I don’t think I have to tell you this, but you should be listening to the Indiana Jones theme for the duration of this post and week.

One of my favorite websites out there is French Toast Sunday. Every month they pick a distinguished filmmaker to devote columns, time and love to. This Month it’s Spielberg in July. There’s never a bad time to enjoy Steven Spielberg movies, but the summer months are particularly great, since Spielberg invented the summer blockbuster with JAWS. I thought I’d take some time to talk about what may be my favorite Spielberg film (though that changes every week).

Earlier this month, for Fourth of July Eve (AKA July 3rd), I found myself at Hollywood Forever Cemetery for a Cinespia outdoor movie screening. The film of choice was RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981), the best adventure movie of all time. Hell, it’s practically perfect in every way.

I’ve seen the movie a few times, but probably not all the way through as much as I should.

I know. It’s always on TV, so I always catch a few snippets, and catch a favorite scene, though that’s a slippery slope, since RAIDERS is a never-ending batch of favorite scenes. It had been years since I had seen it, but by the time the credits rolled and I was able to cross off “Fireworks Show Set To Indiana Jones Theme” off my bucket list, I was a giddy kid again, within walking distance of innumerable studios that would relish eradicating that inner child and optimist.

Yet he lives on. I refuse to think about KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, or the later STAR WARS movies. For me, that doesn’t take away from what was accomplished here. Before it seemed like he was always cranky, tired and disinterested, Harrison Ford turned gruff exasperation into a sexy art form in the Steven Spielberg-Lawrence Kasdan-George Lucas nerdgasm.

There aren’t many better community movies than RAIDERS, because it’s filled with so many indelible moments that make you cheer. That’s basically what the rest of this post devolves into, because sometimes you just want to get excited and rave about a movie that everyone’s seen and loves.

There’s something so larger than life with the opening titles. We see Ford’s silhouette, his back to the camera, his back to us, his soon-to-be legendary hat cutting a majestic figure.

Thanks to the infamous opening boulder scene, Indiana Jones becomes a classic and unforgettable character in cinema before we even KNOW HIS NAME. It takes a few minutes before Indiana Jones even talks, and even longer before he’s called Indy (thanks to Denholm Elliott’s Dr. Marcus Brody). The movie is RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, without the INDIANA JONES prefix that the others possess, after all, so it’s not a given that casual audience members knew his name until several scenes into the movie. This blows my mind. I’m not sure how intended that was by Lucas and Spielberg, but because of Indy’s stature in the hierarchy of classic film characters, it only feels more bold, badass and cool today.

Something I definitely hadn’t caught when I was younger was that Satipo, the man who tries to steal the golden idol from Jones in the opening scene, is Alfred Molina/Doc Ock. The movie only gets better with age.

(THAT SHADOW) For some reason, there’s nothing sexier than a woman who can out drink an entire Greek fraternity/big Nepalese dude. Maybe that says more about me than it does Karen Allen, who has one of the best smiles ever. Even in CRYSTAL SKULL, I couldn’t help but be delighted when I saw that smile again on a big screen.

Ronald Lacey’s creepy Major Arnold Toht is the film Nazi villain that all Nazi film villains are forever judged.

TRAVEL BY MAP is one of my favorite things. In my first full length screenplay, which was OF COURSE a road trip movie, I did my own take on this. I think all movies need travel by map, even if it’s for a character getting out of bed and to the grocery store.

RIP Terry Richards, the stuntman who played the swordsman in the beloved below clip, who died last month:

I always remembered there being a lot more blood, and actually seeing the mechanic get his head chopped to bits in the Indy/Mechanic scene. In fact, this was probably the scene I always got frightened of when watching this movie, even more than the finale.

John Rhys-Davies has uttered two life-changing quotes, spaced twenty years apart. In RAIDERS, it’s “Bad Dates,” a two word, two syllable utterance that has served as my Fantasy sports team name and a line that only has more meaning when you’ve been on them.

Also, you know he SAVED INDY’S LIFE. Sallah is the MVP of this movie. “Bad Dates” gets all the laughs and the headlines, but everything Sallah says is hilarious and brilliant. Rhys-Davis has crafted such a vivid and great character, you wonder what this movie would look like without him. Apparently Danny DeVito was originally offered the part. Oof.

John Rhys-Davies other immortal line is “…AND MY AXE” from LOTR: FOTR, by the way:

After the helicopter decapitation scene, the most terrifying moment is, of course, the face melting opening of the Ark scene.

Just when you think we’ve made it…Lucas and Spielberg throw another brilliant curveball. Despite rescuing the Ark and surviving its opening, and bringing it back to the museum, Indiana Jones still loses. This pointed to the evils of bureaucracy and the government, while giving the film a foreboding undertone you wouldn’t expect from a 1980’s adventure blockbuster. The Army intelligence agents have whisked the Ark away, leading us to one of the best last shots in cinematic history (“top…men”).

If Indiana Jones can’t win, how can we? At least we win as an audience, no matter how many times you revisit RAIDERS.

At this point during SEVEN INCHES OF YOUR TIME’s brief tenure as a staple for nothing, director Don Bluth, along with owls and Edward James Olmos, have practically become the idols to whom we worship.

Don Bluth burst onto the directorial scene with THE SECRET OF NIMH in 1982, intent on combining owls and terror for the next 20 years of his film career. His resume includes AN AMERICAN TAIL, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN, ROCK-A-DOODLE, THUMBELINA, ANASTASIA and TITAN A.E. (which I recommend watching whilst gorging on pot brownies). But one movie looms over the rest of them…thanks to a litany of longneck’s.

That would be LAND BEFORE TIME (1988), a childhood classic that is now known as what kicked off a franchise that overstayed its welcome thanks to its 43 sequels. It’s easy to forget how important, sad and poignant a film the first one was, and considering Don Bluth’s track record, it’s hard to discount his part in creating a movie that will make you laugh, cry, shriek and learn the benefits of racism.

Don Bluth had some help behind the scenes, as LAND BEFORE TIME had more muscle behind it than any other movie that’s ever been made. The powerhouse of producers includes arguably the most powerful couple in Hollywood, Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall, who acted as co-executive producers, along with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, who also produced the project. You thought INDIANA JONES was George and Steve’s best collaboration, but you were wrong.

LAND BEFORE TIME is only 69 minutes long, but it packs more emotional wallop than an entire season of REBA. Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) is our host for the movie’s entirety, narrating the tale of five baby dinosaurs forced to grow up without parents mere minutes after being born, while facing the terrors of prehistoric times. There’s Littlefoot (Gabriel Damon), a Brontosaurus who watches his mother get murdered by a Sharptooth (T-Rex). Cera (Candace Hutson) is a headstrong triceratops separated from her father, Daddy Topps (the greatest Daddy character name this side of Daddy Warbucks), and won’t let you forget it. There’s the wise Rooter (also voiced by MVP Pat Hingle), who has giant Circus Peanuts for eyebrows:

Then there’s breakout (tree)star Ducky, who you either find to be the cutest dinosaur you’ve ever seen, or want to flush down the toilet.

Your heartless if it’s the latter, but I’d forgive you if you find Petrie, the hyper-sensitive, scaredy cat pterodactyl Petrie, annoying. I prefer Robin Williams’ Batty Koda myself.

Lastly there’s Spike, who’s basically an even more mute Eeyore. Together, the five orphans must travel to the Great Valley in hopes of finding more of their kind, and learning that segregation/dino-racism is bad.

Of the 12 direct-to-video sequels, none of the rest included Don Bluth, George Lucas or Steven Spielberg’s involvement. It’s hard to believe Lucas wasn’t involved in the sequelitis, but perhaps he rightfully recognized LAND BEFORE TIME as his crowning achievement, and didn’t want to fuck it up further like he did with Indy or STAR WARS.

THE LAND BEFORE TIME is nightmarish, forcing kids to come to grip with the possibility of life without their parents at a frightfully young age, but it has a powerful message: that with friends, you can accomplish anything, and beat the Sharptooth’s of the world. You’ll also learn to blame yourself for personal tragedy, but at least this time, Littlefoot has a point. It’s totally his fault his Mom died. Don’t wake up a T-Rex.

You’ll be bawling like Ducky and Spike:

I mean, COME ON:

Wanna cry more? Judith Barsi, who provides the adorable voice to Ducky, died when she was ten years old.

….Ready to drink? I thought so. Without further ado, I present…

THE LAND BEFORE TIME DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Every time Cera’s a bitch, drink.

2. Drink every time Ducky makes an annoying/endearing noise. Yep yep yep.

3. I spy, with my little eye, a dinosaur egg. Your reward? Sip dat drank.

4. Drink every time the gang is in danger.

5. And while you’re at it, drink for every different type of dinosaur.

6. Have a sip for every flashback.

7. Drink when a character says something racist (“You can’t play with longnecks”). I don’t recommend screaming “Longneck bitch!” out loud during the proceedings. You’ll be sleeping on the couch.

8. Any time Petrie is afraid, drink. Double it if you are, because this shit is terrifying.

9. Yay, a TREE STAR! Quaff your beer. Be honest, you still get a tingly when you think about the magic of tree stars.

10. Drink when parents are openly concerned about their children.

11. Drink away your sorrows whenever you cry. It’ll happen.

And that’s it. But don’t cry. The beauty of THE LAND BEFORE TIME is that there are 12 MORE SEQUELS TO ENJOY. I can’t wait for THE LAND BEFORE TIME XIII: THE WISDOM OF FRIENDS. It sounds particularly inspiring and wise. With any luck, the franchise will continue, promising an infinite number of drinking games to enjoy.

THE “GET EXTINCT” EDITION: Just soldier on to the Great Valley and drink your way through more than one sequel in a night. Be sure to have a lot of Tree Star’s on the side.