In the recent weeks since coddling my broken heart post-annual-Buffython, I’ve marathoned LUTHER, tried again unsuccessfully to get into ROBIN HOOD, got through HEMLOCK GROVE (and totally fell off the bandwagon because WTF is that show?!), caught up with TRUE BLOOD (still not sure why. I was a season behind and it should have stayed that way), watched the first season of this generations CHARMED – also known as WITCHES OF EAST END, rewatched quite a few 90’s and early 2000 teen films to take a break from TV, and am now addicted to Tim Roth’s cancelled LIE TO ME.

LIE TO ME follows a group of scientists that study universal micro-expressions to determine if someone is telling the truth.

Of course, I’ve done a few other things with my life in the past few months too. I’ve slept a little, eaten from time to time, and occasionally even showered. But mostly I’ve come to the shocking and slightly disappointing realization that marathoning TV has ruined my life.

TRUE BLOOD knew it was going down the toilet, so they bribed their female and homo viewers into staying until the end.

When I find a good show that I get truly invested in it becomes all I think about. I’ll cancel plans with friends because why would I spend time with them when I can obsess about Freya’s choice between brothers Killian and Dash? Or wonder how it took so long for there be a sex scene between Eric and Jason in the seven seasons of HBO’s soft-core vampire porno. These shows become the most important friends I have, and all others in my life will take second, third or fourth place when necessary. I’ll even avoid my daily phone call with my mom (who’s my favorite person in the entire world) if it means that I have to resurface from Peter and Roman’s [b]romance (because OMG they’re so gay for each other it hurts).

Even now, as I sit here and bitch and moan about how marathoning TV has taken over my life, the majority of my brain is still wondering if Cal and Gillian are ever going to admit they’re meant to be. (Sidenote: every actor ever has guest-starred on LIE TO ME. Like, for serious.)

Nassau, New Providence Island. 1715. One guess what BLACK SAILS is about.

Unfortunately, the worst (read: BEST) part about marathoning TV is that the list doesn’t ever end. Somewhere in life I’m going to finish BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BLACK SAILS and HANNIBAL, and if-and-when I ever catch up with those bad boys I’ll finally get to AMERICAN HORROR STORY, VIKINGS, DOMINION, ORPHAN BLACK and TRUE DETECTIVE, though not necessarily in that order. Of course, this is theoretically in addition to all the currently airing [summer] shows I try to keep up with as well like SUITS, COVERT AFFAIRS, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and practically every ABC Family show ever. (I see your judging eyes. ABCF is the shit. Sorry, not sorry.)

The moral of this short and distracted story is: Marathoning TV has ruined my life.

And with that, off I go again. Later, haterz.

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  1. I agree with your general sentiment, with one caveat: marathoning mediocre TV ruins lives. 😉

    Lie to Me? Latter-Day True Blood (though I’d argue the show has found some sort of weird momentum from about 7×3 on)? Robin Hood? Witches of East End? Hemlock Grove?! You’re complaining about them as you even watch them. A perplexing form of masochism.

    You can do better. Just consult your to-do lists.

  2. Lie to Me was actually pretty ok! Mostly because Tim Roth is a boss.

    I have no idea what’s happening to True Blood. The last two episodes have been complete wastes. They should have just made a 2-hour long special and been done with it. Robin Hood has a great cast that I really wanted to get into, but it was too cheesy so I gave up, Witches of East End is entertaining enough so I’m soldiering on, and Hemlock Grove I didn’t realize was THAT ridiculous until after I’d finished and was reflecting on the 2 weeks of my life I had just wasted.

    I tried to watch American Horror Story, too. Gave up in the middle of episode 2.

    I’ve finally decided to take the plunge and finally get through Battlestar Galactica beginning to end. I started it a year ago but just decided it was time to finish it.

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