It should go without saying, but SPOILERS for season 1 of Broadchurch follow.

When I received a request to review the Broadchurch season 2 DVD, my first reaction was: THERE’S A SEASON 2 OF BROADCHURCH?! The first series seemed like a complete entity, a nearly perfect and gripping eight episode mystery that was a part of the trendy influx of prestigious detective miniseries including Top of the Lake, True Detective and Fargo. While the latter two are continuing, they’re continuing with a different conceit: a new story, new actors. Broadchurch instead returns to rehash its original story (in a different way than the mostly reviled American remake Gracepoint). As it unfolds, one can’t help but have The Killing comparisons dance in their heads. It was hard enough to watch David Tennant nearly die once. How could we possibly expect to withstand another eight episodes of the heart-deficient detective go through it again?

The Killing somehow lasted four seasons, but it never recovered its buzzy intrigue when dragging out its central mystery. This didn’t seem like an issue with Broadchurch. After a tumultuous and frankly, insane, investigation, Alec Hardy (David Tennant) and Ellie Miller (Olivia Colman) had found Danny Latimer’s killer: Miller’s own husband Joe Miller (Matthew Gravelle).

The series picks up on the eve of Joe’s trial, the small coastal town of Broadchurch ready to finally put this ordeal behind them. Essentially, Joe and creator Chris Chibnall had other plans. Joe pleads not guilty, despite confessing last season, and season 2 chronicles the trial of Joe Miller, but really acts as a trial of the citizens of Broadchurch, reopening wounds, shedding to light slightly new developments and ripping to shreds Hardy and Miller’s admittedly shaky investigation.

We never get insight into why Joe makes this surprising decision, beyond simply being afraid of prison. That’s not enough to make this reek of anything more than a show-mandated choice; in fact, Joe’s hardly on trial. There’s never any real doubt that Joe molested and killed a minor, which makes everything all the more uncomfortable. Danny’s murder is used as a stage for a lawyer pissing match between prosecutor Jocelyn (Charlotte Rampling) and her former embittered protégé defense attorney Sharon Bishop (Marianne Jean-Baptiste).  Broadchurch’s second season attacks the justice system, morphing into a cop-lawyer combo show, and it’s infuriating to know that there are cases that are ruined by speculation, lies, drama and distraction. It’s a flawed system (though the wigs help), certainly, and Broadchurch is effective in its excoriation of Britain’s justice system, but it’s exploiting its characters to deliver the message, and feels manipulative because of it.

The other, more gripping, half of the show involves reopening another case: Sandbrook, the unsolved murder that haunted Hardy throughout the first series, a tortured investigation that nearly killed Hardy and certainly killed his reputation and ruined his marriage. Turns out, Hardy had never stopped working the case, and has been “taking care” of Claire (Eve Myles), the wife of his prime suspect Lee Ashworth (James D’Arcy). Apparently he’s been keeping her safe and hidden away at his home, away from her potentially murderous husband. The whole thing doesn’t feel right; it feels like Hardy is holding her prisoner in some warped, self-created witness protection program.

Of course, Lee is back in town, and follows Hardy to Broadchurch, and like with Joe’s trial, there’s never any doubt as to his guilt about something. It’s fascinating to see James D’Arcy as this dangerous, wife-beater wearing beefcake flirt of a killer, especially in conjunction with his bumbling Jarvis in Agent Carter, but this storyline never completely works either.

Following the Sandbrook fiasco, Hardy’s investigation inspired the brazen newspaper headline: “Worst Cop in Britain.” At one point early in the season, I wondered if that might be true, as he and Miller nearly reach Gotham levels of incompetence.

But somehow, some way, Broadchurch’s second season still works, mostly as an excuse to hear Tennant’s wondrous pronunciation of “Mill-ah.”  Despite all its flaws, Broadchurch remains compulsively watchable thanks to the fantastic performances by our two leading detectives, Hardy and Miller. The show works Alec brings Ellie into his confidence, and enlists her help in tackling Sandbrook, because Broadchurch sings when these two are bickering at each other with a singular purpose.

In season one, Hardy was broken, quite literally dying. The roles are reversed in season 2 (except the dying part), as Ellie grapples with the fact that her husband molested and killed her son’s best friend. She’s not just lost the person she most trusted in the universe; she’s lost her friends and the respect of the town. She’s completely lost her life. The entire town suspects she had to know, and her son Tom (Adam Wilson) doesn’t live with her anymore, abandoning her to live with his Aunt, and is the only person refusing to believe his father is guilty. It’s heartbreaking, and Colman’s emotions are always there, so painfully close to the surface, threatening to boil over. Broadchurch fans will likely be sated for her performance alone.

During its second season premiere, the defense has Danny’s body dug up, in order to search for more evidence. It’s quite obviously a ploy, and it’s quickly revealed that Danny’s body was dug up for nothing. In many ways, this is an apt metaphor for the entire season. Aside from witnessing some sterling performances and getting a double dose of closure, was it worth it? I’m still not sure. Unfortunately, despite a satisfactory ending and a finale that wraps up nearly every loose end, it appears that Chibnall and company haven’t learned their lesson: a series 3 is happening.

Broadchurch season 2 is already out on DVD. The set comes with deleted and extended scenes, several joint interviews with David Tennant and Olivia Colman, stars Andrew Buchan and Jodie Whittaker, a making-of, featurettes on the Latimer family and interviews with new cast members Charlotte Rampling and Eve Myles. Buy it today!

When Peter Capaldi was announced, I was ecstatic. Not because I knew who he was (because honestly, I didn’t) but because he was so unlike any of the New Series Doctors. He was older, a bit wiser looking and there was something that was so exciting about getting back to a Doctor who wasn’t fresh out of puberty.

I stayed away from all spoilers (aside from new companion/villain casting) and I refused to read about the script leakage (Shame on them!) let alone go in search of the scripts themselves. I was bracing myself, I was ready, I was convinced it was going to be awesome season because I (stop your groaning) love Clara and wanted her to finally be able to step out of Amy’s shadow and maybe that could happen with a new Doctor. Unfortunately, that was one of the only things that happened in the Series 8 premiere that was worthwhile. (I don’t care what anyone says, Clara is awesome and the restaurant exchange between her and Capaldi’s Doc was phenomenal).

Now I know the premiere was a few days ago, but I controlled myself and didn’t watch it until I went to a proper screening last night with a lifelong Whovian (who like many others, is a diehard Tom Baker fan). But when leaving the surprisingly full AMC theatre, we were both shocked at how underwhelmed we were.

The story that this long ass episode tried to tell, was a hot mess. Starting with a dinosaur roaming Victorian England, ending with some funky-freaky incarnation of the Clockwork Androids from one of my favorite episodes of television ever (S02.E04 “The Girl in the Fireplace”, also written by Moffat) jumping out of the TARDIS and spearing himself to death. The episode was a disaster when it started and a disaster when it ended.

Like many of Moffat’s episodes since he took over as show-runner, it tried to do too much in a short amount of time and instead of blending together as one cohesive and intriguing mystery, it was too  many different ideas and not enough of any of them. Between the unnecessary dinosaur, Capaldi’s absolutely beautiful exchange with the homeless man, Clara being interrogated by Madame Vastra, and the Doctor and Clara trying to figure each other out at the same time as solving the mystery of “what the restaurant was”… It was just wrong and it did not work.

In addition to the many storylines that didn’t weave together, I, and I suspect many others, were also more preoccupied in figuring out this new Doctor and who he is (which became increasingly more difficult as the episode went on) rather than investing in the ridiculous story. The first episode with a new Doctor is always challenging to get through – whether it’s because you can’t let go of the last one (I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO, MATT SMITH) or because the Doctor has spent the majority of the episode passed out and regenerating (I’m looking at you, Tennant), but Moffat made it extremely difficult on us this time. Capaldi’s inner dialogue that was very much outer dialogue for the entire episode was beautiful and tragic and interesting…but is that really who this Doctor is? Answer: Apparently, given the closing scene between him and Clara.

All that being said however, Peter Capaldi did a wonderful job embodying our beloved Doctor. He had the weight of the world on his 2000 year old shoulders and commanded every scene he was in, not to mention his comedic timing and humor was just perfect (as was the writing for those particular moments: so many good one-liners and jokes, especially about being Scottish.)

But unfortunately again, none of Capaldi’s excellence in performance changes the fact that the problems in writing outweighed even the best of the funny. To add insult to injury, DOCTOR WHO has also become a bunch of green screen and CGI. I’m all about improving quality of TV, what? One of the great things about DOCTOR WHO was the kitschy sets and people dressed in monster-costumes, and now we’ve moved onto gigantic computer-generated dinosaurs and horrible shots of dead androids (which, by the way, were completely superfluous and crude for the nature of the show).

Basically it comes down to this: I have been Team Moffat since he took over DOCTOR WHO three series’ ago; I have stuck by him, defended him, and supported him but I’m starting to feel as if that time in my life is coming to a close. While SHERLOCK is only getting better, Moffat doesn’t seem to have a grasp on what he’s doing with DOCTOR WHO (although, I do love that they finally addressed the question of who gave Clara the TARDIS phone number) and I’m crossing my fingers that he doesn’t take us down yet another road that completely eradicates past storylines. He better make a big change and real fast if he expects to keep this particular Whovian happy.

Get it together, Moff, and quick.

Fan Cosplay of the 7th Doctor

That 16 year break gave the network, the show runners, writers they brought on board, and the fans at home a chance to reinvent the Doctor and modernize him in a way that may not have been possible had he remained on the air that entire time. Everyone was given a fresh perspective and outlook on a most beloved character and most fans seemed to be more than happy to have the Doctor back, regardless of who had been cast. Of course, there are always fan-based ideal casting choices; everyone has their preferences and that’s absolutely fine – the point here is that the majority of fans were just glad to have the Doctor on screen again – they’d take him anyway they could have him. And maybe it’s time for that again. Maybe if we say goodbye to the Doctor for a few years (five or even ten) when we bring him back we can revive him into a black man, or a middle-aged woman and it would be ok because people would be thankful just to have the Doctor back again. A hiatus spanning 3-5 years would give everyone – the writers, studio, and actors – a chance to really develop this new series starring a whole different brand of Doctor. It would offer those involved on the inside the opportunity to advertise and market this new Doctor however they saw fit in keeping with the tradition of who the Doctor was at [his] core, beneath all the scarves and fez’s. Now, I’m [surprisingly] not saying that a female Doctor specifically is the best, most awesome idea ever… But I am absolutely open to it if the time was taken to do it properly, with the right woman in the role and the right show-runner (who I do not believe is Moffat. My previous article on Moffat’s female characters notwithstanding. I do like him enough, but I’m not sure he would be able to change genders and lead a successful show, especially considering what he’s changed with the current one – which is everything.)

Fan Cosplay of the official 13th [Matt Smith] Doctor

Sixty four characters from J.K. Rowling’s life defining series of books (and the films that WB lovingly adapted) made it through the Goblet of Fire. Unless you’re Crabbe and Goyle (and shame on you if you are), everyone that made it into this March Madness-style Triwizard Tournament received at least some love in the proceedings.

And that’s how it should be. Each and every time something like this is organized, I’m sure a new winner is crowned. Harry Potter is so rich and full with brilliant, multi-faceted characters, and everyone has their own favorite. Now we know the favorite of our tiny corner of the universe, as a winner is crowned on the 16th anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts.

Was there any doubt that a witch or wizard from Gryffindor (“Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.”) would stand above all the rest when it was all said and done? Perhaps it’s surprising who ended up as the internet’s champion, as Harry Potter himself, Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley, and the Weasley Twins, were nowhere to be found holding the mantle of favorite/best Harry Potter universe character when it was all said and done. It was none other than Hermione Granger, who out-prepared the field, never coming close to defeat, taking out the might that is the Weasley Twins in the finals, with a whopping 76.5% of the vote. Here’s the final bracket, as Granger vanquished Dean Thomas, Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore and the Weasley Twins en route to holding the Triwizard Cup.

In other words:

After every March Madness tournament, CBS Sports airs “One Shining Moment,” a video featuring the highlights of the games, the drama, the tears, the excitement. Grant Belcher, an enormously talented friend of the site, fashioned his own version for this tournament. It’s very easily the best thing that’s ever come out of Seven Inches of Your Time since its inception. Without further ado, here is Hermione Granger’s One Shining Moment:

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It’s all come down to this.

After a torturous tournament run that can only be described as Azkabanian (I’d rather have taken my N.E.W.T.’s), twothree wizards remain.

Fred and George Weasley, the twin champions of comedy, took out Harry Potter himself (“We got Potter! We got Potter!”), en route to representing the Burrow and all that’s light, frothy and jokesy about the world.

Hermione Granger, the bushy-tailed every-woman nerd, vanquished Albus Dumbledore, showing book smarts still matters in an age where books are dying.

Now opposites face off. Fred and George Weasley dropped out of Hogwart’s to pursue a career in making people laugh. Hermione would rather die than let that happen…though of course, we never see her graduate from Hogwart’s either, as she sorted out her priorities. Can she sort out the twins?

As Oliver Wood would say, “This is it.”

“The big one,” said Fred Weasley.

“The one we’ve all been waiting for,” said George.

They know Oliver’s speech by heart, and you know the drill by now…so without further ado, VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE HARRY POTTER CHARACTER!

Voting ends Thursday May 1st at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote till your fingers bleed. You may need a pint of Butterbeer, or seven, from Madam Rosmerta’s private reserve to make a decision.

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Only eight witches and wizards remain in this crazed March Madness-style tournament of HARRY POTTER characters. Allow me to illuminate the bracket for you. LUMOS!

None of the survivors are Ron Weasley. If there was one person I’m fine with one of the all-time greats losing to, it’s his dear ole mum, the patron saint of parenthood/awesome, and the den mother of the Burrow/all of us, Molly Weasley.

Whimsy and quirk were defeated once and for all, as Luna Lovegood was no match for the Half-Blood Prince, one Severus Snape, and I have no quibble(r)s about it.

Harry’s father figures are like squibs: we don’t want any part of that shit, as Sirius Black succumbed to the veil once again.

Death Eaters have also been eradicated, as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Bellatrix Lestrange have been Avada Kedavra’d from the proceedings.

Its humans only, as Hedwig has taken his final flight.

Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom, as has been fated, will face off for a spot in the Final Four. But will it even matter, with Snape, Lupin, Hermione or Dumbledore emerging on the other side, and the King or Queen of Weasley’s standing in their way to the Championship?

We’ve arrived to the Elite 8, when decisions are more painful than splinching, or as exhausting as Hermione’s class schedule sans a time turner. Was Harry truly the right Chosen One? Can the Weasley twin wheeze past their mother? Can Hermione dispatch our favorite Professor/werewolf, Remus Lupin? Can Snape outwit his second and truest master, Albus Dumbledore? Time to find out.

Voting lasts through the weekend, until April 27th at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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The first two rounds of our March Madness style Harry Potter bracket has been fun, mildly diverting. Relatively easy. It was like remedial potions. Now the bracket looks like this (click on the image to make it larger):

Now it gets brutal. Sirius. Like cruciatus curse painful. It’s time to forever sort your priorities. Voldemort takes on Dumbledore. Harry gets a chance at vengeance against Bellatrix. Neville faces his toughest test yet…an owl. Hermione vs. McGonagall (!!). Ron against his mother. Fred and George must take down Sirius Black…and perhaps the biggest match of opposites ever: Luna Lovegood versus one Severus Snape.

Second round results and analysis is forthcoming (Hagrid loses to a character who was never alive for any part of the books…and that was the only upset). For rankings of the most recent losers, check this out. Let’s jump into this like Neville would a Herbology class.

Voting lasts until Wednesday, April 23rd, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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On Monday, we launched the first round of the March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. After four days of routs, combined with a few upsets (Oliver Wood for Prime Minister) that Professor Trelawney likely could have predicted in her sleep (which is how she does her predictions), NOW we’re jumping into the dark, murky depths of the tunnels of Hogwarts (Basilisk beware!), so deep and suffocating that even gillyweed wouldn’t save you.

Only 32 characters remain to achieve glory, angling for a spot in the Sweet Sixteen. Click on the bracket below for a better glimpse at the witches, wizards, owls, centaurs, muggles, ghosts, house elves and half-giants that remain.

For predictions and analysis from a lackluster Lee Jordan impression, check out our Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Bracketology. For commentary and tributes to the fallen favorites, consult Lee Jordan’s Unforgivable Bracket Results.

The easy answers have been made. Round 2 and beyond will serve to give us the answers that even Bathilda Bagshot doesn’t know the answer to, and you certainly wouldn’t find in A History of Magic. Who is Potterverse’s champion of quirky and cool: Tonks or Luna Lovegood? Is Kingsley Shacklebolt the most underrated HP character there is? Will anyone vote for the Dursley’s against Harry? Can the humble Hufflepuff house and their savior, Cedric Diggory, take down Sir Neville Longbottom? Can evil triumph when Bellatrix battles Mad Eye? Who is the internet’s favorite Weasley: Can Ginny beat her mother? Will the twins topple their father? Is anyone losing any sleep over Percy Weasley’s elimination? Does Lee Jordan, the unofficial bracket mascot/host, have what it takes to continue his Cinderella run? Are Oliver “Gives Me” Wood, Lily Potter and Firenze built to last in this tournament? The answers are coming, as Round 2 begins.

Voting lasts until Monday, April 21st, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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This past Monday, this silly HP-themed bracket was launched on this website that, I’ll tell ya, doesn’t pay well. We’re officially through with the opening round, with Round 2 kicking off NOW. To vote, GO HERE.

Over the course of the tournament, I, your thrilling/but totally bored host, Lee Jordan, will walk you through the twists, the turns, the soul-crushing defeats, the heart-soaring comebacks, and the Cinderella stories of this tournament. As always, I shall announce the results loud and clear so you won’t need extendable ears to hear it, wherever you may be on the interwebs.

The Burrow Region:

1. Ron Weasley DEF. 16. Seamus Finnigan: Ron, perhaps the favorite for the whole tournament, depending on whom you ask, managed to vanquish his first test, though it wasn’t a breeze like it was for Harry and Hermione. Kinda like his life. Seamus Finnegan was probably the toughest #16 seed though, and it showed, as Ron only received 81.2% of the vote.

Oh, Seamus:

8. Bill Weasley DEF. 9. Fleur Delacour: The odd couple was the closest match of the second half of Round 1, which proved to be less than thrilling. This was close (the Were-Weasley notched 56% of the vote), but still kinda milquetoast.

Hey, remember when Ron asked Fleur to the Yule Ball and she married his older brother?

5. Ginny Weasley DEF. 12. Cho Chang: I clearly underestimated the love for Ginny, as Mrs. Potter ran away with this one, (Jennifer) garnering 90% of the tallies. Maybe it’s because I go bro before ho’s, and Ginny’s the sister of my best mates. Smooth move, Potter. I guess Cho was kind of a bitch to Harry. Who cares about the death of Cedric, anyhow? Lame excuse.

No words:

4. Molly Weasley DEF. 13. Narcissa Malfoy: Molly destroyed Narcissa, and all is right in the universe.

Here’s Narcissa’s saving grace:

6. Arthur Weasley DEF. 11. Lucius Malfoy: People clearly love Jason Isaacs, because while Arthur won quite handily, only 70% seemed like a victory for Lucius. For awhile, Lucius was the scariest villain in the HP universe. He was Draco’s father, the man who created the nuisance to all creation, and before he became a wimp, he was one of the more imposing foes Harry faced…before You-Know-Who came back.

Here’s a tribute to the man, entitled “Dark & Beautiful,” which I in no shape or form watched, so good luck:

3. Fred & George Weasley DEF. 14. Charlie Weasley: Charlie seems like a nice enough bloke, but its the TWINS! Here here! F&G proved the biggest studs of the opening round in this region, netting 94.1% of the vote.

Because Charlie Weasley hardly exists, I give to you…a faux trailer or something for a Charlie Weasley film starring Seth Green in the titular role, and the dragons from DRAGONHEART:

10. Lee Jordan DEF. 7. Percy Weasley: 100 POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! Hooray, me! Finally, an upset, though I’d hardly call this one. It wasn’t even close, as I got nigh 80% of the votes. Sirius better watch his back.

Percy wasn’t going to get a video (nor does he deserve one), until I stumbled upon this:

2. Sirius Black DEF. 15. Buckbeak: Poor Buckbeak. He saves Sirius’ ass on multiple occasions, only survives because of some questionable time travel, and STILL, he gets whupped on by his buddy Mr. Black.

Good ole Buckbeak. Here’s our introduction to the proud, dangerous and wonderful creature, minus the awful Draco Malfoy bits that threatened to ruin that entire book/movie:

The Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof):

1. Severus Snape DEF. 16. James Potter: While Snape won handily, he also was by far the weakest top seed performer in the opening round, only receiving 69.9% of the vote. Snape is a mercurial, love/hate character, but James Potter, aside from spawning the Boy Who Lived, seemed like a right arse, and I expected Snape to destroy him and get his revenge. Snape moves on…but perhaps I’m overrating his appeal. Or am I underrating the loyalty to the Potter family?

8. Nearly Headless Nick DEF. 9. Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle scares the bejesus out of me, and John Cleese is a legend, and the whole idea of someone being “nearly headless” is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever heard.

Remember when Moaning Myrtle helped Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory win the Triwizard Tournament, and maybe ghost boink Cedric?

5. Nymphadora Tonks DEF. 12. Garrick Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, but not enough people chose Ollivander. I love Natalia Tena and the vivacious attitude of Tonks, and so does the Internet, though I was surprised by how many votes Ollivander received (getting almost 30% of the shares). John Hurt is the tits though.

4. Luna Lovegood DEF. 13. Viktor Krum: If the first round is any indication, Luna Lovegood might emerge victorious against Tonks in a battle of the weird and alternative. I would’ve guessed Viktor Krum would have more love than Ollivander, yet Luna pushed him off his broom and stomped on his face, coming away with 82.4% of the vote.

I’m with Ron; Krum sucks. Some other people disagree, however:

6. Kingsley Shacklebolt DEF. 11. Rufus Scrimgeour: In a battle of better Ministers of Magic than Cornelius Fudge, Kingsley proved the easy winner, racking up the second highest differential in the region. Whenever I read his name, I envision Ben Kingsley and Bolt from BOLT, hitching a ride on a Firebolt broom, perhaps with Love Shack playing in the background. It’s a wonderful image, and if anyone else in the world now thinks that when they happen upon Kingsley Shacklebolt, this whole tournament was a success.

Before we meet meet Rufus, he has one of the most badass introductions:

3. Voldemort DEF. 14. Nagini: Nagini is terrifying, because snakes are the worst, and it’s clear that only one man could defeat Nagini (Neville). But the horcrux is no match for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Nagini has many BIG moments in the series, but the Bathilda Bagshot scene in Godric’s Hollow takes the cake:

10. Aberforth Dumbledore DEF. 7. Filch & Mrs. Norris: For whatever reason, I always thought Filch and Mrs. Norris had a bizarre following comprised of cat people and prickly maids/butlers, but if there is, they aren’t on the Internet, as Aberforth plowed through the caretaker with ease, getting 77% of the votes cast in his general direction.

This is Everything:

Filch is the best, when you’re not the one in trouble:

2. Albus Dumbledore DEF. 15. Gellert Grindelwald: This probably would be the most epic wizarding duel ever, but instead, Albus was in cruise control, getting 86.1% of the vote en route to a match up against his (rightfully) resentful brother.

The Chosen One(s) Region:

1. Harry Potter DEF. 16. Cornelius Fudge: What, you expected the boy who lived not to survive the first round of his own bloody tournament? It certainly helps that he took on an oaf. Shockingly, four other matchups were bigger landslides than this duel, and Harry notched 96.4% of the vote. What can we learn from this? Not only were there a lot of lopsided affairs in Round 1 (thus far), but perhaps Harry Potter is not as invincible as one might think. A less likely possibility? There are Cornelius Fudge sympathizers. Bwahahahaaha.

As a send off, I give you Harry & The Potters performing…”Cornelius Fudge is an Ass”:

And for the six people who voted for Cornelius Fudge, he’s a video chronicling his journey from clueless politician to “total douchebaggery”:

9. The Dursleys DEF. 8. Peter Pettigrew: The masses have spoken. We’d much rather suffer through an unbearable childhood in a closet under the stairs and bullied by a fat moron, than deal with a man who betrayed his parents, leading to their premature deaths. Yeah, I suppose that makes sense, though it was actually the 5th closest battle. It’s pretty sad that the Dursleys were ever allowed to win anything in this stupid tournament. It’ll be no doubt be rectified next round, as the HP/Dursleys second round match is the early odds-on favorite for most lopsided of the bunch.

Here’s the big Scabbers reveal:

5. Mad Eye Moody DEF. 12. Mundungus Fletcher: Fletcher was one of the most useless and crappy characters Rowling created, and the evidence helps back up that assertion, as Moody rolled to a massive victory, garnering 96.6% of the vote, the fourth biggest margin in the tourney thus far.

Here’s Mundungus’ interrogation:

4. Bellatrix Lestrange DEF. 13. Griphook: So far, Bellatrix Lestrange is the only villainous character to survive the first round. Are HP fans a bunch of Pansy Parkinson’s? Or are they saving their love for the right villains? Clearly, Helena Bonham Carter’s Bellatrix is one of them, setting up a fascinating match between her and Mad Eye Moody.

Goblins are people too (okay, so not true, but you get my point), so let’s say farewell to the kinda nice creature with a scene from Shell Cottage:

6. Hedwig DEF. 11. Fawkes: Here I was, thinking Hedwig was a sleeper for the Sweet 16, because he’s a badass owl (and Harry’s badass owl), but he barely took out Fawkes. Did I overestimate Hedwig, or underrate Fawkes? I lean toward the latter, as this was the second closest fight of the first round, probably because of how useful the bird was throughout the series, its association with Dumbledore, and because somebody manipulated the voters by putting the picture of Fawkes crying. How do you vote against a crying bird? Who knew birds can cry? Well, phoenixes (phoenices? phoenii?) can do practically anything, another reason why the mystical creature almost took out the world’s most infamous snowy owl.

Look no further than these scenes from CHAMBER OF SECRETS to learn why Fawkes is so popular:

14. Oliver Wood DEF. 3. Draco Malfoy: This was by far the most thrilling match of the first round (thus far, though I doubt it’ll be topped). Oliver Wood’s name will be mentioned in the same breath as many of the all-time great upsets and Cinderella teams in history (Butler, Wichita State, Gonzaga, Florida Gulf Coast) following this nail-biting victory. Oliver Wood taught Harry, and all of us, Quidditch, and did so in a sexy accent, and was the Coach Taylor of the Gryffindor team. And that proved the difference, even though Team Felton almost made the comeback, coming two votes shy of a tie after trailing by a hefty deficit. Turns out Malfoy’s “good looks” couldn’t tip the scale with all of his other nasty traits. I’ll give it to him though, he sure can say “Potter” with the best of ’em.

Good riddance.

7. Cedric Diggory DEF. 10. Barty Crouch Jr.: Team Edward beats Team Tennant, and fairly handily, receiving 70.1% of the vote. In so doing, the Hero of Hufflepuff has announced his presence as a contender for a big-time run.

To say goodbye, here’s one of two scenes we actually see Barty Crouch Jr.’s true form, and it’s a doozy:

2. Neville Longbottom DEF. 15. Crabbe & Goyle: Well, this one just wasn’t fair. My preseason pick to win it all didn’t disappoint in his opening round game, as Neville is the only contender to receive 100% of the vote. Not one person could muster a vote for the dipshit twins. Maybe if they were Harry and Ron AS Crabbe & Goyle, Polyjuice style, it would’ve been a different story. Neville has a tougher test ahead of him in Cedric Diggory, and perhaps such a soft first round matchup might give our boy a false sense of security.

Because they didn’t get a single vote, I’m assuming that means no one cares they’re gone, so they don’t get a video.

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“It’s Levi-OSA” Region

1. Hermione Granger DEF. 16. Dean Thomas: The Giraffe proved little trouble for Hermione. While Dean Thomas received a higher percentage of votes (4.7%) than fellow 16 seed Cornelius Fudge (barely, 3.6%), I think Hermione’s performance is more impressive than Harry’s, because Fudge was a gimme matchup. Dean Thomas actually has fans, because he’s attractive, and could’ve knocked up Ginny.

Here’s “Save Ginny Weasley From Dean Thomas” by Harry & The Potters:

Or there’s this creepy Harry Potter as Norman Bates video:

8. Gilderoy Lockhart DEF. 9. Rita Skeeter: The fans have chosen ineptitude over conniving manipulator, a pretty salient statement on society. It was the third closest battle waged in the opening two regions, however, with Gilderoy escaping with 57.5% of the vote.

For awhile, Rita Skeeter was one of the most annoying thorns in Harry’s side…but I kind of remember her fondly now. Time heals wounds, people.

12. Firenze DEF. 5. Dolores Umbridge: Every year, a #12 seed topples a #5 seed, and oftentimes there is more than one. Firenze proves that adage true even when there isn’t basketball involved. Firenze proved to be more than capable of springing the upset, and it wasn’t even close, as he outclassed the Pink Puke, getting 77% of the vote.

Dolores was one of the most effective villains in the series, but she could not overcome a character with such unfortunate history with the character. Maybe it’s not so surprising after all. She clearly deserved it.

There are an infinite number of ways why we hate Dolores Umbridge. Here’s one of them:

4. Professor McGonagall DEF. 13. Professor Trelawney: Poor dear ole Trelawney. Always getting the short end of the stick, as she fell in lopsided fashion to Minerva, in the third biggest deficit of the two opening regions. McGonagall proved she’s a force to be reckoned with, because Trelawney’s a funny, whimsical character played by a popular actress. But Maggie Smith is kind of the ultimate trump card, and will likely end Firenze’s Cinderella story (imagine a centaur in glass slippers) before it gathers more steam.

When Trelawney gets fired, even Minerva had Trelawney’s back:

6. Dobby DEF. 11. Kreacher: No doubt Dobby is punishing himself for kicking out a fellow House Elf, probably preheating the oven before he can stuff his ears in it, or whatever else inane things the self-flagellating elf does in his free time.

Poor Kreacher. Here’s Kreacher before Harry started to treat him better:

3. Remus Lupin DEF. 14. Fenrir Greyback: Probably the biggest no brainer of the first round, maybe even more than the Fudge/Potter “match.” One of the most sympathetic, haunted, damaged and heroic characters in all the books…against the evil prick who turned him into a werewolf. Greyback’s a fearsome foe and villain…but he got what was coming here. Some evil bastard votes for Fenrir, but that only happened once, as Lupin very nearly swept his opening opponent, setting up a fascinating Lupin/Dobby duel in the Round of 32.

10. Lily Potter DEF. 7. Horace Slughorn: For a character who exists more in what other people say about her, or what we see in brief flashbacks, it’s incredible the backing Lily Potter has. Of course, it helps that she seems like the perfect human, and saved Harry’s life, saved Snape’s life by caring for him, and essentially cared for everyone. She’s the idyllic Mother, and while she lacks layers like many of the other characters in this bracket, she also has untold upside, after taking out her former Potions teacher and Slug Club host, receiving 72.5% of the vote. Something tells me Slughorn wouldn’t have minded.

Horace Slughorn is an amusing lout, and thanks to his Felix Felicis potion and jaunt with Harry, is one of the comedic highlights of the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. I wouldn’t say he deserved better, since he told Tom Riddle about Horcruxes, but I liked the guy. Here’s how we first met him:

2. Hagrid DEF. 15. Aragog: Hagrid’s likely bawling his eyes out and drinking himself into a stupor for defeating his old pal Aragog, as he got 91.2% of the vote, gliding into the second round against a far more daunting opponent: Lily Potter. Rooting against Lily Potter is like rooting against flowers and happiness and butterflies…but HAGRID, people.

Aragog’s a giant, scary spider…so there’s that. But…

“Farewell, Aragog, king of arachnids, whose long and faithful friendship those who knew you won’t forget! Though your body will decay, your spirit lingers on in the quiet, web-spun places of your forest home. May your many-eyed descendants ever flourish and your human friends find solace for the loss they have sustained.“

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To many, J.K. Rowling’s magical book series, and WB’s 8-film franchise was their everything. On July 21st, 2007, the final chapter, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS came out in the UK and the U.S. On July 15th, 2011, the film series unveiled its last hurrah, seemingly putting a poignant and final flourish & blotts on our childhoods. Many of us wish we had a time turner to relive it all again.

But luckily (even without felix felicis), Harry Potter never ends.

The boy who lived lives on in our hearts, and will forever. Every time you open one of the books, or throw on a film, you’re immediately Apparated back into the bewitching world Rowling created, rekindling the joys and optimism of youth. To commemorate Pottermore’s anniversary, and to have an excuse to revel in these wonderful characters again, we introduce you to this March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. Accio bracket! Click on the image below for a larger snapshot of the field.

Half the field have played in the opening round, and now we reach The Burrow and The Dark Arts (Or Defense Against Thereof) regions, as we seek to answer life’s greatest mysteries. Who is your favorite character from the world of HARRY POTTER? Who would you want to ask to the Yule Ball? Who do you think would make the best Minister of Magic, or headmaster of Hogwarts? Who would win in a duel? Interpret and divinate these match-ups in witch-ever way you’d like. This is hardly a Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test, but the agony of indecision may incur a reaction not unlike the side effects of Puking Pastilles. Now that Draco has fallen, can a Malfoy ever win? Will anyone besides Neville be perfect in the opening salvo? Who is your favorite Weasley? Who was Harry’s true love? Does Sirius Black have what it takes to take down the lovable Weasley family? Or will Buckbeak create the biggest upset in Harry Potter themed March Madness history? Do cat lovers even like Mrs. Norris, or do I not understand cat lovers? Who’s the best ghost of them all? For thoughts and analysis on the bracket, check out Lee Jordan’s Exclusive Bracketology.

Voting lasts until Thursday, April 17th, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

Round 2 (for all regions) starts Friday, April 18th at 8:00 AM PT. 

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