Today is the 26th birthday of Seven Inches’ founder Andy Greene. I met Andy online probably sometime around him turning 13, so this means I’ve now known him half his life. Which in turn means I know a lot about the guy. So in honor of him turning 26, here are 26 things you might not know about Andy.
1. Andy was born as Eduardo Salsabon Marques on the mean streets of Guananoches in Colombia. His parents were the heirs to rival drug cartels; the whole thing was very Romeo and Juliet. They knew the child of such a forbidden love would never be safe, so they sent him far away to live in the woods of Nepal.
2. There, Andy was raised by a red panda, whose name was Eponine because red pandas are really into Les Miserables. Eponine was a kind but firm mother to Andy and taught him much of the way of the world.
3. A hunter shot Eponine. Andy doesn’t like to talk about that.
4. Andy was on his own a lot after that, and invented an imaginary friend named Baldrick. Baldrick was a bumbling idiot but would do whatever Andy said. Baldrick did wonders for Andy’s self-esteem.
5. Andy moved to Seattle at age 8. Still on his own, he learned to become deadly with a switchblade. After he cut his way through the Emerald City Gang, no one ever bothered him or Baldrick again.
6. Tired of life on the streets, Andy found a suburban family and subjected them to intense psychological warfare until they fully believed he was their own child. It was then that he took the name Andy, naming himself after his favorite member of the Bee Gees.
7. Moving in with the family was the first time Andy had ever seen a real bed. Baldrick still had to sleep outside.
8. At age 14, Andy discovered masturbation. He wasn’t seen again for three years.
9. Andy began cultivating an online persona, founding a message board that was ostensibly a place for people to talk about comic books, but where he actually spent a suspicious amount of time talking about how large his penis was.
10. Andy once took a road trip to Reno, where he shot a man. He told the cops he had done it “just to watch him die,” then expected them to let him go because the whole thing had been such a “clever” reference. He was sentenced to 35 years in prison.
11. Luckily, Baldrick was an expert in prison breaks, and successfully sneaked Andy out through the sewers. Unfortunately, Baldrick was shot and killed as they escaped. Andy did not mourn for him.
12. Bored with life on the west coast, Andy went east to Ithaca College, where he double majored in astrophysics and fashion design.
13. Andy met the original Batman and Robin, Adam West and Burt Ward, but thought they were Robert Redford and Paul Newman. When he shows people the photo below, he still mentions how the Sundance Kid was really cool but Butch Cassidy was a bit of a dick.
14. Today, Andy lives in Los Angeles, where he pursues his dream of finding work as a dry cleaner.
15. Andy’s favorite movie of all-time is Back to the Future 3.
16. Andy’s favorite show ever is Everwood, which he views as far superior to other teen dramas like Dawson’s Creek.
17. Andy has a tattoo on the small of his back of Marlon Brando from On the Waterfront, a film he has never seen.
18. Andy is fully convinced that if you swallow a breath mint whole, it will make your farts smell minty.
19. Andy’s favorite baseball player ever is Jay Buhner. I know, it makes no sense, but it’s true.
20. Andy has never worn a pair of cowboy boots out of fear they will give him an irreversible accent.
21. Andy’s favorite song is ABBA’s “Dancing Queen,” which in fairness, should be everyone’s favorite song.
22. Andy just learned the difference between “you’re” and “your” in 2012.
23. Andy can distinguish between Aquafina water and Dasani water in a blind taste test.
24. Andy thinks he is the reincarnation of Dick Van Dyke, and is not at all deterred by the fact that Van Dyke is still alive.
25. No one has ever given Andy a birthday present he really wanted, including you. You got him shit and you know it. Don’t lie to yourself.
26. Andy sometimes licks buildings. And yes, that means exactly what you think it does.
12 THINGS THAT YOU REALLY DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT ANDY
1. He liked Grumpy and Dopey best but when it was time to pick his first lunch box for kindergarten, he chose Bashful.
2. Andy memorized the batting averages of the entire Mariner roster, but didn’t use a locker for fear he would forget the combination.
3. Andy has a rather amusing collection of novelty boxers; he has been wearing some of them for several years.
4. David is right about Jay Buhner – but then, isn’t Bone everybody’s favorite baseball player?
5. Andy makes lists. Lots of them.
6. Andy can’t operate a stick shift, but he can type 326 words per minute.
7. Halloween costumes, in order of appearance: dragon, tiger, Spiderman (same year as the tiger), the White Ranger, Wolfman, a mummy, Zorro, a headless man, Wolverine, Harry Potter (so who wasn’t that year?) Max of the wild things, Clark Kent, and Burt (not the one with Ernie, though that has potential for a future year). He doesn’t show any signs of giving this holiday up.
8. Andy has flat feet but a well rounded education.
9. Andy’s favorite TNMT was Donatello. I expect he will some day be a sculptor.
10. Andy didn’t wear anything with buttons, snaps, zippers or laces until 3rd grade.
11. Andy’s least favorite president is James Madison.
12. Andy would like to find Chelsea
My goodness, I might not know this guy at all after all. Well done, Mom, if that is your real name.
Your list opens up so many questions:
– Do you have photos of all of those Halloween costumes? More importantly, can you post them?
– So was Andy’s wardrobe entirely velcro til age 8 or so? Were zippers simply too complex for him to crack?
– What’s behind the James Madison hate? Did Andy have to do a traumatizing report on Madison, or has he just never heard of Andrew Jackson, George W. Bush, etc.? Is Andy upset about the War of 1812? Or did Andy take a very strong stance against the Bank of the United States? I bet that was it.
– Sorry for #8 in my post. There’s a 65% chance I wouldn’t have written that if I had known his mom would read it.
We were well aware of his disappearance. But I did not know he went to college, I always thought that was a lie and he had decided to follow his life long dream of joining the harlem globe trotters. I too have some fun facts about our boy.
1 he has never lost a tooth, they are all guarded safely once they leave his mouth.
2 Andy has saved the world twice, both times involved a swordfish and half a keg.
3. Andy helped a women give birth under water, while participating in a surfing competition and he won.
4 as a child andy was bald, he started growing his facial hair at age 13, which he had now developed into an extremely elaborate comb over.
6 he is gooder at math than me
9 hes a smalltown girl, living im a lonely world.
Were proud of you son.