When The Magicians first came to me, it was a world post-Harry Potter. The last two movies had yet to come out, and I was clinging on to them like they were the last vestiges of my childhood. Because they were, along with Bandit, my stubbornly mortal border collie.

Harry Potter was and is one of the most precious and wonderful things in my life. I grew up with them, and found the world a scary place without them. Yes, I could reread them, or could join its growing online community, but it’s not the same. It was time to move on, to actually grow up.

I had pretty much given up on finding a book series that would delight and inspire and spark my imagination in the same ways. Then Lev Grossman’s The Magicians was published in 2009, I devoured it, and realized it was the natural extension in my own Quest to identify my life with fantasy literature rather than actual life. It’s better.

The Magicians is Harry Potter filled with a bunch of assholes who have sex, do drugs and have tremendous power, damn the consequences. But that’s not all it is: Lev Grossman’s world stretched beyond any simple comparison. It had elements of all the great fantasy (Lewis, Tolkien, T.H. White, Martin), a meta and self-aware modern fantasy world that dipped its mythology into different worlds like ice cream in fudge, or a fledgling crack addict in crime. It’s certainly not as new or vivacious as, say, J.R.R. Tolkien’s Middle-Earth was/is, but how many fantasy series’ throw out nerdy pop-culture references, or quotes Scarface during its climax? Grossman uses and manipulates what we know of the fantasy genre to fill out his world, making fun of the tried and true elements of a Quest and Story, while also revering them just the same.

(Plus there’s world maps, the quickest way to a fantasy nerd’s heart.)

I love the world-building. You think you don’t care about another magical school (meet Brakebills!), but when the depressed and brilliant Quentin Coldwater, who grew up loving the Fillory novels, a stand-in for C.S. Lewis’ Chronicles of Narnia (or whatever book series you grew up loving), discovers magic is real, it feels like what would actually happen. But Brakebills is a college and so Quentin’s put through a grueling exam, like the LSAT (or O.W.L.’s, I suppose) of magical entrance exams, where he was tasked with creating a language, a history of the fictional people who spoke it, and the dynamics of the world they lived in. I was fucking riveted. And besides, Quentin and the Physical Kids that he befriends once he gets in, skip through school in half of the first novel. You’re just watching the schooling go by, Grossman churning through brilliant classes, spells, education like a drunk guy rifling through a Rolodex (in a world where people would still have a Rolodex). I was almost mad, but that was kind of the point, these kids were absorbing knowledge much too fast for their own good.

I remember after I finished The Magicians, I was shocked to discover there was a sequel planned. It was like falling out of your chair and into the age before release dates are planned decades in advance, ruining the fun. That’s how great a surprise The Magicians was.

On a reread The Magicians drags, and the hollow, self-absorbed, arrogant characters hurt your heart more and more, but thankfully, Grossman doesn’t let them off scot-free, and in spite of hating these characters, they’re three-dimensional, and authentic. If a misanthropic 18 year old was given the keys to a magical kingdom and with it, untold power, what do you think will happen? Nothing good.

The Magicians is about a group of unhappy, self-loathing geniuses who don’t have a place in the world, even AFTER they become magicians. It’s a treatise on unhappy people and what that means. Magic doesn’t solve your problems. It exacerbates them.

As the series progresses, Grossman blows out the world to even greater heights. We see the underground realm of magic, as we’re introduced to what Janet, Quentin’s high school crush he leaves behind, had to do to reach his level (and surpass it). It’s startling, dark, and freaking cool, but even she has a reckoning for her magical trespasses. These characters aren’t easily forgiven, in fact, they oftentimes lose everything. It’s depressing; imagine knowing magic exists, but being kicked out of the world? Quentin, Eliot, Janet and Josh grow up, change, and slowly, painfully so, become the kinds of heroes you can root for. It’s as if Grossman purposefully made his characters unforgivable…until they somehow aren’t, subverting the very notion of what a protagonist really is. He made me like Janet, something that felt more impossible than escaping the Underworld, getting a talking sloth to shut up, hopping through the multiverse, or talking to a dragon. Which, I’ve learned, is hard to do.

In The Magician’s Land, the last book of the series that came out this August, things start out slowly. Grossman so thoroughly broke it all down at the end of The Magician King (my favorite of the three), that it took him a few hundred pages to build everything back up. But even so, the last half of the book packed a tremendous wallop, one where I wanted to pause and take note, to relish every word, but I was too busy flying through it, faster than a Hippogriff in flight during the apocalypse.

The Magician’s Land and its two predecessors are a critique and loving tribute of all the fantasy that have come before it. A series that has ram Gods, Cozy Horses and drunks. Like Unwritten, it wallows in the power of Story, and takes the notion of what can be done in fantasy to lengths you’ve never imagined. It’s too smart for its own good, and knows it, and bulls forward anyways. The Magicians series isn’t perfect, but like Harry Potter, it proved to be the perfect, sarcastic companion for a certain period of my life, one that’s right now. It’s a transcendent piece of adult fantasy I look forward to giving my miserable kids when they inevitably hate my guts.

I didn’t think there would be another Harry Potter. And there won’t be, but there will be other books, other worlds, other Adventures, ones I can’t wait to discover, ones I won’t be ready to let go. The Magicians series was one of them. Thus is life.

Until last weekend, I had never seen ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, a 1987 classic from director Chris Columbus. This is to say, that until last weekend, I had never lived.

The film, which you can guess at even if you don’t already know the film by heart, is about Chris Parker (eternal teen crush Elisabeth Shue), a High school senior tasked with taking care of a hormonal High school freshman Brad (Keith Coogan) and his younger sister Sara (Maia Brewton).

Of course Brad has a crush on Chris, and of course he’s way too old to have a babysitter (15), but that situation is as old as mankind itself, and just as relatable. I’m sure the cavemen were doing the same thing, and besides, this was the 80’s, dammit. Throw in a comedic, sarcastic jackass sidekick in Daryl (Anthony Rapp of RENT fame, another Chris Columbus joint) and an annoying “best friend” of Chris’ in Brenda (THE ARTIST and KINDERGARTEN COP’s Penelope Ann Miller), and you have the makings of adventure.

Brenda is only one thing: the inciting incident, because she decides she wants to run away from home. She gets to the train station before she’s out of money, crying and requiring rescue. That plot point is almost entirely forgotten (thankfully) once it successfully brings Chris and the kids out of the suburbs and into…the city, where all manner of hijinx and danger can happen. Brenda loses her glasses and sucks for the rest of the movie, providing ready made bathroom breaks.

Once in the city, I’m not really sure how Chris and company become carjacked by “badass” criminal Joe Gipp, but Joe Gipp is awesome (above), and because Brad steals a Playboy with some vague super secret plans written in them once at Gipp’s bosses lair, Chris and company have marked targets on their backs.

The 80’s touchstone is probably the 79th most important film ever made, for many reasons. For one, it was Chris Columbus’ directorial debut. The guy went on to define everyone’s childhood with HOME ALONE, HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK and MRS. DOUBTFIRE. Say what you want about the first two HARRY POTTER films, but the guy presumably had the last say on almost all of the casting and created that rich, magical film world. Most would argue that Alfonso Cuaron truly fleshed it out, and added whimsy, depth and gravity to the proceedings, but Columbus gave him a strong foundation to explore. He clearly gets kids, and may be one of the best directors for children’s movies ever, and he had a knack for creating a rollicking family movie from the get go.

(The less said about BICENTENNIAL MAN, the better.)

Chris Parker was perfect, not only because she had a guy’s name, and that’s hott (I blame DAWSON’S CREEK), but because she was portrayed by Elisabeth Shue (she’s really good at the above look).

Elisabeth Shue is one of the most fascinating actresses of the 1980’s. Her breakout role came as Ali in the original KARATE KID. When I watched that film for the first time as a kid, I was captivated by her the moment I saw her, much like the king, Ralph Macchio, who was about the most relatable teenager there is. There’s nothing more embarrassing than this awkward meet up on their first date:

I also couldn’t have rooted for their romance more during their theme park visit.

Soon, Elisabeth Shue became the dream girl, but an attainable one, because she always seems so nice, charming and genuine. She has that girl next door vibe, hell, she might have created it, and is one of the reasons our childhoods seem so depressing by comparison, since girls like Elisabeth Shue don’t exist next door. Or if they did, I wouldn’t be wasting my Friday afternoon writing about a movie that features Bradley Whitford’s finest onscreen performance as dickhead boyfriend (his license plate actually reads “So Cool”).

After KARATE KID, Shue apparently starred in LINK, where she had to outsmart a murderous orangutan, which has vaulted to the top of my To-Watch list. But it was her leading role in ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING that truly launched her career and cemented her place as 80’s heartthrob. She would go on to win Tom Cruise’s heart in COCKTAIL and Michael J. Fox’s in BACK TO THE FUTURE II and III (she replaced a wooden Claudia Wells in the sequels).

There was a lull in the early 1990’s, or at least that’s my assumption, since I’ve hardly heard of any of her roles during that time, until LEAVING LAS VEGAS, when she slayed embodying the hooker with the heart of gold trope. She had the pleasure of watching Nicolas Cage kill himself with alcohol, a thankless role that netted her Shue’s only Oscar nomination. She followed that up with Woody Allen’s DECONSTRUCTING HARRY in 1997, and has bounced around since (including a turn in the star-studded PIRANHA 3D), until landing a role in CSI in 2012.

Shue’s best performance was likely LEAVING LAS VEGAS (thus, Oscar recognition), but ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is probably my favorite. She’s not simply the leading man’s love interest. Here, she’s the star and manages to do it all: slapstick comedy, romance, heartbreak, singing, dancing and Schwarzeneggerian one-liners. There might not be a better line than, “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.”

(This comes after Brad stupidly/adorably defends Chris in front of the Lords of Hell, by calling him a big city scum sucker, and then getting a knife in the toe a la Chandler on FRIENDS)

Her lip-syncing to The Crystals’ “Then He Kissed Me” during the opening credits of ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is a veritable star is born moment. The exact time and place when Elisabeth Shue became the girl next door of the 1980’s, a look and vibe that was copied and borrowed time and time again in many movies after. In most slasher flicks, the monstrous villain is running after a version of Elisabeth Shue, because we care about Elisabeth Shue.

That is literally a female version of Tom Cruise in RISKY BUSINESS. Then there’s this hilariously bad “Babysitting Blues” performance to save their lives:

But…Elisabeth Shue is not the best part about ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING, though the movie would’ve tanked without her.

Nay, the best part was Sara, the youngest of the kids that Chris is responsible for. I don’t know if I can remember a movie where the youngest child is the best, funniest and coolest of the ensemble. They’re almost always annoying, living, breathing, spittling warnings against parenthood. Instead, Sara is a girl who wears Thor’s helmet, draws Thor comics, and has a Thor poster on her wall. In the 1980’s, almost thirty years before Chris Hemsworth would make the Norse God a sex symbol and supremely cool. Sara has all the best lines, is mischievous, sassy, and has a good heart. She is so great that I hope I run into her adult self and fall in love. Where are you, Maia Brewton?

This clip, which likely was buried in a time capsule to show future mankind (or the aliens of GALAXY QUEST) what life was like in 1987, is probably the greatest thing ever:

Can you imagine seeing that today? Thor is a legitimate plot point in the movie. She has a replica Mjolnir, she wears the helmet, wears a red cape and matching Weasley Christmas sweater, and their asses are saved BY Thor.

And by Thor, I mean Dawson, a blond giant mechanic who kinda looks like a Santa Mall version of Thor. Dawson is played by a blond Vincent D’Onofrio, which is one of the least heroic things I can think of. Even in 1987, it barely works:

But it’s no less awesome to behold, which is what I could say for the entire 102 minutes of this movie.

ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING is chock full of moments where you’ll just giggle and comment, “Oh, the eighties,” sigh and wish you were back there, at least for a John Hughes curated school dance.

There’s even an endearing dude with a claw.

Sixty four characters from J.K. Rowling’s life defining series of books (and the films that WB lovingly adapted) made it through the Goblet of Fire. Unless you’re Crabbe and Goyle (and shame on you if you are), everyone that made it into this March Madness-style Triwizard Tournament received at least some love in the proceedings.

And that’s how it should be. Each and every time something like this is organized, I’m sure a new winner is crowned. Harry Potter is so rich and full with brilliant, multi-faceted characters, and everyone has their own favorite. Now we know the favorite of our tiny corner of the universe, as a winner is crowned on the 16th anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts.

Was there any doubt that a witch or wizard from Gryffindor (“Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.”) would stand above all the rest when it was all said and done? Perhaps it’s surprising who ended up as the internet’s champion, as Harry Potter himself, Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley, and the Weasley Twins, were nowhere to be found holding the mantle of favorite/best Harry Potter universe character when it was all said and done. It was none other than Hermione Granger, who out-prepared the field, never coming close to defeat, taking out the might that is the Weasley Twins in the finals, with a whopping 76.5% of the vote. Here’s the final bracket, as Granger vanquished Dean Thomas, Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore and the Weasley Twins en route to holding the Triwizard Cup.

In other words:

After every March Madness tournament, CBS Sports airs “One Shining Moment,” a video featuring the highlights of the games, the drama, the tears, the excitement. Grant Belcher, an enormously talented friend of the site, fashioned his own version for this tournament. It’s very easily the best thing that’s ever come out of Seven Inches of Your Time since its inception. Without further ado, here is Hermione Granger’s One Shining Moment:

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Vote in our Harry Potter bracket.

My biggest problem with movie adaptations of great books (or really any books) isn’t the possibility that the filmmakers might ruin the plot or characters, or that they simply won’t create a faithful adaptation, it’s the batshit crazy bookfans that come along with the movie. They either love the movie or hate the movie from the second the darn thing is announced, and it only goes downhill from there.

Most pre-existing book fans are loyal, devoted, passionate and fiercely possessive over the written word that the film may be adapted from; if they weren’t, studios probably wouldn’t waste billions of dollars on trying to make a successful [or otherwise profitable] movie. But every now and again, bookfans go a little too far: i.e. the Twihard revolution that made all our inner-children die.

Bookfans tend to take adaptations extremely seriously. They expect every minor subplot and character to make an appearance, and if they don’t it’s the end of the world. While I absolutely understand the irritation and agony they go through when their favorite book is “ruined” on-screen, what they don’t seem to understand is that cinema and literature are two entirely different mediums. Books generally have a lot less restrictions (editor and publisher depending) and they can be poetic for pages about the blazing sun on that one glorious day and that’s a-OK.

Movies, however, have constraints they must abide by. First, and unfortunately foremost, is budget. How much money is that twenty-minute CGI sequence going to cost? (Although, the barrel sequence in THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG was pretty bad-ass.) If the cost of making a certain scene is going to be too extravagant, it either needs to be slimmed down – or possibly even removed altogether.

Issues like time, characters, settings and subplots are all taken into account when adapting a story, and in order to translate the bulk of that story onto the big screen there are sacrifices that must be made and most bookfans cannot seem to wrap their heads around that.

But more than my frustration with the bookfans that refuse to see the bigger picture, is my anger at them for being such hipsters about their adaptions.

Well, you’re not a real fan if you didn’t read the book.

Bitch, please. I enjoyed the film, therefore I’m a fan.

Without fail, any adaptation made will have a posse of hipster-followers waiting to condemn you for only seeing the movie. The one, and really the only, fan-base that I can exclude from this group of crazies is that of Harry Potter.

The Harry Potter fanbase doesn’t care if you’ve read the book series once, twice, ten times or not at all; they just want you to experience, enjoy, and fall in love with Hogwarts the same way they did. They are all-inclusive and oh! so welcoming to those of us (like myself) who have never read the books.

And that’s not to say that I didn’t try. I remember reading the first paragraph of the first book way back when, and being completely unable to read-on. A whopping nine years old, I had the most difficult time getting through that paragraph because it was written for children: it was so simplistic and adolescent that instead of making it easy to breeze through, it was painful. It’s not that I didn’t want to, I just didn’t know how to reverse my brain and go backwards into a children’s book. (This makes me sound like a child-genius, which I really wasn’t. I just liked reading more mature books. And by “mature” I mean young adult, cause guys? I was 9.)

But the Harry Potter fans I knew, met, and became friends with didn’t care that I never suffered through the books. No matter how much they loved the series, my having not read any of it was trivial – they still wanted to share it with me. They invited me to their midnight showings, and explained to me the subplots and minor characters that had to be left out for various reasons. They invited me to Cosplay with them and dress up for Halloween with them, because even if I only loved the movies that was good enough: I still wanted to go to Hogwarts, too. (Of course, after the Order of the Phoenix film had been released I was too impatient to wait for the other films so I skipped ahead and read Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows. That I was shamed for.) Overall, the Harry Potter fanbase has been the most accepting and wonderful group of freaks and geeks that I have been part of. No matter how minimal your appreciation or how obsessive your love is, they will still Tumblr scream about FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM BECAUSE OMG.

My point is: bookfans, take heed. Get your heads outa the sand and stop being the bullies on the playground. Let’s all play nice with the other children… Even if one of those children is a little weird, has glasses and likes to play Buffy the Vampire Slayer all by herself at lunchtime.

It’s all come down to this.

After a torturous tournament run that can only be described as Azkabanian (I’d rather have taken my N.E.W.T.’s), twothree wizards remain.

Fred and George Weasley, the twin champions of comedy, took out Harry Potter himself (“We got Potter! We got Potter!”), en route to representing the Burrow and all that’s light, frothy and jokesy about the world.

Hermione Granger, the bushy-tailed every-woman nerd, vanquished Albus Dumbledore, showing book smarts still matters in an age where books are dying.

Now opposites face off. Fred and George Weasley dropped out of Hogwart’s to pursue a career in making people laugh. Hermione would rather die than let that happen…though of course, we never see her graduate from Hogwart’s either, as she sorted out her priorities. Can she sort out the twins?

As Oliver Wood would say, “This is it.”

“The big one,” said Fred Weasley.

“The one we’ve all been waiting for,” said George.

They know Oliver’s speech by heart, and you know the drill by now…so without further ado, VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE HARRY POTTER CHARACTER!

Voting ends Thursday May 1st at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote till your fingers bleed. You may need a pint of Butterbeer, or seven, from Madam Rosmerta’s private reserve to make a decision.

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Only eight witches and wizards remain in this crazed March Madness-style tournament of HARRY POTTER characters. Allow me to illuminate the bracket for you. LUMOS!

None of the survivors are Ron Weasley. If there was one person I’m fine with one of the all-time greats losing to, it’s his dear ole mum, the patron saint of parenthood/awesome, and the den mother of the Burrow/all of us, Molly Weasley.

Whimsy and quirk were defeated once and for all, as Luna Lovegood was no match for the Half-Blood Prince, one Severus Snape, and I have no quibble(r)s about it.

Harry’s father figures are like squibs: we don’t want any part of that shit, as Sirius Black succumbed to the veil once again.

Death Eaters have also been eradicated, as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Bellatrix Lestrange have been Avada Kedavra’d from the proceedings.

Its humans only, as Hedwig has taken his final flight.

Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom, as has been fated, will face off for a spot in the Final Four. But will it even matter, with Snape, Lupin, Hermione or Dumbledore emerging on the other side, and the King or Queen of Weasley’s standing in their way to the Championship?

We’ve arrived to the Elite 8, when decisions are more painful than splinching, or as exhausting as Hermione’s class schedule sans a time turner. Was Harry truly the right Chosen One? Can the Weasley twin wheeze past their mother? Can Hermione dispatch our favorite Professor/werewolf, Remus Lupin? Can Snape outwit his second and truest master, Albus Dumbledore? Time to find out.

Voting lasts through the weekend, until April 27th at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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The first two rounds of our March Madness style Harry Potter bracket has been fun, mildly diverting. Relatively easy. It was like remedial potions. Now the bracket looks like this (click on the image to make it larger):

Now it gets brutal. Sirius. Like cruciatus curse painful. It’s time to forever sort your priorities. Voldemort takes on Dumbledore. Harry gets a chance at vengeance against Bellatrix. Neville faces his toughest test yet…an owl. Hermione vs. McGonagall (!!). Ron against his mother. Fred and George must take down Sirius Black…and perhaps the biggest match of opposites ever: Luna Lovegood versus one Severus Snape.

Second round results and analysis is forthcoming (Hagrid loses to a character who was never alive for any part of the books…and that was the only upset). For rankings of the most recent losers, check this out. Let’s jump into this like Neville would a Herbology class.

Voting lasts until Wednesday, April 23rd, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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On Monday, we launched the first round of the March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. After four days of routs, combined with a few upsets (Oliver Wood for Prime Minister) that Professor Trelawney likely could have predicted in her sleep (which is how she does her predictions), NOW we’re jumping into the dark, murky depths of the tunnels of Hogwarts (Basilisk beware!), so deep and suffocating that even gillyweed wouldn’t save you.

Only 32 characters remain to achieve glory, angling for a spot in the Sweet Sixteen. Click on the bracket below for a better glimpse at the witches, wizards, owls, centaurs, muggles, ghosts, house elves and half-giants that remain.

For predictions and analysis from a lackluster Lee Jordan impression, check out our Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Bracketology. For commentary and tributes to the fallen favorites, consult Lee Jordan’s Unforgivable Bracket Results.

The easy answers have been made. Round 2 and beyond will serve to give us the answers that even Bathilda Bagshot doesn’t know the answer to, and you certainly wouldn’t find in A History of Magic. Who is Potterverse’s champion of quirky and cool: Tonks or Luna Lovegood? Is Kingsley Shacklebolt the most underrated HP character there is? Will anyone vote for the Dursley’s against Harry? Can the humble Hufflepuff house and their savior, Cedric Diggory, take down Sir Neville Longbottom? Can evil triumph when Bellatrix battles Mad Eye? Who is the internet’s favorite Weasley: Can Ginny beat her mother? Will the twins topple their father? Is anyone losing any sleep over Percy Weasley’s elimination? Does Lee Jordan, the unofficial bracket mascot/host, have what it takes to continue his Cinderella run? Are Oliver “Gives Me” Wood, Lily Potter and Firenze built to last in this tournament? The answers are coming, as Round 2 begins.

Voting lasts until Monday, April 21st, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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This past Monday, this silly HP-themed bracket was launched on this website that, I’ll tell ya, doesn’t pay well. We’re officially through with the opening round, with Round 2 kicking off NOW. To vote, GO HERE.

Over the course of the tournament, I, your thrilling/but totally bored host, Lee Jordan, will walk you through the twists, the turns, the soul-crushing defeats, the heart-soaring comebacks, and the Cinderella stories of this tournament. As always, I shall announce the results loud and clear so you won’t need extendable ears to hear it, wherever you may be on the interwebs.

The Burrow Region:

1. Ron Weasley DEF. 16. Seamus Finnigan: Ron, perhaps the favorite for the whole tournament, depending on whom you ask, managed to vanquish his first test, though it wasn’t a breeze like it was for Harry and Hermione. Kinda like his life. Seamus Finnegan was probably the toughest #16 seed though, and it showed, as Ron only received 81.2% of the vote.

Oh, Seamus:

8. Bill Weasley DEF. 9. Fleur Delacour: The odd couple was the closest match of the second half of Round 1, which proved to be less than thrilling. This was close (the Were-Weasley notched 56% of the vote), but still kinda milquetoast.

Hey, remember when Ron asked Fleur to the Yule Ball and she married his older brother?

5. Ginny Weasley DEF. 12. Cho Chang: I clearly underestimated the love for Ginny, as Mrs. Potter ran away with this one, (Jennifer) garnering 90% of the tallies. Maybe it’s because I go bro before ho’s, and Ginny’s the sister of my best mates. Smooth move, Potter. I guess Cho was kind of a bitch to Harry. Who cares about the death of Cedric, anyhow? Lame excuse.

No words:

4. Molly Weasley DEF. 13. Narcissa Malfoy: Molly destroyed Narcissa, and all is right in the universe.

Here’s Narcissa’s saving grace:

6. Arthur Weasley DEF. 11. Lucius Malfoy: People clearly love Jason Isaacs, because while Arthur won quite handily, only 70% seemed like a victory for Lucius. For awhile, Lucius was the scariest villain in the HP universe. He was Draco’s father, the man who created the nuisance to all creation, and before he became a wimp, he was one of the more imposing foes Harry faced…before You-Know-Who came back.

Here’s a tribute to the man, entitled “Dark & Beautiful,” which I in no shape or form watched, so good luck:

3. Fred & George Weasley DEF. 14. Charlie Weasley: Charlie seems like a nice enough bloke, but its the TWINS! Here here! F&G proved the biggest studs of the opening round in this region, netting 94.1% of the vote.

Because Charlie Weasley hardly exists, I give to you…a faux trailer or something for a Charlie Weasley film starring Seth Green in the titular role, and the dragons from DRAGONHEART:

10. Lee Jordan DEF. 7. Percy Weasley: 100 POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! Hooray, me! Finally, an upset, though I’d hardly call this one. It wasn’t even close, as I got nigh 80% of the votes. Sirius better watch his back.

Percy wasn’t going to get a video (nor does he deserve one), until I stumbled upon this:

2. Sirius Black DEF. 15. Buckbeak: Poor Buckbeak. He saves Sirius’ ass on multiple occasions, only survives because of some questionable time travel, and STILL, he gets whupped on by his buddy Mr. Black.

Good ole Buckbeak. Here’s our introduction to the proud, dangerous and wonderful creature, minus the awful Draco Malfoy bits that threatened to ruin that entire book/movie:

The Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof):

1. Severus Snape DEF. 16. James Potter: While Snape won handily, he also was by far the weakest top seed performer in the opening round, only receiving 69.9% of the vote. Snape is a mercurial, love/hate character, but James Potter, aside from spawning the Boy Who Lived, seemed like a right arse, and I expected Snape to destroy him and get his revenge. Snape moves on…but perhaps I’m overrating his appeal. Or am I underrating the loyalty to the Potter family?

8. Nearly Headless Nick DEF. 9. Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle scares the bejesus out of me, and John Cleese is a legend, and the whole idea of someone being “nearly headless” is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever heard.

Remember when Moaning Myrtle helped Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory win the Triwizard Tournament, and maybe ghost boink Cedric?

5. Nymphadora Tonks DEF. 12. Garrick Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, but not enough people chose Ollivander. I love Natalia Tena and the vivacious attitude of Tonks, and so does the Internet, though I was surprised by how many votes Ollivander received (getting almost 30% of the shares). John Hurt is the tits though.

4. Luna Lovegood DEF. 13. Viktor Krum: If the first round is any indication, Luna Lovegood might emerge victorious against Tonks in a battle of the weird and alternative. I would’ve guessed Viktor Krum would have more love than Ollivander, yet Luna pushed him off his broom and stomped on his face, coming away with 82.4% of the vote.

I’m with Ron; Krum sucks. Some other people disagree, however:

6. Kingsley Shacklebolt DEF. 11. Rufus Scrimgeour: In a battle of better Ministers of Magic than Cornelius Fudge, Kingsley proved the easy winner, racking up the second highest differential in the region. Whenever I read his name, I envision Ben Kingsley and Bolt from BOLT, hitching a ride on a Firebolt broom, perhaps with Love Shack playing in the background. It’s a wonderful image, and if anyone else in the world now thinks that when they happen upon Kingsley Shacklebolt, this whole tournament was a success.

Before we meet meet Rufus, he has one of the most badass introductions:

3. Voldemort DEF. 14. Nagini: Nagini is terrifying, because snakes are the worst, and it’s clear that only one man could defeat Nagini (Neville). But the horcrux is no match for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Nagini has many BIG moments in the series, but the Bathilda Bagshot scene in Godric’s Hollow takes the cake:

10. Aberforth Dumbledore DEF. 7. Filch & Mrs. Norris: For whatever reason, I always thought Filch and Mrs. Norris had a bizarre following comprised of cat people and prickly maids/butlers, but if there is, they aren’t on the Internet, as Aberforth plowed through the caretaker with ease, getting 77% of the votes cast in his general direction.

This is Everything:

Filch is the best, when you’re not the one in trouble:

2. Albus Dumbledore DEF. 15. Gellert Grindelwald: This probably would be the most epic wizarding duel ever, but instead, Albus was in cruise control, getting 86.1% of the vote en route to a match up against his (rightfully) resentful brother.

The Chosen One(s) Region:

1. Harry Potter DEF. 16. Cornelius Fudge: What, you expected the boy who lived not to survive the first round of his own bloody tournament? It certainly helps that he took on an oaf. Shockingly, four other matchups were bigger landslides than this duel, and Harry notched 96.4% of the vote. What can we learn from this? Not only were there a lot of lopsided affairs in Round 1 (thus far), but perhaps Harry Potter is not as invincible as one might think. A less likely possibility? There are Cornelius Fudge sympathizers. Bwahahahaaha.

As a send off, I give you Harry & The Potters performing…”Cornelius Fudge is an Ass”:

And for the six people who voted for Cornelius Fudge, he’s a video chronicling his journey from clueless politician to “total douchebaggery”:

9. The Dursleys DEF. 8. Peter Pettigrew: The masses have spoken. We’d much rather suffer through an unbearable childhood in a closet under the stairs and bullied by a fat moron, than deal with a man who betrayed his parents, leading to their premature deaths. Yeah, I suppose that makes sense, though it was actually the 5th closest battle. It’s pretty sad that the Dursleys were ever allowed to win anything in this stupid tournament. It’ll be no doubt be rectified next round, as the HP/Dursleys second round match is the early odds-on favorite for most lopsided of the bunch.

Here’s the big Scabbers reveal:

5. Mad Eye Moody DEF. 12. Mundungus Fletcher: Fletcher was one of the most useless and crappy characters Rowling created, and the evidence helps back up that assertion, as Moody rolled to a massive victory, garnering 96.6% of the vote, the fourth biggest margin in the tourney thus far.

Here’s Mundungus’ interrogation:

4. Bellatrix Lestrange DEF. 13. Griphook: So far, Bellatrix Lestrange is the only villainous character to survive the first round. Are HP fans a bunch of Pansy Parkinson’s? Or are they saving their love for the right villains? Clearly, Helena Bonham Carter’s Bellatrix is one of them, setting up a fascinating match between her and Mad Eye Moody.

Goblins are people too (okay, so not true, but you get my point), so let’s say farewell to the kinda nice creature with a scene from Shell Cottage:

6. Hedwig DEF. 11. Fawkes: Here I was, thinking Hedwig was a sleeper for the Sweet 16, because he’s a badass owl (and Harry’s badass owl), but he barely took out Fawkes. Did I overestimate Hedwig, or underrate Fawkes? I lean toward the latter, as this was the second closest fight of the first round, probably because of how useful the bird was throughout the series, its association with Dumbledore, and because somebody manipulated the voters by putting the picture of Fawkes crying. How do you vote against a crying bird? Who knew birds can cry? Well, phoenixes (phoenices? phoenii?) can do practically anything, another reason why the mystical creature almost took out the world’s most infamous snowy owl.

Look no further than these scenes from CHAMBER OF SECRETS to learn why Fawkes is so popular:

14. Oliver Wood DEF. 3. Draco Malfoy: This was by far the most thrilling match of the first round (thus far, though I doubt it’ll be topped). Oliver Wood’s name will be mentioned in the same breath as many of the all-time great upsets and Cinderella teams in history (Butler, Wichita State, Gonzaga, Florida Gulf Coast) following this nail-biting victory. Oliver Wood taught Harry, and all of us, Quidditch, and did so in a sexy accent, and was the Coach Taylor of the Gryffindor team. And that proved the difference, even though Team Felton almost made the comeback, coming two votes shy of a tie after trailing by a hefty deficit. Turns out Malfoy’s “good looks” couldn’t tip the scale with all of his other nasty traits. I’ll give it to him though, he sure can say “Potter” with the best of ’em.

Good riddance.

7. Cedric Diggory DEF. 10. Barty Crouch Jr.: Team Edward beats Team Tennant, and fairly handily, receiving 70.1% of the vote. In so doing, the Hero of Hufflepuff has announced his presence as a contender for a big-time run.

To say goodbye, here’s one of two scenes we actually see Barty Crouch Jr.’s true form, and it’s a doozy:

2. Neville Longbottom DEF. 15. Crabbe & Goyle: Well, this one just wasn’t fair. My preseason pick to win it all didn’t disappoint in his opening round game, as Neville is the only contender to receive 100% of the vote. Not one person could muster a vote for the dipshit twins. Maybe if they were Harry and Ron AS Crabbe & Goyle, Polyjuice style, it would’ve been a different story. Neville has a tougher test ahead of him in Cedric Diggory, and perhaps such a soft first round matchup might give our boy a false sense of security.

Because they didn’t get a single vote, I’m assuming that means no one cares they’re gone, so they don’t get a video.

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“It’s Levi-OSA” Region

1. Hermione Granger DEF. 16. Dean Thomas: The Giraffe proved little trouble for Hermione. While Dean Thomas received a higher percentage of votes (4.7%) than fellow 16 seed Cornelius Fudge (barely, 3.6%), I think Hermione’s performance is more impressive than Harry’s, because Fudge was a gimme matchup. Dean Thomas actually has fans, because he’s attractive, and could’ve knocked up Ginny.

Here’s “Save Ginny Weasley From Dean Thomas” by Harry & The Potters:

Or there’s this creepy Harry Potter as Norman Bates video:

8. Gilderoy Lockhart DEF. 9. Rita Skeeter: The fans have chosen ineptitude over conniving manipulator, a pretty salient statement on society. It was the third closest battle waged in the opening two regions, however, with Gilderoy escaping with 57.5% of the vote.

For awhile, Rita Skeeter was one of the most annoying thorns in Harry’s side…but I kind of remember her fondly now. Time heals wounds, people.

12. Firenze DEF. 5. Dolores Umbridge: Every year, a #12 seed topples a #5 seed, and oftentimes there is more than one. Firenze proves that adage true even when there isn’t basketball involved. Firenze proved to be more than capable of springing the upset, and it wasn’t even close, as he outclassed the Pink Puke, getting 77% of the vote.

Dolores was one of the most effective villains in the series, but she could not overcome a character with such unfortunate history with the character. Maybe it’s not so surprising after all. She clearly deserved it.

There are an infinite number of ways why we hate Dolores Umbridge. Here’s one of them:

4. Professor McGonagall DEF. 13. Professor Trelawney: Poor dear ole Trelawney. Always getting the short end of the stick, as she fell in lopsided fashion to Minerva, in the third biggest deficit of the two opening regions. McGonagall proved she’s a force to be reckoned with, because Trelawney’s a funny, whimsical character played by a popular actress. But Maggie Smith is kind of the ultimate trump card, and will likely end Firenze’s Cinderella story (imagine a centaur in glass slippers) before it gathers more steam.

When Trelawney gets fired, even Minerva had Trelawney’s back:

6. Dobby DEF. 11. Kreacher: No doubt Dobby is punishing himself for kicking out a fellow House Elf, probably preheating the oven before he can stuff his ears in it, or whatever else inane things the self-flagellating elf does in his free time.

Poor Kreacher. Here’s Kreacher before Harry started to treat him better:

3. Remus Lupin DEF. 14. Fenrir Greyback: Probably the biggest no brainer of the first round, maybe even more than the Fudge/Potter “match.” One of the most sympathetic, haunted, damaged and heroic characters in all the books…against the evil prick who turned him into a werewolf. Greyback’s a fearsome foe and villain…but he got what was coming here. Some evil bastard votes for Fenrir, but that only happened once, as Lupin very nearly swept his opening opponent, setting up a fascinating Lupin/Dobby duel in the Round of 32.

10. Lily Potter DEF. 7. Horace Slughorn: For a character who exists more in what other people say about her, or what we see in brief flashbacks, it’s incredible the backing Lily Potter has. Of course, it helps that she seems like the perfect human, and saved Harry’s life, saved Snape’s life by caring for him, and essentially cared for everyone. She’s the idyllic Mother, and while she lacks layers like many of the other characters in this bracket, she also has untold upside, after taking out her former Potions teacher and Slug Club host, receiving 72.5% of the vote. Something tells me Slughorn wouldn’t have minded.

Horace Slughorn is an amusing lout, and thanks to his Felix Felicis potion and jaunt with Harry, is one of the comedic highlights of the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. I wouldn’t say he deserved better, since he told Tom Riddle about Horcruxes, but I liked the guy. Here’s how we first met him:

2. Hagrid DEF. 15. Aragog: Hagrid’s likely bawling his eyes out and drinking himself into a stupor for defeating his old pal Aragog, as he got 91.2% of the vote, gliding into the second round against a far more daunting opponent: Lily Potter. Rooting against Lily Potter is like rooting against flowers and happiness and butterflies…but HAGRID, people.

Aragog’s a giant, scary spider…so there’s that. But…

“Farewell, Aragog, king of arachnids, whose long and faithful friendship those who knew you won’t forget! Though your body will decay, your spirit lingers on in the quiet, web-spun places of your forest home. May your many-eyed descendants ever flourish and your human friends find solace for the loss they have sustained.“

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To many, J.K. Rowling’s magical book series, and WB’s 8-film franchise was their everything. On July 21st, 2007, the final chapter, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS came out in the UK and the U.S. On July 15th, 2011, the film series unveiled its last hurrah, seemingly putting a poignant and final flourish & blotts on our childhoods. Many of us wish we had a time turner to relive it all again.

But luckily (even without felix felicis), Harry Potter never ends.

The boy who lived lives on in our hearts, and will forever. Every time you open one of the books, or throw on a film, you’re immediately Apparated back into the bewitching world Rowling created, rekindling the joys and optimism of youth. To commemorate Pottermore’s anniversary, and to have an excuse to revel in these wonderful characters again, we introduce you to this March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. Accio bracket! Click on the image below for a larger snapshot of the field.

Half the field have played in the opening round, and now we reach The Burrow and The Dark Arts (Or Defense Against Thereof) regions, as we seek to answer life’s greatest mysteries. Who is your favorite character from the world of HARRY POTTER? Who would you want to ask to the Yule Ball? Who do you think would make the best Minister of Magic, or headmaster of Hogwarts? Who would win in a duel? Interpret and divinate these match-ups in witch-ever way you’d like. This is hardly a Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test, but the agony of indecision may incur a reaction not unlike the side effects of Puking Pastilles. Now that Draco has fallen, can a Malfoy ever win? Will anyone besides Neville be perfect in the opening salvo? Who is your favorite Weasley? Who was Harry’s true love? Does Sirius Black have what it takes to take down the lovable Weasley family? Or will Buckbeak create the biggest upset in Harry Potter themed March Madness history? Do cat lovers even like Mrs. Norris, or do I not understand cat lovers? Who’s the best ghost of them all? For thoughts and analysis on the bracket, check out Lee Jordan’s Exclusive Bracketology.

Voting lasts until Thursday, April 17th, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

Round 2 (for all regions) starts Friday, April 18th at 8:00 AM PT. 

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