The Femmes all had fairly specific answers, albeit not always imaginative ones. We got Wonder Woman, Jean Grey, Rogue and Catwoman but all women seemed to say the same thing: they wanted a strong, funny, sassy woman and while yeah, it’s cool that we’re finally getting that, it’s taken way too long.

The Fellas responses however, are the exact problem with bringing superheroines to life on the big screen.

Jeff Sneider “only buys ScarJo and Angie, so if you don’t bring [him] one of them, [he’s] out.” He said he’d prefer a female remake of The Crow to any other female superhero out there and while I’m not denying how unquestionably awesome a female Crow would be, why genderbend when there are already so many other deserving ladies? And why limit yourself to Scarlett Johannson and Angelina Jolie when you have goddesses like Katee Sakoff, Gina Torres, and Amy Acker?

Jordan Zakarin thinks, “it’s sort of a silly debate to be having, because women have shown that they can lead…Plus, it’s not like a woman superhero would suddenly ruin the integrity and streak of perfection in these films.” True, we have shown we can lead and there have been more flops than the studios would like to admit, but to minimize the importance of the debate by calling it “silly” just proves how much more work women have to do to prove their worth. Would Jordan have called it silly when talking about the next male hero to be adapted? Arguably not.

Joseph Kapsch questions if “a studio can actually create a female superhero driven tentpole that is as viable a moneymaker as its male counterparts?” This kind of thinking is the exact reason why it’s taken so long to get a heroine onto the screen in the first place. Stop questioning and start trying.

Tony Maglio says, “I’m all for female superhero movies, but the fangirl market is still not what the fanboy market is, so it seems like a riskier investment from the studio side. Plus, historically, the vast majority of superheroes were men, so it’s inarguably slimmer pickings for the fairer sex within the realm of existing franchises.” I’m sorry, how does that matter? Sure, there may be “less options” but there are still an abundance of underrated powerful and complex heroines between all the comic universes, so why does the ratio of women to men in comics tilt the scales?

Todd Cunningham was one of my personal favorites (read: asshole). “I don’t think the gender of the superheroes matters that much, and I’m pretty sure that superhero equality shouldn’t be on the front burner when it comes to equality between the sexes. The fact is, most superhero movies are primarily the domain of teenage boys, who can identify best with male heroes (not to mention the “yuck — girls!” factor). That doesn’t mean it has to be that way going forward, but it’s not like Hollywood and Marvel and DC haven’t tried female superheroes before — if you look at Wikipedia, there’s nearly a hundred of them, and some have connected. I know Warner Bros. is pinning a lot of hope on Wonder Woman as a character. And Scarlett Johansson may yet get her own Black Widow movie with Marvel.” Mr. Cunningham could not be more confused. He gives the bigoted impression that he sees no gender inequality at all and therefore, why is everyone so upset? While no, a female hero isn’t the most important issue in the battle between sex-equality, the fact that out of all the superhero movies that have been made in the last fifteen years, I don’t even need a single finger to count the solo heroine films… That’s a major problem. The gender of superheroes released for public consumption in such a mass media market like cinema, and by extension television, is much more important that Todd realizes. Oh, there’s nearly a hundred female superheroes on Wikipedia? Why make any more, that’s plenty. Oh, ScarJo may finally get her own BLACK WIDOW movie 7 years after her character was first introduced, two IRON MAN sequels, potentially two THOR sequels, and one AVENGERS sequel later? No, there’s absolutely nothing wrong nor unequal about that. “Yuck – girls!” is no longer a feasible excuse – these films are not made for pre-pubescent boys anymore, they’re made for the general population which women just so happen to be part of.

These delightful gentlemen and the studio bigwigs are major contributing reasons that it’s take this long to adapt a female superhero into a cinematic feature; because it’s silly to wonder which heroine should get her own film, because unless you’re Angelina Jolie no one will want to see the film, because there are less options than male heroes, because “Yuck – girls!”

Unfortunately for these poor nimrods, however, a few of their male coworkers got it right: Tim Molloy offered his personal experience growing up on Black Cat and how much he loved and identified with her. He says that audiences today will embrace the female hero, especially if she’s an underdog. “But it’s sexist (and boring) if a heroine’s only supposed weakness is the fact that she’s a woman. Superhero movies need to give their women heroes the same kinds of flaws that men have, from Iron Man’s dying heart to the Hulk’s lack of self-control. If the story’s compelling, moviegoers will buy in.”

Andy Gensler also brought up a great point that women in comics have more often than not been reduced to sexy ninja warriors because if they don’t fall into that category they tend to have a tough go of it in comics. He wants the superheroine to be reinvented. His thoughts: “I’d like to see R. Crumb’s Ideal Woman, but made-over as a bad-ass contemporary feminist, a warrior who can cut through male megalomania BS in a single honest, authentic, and castrating bound. Who should play her? Melissa McCarthy, looking buxom and badass.”

And lastly Travis Reilly put it in terms that even Cunningham should be able to understand. “1) I like superhero movies, and 2) I like women. Those are my thoughts.” Upset that “companies are still — in the vast majority of instances — clinging to Caucasian male leads,” Reilly has been waiting just as long as women have for a heroine to get her own film.

*Side note, Microsoft word does not try to autocorrect “superhero” but does give me the red squigglies for “superheroine.” Jus’ sayin’.

Fan-made and AWESOME.

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME. It seems a little off-beat and strange to think that Joss could direct something as dark and damaging as THOND (don’t make me type it out again, please.) But looking at his previous bodies of work, it actually seems quite fitting. He not only could produce a visually stunning piece of art, but he could really root us inside the story of a disfigured boy who’s trapped and condemned by a vicious judge in the mid-19^th century. What’s more, if told through Frollo’s point of view, I fully believe that Joss has the ability, skill, and drive to provide us with a character so complex and detailed that we would have no choice but to empathize with the man instead of the monster.

I just realized that SKY HIGH and STAR TREK were both filmed at Cal State Northridge’s Oviatt Library. So weird to see your school on the big screen.

SKY HIGH. A little known movie (that was supposed to have 3 sequels that were cancelled due to its unfortunate flop) that carts us around a world where superheroes exist, and teen “supers” go to a high school for superheroes. IN THE SKY. Awesome, awesome concept and with a little touch of Buffy-meets-THE AVENGERS magic, Joss Whedon could have made it an awesome, awesome film.

The ultimate weapon against vampires.

PINOCCHIO. The horror version. THE CABIN IN THE WOODS was Joss’s first feature length horror movie (though Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s S04E10 “Hush” still takes the cake for me) that combined all the elements of story-telling that has made him so popular: fantastical demons, technology you hope never comes to light, and such witty characters you wish he wrote your daily life. Now, imagine Joss Whedon’s horror version of PINOCCHIO. A wooden boy who terrorizes his “father” Geppetto and a small town (or big city?), until he’s finally murdered horribly at the end of the film. (Or not, you never really know with Joss.)

INSPECTOR GADGET. Joss has shown us his love of technological enhancements throughout pretty much all of his works (a few excluded), so it seems only natural that he should want to remake INSPECTOR GADGET. I’d kill for Film Noir Inspector Gadget (and knowing him, genderbent too).

THE SKELETON DANCE was an animated short from the 1920’s where skeletons danced and sang around a graveyard. Imagine THE SKELETON DANCE made in the same vein as DR. HORRIBLE’S SING-ALONG BLOG. Comedic, sweet, clever, and Nathan Fillion.

Jen and Sylvia Soska recreating The Shining’s iconic twinzies.

THE PARENT TRAP. Our top three beloved Scoobie’s all met their doppelganger at some point during Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s seven season run. Willow met her evil, alternate-universe vampire-Willow (S03E09 “The Wish” & S03E16 “Doppelgangland”), Xander met his twin when he was split in two in S05E03 “The Replacement, and even Buffy herself had a twin in the form of BuffyBot (though, a sexbot isn’t quite what I had in mind for THE PARENT TRAP.) Imagine Joss Whedon’s adorable long-lost-twins coming together in order to trap (and kill) their parents as a sacrifice to some ancient God, or whatever other reason you might want to come up with that doesn’t piggyback off CABIN IN THE WOODS. Point is: He would make those of us who don’t have an evil twin very thankful for it, and those of us do, really pissed.

TARZAN. So this one’s a tad odd to be sure. But imagine: live action Tarzan, raised savagely by apes. In the spirit of the original 1918 story, he attacks a village that has settled in the area in revenge (they killed his mama ape) becomes known as “an evil spirit,” and is then hunted by the remaining settlers. How and if Joss chooses to bring in Jane Porter is a question for debate: is this a love story, or a story about our misunderstood hero? At the end of the original tale, Tarzan doesn’t get a happy ending – Jane ends up with another man – and we all know how Joss loves to kill our dreams (read: Firefly) so that part we’ll just leave open ended and always wonder how he might have managed to wrap up Tarzan’s heartbreaking story.

Concept art by Tae Young in Choi, Korea.

ATLANTIS. I’m not really sure this even requires an explanation. Anyone who wouldn’t want to see Joss Whedon’s take on ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE should die by machete (he provided the story for the animated feature). A mysterious culture that’s been lost undersea for ten thousand years, whose survival is powered by a magical force and protected by a warrior princess? Still not sure why this hasn’t already been made.

Joss will be busy filming and finishing AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON for the next year or so, but you can find me sitting in a dark corner of my apartment brooding and blubbering and waiting for the day that he brings my hopes and dreams to life (hopefully not to kill them off or mutilate them horribly) by remaking a Disney film. And really, at this point, any one of them will do. Ancient Gods, please don’t let my Whedon/Disney ship sink, but oh god please do find a new ship name, because Wheney and Jisney are not good.

For many hardcore fans, the big ticket item for the first day of WonderCon 2014 was the world premiere of Son of Batman, a film adaptation of Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert’s 2006 comic book that gives us Damien Wayne’s origin story.

Son of Batman is stunningly DCU’s 20th original film, and the second featuring new Batman voice Jason O’Mara (Life on Mars, Terra Nova).

As the lights dim, and the movie begins, one devout DC fan shouts “Marvel sucks,” which is just silly. But, it is clear that the animation realm is where DC excels, and Son of Batman is no exception, as we get some stunning, Japanese inspired animation to tell the story of one of the more divisive heroes in the DC universe.

We open on the League of Shadows fortress, with Ra’s Al Ghul (Breaking Bad and Revolution‘s Giancarlo Esposito) promising the League to his grandson Damien. That would be Damien Wayne, a love child between Talia Al Ghul (Firefly and Homeland‘s Morena Baccarin) and Bruce Wayne (the aforementioned Jason O’Mara), one that Talia has until now, kept secret from the Bat. Within moments, the League is attacked, as a ton of agents and helicopters rain down on the stronghold, showering the League assassins in bullets. Since no other League member is worth their salt, its up to Talia and Ra’s to fight back against hundreds of faceless villains. Sheer numbers and firepower win out, and it doesn’t hurt that the enemy is led by one Slade Wilson (Thomas Gibson) AKA Deathstroke AKA DC’s new favorite antihero. In Son of Batman, he’s all evil. We’re blessed with a brief fight between Ra’s and Deathstroke, that’s interrupted by a massive rocket taking down the building, incinerating Ra’s al Ghul in the process.

That’s when Damien springs to action, and it’s clear that having the DNA of Ra’s Al Ghul, Talia and Bruce Wayne is nice to have, as he cuts through Deathstroke’s army like butter, and even goes toe to toe with Slade himself, taking out his eye in one of the first moments that elicited unbridled cheers from the audience. Deathstroke flees, but the damage is done: Ra’s al Ghul is unable to make it to the Lazarus Pits before finally succumbing to death (though I still doubt it). This leaves a power vacuum at the top of the League of Shadows, one that Deathstroke intends to fill.

After the tragedy, Black WidowTalia decides it’s time to tell Bruce that he has an annoying, hyper-violent, maybe psychotic, defiant tween. Talia comes to Bruce, reveals the truth, and literally sails away on a boat seconds later, leaving Batman to take care of his seed. It plays out like a sitcom, which is hilarious. Damien sets the tone of their early relationship when he comments: “I thought you’d be taller.” He also thought the Bat Cave would be bigger, and calls the Robin outfit insipid and never wastes a second in ridiculing the garish outfit. Of course, fans will know that he’ll soon wear it himself, because he’s a young kid in Batman’s care. That’s just what happens.

Meanwhile, Dr. Kirk Langstrom (Being Human‘s Xander Berkeley) is hard at work on a breakthrough, clearly under conscription by Ra’s al Ghul. Now his deal shifts to Deathstroke…who’s not as forgiving, and kidnaps his family as leverage, because that always brings out the best work in scientists. Comic book or cartoon fans will know that Kirk Langstrom comes to be known as Man-Bat. In this film, he makes a slew of them, and a Bat-Gorilla, which is as ridiculous as it sounds.

Damien’s arrival obviously puts a crimp in Batman’s style, but luckily Alfred (David McCallum) is there to make wry, sarcastic and dry remarks. He’s none too pleased by Damien’s demeanor and trying attitude either. Every quip Alfred makes is pure comedic genius. It’s a shame that he doesn’t deliver every line. Damien’s intent on getting revenge on Deathstroke, to avenge his grandfather’s death, but Batman, of course, preaches the whole “no death” thang, putting the pair at odds, as they try to take on Deathstroke and Dr. Langstrom’s horde of medical monstrosities.

The movie is filled with appearances by other significant Bat-characters, including fan-favorite Nightwing (Firefly‘s Sean Maher), who’s used as a get out of jail free card throughout, along with a few brief glimpses at the villains you’d expect to fill up Arkham, and several others I don’t want to spoil.

There are some awesome sequences, a few missed opportunities (they skip over a Nightwing/Damien fight), but thanks to beautiful artwork, way too many gratuitous shots of Talia’s cleavage, great voice acting and a solid story, Son of Batman doesn’t disappoint in bringing Damien Wayne to celluloid for the first time. While Damien’s abilities made him seem more like the son of Superman, I suppose that’s par for the course for a cartoon hero.

Son of Batman arrives on HD stream April 22nd. Order it here. The DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack arrives May 6th, and can be pre-ordered from Amazon.

After a fairly crowded arena at WonderCon witnessed the world premiere of DCU’s newest animation confection, Son of Batman, we were also treated to a Q&A with some of the brilliant talent involved in the production. That means James Tucker, the DCU “super” producer, director Ethan Spaulding, heralded animator Phil Bourassa, casting director and voice actor guru Andrea Romano, actor Xander Berkeley (who plays Kirk Langstrom in the film), Firefly star Sean Maher (Nightwing), Stuart Allen (Damien) and Jason O’Mara (Batman).

Let’s dive in.

The film is rated PG-13, and it’s filled with blood, cleavage, and a sperm donor line. Tucker “can’t find the line,” he’s unable to cross with the ratings system, and wants to give the audience bang for their buck, upping the stakes for the film. Blood, cleavage and sperm are what every fan wants. Proof:

Son of Batman is based on a comic book of the same name by Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert, and Tucker was asked what the difficulties were in adaptation, and the choices they made. They clearly made changes, and took liberties with the story, as they “had room to adapt,” though it was difficult, because it couldn’t be 20 hours long.

It was Jason O’Mara’s second time as the new voice actor for Batman, after Justice League: War. When asked what it’s like, he couldn’t stop talking about Talia al Ghul’s cleavage (“that made this a great Friday night”) and the “silicone” pits, which became a running topic of discussion during the panel. In all seriousness, it was hard for him to find the elusive Bat-voice the first go round, but thanks to Andrea, they found it, and brought that experience onto SOB, which is an ill-advised abbreviation that I’m going to continue using.

Stuart Allen is asked what it was like to play Damien. When he first read the script, and was introduced to the character, he thought Damien was a brat. Then he went to Gamestop for the down low and insight into his character, and really got it. I still think Damien’s a brat myself. Stuart is as excitable and neurotic a kid as I’ve ever seen. He’s like a 9 year old on coke.

Berkeley, an in-demand voice and live action actor (he’s on Salem, premiering on Sunday), was asked what drew him to Kirk Langstrom. For him, it’s Batman, “of course you wanna do it. Who wouldn’t?” Good point. Especially when Andrea is involved, he’ll do it.

Sean Maher’s role as Nightwing is his first role in an animated film in his career. During the film and the oft-viewed Talia cleavage, Sean was constantly reminded of Morena Baccarin’s cleavage on Firefly, which consistently got sunburnt on set, and became a butt of jokes. This makes sense because Baccarin voices Talia.

Phil Bourassa is a God in the DC animation world, but this was his first solely Batman movie, and he’d been wanting to do one forever. Every artist has their own take on Batman. Any day drawing Batman is a good day. Amen.

With no disrespect to Sean Maher, it’s asked why Nightwing is the only one who can take down Damien in the film. Their fight is skimmed over in the film, but stay tuned for the credits to get a taste of their battle royale. They apparently couldn’t fit in the movie/couldn’t figure out how to make it cool enough (pretty much what they said). They could’ve cut out the Gorilla-Bat scene and replaced it with the Nightwing/Damien fight.

When asked by an audience member who they’d dress up as on the exhibit floor, Jason O’Mara responded with Boba Fett to many cheers. Stuart Allen offered Green Lantern and Iron Man.

Andrea Romano is thanked at least three times for an amazing childhood by fans, which is one of the better compliments I can dream up.

Then came a parade of crappy questions that you know the panel can’t answer, like will there be more Damien/Son of Batman movies, or if they have plans for Character A and Character B, yadda yadda yadda. One guy, effusive in his praise for the DC animated films, then insults them by arguing that he’s fatigued with Batman and that they are relying too heavily on Batman (fair), and pointing out that Marvel respects and utilizes all their characters (true, but unfair and beside the point). This “question” isn’t met positively.

When asked what characters they’d like to see explored in a future film, James Tucker mentions Spectre, and Bourassa talks up Kirby’s Fourth World characters.

Apparently Dick Grayson/Nightwing is the only Robin in the new DCU animated continuity (until Damien comes along), which means that there is no Tim Drake. They aren’t hating on Tim, but “normal people need to understand this too.” It didn’t come out as insulting as that sounded. Tim Drake is asked about another time, because nobody listens TO OTHER QUESTIONS.

Jason O’Mara is impressing fans. One questioner even says “Kevin who?”, a reference to the god of Bat-voices, Kevin Conroy. Hold your horses, kid. There was a lot of pressure on O’Mara to do the voice, but he tried to tune it all out, and didn’t refer to any of the other performances, hoping to create a unique and authentic voice of his own. I think he’s succeeded. Andrea points out that the voice has grown and evolved since JL: WAR, for the better.

Did Stuart feel pressure in bringing Damien to life? It is, after all, the first time he’s on the big screen (or Blu-Ray). He felt a little pressure, sure, but he’s a laid back guy. You “gotta go with the flow.” If anyone over 10 had said that, there probably would’ve been boos.

Several people harp on Tucker and company to adapt classic DC books into films, like The Killing Joke. Tucker responds that the company makes 3 movies every year, with 2 in continuity, and the third a one-off, so there’s always that possibility. TBA. If you’re playing a comic con drinking game at home, that’s a big-time drink. I think some version of the “we can’t tell you $#*!” line was used 13 times in this panel. There are some awful questions, but some worse answers. Andrea even commented on their glib responses, and apologized for them, because they can’t announce anything…until they’re announced.

Tucker apparently didn’t know that Deathstroke was being used on Arrow when they were making Son of Batman, because the myriad branches of WB work separately. Seems silly, because as the fan mentions, Slade is “everywhere right now.” Of course, since he’s a badass, that’s probably not a bad thing, and there are several different takes on the character.

After another stupid question, I stalked off, ready for dinner, my first day of WonderCon over. Tomorrow is a latter day, one with innumerable goodies in store.

Son of Batman comes out on HD stream tomorrow, April 22nd, and can be ordered here. If you want to wait for the DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack (which arrives May 6th), buy it here.

If you have not seen CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER or the latest episode of Marvel’s AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D., you’re not a very good nerd, nor should you read the rest of this post LEST YE BE SPOILED.

Week after week, Tuesday after Tuesday, I prepare myself to watch the next episode of what should be the greatest show on television: it lives in a world that has Gods, philanthropic-playboy-geniuses, a modern-day Robin Hood, and a goddamn Hulk. Yet, every week I have to give myself pep-talks and convince myself that maybe this time it’ll be better, maybe this is the episode that will make me go, “JOSS WHEDON IS BACK, BITCHES!” But here we are, seventeen episodes into its premiere season and I still cannot say that I am 100% committed to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. for the duration of its television run no matter how long – or how short – that may be.

Let’s take a quick look at my lovers’ (most people call him Joss) television resumé.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1997-2003): Had it all. A kickass ladyhero, hot-as-hell vampires, a couple of lezzie Wicca’s, a few neat accents, sex, drama, blood, pain and lots and lots of laughs. While the wardrobe may be outdated now (sweet mother of God is it bad), everyone no matter if they’re a new found fan, or a lifer, can appreciate the language of Buffyisms that was created, the family that we all shared, and the everlasting hatred of the monster sibling that was Dawn. Joss Whedon was tired of watching horror movies where the blond girl always got the ax first, so he gave us a heroine that even over a decade later, everyone still wants to be when they grow up.

ANGEL (1999-2004): BtVS’s spinoff is all-too-often compared to its predecessor and the comments that follow are generally in the vain of, “…but not as good.” or “…it just wasn’t BUFFY.” And while, yes, those may be true because of HOW MUCH WE LOVE BUFFY, they don’t actually have any real merit. ANGEL was a great show in its own right, and no it wasn’t BUFFY… Because it wasn’t BUFFY. It was ANGEL. While Joss didn’t take the lead on this one, he left in the hands of his more than capable partner David Greenwalt who had been working on BtVS with him for years. They, together, knew the characters they created and so taking them out of Sunnydale and putting them in The City of Angels wasn’t something to be scared of. ANGEL may have fallen off the bandwagon a few times (Connor and evil Cordy, anyone?) its characters never changed past the point of recognition. Which is more than we can say for some other less fortunate folks on the telly (VAMPIRE DIARIES, I’m looking at you).

FIREFLY (2002-2003): If you haven’t seen FIREFLY, do everyone a favor and go impale yourself.

DR. HORRIBLE’S SING ALONG BLOG (TV Mini-Series, 2008): Neil Patrick Harris. Felicia Day. Nathan Fillion. Joss Whedon. Singing. DR. HORRIBLE was a brilliant, adorable and endearing work of fluffy fun. It was just a little reminder for all of Joss’ fans that he was still around and still making wonderful little things for us to treasure.

DOLLHOUSE (2009-2010): DOLLHOUSE was an interesting shift for Joss. Anyone who’s familiar with his aforementioned works, knows that he started to get very interested in technology and how that impacted the worlds he was writing about (BtVS Season 4 was the worst), and DOLLHOUSE absolutely felt like it was an experiment to see how far he could take his idea of implanting custom personalities into sleepers-for-hire. And honestly, had Eliza Dushku been replaced, DOLLHOUSE probably could have succeeded for many more seasons to come. I don’t say that because I don’t like Eliza (which to be fair, she isn’t my fave), but I say that because in order for us to believe that these “dolls” really were getting their brains wiped of personality implants, the actors that were cast needed have the range to portray anything and everything that the writers could think of, and Eliza does not have that range: she has the acting abilities of my mother ironing board. The concept of DOLLHOUSE was new, intriguing, had a fabulous crew of supporting cast, and was pretty fucking awesome all around – it just needed an equally awesome lead, which it did not.

And finally we come to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013-): Looking at all the components individually, characters (which to be fair, could use some major fleshing out; Fitz and Simmons need backgrounds and lives outside of their work together at the Academy and in S.H.I.E.L.D. and Skye could definitely improve with one of the Dollhouse’s personality implants) are decent enough, the concept is absolutely great looking at how big the Marvel cinematic universe is growing each year (OMG AVENGERS 2 OMG THE DEFENDERS OMG) and everyone loves Coulson. But what about AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. just isn’t working?

Could it be that Joss Whedon has not directed a single episode since the pilot?

Or the fact that Joss has only written one episode this entire season.

Hey, maybe it’s that Joss Whedon is not the show-runner, but merely titled “co-creator” and “producer”?

Had AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. been solely in Joss’ more than capable hands, I have no doubt that it would by far be one of the best shows to tune into weekly, but being left in the hands of another (it’s been proven time and time again that Maurissa and Jed together are not half the talent that Joss is alone) AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D is suffering, and I don’t think that even the great Thor could stop it. The episodes are lackluster and #ItsAllConnected doesn’t mean a damn thing, but no one knows what’s going on anymore.

Ward is banging May, is in love with Skye, and now he’s HYDRA? Fitz and Simmons are adorable, easily flustered, and lacking any real substance, which immediately leads me to Skye. What, exactly, is the point of her? Something about her parents were important so she’s highly valuable or something… to who now? And why is that, again? Melinda May is a badass, sure, but her lack of any kind of expression has worn out its welcome. Is she in love with Coulson? She sure seems like she could be, yet she’s bumping uglies with Ward, assembled this team to put Coulson down if need be, and is apparently in contact with Fury behind everyone’s backs. Who knows what happened with Agent Hand last week since all I gathered from that entire episode is that she apparently got dead, and who knows if that was even real (Fury ain’t dead. No one can kill Sam Jackson. Be real. …And, you know, spoilers).

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be moving in some sort of direction somewhere, somehow, but the individual storylines and overall plot have such little structure that the miniscule bit of information that is given is so haphazard and undeveloped that it feels like Maurissa and Jed took a page from the bible of LOST and are just making things up as they go. Joss may have made things up as he went (some story arcs were more ridiculous than others…ADAM) but you never quite felt this dazed and confused. While I know Joss is busy being all Avenge-y, it’d sure be nice if he stuck his head into the S.H.I.E.L.D. writers’ room once in a while to bust their balls about the hot mess that is AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

For many, the LARP subplot in ROLE MODELS was their first exposure to Live Action Role Playing, a “real life” version of Dungeons & Dragons, getting dice rolling fanatics out into the fresh air. And it not only was rife with hilarity, but made us all want to play it.

Unfortunately, the 20 minutes of ROLE MODELS is miles beyond anything found in KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM. A LARP movie, with a brilliant, nerd friendly cast had tons of potential. It’s unfortunate to see it mostly wasted here.

For hundreds of years, an evil, Necronomicon-like book created by John Dee was thought to be lost forever. Unfortunately for the world, it’s been found, and put into the hands of Level 26 perpetually going on 27 wizard Eric (TREME’s Steve Zahn), who treats it like the gag gift that he thinks it is.

Instead, he summons pure evil into the world during a faux sacrifice with his Live Action Role Playing buddies. Oops.

Speaking of pure evil, girls are the worst. Especially long time H.S. girlfriends unimpressed with the direction, or lack thereof, in your life. Enter “doom” metal rocker Joe (TRUE BLOOD’s Ryan Kwanten), flashing his wares at a mechanic shop, clearly out of his preferred element. It’s the night of the big date with Beth (REVENGE’s Margarita Levieva), and fearing that Joe is planning a proposal (he has penned a song instead), cuts the cord, and dumps him.

Apparently, Joe’s been living a meandering life in a castle, with his “accidental millionaire” brother, the aforementioned Eric.

It’s so jarring and weird to see GAME OF THRONE extraordinaire Peter Dinklage as a character named “Hung” who would say “It’s a sativa, dude,” and acting like one of the idiots, rather than being the cleverest person in the room we’re so accustomed to seeing. This isn’t to say that Dinklage doesn’t pull it off, but it’s unfortunate that he’s not given much material, since he’s clearly brought in to be comic relief and awesome.

When Joe gets home, all mopey from Beth’s probably justified dumping, the pair get him life-threateningly drunk and stoned, and Joe wakes up the next day in the back of Eric’s van, in full armor, on the eve of the Battle of Evermore. He’s resistant to jumping into LARP, but apparently has legendary D&D skills from back in the day (it’s hard to believe Ryan Kwanten has ever not spent a night sleeping with women), and now single with nothing better to do, ultimately relents. From there, we learn the rules, etiquette and point system of LARP, meet the over-bearing game master Ronnie (IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA’s Jimmi Simpson, having more fun than most people in this movie) and in order to make Joe eligible to play, Eric must whip up a spell of transference or something.

Instead, Eric gives the demon a body, in the form of Beth, Joe’s ex-girlfriend who now likes to kill people:

This certainly puts a damper on the Battle of Evermore, as Eric, Joe and company attempt to fend off the villainous Beth with little more than foam swords and fake spells.

Oh, and SUMMER GLAU (FIREFLY, not that you needed this parenthetical). In a movie that has Peter Dinklage, Steve Zahn, Ryan Kwanten, Jimmi Simpson and friggin’ Danny Pudi (who is somehow unlikable as “Lando”), we’re all here to see THE sexy nerd Summer Glau be a badass. She gets that chance too infrequently, even with a +3 endowment (her butt).

What was successful was her reason for playing: her younger brother Gunther (Brett Gipson) has trouble separating LARP from reality, and after a disastrous outing to Medieval Times, Gwen has jumped into his world to protect him. It’s adorable, while a hulking brute who’s never off book is great comedy.

I’ll give KOB this: it certainly establishes the world and its characters quickly, and wasting even less time to escalate. KOB doesn’t tread lightly on his presence, racking up a body count quickly. In fact, it kills off the characters you want to see more of, which is unfortunate.

There are practically limitless opportunities for quirky characters, cameos, speeches and scenes within a fake-but-not-really fake Battle filled with LARP’ers, and blessed with such an awesome cast, it makes KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM a frustrating viewing experience. It certainly has funny moments (it’s impossible to ruin the concept), and a satisfying climax, but mostly, it just left me wanting a do-over.

The Blu-Ray features a “Summer Glau Hottie Montage,” which sounded like it could break the internet should it ever get out. Instead, it was a boring interview inter-cut with scenes from the movie that were sexier the first time. There’s also a Peter Dinklage interview, a Steve Zahn interview and two “Horr-o-medy” featurettes, but like the Glau Montage, clock in at 1-2 minutes a piece. Director Joe Lynch has a 7 minute interview, but the cream of the crop is the San Diego Comic-Con panel, clocking in at 48 minutes, featuring everyone in the cast you’d want to see, save Steve Zahn.

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM is on Blu-Ray today, April 1st, and is just $19.99 on Amazon.

Full Disclosure: I’m writing this while listening to the “Once More With Feeling” soundtrack from BUFFY. But, of course.

Sometimes things so bizarre, weird, or perfect, just fall in your lap. That was exactly what I felt like when a Facebook friend (so you know we’re close) of mine posted a status update that related the following news to me:

Lusty Kitten Productions (naturally) was putting on an Joss Whedon-themed burlesque show in Los Angeles, THAT night (Friday Feb. 7th), entitled Across the Whedonverse.

Um, what.the.fuck?!

It was two hours until show time, I had no ride, and would be bailing on my roommate’s burgers and movie night…but I didn’t really have a choice.

What was to come reminds me of what Whistler said in “Becoming, Part One,”:

Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.

This night was one of those “big moments.” I’ve never been to a burlesque show. Not for lack of…trying? No, that’s not the right way to put it (though I do want to go to David Lynch’s writing spot). Not for lack of desire? …I guess. The idea of women getting naked and dancing holds much appeal. Obviously. The idea of these women getting naked with a FIREFLY or BUFFY back drop? That gives me every kind of boner possible, while also confirming how great the universe is.

Of course, I was imagining semi-beautiful look-alikes with decent production value and mildly clever jokes.

I got none of those things. Well the jokes were mildly clever, if you consider ketchup mild.

But, even so, it was so worth it. It was the kind of awful you want to experience. The kind of awful you can tell your friends about, and the kind of awful that reveals beauty and brilliance and what life is all about.

Joss Whedon is the greatest. There’s no disputing it, and his fans, acolytes and believers are also the greatest by extension. Joss Whedon is everyone, a patron saint for the average guy and girl, the nerd, the recluse, the nerd recluse who gets the courage to wave his nerd recluse flag amongst other like-minded nerd recluses at Comic-Con and Slayage Conferences, or as it so happens the Fais Do Do club on Adams Boulevard.

It also allows these same people to get close-to-naked on stage for others Whedonites amusement and pleasure.

The night began, after a long wait in line, bursting with men and women donning their Jayne hat (above), with another interminably long, single file line to an uninspired bar (HELP US GET DRUNKER), and a magician who gives low-energy magicians a bad name. It wasn’t even a diverting experience; it just made the crowd that much more restless and impatient for boobs. At one point he was “floating” paper flowers or something, and the string he was using was as clear as day. It was painful, and certainly didn’t get one pumped up for what was to come.

And then, before the show had even started…it was time for an intermission. Fuck off, really?

At this point I was painfully sober (two weak $8 Dark and Stormy’s didn’t cut it) and impatient for this trip to work out. I had met my aforementioned friend, and two of his friends, including a guy who managed to tell me he had slept with 70 different women in his opening introductions and was now dating this cute girl from Seattle who was on his arm. Yeah, I wasn’t going to like “Rob” ever.

And then it was time for nerds gettin’ naked time! Things kicked off with a girl Dr. Horrible (dancer Tas DeVille), then a “shy” Willow blossoming before us (Rynie Das Wreckless), and an Anya (Spy Kitten) not only removing bunny stuffed animals from her robe, but also articles of clothing. Plus, her pasties accidentally fell off. Now I know what it must’ve been like for those at Super Bowl XXXVIII.

After Anya, it was time for an oddly dominatrix-y Echo (Estella Detroit), and then, Buffy, performed by Holly Rock-It! Later that night, feeling like I needed to do, I managed a very awkward “conversation” with Ms. Rock-It!, that consisted of me complimenting her on her dance and Holly thanking me politely to leave her alone.

How do you follow Buffy? You don’t…you just get another intermission. Thanks.

The most uncomfortable I might have ever been was when Mae Lust, one of the organizers of the event, a red-headed Wonder Woman, came to the stage and began reading…Fred and Harmony erotic fan fiction. As a friend told me, “That’s the dream.” It was the worst, but such a brilliant idea. I would’ve had two dancers as Fred and Harmony act out the events in the background, but that’s just me.

My favorite performer might’ve been the Rave inspired Black Widow (Lyra La Belle). Next up was some not obvious blonde character, brought to life by Cici Stiletto.

The cherry on top of weirdness was the awkward, short, quiet Mercury Troy putting a spin on Drusilla I’ll be trying to forget for years. But this show wasn’t over yet. The three most eclectic acts had yet to happen.

Enter Princess Kida Kidagakash (above), the hottie from ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE, a 2001 animated feature that Joss Whedon wrote a treatment for. Yup. We’re digging deep, even with Inara, Kaylee, Zoe, River, Sierra or any of the characters from AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D left to play. And no female Spike?! It was the kind of off-the-wall choice to be expected from the show, and also brought with it one of the more elaborate costumes of the night (one of the few good ones), filled out by June Au’Purr Darling.

Thrown in for good measure was also live music, supplied by Gemeni, a band formed by Lisa and Gina Gomez. Nerd rock is a thing, and they’re a fine example:

Then it got hot.

Who would’ve thought a near naked female Reaver with a man’s face covering her naughty bits would be so hot? Apparently Lusty Kitten, and Donatella MeLies made it happen.

Throughout the festivities, VV Trippple acted as the undead “pick-up artist,” meaning she was a zombie who picked up the clothes of the other performers. I could’ve done without it.

CABIN IN THE WOODS fans didn’t get a Merman. Instead, they got a Unicorn (Dia Blow…I think).

The finale was supplied by Sgt. Die Wies, a massive black woman (?), who brought more attitude, flair and gravitas to the character of Iron Man than even perhaps Robert Downey Jr. himself. Her performance was easily the most ridiculous, crazy thing I saw all night, as she bounced around stage, with lit-up arc reactor pasties and all. Her dance, and ACROSS THE WHEDONVERSE itself, was summed up perfectly by Captain Hammer’s closing line: “Fuck the arc reactor, we can power the Stark Tower with that ass.”

It took me far too long to really get and appreciate this night, but Sgt. Die Wies drilled the message home. The Whedonverse is about acceptance, and being yourself, and standing up for yourself, and doing what makes you happy, and that’s what these girls were doing all night, while showing off cleavage for charity. Jesus would be proud. Some dancers were better than others, but each were emblematic of the Whedonverse in every fashion, and every number was accompanied with truly bizarre and great music.

The evening was tied together by Mr. Snapper, or the aforementioned Captain Hammer stand-in, who was oftentimes unbearably cheesy, and other times, the only thing that didn’t make me want to impale myself on the Unicorn’s horn. It helps that we all came together to sing the Firefly theme song. Afterwards, he tried to rally us to sing Jayne’s Song…which should’ve been a roaring number, but instead ended up being just one dedicated and drunk Jayne fan singing along…and it was glorious.

Proving that he truly has nothing better to dois a tremendous sport, BUFFY and FIREFLY artist Georges Jeanty was there to sign autographs and cringe at the festivities with the rest of us.

While it didn’t prove to be a night of extreme socializing held together with expert storytelling, there was enough in-jokes, Whedon quotes and a stellar video clip featuring moments from all of our favorite series to make it worthwhile. The memorable experience will leave me as a leaf on the wind, at least until Accio Burlesque! returns…

A blurry photo of the cast