It’s hard to come up with a movie that’s targeting someone more differently than me than John Madden’s The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. I’ve never even seen the first film (is there a more unlikely “franchise” than this?), but it’s a testament to the cast (the British Avengers of AARP) and the genuine heart of the filmmakers that I was delighted from the start.

Yes, the movie is heavy-handed, schmaltzy and predictable. But it’s impossible not to be charmed and entertained by everyone in the ensemble. Within the opening moments, Dame Maggie Smith has insulted America several times and administered a stern lesson on serving tea. It’s low hanging fruit, but a bull’s-eye is a bull’s-eye, even on an aggressively easy target. The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel takes place eight months after the events of the first film (but amazingly four years in real time since the first movie), and Sonny Kapoor (Dev Patel) has his eager eyes, nose and heart set on expanding. The Exotic Marigold is full, thriving, and Kapoor sees it as his destiny to open a chain, setting up a meeting in San Diego with David Straithairn, effortlessly playing the head of a (socially acceptable) hotel conglomerate (Evergreen). Muriel Donnelly (Maggie Smith) and Sonny are a rare team with uncommon chemistry, so it’s no surprise an agreement is made…so long as a guy sent undercover finds the hotel satisfactory.

That guy, Sonny surmises, is Guy Chambers, a new guest to the hotel. It’s hard to blame him, since Guy Chambers is played by Richard Gere, his slightly jarring appearance in this movie a reminder that we all age. But Gere’s still got it, certainly. Of course, Sonny’s assumption of Guy’s true identity seems destined for tragedy, especially considering Lavinia Beach (Episodes’ Tamsin Greig) checks in the same day. While the intrusive, over-the-top Sonny attempts to satisfy Guy’s every need, Mr. Chambers is more concerned with Sonny’s Mom, the crabby Mrs. Kapoor (Lillette Dubey), much to Sonny’s disbelief. Sonny has a lot on his plate in this movie, which means we get to see Dev Patel run around panicking, like a chicken with his head cut off, throughout. It’s wonderful. Sonny has to prepare for his impending engagement party and wedding to the stunning Sunaina (Tina Desai). But, of course, wealthy romantic rival Kushal (Shazad Latif) has shown up to teach Sunaina how to dance.

There’s not a plot point that hasn’t been used in a soap opera, Bollywood or otherwise, but it still mostly all works. Madge (Celia Imrie) complains to anyone who will listen about having to choose between two affluent Indian suitors. Judi Dench’s Evelyn Greenslade and Bill Nighy’s Douglas Ainslie have the best will-they-won’t-they relationship ever, and you can bet Douglas’ not-quite ex-wife Jean Ainslie (Doctor Who’s Penelope Wilton) shows up. Norman (Ronald Pickup) accidentally puts a hit on his lover Carol (Diana Hardcastle) with a Tuk-tuk driver. These old people are up to so many hijinks, guys!

Can we all take a second to stop and appreciate the insanely charming Dev Patel? It is about to be Dev Patel week, after all. The Slumdog Millionaire and Newsroom star not only charms the hell out of the screen in The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, but he creates artificial intelligence in Chappie, which opens the same day in theaters. I’ve loved him ever since Slumdog, and he’s done no wrong since, showcasing a wide range and generating a limitless pool of empathy. This is a movie that hinges upon Dev Patel screwing up repeatedly, blissfully, never listening, his Sonny an uncontrollable, manic ADD addled sitcom Dad. It’s all over-the-top, but Patel sells it, and makes it feel real, the ultimate underdog, someone everyone wants to root for. That’s why I’d love to see him as the next Spider-Man.

The film is hectic; there’s a lot going on in this soap opera. It’s easy to envision the film as a BBC show, thanks to its ensemble nature (and the  nature of its ensemble) and excessive juggling of subplots. But the fast pace works, anachronistic with the slow ambling steps made by most of its cast. It’s refreshing to see a movie about old people not feel old. The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is an affirmation of life (“a new beginning near the end”), an old-people-love-and-have-sex too flick, that life doesn’t have to end after retirement. Every movie should have a climactic Bollywood dance number, and whether you’re 20 or 70, you’ll want to go to India and seek one out. Madden’s film has a tendency to be over-philosophical, yet when Maggie Smith or Bill Nighy or Judi Dench are sharing their wisdom, you almost have to take it at face value (talk about gravitas). When Muriel says goodbye, it feels like Maggie Smith is saying goodbye, something worth getting choked up about.

At one point, the Exotic Marigold Hotel is reviewed thusly: that while it has so many problems in its operations, it can get away with a lot because the guests adore Sonny and his employees. This parallels the film: this movie can get away with a lot because everyone is so likable.

THE SECOND BEST EXOTIC MARIGOLD HOTEL hits theaters March 6, 2015.

I’ll be completely honest, I went to see this movie for Kevin Kline. I didn’t remember the last time I had seen a Kevin Kline movie, or even seen one advertised (I had blissfully forgotten his role in Last Vegas). It was likely Emperor’s Club, a Dead Poet’s Society knock-off, which was TWELVE years ago. I suppose that says more about me as a moviegoer than Kevin Kline as an actor, because he’s kept busy. But it certainly feels like we’ve seen less of Kevin Kline on the big screen than the world needs. The guy is a rare talent, who has devoted much of his time to the theater in recent years. In that context, his starring role in My Old Lady makes even more sense, considering its origins as an acclaimed play.

The play’s writer and director, Israel Horovitz, makes his feature film debut with the film adaptation of his own work, and doesn’t stop at Kevin Kline. He brings along (Dame) Maggie Smith and Kristin Scott Thomas, blessed with three of the best actors alive, all with the rare kind of artsy chutzpah and cache that critics and casual movie fans can appreciate. This coup immediately brings whispers of Oscars, Golden Globes and the promise of award shows.

That said, I’d be really surprised if My Old Lady gets any love.

Mathias Gold (Kline) arrives in Paris with one small duffel bag and ownership of a Parisian apartment, left to him by his estranged father. As he walks through the massive, two-story establishment, complete with a massive garden, IN THE MIDDLE OF PARIS, it appears that Mathias has hit the jackpot (a pricetag of 12 million euros is a conservative estimate). Until he discovers Mathilde Girard (Smith) dozing on an armchair. Apparently his father bought the apartment from her as a viager, an archaic but no less valid French real estate treatise, in which the buyer must pay the seller a stipend every month until the seller dies. Mathilde, now 92, still lives, so instead of owning this apartment outright, Mathias has instead inherited a debt of 2,400 euro a month that he must pay so long as Mathilde lives. A British Betty White, we all know Maggie Smith is going to live forever (please!), and stories Mathias hears of Frenchwomen living into their 120’s only adds to his frustration and despair. It’s clear he has no money, nothing to his name, that this apartment was his only chance at getting above water.

He strikes an agreement to stay at the apartment with Mrs. G until he figures out his next move. This is complicated when he meets Madam Girard’s daughter Chloe (Kristin Scott Thomas), who wants Mathias out, incensed that he would sell the apartment to a sleazy French businessman who wishes to turn the entire block into a hotel. And Mathias can do exactly that: while he owns the debt, he does own the apartment, and while the viager agreement considerably dilutes the price of the estate, there’s still much money left to be had in the banana stand.

The pleasure in My Old Lady is to see the back and forth between Kline, Smith and Scott Thomas, but I couldn’t help but wish I saw them do it on stage, since some of the magic is assuredly lost in translation. With the film, Horovitz takes Mathias and Chloe out into the back streets of Paris, or along the Seine, or by Notre Dame, and while it’s lovely to look at, it mostly serves to drag things out, and lessen the tension. Keeping the action at the apartment would make things more claustrophobic, intense and dramatic.

The idea of a viager seems so ridiculous (you’re betting on when someone will die), that it’s a perfect conceit for a play/movie, but when the movie devolves into misery, with Mathias stumbling off the wagon, and both he and Chloe complaining about their childhood and loveless parents, My Old Lady feels wrong. No one wants to hear people complain, or bemoan themselves, and blame other people for their shortcomings, and for too long, that’s what Mathias and Chloe do. When we discover that Mathilde isn’t exactly innocent, and that the seeds of Mathias’ depression are all wrapped up in his inheritance, we forgive their dreary monologues, because it’s heavy, Doc. And of course, yes, we’re in for a character arc (depressed arse looking to sell the apartment reaches enlightenment/falls in love), but it’s predictable and sullied by a romance that feels as forced as it does serendipitous.

In My Old Lady, we’re blessed to see three of the greatest actors working today share a Parisian apartment, but unfortunately, we have to see them in just an okay movie.

MY OLD LADY opens in New York and Los Angeles on September 10^th, 2014.

Sixty four characters from J.K. Rowling’s life defining series of books (and the films that WB lovingly adapted) made it through the Goblet of Fire. Unless you’re Crabbe and Goyle (and shame on you if you are), everyone that made it into this March Madness-style Triwizard Tournament received at least some love in the proceedings.

And that’s how it should be. Each and every time something like this is organized, I’m sure a new winner is crowned. Harry Potter is so rich and full with brilliant, multi-faceted characters, and everyone has their own favorite. Now we know the favorite of our tiny corner of the universe, as a winner is crowned on the 16th anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts.

Was there any doubt that a witch or wizard from Gryffindor (“Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.”) would stand above all the rest when it was all said and done? Perhaps it’s surprising who ended up as the internet’s champion, as Harry Potter himself, Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley, and the Weasley Twins, were nowhere to be found holding the mantle of favorite/best Harry Potter universe character when it was all said and done. It was none other than Hermione Granger, who out-prepared the field, never coming close to defeat, taking out the might that is the Weasley Twins in the finals, with a whopping 76.5% of the vote. Here’s the final bracket, as Granger vanquished Dean Thomas, Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore and the Weasley Twins en route to holding the Triwizard Cup.

In other words:

After every March Madness tournament, CBS Sports airs “One Shining Moment,” a video featuring the highlights of the games, the drama, the tears, the excitement. Grant Belcher, an enormously talented friend of the site, fashioned his own version for this tournament. It’s very easily the best thing that’s ever come out of Seven Inches of Your Time since its inception. Without further ado, here is Hermione Granger’s One Shining Moment:

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It’s all come down to this.

After a torturous tournament run that can only be described as Azkabanian (I’d rather have taken my N.E.W.T.’s), twothree wizards remain.

Fred and George Weasley, the twin champions of comedy, took out Harry Potter himself (“We got Potter! We got Potter!”), en route to representing the Burrow and all that’s light, frothy and jokesy about the world.

Hermione Granger, the bushy-tailed every-woman nerd, vanquished Albus Dumbledore, showing book smarts still matters in an age where books are dying.

Now opposites face off. Fred and George Weasley dropped out of Hogwart’s to pursue a career in making people laugh. Hermione would rather die than let that happen…though of course, we never see her graduate from Hogwart’s either, as she sorted out her priorities. Can she sort out the twins?

As Oliver Wood would say, “This is it.”

“The big one,” said Fred Weasley.

“The one we’ve all been waiting for,” said George.

They know Oliver’s speech by heart, and you know the drill by now…so without further ado, VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE HARRY POTTER CHARACTER!

Voting ends Thursday May 1st at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote till your fingers bleed. You may need a pint of Butterbeer, or seven, from Madam Rosmerta’s private reserve to make a decision.

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Only eight witches and wizards remain in this crazed March Madness-style tournament of HARRY POTTER characters. Allow me to illuminate the bracket for you. LUMOS!

None of the survivors are Ron Weasley. If there was one person I’m fine with one of the all-time greats losing to, it’s his dear ole mum, the patron saint of parenthood/awesome, and the den mother of the Burrow/all of us, Molly Weasley.

Whimsy and quirk were defeated once and for all, as Luna Lovegood was no match for the Half-Blood Prince, one Severus Snape, and I have no quibble(r)s about it.

Harry’s father figures are like squibs: we don’t want any part of that shit, as Sirius Black succumbed to the veil once again.

Death Eaters have also been eradicated, as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Bellatrix Lestrange have been Avada Kedavra’d from the proceedings.

Its humans only, as Hedwig has taken his final flight.

Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom, as has been fated, will face off for a spot in the Final Four. But will it even matter, with Snape, Lupin, Hermione or Dumbledore emerging on the other side, and the King or Queen of Weasley’s standing in their way to the Championship?

We’ve arrived to the Elite 8, when decisions are more painful than splinching, or as exhausting as Hermione’s class schedule sans a time turner. Was Harry truly the right Chosen One? Can the Weasley twin wheeze past their mother? Can Hermione dispatch our favorite Professor/werewolf, Remus Lupin? Can Snape outwit his second and truest master, Albus Dumbledore? Time to find out.

Voting lasts through the weekend, until April 27th at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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The first two rounds of our March Madness style Harry Potter bracket has been fun, mildly diverting. Relatively easy. It was like remedial potions. Now the bracket looks like this (click on the image to make it larger):

Now it gets brutal. Sirius. Like cruciatus curse painful. It’s time to forever sort your priorities. Voldemort takes on Dumbledore. Harry gets a chance at vengeance against Bellatrix. Neville faces his toughest test yet…an owl. Hermione vs. McGonagall (!!). Ron against his mother. Fred and George must take down Sirius Black…and perhaps the biggest match of opposites ever: Luna Lovegood versus one Severus Snape.

Second round results and analysis is forthcoming (Hagrid loses to a character who was never alive for any part of the books…and that was the only upset). For rankings of the most recent losers, check this out. Let’s jump into this like Neville would a Herbology class.

Voting lasts until Wednesday, April 23rd, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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On Monday, we launched the first round of the March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. After four days of routs, combined with a few upsets (Oliver Wood for Prime Minister) that Professor Trelawney likely could have predicted in her sleep (which is how she does her predictions), NOW we’re jumping into the dark, murky depths of the tunnels of Hogwarts (Basilisk beware!), so deep and suffocating that even gillyweed wouldn’t save you.

Only 32 characters remain to achieve glory, angling for a spot in the Sweet Sixteen. Click on the bracket below for a better glimpse at the witches, wizards, owls, centaurs, muggles, ghosts, house elves and half-giants that remain.

For predictions and analysis from a lackluster Lee Jordan impression, check out our Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Bracketology. For commentary and tributes to the fallen favorites, consult Lee Jordan’s Unforgivable Bracket Results.

The easy answers have been made. Round 2 and beyond will serve to give us the answers that even Bathilda Bagshot doesn’t know the answer to, and you certainly wouldn’t find in A History of Magic. Who is Potterverse’s champion of quirky and cool: Tonks or Luna Lovegood? Is Kingsley Shacklebolt the most underrated HP character there is? Will anyone vote for the Dursley’s against Harry? Can the humble Hufflepuff house and their savior, Cedric Diggory, take down Sir Neville Longbottom? Can evil triumph when Bellatrix battles Mad Eye? Who is the internet’s favorite Weasley: Can Ginny beat her mother? Will the twins topple their father? Is anyone losing any sleep over Percy Weasley’s elimination? Does Lee Jordan, the unofficial bracket mascot/host, have what it takes to continue his Cinderella run? Are Oliver “Gives Me” Wood, Lily Potter and Firenze built to last in this tournament? The answers are coming, as Round 2 begins.

Voting lasts until Monday, April 21st, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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This past Monday, this silly HP-themed bracket was launched on this website that, I’ll tell ya, doesn’t pay well. We’re officially through with the opening round, with Round 2 kicking off NOW. To vote, GO HERE.

Over the course of the tournament, I, your thrilling/but totally bored host, Lee Jordan, will walk you through the twists, the turns, the soul-crushing defeats, the heart-soaring comebacks, and the Cinderella stories of this tournament. As always, I shall announce the results loud and clear so you won’t need extendable ears to hear it, wherever you may be on the interwebs.

The Burrow Region:

1. Ron Weasley DEF. 16. Seamus Finnigan: Ron, perhaps the favorite for the whole tournament, depending on whom you ask, managed to vanquish his first test, though it wasn’t a breeze like it was for Harry and Hermione. Kinda like his life. Seamus Finnegan was probably the toughest #16 seed though, and it showed, as Ron only received 81.2% of the vote.

Oh, Seamus:

8. Bill Weasley DEF. 9. Fleur Delacour: The odd couple was the closest match of the second half of Round 1, which proved to be less than thrilling. This was close (the Were-Weasley notched 56% of the vote), but still kinda milquetoast.

Hey, remember when Ron asked Fleur to the Yule Ball and she married his older brother?

5. Ginny Weasley DEF. 12. Cho Chang: I clearly underestimated the love for Ginny, as Mrs. Potter ran away with this one, (Jennifer) garnering 90% of the tallies. Maybe it’s because I go bro before ho’s, and Ginny’s the sister of my best mates. Smooth move, Potter. I guess Cho was kind of a bitch to Harry. Who cares about the death of Cedric, anyhow? Lame excuse.

No words:

4. Molly Weasley DEF. 13. Narcissa Malfoy: Molly destroyed Narcissa, and all is right in the universe.

Here’s Narcissa’s saving grace:

6. Arthur Weasley DEF. 11. Lucius Malfoy: People clearly love Jason Isaacs, because while Arthur won quite handily, only 70% seemed like a victory for Lucius. For awhile, Lucius was the scariest villain in the HP universe. He was Draco’s father, the man who created the nuisance to all creation, and before he became a wimp, he was one of the more imposing foes Harry faced…before You-Know-Who came back.

Here’s a tribute to the man, entitled “Dark & Beautiful,” which I in no shape or form watched, so good luck:

3. Fred & George Weasley DEF. 14. Charlie Weasley: Charlie seems like a nice enough bloke, but its the TWINS! Here here! F&G proved the biggest studs of the opening round in this region, netting 94.1% of the vote.

Because Charlie Weasley hardly exists, I give to you…a faux trailer or something for a Charlie Weasley film starring Seth Green in the titular role, and the dragons from DRAGONHEART:

10. Lee Jordan DEF. 7. Percy Weasley: 100 POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! Hooray, me! Finally, an upset, though I’d hardly call this one. It wasn’t even close, as I got nigh 80% of the votes. Sirius better watch his back.

Percy wasn’t going to get a video (nor does he deserve one), until I stumbled upon this:

2. Sirius Black DEF. 15. Buckbeak: Poor Buckbeak. He saves Sirius’ ass on multiple occasions, only survives because of some questionable time travel, and STILL, he gets whupped on by his buddy Mr. Black.

Good ole Buckbeak. Here’s our introduction to the proud, dangerous and wonderful creature, minus the awful Draco Malfoy bits that threatened to ruin that entire book/movie:

The Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof):

1. Severus Snape DEF. 16. James Potter: While Snape won handily, he also was by far the weakest top seed performer in the opening round, only receiving 69.9% of the vote. Snape is a mercurial, love/hate character, but James Potter, aside from spawning the Boy Who Lived, seemed like a right arse, and I expected Snape to destroy him and get his revenge. Snape moves on…but perhaps I’m overrating his appeal. Or am I underrating the loyalty to the Potter family?

8. Nearly Headless Nick DEF. 9. Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle scares the bejesus out of me, and John Cleese is a legend, and the whole idea of someone being “nearly headless” is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever heard.

Remember when Moaning Myrtle helped Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory win the Triwizard Tournament, and maybe ghost boink Cedric?

5. Nymphadora Tonks DEF. 12. Garrick Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, but not enough people chose Ollivander. I love Natalia Tena and the vivacious attitude of Tonks, and so does the Internet, though I was surprised by how many votes Ollivander received (getting almost 30% of the shares). John Hurt is the tits though.

4. Luna Lovegood DEF. 13. Viktor Krum: If the first round is any indication, Luna Lovegood might emerge victorious against Tonks in a battle of the weird and alternative. I would’ve guessed Viktor Krum would have more love than Ollivander, yet Luna pushed him off his broom and stomped on his face, coming away with 82.4% of the vote.

I’m with Ron; Krum sucks. Some other people disagree, however:

6. Kingsley Shacklebolt DEF. 11. Rufus Scrimgeour: In a battle of better Ministers of Magic than Cornelius Fudge, Kingsley proved the easy winner, racking up the second highest differential in the region. Whenever I read his name, I envision Ben Kingsley and Bolt from BOLT, hitching a ride on a Firebolt broom, perhaps with Love Shack playing in the background. It’s a wonderful image, and if anyone else in the world now thinks that when they happen upon Kingsley Shacklebolt, this whole tournament was a success.

Before we meet meet Rufus, he has one of the most badass introductions:

3. Voldemort DEF. 14. Nagini: Nagini is terrifying, because snakes are the worst, and it’s clear that only one man could defeat Nagini (Neville). But the horcrux is no match for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Nagini has many BIG moments in the series, but the Bathilda Bagshot scene in Godric’s Hollow takes the cake:

10. Aberforth Dumbledore DEF. 7. Filch & Mrs. Norris: For whatever reason, I always thought Filch and Mrs. Norris had a bizarre following comprised of cat people and prickly maids/butlers, but if there is, they aren’t on the Internet, as Aberforth plowed through the caretaker with ease, getting 77% of the votes cast in his general direction.

This is Everything:

Filch is the best, when you’re not the one in trouble:

2. Albus Dumbledore DEF. 15. Gellert Grindelwald: This probably would be the most epic wizarding duel ever, but instead, Albus was in cruise control, getting 86.1% of the vote en route to a match up against his (rightfully) resentful brother.

The Chosen One(s) Region:

1. Harry Potter DEF. 16. Cornelius Fudge: What, you expected the boy who lived not to survive the first round of his own bloody tournament? It certainly helps that he took on an oaf. Shockingly, four other matchups were bigger landslides than this duel, and Harry notched 96.4% of the vote. What can we learn from this? Not only were there a lot of lopsided affairs in Round 1 (thus far), but perhaps Harry Potter is not as invincible as one might think. A less likely possibility? There are Cornelius Fudge sympathizers. Bwahahahaaha.

As a send off, I give you Harry & The Potters performing…”Cornelius Fudge is an Ass”:

And for the six people who voted for Cornelius Fudge, he’s a video chronicling his journey from clueless politician to “total douchebaggery”:

9. The Dursleys DEF. 8. Peter Pettigrew: The masses have spoken. We’d much rather suffer through an unbearable childhood in a closet under the stairs and bullied by a fat moron, than deal with a man who betrayed his parents, leading to their premature deaths. Yeah, I suppose that makes sense, though it was actually the 5th closest battle. It’s pretty sad that the Dursleys were ever allowed to win anything in this stupid tournament. It’ll be no doubt be rectified next round, as the HP/Dursleys second round match is the early odds-on favorite for most lopsided of the bunch.

Here’s the big Scabbers reveal:

5. Mad Eye Moody DEF. 12. Mundungus Fletcher: Fletcher was one of the most useless and crappy characters Rowling created, and the evidence helps back up that assertion, as Moody rolled to a massive victory, garnering 96.6% of the vote, the fourth biggest margin in the tourney thus far.

Here’s Mundungus’ interrogation:

4. Bellatrix Lestrange DEF. 13. Griphook: So far, Bellatrix Lestrange is the only villainous character to survive the first round. Are HP fans a bunch of Pansy Parkinson’s? Or are they saving their love for the right villains? Clearly, Helena Bonham Carter’s Bellatrix is one of them, setting up a fascinating match between her and Mad Eye Moody.

Goblins are people too (okay, so not true, but you get my point), so let’s say farewell to the kinda nice creature with a scene from Shell Cottage:

6. Hedwig DEF. 11. Fawkes: Here I was, thinking Hedwig was a sleeper for the Sweet 16, because he’s a badass owl (and Harry’s badass owl), but he barely took out Fawkes. Did I overestimate Hedwig, or underrate Fawkes? I lean toward the latter, as this was the second closest fight of the first round, probably because of how useful the bird was throughout the series, its association with Dumbledore, and because somebody manipulated the voters by putting the picture of Fawkes crying. How do you vote against a crying bird? Who knew birds can cry? Well, phoenixes (phoenices? phoenii?) can do practically anything, another reason why the mystical creature almost took out the world’s most infamous snowy owl.

Look no further than these scenes from CHAMBER OF SECRETS to learn why Fawkes is so popular:

14. Oliver Wood DEF. 3. Draco Malfoy: This was by far the most thrilling match of the first round (thus far, though I doubt it’ll be topped). Oliver Wood’s name will be mentioned in the same breath as many of the all-time great upsets and Cinderella teams in history (Butler, Wichita State, Gonzaga, Florida Gulf Coast) following this nail-biting victory. Oliver Wood taught Harry, and all of us, Quidditch, and did so in a sexy accent, and was the Coach Taylor of the Gryffindor team. And that proved the difference, even though Team Felton almost made the comeback, coming two votes shy of a tie after trailing by a hefty deficit. Turns out Malfoy’s “good looks” couldn’t tip the scale with all of his other nasty traits. I’ll give it to him though, he sure can say “Potter” with the best of ’em.

Good riddance.

7. Cedric Diggory DEF. 10. Barty Crouch Jr.: Team Edward beats Team Tennant, and fairly handily, receiving 70.1% of the vote. In so doing, the Hero of Hufflepuff has announced his presence as a contender for a big-time run.

To say goodbye, here’s one of two scenes we actually see Barty Crouch Jr.’s true form, and it’s a doozy:

2. Neville Longbottom DEF. 15. Crabbe & Goyle: Well, this one just wasn’t fair. My preseason pick to win it all didn’t disappoint in his opening round game, as Neville is the only contender to receive 100% of the vote. Not one person could muster a vote for the dipshit twins. Maybe if they were Harry and Ron AS Crabbe & Goyle, Polyjuice style, it would’ve been a different story. Neville has a tougher test ahead of him in Cedric Diggory, and perhaps such a soft first round matchup might give our boy a false sense of security.

Because they didn’t get a single vote, I’m assuming that means no one cares they’re gone, so they don’t get a video.

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“It’s Levi-OSA” Region

1. Hermione Granger DEF. 16. Dean Thomas: The Giraffe proved little trouble for Hermione. While Dean Thomas received a higher percentage of votes (4.7%) than fellow 16 seed Cornelius Fudge (barely, 3.6%), I think Hermione’s performance is more impressive than Harry’s, because Fudge was a gimme matchup. Dean Thomas actually has fans, because he’s attractive, and could’ve knocked up Ginny.

Here’s “Save Ginny Weasley From Dean Thomas” by Harry & The Potters:

Or there’s this creepy Harry Potter as Norman Bates video:

8. Gilderoy Lockhart DEF. 9. Rita Skeeter: The fans have chosen ineptitude over conniving manipulator, a pretty salient statement on society. It was the third closest battle waged in the opening two regions, however, with Gilderoy escaping with 57.5% of the vote.

For awhile, Rita Skeeter was one of the most annoying thorns in Harry’s side…but I kind of remember her fondly now. Time heals wounds, people.

12. Firenze DEF. 5. Dolores Umbridge: Every year, a #12 seed topples a #5 seed, and oftentimes there is more than one. Firenze proves that adage true even when there isn’t basketball involved. Firenze proved to be more than capable of springing the upset, and it wasn’t even close, as he outclassed the Pink Puke, getting 77% of the vote.

Dolores was one of the most effective villains in the series, but she could not overcome a character with such unfortunate history with the character. Maybe it’s not so surprising after all. She clearly deserved it.

There are an infinite number of ways why we hate Dolores Umbridge. Here’s one of them:

4. Professor McGonagall DEF. 13. Professor Trelawney: Poor dear ole Trelawney. Always getting the short end of the stick, as she fell in lopsided fashion to Minerva, in the third biggest deficit of the two opening regions. McGonagall proved she’s a force to be reckoned with, because Trelawney’s a funny, whimsical character played by a popular actress. But Maggie Smith is kind of the ultimate trump card, and will likely end Firenze’s Cinderella story (imagine a centaur in glass slippers) before it gathers more steam.

When Trelawney gets fired, even Minerva had Trelawney’s back:

6. Dobby DEF. 11. Kreacher: No doubt Dobby is punishing himself for kicking out a fellow House Elf, probably preheating the oven before he can stuff his ears in it, or whatever else inane things the self-flagellating elf does in his free time.

Poor Kreacher. Here’s Kreacher before Harry started to treat him better:

3. Remus Lupin DEF. 14. Fenrir Greyback: Probably the biggest no brainer of the first round, maybe even more than the Fudge/Potter “match.” One of the most sympathetic, haunted, damaged and heroic characters in all the books…against the evil prick who turned him into a werewolf. Greyback’s a fearsome foe and villain…but he got what was coming here. Some evil bastard votes for Fenrir, but that only happened once, as Lupin very nearly swept his opening opponent, setting up a fascinating Lupin/Dobby duel in the Round of 32.

10. Lily Potter DEF. 7. Horace Slughorn: For a character who exists more in what other people say about her, or what we see in brief flashbacks, it’s incredible the backing Lily Potter has. Of course, it helps that she seems like the perfect human, and saved Harry’s life, saved Snape’s life by caring for him, and essentially cared for everyone. She’s the idyllic Mother, and while she lacks layers like many of the other characters in this bracket, she also has untold upside, after taking out her former Potions teacher and Slug Club host, receiving 72.5% of the vote. Something tells me Slughorn wouldn’t have minded.

Horace Slughorn is an amusing lout, and thanks to his Felix Felicis potion and jaunt with Harry, is one of the comedic highlights of the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. I wouldn’t say he deserved better, since he told Tom Riddle about Horcruxes, but I liked the guy. Here’s how we first met him:

2. Hagrid DEF. 15. Aragog: Hagrid’s likely bawling his eyes out and drinking himself into a stupor for defeating his old pal Aragog, as he got 91.2% of the vote, gliding into the second round against a far more daunting opponent: Lily Potter. Rooting against Lily Potter is like rooting against flowers and happiness and butterflies…but HAGRID, people.

Aragog’s a giant, scary spider…so there’s that. But…

“Farewell, Aragog, king of arachnids, whose long and faithful friendship those who knew you won’t forget! Though your body will decay, your spirit lingers on in the quiet, web-spun places of your forest home. May your many-eyed descendants ever flourish and your human friends find solace for the loss they have sustained.“

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To many, J.K. Rowling’s magical book series, and WB’s 8-film franchise was their everything. On July 21st, 2007, the final chapter, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS came out in the UK and the U.S. On July 15th, 2011, the film series unveiled its last hurrah, seemingly putting a poignant and final flourish & blotts on our childhoods. Many of us wish we had a time turner to relive it all again.

But luckily (even without felix felicis), Harry Potter never ends.

The boy who lived lives on in our hearts, and will forever. Every time you open one of the books, or throw on a film, you’re immediately Apparated back into the bewitching world Rowling created, rekindling the joys and optimism of youth. To commemorate Pottermore’s anniversary, and to have an excuse to revel in these wonderful characters again, we introduce you to this March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. Accio bracket! Click on the image below for a larger snapshot of the field.

Half the field have played in the opening round, and now we reach The Burrow and The Dark Arts (Or Defense Against Thereof) regions, as we seek to answer life’s greatest mysteries. Who is your favorite character from the world of HARRY POTTER? Who would you want to ask to the Yule Ball? Who do you think would make the best Minister of Magic, or headmaster of Hogwarts? Who would win in a duel? Interpret and divinate these match-ups in witch-ever way you’d like. This is hardly a Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test, but the agony of indecision may incur a reaction not unlike the side effects of Puking Pastilles. Now that Draco has fallen, can a Malfoy ever win? Will anyone besides Neville be perfect in the opening salvo? Who is your favorite Weasley? Who was Harry’s true love? Does Sirius Black have what it takes to take down the lovable Weasley family? Or will Buckbeak create the biggest upset in Harry Potter themed March Madness history? Do cat lovers even like Mrs. Norris, or do I not understand cat lovers? Who’s the best ghost of them all? For thoughts and analysis on the bracket, check out Lee Jordan’s Exclusive Bracketology.

Voting lasts until Thursday, April 17th, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

Round 2 (for all regions) starts Friday, April 18th at 8:00 AM PT. 

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Blessed with an abundance of time on my hands after PotterWatch (thankfully) no longer needed managing, I thought I might lend my commentary to this silly March Madness-style bracket (above). VOTE HERE.

Who’s a sleeper? Who will the glass slippers fit; who are the Cinderellas of the Yule Ball? WHO WILL WIN IT ALL? I’m breaking down the field, the regions, and predicting the potential upsets in this massive tournament. Refrain from using Love Potions on me, if you can.

“The Chosen One(s)” Region

Vote here.

1. Harry Potter vs. 16. Cornelius Fudge: I don’t even think Percy would vote against Harry in this one. PREDICTION: HP.

8. Peter Pettigrew vs. 9. The Dursleys: It’s a battle of pure suck. Is there a third option here? Pettigrew betrayed Harry’s parents, essentially dooming them to die, and then was undercover as Ron’s rats for years, and returned as a bumbling, sniveling henchman of You-Know-Who. The Dursleys also sucked, ruining Harry’s childhood, but at least didn’t do so magically. PREDICTION: THE DURSLEYS. Not that it matters. Harry will make either of them disappear like our Ten-Second Pimple Vanishers (now at the Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes) in the second round. I’d rather have a rash of pimples than the Dursleys for in-laws anyhow.

5. Mad Eye Moody vs. 12. Mundungus Fletcher: Moody’s creepy eye could take down MunDUNGus.

4. Bellatrix Lestrange vs. 13. Griphook: Bellatrix will have no trouble dispatching the slightly nice goblin, setting up one of the more intriguing Round of 32 matchups: Moody vs. Bellatrix, for a chance to fight (and lose to) Potter in the Sweet 16. Early on, it appears that HP fans are overwhelmingly on the side of good, but I think the love of Helena Bonham Carter knows no bounds, even though her character kills everything wonderful in this world. Unfortunately, a Bellatrix vs. Neville matchup seems far-fetched, given how (poorly) this region is constructed.

6. Hedwig vs. 11. Fawkes: I think Fawkes will put up more of a fight than one might expect, since he’s a bloody badass, loyal Phoenix with powerful tears. But Hedwig is a sleeper for the Sweet Sixteen, as the world’s third greatest owl will win a battle that ornithologists would cream their pants over.

3. Draco Malfoy vs. 14. Oliver Wood: I’ve never gotten the love that Tom Felton gets, or the weird sect of people who identify with Draco Malfoy and love his pissant character. He’s the worst. But, he is one of the biggest and most recognizable characters from our world, however, and the pale, dickhead look is popular, I s’pose…but Oliver Wood, the Keeper blessed with an Accent minted by the Gods, and the man that discovered and nourished Harry Potter’s love of Quidditch, makes me POP POP. I think Oliver Wood has the potential to be the biggest upset in the first round, and considering his popularity among the female crowd, he has the legs (those legs) and talent to be more than a one beater wonder.

7. Cedric Diggory vs. Barty Crouch Jr.: This battle may very well turn into a duel between actors, since Robert Pattinson and David Tennant might have fans crazier and more devout than ANYONE in the Potterverse. Of course, there’s innumerable backlash for Edward Cullen and TWILIGHT, while everybody loves DOCTOR WHO, and Tennant is the best Doctor ever. Unfortunately, Barty Crouch Jr. is a bit character in the series (or at least, we only see Tennant’s face as Crouch for like a scene or two), whereas Diggory is one of the more heroic characters in the entire series.

Diggory wins, though it might be close…setting up a wildly entertaining second round match up against…

…Neville Longbottom (#2). Crabbe and Goyle (#15) won’t know what hit them, and should be thankful they even made it into the field (I’m not sure how they made it to the right pitch without someone helping them).

This bracket certainly sets up pretty nicely for Harry on the front end, as the only problem he’ll face before landing gently into the Elite 8 is either Mad Eye Moody or Bellatrix Lestrange. I could see the latter posing more of a threat (and I expect Bellatrix to be the one Harry faces), but Harry should waltz into a battle with none other than Neville Longbottom for a chance at the Final Four, if Neville is able to weather the upstart sleepers on the bottom half of the bracket. Oliver Wood, Hedwig and Cedric Diggory all have rampant and undying followers, after all. BUT:

It’s Neville fucking Longbottom.

I will be shocked/inconsolable if Neville loses before facing off against Harry in the Elite 8, a battle that should be epic. But I think after 7 books and 8 movies hailing Harry as the Chosen One, the fans might rewrite the remake, here and now. I predict Neville getting out of this region (from a Sweet Sixteen field that includes Harry, Bellatrix and Hedwig).

BRACKET BUSTER? Of course, maybe Cedric Diggory will shock the world and take out Neville, and march on for a rematch of the real Triwizard Tournament against Harry in the Elite 8.

“The Burrow”

Voting starts tomorrow.

1. Ron Weasley vs. 16. Seamus Finnegan: Seamus is lovable, in a pompous git sort of way. But Won Won will win win.

8. Bill Weasley vs. 9. Fleur Delacour: Bill’s kind of the boring dud of the Weasley family (Charlie is the sexy mysterious Indiana Jones-type), though becoming scarred by Fenrir Greyback adds a nice level of sympathy to his character. Fleur’s gorgeous, but super annoying until the DEATHLY HALLOWS, where her maternal instincts prove a salve for Harry and company’s grueling undertaking. This is a coin flip, but when in doubt, go with a Weasley.

5. Ginny Weasley vs. 12. Cho Chang: They both have strong supporters, and also a lot of backlash among die hard fans, and I think this is one of the more intriguing match ups of the first round. People will see it as a battle for Harry’s heart, or who is the best fit (besides Madam Hooch) for Potter. I have a sneaking suspicion that the flat acting of Bonnie Wright might crush her chances, and let Cho Chang spring the upset. Plus, the alliterative name helps.

4. Molly Weasley vs. 13. Narcissa Malfoy: I actually thought Narcissa became an interesting character in the final books, as she truly is the foil for Molly, a loving mother on the wrong side of the battle. She loved Draco as much as Molly loved her children, and thankfully didn’t go to a Cersei Lannister place, instead giving up on Voldemort and the Death Eater movement, willing to give it all up to find her son. She also saved Harry’s life. That said, Molly Weasley will DESTROY HER, because like Dorothy Mantooth, Molly Weasley is a saint, and could even wipe the floor with Ron to get into the Elite 8. She won’t, but that’s how BAMF Molly Weasley is.

6. Arthur Weasley vs. 11. Lucius Malfoy: Lucius was one of the better villains of the early books and movies before becoming a train wreck. Arthur Weasley is the kind, bumbling, heart of gold father we all want to have, and should win in a blowout. Arthur taking on my boys in round 2 should prove very interesting indeed.

3. Fred & George Weasley vs. 14. Charlie Weasley: I’m biased, but there’s no way Fred and George don’t steamroll Charlie here.

7. Percy Weasley vs. 10. ME (Lee Jordan): Look no further than me as an upset pick in this first round, ladies and gentleman. WeatherbyPercy is the world’s biggest prat. He missed Bill’s wedding. He made Molly cry. As Ron said, Perce “wouldn’t recognise a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby’s tee-cosy.” He did rather triumphantly return to the fold, making amends with the Weasley clan in the middle of the Battle of Hogwarts, but I suspect the lingering resentment could help the bold, bodacious and sexy Lee Jordan to stroll into the second round. If you need any further convincing:

Mind blown.

2. Sirius Black vs. 15. Buckbeak: Buckbeak might be the best #15 seed in all Hogwarts, but the love of Sirius Black should be strong. Unfortunately, it’ll likely be enough to beat me in the second round, though if I managed to take out Sirius, I don’t know if there’d be an upset of greater Magnitude in the whole bracket.

Ron vs. Molly is a heartbreaking matchup in the Sweet 16, but I think Ron will win, if only because Molly couldn’t bear to lose to any of her sons, and because Rupert Grint.

Arthur vs. Fred and George is another match that doesn’t have a purely correct choice, but it’s Fred and George, and I suspect they even take down Sirius in the Sweet 16, preparing us for a Ron Weasley vs. Fred & George showdown for the Final Four. Right now, I think Ron will win…but I have to pick my best friends, the hilarious and lovable Fred & George, to take over this bracket.

BRACKET BUSTER? Aside from me, that is? I don’t see any but the top 3 seeds making it into the Elite 8 (with Molly, Ron, Sirius and Fred and George in the Sweet 16), though if someone else emerges, it’d likely be the leaders of the Weasley clan, Molly and Arthur Weasley. They created the greatest family in the world, after all.

“It’s Levi-Osa” Region

Vote here.

1. Hermione Granger vs. 16. Dean Thomas: Dean Thomas is hot (though he has a neck that’d make a Giraffe jealous), but it’s Hermione Granger, who might win the entire thing. Sorry Dean.

8. Gilderoy Lockhart vs. 9. Rita Skeeter: Two of the most successfully annoying characters of the novels, both played by British luminaries in Kenneth Branagh and Miranda Richardson. They’ll both be vanquished in short order by The Beautiful Bushy Haired One, but I think Lockhart will win, since Branagh is the bigger name.

5. Dolores Umbridge vs. 12. Firenze: Firenze should have an overwhelming amount of sympathy, since Umbridge is a vile, racist pig, but she’s also one of the best villains of the entire series. Firenze certainly plays a larger part in the books though, and nobody likes pink. I won’t be shocked by a Firenze upset, but I think an Umbridge/McGonagall fight might prove too enticing for voters.

4. Professor McGonagall vs. 13. Professor Trelawney: Against a weaker opponent, I think the idiosyncratic Sybill (played with gusto by Emma Thompson), could spring an upset. But Maggie Smith is an elemental force to be reckoned with.

6. Dobby vs. 11. Kreacher: Dobby is a love-hate character, especially early on in the books or movies, but you have to be a Grinch not to cry when he sacrifices himself for Harry and company in Deathly Hallows. It’s one of the most powerful, emotional scenes of the entire series, and Dobby is one of the most loyal friends Harry has. I also love Kreacher, and the journey his character takes, and like Trelawney, thought he got the short end of the stick with this opening round match up. Dobby is a contender for the entire region, folks.

3. Remus Lupin vs. 14. Fenrir Greyback: Loony Lupin should get his revenge here, in spades.

7. Horace Slughorn vs. 10. Lily Potter: Horace Slughorn is a big part of Half-Blood Prince, and a pretty great character, with a mix of comedy and his dark secrets and regret. Jim Broadbent rules, but Lily Potter embodies purity, love and everything Harry missed in his childhood. It’s an impossible draw for Slughorn, as Lily should spring the upset that won’t really feel like one when it’s said and done.

2. Hagrid vs. 15. Aragog: I feel like Hagrid was the original fan favorite…and then he lost his shine and luster as the books went on, mostly because he receded into the background, but for awhile, he was my favorite supporting character in the series. He’ll have his hands full against Lily in the second round however, if it comes to that.

Dobby vs. Lupin in the second round? Hermione vs. McGonagall for a shot at the Elite 8? Hagrid vs. Lily Potter, Harry’s two great protectors, in the Round of 32? This region has a bevy of enticing matchups potentially on the docket, and has the most potential for Cinderellas to run rampant over the competition.

BRACKET BUSTER? Lily Potter, as a 10 seed, could feasibly take out Horace Slughorn, and if she knocks out Hagrid, might have the momentum to topple Dobby or Lupin. But, I think it’s Dobby who has the biggest staying power, and could take out Kreacher, Lupin and Hagrid, before ultimately falling to the Region’s presumptive favorite, Hermione. I anticipate a Sweet 16 group of Hermione, McGonagall, Dobby and Hagrid, but I have the least confidence in my foresight in this region than any others. 

“Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof)” Region

Voting begins tomorrow.

1. Severus Snape vs. 16. James Potter: James seems like a dick, am I right? Snape wins.

8. Nearly Headless Nick vs. Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle may have given me more nightmares than anyone else in the series, which says a lot about me, I suppose. But John Cleese almost always wins, and I expect NH Nick to get the last laugh in this battle of phantoms. Neither has more than the one victory in them, however.

5. Nymphadora Tonks vs. 12. Garrick Ollivander: John Hurt rules, but Tonks and actress Natalia Tena has one of the biggest followings in the world of Potter. She’s badass, alternative, loves a werewolf, is funny, and has constantly changing hairstyles. Plus, we got to see her naked in GAME OF THRONES, which has to help.

4. Luna Lovegood vs. 13. Viktor Krum: Viktor Krum (above, yuck) gets some women warm in the loins, and he’s an interesting upset pick…normally. But Luna Lovegood is awesome, with or without nargles.

6. Kingsley Shacklebolt vs. 11. Rufus Scrimgeour: In this battle of more competent Ministers of Magic (both blessed with terrific names), the mysterious badass Shacklebolt should prevail, though Bill Nighy is the man.

3. Voldemort vs. 14. Nagini: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will crush his horcrux snake.

7. Filch & Mrs. Norris vs. 10. Aberforth Dumbledore: There’s a lot to Aberforth that was left beyond the page, and that intrigue could help him, especially if people want to see him take on his brother in the second round. But…I think everyone’s odd love and fascination with Filch (Alan Bradley’s role in GAME OF THRONES should also prove oddly helpful) and his awful cat wins out.

2. Albus Dumbledore vs. 15. Gellert Grindelwald: A lover’s quarrel to round out the first round. It’d be an epic battle and a lot closer in “reality,” but in this bracket, Albus will win easily.

Voldemort, Dumbledore and Snape are LOCKS for the Sweet Sixteen in this region, and a Voldemort/Dumbledore matchup should be huge (but end in an Albus triumph). It’s a toss up between Luna and Tonks for the other spot. Do we want whimsy or awesome? Whomever it is (I’ll say Luna) might be the only character that could feasibly take Snape down en route to the Final Four, but I doubt it. SNAPE should find himself standing over Dumbledore, this time for real, heading into a duel with Hermione Granger for the Championship game.

BRACKET BUSTER? I could see Shacklebolt taking out Voldemort if people are allergic to voting for the Dark Lord, and Luna or Tonks could potentially overcome Snape, but I just don’t see that happening. 

FINAL FOUR PREDICTIONS: Neville Longbottom, Fred & George Weasley, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape

Who makes it to the finals? No idea, but I’ll go out on a limb and say Neville Longbottom vs. Severus Snape, with NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM crowned the champion of the Harry Potter March Madness Triwizard Tournament.

If I’m wrong, blame Professor McGonagall.