so apparent. A man hurts her, and the only way for her to get back on track to being a “hero” and beloved by all the magical creatures is by being a mother to a girl – that was not unlike herself when she was a child. Disney tried so badly to make Maleficent into an empathetic character that in twisting her story of descent into something that could be restored in the end, they [un]intentionally sent a horrible message about women.

While I do believe that the story was written this way to ensure a family-friendly atmosphere (true love is always good for that), there must have been a better alternative. What if Stefan had been her brother and traded her in for the human world? Or what if she had traded him in for the magical one? What if it wasn’t Stefan at all, but the nameless and absent queen? What if they were sisters – or best friends – and one betrayed the other? Disney had to make Maleficent’s actions worthy of the crime, and moreover, the crime worthy of the reaction, but the way in they mapped out her story to be recouped in the end was all wrong. The man-hate-only-forgivable-by-maternal-sentiment was the weakest link in the entire film, which was not very strong to begin with.

Unfortunately for Disney, their first live-action Villain story left so much to be desired, that one can only hope they will learn their lesson if they ever decided to reinvent Ursula, Jafar or The Evil Queen and give them more substance than merely wicked, gender-specific trials and tribulations.

*In the original story of Sleeping Beauty, Aurora was cursed for 100 years and in that century her “Prince Charming” found her, raped her, and in her sleep she gave birth to twins. Only after all that horror did she wake up.

**The CGI wasn’t great, but the dragon was awesome. Then you stop and realize that Maleficent wasn’t the one to turn into the dragon in this version, and it’s suddenly less awesome.