But they all pale in comparison to whatever the hell is going on with History Channel’s forthcoming mini series, Texas Rising, an eight part event chronicling the creation of the Texas Rangers. The promise of a smaller commitment and a closed arc has brought the very best actors to TV, and Texas Rising‘s IMDb page is the crowning achievement of the medium.

What follows is a Power Rankings of the most dynamic, mind-bending, weird casts ever assembled.

18. Sarah Jones

Remember Alcatraz, the much-maligned LOST-y genre show from Bad Robot? That makes two of us! Jones was the plain jane lead, and now has the honor of being Pauline Wykoff, one of like two women in the unsurprising testosterone heavy Texas Rising. She’s so normal compared to her cast mates, that her presence sticks out even more.

Oddly enough (of course odd loses all meaning when you look at this cast), Texas Rising presents the world’s lamest TV show reunion, as Sarah reunites with Joe Egender, who was Ernest Cobb, one of the recurring inmates of Alcatraz. I was probably the first person to ever realize this, and yes, I feel rightfully ashamed.

17. Max Thieriot

Thieriot is most notable for his confusingly spelled last name, and his role as Norman’s older brother Dylan in the incestuous quagmire that is Bates Motel. He also got to be Jennifer Lawrence’s love interest in House at the End of the Street, the horror movie that thankfully most people never associate with J-Law. Best of all, Max played one of the kids in Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier, a movie that people will forever associate with Vin Diesel and it doesn’t matter because at some point after The Chronicles of Riddick, the world began to recognize Fast and the Furious as the greatest franchise of all-time. There’s at least 16 academic theses to be written about Vin Diesel’s fascinating career and the rise, fall and conquest of Fast and Furious. Max Thieriot would blessedly never be mentioned in any of them.

16. Rob Morrow

Rob Morrow might be one of the most boring actors on the planet, a necessary antidote to the crazy he’s acting opposite in Texas Rising. His weird quotient solely comes from being friends with Fisher Stevens and dropping out of The Island of Dr. Moreau, one of the greatest bombs in film history.

Back when TV and movie acting was more heavily delineated, Rob Morrow was probably the poster child for whatever “TV actor” means, thanks to Northern Exposure and Numb3rs, book-ends that made Morrow a near constant TV presence from 1990 to 2010 (there’s like a 10 year movie break in the middle, but that makes the statement less impressive).

Fun fact: He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1992 with Nirvana as the musical guest.

15. Rhys Coiro

Sure, he’s been on Lilyhammer (the most anonymous Netflix show on the planet), A Gifted Man and Hostages, three shows that have never come up in any conversation ever. But he’s also been Billy Walsh, one of the all-time great bad guest stars on a show that functions as a guest star factory: Entourage. Billy Walsh is the worst: he’s a dickhead drug addict director, which is pretty much every one on that show.

14. Cynthia Addai-Robinson

She’s the incomprehensibly evil Amanda Waller on Arrow and was Crixus’ badass love Naevia for the last two seasons of Spartacus. She also was “San Francisco Woman” in Star Trek Into Darkness. Between those three, she can run the convention circuit for the next two decades and most importantly (in the scope of this piece), these roles have led to her career-making role as “The Yellow Rose of Texas,” Emily West.

13. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

This guy’s had a fascinating career, and it’s all come to his crowning achievement: his role as famous frontiersman ‘Deaf’ Smith. Before becoming a maybe household name, JDM was apparently on JAG for seven years, which I think is a better punchline than anything I could write. He was also the inciting incident for the entire Weeds show: he was the Dad who died and left Nancy Botwin to sell dope. His name was Judah, because Jewish.

For a couple years, Jeffrey Dean Morgan had a high-profile, fan-favorite role on two of the buzziest TV shows at the same time: Supernatural and Grey’s Anatomy. It’s almost as if Morgan’s presence on a show adds an infinite number of seasons to its preordained allotment, long after he’s left set. While those shows roll on, interminably and forever, lasting well beyond the natural resources we’ll need to stay alive on this world, Morgan parlayed his popularity (?) into a brief stint as a (comic book) movie star, with roles in Watchmen and The Losers. Because of his nerd cache (read: his willingness to be in comic book movies), most of his work now comes in fancasts and miniseries’ (and STARZ; I guess Magic City was a thing for a couple seasons). He’s going to be Joe DiMaggio in Lifetime’s upcoming The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, which will definitely be on my DVR (read: I don’t have a DVR).

12. Robert Knepper

Look at them boots.

Knepper had apparently been working steadily since 1986 before Prison Break (he was on Murder, She Wrote for three seasons!), but I guarantee you didn’t know that until you saw him as breakout character T-Bag in the show that was every douchebag’s favorite show (admittedly, it had a pretty great first season).

Since then, he’s been creepy everywhere, be it Heroes, Stargate Universe, the Clock King in Arrow and even in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay.

11. Jeff Fahey

I had the impression that before LOST rejuvenated his career, Jeff Fahey was skating by as an occasional guest star known solely for The Lawnmower Man. The guy has 139 credits, and most of those happened before Frank Lapidus entered our lives and made them infinitely better. Since then, however, Fahey’s had more high profile work in Under the Dome, Justified and this hilarious looking Hatfield and McCoys movie starring Christian Slater (who would rank #7 on this list, to give you a reference for how crazy we’re about to get).

For his role on Texas Rising, Fahey had to shave his beard to play political and military leader Thomas Rusk, the first Secretary of War of Texas. I strongly suspect most of his powers come from his beard, so this might be a risky career choice.

10. Chad Michael Murray

On Gilmore Girls, Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill, Chad Michael Murray invented and perfected his own brand of cocky dickface, which is the rough translation of “Chad Michael Murray.”

He somehow actually had more than one layer on Agent Carter (and we’ll get to see more of the cowardly cocky dickface in season 2), but he’ll forever be the guy who had sex with Joey and Jen on the Creek, a claim that can only be staked by one other man (and it’s his fucking creek, yo!). CMM’s the fucking worst. And because he’s so good at being the worst (and reportedly/some girl told me once he’s just like that in real life), he gets a spot in the top ten.

At some point, when I’ve dug myself into a deep dark crevice that I can’t get out of, I’ll create a Chad Michael Murray podcast.

9. Jake Busey

Jake Busey is not only the son of Gary Busey (who has since lost his right to have children) but had the pivotal jerk-rival soldier role in Starship Troopers, a movie that one could argue is the best of all-time.

8. Jeremy Davies

The LOST (and Justified) train continues with the man behind two of TV’s finest creations: rocket scientist Daniel Farady and redneck runt of the family Dickie Bennett. That would be the incomparable Jeremy Davies, who’s been squirrely-quirky since before Saving Private Ryan and Twister.

7. Christopher McDonald

SHOOTER MCGAVIN IS IN THIS SHOW. And he apparently gets an arrow through the shoulder as famous Texan soldier Henry Karnes. I could spend 10,000 words writing about this guy’s IMDb page, but suffice to say he’s voiced Harvey Dent, Jor-El and been on Kim Possible.

Shooter McGavin would react like this if he learned he only placed #7 on this list:

6. Ray Liotta

Yup, that old man with a crazy beard is Ray Liotta. There’s not much else to say beyond that. He kind of looks like he’s auditioning for The Ten Commandments.

5. Thomas Jane

The only time I saw Thomas Jane in person, he had a braided beard, was wearing those weird toed shoes, and was shepherding his kid to a movie he can’t have wanted to see at the Egyptian Theatre. I believe that everyone on Earth has seen this exact same thing, maybe all at the same time, because Thomas Jane is a mystical Native American spirit.

He’s The Punisher. When HBO needed a star with a big dick for Hung, they went to Tom Jane. He’s been Mickey Mantle. Now he’s James Wykoff (wife of Sarah Jones’ character from earlier).

4. Brendan Fraser

In 1999, Brendan Fraser might as well have been Indiana Jones after The Mummy. It was a star-making turn not unlike Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. Then he had a string of bombs that the Gods of Hollywood will sing about long after we’re all dead: Dudley Do-Right, Bedazzled, Monkeybone and Looney Tunes: Back in Action. Jesus. He was also replaced by The Rock in the sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth. We all wish we were replaced by The Rock in something, but Brendan Fraser can actually boast this claim.

Now he’s playing Billy Anderson, a Texas Ranger with Comanche Indian ties. He doesn’t look happy about it:

I hope he turns out to be Star-Lord’s Dad in Guardians 2, or at least, gets another spot on a TV comedy, because he was wonderful in Scrubs. [Insert clever McConaissance-like phrase for Brendan Fraser here]

3. Crispin Glover

Crispin Glover is one of the weirdest humans on the planet, and I just learned that his middle name is Hellion. I love Crispin Glover.

His George McFly is one of the finest cinematic pleasures there is, but until the last couple of years I had no idea he didn’t even play him in Part II or Part III (that was Jeffrey Weissman) because he’s…difficult.

He terrified me in Willard. He was the villain in Charlie’s Angels 2, which says about as much as you need to know about Charlie’s Angels 2. He was in Hot Tub Time Machine, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and Like Mike. Glover was the Knave of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland; Grendel in Beowulf. In other words, Crispin Glover is everything.

Now he’s Moseley Baker, the Speaker of the House of the Alabama House of Representatives, who (SPOILERS) led impeachment proceedings against President Sam Houston while serving in the Congress of the Republic of Texas. Acting is so weird.

2. Kris Kristofferson

Yes, Kris Kristofferson IS not only alive but playing Andrew fucking Jackson. He’s also contributing to the soundtrack, because he’s Kris Kristofferson.

WHISTLER! Is there a more underrated franchise than Wesley Snipes’ Blade? If the MCU doesn’t have Wesley Snipes lurking in the shadows of the MCU’s Hell’s Kitchen during its Netflix crossover megaseries, it’ll be a damn shame.

AND NOW….

1. Bill Paxton

Any clairvoyant would’ve known there’s no other possibility for #1 than the man who-will-be Sam Houston.

Has there been an actor who’s had a more fun career than Bill Paxton? He’s been apart of pretty much every action movie touchstone AND is Dinky Winks in the Spy Kids franchise.

Because of that, there’s no more rightful ruler of this divine Texas Rising cast than Bill Paxton. GAME OVER, man.

Join me May 25th at 9/8c on HISTORY CHANNEL to watch part 1.

Before I begin, I just want to clarify: this isn’t a list of portrayals of actual presidents in films. You’re not going to see Daniel Day-Lewis’ Abraham Lincoln or Frank Langella’s Richard Nixon, or the 53 actors who have played JFK. These are all fake presidents, which should be abundantly clear.

This is specifically for MOVIE presidents. Fictional TV presidents would be an entirely different list, but if you must know, it would have Martin Sheen’s President Bartlet at #2, AFTER Laura Roslin of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, because I’m the worst. David Palmer of 24/Allstate would be 3rd place.

Many old men in Hollywood have practically made a career of playing the POTUS. If you’re a grizzled character actor with a nice clump of white hair and you ooze authority, you’ve likely played the thankless role of a president in a film.

Ronny Cox  (above) wins the award for most portrayals, with four, including the craptacular 1990 CAPTAIN AMERICA, MARTIANS GO HOME, MURDER AT 1600 and NADIA’S PROMISE. Since MARTIANS GO HOME came out in 1989, he’s played a President in 4 different decades, and is still doing it. NADIA’S PROMISE came out this year.

JAWS’ Roy Scheider played the President three separate times. As did Gregory Harrison. Stanley Anderson (Michael Bay’s first call, for ARMAGEDDON and THE ROCK), Henry Fonda, Louis Gossett Jr., Sam Waterston, Leslie Nielsen, Peter Coyote, Jonathan Pryce and David Rasche have each played a POTUS twice on the big screen.

TRIVIA TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS: Jeff and Beau Bridges aren’t the coolest sibling duo who have both played presidents. That award goes to Dennis and Randy Quaid. Dennis for AMERICAN DREAMZ…

Whereas Randy Quaid had the country in the palm of his hands in the classic MAIL TO THE CHIEF. The movie came out in 2000, six years before Dennis ever sniffed the oval office.

14 years ago, Randy Quaid was playing the President in Disney movies and I thought I’d play for the Kentucky basketball team. Life’s weird. Speaking of…

…Charlie Sheen was the President in MACHETE KILLS.

Eric Roberts was the head of state in FIRST DOG. I don’t want to look that movie up to shatter the illusion of what it is in my head (AIR BUD + White House).

Terry Crews was the President in IDIOCRACY. His name was Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Robert Rodriguez’s SPY KIDS movies didn’t fuck around. In the second film, Shooter McGavin himself played the President. Then they took a step down in SPY KIDS 3-D, opting for a little guy named George Clooney:

Lame. Far superior was the fake but judicious U.S. population who elected Jack Nicholson to the White House, right before the world became under siege by aliens in MARS ATTACKS!

Is Jack not exactly who we want making the all-important decisions for our country?

PRESIDENT THAT WON’T SNIFF MY BALLOT:

Chris Rock as Mays Gilliam in HEAD OF STATE (2003). I just hate this movie. Maybe I’m just mad that I actually paid to see this one in theaters.

HANGING CHADS/SNUBS (in no particular order):

Michael Douglas (THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT, a redundant title), Kevin Kline (DAVE), John Travolta (PRIMARY COLORS), Alan Alda (CANADIAN BACON), Tim Robbins (AUSTIN POWERS 2: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME), Henry Fonda (FAIL SAFE), Jeff Bridges (THE CONTENDER) and Stephen Colbert (MONSTERS VS. ALIENS). Yeah, I blew it.

5. Billy Bob Thornton as the President, LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

Billy Bob Thornton exudes sleaze and a stinky odor that can only be described as pure, unadulterated America in the brilliant British romcom. It’s a master stroke of casting, as arrogance and charm seep out of Billy Bob’s pores in this small role. He’s inappropriate with Hugh Grant/the Prime Minister’s squeeze, he’s a bully, presumably a philandering alcoholic, and he’s exactly what the Brits and the rest of the world think of American politicians. And they’re probably right.

I’d still vote for Billy Bob Thornton in a heartbeat.

4. Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck, DEEP IMPACT (1998)

James Earl Jones delivered the first depiction of a black president in THE MAN (1972), although Sammy Davis Jr. dreamed of being the black president as a 7 year old in RUFUS JONES FOR PRESIDENT (1933). You could make a convincing argument that 24, DEEP IMPACT and other pop culture entries featuring black actors as the President paved the way for Barack Obama. It shouldn’t have required that, but Morgan Freeman’s portrayal in DEEP IMPACT might be one of the most influential of its kind. It doesn’t get any more regal, comforting, stately and presidential than “The Voice.”

Like in life, when everything seems lost, or when humanity is on the brink, we need heroes the most. Or at least, that’s what the movies teach us, and in DEEP IMPACT, a comet could destroy the planet. Leave it to Morgan Freeman and his voice to soothe our worries, and lead the way.

3. Peter Sellers as President Merkin Muffley, DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)

In Stanley Kubrick’s hilarious black comedy about the Cold War, nuclear paranoia and the folly of politics, Peter Sellers gets a new high score. He plays three of the main characters, including the titular Dr. Strangelove, a maniacal mad-scientist role that overshadows his Captain Mandrake and…the President.

In DR. STRANGELOVE, Sellers’ President is shocked to discover that the U.S. has ordered a nuclear attack on the Soviet Union, without his permission. He finds himself in an impossible situation, amid a sea of incompetent and unruly advisers in the war room, while not exactly the brightest man himself.

Here are two classic scenes from the movie, though it’s one of those movies where every scene is famous:

2. Harrison Ford as President James Marshall, AIR FORCE ONE (1997)

In the 1990’s, we wanted a President who could kick ass and murder with the best of them. Leave it to Harrison Ford to bring the badass to the Oval Office, as he turns the President (an ex-soldier) into a 90’s action hero in Wolfgang Peterson’s AIR FORCE ONE. It’s honestly one of Ford’s best roles, as he takes down a malicious Gary Oldman and his ring of terrorists WHILE IN FLIGHT. He also delivers arguably the best line from a Fictional Movie President, in a way that only Ford could:

This list will not go quietly into the night…

1. Bill Pullman as President Thomas J. Whitmore, INDEPENDENCE DAY (1996)

There are no words, especially when Bill Pullman stole them all, in probably the greatest movie speech ever:

All of the goosebumps.

It’s pretty much official: Robin Williams was the king of the 90’s, and his career is a perfect accompaniment to obnoxious amounts of beer. After doing HOOK and JUMANJI (with MRS. DOUBTFIRE, FERNGULLY and ALADDIN still to come), the next stop on the dizzying tour of Robin Williams’ ridiculous filmography, is, fittingly….

FLUBBER (1997).

When you watch a movie about a dumbass scientist (or Doc Brown wannabe) creating the world’s most mischievous and dangerous bouncy ball, his robot sidekick and Shooter fucking McGavin, I wouldn’t reprimand you for thinking Disney had come with a true American original.

But that’s false. 36 years previous, Hollywood luminary (actor, singer, stud) Fred MacMurray (THE APARTMENT, DOUBLE INDEMNITY, THE CAINE MUTINY) was Professor Ned Brainard, or THE ABSENT-MINDED PROFESSOR (1961). In that film and the sequel SON OF FLUBBER (1963), he created an anti-gravity substance, flew his date and his dog around in cars, and changed pigskin forever:

They also came up with the first werge (word merge) ever, because Flubber stands for…FLYING RUBBER. That’s bonafide history folks.

In FLUBBER, we get color (though a colorized version of SON OF FLUBBER came to VHS in 1997), Fred MacMurray’s replaced with Robin Williams who plays Professor Phillip Brainard (I prefer Ned as a name myself), and the dog sidekick is upgraded to a pain in the ass robot named Weebo (voiced by Jodi Benson, AKA Ariel from LITTLE MERMAID and Barbie from TOY STORY 3). Weebo is essentially Tinkerbell; she wants Peter/Phillip/Robin Williams, but is in the friend zone/a fairy/a miniature robot, and tries to sabotage Peter/Philip/Robin Williams’ relationships.

Football, an antiquated sport in 1997, is flipped to basketball, producing the greatest underdog story since SPACE JAM.

ENCINO MAN, BLUE STREAK and MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET director Les Mayfield also made the awful decision of casting Wil Wheaton as Billy Madison, or a dick-head character with rich parents, who flunks school because of Brainard.

He also added two goons, “cleverly” named Smith and Wesson, played by Clancy Brown (HIGHLANDER, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS) and Ted Levine (THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS). The big bad is played by Raymond J. Barry, who you probably love on JUSTIFIED.

Les has also created the most unrealistic love story ever, as Marcia Gay Harden, who’s always a badass, no-nonsense chick from this role on, as if she promised to herself NEVER AGAIN, keeps going back to Robin Williams’ character after he’s forgotten her wedding MORE THAN ONCE. I think that’s a deal breaker. Especially when you have the sexy Christopher McDonald as the other asshole potential love interest.

Most of the genius likely came from co-screenwriter John Hughes, who you may have heard of. There’s compelling evidence to suggest that FLUBBER was John Hughes’ last and 7th finest achievement, unless you think DRILLBIT TAYLOR, HOME ALONE 3 or MAID IN MANHATTAN weren’t piles of shit.

FLUBBER DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Drink whenever you want to punch Wil Wheaton in the mouth.

2. Take a sip whenever Professor Brainard touches or adjusts his glasses.

3. Drink whenever Brainard has changed his bowtie.

4. Have a drink whenever a character should be killed on camera, yet is completely fine. Example: Wesson (Ted Levine) gets hit by a bowling ball tainted with Flubber going hundreds of miles an hour, and barely gets a bruise.

5. Drink whenever Flubber dances.

6. “Drink for the Weebs”: Take a sip for every new video Weebo plays on her monitor. It should be noted that one of the only cats I’ve ever held affection for was named after Weebo. His name is Weebo.

7. Drink any time Robin Williams falls down.

9. Drink any time Flubber hits someone in the balls.

10. Take a sip every time someone utilizes their magical Flubber-fied shoes (see: the insane basketball scenes).

11. Finish your beer when you witness the illustrious “Flubber fart.” In SON OF FLUBBER, Professor Brainard created Flubbergas (SPOILERS: AKA the titular “Son of Flubber”), so this rule aligns with canon.

12. Drink every time there’s ridiculously fake science talk. I’d drink whenever I see a billboard filled with nonsense too, but I do that always.

13. Have a sip whenever that poor neighbor kid (who seemingly lives in every nearby house) gets terrified. Double if it comes right after his Dad tells him not to be scared.

EXPERT EDITION: Make your own Flubber, and play with these same rules with your friends. So, I’d anticipate you throwing your ghastly concoction at people’s balls. Be safe.