After three years and four movies, Avengers: Age of Ultron has arrived. I’ll admit, going in, I was nervous for the film, forever worried that Marvel Studios’ bubble might pop. It certainly stretches the seams here, but rest assured, Marvel’s insane streak continues, thanks in large part to Joss Whedon.

Avengers 2 isn’t as good as Captain America: The Winter Soldier or Guardians of the Galaxy, and probably not the first Avengers, but I don’t know if that was possible, given the nearly impossible juggling act that Joss Whedon has to perform here. He has to tease Civil War, Black Panther (Andy Serkis’ brief turn as Ulysses Klaw has me so stoked), Thor 3 and Guardians of the Galaxy 2, while introducing four hugely important new characters (Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, Ultron and Vision), and maintaining the MacGuffin-laced narrative string of Thanos and Infinity Gems. Plus, you know, he has to segue into the next two Avengers movies. It’s exhausting just thinking about, but for a moment, let’s focus on the present, a rarity when it comes to the MCU, which is always about what’s next.

Age of Ultron thrusts us into the action immediately, because Whedon, Feige and company can’t afford to waste any time, and besides, we know these guys now. Thanks to a jumbled concoction of Loki’s scepter, Hydra intelligence and Tony Stark’s personal computer system Jarvis (Paul Bettany), Stark creates Ultron (James Spader), envisioned as an AI based world-peacekeeping computer, one that could function as an armor over the whole planet, an initiative that would render the Avengers moot. Of course, Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) envisioned a rosy retirement sipping Mai Tai’s in Tahiti (okay, maybe not Tahiti) with Pepper Potts: his creation sees the Avengers…and humanity, as obstacles preventing peace and progress.

From there, a lot of shit explodes in a dizzying action ensemble with a scale of astronomical proportions. The film is bloated, and likely at least slightly confusing to someone who doesn’t follow Marvel tidbits like James Woods and candy. But somehow, someway, it works. In fact, it more than works: Avengers is Summer Movie Action Tentpole on Steroids, yet thanks in large part to Joss Whedon’s heart and wit, the over-stuffed sequel retains intelligence and blessed self-awareness, while remaining a helluva lot of fun.

For an innumerable number of reasons, Joss Whedon was always perfect for the Avengers: there’s not a director more capable with ensembles, thanks to his experience with Firefly, Buffy and Angel. And again, somehow Avengers 2 gives every member of the team and its ballooning supporting cast a chance to shine. The first Avengers was Iron Man’s movie: the emotional through-line traveled through the conflicted and difficult billionaire playboy philanthropist. But the Hulk was the scene stealer, the crowd favorite. In Avengers 2, I suspect, both honors come from an unlikely hero: Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye, the oft-forgotten archer and every-man member of the team, the powerless one who probably gets picked last at Avengers dodgeball games. When you think about Whedon’s work, the focus makes perfect sense. In many ways, this is the colossal scale version of Buffy‘s “The Zeppo,” with Hawkeye playing the part of Xander, a normal family man who’s so clearly the glue that holds this team together, a thankless (and dangerous) role. Hawkeye’s journey and transition in this film mirrors that of Joss Whedon’s; he surely identifies with the un-invincible, un-enhanced man in a sea of power. Why Avengers 2 works so well is because it still feels like Whedon is a kid in his bedroom playing with his favorite toys.

Perhaps because of that, there’s a lot of fan-service in this film, much of it glorious (you can almost convince me that the Hulk and Iron Man fight was important to the narrative).

But what of the new arrivals? James Spader’s Ultron is wonderful, a sarcastic and devastatingly cruel robot, easily the third best villain in the MCU after Loki and Kingpin. Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s Quicksilver and Elizabeth Olsen’s Scarlet Witch will likely prove more divisive. It’s impossible not to compare Quicksilver’s, with Evan Peters’ Pietro surprisingly stealing the show in X-Men: Days of Future Past, and for the most part, this Quicksilver unfairly unable to match his scene-stealing exploits. I think Bryan Singer’s choice certainly blunted his impact here, which is a shame, and shaped Marvel’s treatment of the character. In the comics, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff’s identity and character, are inextricably linked with their villinous father Magneto. Stripping that away robs the character’s of some depth, and their new origins feel band-aided on. Plus, it took awhile for me to get used to their put-upon Eastern European accents. It makes sense, especially with where they come from in Age of Ultron, but it’s certainly not how I imagine them sounding in my head when I read the comics, which of course, is an impossible standard to set. That said, Elizabeth Olsen in particular show exceptional promise and has me excited for what’s to come.

Then there’s Paul Bettany’s Vision, and without ruining anything, I will just say this: he’s perfect. He’s beautifully rendered, like some holy blend of CGI and practical effects from the future that comes to make everybody else look bad. In effect, that’s also what he does in Avengers, and it’s wonderful.

So are many things in this film: the various methods of teamwork in action sequences that are just clever and unabashedly cool. The relationship between Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) and Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Everything Thor (Chris Hemsworth) says. The gentle ribbing of Captain America (Chris Evans). The hilarious and so so necessary downtime that Whedon interweaves among all the wackadoodle fighting. In fact, the best parts of these movies will always be when we see these larger than life heroes as just normal people, a lesson WB and DC could learn from. The stakes are serious but the whole movie doesn’t have to be. As long as Marvel retains the heart and wit that Joss Whedon has caked inside Iron Man’s armor, Bruce Banner’s purple shorts and Thor’s flowing cloak, these movies will continue to work, even if it sometimes feels like an exhausting, never-ending trek to nowhere, an infinite Easter Egg hunt across the increasingly populated cosmos. Well, okay, that does sound sorta awesome.

But it’s fair to be worried about the future.

Despite creating a Big Bad that kills thousands of people, Tony Stark never truly gets the comeuppance he deserves for creating Ultron in this movie, and that’s a fault of the proceedings, even if we’re saving it for Civil War (talk about a movie I’m nervous for).

If Avengers: Age of Ultron is busy, how in the hell will Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 & 2 not be a disastrous clusterfuck? The Russo Brothers are the best replacement Feige could possibly find for Whedon, thanks to their exceptional work on Captain America: The Winter Soldier and their ensemble work with Arrested Development and Community (though this is a whole new ballgame). But one gets the sense that Whedon was the only one with the power, chutzpah, support and creative Vision to counterbalance Kevin Feige, who deserves enormous credit for what he’s done in creating this interconnected universe, but like Ultron himself, still seems hell-bent on world domination with what feels like a Reaganomics-like approach.

But for once when it comes to Marvel movies, let’s not focus on that next piece of candy (which is the seemingly out-of-place and pointless Ant-Man), but revel in the present. Avengers: Age of Ultron is a movie that shouldn’t work, and one that comic fans never would’ve thought possible, but thanks to an unparalleled cast and creative team (seriously, just bathe in those ending credits; they’ll never be this good again), it makes us all feel like kids playing with their favorite toys.

Dibs on Vision!

I love Norse mythology. While Marvel has profited massively by watering down and taking liberties with THOR and their version of Asgard, there is undeniably more stories to tell, many of which don’t involve Natalie Portman as a damsel in distress. That’s precisely why I was excited to watch the Norwegian action-adventure film RAGNAROK, in hopes that a filmmaker would start to tap into the rich folklore. Spoiler alert: they don’t, at least not really.

RAGNAROK opens how you want it to open: a bunch of Vikings carrying torches, sending a sheep to sacrifice to the Gods, a princess (Asa) telling her father that “greed is your downfall” and then an unseen monster bursts from the water, dooming the Vikings to a watery grave. Unfortunately, that’s about all we see from the Viking age.

From there, it’s a hop, skip and a jump to present day, where we’re introduced to Sigurd Svendson (Pal Sverre Hagen), a single father juggling work and his two children, Ragnhild (Maria Annette Tanderod Berglyd) and Brage (Julian Podolski). He of course, is doing it badly. He misses Ragnhild’s recital, and also blows his pitch to investors to get more time and money to study his recent findings involving the mysterious Oseberg Viking longship and its contents. He believes that the artifacts hold the secret to the “end of days” or Ragnarok. The only rune he’s translated for sure, however, hilariously says “Man knows little,” a mantra repeated by his investors whom find his claims boundless and ridiculous. It appears that Sigurd’s research is effectively over.

It’s a dark day in Sigurd’s life, but because this is a movie, Allan (Nicolai Cleve Broch), his partner who’s been traveling in Finnmark looking for more Oseberg artifacts, returns with a rune stone from the coast. The rune has a code. Of course, what Allan and Sigurd have uncovered is a treasure map, one that will take them to “the Eye of Odin,” an island exactly where the Vikings met their disastrous fate in the beginning of the film. Sigurd must also take his kids along with, because it’s summer vacation (and rainy Finnmark is exactly where Ragnhild does not want to go; teenagers). Throw in Elisabeth (Sofia Helin), Allan’s partner and Sigurd’s love interest, and a crotchety local guide Leif (Bjorn Sundquist), and you have yourself a tame Norwegian Indiana Jones-style adventure.

On the Eye of Odin, Sigurd and accompany encounter an abandoned Soviet bunker (where better to hide from…), the “creature of Midgard” and recycled plot points. While RAGNAROK will certainly make you want to visit Finnmark and Norway (the vistas are gorgeous), it will also leave you wanting more. The film is enjoyable and fun, suitably heartwarming with decent special FX. There’s nothing surprising about this movie, but because it’s Norwegian, it at least looks and sound different than what we’re accustomed to. Even so, RAGNAROK devolves into a predictable monster movie (the map wasn’t a map, it was a warning; then why direct people TO IT?), without banking on the cool and interesting Norse mythos that we began with and the title promises.

Ragnarok (“fate/twilight of the Gods”) is an apocalyptic event, one in which many of Norse’s Gods perish (such as Odin, Thor and Tom Hiddleston). The world becomes submerged in water, and afterwards, the surviving Gods reunite, and a new world emerges with two human survivors tasked with repopulating the Earth. Admittedly that’s a lot to ask for, but that is not close to what we see in RAGNAROK, nor is it likely what we’ll see in THOR 3, even though that’s absolutely what it should be (a disaster/apocalyptic movie in Asgard? Hel yes).

RAGNAROK opens in theaters and arrives On Demand AUGUST 15th, 2014. For more information on the film, check out its website and FB.

Well, this is why we’re here. This is why I have permanent back damage and could sleep until next year’s Comic-Con at this point.

What do we have in store for us? RDJ intro’d the panel two years ago. Hiddleston did last year. Is James Spader going to bring on some Ultron? Are we going to see the Vision? Are we going to see the complete Phase 3 cast (Inhumans, Black Panther, IM 4, Hulk, Thor 3, Cap 3?)? Is Benedict Cumberbatch or Joaquin Phoenix Dr. Strange or is it a mystery third person (I can grow that beard, bitches)? Josh Brolin is here. Do we get a taste of Thanos?! Can I possibly adore Elizabeth Olsen any more than I already do? Will a woman or a black character get their own movie? Will Bradley Cooper show up in a garish raccoon costume? Will we somehow fit the entire Guardians of the Galaxy movie into the time slot? Will I ejaculate all over my neighbors? Stay tuned.

We’re on. Oh wait, we’re not. The audience is chanting, clapping in unison, we’re one minute away from the fucking wave.

For the record, the wave started exactly a minute later. The only time I’ve ever predicted something right this week.

Maybe the hour and a half gap before the WB TV panel will be filled merely by this panel starting so late. Which is disappointing, since I need a nap pre-Gotham.

Is a live blog truly live without me time stamping every comment? (Answer: No; but do you need to know I wrote this at 5:42:18 PM?).

Um, since when did Andy Serkis have an undisclosed role in Avengers: Age of Ultron? He’s apparently helping to mo-cap Hulk.

Eddie Ibrahim is up again.

We get an awesome recap of the entire Marvel Universe, capped with some great footage of Guardians of the Galaxy, which is going to be the best movie Marvel has made, btw (the 10th Marvel movies). Then we see Thanos in his space chair, threatening mankind. Awesome.

Kevin Feige is here, and so is Chris Hardwick of course.

Hardwick: has made a visually stunning film that’s hilarious. Big ups to James Gunn.

ANT-MAN time. Peyton Reed, the director. Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas are here (and Douglas is looking rough/awesome). Corey Stoll is here, the villain in the film: YELLOWJACKET. Playing the daughter of Hank Pym is EVANGELINE LILY as Hope Van Dyne. An interesting name choice.

This is the 20th anniversary of Peyton Reed’s first Comic-Con. Paul Rudd is popping his Comic-Con cherry, and clearly slightly overwhelmed.

Rudd is excited by challenge, thrilled to be working with such great people.

Michael Douglas admits to “popping up enough cherries.” Chris Hardwick wants to talk about that for the next hour, and so do I. Douglas has looked at Marvel from afar and has never really made a movie with the kind of technological tools this will have. Has clearly done his research: name-drops the year of Ant-Man’s creation, his creator, Stan Lee. Talks about his powers. This is the story of a heist, because his partner, Corey/Yellowjacket. Most of the budget will be removing Paul Rudd’s massive muscles.

Evangeline Lily on Hope Van Dyne: Very glad to announce it, and finally done evading press. Doesn’t have a script yet. But she is Hank Pym’s daughter, a crazy different detail from the source material. Professes love for us, been beloved in Hall H since Lost in 2005.

Corey Stoll on Yellowjacket: Was Hank Pym’s mentee, genius scientist as well. Have taken over the company, in what “judgmental people think is in an evil direction.” Attains some Pym particles (gross), and puts on a Yellowjacket suit.

Ant-Man starts filming in two weeks in Atlanta. Filmed something for us….we don’t see Paul or Michael, but we hear them, bickering about the nature of being a hero, and how Rudd isn’t a superhero, which is exactly why he’s perfect (and not a moron, like Douglas posits heroes are). We see the suit, we see ants, we see him flying on them, and get a brief glimpse at the visual flair in this movie. It’s fun.

Downey comes in a striking suit to Michael Jackson’s Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough. He throws roses from a briefcase into the crowd. Renner dances awkwardly. Mark Ruffalo comes in a little bit more unassuming. Chris Hemsworth. Cobie Smulders arrives, accepting a white rose from Downey. Samuel L. Jackson comes on, like he would. Chris Evans is buff as shit. Downey’s announcing them as they come in. Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Quicksilver. Paul Bettany as Vision. James Spader as Ultron. Elizabeth Olsen as Scarlet Witch. This is insane.

Hardwick: “This is good. This is good. This is supposed to happen. Welcome, Avengers.”

Downey: Keeps getting better, and the bench gets larger.

Renner admits to wearing pants, unfortunately. “Always thrilling, man….glad to be here. Very honored.” Never envisioned this, but is blessed.

Ruffalo is fairly flabbergasted by the love. Hulk gets the first chant. Hardwick warns the crowd not to get him excited…

Hemsworth loves being part of this madness. What has he not been able to do yet? “Turn him into a woman. Great idea. I don’t want to speak too early and jinx it, but it could be my Oscar.” Incredible.

Smulders didn’t expect this to keep going on, but hoped that. Joss brought her into the world, and “so grateful.”

Evans and Hemsworth apparently compare muscle, and Hemsworth wins (“it’s not a costume, he is Thor”). Steve is up to speed, but still looking for a place to belong. Searching for home.

Taylor-Johnson intimidated to join the group, but happy Joss wanted him in. Loves the banter, enjoys Marvel movies, and excited for a part in this one.

Bettany know has to work for his money. He used to go to a dark room for 45 minutes and walk out with a bag of cash. “The most exciting thing that has ever happened to my kids.” “They had no interest in what I did until this month.”

James Spader always thought the world could never be crazy or weirder than he thought. Until SDCC. “This place might be the weirdest, craziest place I’ve ever been.” Thanks us. “I play an 8 foot robot in this movie…and I’d always played humans up to now.” As startling and exciting as coming to Comic-Con for the first time. Everything was “so entirely new”: the process, the people, the world he was entering.

Olsen: Fun to bring magic into the world…”mutated people,” which elicits ooohs. Adds a new dynamic, not just “awesome punching.” Apparently she stares at pencils for hours trying to make it move.

Then the world explodes when Scarlett introduces the video for Avengers: Age of Ultron. Um, SPOILERS follow. A delightful party scene with the team (that also includes Maria Hill and Rhodey): everyone takes turns trying to grab Thor’s hammer, a la the sword in the stone. Tony and Rhodey try together, with their armor, to no avail. Bruce Banner tries and fakes getting excited/angry, and it’s not funny (and so funny). Steve Rogers actually makes it move, slightly, a moment that gives me a partial chub. Thor announces that none of them are worthy…and that’s when Ultron makes his appearance, agreeing, saying their existence is all that can save the world. Then he sends other Iron Man armor toward the team. Then shit goes DOWN. It looks like the apocalypse has happened. Iron Man breaks out the hulkbuster armor, and it looks INSANE. Hulk also touches hands with Black Widow. We see our first full glimpse of Ultron on his throne…and it’s exactly what you want him to look like. Ultron is going to destroy our boys. Spader’s voice is a masterstroke. We see a glimpse of Andy Serkis with a beard. He’s not just helping with mo-cap. He has a role; let the rampant speculation begin. The clip ends on the craziest note ever: Iron Man looking at the carnage around him, all of his comrades in arms, collapsed or worse, Cap’s shield BROKEN IN HALF. Boom.

Then…Josh Brolin marches into the room wearing the Infinity Gauntlet. He demands a rose from Downey, who relents, and Thanos/Brolin EATS it. The excitement is almost suffocating in this room.

The panel appears to be over, but there’s one more clip to run: Chris Pratt and James Gunn joking around in London, wondering how they’d follow an Avengers panel. They jokingly talk about telling us about Guardians of the Galaxy 2 without Kevin Feige’s say so. It’s clearly staged, but Gunn and Pratt are so lovable it works anyways. And besides, GUARDIANS is getting a sequel before it even comes out: July 28th, 2017. Fuck yes.

What’s awesome about all this, is how into it the Avengers cast is. Robert especially loves his role as ring leader and host. Everyone’s psyched to be here. We might be looking at this moment as Marvel Studios’ pinnacle…or perhaps we’re just getting started, as Elizabeth Olsen intimated, now that they’re adding magic and mutated people.

Thank you Marvel for putting on a show, and good night everybody. Gotham, The Walking Dead Escape and sweet, sweet slumber awaits.

Until last weekend, I had never seen ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, a 1987 classic from director Chris Columbus. This is to say, that until last weekend, I had never lived.

The film, which you can guess at even if you don’t already know the film by heart, is about Chris Parker (eternal teen crush Elisabeth Shue), a High school senior tasked with taking care of a hormonal High school freshman Brad (Keith Coogan) and his younger sister Sara (Maia Brewton).

Of course Brad has a crush on Chris, and of course he’s way too old to have a babysitter (15), but that situation is as old as mankind itself, and just as relatable. I’m sure the cavemen were doing the same thing, and besides, this was the 80’s, dammit. Throw in a comedic, sarcastic jackass sidekick in Daryl (Anthony Rapp of RENT fame, another Chris Columbus joint) and an annoying “best friend” of Chris’ in Brenda (THE ARTIST and KINDERGARTEN COP’s Penelope Ann Miller), and you have the makings of adventure.

Brenda is only one thing: the inciting incident, because she decides she wants to run away from home. She gets to the train station before she’s out of money, crying and requiring rescue. That plot point is almost entirely forgotten (thankfully) once it successfully brings Chris and the kids out of the suburbs and into…the city, where all manner of hijinx and danger can happen. Brenda loses her glasses and sucks for the rest of the movie, providing ready made bathroom breaks.

Once in the city, I’m not really sure how Chris and company become carjacked by “badass” criminal Joe Gipp, but Joe Gipp is awesome (above), and because Brad steals a Playboy with some vague super secret plans written in them once at Gipp’s bosses lair, Chris and company have marked targets on their backs.

The 80’s touchstone is probably the 79th most important film ever made, for many reasons. For one, it was Chris Columbus’ directorial debut. The guy went on to define everyone’s childhood with HOME ALONE, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK and MRS. DOUBTFIRE. Say what you want about the first two HARRY POTTER films, but the guy presumably had the last say on almost all of the casting and created that rich, magical film world. Most would argue that Alfonso Cuaron truly fleshed it out, and added whimsy, depth and gravity to the proceedings, but Columbus gave him a strong foundation to explore. He clearly gets kids, and may be one of the best directors for children’s movies ever, and he had a knack for creating a rollicking family movie from the get go.

(The less said about BICENTENNIAL MAN, the better.)

Chris Parker was perfect, not only because she had a guy’s name, and that’s hott (I blame DAWSON’S CREEK), but because she was portrayed by Elisabeth Shue (she’s really good at the above look).

Elisabeth Shue is one of the most fascinating actresses of the 1980’s. Her breakout role came as Ali in the original KARATE KID. When I watched that film for the first time as a kid, I was captivated by her the moment I saw her, much like the king, Ralph Macchio, who was about the most relatable teenager there is. There’s nothing more embarrassing than this awkward meet up on their first date:

I also couldn’t have rooted for their romance more during their theme park visit.

Soon, Elisabeth Shue became the dream girl, but an attainable one, because she always seems so nice, charming and genuine. She has that girl next door vibe, hell, she might have created it, and is one of the reasons our childhoods seem so depressing by comparison, since girls like Elisabeth Shue don’t exist next door. Or if they did, I wouldn’t be wasting my Friday afternoon writing about a movie that features Bradley Whitford’s finest onscreen performance as dickhead boyfriend (his license plate actually reads “So Cool”).

After KARATE KID, Shue apparently starred in LINK, where she had to outsmart a murderous orangutan, which has vaulted to the top of my To-Watch list. But it was her leading role in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING that truly launched her career and cemented her place as 80’s heartthrob. She would go on to win Tom Cruise’s heart in COCKTAIL and Michael J. Fox’s in BACK TO THE FUTURE II and III (she replaced a wooden Claudia Wells in the sequels).

There was a lull in the early 1990’s, or at least that’s my assumption, since I’ve hardly heard of any of her roles during that time, until LEAVING LAS VEGAS, when she slayed embodying the hooker with the heart of gold trope. She had the pleasure of watching Nicolas Cage kill himself with alcohol, a thankless role that netted her Shue’s only Oscar nomination. She followed that up with Woody Allen’s DECONSTRUCTING HARRY in 1997, and has bounced around since (including a turn in the star-studded PIRANHA 3D), until landing a role in CSI in 2012.

Shue’s best performance was likely LEAVING LAS VEGAS (thus, Oscar recognition), but ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is probably my favorite. She’s not simply the leading man’s love interest. Here, she’s the star and manages to do it all: slapstick comedy, romance, heartbreak, singing, dancing and Schwarzeneggerian one-liners. There might not be a better line than, “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.”

(This comes after Brad stupidly/adorably defends Chris in front of the Lords of Hell, by calling him a big city scum sucker, and then getting a knife in the toe a la Chandler on FRIENDS)

Her lip-syncing to The Crystals’ “Then He Kissed Me” during the opening credits of ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is a veritable star is born moment. The exact time and place when Elisabeth Shue became the girl next door of the 1980’s, a look and vibe that was copied and borrowed time and time again in many movies after. In most slasher flicks, the monstrous villain is running after a version of Elisabeth Shue, because we care about Elisabeth Shue.

That is literally a female version of Tom Cruise in RISKY BUSINESS. Then there’s this hilariously bad “Babysitting Blues” performance to save their lives:

But…Elisabeth Shue is not the best part about ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, though the movie would’ve tanked without her.

Nay, the best part was Sara, the youngest of the kids that Chris is responsible for. I don’t know if I can remember a movie where the youngest child is the best, funniest and coolest of the ensemble. They’re almost always annoying, living, breathing, spittling warnings against parenthood. Instead, Sara is a girl who wears Thor’s helmet, draws Thor comics, and has a Thor poster on her wall. In the 1980’s, almost thirty years before Chris Hemsworth would make the Norse God a sex symbol and supremely cool. Sara has all the best lines, is mischievous, sassy, and has a good heart. She is so great that I hope I run into her adult self and fall in love. Where are you, Maia Brewton?

This clip, which likely was buried in a time capsule to show future mankind (or the aliens of GALAXY QUEST) what life was like in 1987, is probably the greatest thing ever:

Can you imagine seeing that today? Thor is a legitimate plot point in the movie. She has a replica Mjolnir, she wears the helmet, wears a red cape and matching Weasley Christmas sweater, and their asses are saved BY Thor.

And by Thor, I mean Dawson, a blond giant mechanic who kinda looks like a Santa Mall version of Thor. Dawson is played by a blond Vincent D’Onofrio, which is one of the least heroic things I can think of. Even in 1987, it barely works:

But it’s no less awesome to behold, which is what I could say for the entire 102 minutes of this movie.

ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is chock full of moments where you’ll just giggle and comment, “Oh, the eighties,” sigh and wish you were back there, at least for a John Hughes curated school dance.

There’s even an endearing dude with a claw.

A BLACK WIDOW film has been… listed. Not “announced” per say, but it has its own IMDb page so gosh golly gee, it must be true! We, the people, have been surrounded by every superhero imaginable for years now (how many versions of Batman and Superman have we suffered through over the past countless decades?) and we are finally starting to see a lady at the end of the tunnel. Let’s go down a brief (and incomplete) list to see what’s already out there – past, present and future* – in the realm of live-action superhero television and films.

ANT-MAN (1 movie)*

ARROW (TV show in season 2)

BATMAN (9 movies, 1 TV show)

BIRDS OF PREY (TV cancelled after 13 episodes in 2002)

BLACK WIDOW (3 supporting/ensemble movie appearances, 1 movie)*

CAPTAIN AMERICA (8 movies)*

CATWOMAN (multiple appearances, 1 horrible movie in 2004)

DOCTOR STRANGE (2 movies)*

FANTASTIC FOUR (5 movies)*

GREEN LANTERN (2 movies)*

GOTHAM (TV, included separately because it exists in Batman’s universe but isn’t about Batman)*

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY (1 movie)*

IRON MAN (5 movies)*

JUSTICE LEAGUE (1 movie)*

SUPERMAN (8 movies, 2 TV shows)

THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN (10 movies)*

THE FLASH (TV show, and 1  movie)*

THE INCREDIBLE HULK (7 movies, 1 TV show)*

THOR (5 movies)*

WOLVERINE (8 movies, probably more, including cameos)*

WONDER WOMAN (TV show from 1975-1979, 1 movie)*

X-MEN (6 movies)*

Pretty impressive list we’ve got there, right? Pretty testosterone heavy list, too. Sure, we absolutely have some supporting females here and there – re: Catwoman (not the movie!), Lady Sif, the X-Women, etc – but on the whole, the list is fairly male-centric. Don’t misunderstand me here, folks: this is not a feminist-rant-post, or an angry-at-men post, but merely a “we’ve-got-some-kickass-heroine’s-out-there” post that does not quite understand why we haven’t taken advantage of the abundance of awesome womens we’ve got.

I, and I believe many others, have had the unfortunate pleasure of witnessing one too many arguments surrounding the idea that superhero films (or any films) that feature a female lead will bomb at the box office. Women don’t have the “universal appeal” that men do or some other silly thing like that. I firmly and wholeheartedly disagree, especially when it comes to superheroes. Women will go see these films because they’re such a rarity and we’re dying to get one of our own up there in a lead role, and men will see them because SCARLETT JOHANSSEN IN SPANDEX. It’s a win-win situation.

Another great argument I’ve heard (which was a personal favorite of mine) was that Wonder Woman doesn’t need her own film. Number 3. See here. While I absolutely accept and agree that her mythology does not lend well to cinematic adaptation, that doesn’t mean that a) it’s impossible or that b) that she doesn’t need a film. Just because it would be difficult to get her a working, relatable backstory on screen that does not mean that she shouldn’t get one. (Hands off, Brett Ratner, Simon Kinberg and Zak Penn. You three have ruined enough.)

And it may sound ungrateful that I’m whining when we’re finally getting both a Black Widow and a Wonder Woman film in the foreseeable future, but it should absolutely sound ungrateful. Because we, both women and the general comicfan population, should not have to be grateful that a heroine is finally getting to star in her own film. It’s a no-brainer when it comes to adapting a male hero, but somehow the ladies always get the boot. And I don’t think it’s a lack of desire from the fanbase that is holding back our heroines, but instead a lack of understanding on the studios part: they don’t know how to write our heroines. It’s hard enough to write a complex character, but for many female roles they tend to be broken down so simply that they fall through the cracks and become nothing but fluff.

My proposed solution? FIND NEW WRITERS. There are a ton of screenwriters who can master the complex female character without pigeonholing her into one stereotype or another, and maybe that’s a huge part of why we’ve waited so long to put Black Widow at the forefront of her own adventure; the writers that were bringing her to life onscreen had time to test her, find her strengths and skills off the page and are now comfortable enough with her as a character that they feel confident they can give her a successful film. And maybe that’s what the plan is for Wonder Woman, too. An introduction to Diana Prince in BATMAN VS SUPERMAN, another supporting role in JUSTICE LEAGUE to iron out the kinks and then finally a film of her own to succeed in.

I’ll admit that it’s a fairly decent plan of attack but it’s not good enough anymore, Hollywood. It’s time to find new writers who can do it right on the first try. No more bombed films, no more canned pilots. Make me the perfect RED SONJA film (not the 1985 atrocity) and do it now. We’ve got enough hugely popular and successful superdoods in tights roaming around that it’s time for some superladies to start winning the box office, too.

Meet Gal Gadot, the new Wonder Woman.