Harry Potter And The Unforgivable Bracket Results, Round 1 [Updated]

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This past Monday, this silly HP-themed bracket was launched on this website that, I’ll tell ya, doesn’t pay well. We’re officially through with the opening round, with Round 2 kicking off NOW. To vote, GO HERE.

Over the course of the tournament, I, your thrilling/but totally bored host, Lee Jordan, will walk you through the twists, the turns, the soul-crushing defeats, the heart-soaring comebacks, and the Cinderella stories of this tournament. As always, I shall announce the results loud and clear so you won’t need extendable ears to hear it, wherever you may be on the interwebs.

The Burrow Region:

1. Ron Weasley DEF. 16. Seamus Finnigan: Ron, perhaps the favorite for the whole tournament, depending on whom you ask, managed to vanquish his first test, though it wasn’t a breeze like it was for Harry and Hermione. Kinda like his life. Seamus Finnegan was probably the toughest #16 seed though, and it showed, as Ron only received 81.2% of the vote.

Oh, Seamus:

8. Bill Weasley DEF. 9. Fleur Delacour: The odd couple was the closest match of the second half of Round 1, which proved to be less than thrilling. This was close (the Were-Weasley notched 56% of the vote), but still kinda milquetoast.

Hey, remember when Ron asked Fleur to the Yule Ball and she married his older brother?

5. Ginny Weasley DEF. 12. Cho Chang: I clearly underestimated the love for Ginny, as Mrs. Potter ran away with this one, (Jennifer) garnering 90% of the tallies. Maybe it’s because I go bro before ho’s, and Ginny’s the sister of my best mates. Smooth move, Potter. I guess Cho was kind of a bitch to Harry. Who cares about the death of Cedric, anyhow? Lame excuse.

No words:

4. Molly Weasley DEF. 13. Narcissa Malfoy: Molly destroyed Narcissa, and all is right in the universe.

Here’s Narcissa’s saving grace:

6. Arthur Weasley DEF. 11. Lucius Malfoy: People clearly love Jason Isaacs, because while Arthur won quite handily, only 70% seemed like a victory for Lucius. For awhile, Lucius was the scariest villain in the HP universe. He was Draco’s father, the man who created the nuisance to all creation, and before he became a wimp, he was one of the more imposing foes Harry faced…before You-Know-Who came back.

Here’s a tribute to the man, entitled “Dark & Beautiful,” which I in no shape or form watched, so good luck:

3. Fred & George Weasley DEF. 14. Charlie Weasley: Charlie seems like a nice enough bloke, but its the TWINS! Here here! F&G proved the biggest studs of the opening round in this region, netting 94.1% of the vote.

Because Charlie Weasley hardly exists, I give to you…a faux trailer or something for a Charlie Weasley film starring Seth Green in the titular role, and the dragons from DRAGONHEART:

10. Lee Jordan DEF. 7. Percy Weasley: 100 POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! Hooray, me! Finally, an upset, though I’d hardly call this one. It wasn’t even close, as I got nigh 80% of the votes. Sirius better watch his back.

Percy wasn’t going to get a video (nor does he deserve one), until I stumbled upon this:

2. Sirius Black DEF. 15. Buckbeak: Poor Buckbeak. He saves Sirius’ ass on multiple occasions, only survives because of some questionable time travel, and STILL, he gets whupped on by his buddy Mr. Black.

Good ole Buckbeak. Here’s our introduction to the proud, dangerous and wonderful creature, minus the awful Draco Malfoy bits that threatened to ruin that entire book/movie:

The Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof):

1. Severus Snape DEF. 16. James Potter: While Snape won handily, he also was by far the weakest top seed performer in the opening round, only receiving 69.9% of the vote. Snape is a mercurial, love/hate character, but James Potter, aside from spawning the Boy Who Lived, seemed like a right arse, and I expected Snape to destroy him and get his revenge. Snape moves on…but perhaps I’m overrating his appeal. Or am I underrating the loyalty to the Potter family?

8. Nearly Headless Nick DEF. 9. Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle scares the bejesus out of me, and John Cleese is a legend, and the whole idea of someone being “nearly headless” is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever heard.

Remember when Moaning Myrtle helped Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory win the Triwizard Tournament, and maybe ghost boink Cedric?

5. Nymphadora Tonks DEF. 12. Garrick Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, but not enough people chose Ollivander. I love Natalia Tena and the vivacious attitude of Tonks, and so does the Internet, though I was surprised by how many votes Ollivander received (getting almost 30% of the shares). John Hurt is the tits though.

4. Luna Lovegood DEF. 13. Viktor Krum: If the first round is any indication, Luna Lovegood might emerge victorious against Tonks in a battle of the weird and alternative. I would’ve guessed Viktor Krum would have more love than Ollivander, yet Luna pushed him off his broom and stomped on his face, coming away with 82.4% of the vote.

I’m with Ron; Krum sucks. Some other people disagree, however:

6. Kingsley Shacklebolt DEF. 11. Rufus Scrimgeour: In a battle of better Ministers of Magic than Cornelius Fudge, Kingsley proved the easy winner, racking up the second highest differential in the region. Whenever I read his name, I envision Ben Kingsley and Bolt from BOLT, hitching a ride on a Firebolt broom, perhaps with Love Shack playing in the background. It’s a wonderful image, and if anyone else in the world now thinks that when they happen upon Kingsley Shacklebolt, this whole tournament was a success.

Before we meet meet Rufus, he has one of the most badass introductions:

3. Voldemort DEF. 14. Nagini: Nagini is terrifying, because snakes are the worst, and it’s clear that only one man could defeat Nagini (Neville). But the horcrux is no match for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Nagini has many BIG moments in the series, but the Bathilda Bagshot scene in Godric’s Hollow takes the cake:

10. Aberforth Dumbledore DEF. 7. Filch & Mrs. Norris: For whatever reason, I always thought Filch and Mrs. Norris had a bizarre following comprised of cat people and prickly maids/butlers, but if there is, they aren’t on the Internet, as Aberforth plowed through the caretaker with ease, getting 77% of the votes cast in his general direction.

This is Everything:

Filch is the best, when you’re not the one in trouble:

2. Albus Dumbledore DEF. 15. Gellert Grindelwald: This probably would be the most epic wizarding duel ever, but instead, Albus was in cruise control, getting 86.1% of the vote en route to a match up against his (rightfully) resentful brother.

The Chosen One(s) Region:

1. Harry Potter DEF. 16. Cornelius Fudge: What, you expected the boy who lived not to survive the first round of his own bloody tournament? It certainly helps that he took on an oaf. Shockingly, four other matchups were bigger landslides than this duel, and Harry notched 96.4% of the vote. What can we learn from this? Not only were there a lot of lopsided affairs in Round 1 (thus far), but perhaps Harry Potter is not as invincible as one might think. A less likely possibility? There are Cornelius Fudge sympathizers. Bwahahahaaha.

As a send off, I give you Harry & The Potters performing…”Cornelius Fudge is an Ass”:

And for the six people who voted for Cornelius Fudge, he’s a video chronicling his journey from clueless politician to “total douchebaggery”:

9. The Dursleys DEF. 8. Peter Pettigrew: The masses have spoken. We’d much rather suffer through an unbearable childhood in a closet under the stairs and bullied by a fat moron, than deal with a man who betrayed his parents, leading to their premature deaths. Yeah, I suppose that makes sense, though it was actually the 5th closest battle. It’s pretty sad that the Dursleys were ever allowed to win anything in this stupid tournament. It’ll be no doubt be rectified next round, as the HP/Dursleys second round match is the early odds-on favorite for most lopsided of the bunch.

Here’s the big Scabbers reveal:

5. Mad Eye Moody DEF. 12. Mundungus Fletcher: Fletcher was one of the most useless and crappy characters Rowling created, and the evidence helps back up that assertion, as Moody rolled to a massive victory, garnering 96.6% of the vote, the fourth biggest margin in the tourney thus far.

Here’s Mundungus’ interrogation:

4. Bellatrix Lestrange DEF. 13. Griphook: So far, Bellatrix Lestrange is the only villainous character to survive the first round. Are HP fans a bunch of Pansy Parkinson’s? Or are they saving their love for the right villains? Clearly, Helena Bonham Carter’s Bellatrix is one of them, setting up a fascinating match between her and Mad Eye Moody.

Goblins are people too (okay, so not true, but you get my point), so let’s say farewell to the kinda nice creature with a scene from Shell Cottage:

6. Hedwig DEF. 11. Fawkes: Here I was, thinking Hedwig was a sleeper for the Sweet 16, because he’s a badass owl (and Harry’s badass owl), but he barely took out Fawkes. Did I overestimate Hedwig, or underrate Fawkes? I lean toward the latter, as this was the second closest fight of the first round, probably because of how useful the bird was throughout the series, its association with Dumbledore, and because somebody manipulated the voters by putting the picture of Fawkes crying. How do you vote against a crying bird? Who knew birds can cry? Well, phoenixes (phoenices? phoenii?) can do practically anything, another reason why the mystical creature almost took out the world’s most infamous snowy owl.

Look no further than these scenes from CHAMBER OF SECRETS to learn why Fawkes is so popular:

14. Oliver Wood DEF. 3. Draco Malfoy: This was by far the most thrilling match of the first round (thus far, though I doubt it’ll be topped). Oliver Wood’s name will be mentioned in the same breath as many of the all-time great upsets and Cinderella teams in history (Butler, Wichita State, Gonzaga, Florida Gulf Coast) following this nail-biting victory. Oliver Wood taught Harry, and all of us, Quidditch, and did so in a sexy accent, and was the Coach Taylor of the Gryffindor team. And that proved the difference, even though Team Felton almost made the comeback, coming two votes shy of a tie after trailing by a hefty deficit. Turns out Malfoy’s “good looks” couldn’t tip the scale with all of his other nasty traits. I’ll give it to him though, he sure can say “Potter” with the best of ’em.

Good riddance.

7. Cedric Diggory DEF. 10. Barty Crouch Jr.: Team Edward beats Team Tennant, and fairly handily, receiving 70.1% of the vote. In so doing, the Hero of Hufflepuff has announced his presence as a contender for a big-time run.

To say goodbye, here’s one of two scenes we actually see Barty Crouch Jr.’s true form, and it’s a doozy:

2. Neville Longbottom DEF. 15. Crabbe & Goyle: Well, this one just wasn’t fair. My preseason pick to win it all didn’t disappoint in his opening round game, as Neville is the only contender to receive 100% of the vote. Not one person could muster a vote for the dipshit twins. Maybe if they were Harry and Ron AS Crabbe & Goyle, Polyjuice style, it would’ve been a different story. Neville has a tougher test ahead of him in Cedric Diggory, and perhaps such a soft first round matchup might give our boy a false sense of security.

Because they didn’t get a single vote, I’m assuming that means no one cares they’re gone, so they don’t get a video.

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“It’s Levi-OSA” Region

1. Hermione Granger DEF. 16. Dean Thomas: The Giraffe proved little trouble for Hermione. While Dean Thomas received a higher percentage of votes (4.7%) than fellow 16 seed Cornelius Fudge (barely, 3.6%), I think Hermione’s performance is more impressive than Harry’s, because Fudge was a gimme matchup. Dean Thomas actually has fans, because he’s attractive, and could’ve knocked up Ginny.

Here’s “Save Ginny Weasley From Dean Thomas” by Harry & The Potters:

Or there’s this creepy Harry Potter as Norman Bates video:

8. Gilderoy Lockhart DEF. 9. Rita Skeeter: The fans have chosen ineptitude over conniving manipulator, a pretty salient statement on society. It was the third closest battle waged in the opening two regions, however, with Gilderoy escaping with 57.5% of the vote.

For awhile, Rita Skeeter was one of the most annoying thorns in Harry’s side…but I kind of remember her fondly now. Time heals wounds, people.

12. Firenze DEF. 5. Dolores Umbridge: Every year, a #12 seed topples a #5 seed, and oftentimes there is more than one. Firenze proves that adage true even when there isn’t basketball involved. Firenze proved to be more than capable of springing the upset, and it wasn’t even close, as he outclassed the Pink Puke, getting 77% of the vote.

Dolores was one of the most effective villains in the series, but she could not overcome a character with such unfortunate history with the character. Maybe it’s not so surprising after all. She clearly deserved it.

There are an infinite number of ways why we hate Dolores Umbridge. Here’s one of them:

4. Professor McGonagall DEF. 13. Professor Trelawney: Poor dear ole Trelawney. Always getting the short end of the stick, as she fell in lopsided fashion to Minerva, in the third biggest deficit of the two opening regions. McGonagall proved she’s a force to be reckoned with, because Trelawney’s a funny, whimsical character played by a popular actress. But Maggie Smith is kind of the ultimate trump card, and will likely end Firenze’s Cinderella story (imagine a centaur in glass slippers) before it gathers more steam.

When Trelawney gets fired, even Minerva had Trelawney’s back:

6. Dobby DEF. 11. Kreacher: No doubt Dobby is punishing himself for kicking out a fellow House Elf, probably preheating the oven before he can stuff his ears in it, or whatever else inane things the self-flagellating elf does in his free time.

Poor Kreacher. Here’s Kreacher before Harry started to treat him better:

3. Remus Lupin DEF. 14. Fenrir Greyback: Probably the biggest no brainer of the first round, maybe even more than the Fudge/Potter “match.” One of the most sympathetic, haunted, damaged and heroic characters in all the books…against the evil prick who turned him into a werewolf. Greyback’s a fearsome foe and villain…but he got what was coming here. Some evil bastard votes for Fenrir, but that only happened once, as Lupin very nearly swept his opening opponent, setting up a fascinating Lupin/Dobby duel in the Round of 32.

10. Lily Potter DEF. 7. Horace Slughorn: For a character who exists more in what other people say about her, or what we see in brief flashbacks, it’s incredible the backing Lily Potter has. Of course, it helps that she seems like the perfect human, and saved Harry’s life, saved Snape’s life by caring for him, and essentially cared for everyone. She’s the idyllic Mother, and while she lacks layers like many of the other characters in this bracket, she also has untold upside, after taking out her former Potions teacher and Slug Club host, receiving 72.5% of the vote. Something tells me Slughorn wouldn’t have minded.

Horace Slughorn is an amusing lout, and thanks to his Felix Felicis potion and jaunt with Harry, is one of the comedic highlights of the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. I wouldn’t say he deserved better, since he told Tom Riddle about Horcruxes, but I liked the guy. Here’s how we first met him:

2. Hagrid DEF. 15. Aragog: Hagrid’s likely bawling his eyes out and drinking himself into a stupor for defeating his old pal Aragog, as he got 91.2% of the vote, gliding into the second round against a far more daunting opponent: Lily Potter. Rooting against Lily Potter is like rooting against flowers and happiness and butterflies…but HAGRID, people.

Aragog’s a giant, scary spider…so there’s that. But…

“Farewell, Aragog, king of arachnids, whose long and faithful friendship those who knew you won’t forget! Though your body will decay, your spirit lingers on in the quiet, web-spun places of your forest home. May your many-eyed descendants ever flourish and your human friends find solace for the loss they have sustained.“

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