After three years and four movies, Avengers: Age of Ultron has arrived. I’ll admit, going in, I was nervous for the film, forever worried that Marvel Studios’ bubble might pop. It certainly stretches the seams here, but rest assured, Marvel’s insane streak continues, thanks in large part to Joss Whedon.

Avengers 2 isn’t as good as Captain America: The Winter Soldier or Guardians of the Galaxy, and probably not the first Avengers, but I don’t know if that was possible, given the nearly impossible juggling act that Joss Whedon has to perform here. He has to tease Civil War, Black Panther (Andy Serkis’ brief turn as Ulysses Klaw has me so stoked), Thor 3 and Guardians of the Galaxy 2, while introducing four hugely important new characters (Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver, Ultron and Vision), and maintaining the MacGuffin-laced narrative string of Thanos and Infinity Gems. Plus, you know, he has to segue into the next two Avengers movies. It’s exhausting just thinking about, but for a moment, let’s focus on the present, a rarity when it comes to the MCU, which is always about what’s next.

Age of Ultron thrusts us into the action immediately, because Whedon, Feige and company can’t afford to waste any time, and besides, we know these guys now. Thanks to a jumbled concoction of Loki’s scepter, Hydra intelligence and Tony Stark’s personal computer system Jarvis (Paul Bettany), Stark creates Ultron (James Spader), envisioned as an AI based world-peacekeeping computer, one that could function as an armor over the whole planet, an initiative that would render the Avengers moot. Of course, Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) envisioned a rosy retirement sipping Mai Tai’s in Tahiti (okay, maybe not Tahiti) with Pepper Potts: his creation sees the Avengers…and humanity, as obstacles preventing peace and progress.

From there, a lot of shit explodes in a dizzying action ensemble with a scale of astronomical proportions. The film is bloated, and likely at least slightly confusing to someone who doesn’t follow Marvel tidbits like James Woods and candy. But somehow, someway, it works. In fact, it more than works: Avengers is Summer Movie Action Tentpole on Steroids, yet thanks in large part to Joss Whedon’s heart and wit, the over-stuffed sequel retains intelligence and blessed self-awareness, while remaining a helluva lot of fun.

For an innumerable number of reasons, Joss Whedon was always perfect for the Avengers: there’s not a director more capable with ensembles, thanks to his experience with Firefly, Buffy and Angel. And again, somehow Avengers 2 gives every member of the team and its ballooning supporting cast a chance to shine. The first Avengers was Iron Man’s movie: the emotional through-line traveled through the conflicted and difficult billionaire playboy philanthropist. But the Hulk was the scene stealer, the crowd favorite. In Avengers 2, I suspect, both honors come from an unlikely hero: Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye, the oft-forgotten archer and every-man member of the team, the powerless one who probably gets picked last at Avengers dodgeball games. When you think about Whedon’s work, the focus makes perfect sense. In many ways, this is the colossal scale version of Buffy‘s “The Zeppo,” with Hawkeye playing the part of Xander, a normal family man who’s so clearly the glue that holds this team together, a thankless (and dangerous) role. Hawkeye’s journey and transition in this film mirrors that of Joss Whedon’s; he surely identifies with the un-invincible, un-enhanced man in a sea of power. Why Avengers 2 works so well is because it still feels like Whedon is a kid in his bedroom playing with his favorite toys.

Perhaps because of that, there’s a lot of fan-service in this film, much of it glorious (you can almost convince me that the Hulk and Iron Man fight was important to the narrative).

But what of the new arrivals? James Spader’s Ultron is wonderful, a sarcastic and devastatingly cruel robot, easily the third best villain in the MCU after Loki and Kingpin. Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s Quicksilver and Elizabeth Olsen’s Scarlet Witch will likely prove more divisive. It’s impossible not to compare Quicksilver’s, with Evan Peters’ Pietro surprisingly stealing the show in X-Men: Days of Future Past, and for the most part, this Quicksilver unfairly unable to match his scene-stealing exploits. I think Bryan Singer’s choice certainly blunted his impact here, which is a shame, and shaped Marvel’s treatment of the character. In the comics, Pietro and Wanda Maximoff’s identity and character, are inextricably linked with their villinous father Magneto. Stripping that away robs the character’s of some depth, and their new origins feel band-aided on. Plus, it took awhile for me to get used to their put-upon Eastern European accents. It makes sense, especially with where they come from in Age of Ultron, but it’s certainly not how I imagine them sounding in my head when I read the comics, which of course, is an impossible standard to set. That said, Elizabeth Olsen in particular show exceptional promise and has me excited for what’s to come.

Then there’s Paul Bettany’s Vision, and without ruining anything, I will just say this: he’s perfect. He’s beautifully rendered, like some holy blend of CGI and practical effects from the future that comes to make everybody else look bad. In effect, that’s also what he does in Avengers, and it’s wonderful.

So are many things in this film: the various methods of teamwork in action sequences that are just clever and unabashedly cool. The relationship between Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) and Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo). Everything Thor (Chris Hemsworth) says. The gentle ribbing of Captain America (Chris Evans). The hilarious and so so necessary downtime that Whedon interweaves among all the wackadoodle fighting. In fact, the best parts of these movies will always be when we see these larger than life heroes as just normal people, a lesson WB and DC could learn from. The stakes are serious but the whole movie doesn’t have to be. As long as Marvel retains the heart and wit that Joss Whedon has caked inside Iron Man’s armor, Bruce Banner’s purple shorts and Thor’s flowing cloak, these movies will continue to work, even if it sometimes feels like an exhausting, never-ending trek to nowhere, an infinite Easter Egg hunt across the increasingly populated cosmos. Well, okay, that does sound sorta awesome.

But it’s fair to be worried about the future.

Despite creating a Big Bad that kills thousands of people, Tony Stark never truly gets the comeuppance he deserves for creating Ultron in this movie, and that’s a fault of the proceedings, even if we’re saving it for Civil War (talk about a movie I’m nervous for).

If Avengers: Age of Ultron is busy, how in the hell will Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 & 2 not be a disastrous clusterfuck? The Russo Brothers are the best replacement Feige could possibly find for Whedon, thanks to their exceptional work on Captain America: The Winter Soldier and their ensemble work with Arrested Development and Community (though this is a whole new ballgame). But one gets the sense that Whedon was the only one with the power, chutzpah, support and creative Vision to counterbalance Kevin Feige, who deserves enormous credit for what he’s done in creating this interconnected universe, but like Ultron himself, still seems hell-bent on world domination with what feels like a Reaganomics-like approach.

But for once when it comes to Marvel movies, let’s not focus on that next piece of candy (which is the seemingly out-of-place and pointless Ant-Man), but revel in the present. Avengers: Age of Ultron is a movie that shouldn’t work, and one that comic fans never would’ve thought possible, but thanks to an unparalleled cast and creative team (seriously, just bathe in those ending credits; they’ll never be this good again), it makes us all feel like kids playing with their favorite toys.

Dibs on Vision!

Well, this is why we’re here. This is why I have permanent back damage and could sleep until next year’s Comic-Con at this point.

What do we have in store for us? RDJ intro’d the panel two years ago. Hiddleston did last year. Is James Spader going to bring on some Ultron? Are we going to see the Vision? Are we going to see the complete Phase 3 cast (Inhumans, Black Panther, IM 4, Hulk, Thor 3, Cap 3?)? Is Benedict Cumberbatch or Joaquin Phoenix Dr. Strange or is it a mystery third person (I can grow that beard, bitches)? Josh Brolin is here. Do we get a taste of Thanos?! Can I possibly adore Elizabeth Olsen any more than I already do? Will a woman or a black character get their own movie? Will Bradley Cooper show up in a garish raccoon costume? Will we somehow fit the entire Guardians of the Galaxy movie into the time slot? Will I ejaculate all over my neighbors? Stay tuned.

We’re on. Oh wait, we’re not. The audience is chanting, clapping in unison, we’re one minute away from the fucking wave.

For the record, the wave started exactly a minute later. The only time I’ve ever predicted something right this week.

Maybe the hour and a half gap before the WB TV panel will be filled merely by this panel starting so late. Which is disappointing, since I need a nap pre-Gotham.

Is a live blog truly live without me time stamping every comment? (Answer: No; but do you need to know I wrote this at 5:42:18 PM?).

Um, since when did Andy Serkis have an undisclosed role in Avengers: Age of Ultron? He’s apparently helping to mo-cap Hulk.

Eddie Ibrahim is up again.

We get an awesome recap of the entire Marvel Universe, capped with some great footage of Guardians of the Galaxy, which is going to be the best movie Marvel has made, btw (the 10th Marvel movies). Then we see Thanos in his space chair, threatening mankind. Awesome.

Kevin Feige is here, and so is Chris Hardwick of course.

Hardwick: has made a visually stunning film that’s hilarious. Big ups to James Gunn.

ANT-MAN time. Peyton Reed, the director. Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas are here (and Douglas is looking rough/awesome). Corey Stoll is here, the villain in the film: YELLOWJACKET. Playing the daughter of Hank Pym is EVANGELINE LILY as Hope Van Dyne. An interesting name choice.

This is the 20th anniversary of Peyton Reed’s first Comic-Con. Paul Rudd is popping his Comic-Con cherry, and clearly slightly overwhelmed.

Rudd is excited by challenge, thrilled to be working with such great people.

Michael Douglas admits to “popping up enough cherries.” Chris Hardwick wants to talk about that for the next hour, and so do I. Douglas has looked at Marvel from afar and has never really made a movie with the kind of technological tools this will have. Has clearly done his research: name-drops the year of Ant-Man’s creation, his creator, Stan Lee. Talks about his powers. This is the story of a heist, because his partner, Corey/Yellowjacket. Most of the budget will be removing Paul Rudd’s massive muscles.

Evangeline Lily on Hope Van Dyne: Very glad to announce it, and finally done evading press. Doesn’t have a script yet. But she is Hank Pym’s daughter, a crazy different detail from the source material. Professes love for us, been beloved in Hall H since Lost in 2005.

Corey Stoll on Yellowjacket: Was Hank Pym’s mentee, genius scientist as well. Have taken over the company, in what “judgmental people think is in an evil direction.” Attains some Pym particles (gross), and puts on a Yellowjacket suit.

Ant-Man starts filming in two weeks in Atlanta. Filmed something for us….we don’t see Paul or Michael, but we hear them, bickering about the nature of being a hero, and how Rudd isn’t a superhero, which is exactly why he’s perfect (and not a moron, like Douglas posits heroes are). We see the suit, we see ants, we see him flying on them, and get a brief glimpse at the visual flair in this movie. It’s fun.

Downey comes in a striking suit to Michael Jackson’s Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough. He throws roses from a briefcase into the crowd. Renner dances awkwardly. Mark Ruffalo comes in a little bit more unassuming. Chris Hemsworth. Cobie Smulders arrives, accepting a white rose from Downey. Samuel L. Jackson comes on, like he would. Chris Evans is buff as shit. Downey’s announcing them as they come in. Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Quicksilver. Paul Bettany as Vision. James Spader as Ultron. Elizabeth Olsen as Scarlet Witch. This is insane.

Hardwick: “This is good. This is good. This is supposed to happen. Welcome, Avengers.”

Downey: Keeps getting better, and the bench gets larger.

Renner admits to wearing pants, unfortunately. “Always thrilling, man….glad to be here. Very honored.” Never envisioned this, but is blessed.

Ruffalo is fairly flabbergasted by the love. Hulk gets the first chant. Hardwick warns the crowd not to get him excited…

Hemsworth loves being part of this madness. What has he not been able to do yet? “Turn him into a woman. Great idea. I don’t want to speak too early and jinx it, but it could be my Oscar.” Incredible.

Smulders didn’t expect this to keep going on, but hoped that. Joss brought her into the world, and “so grateful.”

Evans and Hemsworth apparently compare muscle, and Hemsworth wins (“it’s not a costume, he is Thor”). Steve is up to speed, but still looking for a place to belong. Searching for home.

Taylor-Johnson intimidated to join the group, but happy Joss wanted him in. Loves the banter, enjoys Marvel movies, and excited for a part in this one.

Bettany know has to work for his money. He used to go to a dark room for 45 minutes and walk out with a bag of cash. “The most exciting thing that has ever happened to my kids.” “They had no interest in what I did until this month.”

James Spader always thought the world could never be crazy or weirder than he thought. Until SDCC. “This place might be the weirdest, craziest place I’ve ever been.” Thanks us. “I play an 8 foot robot in this movie…and I’d always played humans up to now.” As startling and exciting as coming to Comic-Con for the first time. Everything was “so entirely new”: the process, the people, the world he was entering.

Olsen: Fun to bring magic into the world…”mutated people,” which elicits ooohs. Adds a new dynamic, not just “awesome punching.” Apparently she stares at pencils for hours trying to make it move.

Then the world explodes when Scarlett introduces the video for Avengers: Age of Ultron. Um, SPOILERS follow. A delightful party scene with the team (that also includes Maria Hill and Rhodey): everyone takes turns trying to grab Thor’s hammer, a la the sword in the stone. Tony and Rhodey try together, with their armor, to no avail. Bruce Banner tries and fakes getting excited/angry, and it’s not funny (and so funny). Steve Rogers actually makes it move, slightly, a moment that gives me a partial chub. Thor announces that none of them are worthy…and that’s when Ultron makes his appearance, agreeing, saying their existence is all that can save the world. Then he sends other Iron Man armor toward the team. Then shit goes DOWN. It looks like the apocalypse has happened. Iron Man breaks out the hulkbuster armor, and it looks INSANE. Hulk also touches hands with Black Widow. We see our first full glimpse of Ultron on his throne…and it’s exactly what you want him to look like. Ultron is going to destroy our boys. Spader’s voice is a masterstroke. We see a glimpse of Andy Serkis with a beard. He’s not just helping with mo-cap. He has a role; let the rampant speculation begin. The clip ends on the craziest note ever: Iron Man looking at the carnage around him, all of his comrades in arms, collapsed or worse, Cap’s shield BROKEN IN HALF. Boom.

Then…Josh Brolin marches into the room wearing the Infinity Gauntlet. He demands a rose from Downey, who relents, and Thanos/Brolin EATS it. The excitement is almost suffocating in this room.

The panel appears to be over, but there’s one more clip to run: Chris Pratt and James Gunn joking around in London, wondering how they’d follow an Avengers panel. They jokingly talk about telling us about Guardians of the Galaxy 2 without Kevin Feige’s say so. It’s clearly staged, but Gunn and Pratt are so lovable it works anyways. And besides, GUARDIANS is getting a sequel before it even comes out: July 28th, 2017. Fuck yes.

What’s awesome about all this, is how into it the Avengers cast is. Robert especially loves his role as ring leader and host. Everyone’s psyched to be here. We might be looking at this moment as Marvel Studios’ pinnacle…or perhaps we’re just getting started, as Elizabeth Olsen intimated, now that they’re adding magic and mutated people.

Thank you Marvel for putting on a show, and good night everybody. Gotham, The Walking Dead Escape and sweet, sweet slumber awaits.

In 1996, SWINGERS changed the world, as it helped spark a Las Vegas renaissance, forever changed independent cinema, and launched the careers of Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau, who have both taken very different routes to Hollywood royalty since.

Jon Favreau’s involvement in launching the Marvel cinematic universe is likely understated, due to his differences with Marvel Studios and the moribund IRON MAN 2, but the first IRON MAN likely wasn’t matched in quality and pitch since last month’s CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, and it launched the billion dollar, generation-defining brand (and a disturbing new term: “mega-franchises”), introducing the idea of this interconnected, Easter Egg-filled universe that has changed Hollywood irrevocably. He also made ELF, one of the best Christmas movies of all-time. Unfairly, he might be more remembered for his busts, like ZATHURA (or Space-JUMANJI), COWBOYS & ALIENS and the aforementioned IRON MAN sequel. But even if critically reviled, he’s been a money making machine since hopping into the director’s chair, and no one will dispute his talent and vision.

With CHEF, Favreau revisits his roots, the journey of Carl Casper mirroring his own. It’s fascinating, overwhelmingly personal (he even makes a weight gain dig at himself), and clearly serves to rejuvenate Favreau’s creative spirit and enthusiasm for film. He also gets to utilize his stature in Hollywood to pepper this movie with one of the best casts you’ll see in a theater this summer. You could argue that CHEF might be more powerful or effective with a litany of unknowns, but each and every actor is impeccably cast (and is terrific), and the crux of the film surrounds a relationship between father and son, and Emjay Anthony is an incredible find as Percy, Carl’s son.

Carl Casper burst onto the scene in Miami as one of the ballsiest, most dynamic chefs in the game. Now, years later, he’s lost his edge, has divorced from his beautiful wife and is on the brink of losing his son, because he’s constantly consumed in his own $#*!. Relocated to Los Angeles, he’s been running his own restaurant for years, under the illusion that he has control of his kitchen and his menu. While his staff loves him, like the exceedingly loyal line cook Martin (John Leguizamo), the perpetually hung over sous chef Tony (Bobby Cannavale), and the unreal, sexy alluring hostess Molly (Scarlett Johansson), Carl bends to the owner. That would be Riva (Dustin Hoffman), the studio stand-in who snuffs out creativity, whimsy and inspiration.

It’s unclear why his employees love him so much, because for the first third of the film, Carl is an unhappy jackass. Wasted potential and a fallen star only has so much intrigue. Scarlett Johansson is great as this treasure of a hostess, the only bastion of happiness he has, whom he cooks for and makes love to, but she disappears from the movie entirely once he realizes what he actually has: a family. I think the movie is better for it, but her character still felt like a loose end.

The movie opens on an extremely important day for the restaurant: hot shot food blogger Ramsey Michel (Oliver Platt), who recently sold his food blog for millions of dollars, is coming in to review the restaurant. Carl goes to the farmer’s market, to find the freshest ingredients, forced to take his son Percy with him, uncomfortable sharing his world and passion with him. They have fun, but it’s obvious Percy doesn’t see his father often, and when he does, Carl only takes him to amusement parks, the movies and the like, which while fun, replace actually hanging out with his son, and getting to know him.

Carl wants to spice up the menu and create something all new. His workers love it, and are excited because he is (finally), until Riva puts his foot down, calling for his “greatest hits,” the crowd pleasing molten lava cake and the same menu they’ve had for years.

The result is, inevitably, a disaster. Michel was a fan, Carl Casper’s food was one of the reasons he got into the field. But he blasts Casper’s recent efforts, and it crushes Carl, leading to a rapid-fire rock bottom, thanks to his introduction to Twitter (a tremendously clever plot device utilized by Favreau throughout, with visual flair). You can imagine the back and forth, but you might not predict how far Carl Casper goes to destroy his career.

Unemployed with no job prospects, Carl returns to Miami with his ex-wife Inez (Sofia Vergara), to take care of Percy while she works. He’s essentially a nanny, but it’s clear Inez wants him to realize the opportunity that’s staring him right in the face: a food truck. Inez is one of those rare ex-wives in a movie you actually like, who actually roots for her ex-husband, and actually is friends with him, and it’s wonderful to see Sofia Vergara tone down her MODERN FAMILY shtick about 1,000 notches, and be that much more appealing because of it.

Thanks to Inez’s other ex-husband, an idiosyncratic loon/dick named Marvin (bless you, Robert Downey Jr.), Carl gets a crappy, used truck, and with the help of Percy and Martin, who quits the restaurant to join Carl on this odyssey, the trio launch El Jefe, going back to the basics and capturing the fun in food and life. The film will make you starving, as Carl, Percy and Martin drive across the country, stopping in America’s finest destinations for food, and serving up some of their own delicious looking old school Cuban sandwiches. You won’t wonder how Favreau gained weight.

Carl is hesitant and resistant to introduce Percy to what he loves: cooking. Perhaps this is because he fears rejection, or doesn’t want to learn that Percy doesn’t share his passion or talent, or because he worries that Percy will become as disinterested and miserable as he is. While cooking is the stand-in for Hollywood and moviemaking, Favreau manages to make it universal, thanks to the wonderful father and son relationship at the heart of the film.

Once Carl ushers Percy into his world (enlisting him as a line cook and social media expert), the father and son relationship really starts to take off, and CHEF becomes adorable, inspiring and loving, a fitting return to Favreau’s roots, showcasing a more mature, family man in the director’s chair. It’s exciting to see Favreau rediscover himself.

Spoilers from CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER and AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. follow. 

If you’ve seen CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, you know the film drastically changed the landscape of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Ever since Nick Fury showed up at the end of IRON MAN and introduced the Avengers Initiative, S.H.I.E.L.D. and Marvel’s love of acronyms were the strings that tied the Marvel universe together.

Now, that S.H.I.E.L.D. has been destroyed, thanks to a decades long and irreversible infiltration by HYDRA, that leaves a massive, gaping void in the MCU, and in particular…kind of throws Marvel’s first foray into TV, AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. into flux. The show is called AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. for Phil Coulson’s sake. But considering AOS’ struggles with mediocrity over its first season, the bombastic events of the excellent WINTER SOLDIER offer a rare opportunity for a show to completely reimagine itself, to reboot, to revitalize itself with an eager and massive audience. Starting tonight, we’ll start to see what Maurissa Tancharoen, Jed Whedon, Jeffrey Bell and company have planned. Hopefully it involves something this wonderful:

David already chronicled what he thinks might happen over the season’s final 6 episodes, and what he WANTS to happen going forward in this awesome post. What follows are a bunch of ideas for season 2 that WON’T HAPPEN, that are too crazy, too nonsensical, and (some) too awesome, to happen, with new show titles to boot.

1. AGENTS OF THE ASTRAL PLANE

One of the more amazing nuggets in a movie bursting with greatness (CAP 2), was that Jasper Sitwell mentions Stephen Strange as an enemy of HYDRA while being interrogated by Cap and Black Widow.

This means Dr. Strange is happening. It’s as inevitable as my diabetes. To which I say:

While Dr. Strange deserves his own film, and has the highest upside of any other Marvel character yet untapped…this TV reboot wouldn’t preclude a film franchise from happening.

Judging from Sitwell’s reveal, Strange is an enemy of HYDRA, and therefore, probably an ally of S.H.I.E.L.D. in the aftermath to come. Imagine Victoria Hand, or the Clairvoyant, or the member of the team that betrays Coulson and his crew (who could also be the Clairvoyant), has them in his/her grasp, ready to end this vagabond group of misfits, once and for all. In this scenario, the Clairvoyant may as well be Dormammu. 

Enter Dr. Strange, a fun spell, and a trip to the Astral Plane, where Ward, May, Coulson, Skye, Fitz and Simmons (or whomever is still alive) regroup, learn the Mystic Arts, and pop in and out to take down the remaining heads of HYDRA, or the new threat to public safety. It’d be awesomeawful, with Wong along for comic relief and casual racism.

2. AGENTS OF UPS

In a move purely out of crazy obvious cross-promotion, the only division of S.H.I.E.L.D. that remains after CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER is that of “logistics.”

It’s a tough transition to make, but Coulson proves adept at leading a group of delivery men and women that ALWAYS gets their packages out in time, and to the right people. May’s pilot skills translate beautifully to the open road. Skye creates a new shipping system that revolutionizes the industry, and cripples FED EX (a front for HYDRA). It’s all a First Class time, until Christmas 2014, when the Clairvoyant (revealed as Heat Miser), threatens to ruin Christmas, by destroying UPS’ new logistics algorithm. FitzSimmons prove worthy of a littleReindeer Games, but the power and temptation proves too great, as we incur a Dark Willow type situation that doesn’t get resolved until Easter.

3. AGENTS OF LOLA

It’s clear the best character in AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. has always been Phil Coulson’s precious flying red car Lola.

Victoria Hand and HYDRA manage to destroy almost everyone (Lola only seats two passengers comfortably, after all) and everything, but not LOLA. Coulson manages to escape, with maybe one or two other survivors, zooming off in Lola.

In a show that can only be described as HERBIE: FULLY LOADED meets FAST & THE FURIOUS, Lola proves to have as acerbic a wit as Jarvis, but with far more explosive weaponry (and many a tank of NOS). Amid the innumerable car chases, races and death defying stunts, Skye and Simmons jostle for shotgun (and Coulson’s fatherly affections).

4. AGENTS OF STARK INDUSTRIES

At the end of CAPTAIN AMERICA 2, Maria Hill rebounds nicely from losing her job at S.H.I.E.L.D., by interviewing for a job at Stark Industries. This seems to hint that Tony Stark and Stark Tower will be the new base of operations for whatever is left of S.H.I.E.L.D., and the Avengers.

Coulson and company are looking at unemployment just like the rest of America (and Cobie Smulder’s schedule is free after the end of HIMYM), and their only option? A billion dollar company run by the world’s favorite superhero. Bummer, right? In this workplace comedy modeled after THE OFFICE, Phil Coulson and Maria Hill would butt heads (and bump uglies), while teaching Melinda May to work spreadsheets. Ward could try to take Happy’s job as bodyguard. Fitz and Simmons will fit right in with Tony and his group of eccentric inventors, as Simmons falls in love with Jarvis’s sultry voice (who will then turn into Vision, creating a love triangle with Elizabeth Olsen’s Scarlet Witch). Skye can hack, or whatever.

The drama is off the charts.

Think the last season of ANGEL, without Spike, a robotic Gunn, and none of the fun. The season premiere will open with this frightful image, and the rest of the year we will be figuring out how we got to this point (spoilers: bad shellfish):

5. AGENTS OF HYDRA

If you can’t beat ’em, join them. Season 1 of AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. has had a very ALIAS-like vibe, with Coulson perhaps unwittingly HELPING the bad guys, working for SD-6. Perhaps, so discouraged and disillusioned by SHIELD, the aura of order and compliance to HYDRA is exactly what the doctor ordered. Ward will follow anybody, after all.

Or, maybe Coulson’s team doesn’t just have one traitor. Maybe THEY’RE ALL EVIL, unwittingly keeping it a secret from one another because they didn’t know whom to trust.

Once the shit hits the fan, they realize they all Hail (From) Hydra, and we find out that Victoria Hand normally dyes her hair GREEN, for she’s really Madam Hydra, as they prepare for the sordid events unfurling in AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON.

We learn the history of HYDRA, with flashback episodes to Dr. Arnim Zola, the Winter Soldier, and how they shaped awful events of the past. HYDRA was behind Watergate, the JFK Assassination, the Moon Landing, every single conspiracy you’ve ever wanted to believe, including the mysteries of what is in McDonald’s Fish Filet.

We can also get Bob, Agent of Hydra, in there for much-needed comic relief:

Alternatively: the show could be retitled AGENTS OF H.A.M.M.E.R., where we learn that Victoria Hand was manipulated by HYDRA, or thought Coulson’s team was HYDRA, but she’s really just a hard ass with questionable morals. In other words, she’s exactly the leader Coulson’s team needs in the terrifying vacuum left behind by S.H.I.E.L.D.’s absence, as she starts H.A.M.M.E.R., the newest acronym everyone will be talking about, a shiny fancy new espionage and law enforcement group formed to replace S.H.I.E.L.D. The organization is created and run by Norman Osborn in the comics, but who needs that asshole?

Anyways, SOME of Coulson’s squad decides to join Hand (May, Simmons), where others side with Coulson (Fitz, Skye, Ward’s dead or split in half), splintering off on their own, setting up an escalating feud between the two factions.

6. FUTURE AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

In “Seeds,” Fitz and Simmons returned to their roots at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy, where their academic exploits and their big beautiful brains are revered. After Coulson and his squad of over-matched spies get murdered by Victoria Hand, the Clairvoyant or an explosive Bill Paxton quip, we’re forced to go backwards in Season 2, with a prequel series.

Fitz and Simmons are adorable, the nerdy will-they, won’t they’s of the show. In the JEDI ACADEMY/MONSTERS UNIVERSITY inspired FAOS, we get their “meet cute,” as Fitz accidentally zaps her with one of his experimental weapons, and gets caught repeatedly creeping on her with his weird spy orbs. But Simmons likes the attention.

We learn where Ward’s personality disappeared to, as Bill Paxton’s Agent Garrett brings him under his wing, absorbing all humor and personality from his muscular protege’s body, since no one can compete with Bill Paxton.

Melinda May is in full blown Cavalry mode, only taking breaks to share the sheets with a sexually frustrated Agent Coulson, who can’t seem to get an erection after he discovers the world is a place where the Incredible Hulk and Thor is real, and really just wants to complete his Captain America trading card collection.

Oh, Skye spends her time in that van a lot, maybe narrating the events a la DOOGIE HOWSER (or better yet, the technological soul of Arnim Zola narrating the events from her van). Riveting stuff, and if it doesn’t find an audience, it could go the GOTHAM route, and throw every famous hero into the SHIELD Academy BEFORE they become the heroes we know and love.

7. AGENT PEGGY CARTER

Since the awesome PEGGY CARTER one-shot materialized, rumors have swirled around a possible Peggy Carter TV show.

What we didn’t know was that Marvel Studios had planned all along for Hayley Atwell to take over for Coulson and his fuck ups once and for all after one season.

Following the “death” of Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter gets ushered into a fledgling little group called S.H.I.E.L.D. and becomes one of the founding members of the world’s most secretive and powerful organization. Joined by Dum Dum Dugan, his Howling Commandos and Howard Stark, we witness the origins of the divisive and mysterious organization.

Throw in the impossibly studio convoluted Invaders, the million different Captain America’s that tried to replace Steve Rogers over the years, and the seeds of Hydra’s rebellion, and you have the greatest show on the planet. Plus, we learn the truth behind Howard Stark’s death (he’s a Skrull), and get more Arnim Zola, who needs to be in every episode of every show on this list.

It’s pulpy, sexy, fun. MAD MEN meets ALIAS.

8. AGENTS OF S.K.Y.E.

Skye’s name is no accident. While it might’ve been evidence of a whimsical, hippie (but annoyingly upper class) mother…it’s more likely a code for her origin.

The sky. Space. She’s clearly an alien, yo, and by the end of season 1, Skye learns that she is KREE, and faced with either sticking around a world without S.H.I.E.L.D. and direction, the surviving members of Coulson’s pals decide to romp around in space with Skye, jettisoning us off into a galaxy far, far away, and the guardians who would protect it.

While we skirt around Peter Quill and the real GUARDIANS, we’re introduced to their swashbuckling, quirky world, and to the Nova Corps, Quasar, and Skye’s father…Mar-Vell. We learn that Skye’s been hidden from the Kree’s and the rest of the universe…because she’s the key to the galaxy, or something equally profound/ridiculous. In fact, she’s the basis for the Kree-Skrull War that explodes in Season 4.

Melinda May will admit to being jealous of her and Ward’s obvious affections in Season 3.

9. SECRET AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D./AGENTS OF FURY

Do we really believe that S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone forever? They’re just as persistent and as hard to get rid of as HYDRA and bed bugs, and Nick Fury doesn’t give up easily.

In the finale, after Coulson and the surviving members of his group defeat Hand and the threat of HYDRA (for this season), Nick Fury reveals himself to be alive (Sam Jackson will appear on the finale). There, he offers Coulson his next mission, should he choose to accept it: to start a top-secret, underground sect of S.H.I.E.L.D., operating with complete autonomy, globe-trotting around the world in the Bus and Lola, raiding out HYDRA and Centipede locations, while interacting with new threats, heroes, villains and powers.

It’s basically Secret Avengers, without the cool members of the team. But throw in Sif (as the Valkyrie counterpart), a redemptive Deathlok on the squad, maybe grab Sharon Carter (Emily VanCamp), and bring back Peter MacNicol as a liaison, and you have a legitimately awesome idea for season 2. You could even cover Secret War, without relying on Nick Fury to lead the charge.

That could happen. This is the crazy, unrealistic version:

I envision it like HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, where Coulson and his group are constantly on the run, or in hiding from the Clairvoyant, flitting from place to place, running into friend or foe, and uncovering heretofore undiscovered tenants of the Marvel Universe. Stay a week in Atlantis with Namor. Stay at a bed and breakfast in Wakanda and meet T’Challa. Hitchhike with Nomad (or Captain America, incognito following an assassination attempt in CAPTAIN AMERICA 3). Maybe we meet the new Ghost Rider. Or Punisher. Or introduce Carol Danvers AKA Captain Marvel. Shang-Chi. Man-Thing. Ka-Zar. Moon Knight. Hundreds of others. Coulson and his team are like Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, discovering and uncovering every corner of the MU (within reason), and jotting it into their pokedex.

10. LIFE MODEL DECOYS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

Victoria Hand, Jasper Sitwell and the Clairvoyant manage to murder the crap out of Phil Coulson and his team.

But, this is the Marvel Universe, where no one stays dead.

Hand didn’t kill Life Model Decoys…she killed the real McCoy’s. But Coulson managed to create LMD’s for his entire team before her devastating/obvious betrayal.

The second season follows the life model decoys that survived and outlived their human counterparts. Universe-altering questions of humanity, and whether or not they deserve life, or even want it, is explored in the now moribund, existential series.

11. AGENTS OF A MAGICAL PLACE

After S.H.I.E.L.D. and everything Coulson has ever known has collapsed, he and his team are forced to go into hiding.

Because no one would expect them to go to the most obvious place, that’s exactly what Coulson’s cadre of “spies” do: they go to Tahiti. A magical place.

There, they have tropical drinks, sun tan, and undergo radical experiments with Book from FIREFLY.

Did I fall asleep? You will too.

12. AGENTS OF SHIELD

You think this is the same show. BUT THE ACRONYM IS NO MORE!

You know what this means?

The Clairvoyant isn’t Arnim Zola. It isn’t Bill Paxton or Hand, or May or any of the popular theories. No, the Clairvoyant is a nefarious time traveler (The Doctor?), who knows that Coulson’s team are the only people who can stop him…so instead of killing them when they were babies like a normal time traveler…he ships them off to…Medieval times!

I mean serious, Black Plague medieval times. Not Medieval Times. Ward finds the time change refreshing, the order of knighthood exactly what he always wanted, with Melinda May posing as his male squire, before enacting her vengeance.

13. AGENTS OF SUPERHUMAN REGISTRATION

One of the endings of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, involved the government questioning Black Widow, and threatening to arrest Natasha. It had the stink of the seeds of setting up the Superhuman Registration Act, an awful law enacted that forces all super powered humans to register with the government and relinquish their secret identities. It leads to a Civil War between heroes, fighting on either side, and sucked.

SMALLVILLE kind of did this arc before, X-MEN has done something similar, and it’s just the worst, and likely won’t ever happen, or shouldn’t. Until season 2 of AOS, as Coulson and his team go around the country, down “the list” of Assets, conscripting them to their service. Or else Deathlok kills them.

14. AGENTS OF THUNDERBOLTS

The THUNDERBOLTS are basically Marvel’s version of the SUICIDE SQUAD, a superhero team filled with reformed villains. ARROW’s been setting up a Suicide Squad in its second season (and who knows, might be planning a spin-off show), so it’d be pretty funny and fitting if Marvel stepped in and started the Thunderbolts Initiative in season 2 of AOS.

Redemption and the nature of heroism is a deep and profound theme often found in Joss Whedon’s work, and its the crux of the Thunderbolts team. Perhaps faced with the growing evils of Centipede/Hydra, Baron von Strucker, the Clairvoyant and whatever else is out there, that Maria Hill decides to enact the Thunderbolts Initiative, a decision buoyed by the successful rehabilitation of J. August Richards’ Deathlok in the final battle of season 1.

We’ve met Blizzard in “Seeds,” Radioactive Man in IRON MAN 3 (kinda), and most of the other “villains” in THUNDERBOLTS wouldn’t be stepping on the toes of any of their bigger franchises. Maybe Baron Zemo would, but I doubt we’ll be seeing a Masters of Evil group (unless Sony takes over). While Crossbones is likely planned for CAPTAIN AMERICA 3 (and a role in the Death of Captain America, been calling that since forever), he does have history with the Thunderbolts, and Frank Grillo isn’t too big for TV. There’s no shortage of people that have Thunderbolts ties, including Songbird, Nighthawk, Atlas, Swordsman, Penance and Paladin, that we wouldn’t have to delve into the Green Goblin, Bullseye, Venom and Deadpool’s of the world, that are untouchable and too big for TV even if they weren’t.

Full Disclosure: I’m writing this while listening to the “Once More With Feeling” soundtrack from BUFFY. But, of course.

Sometimes things so bizarre, weird, or perfect, just fall in your lap. That was exactly what I felt like when a Facebook friend (so you know we’re close) of mine posted a status update that related the following news to me:

Lusty Kitten Productions (naturally) was putting on an Joss Whedon-themed burlesque show in Los Angeles, THAT night (Friday Feb. 7th), entitled Across the Whedonverse.

Um, what.the.fuck?!

It was two hours until show time, I had no ride, and would be bailing on my roommate’s burgers and movie night…but I didn’t really have a choice.

What was to come reminds me of what Whistler said in “Becoming, Part One,”:

Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.

This night was one of those “big moments.” I’ve never been to a burlesque show. Not for lack of…trying? No, that’s not the right way to put it (though I do want to go to David Lynch’s writing spot). Not for lack of desire? …I guess. The idea of women getting naked and dancing holds much appeal. Obviously. The idea of these women getting naked with a FIREFLY or BUFFY back drop? That gives me every kind of boner possible, while also confirming how great the universe is.

Of course, I was imagining semi-beautiful look-alikes with decent production value and mildly clever jokes.

I got none of those things. Well the jokes were mildly clever, if you consider ketchup mild.

But, even so, it was so worth it. It was the kind of awful you want to experience. The kind of awful you can tell your friends about, and the kind of awful that reveals beauty and brilliance and what life is all about.

Joss Whedon is the greatest. There’s no disputing it, and his fans, acolytes and believers are also the greatest by extension. Joss Whedon is everyone, a patron saint for the average guy and girl, the nerd, the recluse, the nerd recluse who gets the courage to wave his nerd recluse flag amongst other like-minded nerd recluses at Comic-Con and Slayage Conferences, or as it so happens the Fais Do Do club on Adams Boulevard.

It also allows these same people to get close-to-naked on stage for others Whedonites amusement and pleasure.

The night began, after a long wait in line, bursting with men and women donning their Jayne hat (above), with another interminably long, single file line to an uninspired bar (HELP US GET DRUNKER), and a magician who gives low-energy magicians a bad name. It wasn’t even a diverting experience; it just made the crowd that much more restless and impatient for boobs. At one point he was “floating” paper flowers or something, and the string he was using was as clear as day. It was painful, and certainly didn’t get one pumped up for what was to come.

And then, before the show had even started…it was time for an intermission. Fuck off, really?

At this point I was painfully sober (two weak $8 Dark and Stormy’s didn’t cut it) and impatient for this trip to work out. I had met my aforementioned friend, and two of his friends, including a guy who managed to tell me he had slept with 70 different women in his opening introductions and was now dating this cute girl from Seattle who was on his arm. Yeah, I wasn’t going to like “Rob” ever.

And then it was time for nerds gettin’ naked time! Things kicked off with a girl Dr. Horrible (dancer Tas DeVille), then a “shy” Willow blossoming before us (Rynie Das Wreckless), and an Anya (Spy Kitten) not only removing bunny stuffed animals from her robe, but also articles of clothing. Plus, her pasties accidentally fell off. Now I know what it must’ve been like for those at Super Bowl XXXVIII.

After Anya, it was time for an oddly dominatrix-y Echo (Estella Detroit), and then, Buffy, performed by Holly Rock-It! Later that night, feeling like I needed to do, I managed a very awkward “conversation” with Ms. Rock-It!, that consisted of me complimenting her on her dance and Holly thanking me politely to leave her alone.

How do you follow Buffy? You don’t…you just get another intermission. Thanks.

The most uncomfortable I might have ever been was when Mae Lust, one of the organizers of the event, a red-headed Wonder Woman, came to the stage and began reading…Fred and Harmony erotic fan fiction. As a friend told me, “That’s the dream.” It was the worst, but such a brilliant idea. I would’ve had two dancers as Fred and Harmony act out the events in the background, but that’s just me.

My favorite performer might’ve been the Rave inspired Black Widow (Lyra La Belle). Next up was some not obvious blonde character, brought to life by Cici Stiletto.

The cherry on top of weirdness was the awkward, short, quiet Mercury Troy putting a spin on Drusilla I’ll be trying to forget for years. But this show wasn’t over yet. The three most eclectic acts had yet to happen.

Enter Princess Kida Kidagakash (above), the hottie from ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE, a 2001 animated feature that Joss Whedon wrote a treatment for. Yup. We’re digging deep, even with Inara, Kaylee, Zoe, River, Sierra or any of the characters from AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D left to play. And no female Spike?! It was the kind of off-the-wall choice to be expected from the show, and also brought with it one of the more elaborate costumes of the night (one of the few good ones), filled out by June Au’Purr Darling.

Thrown in for good measure was also live music, supplied by Gemeni, a band formed by Lisa and Gina Gomez. Nerd rock is a thing, and they’re a fine example:

Then it got hot.

Who would’ve thought a near naked female Reaver with a man’s face covering her naughty bits would be so hot? Apparently Lusty Kitten, and Donatella MeLies made it happen.

Throughout the festivities, VV Trippple acted as the undead “pick-up artist,” meaning she was a zombie who picked up the clothes of the other performers. I could’ve done without it.

CABIN IN THE WOODS fans didn’t get a Merman. Instead, they got a Unicorn (Dia Blow…I think).

The finale was supplied by Sgt. Die Wies, a massive black woman (?), who brought more attitude, flair and gravitas to the character of Iron Man than even perhaps Robert Downey Jr. himself. Her performance was easily the most ridiculous, crazy thing I saw all night, as she bounced around stage, with lit-up arc reactor pasties and all. Her dance, and ACROSS THE WHEDONVERSE itself, was summed up perfectly by Captain Hammer’s closing line: “Fuck the arc reactor, we can power the Stark Tower with that ass.”

It took me far too long to really get and appreciate this night, but Sgt. Die Wies drilled the message home. The Whedonverse is about acceptance, and being yourself, and standing up for yourself, and doing what makes you happy, and that’s what these girls were doing all night, while showing off cleavage for charity. Jesus would be proud. Some dancers were better than others, but each were emblematic of the Whedonverse in every fashion, and every number was accompanied with truly bizarre and great music.

The evening was tied together by Mr. Snapper, or the aforementioned Captain Hammer stand-in, who was oftentimes unbearably cheesy, and other times, the only thing that didn’t make me want to impale myself on the Unicorn’s horn. It helps that we all came together to sing the Firefly theme song. Afterwards, he tried to rally us to sing Jayne’s Song…which should’ve been a roaring number, but instead ended up being just one dedicated and drunk Jayne fan singing along…and it was glorious.

Proving that he truly has nothing better to dois a tremendous sport, BUFFY and FIREFLY artist Georges Jeanty was there to sign autographs and cringe at the festivities with the rest of us.

While it didn’t prove to be a night of extreme socializing held together with expert storytelling, there was enough in-jokes, Whedon quotes and a stellar video clip featuring moments from all of our favorite series to make it worthwhile. The memorable experience will leave me as a leaf on the wind, at least until Accio Burlesque! returns…

A blurry photo of the cast