Still to come: NCIS: New Orleans (CBS), Gracepoint (FOX), The Kingdom (DirecTV), Cristela (ABC), The Walking Dead (AMC), Jane the Virgin (CBS), Marry Me (NBC), Grimm (NBC) and The McCarthys (CBS).

33. The Mysteries of Laura (NBC)

A bigger mystery to me than Laura (or even Laura), is why Debra Messing keeps getting leading roles in TV shows. Or rather, how she picked this one, and who thought the Will & Grace and Smash star was a good fit for a brusque, “badass” awful woman cop show. In the opening moments, we learn that she has a black partner who won’t hesitate to cover her “skinny ass,” and that Detective Laura Diamond (a TV name if I’ve ever heard one) is a morose, protocol-be-damned police woman who can’t help but wonder if anybody has jobs, because HOW DARE people hang out in the park on a sunny afternoon. With its ratings already dropping, I wonder if she will have a job much longer.

Hopefully, it’d rid the world of NBC’s “Woman Crush Weddings,” which apparently is lifted from #WCW, a mind-numbing Twitter hashtag. I’m going to start one: #girlsIwanttofuck. NBC’s Wednesday night block is made up of three grimly serious cops shows (Law & Order: SVU and Chicago P.D. round out the triumvirate), so naturally the marketing campaign devolved into relying on Sophia Bush, Debra Messing and Mariska Hargitay’s considerable sex appeal, rather than being tough workplace role models or whatever.

Laura drives a Volvo, shops at Target and comes equipped with an inspired catchphrase (“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”), deplorable parenting skills and an insulting almost ex-husband Jake (Josh Lucas, never worse) who just can’t bring himself to sign the papers, a family dynamic that sets TV back 43 years. She drugs her children for a private school interview (God forbid these tyrants go to public), and blackmailed a gym teacher with a lot of parking tickets to even get them that interview. Laura actually says, “I’m a mother, with a shiny badge, a loaded gun and very little patience.” There’s the logline that sold the pitch! I think she said that on school grounds, but I could just be imagining that specific horror. It’s like a future Melissa McCarthy movie, except Mysteries of Laura takes itself seriously. You shouldn’t.

Favorite Moments From The Pilot:

1) When Laura Diamond makes a house call, a rich housewife bats her eyelashes; heh, you’re cute, you’re a “middle-aged woman cop…just like on TV!” Mysteries of Laura thinks its clever. Just like pilot director McG probably thinks his name makes people think of anything other than a Happy Meal with explosions.

2) Laura calls men sloppy derisively. The frame widens to find Black Partner spilling popcorn all over the place. Hypocrite alert: Laura’s a slob who eats week old burritos she finds hidden among the piles of crap on her desk.

3) Laura’s kids actually deserve to be drugged and/or murdered. They pee on each other in public and just might be insane. Best of all is when Laura gets called into school, her gun automatically out (you don’t want to go into an elementary school unarmed) and there appears to be BLOOD all over the classroom. But no, it’s just her messy children taking over art class, or whatever. Because bloody classrooms are the best setup for a joke.

The pilot has one pleasure: a mini-Galaxy Quest reunion! Quellek (Patrick Breen) has aged into what appears to be a gay Peter Capaldi, and joins his former Thermian leader Mathesar (the incomparable Enrico Colantoni). The pleasure wears off pretty fast when you realize it had to come on this show. Plus, Quellek gets killed off pretty fast (perhaps fitting), and unfortunately, Alan Rickman does not come prancing in, promising that, By Grabthar’s Hammer, he shall be avenged. Even that probably couldn’t save this show.

32. Z Nation (SyFy)

Oh man, this show is so crummy guys (CRUMMY). It’s close to becoming the designated Drinking Game Show of the week, but I don’t know if the show knows how bad it is yet, and I don’t care enough to find out. And I don’t foresee a shortage of drinking in my future.

It’s SyFy’s answer/rip-off of The Walking Dead, set three years after the first infection. You know how screwed the world would be if a zombie apocalypse happened? DJ Qualls, yes that DJ Qualls, would be military. He practically is a DJ here, living up to his name, with “season tickets to the zompocalypse,” working alone at Camp Northern Light, or something. Even in a dystopia, nobody wants to hang out with DJ Qualls. Qualls is late to evacuate the base, and they leave without him; they immediately fly to their deaths. They’d rather die than hang out with DJ Qualls. I’d rather watch almost anything else than Z Nation.

Z Nation is filled with more nonsensical, military BS talk than the “Z’s” themselves (what a clever term for zombies). The world-saving mission that the surviving dregs of the military are on is called “Operation Bitemark.” Seriously. Most of the tomfoolery is uttered by DJ Qualls, rendering any call sign or operation name about as meaningful as a Bluth family mission. I’d take Operation Hot Mother any day, but I’m a Motherboy.

Speaking of children, there’s also a zombie baby stuffed amid a mission to the CDC, a possible zombie cure, and essentially all four seasons of TWD jammed in an hour. For those who bemoan the AMC show’s deliberate pace, Z Nation provides a terrifyingly awful counter argument. There are several deaths, time jumps and tragedies that befall this boring cast of stock characters, but there’s never a reason to give a shit. We need to care about these people before it matters when they die. Of course, Z Nation is a show where you’re definitely rooting for the zombies to tear into these people so we don’t have to waste any more time on them. The more they kill, the closer to the end of the world, and hopefully, the end of this show.

Favorite Moments:

• “He’s a baby. He makes noise.” “Shut up.”
• LOST refugee Harold Perrinau’s Hammond at one point sighs, “God I hate moral dilemmas.” SyFy has a moral dilemma on whether or not they should keep this show on the air.
• Fantastic zombie rules: “A month ago? That’s like 2 years apocalypse time.”

I actually did like the idea of a pop-up weapons caravan that sells various guns, knives, bullets and other hairy concoctions. I also enjoyed the conceit that the zombie’s speed depends on how long they’ve been dead: they’re fast immediately after, then slow as time goes on. This doesn’t explain why a baby turns into a devastating ferret-like monster once bitten, since zombism presumably doesn’t make you faster. Or so one would think. But there’s not a lot of thought put into Z Nation.

31. Forever (ABC)

Ioan Gruffudd might be the most boring actor on the planet, yet he keeps landing TV roles, his career seemingly as immortal as his title character in this dull show.

At one point during this derivative pilot, Henry (Gruffudd) explains to us in a droll monologue: “My life is just like yours, except for one small difference…it never ends.”

I live forever, no biggie guys. I’m just like you. You can empathize me, relate to my suffering. WHAT THE FUCK?! If an immortal prick tried to befriend me, the injustice would be that I couldn’t friggin’ kill him. My life is just likes yours, except I’m Brad Pitt. My life is just like yours, except I own an island. My life is just like yours, except I’m the orphan of a now extinct alien race.

Henry has “seen a lot,” but hasn’t learn shit about life or his condition over the last 200 years of his life. He just knows that when he dies, he wakes up in the nearest body of water naked, not a scratch on him. He’s Ichabod Crane/Sherlock Holmes without the charm or quirks. He’s understandably obsessed with death, so he works at a morgue along with Joel David Moore (Bones, Avatar), who has been neurotic and awkward as long as this show’s title (For-Ev-Er).

In the opening scene Henry’s the only survivor of a massive subway accident, and even before he gets a cryptic villainous phone call, I was having Unbreakable flashbacks. While it’s not exactly Mr. Glass on the other end, there’s someone else like him out there, and they’re about to engage in a Sherlock/Moriarty battle, with New York as the playground. Or something.

What’s depressing about Forever, or at least, a few of the things that make me depressed, is that the wacky premise is just an excuse to throw Henry into a police procedural opposite Detective Jo Martinez (Alana De La Garza), a woman who escaped Woman Crush Wednesdays, and after one case, gets to bring Henry along during investigations until this show gets cancelled. This job tag-along crap is one of my favorite procedural tropes; if there’s ever a murder involving fantasy football, Red Pandas and IPA’s, I might walk away with a job.

Henry’s lifespan and accumulated knowledge only manifests itself in his keen observational skills. He’s another Psych, Mentalist, Sherlock character, because the public loves seeing assholes who can figure out that you’re allergic to coconuts, have 3 cats, like anal sex and are still emotionally recovering from the death of your postman. Women also love men who pay attention, so Henry’s a ladies man. Throw in a little bit o’ Nazi backstory, and you have Forever, a show I’ll be watching…

Never. Never again, anyways. Unless the Moriarty character is played by Alan Rickman.

30. Manhattan Love Story (ABC)

“I want to write a love story set in Manhattan.”

“Oh my god, what a revolutionary idea, and even better, it already has a ready-made, totally informative, awesome title!”

“Love Story Set In Manhattan? Sounds awkward.”

“Manhattan Love Story, silly.”

“OMG, you’re right.”

A studio exec leans over the coffee table, spilling their mimosa. “Excuse me, did you say Manhattan Love Story? We’ll BUY IT!”

Manhattan Love Story sounds like a vague place holder title a writer would have on his To-Do list, or the barebones plot description of this mostly dreadful pilot. But, I suppose it tells you all you need to know: not to watch it.

In the nightmarish opening moments, Peter (Jake McDorman) walks down the New York street, debating whether or not he’d have sex with the women along his path. Coming from the opposite direction is Dana (Analeigh Tipton), who’s doing the same thing…with purses (she’s debating whether she’d own them, not fuck them, I think). When they pass one another, they both essentially say “Yes” to each other, and this is their unfortunate story.

Neurotic, single and “adorkable” Dana just moved to New York because of a new job. Of course, that’s not really important. What’s important is that she’s single and needs a boy, or so sayeth her evil, manipulative, yoga instructor friend/roommate Amy (Jade Catta-Preta), a character type that only exists on shitty sitcoms.

Amy’s that girl who always has to be in control, forcing her husband-or-whatever David (Nicolas Wright) to enlist his brother, who of course is Peter, to go on a date with Dana. You don’t need me to tell you that it goes terribly. Dana is a klutz with technology/everything, accidentally typing Peter Cooper into her Facebook status (a clever joke mined in Trophy Wife last year). She also calls instead of texts, and does the unbearably painful accidental text ABOUT Peter TO Peter (okay, so I’ve been there). Dana’s a mess, guys.

Whereas Peter is a ladies man who sees women as trophies, which makes sense, because he works for a company that makes trophies, a business that is BOOMING, because America loves to reward everything, not just first place, in order to celebrate mediocrity. You could say the same about Manhattan Love Story and network television, though that might be mistaken for a compliment.

Dana cries on her date, Peter makes fun of her cute list of things she wants to do in NY, and the pair have an awful, dueling stream of consciousness monologue happening in their respective heads at all times. It’s a conceit that might’ve been wonderful on How I Met Your Mother, but here, it emphasizes how little you actually want to hear these characters talk.

Peter and Dana, of course, make up, and have a moment en route to the Statue of Liberty, one of the things on Dana’s list. It’s clear the two of them will have a bumpy road, and I suppose that’s the flimsy hook of the pilot: what touristy things are these mismatched heathens going to do next in the most overseen city in America? Perhaps more importantly: will Dana conquer social media? Judging by the final moments, when she has an embarrassing encounter with her FB relationship status (a joke that would’ve felt biting in 2006), the outlook is about as bleak as this show’s prospects. The show probably won’t last, which is almost a shame, because then my spec script Toledo Love Story won’t get off the ground.

29. Bad Judge (NBC)

You’ll hate this show by the opening frame: Kate Walsh, passed out in an impossible position, wearing a leopard print bra, and shimmery sequin underwear, is jolted awake by the omnipresent alarm clock. She’s late to work, and has to pop pills incessantly to get there in time, driving an insane hippie van en route to Van Nuys Municipal Court, while awaiting the results of her pregnancy test. It’s a testament to how lame this show is, that I feel bad that Van Nuys has the unfortunate duty of taking the brunt of the setting, and Van Nuys is the cesspool of the valley.

Kate Walsh plays Judge Rebecca Wright, and she’s actually not as Bad as you think she is: she’s a slutty, messy alcoholic, sure, but she shows up, and goes well beyond her job description when it comes to helping out Robby (Theodore Barnes), a kid whose parents are in jail because Rebecca put them there. As Judge Hernandez states, “You’re a Judge, not a social worker!” but who really cares? Rebecca may have had wine and cake for breakfast, or so she says, and we’re supposed to revel in how screwed up she is, but she mostly just talks about how bad she is, than actually being bad. She saves Robby from bullies and juvie, makes a nice speech at some boring gala and has friends at the Court, while seeing through the inherent bullshit of Douglas Riller (the normally fantastic Chris Parnell), who’s on trial for having two families or something.

The show also stars Ryan Hansen (Party Down) as Gary, one of Rebecca Wright’s many hook-ups (they have sex in her chambers!). After Gary Busey, he’s her favorite Gary, clearly the one that’s supposed to stick (for the four episodes that this show will last). I think Gary Busey could make a more coherent sitcom than Bad Judge.

Bad TeacherJudge was envisioned as a female Eastbound & Down, with Adam McKay and Will Ferrell trying to spice up a show…created by Anne Heche (THE Anne Heche). What remains is a show that doesn’t know what it is, stumbling out of the gates drunkenly in high heels. Its pilot starts abruptly; I felt like I had a hangover similarly potent to Rebecca’s, not the kind of feeling I want when watching TV.

I expected to despise Bad Judge, but instead, due to its limp existence, found myself completely emotionless. Bad Judge not only lacks laughs, but a pulse. There’s some inkling of a Bad Santa-like relationship between Rebecca and Robby, and it certainly was the most tolerable part about the pilot, but to call it disjointed from the rest of the proceedings is an understatement. It didn’t mesh at all with what the show is supposed to be. Of course, I don’t know if NBC has any idea what Bad Judge is supposed to be, and I’m not going to bother finding out.

Tone Bell (…Whitney), who plays Tedward Mulray (really?), the court security officer and pigeonholed black character, remarks: “2014 is a trip.” Excuse the poor writing (it’s not like Bad Judge sets a high bar), but 2014’s Fall TV is a (bad) trip.

28. Mulaney (FOX)

Saturday Night Live writer-performer and stand-up comedian John Mulaney is talented, likable and a star seemingly perfectly suited for a TV show.

But something has gone horribly wrong with Mulaney. I was told by someone I reasonably trust that Mulaney was originally intended as a meta-sitcom hoping to lampoon the very nature of sitcoms themselves. Instead, what came out is exactly the kind of show that John Mulaney would most certainly revel in making fun of. It’s a crappy, cliche sitcom, one so bewildering and unfortunate, that I’m at a loss of what the hell I just watched.

In the show, Mulaney is a struggling stand-up comedian and writer, nervous for an interview with the pompous TV personality Lou Cannon (Martin “Life’s Too” Short “To Be Wasting His Time On This”). He, of course, gets the job, but it’s a mixed blessing because Lou sucks. While Mulaney struggles with his “dream job,” fellow comic Motif (Seaton Smith) finds himself in the zeitgeist with a new hip joke, “Problem Bitch.” Even if it doesn’t have an ending. He has an 18 hour window to come up with one, until the audience realizes they’re “laughing at nothing.” It’ll take you far less time to realize you’re doing the same thing while watching Mulaney, even with the live studio audience somehow churning out a laugh track.

Whenever I create the League of Extraordinarily Awful TV Characters, pretty much everyone on this show will compete for a spot on the hotly contested roster. Jane (Nasim Pedrad) argues convincingly that definitions of “crazy” for men and women mean entirely different things, but she justifies every bad thing a man has thought about a “crazy” woman in this episode. She’s going through a break up, so she breaks into the guy’s emails, stalks him, uprooting flowers that she planted at his apartment. She actually is INSANE. Hilarious. Andre (Zack Pearlman) is the douchiest drug dealer you could come up with, inspiring a Newman-like hatred from Mulaney and the rest of his friends. And that’s the point; the parallels between Mulaney and Seinfeld are obvious. Each episode starts up with Mulaney’s stand up, and he plays a version of himself alongside larger-than-life sitcom characters who “enliven” every scene with big entrances.

The whole show is trying too hard; John Mulaney and company seem so desperate to please, that each tired situation and joke nearly causes physical pain. Everyone is mugging for the camera as if they’re attention starved extras. It’s like watching an ill-advised sketch that isn’t working…that runs for 22 minutes. This show has Martin Short and Elliott Gould, two all-time greats. It can’t be this dire, can it?

Motif’s “joke” boils down to this: “If you don’t know the problem, you’re the problem bitch.” FOX makes an easy target as the problem bitch for a show with so many of them, but I don’t think anyone is innocent. Everyone involved with the show is the problem, bitch.

27 & 26. A to Z (NBC)/Selfie (ABC)

Both of these are grouped together for many reasons. One is so I don’t have to waste the time writing two separate entries, but mostly it’s because both shows are misguided, mostly repugnant sitcoms, wasting the efforts of truly likable people. It’s also because I watched them on the same day, about a month ago, and have blissfully forgotten most of that experience.

How does a show with Karen Gillan and John Cho elicit so much hatred? Because they happen to be in a show called Selfie. It’s an abhorrent title that has no defense, but we as a society deserve at least some of the blame for enabling a studio to even consider this a smart idea. There’s an inherent hypocrisy that “Selfie” is getting such a bad rap for a name, when almost every single one of us are taking selfies whenever possible. But at least we’re not making a TV show about it, you rightfully counter.

The title isn’t the only problem with Selfie, unfortunately. Its first half is as bad and cringe-worthy as you expect a show called Selfie to be, with Karen Gillan slutting it up and bravely becoming the world’s worst human, consumed with likes and follows, with no notion of how to be an actual person. She is the Black Hole of Suck that embodies all that’s wrong with social media. Enter John Cho, as her life coach and I’m sure her eventual love interest, except the show won’t last long enough to get there. It’s a testament to Gillan and Cho’s talents that they can SOMEHOW make the show watchable in the second half, when Gillan’s Eliza Dooley becomes less like a terrifying caricature and a living manifestation of nails on a chalkboard, and someone who just barely avoids deserving a punch in the mouth from every person she meets. It’s actually a mild miracle that could portend a dramatic turnaround a la Cougar Town, but I doubt it.

Sidenote: Is John Cho on a mission to star in every TV show on air? He had Go On, a recurring role on Sleepy Hollow, this mess, and a cush voice gig on American Dad! I guess he figures he needs about 2-3 a season to have one at any given time.

Since How I Met Your Dad didn’t happen, A to Z is the gimmicky, schmaltzy romantic sitcom that hopes to take its place, even gifted with the absolutely adorable Cristin Milioti, who somehow lived up to being the Mother on HIMYM. It also has Mad Men scene stealer Ben Feldman, the Andrew to Milioti’s Zelda (get it, A to Z?). There probably isn’t a more delightful new coupling on TV. Or so you’d think.

A to Z is a show that stars a woman I’m legitimately mad I’m not old enough, New York enough, or talented enough to have met before she was famous. The pilot features multiple Back to the Future references. I still probably won’t watch another episode.

Andrew (Feldman) and Zelda (Milioti) are perfect for each other because the Narrator (Katey Sagal doing her best Allison Janney impersonation, oddly enough) tells us in an obnoxious opener that actually “reveals” that Andrew’s a man’s man who loves sports with the boyz, while Zelda is a girl’s girl…and Andrew sings Celine Dion (who doesn’t?)…blegh. They, of course, have insanely specific shared interests, ones that can be mined for comedy and for stubborn, insistent proof that they are one another’s romantic destiny. Instead, Andrew just comes off as a creep in proving their meant to be-ness. It’s hard to make the charming Ben Feldman creepy, but A to Z manages just fine. That’s what happens when a guy tracks down concert footage to prove whether or not someone you hardly know was in attendance.

Feldman and Milioti are meant for great things, just not for each other, at least not in A to Z. Like Andrew’s character, it’s trying too hard. If it was a bit worse, and I was a curmudgeon, I’d finish this review with the painful retort: “With an entire alphabet to play with, the only letter it reaches is F.”

That’s a failing grade, y’all.

25. Red Band Society (FOX)

Because Fault of Our Stars was a YA sensation, the clear message to advertisers is this: young people love to watch young people die (I guess this is more or less true considering Hunger Games and the string of dystopian successes). But Red Band Society uses this as a shortcut to feels and tragedy, rather than earning an audience’s emotional investment.

In a hospital that has a rooftop perfect for parties, a wealthy hypochondriac recluse who lives in one of the wings and gives dope to kids (An American Werewolf in London‘s Griffin Dunne, actually giving the show a breath of funky fresh air) and attractive doctors, lives a group of kids of various socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, and diseases. They are the Red Band Society.

Octavia Spencer is a “scary bitch,” who relishes in the barista getting her name right on the coffee cup. While the cup reads scary bitch, this is Nurse Jackson, the hardened woman keeping track of all these sick kids, who also has a heart of gold. But she doesn’t want to be muffin buddies with Nurse Dobler (Rebecca Rittenhouse), whose crime is clear: she’s too nice. You made me a plate of muffins? How dare you try to befriend me, you BITCH?!

The Red Band Society comes with a mawkish monologue from coma patient Charlie (name o’ the week nominee Griffin Gluck), who speaks in “this means that” misdirection with a voice that reminds you of Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin. There’s “…the story you want people to know and the one you don’t.” “How do you tell someone who needs a heart…that she never had one to begin with?” “Luck isn’t getting what you want, it’s surviving what you don’t want.” [When you get sick, people assume] “life stops…but it’s the opposite: life starts.” We have to forgive the Hallmark/inspirational phrase-of-the-day calendar stuff, because Charlie’s speaking FROM a coma: “This is me, talking to you from a coma. Deal with it.” Okay.

Kara (Zoe Levin) is the early favorite for Worst New Character on TV: she’s a Mean Girl cheerleader who coins phrases like “niplash” and after she collapses during practice, she decides to smoke in the hospital, BLOW CIGARETTE SMOKE INTO CHARLIE’S FACE (Charlie being the coma patient), and uses Charlie’s call button to get attention. She treats the nurses like their room service: she actually orders a kale salad from Nurse Jackson. But dammit, she needs a heart transplant. Maybe I should feel bad, but mostly I felt like they were robbing me of my ability to hate this character, who deserves several volumes of text dedicated to hating her. Kara’s not going to be eligible for a heart any time soon, thanks to her wide and varied drug use seen in her toxicology report. Wah wah.

Red Band Society ladles on the sentimentality and depression in equal measures, but luckily, the show’s heart is in the right place, even if their characters may not have working ones. Eventually, being forced to feel actually works, and dammit if something wasn’t stirring when Leo (Charlie Rowe) brings the gang together, and gives them all red bands, bracelets from his various surgeries that he’s kept as horrific mementos, quoting Shakespeare’s Henry V, labeling them his band of brothers. The relationship between Leo and new roommate Jordi (Nolan Sotillo) is the show’s saving grace, as Leo turns into an unlikely mentor for a friend forced to wade through the same tragedy. On the eve of an operation that will leave Jordi minus a leg, Leo promises him: “they can never cut into your soul.”

While Red Band Society smacks of somehow translating cancer kids and their foibles into marketing money, the show still feels like it has one. A soul, that is.

24. Madam Secretary (CBS)

Is “Not Politics As Usual” the most awkward slogan ever? Or is it the title I wish this show to have? Probably both, even if this is very much…politics as usual.

The Oval Office has always needed a middle-aged mother of three. After the Secretary of State’s plane went down, Keith Carradine (joining the annals of TV Presidency) tabs Elizabeth McCord (Tea Leoni) for the job. They apparently used to work in The Company together (we’re so cool we don’t have to call it the CIA). Prepare to hear The Company more times than you care to.

She’s the “least political person” the President knows, the only one he can trust to make real change. After all: “You don’t just think outside the box, you don’t know there is a box.” How do you say no to that pitch?

Ugh. Someone at CBS said yes to this pitch, and while it has many laughable and groan-worthy moments, it’s also very…competent. Elizabeth McCord may think outside the box, but this show is constructed entirely out of boxes. There’s a conspiracy, Elizabeth relies on her skills as a Mother in matters of National Security and diplomatic peacekeeping meetings with equal aplomb, and she even has to weather a new personal stylist. Oh, politics. You’re the worst.

But this show somehow isn’t. It’s so very standard, and predictable, but it’s not bad. It’s comfort food that tries to have edge: Elizabeth has shady contacts! Tim Daly is always shady! There’s a shady death! Politics are so shady, but the show’s tactics are so familiar, that its edges only further embolden the box’s architecture.

Zeljko Ivanek has played so many government aides that it’d be weird for him NOT to be in this show. How many times do you have to play a “combative chief of staff” before he gets grandfathered into the real Oval Office?

Hilariously, Quellek of Galaxy Quest, is ALSO in this show, as the director of the CIA. Good for Patrick Breen. He doesn’t even die!

At some point in this pilot episode, a character (probably a politician), admits, “I don’t think now is the time for substance.” He/she could be talking about this show, this fall season, or network TV as a whole. It’s certainly been CBS’ politics as usual mantra and MO for years (with a few exceptions), and it’s worked for so long, because these are the kind of shows that become hits and stay on for years and years. Why do so many people settle for mediocre, “safe” TV? Because so many people are morons. But with more and more outlets for content, and so many of them outstripping the major networks, hopefully the networks will respond with something bolder than a woman in the oval office.

23. Stalker (CBS)

Kevin Williamson has forever cemented his place in my heart with Dawson’s Creek, but Stalker continues a disturbing trend of horror-shock entertainment, akin to The Following.

We open with a hooded stalker with creepy slits in his mask burning a woman alive in her car. This case is forwarded to LA’s Threat Assessment Unit, where Beth Davis (Maggie Q) and her team excel in tackling stalker cases. How To Make It In America‘s Victor Rasuk and True Blood‘s Mariana Klaveno are Detectives with the thankless duty of holding case files and introducing them, while murmuring about how capable Beth is to the new guy Jack Larsen (Dylan McDermott), who’s hired to make sure the other detectives never have to leave the office. Jack was transferred from NY to LA because he slept with his boss’ wife, he has a big personality, and basically for being everything you personify in a Dylan McDermott character. Meaning: you hate him, just like Beth does when she first meets the lout; it’s slightly clever of Stalker to play with McDermott’s inherent hate-ability even if I question their methods. He’s a smart ass who makes inappropriate jokes (he transferred to LA to meet Scarlett Johansson, presumably a stalking victim) and admits to checking out Beth’s breasts; what’s not to love? Oh, he’s also tailing a blonde woman (Angel‘s Elisabeth Rohm) with a family, potentially a devious stalker himself.

Stalker is slick (because misogyny is cool, yo), mostly well made, but do you really want to spend an hour watching men and women getting attacked? That’s just not the type of escapist entertainment I’m drawn to, and this show doesn’t posit itself as anything more than that.

During a convenient lecture, Beth Davis tells us that over 6 million people get stalked each year; that’s 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men. It’s a serious problem, one exacerbated by social media and the unparalleled access people are relenting online. You want Stalker to get into the mindsets of stalkers, to attempt to take some sort of stance, but much like The Following, it’s mostly reveling in the violence, while Stalker‘s crippled with a procedural bent on a case of the week. It doesn’t glorify stalkers like The Following seemingly did for serial killers and cults in a disturbing way, but Stalker is already walking a fine line.

Stalkers are a sticky topic: most people don’t notify the police, or when they do, they can’t prove it. This is the crux of the problem; law enforcement can’t help most of the time, a realization that has spurred Beth to take matters into her own hands, much like a vigilante. This revenge fantasy could turn the show on its head, and highlighting the problems with catching real-life stalkers almost seems important. But it certainly feels like Stalker is going to be a spotlight for creepy, over-the-top horror movie level villains. That’s the mistake Kevin Williamson and company make; they assume the greater the evil, the freakier it is. I daresay focusing on the stalkers we’d find in real life are even scarier.

San Diego Comic-Con is at a tipping point.

This was my second year at Comic-Con, so I’m by no means an expert, but I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say that SDCC has become bloated, unwieldy, daunting and to be honest, kind of miserable, at times. It’s exhausting, insane and becoming less worth it by the year. There’s enough programming, panels and events to fit over a whole month: if that happened, the result would be much like The Hunger Games. But instead, it’s all squeezed from Wednesday night to Sunday night.

This year, there were innumerable moments when I wished I was in bed and wondering why I was operating on 2 hours sleep to hear god awful fan questions (“Can I hear your Bones laugh, Emily?” THERE ARE 189 EPISODES OF BONES TO REFER TO, WOMAN), and this time I didn’t have to set up or break down a booth and work for months before the event to prepare. It was just me, and what I wanted to do. That should be enough, except it’s impossible to do exactly what you want to do at Comic-Con.

It certainly feels like Comic-Con could very well collapse in on itself, that we’re fast approaching a Ragnarokian implosion, something that might be necessary to bring the event under control. Hollywood loves a good reboot, right?

Comic-Con bills itself as for the fans, but I think that’s a naive way of looking at it. Comic-Con is a massive money-making scheme; it’s not for the fans. It’s for the studios that are using Comic-Con and us to do the marketing and word of mouth for them, taking advantage of our passion and love for these characters. Comic-Con can make or break movies. We are killing ourselves waiting in line to watch trailers a few months before we can pay 17 dollars to see them in theaters, or watch them online for free. It’s pretty silly, yet we keep doing it year after year, and feel like we got a show.

Comic-Con has become a place where Playboy has a Bates Motel-themed party. You can’t get in unless you’re somebody, and San Diego’s Gas Lamp quarter is filled with these parties with exclusive guest lists, open bars and/or covers throughout the week. Unless you’re high ranking press or a celebrity, or you’re lucky enough to win a contest, you’re not cool enough to get in, exactly the kind of thing you’d think Comic-Con shouldn’t be about.

Bless Zachary Levi and NerdHQ, who hosted a free-for-all dance party on Thursday night, and hold panels with the benefits going to a good cause. Felicia Day’s Geek & Sundry turned Jolt ‘n Joes into a lounge and party through Wednesday and Friday, open to anybody. These are the kinds of events that Comic-Con should be about, and the equivalent of Slamdance to Comic-Con’s Sundance. Every year, more and more people flock to NerdHQ instead of the Convention Center, to the point where their panels featuring Nathan Fillion, Stephen Amell and Tatiana Maslany sell out in minutes (so maybe it’s not that accessible, but at least your money goes to Operation Smile rather than 20th Century FOX). This is the future of Comic-Con.

If you asked A., who came all the way from Moscow, her face would light up, as she promised to come back to San Diego again as soon as she could afford it. She got to meet Jamie Bamber of Battlestar Galactica, happy to pay his signing fee (even knowing it was irresponsible), and raved nonstop about John Barrowman’s hilarious panel. She also got to walk in to Hall H to see the hunks of Supernatural on Sunday, when many of us were too tired to give a fuck.

Al. flew all the way from Kitchener, Canada, and spent Friday night in line just to see The Hobbit panel, and left before Marvel and the rest of the fanfare. She came with her Mom and sister, who were happy to sleep in the hotel. I got the sense that she was drawn to San Diego for the experience, and wanted to live it, rather than needing to be in Hall H, or obsessed with the shows and movies many of us spent hours talking about while we waited.

D. has been going to Comic-Con for 8 years straight, ever since she moved to San Diego. She lives and breathes it, and coordinates line waiting with her friends, and was in Hall H every night save Thursday, when she only got in line at 5 AM before the 10 AM panels.

If there’s one upside to the lines, its making friends with who you’re stuck with. You meet people from all over the world, people who share many of the same interests as you, and will also pound mercilessly at you for the shows and movies you haven’t seen (do I really have to watch The 100?). Everyone’s different, but we’re all the same, wondering incessantly if we’re going to get into Ballroom 20 or Hall H, and debating how many in the cast will show up for the panel. Many complained, but still others accepted their fate, and were happy to camp outside.

Everyone is going to have a different experience and that is part of the beauty that remains of Comic-Con. Some people camped out to get into Hall H all four nights, and will do the same until they have crippling back injuries, and that’s worth it to them (many I think do it out of imaginary obligation, wanting to prove how much they care about a movie or show or movie star; the longer you wait in line, the bigger Walking Dead fan you are). Some actually go to San Diego to see their favorite comic book writers and artists. Whoa. Many just like to dress up, as Cosplay is an industry and sub-society on its own (and it’s wonderful). Others just want to take in the spectacle, to be where the party’s at. I wonder how many even get in; there were these two elderly women who somehow got seats in Hall H on Saturday, and looked blankly at me when I told them Marvel was up next (“What’s that?”). Seriously?

I love catching the various pilots, months before they come out, discovering the next hit shows before everyone else. The 12 year old who still resides in me who discovered Kevin Smith movies was delighted to see the man himself rejuvenated creatively, and talking excitedly about his next trilogy of movies. I got goosebumps and teary eyed watching and singing along to Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s “Once More With Feeling” in a jam-packed room of Whedon worshipers, as Nicholas Brendon ran up to the stage to sing Xander’s songs with the rest of us, something he’s done for the past four years. That is the power and magic of Comic-Con, that still lives and breathes in corners of the Convention Center. You just have to know where to look for it.

Look, I love this stuff. I check EW, io9, Deadline, Variety, et all, ALL DAY, to the detriment of everything else I should be doing. I love following pop culture news, whether it’s casting, sequels, new films, what brand of shoes Oliver Queen will be wearing. But sometimes, enough is enough, and the negative outweighs the positive, and I think that’s what has transpired with Comic-Con.

I love the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but it’s emphasis on the overarching story, and the end credit sequences, and WHAT COMES NEXT, while addictive and something I’m so hard for, puts the onus on release dates, future events, with the story and content in the actual movies almost an after thought, the entree when we prefer the appetizers, dessert and Easter eggs. To be clear, Captain America: The Winter Soldier is the best film in the entire MCU (or right up there with Iron Man and Avengers), and it’s the most recent, but once we’ve seen the end credits, our discussion inevitably leads to what’s coming next, rather than what we just saw. That is Comic-Con in a nutshell; it feels like we’re James Woods perpetually scurrying after another piece of candy.

We’re paying tons of money for advertising. We’re waiting in line to see cast and crew promise vague greatness (“No show is like _____,” “Anything can happen on ______,” “Nobody is safe on ______”) or worse, pat their backs for a season well done (“Oh my god, can we talk about _____?”). We’re dooming our legs to a perpetual state of falling asleep so we can hear everyone toe the line when it comes to spoilers or providing any sort of useful information. “You know as much as I do [nothing],” “That’s up to the writers/producers/conglomerates to share,” “I can’t answer that, can I?” or “You’ll have to tune in to find out.” or “Insert masturbatory phrasing here.” The whole thing is decidedly masturbatory.

There’s the bizarre “we just started shooting/haven’t started shooting yet so we don’t really have any footage” dance that is played at EVERY panel, which is followed by groans and cries of protest, like we actually believe them, every time, until Zack Snyder/whomever relents, smiles/winks and says…”BUT here’s a little something.” Then we freak out, clap and are ready for what’s next, rinse, repeat.

The exhibit hall is a paradise, but that paradise has become overrun, like a Heaven with no standards, as you jostle through crowds to buy overpriced Comic-Con exclusives and things you don’t need, while hoping you don’t piss off Lou Ferrigno. It’s nerd Christmas, if everyone was trying to get their hands on the Turbo Man doll. You can meet Evangeline Lily, but you’ll have to sacrifice the entire day to do it.

George Miller and the Mad Max series is great (and Fury Road looks AWESOME), but his arrival into Hall H, and the reboot of Mad Max was marketed and promoted as something that we owed him for, that we needed to worship this legendary man making his first Comic-Con appearance. Even The Hobbit panel, which rightfully celebrated Peter Jackson and company’s extraordinary achievements with LOTR and The Hobbit trilogy, reeked of self-congratulation.

To get into Hall H on Saturday so I could see George Miller, Peter Jackson and the WB, Legendary and Marvel’s panels, I had to get in line at 9:15 PM the night before. And I barely got in, limping into the auditorium five minutes before the first panel, so I can watch these actors on the big screen (I have a better view of baseball players from the Upper Deck than the actors on the stage, oftentimes), no different than if I was watching the panels in the Playback room later on in the day.

It’s impossible to live up to the hype, to be worth the wait. Forget even the 13 hour over night wait. Many of us have been waiting all year for this, setting up impossible expectations. What do we even want to see? My imagination runs rampant for the entire month preceding it, dreaming up wild scenarios where a CGI’d James Spader struts onstage as Ultron, and if not Benedict Cumberbatch or Joaquin Phoenix as Dr. Strange, that I walk up in the red cloak, announced as the new Sorcerer Supreme. Short of Black Panther, Doctor Strange and Ms. Marvel green-lit, with the stars announced and in person/costume, a small part of me was going to be disappointed by whatever Marvel does, and they consistently put on the best show of all. I was astounded by the awesome Avengers: Age of Ultron footage we did see, and loved seeing the cast of Avengers together on stage, as excited as we all were. It truly is a treasure to see your favorite actors in person, to see how funny, charming, cute, nervous and real they are, to see the other side of a character you consider family and friend. But aside from a Guardians of the Galaxy 2 announcement that hardly felt surprising, the whole proceedings were short on news.

Plus, almost all of the sneak peaks, trailers, gag reels and previews are online as soon as we see it. There’s something to be said for seeing it first in an unparalleled atmosphere, with the stars present, surrounded by people who love and cherish these things as much as you do, but I couldn’t help but feel miffed that I could’ve watched everything save the Avengers footage from the comfort of my bedroom. And even the latter could be seen if I wanted to support the scumbags who record grainy footage on their phone/camera and post it on YouTube. I realize I sound like a cranky old man, especially to those who have never been to Comic-Con, but sometimes the fiction is better than the reality.

But I’m a sucker, and if I’m lucky enough to get press access again next year, I’ll be doing this stressful dance again, because I still feel like I’ll be missing something if I don’t. But will I? Even so, I’m going to do it a lot differently. I think I can say goodbye to Hall H, and follow along on Twitter and YouTube like the rest of the world, while getting to see some of the smaller movies and TV shows before they get into Hall H, like Sleepy Hollow, Orphan Black, Intruders, Vikings and Outlander the past couple of years. Or maybe I’ll even go to some comic book panels. What a radical idea.

It’s Saturday. Hall H. I made it. Don’t want to talk about the ordeal.

Chris Hardwick is moderating, as Marty McFly. Yeah, that’s a great omen.

We startin’ with Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Shiiit. We get a brief intro with some gritty concept art.

Zack Snyder comes to the stage. Shooting now…have “teeny little thing” to show us. Gross.

What do we get? We get a bulked up, beefy Batman, with LED eye balls, very DKR style, turning on the bat signal on top of the rainy Gotham city. Then we see the Bat signal up into the rainy, dark Gotham skyline, with Superman staring back at him, his eyes glowing red. He’s pissed.

Then Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill and Gal Gadot come out, wave, look badass. Then we see the clip again, and the stars and Snyder disappear.

Oh also, they revealed Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman, which I somehow missed at the time:

Next up…JUPITER ASCENDING

Channing Tatum to the stage to talk about Jupiter Ascending. Tatum will walk on the floor in a mask, says he’ll be Chewbacca. Hardwick suggested he take his clothes off and do Magic Mike cosplay.

Then we get an extended batshit crazy trailer, with a TON going on. So many ships, aliens, so much action. The dreadnought-y ship in particular looks incredible. Channing mentions how wacky the Watchowski brothers are and what weird things they did, and it’s clear everything is happening in this movie, for better or for worse. I’ll say I’m more excited to see it now than I was before, but that’s probably the collective euphoria of us all being here.

MAD MAX!

Charlize Theron is shooting in South Africa, but does an apology video intro, talking about how she won the lottery to work with George Miller and work on this movie. Then we get a Mad Max revue of the old trilogy, trumpeting George Miller, and telling us to welcome the director to the stage.

We do get to see a quick nugget of Fury Road, with tons of vehicles, drums, and massive rocks in the way of a very large, sandy procession. Looks sweet.

It came off fairly arrogant, but he can do that, and he melts us when he admits this is his first comic-con, and Chris Hardwick photographs him in front of us all to show to his family.

Fury Road didn’t have a script, it had 3,500 storyboards, much like a comic book. Not a lot of dialogue in the movie; they only speak when they have to. That’s pretty awesome.

Takes place 45 years in the future; like Westerns, very “spare.” Miller loves wrecking cars.

There’s a Mel Gibson joke about how he literally turned into Mad Max.

George Miller revisited Mad Max because he couldn’t get the story out of his head. Also helped for Tom Hardy to come along.

Compares Tom Hardy to a big wild animal: don’t know what he’s doing next.

How has George Miller’s life experience since the last movies informed the new movie? Miller almost doesn’t remember how he made the first movies, working off instinct and gut.

FOOTAGE: We get a very long trailer that displays a beautiful, visually arresting film. Endless number of vehicles, car crashes, Tom Hardy in a mask (as usual), Charlize with black makeup on half her face and perhaps a prosthetic arm, Nicholas Hoult being crazy, a white-haired big teethed villain who looks terrifying. There’s a behemoth of a tornado. Tons of sand. Looks great.

HERE IT IS:

Apparently this is the movie that looks as close to what he imagined in his head.

The film is a chase, and closest to Mad Max 2: Road Warrior in style and content.

Fury Road comes out in May 2015, and looks worth the 30 year wait.

Immortan Joe is played by Hugh Keays-Byrne, who was Toecutter in the original films.

Hardwick cedes the stage to something cooler than he is. Hall H is the highlight of his year, and will be back. Farewell Chris!

Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies is up next. We get a clip of all of the movies, and finish with Stephen Colbert in Laketown garb, as one of the Bard’s many spies in the city.

AND…Stephen Colbert is moderating the panel, in his LOTR costume. It’s clear he’s a massive geek for the books and Middle-Earth, and remarks that he wishes he could show video of this to his thirteen year old self.

Colbert unleashes a wonderful soliloquy about Peter Jackson and the first set of movies and how it surpassed all expectations. His only complaint was that the movies were too short.

Clip time. And it’s an incredible never before seen set of blooper reel, with Star Wars references, Colbert’s cut scene in the film, a Ian McKellan/Gandalf strip tease and dance with some white tighties that is probably the best thing the world has ever seen. We see a lot of Ian flubbing lines, Martin Freeman having trouble with keys. It’s hilarious.

While no Martin Freeman or Ian McKellan, pretty much everyone else is here: Lee Pace, PJ, Philippa Boyens, Evangeline Lily, Luke Evans, Elijah Wood, Benedict Cumberbatch, Orlando Bloom and Cate Blanchett. Oh and Andy Serkis.

Peter Jackson is still working on the movie.

Many have never met, because scenes were separate.

Originally pitched LOTR as two movies: The Hobbit as one, and LOTR has another. Ha.

Colbert points out that Jackson owes them six more movies, becaue he stretched Hobbit to three.

Colbert to Wood: Why don’t you age? Elijah was 18 when he made Fellowship, and as Colbert asserts, is still 18.

Jackson comments that probably everyone in the room knows the ending of Hobbit. Happy to kill off some characters. Films are progressively dark.

What do they wish they could’ve included? Old Forest and Tom Bombadil. Didn’t have casting ideas, but apparently Cate Blanchett was always on their wish list for Galadriel, which is a less cool nugget.

Oh, Graham McTavis/Dwalin is here too. He argues the whole journey is about finding a female dwarf. Feels outnumbered by elven compatriots on the panel. Graham is 6’3”. Some dwarf.

Luke knew how to shoot a bow before he got the role, but got intense when he arrived on set.

Apparently Cate played Bard the Bowman in a high school production of The Hobbit. PJ promises Galadriel loses it in the next one, and gets to kick Sauron’s ass.

Stephen Colbert and Philippa Boyens did a trivia duel, and Colbert won. Colbert’s wife told Philippa afterward that it was the best day of his life. Colbert unleashes the Goldberry poem and is slaying.

When Colbert, wife and two kids went to New Zealand, felt like he should never leave.

Dominic Monaghan, Elijah and Orlando had e-mail chain a couple days ago discussing getting New Zealand residency.

Elijah Wood has still never read the books. Colbert asks if he knows how to read. He did read The Hobbit as a kid.

When Evangeline Lily read the books as a kid, she was in love with the story and loves Tolkien. She stopped Return of the King 25 pages shy because she never wanted the story to end, and she still hasn’t read those pages. Kinda awesome. Colbert: You’ve never looked more attractive. Totally.

Serkis thought he was going to go back to normal acting after 2003, and then Jackson asked him to play King Kong. Changed everything. Colbert calls Serkis the Lon Chaney of the digital age, which is a fantastic reference/good call.

Then we get the world premiere of the teaser trailer, and it’s wonderful. Has a great song (Enya?), some Galadriel/Gandalf lovin’, Smaug destruction, the armies coming together. It’s now released:

Apparently Cate didn’t wear underwear, because that’s the elf thing to do.

Hoping to do a LOTR museum some day, been holding onto the stuff/costumes. Um, cool. Jackson has many of the sets in warehouses, like Misty Mountains, Minas Tirith, etc. Wants people to see them some day.

Lily: I know how sexy a big, pointy ear can be.

Fan question time, which means Button Lady asks Benedict to say Button Lady in his Smaug voice. He rules, but still, ask better things.

There’s an awful question about where they would go in Comic-Con as they’re characters. Andy Serkis saves it because he answers it in character, debating between Smeagol and Gollum, revealing that he wants to go back stage with Stephen Colbert and figure out what’s in his cloak. It’s bliss.

Truly dumb questions right now.

Apparently there are a few scenes that have STILL not been seen on the Extended Edition LOTR movies.

FAN CONTEST: Get trip to New Zealand to see Middle-Earth, the movie before everyone else with Peter Jackson. Um, sign up: TheHobbitFanContest.com. 75 winners, with a companion. Announce two winners on the spot right now, so down to 73.

After screening the trailer again, Chris Hardwick arrives to take another photo, this time with Stephen Colbert. His twitter is gonna explode.

Optional Music Accompaniment: The theme to the X-MEN animated series. On repeat. 

I’ve always been a man defined by his hobbies and obsessions, whether it be Ninja Turtles, baseball, Beanie Babies, Star Wars, fantasy sports, or TV. From 2000 to 2007, my Northstar was comic books, and I’d argue, was the most important hobby I ever had, irrevocably changing how I view pop culture and discovering what kind of stories and worlds and characters that I love.

I’m a devourer of superhero-related pop culture, someone whose calendar is dictated by big movie releases or TV premieres. My consumption of sci-fi, fantasy and comics has paralleled the incredible rise to prominence that these genres have imprinted on our culture. I like to think I had something to do with it all, because the timing is uncanny (sorry).

But without the original X-MEN, the superhero film that in many ways, started it all, we might never have seen a world where comic book heroes are the most popular characters in the world, where movie theaters are filled with the biggest characters from our youth, or the most eclectic. ANT-MAN is going to have his own movie, and that’s not weird. That’s exciting. The best filmmakers and actors in the world do some of their best work bringing to life characters that we grew up so urgently pretending they were real. Perhaps even without X-MEN, another movie would’ve sparked a superhero renaissance, an age when Captain America or Iron Man shares equal footing (or towers above) James Bond, Sherlock Holmes, Darth Vader and Indiana Jones. But maybe we’d still be waiting for AVENGERS. Or JUSTICE LEAGUE, because the punch line writes itself.

X-MEN’s success led to Sam Raimi getting his hands on SPIDER-MAN, and that paved the way for Christopher Nolan to reboot BATMAN, and for all of our movie going lives to change forever. It certainly mutated mine (oops).

If I hadn’t seen X-MEN, or if it hadn’t had a profound impact on me, I might not have been as invested in the incredible fantasy world that we geeks live in today. When the film came out in 2000, I had never read a comic book before. I was aware of them, having spent most of my money on MAGIC: THE GATHERING, POKEMON and baseball cards at Bigfoot’s Cards & Comics (now and forever closed ). I think I knew I’d like them, but I didn’t know if I was ready to fully commit to my nerd-dom, or admit to myself that that was the path I was going down. I was an extremely shy person back then, and not at all comfortable in my own skin, preferring to shield my personality from other people.

I was also a fairly accomplished baseball player at the time (but I was only 12, so that means nothing), and I’m not sure if I was able to reconcile the two worlds together. Being a LORD OF THE RINGS geek on your baseball team in 2000 was a hard sell, and I don’t think it’s an accident that my playing days became more frustrating, difficult and fewer and far between once I embraced comic books and the like. I wish I had juggled the two better (one of my bigger regrets), but I wasn’t very good at managing my obsessions.

When Bryan Singer, a director known for THE USUAL SUSPECTS, took on X-MEN, and brought it into theaters in 2000, I was more than familiar with the X-MEN. Like almost everyone in my generation, I had grown up on the awesome aforementioned cartoon. Jubilee was the worst, Cyclops was lame, the Phoenix Saga was fucking great, etc. I would’ve told you Wolverine was my favorite character (revel in his best quotes, though none top “JEEAANNNNNNN”), but I probably secretly believed Beast to be my fave, since he was the most Donatello-like of the mutant brigade.

Every summer, I’d go with my family to visit Granny in North Lake Tahoe. After a day spent on the beach (likely playing “amazing catches,” a forced childish version of ESPN’s Web Gems with a splash ball), we’d often play a round or two of miniature (don’t call it pee wee) golf at Magic Carpet Golf. While there were many highlights of the experience (including some shooting game that featured a terrifying cowboy/drunk that shot water and hollered at you), I was never satisfied until AFTER I got done in the Arcade Room. Why? Because they had the X-MEN Arcade Game. Magic Carpet was probably one of two places I’ve ever seen it, or played it (until very recently, it was still there; now my childhood is dead).

While I loved playing as Wolverine (in his spectacular brown and tan/yellow duds that need to make it on film) and Nightcrawler (also one of my faves; I wasn’t too creative in my choices), Colossus was the true breakout character of that game in my mind. I would play him the most, and would yell “Hyogen” to emulate the yell Piotr Rasputin makes when he explodes/whatever the fuck he does to destroy all competition. For awhile I think I just figured his name was Hyogen, and that became a talking point with my father for years (he’ll still say it). I shouted Hyogen around the house well after I should’ve stopped, and am still a little upset how awful my ears were, since my approximation of his yell left a lot to be desired in translation:

I like Hyogen better, but there’s a lot to be said for MAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGH. Or maybe it’s WHOOOOOOOOREE. One of life’s greatest mysteries.

All of this was a long-winded, rambling way to say that I had been primed, and ready for the moment a young Erik Lehnnsherr mangled barb-wire fence at a Nazi internment camp to open X-MEN, and tearing down the barrier to comics and genre in my life forever.

I was thrilled to discover the absolute perfect Wolverine on screen, perhaps the best unknown casting of all-time. One of the biggest travesties of the constant missteps of the X-franchise after X2 has been wasting a willing, loyal and brilliant Hugh Jackman in his prime on a bunch of shitty movies. That, more than anything, is why we need X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST to be awesome, and why I’m totally fine that Wolverine’s role in the film is beefed up. There’s only so much longer that Hugh Jackman can do this, and like Robert Downey Jr. with Iron Man, I want to see as much of him as possible in the role that made us love him.

While Anna Paquin’s Rogue was annoying, I still loved Wolverine and Rogue’s relationship. Patrick Stewart. Ian McKellan. Most associate P-Stew with Captain Picard, or McKellan with Gandalf. This is likely heresy/wrong, but for me, they’ll always be Professor X and Magneto, as X-MEN was my first introduction to them as actors that stuck, and physical evidence that true love exists.

You could go on an on about what’s wrong with the X-MEN movies (Toad, Storm, Rogue, the bazillion plotholes and timeline inconsistencies), but it doesn’t matter. In 2000, when I saw X-MEN for the first time as a 12 year old, it changed my life.

X-MEN was my Gateway drug into comic books. The next week I was in Bigfoot’s, buying comics for the first time. Since that moment, I’ve listened to Joe Quesada or some other boner talk about how these movies try to get kids to read comic books countless times, and they always seem so desperate and laughable, but with X-MEN, the tactic worked.

While the first comic book character and series I fell in love with based on the merit of the character and the writing was GREEN ARROW, thanks to Kevin Smith and Phil Hester’s genius resurrection of Oliver Queen, they weren’t the first comics I ever read.

That would be X-MEN #110-113 and UNCANNY X-MEN #392-393, a unique and interesting period of X-Men comics that people would prefer to forget.

Somehow, Scott Lobdell’s “Eve of Destruction” arc didn’t ruin comic books for me forever. At the time, tt was seen as the last big crossover between the X-titles, while simultaneously being “filler” before Grant Morrison and Joe Casey (blergh) took over the flagship books for Marvel and revolutionized the mutants (one of them did). I honestly don’t remember Eve of Destruction in the slightest, except for their covers (and the brilliant song Lobdell was referencing), which is probably for the best. I do remember being kind of bummed out that Hyogen/Colossus had just died (sacrificing himself to save mutant kind from the Legacy Virus), right when I was started reading. Figures. Of course, years later, Joss Whedon would prove perhaps for the first time that he would always have my back, resurrecting my Arcade fave in ASTONISHING X-MEN.

Pretty soon, I was spending all of my allowance and savings on comic books, broadening out to AVENGERS, FANTASTIC FOUR, JUSTICE LEAGUE, and in a couple years, onto Vertigo titles like FABLES and Y: THE LAST MAN that really showed me the kind of diverse storytelling that could take place in a medium that I had always thought was devoted solely to masked heroes and villains.

When I was first delving in, I craved more. I wanted to talk about them, I wanted to pretend like I knew what I was talking about, and I wanted to meet other people like me. That’s when I found the Marvel message boards, and stumbled upon a world of role playing, constant threads filled with silly arguments debating your dream X-MEN team, or what mutant powers you wish you had, or who you’d want to fuck, along with various get to know you games with nerds of all shapes, sizes and ages. My moniker was DrDoom2099; to this day, I’ve never read a comic book with the 2099 version of Doctor Doom. Very soon, I had created my own message board called Comic Castle, that brought with it several iterations, a lot of wasted time, and a few long time members and friends.

One of whom was ShadowWolf214, or David Youngblood, a name you might recognize. He writes about owls and Red Pandas on this very site, and mind-bloggingly does so without any encouragement from me. 13-14 years after I first met him on the Marvel message boards and talked to him on AIM, I probably text David more than I do my Mom, Dad or best friends that I actually see on a consistent basis. David has been my nigh constant online companion ever since I learned to stop worrying and love the genre, and the bizarre, incredible, and life-giving worlds that that has opened up. In many ways, because he was so much older (it’s a one year difference, but it seemed/seems like a decade of difference when I was 12) and had been reading comics for longer, he kind of clued me in on what to read and what to shit on, until I was able to stand on my two feet in the comics community (I don’t know if I ever did). Whenever the other watches a new show, or movie, we’re likely the first to know about it, or receive a snarky comment. We practically have a symbiotic relationship when it comes to pop culture, and there are few people I trust more than him when it comes to recommendations.

It’s one of the weirder and cooler friendships and stories I’ve had the good fortune to stumble upon. I “met” David when I was 12 years old (though we both lied about our ages for at least a year or so), and we both stunningly turned out to be who we said we were, and kept in contact long enough to the point where it wasn’t weird when we finally met. I went to his wedding in August of 2012, finally meeting David and learning his disturbing predilection for chicken fingers in person for the first time. Here I was, the night before his wedding, crashing on his couch. It was surreal, kinda awkward, yet undeniably wonderful to be chatting about THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, THE DARK KNIGHT RISES and PROMETHEUS with David and his drunk friends during the most important days of his life.

It’s reassuring to have someone in your life that not only knows you and has your back, but loves all the same things you do. It’s creepy/insane how similar David and I are in our pop culture consumption. He will get all the jokes, all the references. And that all came, in part, because of Bryan Singer’s first X-MEN. Without seeing it, I would have 100% less dragon socks, Edward James Olmos t-shirts and people to talk Agent 355 with, things no one should live without.

Before I became comfortable waving around my hobbies, and personality for all to see (which came in senior year of high school and college), the Marvel message boards were the first lifeline to who I really was. Nowadays, I don’t care what other people think about the weird or girly or nerdy things I like (MARY POPPINS, DAWSON’S CREEK, etc.), and am in fact proud of it, since I never shut up about them.

But without the Marvel Messageboards, and discovering the internet as this bastion of reflection, discussion and access to knowledge and people I’d never be able to meet in Edmonds, WA when I was in middle school, I never would’ve made Comic Castle or discovered things that truly inspired me. I might never would’ve written about comics, movies and the things I love, and without that, I don’t know if I ever would’ve realized how much I like not just writing online, but writing in general.

You could make the argument that seeing X-MEN was the most impactful thing that happened to me in my childhood, aside from a non-serious car accident that happened to me when I was 15 that robbed me of my license for a year and inadvertently introduced me to DAWSON’S CREEK, or not making the baseball team my freshman year of High School. Oh, and being loved and raised by a pair of wonderful parents, I guess.

While X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST has the potential to be awful, and I’ve kind of held my expectations in check because of that, I’m optimistic. It’s actually snuck up on me how happy and ecstatic I am to see this crazy ballsy sequel/prequel/reboot/eraser fourteen years later, with Bryan Singer back in the saddle.

Maybe afterwards, I’ll find myself wandering right back into a comic shop, ready to restart the addiction. What’s Scott Lobdell doing these days?

YE BE WARNED: ARROW 2×20 SPOILERS AHEAD, MATEY.

I have never read any of The Flash’s comics. Frankly, the only thing I ever knew about The Flash was that he had a red costume with a lightning bolt and was part of the DC Universe. But that didn’t stop me from Googling until I could Google no more when ARROW made the announcement that they would introduce The Flash during Season 2 to promote his Fall 2014 spin-off. As expected, the comicfans already can’t stand the actor [Grant Gustin] that’s been cast, and although I think he’s the most precious of all the adorables I can totes understand why others may not be thrilled. However my big (and really my only) problem with this situation is: Is it really necessary for another superhero show?

SMALLVILLE, bless its heart, lasted for ten seasons. It was a fantastic run of a [mostly] wonderful show (seasons 6 & 7 did drag quite a bit) and when it ended you felt really good about it. Maybe a little shaky about the resistance and ultimate denial of giving the audience one look at Superman in all his spandex-glory, but confident that Clark Kent was moving on to do great things.

Now, with the emergence of superhero and comic-film branding taking over cinema, the push to bring our heroes to the small screen is growing, and fast. With ARROW debuting last year, it had a pretty slow start but thankfully has blossomed into a show that’s found its feet with a great cast of colorful characters (no thanks to the Lance Ladies), and such deliciously tormented villains that you can’t help but (SPOILERS!) mourn the murder of Mrs. Moira Queen. A believable blend of humans, science and super-powers, ARROW does not leave you wanting. Thus far we’ve had a phenomenal introduction of so many heroes and villains including Deadshot, the Black Canary, Sebastian Blood, Huntress/Helena Bertinelli and let’s never forget the terrifying Clock King (Robert Knepper is the MAN).

ARROW, in combination with AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (as much as possible, anyway) has fulfilled my necessary addictions to superhero drama while I [im]patiently await the next big-budget-blockbuster to come smashing into theatres (I also have a tendency to re-watch films many, many times over which does wonders for the cravings). But now, with the addition of both GOTHAM and THE FLASH hitting our idiot-boxes this fall [Ed. Note: Not to mention POWERS, HEROES 2.0, Marvel’s DEFENDERS, CONSTANTINE, maybe PEGGY CARTER, PREACHER, HOURMAN], I have to wonder when enough will be enough. Now I love super-heroes as much as any nerd, but having them forced on me from every direction is going to wear out its welcome real soon.

For now folks can’t get enough of these caped crusaders, but just like the vampire obsession that’s finally coming to a close after damn near 10 years, pretty soon it’s going to start feeling like we’re beating a dead horse. We’ve got superheroes in movies, on TV, in comics and graphic novels, what’s next? Are we going to start doing radio-spots and audio productions?

Honestly, it almost feels like I’m betraying myself by saying “Enough superheroes!” but the more the studios capitalize on them, the less special they become. Fifteen years ago it was a huge, monumental moment in a geek’s life that the X-Men were getting a live-action film, and now the studios will produce anything they can get their hands on (unless it’s a super-heroine, of course.) Yes, we love the AVENGERS and X-MEN franchises, Nolan’s BATMAN was a trilogy to stop the heart, and I think that with a little (or a lot) more love Snyder’s SUPERMAN could be a fearsome thing to behold… But do we really need every hero ever to get their own show or movie? Where do we draw the line?

Of course I’m going to watch all these new hero shows and I probably couldn’t stop myself from seeing all the upcoming movies even if I tried, but my logic-brain is feeling overwhelmed, angry and disappointed that instead of picking and choosing the best of the best to breathe life into, we’re giving away studio money to characters that don’t really need it. The Flash may be an interesting, dynamic character, but I’m not convinced that he needs his own show. Would I feel differently if that spot was being given to Poison Ivy or any of the four versions of Huntress? Probably, yes. That show would be something new, exciting and courageous; something that people wouldn’t be expecting or even really know that they wanted until it happened [Ed. Note: WB’s BIRDS OF PREY did happen, unfortunately]. It wouldn’t be just another superhero television series, but an introduction to a new breed of comic adaptation that we haven’t seen standing alone in 25 years: namely, the female kind.

But really, the issue here is not about gender of character, it’s about the fact that superheroes are becoming a dime-a-dozen instead of the rare gem they should be, and it’s time to pump the brakes, hang up the cape, and get back to producing original (or just non-comic) media for a little while. It may not be a surefire money-maker, but a little deprivation will go a long way in reinvigorating that crack-cocaine, uncontrollable need for our leather-clad lovers to get back into their suits.

Toss the needle and flush the drugs, y’all. Let’s all take a deep breath (but please don’t hold it) and revisit this superfad of superheroes in a few years’ time.

For many hardcore fans, the big ticket item for the first day of WonderCon 2014 was the world premiere of Son of Batman, a film adaptation of Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert’s 2006 comic book that gives us Damien Wayne’s origin story.

Son of Batman is stunningly DCU’s 20th original film, and the second featuring new Batman voice Jason O’Mara (Life on Mars, Terra Nova).

As the lights dim, and the movie begins, one devout DC fan shouts “Marvel sucks,” which is just silly. But, it is clear that the animation realm is where DC excels, and Son of Batman is no exception, as we get some stunning, Japanese inspired animation to tell the story of one of the more divisive heroes in the DC universe.

We open on the League of Shadows fortress, with Ra’s Al Ghul (Breaking Bad and Revolution‘s Giancarlo Esposito) promising the League to his grandson Damien. That would be Damien Wayne, a love child between Talia Al Ghul (Firefly and Homeland‘s Morena Baccarin) and Bruce Wayne (the aforementioned Jason O’Mara), one that Talia has until now, kept secret from the Bat. Within moments, the League is attacked, as a ton of agents and helicopters rain down on the stronghold, showering the League assassins in bullets. Since no other League member is worth their salt, its up to Talia and Ra’s to fight back against hundreds of faceless villains. Sheer numbers and firepower win out, and it doesn’t hurt that the enemy is led by one Slade Wilson (Thomas Gibson) AKA Deathstroke AKA DC’s new favorite antihero. In Son of Batman, he’s all evil. We’re blessed with a brief fight between Ra’s and Deathstroke, that’s interrupted by a massive rocket taking down the building, incinerating Ra’s al Ghul in the process.

That’s when Damien springs to action, and it’s clear that having the DNA of Ra’s Al Ghul, Talia and Bruce Wayne is nice to have, as he cuts through Deathstroke’s army like butter, and even goes toe to toe with Slade himself, taking out his eye in one of the first moments that elicited unbridled cheers from the audience. Deathstroke flees, but the damage is done: Ra’s al Ghul is unable to make it to the Lazarus Pits before finally succumbing to death (though I still doubt it). This leaves a power vacuum at the top of the League of Shadows, one that Deathstroke intends to fill.

After the tragedy, Black WidowTalia decides it’s time to tell Bruce that he has an annoying, hyper-violent, maybe psychotic, defiant tween. Talia comes to Bruce, reveals the truth, and literally sails away on a boat seconds later, leaving Batman to take care of his seed. It plays out like a sitcom, which is hilarious. Damien sets the tone of their early relationship when he comments: “I thought you’d be taller.” He also thought the Bat Cave would be bigger, and calls the Robin outfit insipid and never wastes a second in ridiculing the garish outfit. Of course, fans will know that he’ll soon wear it himself, because he’s a young kid in Batman’s care. That’s just what happens.

Meanwhile, Dr. Kirk Langstrom (Being Human‘s Xander Berkeley) is hard at work on a breakthrough, clearly under conscription by Ra’s al Ghul. Now his deal shifts to Deathstroke…who’s not as forgiving, and kidnaps his family as leverage, because that always brings out the best work in scientists. Comic book or cartoon fans will know that Kirk Langstrom comes to be known as Man-Bat. In this film, he makes a slew of them, and a Bat-Gorilla, which is as ridiculous as it sounds.

Damien’s arrival obviously puts a crimp in Batman’s style, but luckily Alfred (David McCallum) is there to make wry, sarcastic and dry remarks. He’s none too pleased by Damien’s demeanor and trying attitude either. Every quip Alfred makes is pure comedic genius. It’s a shame that he doesn’t deliver every line. Damien’s intent on getting revenge on Deathstroke, to avenge his grandfather’s death, but Batman, of course, preaches the whole “no death” thang, putting the pair at odds, as they try to take on Deathstroke and Dr. Langstrom’s horde of medical monstrosities.

The movie is filled with appearances by other significant Bat-characters, including fan-favorite Nightwing (Firefly‘s Sean Maher), who’s used as a get out of jail free card throughout, along with a few brief glimpses at the villains you’d expect to fill up Arkham, and several others I don’t want to spoil.

There are some awesome sequences, a few missed opportunities (they skip over a Nightwing/Damien fight), but thanks to beautiful artwork, way too many gratuitous shots of Talia’s cleavage, great voice acting and a solid story, Son of Batman doesn’t disappoint in bringing Damien Wayne to celluloid for the first time. While Damien’s abilities made him seem more like the son of Superman, I suppose that’s par for the course for a cartoon hero.

Son of Batman arrives on HD stream April 22nd. Order it here. The DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack arrives May 6th, and can be pre-ordered from Amazon.

After a fairly crowded arena at WonderCon witnessed the world premiere of DCU’s newest animation confection, Son of Batman, we were also treated to a Q&A with some of the brilliant talent involved in the production. That means James Tucker, the DCU “super” producer, director Ethan Spaulding, heralded animator Phil Bourassa, casting director and voice actor guru Andrea Romano, actor Xander Berkeley (who plays Kirk Langstrom in the film), Firefly star Sean Maher (Nightwing), Stuart Allen (Damien) and Jason O’Mara (Batman).

Let’s dive in.

The film is rated PG-13, and it’s filled with blood, cleavage, and a sperm donor line. Tucker “can’t find the line,” he’s unable to cross with the ratings system, and wants to give the audience bang for their buck, upping the stakes for the film. Blood, cleavage and sperm are what every fan wants. Proof:

Son of Batman is based on a comic book of the same name by Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert, and Tucker was asked what the difficulties were in adaptation, and the choices they made. They clearly made changes, and took liberties with the story, as they “had room to adapt,” though it was difficult, because it couldn’t be 20 hours long.

It was Jason O’Mara’s second time as the new voice actor for Batman, after Justice League: War. When asked what it’s like, he couldn’t stop talking about Talia al Ghul’s cleavage (“that made this a great Friday night”) and the “silicone” pits, which became a running topic of discussion during the panel. In all seriousness, it was hard for him to find the elusive Bat-voice the first go round, but thanks to Andrea, they found it, and brought that experience onto SOB, which is an ill-advised abbreviation that I’m going to continue using.

Stuart Allen is asked what it was like to play Damien. When he first read the script, and was introduced to the character, he thought Damien was a brat. Then he went to Gamestop for the down low and insight into his character, and really got it. I still think Damien’s a brat myself. Stuart is as excitable and neurotic a kid as I’ve ever seen. He’s like a 9 year old on coke.

Berkeley, an in-demand voice and live action actor (he’s on Salem, premiering on Sunday), was asked what drew him to Kirk Langstrom. For him, it’s Batman, “of course you wanna do it. Who wouldn’t?” Good point. Especially when Andrea is involved, he’ll do it.

Sean Maher’s role as Nightwing is his first role in an animated film in his career. During the film and the oft-viewed Talia cleavage, Sean was constantly reminded of Morena Baccarin’s cleavage on Firefly, which consistently got sunburnt on set, and became a butt of jokes. This makes sense because Baccarin voices Talia.

Phil Bourassa is a God in the DC animation world, but this was his first solely Batman movie, and he’d been wanting to do one forever. Every artist has their own take on Batman. Any day drawing Batman is a good day. Amen.

With no disrespect to Sean Maher, it’s asked why Nightwing is the only one who can take down Damien in the film. Their fight is skimmed over in the film, but stay tuned for the credits to get a taste of their battle royale. They apparently couldn’t fit in the movie/couldn’t figure out how to make it cool enough (pretty much what they said). They could’ve cut out the Gorilla-Bat scene and replaced it with the Nightwing/Damien fight.

When asked by an audience member who they’d dress up as on the exhibit floor, Jason O’Mara responded with Boba Fett to many cheers. Stuart Allen offered Green Lantern and Iron Man.

Andrea Romano is thanked at least three times for an amazing childhood by fans, which is one of the better compliments I can dream up.

Then came a parade of crappy questions that you know the panel can’t answer, like will there be more Damien/Son of Batman movies, or if they have plans for Character A and Character B, yadda yadda yadda. One guy, effusive in his praise for the DC animated films, then insults them by arguing that he’s fatigued with Batman and that they are relying too heavily on Batman (fair), and pointing out that Marvel respects and utilizes all their characters (true, but unfair and beside the point). This “question” isn’t met positively.

When asked what characters they’d like to see explored in a future film, James Tucker mentions Spectre, and Bourassa talks up Kirby’s Fourth World characters.

Apparently Dick Grayson/Nightwing is the only Robin in the new DCU animated continuity (until Damien comes along), which means that there is no Tim Drake. They aren’t hating on Tim, but “normal people need to understand this too.” It didn’t come out as insulting as that sounded. Tim Drake is asked about another time, because nobody listens TO OTHER QUESTIONS.

Jason O’Mara is impressing fans. One questioner even says “Kevin who?”, a reference to the god of Bat-voices, Kevin Conroy. Hold your horses, kid. There was a lot of pressure on O’Mara to do the voice, but he tried to tune it all out, and didn’t refer to any of the other performances, hoping to create a unique and authentic voice of his own. I think he’s succeeded. Andrea points out that the voice has grown and evolved since JL: WAR, for the better.

Did Stuart feel pressure in bringing Damien to life? It is, after all, the first time he’s on the big screen (or Blu-Ray). He felt a little pressure, sure, but he’s a laid back guy. You “gotta go with the flow.” If anyone over 10 had said that, there probably would’ve been boos.

Several people harp on Tucker and company to adapt classic DC books into films, like The Killing Joke. Tucker responds that the company makes 3 movies every year, with 2 in continuity, and the third a one-off, so there’s always that possibility. TBA. If you’re playing a comic con drinking game at home, that’s a big-time drink. I think some version of the “we can’t tell you $#*!” line was used 13 times in this panel. There are some awful questions, but some worse answers. Andrea even commented on their glib responses, and apologized for them, because they can’t announce anything…until they’re announced.

Tucker apparently didn’t know that Deathstroke was being used on Arrow when they were making Son of Batman, because the myriad branches of WB work separately. Seems silly, because as the fan mentions, Slade is “everywhere right now.” Of course, since he’s a badass, that’s probably not a bad thing, and there are several different takes on the character.

After another stupid question, I stalked off, ready for dinner, my first day of WonderCon over. Tomorrow is a latter day, one with innumerable goodies in store.

Son of Batman comes out on HD stream tomorrow, April 22nd, and can be ordered here. If you want to wait for the DVD/Blu-Ray combo pack (which arrives May 6th), buy it here.

A BLACK WIDOW film has been… listed. Not “announced” per say, but it has its own IMDb page so gosh golly gee, it must be true! We, the people, have been surrounded by every superhero imaginable for years now (how many versions of Batman and Superman have we suffered through over the past countless decades?) and we are finally starting to see a lady at the end of the tunnel. Let’s go down a brief (and incomplete) list to see what’s already out there – past, present and future* – in the realm of live-action superhero television and films.

ANT-MAN (1 movie)*

ARROW (TV show in season 2)

BATMAN (9 movies, 1 TV show)

BIRDS OF PREY (TV cancelled after 13 episodes in 2002)

BLACK WIDOW (3 supporting/ensemble movie appearances, 1 movie)*

CAPTAIN AMERICA (8 movies)*

CATWOMAN (multiple appearances, 1 horrible movie in 2004)

DOCTOR STRANGE (2 movies)*

FANTASTIC FOUR (5 movies)*

GREEN LANTERN (2 movies)*

GOTHAM (TV, included separately because it exists in Batman’s universe but isn’t about Batman)*

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (1 movie)*

IRON MAN (5 movies)*

JUSTICE LEAGUE (1 movie)*

SUPERMAN (8 movies, 2 TV shows)

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (10 movies)*

THE FLASH (TV show, and 1  movie)*

THE INCREDIBLE HULK (7 movies, 1 TV show)*

THOR (5 movies)*

WOLVERINE (8 movies, probably more, including cameos)*

WONDER WOMAN (TV show from 1975-1979, 1 movie)*

X-MEN (6 movies)*

Pretty impressive list we’ve got there, right? Pretty testosterone heavy list, too. Sure, we absolutely have some supporting females here and there – re: Catwoman (not the movie!), Lady Sif, the X-Women, etc – but on the whole, the list is fairly male-centric. Don’t misunderstand me here, folks: this is not a feminist-rant-post, or an angry-at-men post, but merely a “we’ve-got-some-kickass-heroine’s-out-there” post that does not quite understand why we haven’t taken advantage of the abundance of awesome womens we’ve got.

I, and I believe many others, have had the unfortunate pleasure of witnessing one too many arguments surrounding the idea that superhero films (or any films) that feature a female lead will bomb at the box office. Women don’t have the “universal appeal” that men do or some other silly thing like that. I firmly and wholeheartedly disagree, especially when it comes to superheroes. Women will go see these films because they’re such a rarity and we’re dying to get one of our own up there in a lead role, and men will see them because SCARLETT JOHANSSEN IN SPANDEX. It’s a win-win situation.

Another great argument I’ve heard (which was a personal favorite of mine) was that Wonder Woman doesn’t need her own film. Number 3. See here. While I absolutely accept and agree that her mythology does not lend well to cinematic adaptation, that doesn’t mean that a) it’s impossible or that b) that she doesn’t need a film. Just because it would be difficult to get her a working, relatable backstory on screen that does not mean that she shouldn’t get one. (Hands off, Brett Ratner, Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn. You three have ruined enough.)

And it may sound ungrateful that I’m whining when we’re finally getting both a Black Widow and a Wonder Woman film in the foreseeable future, but it should absolutely sound ungrateful. Because we, both women and the general comicfan population, should not have to be grateful that a heroine is finally getting to star in her own film. It’s a no-brainer when it comes to adapting a male hero, but somehow the ladies always get the boot. And I don’t think it’s a lack of desire from the fanbase that is holding back our heroines, but instead a lack of understanding on the studios part: they don’t know how to write our heroines. It’s hard enough to write a complex character, but for many female roles they tend to be broken down so simply that they fall through the cracks and become nothing but fluff.

My proposed solution? FIND NEW WRITERS. There are a ton of screenwriters who can master the complex female character without pigeonholing her into one stereotype or another, and maybe that’s a huge part of why we’ve waited so long to put Black Widow at the forefront of her own adventure; the writers that were bringing her to life onscreen had time to test her, find her strengths and skills off the page and are now comfortable enough with her as a character that they feel confident they can give her a successful film. And maybe that’s what the plan is for Wonder Woman, too. An introduction to Diana Prince in BATMAN VS SUPERMAN, another supporting role in JUSTICE LEAGUE to iron out the kinks and then finally a film of her own to succeed in.

I’ll admit that it’s a fairly decent plan of attack but it’s not good enough anymore, Hollywood. It’s time to find new writers who can do it right on the first try. No more bombed films, no more canned pilots. Make me the perfect RED SONJA film (not the 1985 atrocity) and do it now. We’ve got enough hugely popular and successful superdoods in tights roaming around that it’s time for some superladies to start winning the box office, too.

Meet Gal Gadot, the new Wonder Woman.

“Well, let’s just say that I’m a civic-minded citizen with a lot of time on my hands.” — The Clock King, Episode 14.

Hello and welcome to the first installment of a new ongoing series where I, Ryan, plan to focus my ample free time on examining every episode of the iconic 1990s animated interpretation of the Dark Knight.

But before we can jump cowl-first into this beloved series, we need to do a little scene setting.

First, the ‘90s was the greatest decade ever for cartoons, and it’s hard to imagine someone arguing against that (consider yourself challenged, Internet). Some of my personal favorites are/were: X-Men, Spider-Man, Chip ‘n’ Dale Rescue Rangers, Doug, Darkwing Duck, Tailspin, Pinky and the Brain, Animaniacs, Rugrats, and the list goes on.

Long story short: It was a tough decade in which to stand out on the small screen.

Secondly, a major factor playing into this show’s success was that it came on the heels of an unquestionably monumental stretch of time for the Bat-verse on the page and on the screen. The mid-to-late ‘80s and early ‘90s saw a substantial shift for the character where Alan Moore (The Killing Joke) and Frank Miller (Year One, The Dark Knight Returns) ushered in the era of the gritty, dark interpretation of the Bat, sparking a resurgence in the popularity and cultural relevancy of the character.

Then, Tim Burton’s 1989 classic BATMAN movie fueled full-fledged Bat-mania.

Jack Napier: Enraging Batman purists for a quarter of a century.

All of these factors created plenty of stiff competition and set the bar high, but optimists at Warner Bros. Animation saw the platform it presented.

The WB brought together the art/production duo of Bruce Timm and the all-too-often forgotten Eric Radomski, a badass corps of writers, musical wizard Danny Elfman, and perhaps the best cast of voice actors ever assembled (*bias alert*) to join forces in taking us on an after-school journey into a noir crime drama that we will never forget.

Cue goosebumps….

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEx9r5enZsk&w=420&h=315]

I still remember the way that intro made me feel as a kid, and I’ll spend an entire post breaking it down frame-by-frame at some point, but in the interest of soon-to-be-abandoned conciseness, I’ll move along for now.

One of the things that really jumps out is the artistic style; it really is something to behold and admire.

With a heavy reliance on blacks, greys and reds, the dreary color palette creates a menacing atmosphere that effortlessly conveys the twisted, inherent hopelessness of Gotham.

In fact, this was the first cartoon ever drawn/painted on black paper. True story!

The GCPD may be outgunned and facing corruption at every level, but at least it has blimps!

But the atramentous world isn’t the only thing that stands out; it’s the style of the buildings, cars and people that inhabit it.

The artistic team referred to its creation as “dark deco,” paying homage to the art deco movement of the 1920s and ‘30s. That unique look really took this show to a different level.

It’s hard to put a time frame on this series as, in many ways, it does feel like it takes place in a Dick-Tracy, gangster-era Chicago or New York, but for every paper boy in a flat cap or Tommy Gun-toting mobster, there is also a high-tech Batcomputer or an elaborate machine that induces dreams. And this confusing timeline was purposeful.

Holy Gatsby-era street urchin, Batman.

Radomski and Timm were inspired by what the former referred to as an “otherwordly timelessness” seen in Burton’s film, where vintage clothing, antique cars and police blimps portrayed a Gotham that resembled a grungy Roaring Twenties-era metropolis, while at the same time littering it with modern amenities and various technological advancements.

Otherworldly, indeed.

And taking another note from the ’89 film, the city itself is exaggerated, massive and ominous in a way that transforms it into a character more than a setting; an animated version of Burton’s hell on earth. This effectively puts Batman in a setting that not-so-subtly imparts on the viewer a measure of the evil that resides within; one of the many layers that gives this show its staying power.

Gotham City as it was meant to be.

It really is a time and place all its own. And that cannot be understated in its importance in the long-term success of BTAS (that’s the acronym we’re going to roll with, FYI).

Truth be told, I could ramble on for another thousand words about the art, so we’ll just pick this time to move along to something I know nothing about: music!

Don’t get me wrong, I love listening to music, but I don’t know a damn thing about it and have zero natural ability with it in any capacity. And on the opposite end of that spectrum, we have Danny Elfman.

Mr. Elfman did what any self-respecting person did in the pre-Internet age and put his God-given ability to use, blessing my ringtone gallery and the world at large with two of the most iconic superhero theme songs ever produced with his work on BATMAN ’89 and Batman: TAS.

He also did the theme music for Spider-Man 3, but if you’re anything like me you’ve spent the past seven years pretending that movie never happened.

No. No it wasn’t, Harry.

But back to the point at hand, Elfman really rubs in his musical talents having composed the music and/or theme for the following: Pee-wee’s Big Adventure, The Flash, Beetlejuice, Army of Darkness, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Tales from the Crypt, Corpse Bride, Chicago, Desperate Housewives and most famously of all — The Simpsons.

He’s a machine and his jam-packed schedule probably played some role in him turning down the initial job offer to compose the theme for BTAS,  but he eventually hopped on board and wrote a variation of his hit BATMAN ’89 theme for the show.

Listen and compare below.

Batman ’89  (Skip ahead to the 30-second mark)

and

Batman: TAS

While undeniably similar, the BTAS theme is different enough to stand on its own, and it absolutely captures the mood of the show and how it deviates from the film. And that’s not even taking into consideration the masterful in-show music he provided, which I’ll touch on in the next installment.

Speaking of delayed gratification, the voice acting is something I’ll tackle more thoroughly on an episode-by-episode basis as characters are introduced, but if you are unfamiliar with the glorious performances this show was graced with, here is a handy video I stumbled upon that will provide an overview of what is to come.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmu-9ln-kjs&w=560&h=315]

Most people know and revere Kevin Conroy’s Batman and Mark Hamill’s Joker (both of which are still the voices I hear in my head when I read Batman comics) and those are deservedly lauded, but they tend to overshadow other worthy performances, most notably Arleen Sorkin’s Harley Quinn.

Not only was Sorkin the first to voice Mr. J’s  uber popular sidekick, she literally provided the inspiration for the creation of the character by Paul Dini in 1992.

You can see (or hear, rather) the makings of Miss Quinn in this clip from Sorkin’s “Days of Our Lives” stint:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ORRN1Tbb3g&w=420&h=315]

In addition to the previously mentioned trio, Efrim Zimbalist Jr. (Alfred), Bob Hastings (Commissioner Gordon), David Warner (Ra’s al Ghul) and Richard Moll (Harvey Dent) were just a few of the other standout performers that instilled this show with the believability, charm and emotion that helped bring the unique art and the intelligent, thoughtful writing to life.

All these factors combined continue to give Batman: The Animated Series a lasting allure and relevance more than 20 years later and warrant it wholly deserving of this labor of love I am embarking upon.

On behalf of Batman and myself, we’d love to have you along for the ride.

Until next time.