But they all pale in comparison to whatever the hell is going on with History Channel’s forthcoming mini series, Texas Rising, an eight part event chronicling the creation of the Texas Rangers. The promise of a smaller commitment and a closed arc has brought the very best actors to TV, and Texas Rising‘s IMDb page is the crowning achievement of the medium.

What follows is a Power Rankings of the most dynamic, mind-bending, weird casts ever assembled.

18. Sarah Jones

Remember Alcatraz, the much-maligned LOST-y genre show from Bad Robot? That makes two of us! Jones was the plain jane lead, and now has the honor of being Pauline Wykoff, one of like two women in the unsurprising testosterone heavy Texas Rising. She’s so normal compared to her cast mates, that her presence sticks out even more.

Oddly enough (of course odd loses all meaning when you look at this cast), Texas Rising presents the world’s lamest TV show reunion, as Sarah reunites with Joe Egender, who was Ernest Cobb, one of the recurring inmates of Alcatraz. I was probably the first person to ever realize this, and yes, I feel rightfully ashamed.

17. Max Thieriot

Thieriot is most notable for his confusingly spelled last name, and his role as Norman’s older brother Dylan in the incestuous quagmire that is Bates Motel. He also got to be Jennifer Lawrence’s love interest in House at the End of the Street, the horror movie that thankfully most people never associate with J-Law. Best of all, Max played one of the kids in Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier, a movie that people will forever associate with Vin Diesel and it doesn’t matter because at some point after The Chronicles of Riddick, the world began to recognize Fast and the Furious as the greatest franchise of all-time. There’s at least 16 academic theses to be written about Vin Diesel’s fascinating career and the rise, fall and conquest of Fast and Furious. Max Thieriot would blessedly never be mentioned in any of them.

16. Rob Morrow

Rob Morrow might be one of the most boring actors on the planet, a necessary antidote to the crazy he’s acting opposite in Texas Rising. His weird quotient solely comes from being friends with Fisher Stevens and dropping out of The Island of Dr. Moreau, one of the greatest bombs in film history.

Back when TV and movie acting was more heavily delineated, Rob Morrow was probably the poster child for whatever “TV actor” means, thanks to Northern Exposure and Numb3rs, book-ends that made Morrow a near constant TV presence from 1990 to 2010 (there’s like a 10 year movie break in the middle, but that makes the statement less impressive).

Fun fact: He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1992 with Nirvana as the musical guest.

15. Rhys Coiro

Sure, he’s been on Lilyhammer (the most anonymous Netflix show on the planet), A Gifted Man and Hostages, three shows that have never come up in any conversation ever. But he’s also been Billy Walsh, one of the all-time great bad guest stars on a show that functions as a guest star factory: Entourage. Billy Walsh is the worst: he’s a dickhead drug addict director, which is pretty much every one on that show.

14. Cynthia Addai-Robinson

She’s the incomprehensibly evil Amanda Waller on Arrow and was Crixus’ badass love Naevia for the last two seasons of Spartacus. She also was “San Francisco Woman” in Star Trek Into Darkness. Between those three, she can run the convention circuit for the next two decades and most importantly (in the scope of this piece), these roles have led to her career-making role as “The Yellow Rose of Texas,” Emily West.

13. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

This guy’s had a fascinating career, and it’s all come to his crowning achievement: his role as famous frontiersman ‘Deaf’ Smith. Before becoming a maybe household name, JDM was apparently on JAG for seven years, which I think is a better punchline than anything I could write. He was also the inciting incident for the entire Weeds show: he was the Dad who died and left Nancy Botwin to sell dope. His name was Judah, because Jewish.

For a couple years, Jeffrey Dean Morgan had a high-profile, fan-favorite role on two of the buzziest TV shows at the same time: Supernatural and Grey’s Anatomy. It’s almost as if Morgan’s presence on a show adds an infinite number of seasons to its preordained allotment, long after he’s left set. While those shows roll on, interminably and forever, lasting well beyond the natural resources we’ll need to stay alive on this world, Morgan parlayed his popularity (?) into a brief stint as a (comic book) movie star, with roles in Watchmen and The Losers. Because of his nerd cache (read: his willingness to be in comic book movies), most of his work now comes in fancasts and miniseries’ (and STARZ; I guess Magic City was a thing for a couple seasons). He’s going to be Joe DiMaggio in Lifetime’s upcoming The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, which will definitely be on my DVR (read: I don’t have a DVR).

12. Robert Knepper

Look at them boots.

Knepper had apparently been working steadily since 1986 before Prison Break (he was on Murder, She Wrote for three seasons!), but I guarantee you didn’t know that until you saw him as breakout character T-Bag in the show that was every douchebag’s favorite show (admittedly, it had a pretty great first season).

Since then, he’s been creepy everywhere, be it Heroes, Stargate Universe, the Clock King in Arrow and even in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay.

11. Jeff Fahey

I had the impression that before LOST rejuvenated his career, Jeff Fahey was skating by as an occasional guest star known solely for The Lawnmower Man. The guy has 139 credits, and most of those happened before Frank Lapidus entered our lives and made them infinitely better. Since then, however, Fahey’s had more high profile work in Under the Dome, Justified and this hilarious looking Hatfield and McCoys movie starring Christian Slater (who would rank #7 on this list, to give you a reference for how crazy we’re about to get).

For his role on Texas Rising, Fahey had to shave his beard to play political and military leader Thomas Rusk, the first Secretary of War of Texas. I strongly suspect most of his powers come from his beard, so this might be a risky career choice.

10. Chad Michael Murray

On Gilmore Girls, Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill, Chad Michael Murray invented and perfected his own brand of cocky dickface, which is the rough translation of “Chad Michael Murray.”

He somehow actually had more than one layer on Agent Carter (and we’ll get to see more of the cowardly cocky dickface in season 2), but he’ll forever be the guy who had sex with Joey and Jen on the Creek, a claim that can only be staked by one other man (and it’s his fucking creek, yo!). CMM’s the fucking worst. And because he’s so good at being the worst (and reportedly/some girl told me once he’s just like that in real life), he gets a spot in the top ten.

At some point, when I’ve dug myself into a deep dark crevice that I can’t get out of, I’ll create a Chad Michael Murray podcast.

9. Jake Busey

Jake Busey is not only the son of Gary Busey (who has since lost his right to have children) but had the pivotal jerk-rival soldier role in Starship Troopers, a movie that one could argue is the best of all-time.

8. Jeremy Davies

The LOST (and Justified) train continues with the man behind two of TV’s finest creations: rocket scientist Daniel Farady and redneck runt of the family Dickie Bennett. That would be the incomparable Jeremy Davies, who’s been squirrely-quirky since before Saving Private Ryan and Twister.

7. Christopher McDonald

SHOOTER MCGAVIN IS IN THIS SHOW. And he apparently gets an arrow through the shoulder as famous Texan soldier Henry Karnes. I could spend 10,000 words writing about this guy’s IMDb page, but suffice to say he’s voiced Harvey Dent, Jor-El and been on Kim Possible.

Shooter McGavin would react like this if he learned he only placed #7 on this list:

6. Ray Liotta

Yup, that old man with a crazy beard is Ray Liotta. There’s not much else to say beyond that. He kind of looks like he’s auditioning for The Ten Commandments.

5. Thomas Jane

The only time I saw Thomas Jane in person, he had a braided beard, was wearing those weird toed shoes, and was shepherding his kid to a movie he can’t have wanted to see at the Egyptian Theatre. I believe that everyone on Earth has seen this exact same thing, maybe all at the same time, because Thomas Jane is a mystical Native American spirit.

He’s The Punisher. When HBO needed a star with a big dick for Hung, they went to Tom Jane. He’s been Mickey Mantle. Now he’s James Wykoff (wife of Sarah Jones’ character from earlier).

4. Brendan Fraser

In 1999, Brendan Fraser might as well have been Indiana Jones after The Mummy. It was a star-making turn not unlike Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. Then he had a string of bombs that the Gods of Hollywood will sing about long after we’re all dead: Dudley Do-Right, Bedazzled, Monkeybone and Looney Tunes: Back in Action. Jesus. He was also replaced by The Rock in the sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth. We all wish we were replaced by The Rock in something, but Brendan Fraser can actually boast this claim.

Now he’s playing Billy Anderson, a Texas Ranger with Comanche Indian ties. He doesn’t look happy about it:

I hope he turns out to be Star-Lord’s Dad in Guardians 2, or at least, gets another spot on a TV comedy, because he was wonderful in Scrubs. [Insert clever McConaissance-like phrase for Brendan Fraser here]

3. Crispin Glover

Crispin Glover is one of the weirdest humans on the planet, and I just learned that his middle name is Hellion. I love Crispin Glover.

His George McFly is one of the finest cinematic pleasures there is, but until the last couple of years I had no idea he didn’t even play him in Part II or Part III (that was Jeffrey Weissman) because he’s…difficult.

He terrified me in Willard. He was the villain in Charlie’s Angels 2, which says about as much as you need to know about Charlie’s Angels 2. He was in Hot Tub Time Machine, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and Like Mike. Glover was the Knave of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland; Grendel in Beowulf. In other words, Crispin Glover is everything.

Now he’s Moseley Baker, the Speaker of the House of the Alabama House of Representatives, who (SPOILERS) led impeachment proceedings against President Sam Houston while serving in the Congress of the Republic of Texas. Acting is so weird.

2. Kris Kristofferson

Yes, Kris Kristofferson IS not only alive but playing Andrew fucking Jackson. He’s also contributing to the soundtrack, because he’s Kris Kristofferson.

WHISTLER! Is there a more underrated franchise than Wesley Snipes’ Blade? If the MCU doesn’t have Wesley Snipes lurking in the shadows of the MCU’s Hell’s Kitchen during its Netflix crossover megaseries, it’ll be a damn shame.

AND NOW….

1. Bill Paxton

Any clairvoyant would’ve known there’s no other possibility for #1 than the man who-will-be Sam Houston.

Has there been an actor who’s had a more fun career than Bill Paxton? He’s been apart of pretty much every action movie touchstone AND is Dinky Winks in the Spy Kids franchise.

Because of that, there’s no more rightful ruler of this divine Texas Rising cast than Bill Paxton. GAME OVER, man.

Join me May 25th at 9/8c on HISTORY CHANNEL to watch part 1.

You ever see a movie where you think you’re the only one who likes it? That’s the way I felt about Broken Horses. Though apparently I shouldn’t feel so alone. Here’s one of the quotes adorned on its movie poster:

“Beautifully written, acted and imaged. This film wraps slowly around you like a king snake and squeezes.” – James Cameron

I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily any of those things nor would I count Cameron’s approval as comforting, but Broken Horses was mesmerizing in a sense that I never knew what tone the next scene would have. The movie fluctuates from crime drama, melodrama and a surprisingly effective sibling bonding story.

Our story begins “Fifteen Years Earlier,” when we establish that a) Buddy’s dumb and likes to say “bananas” b) Buddy’s a great shot. And c) his Daddy Gabriel (Thomas Jane) is a Sheriff who gets shot in the head. Then the obvious murderer and gang boss Julius Hench (Vincent D’Onofrio, priming me for Daredevil) pays Buddy a visit, and gives him the photo of the man he claims killed his father, and a gun. Buddy does the rest.

Broken Horses is Of Mice and Men, if Lenny and George’s father was murdered, and Lenny was groomed into a killer by a drug gangster, and George abandoned Lenny in the small town from whence they came to become a New York Philharmonic worthy violinist. “Tell me about the ranch,” Jakey says in the opening flashback, and fifteen years later, on the eve of his wedding, Jacob (Anton Yelchin) is dragged by home. Lo and behold, Buddy (Fanboys and Girl Next Door’s Chris Marquette) has bought a beautiful ranch for his brother…on drug money.

Jacob knows something isn’t right, and it isn’t clear if he’s always known and ignored it, and if that’s why he’s avoided going home. But almost immediately, he’s swept into violence and crime. The overarching message of Broken Horses was almost: that it’s really easy to become a devious criminal. But maybe that’s not such a bad theme; in many families and in many towns, crime is the only option, and even Jacob can’t escape. This movie goes places in the first half hour that I would’ve expected to have taken the entire movie. Instead, there was an entire hour left, and I was never sure if that was a good thing.

There’s a bizarre subplot that stands out even in a bizarre movie involving the legless Ignacio (Sean Patrick Flanery of Boondock Saints fame), a tortured man who used to teach Jacob music, if I had to guess. While his character is mostly pointless, Sean Patrick Flanery goes for broke, and that attitude runs throughout Indian filmmaker Vidhu Vino Chopra’s first U.S. film.

There’s exactly one female character in this entire movie: Vittoria (Maria Valverde), Jacob’s fiancé. For the first two acts, she’s on the other end of the phone, Sienna Miller-ing it. But give the movie credit: she’s a treasure when she finally arrives in Dodge, forcing her way into the climax.

For a while I couldn’t tell if Buddy was adorable or awful, but by the end, I was all in on Chris Marquette’s performance, who I had associated as the douchey comedy relief in mediocre comedies. He’s terrific here; I had no idea what was really going on in Broken Horses, but I was always captivated by Buddy’s mannerisms and vocalisms. It was dangerously close to veering into I Am Sam/“full retard”territory, if Sam had the shocking Hulk-like rage that Buddy can summon. Yet he’s also the cutest: as a kid, he saved his first paycheck (a whopping $6; what is this, 1908?) for Jakey to buy a violin. Buddy spends the entire movie excitedly working on a wedding speech that ultimately, we know he’s never going to give.

Amid the extraneous stuff, Broken Horses asks a poignant question: What happens when you’re the oldest sibling who’s supposed to take care of your younger brother, but you’re mentally unable to? The answer is honestly heartbreaking, and that relationship made the rest of the movie worthwhile.

BROKEN HORSES will be opening worldwide this Friday, April 10th. If you find yourself in the LA area, BROKEN HORSES will be playing at the Arclight Hollywood, Cinemark 18, Town Center 5 in Encino, and Edwards Westpark 8 in Orange County. The Arclight Hollywood will have a Q&A for its opening night 8 PM show, featuring stars Anton Yelchin and Chris Marquette.

On the surface, White Bird in a Blizzard is another book turned into a movie that stars Shailene Woodley, the go-to young actress to adapt the lives of several tortured teenagers on paper to the big screen. But, it doesn’t take long to realize Gregg Araki’s film is different.

Somehow (because Hollywood), Shailene Woodley became a young, up and coming actress to someone I was tired of just three years after her breakout role in The Descendants. She’s the star of Divergent, Fault of Our Stars, The Spectacular Now and was Mary Jane Watson in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, yet somehow I still don’t know what I think about her as an actress.

Oftentimes Hollywood crowns its stars too easily or prematurely, or force feeds us actors until their career demands an E! True Hollywood Story. After watching White Bird in a Blizzard with absolutely no preconceived notions (I had never read the book by Laura Kasischke; I didn’t even remember who was in it beyond Woodley), I’m finally ready to embrace the idea of Shailene Woodley, movie star.

As Kat Connor, a freshly boobed high schooler who isn’t getting enough from her stoner boyfriend Phil (Evil Dead’s Shiloh Fernandez), and only enjoys herself when she’s complaining about others, Shailene Woodley is as real, genuine and unlikable as a 17 year old who discovers that her repressed mother just up and disappeared from her life, maybe forever. To many of us, such a moment would be devastating. Instead, Kat just can’t wait to move on and seduce the sexy cop assigned to her Mom’s missing persons case, Detective Scieziesciez (Thomas Jane, meet perfect casting). It was easy, she says to her friends in the mall or the record store or the basement in the small town that never changes, and we start to believe her.

This movie truly plays off the fact that a sex-obsessed adolescent is a wholly unreliable narrator. Kat is as self-absorbed, ignorant, and bored with her life as we all were in high school, and that’s why she’s so blind to what’s been in plain sight all this time. It’s what helps make White Bird in a Blizzard so surprising, so disturbing and so effective.

As I’ve already harped on, the casting in this movie is brilliant. Just imagine Eva Green as a misanthropic housewife, someone who would be jealous of her daughter’s looks, because she’s getting old. This is a woman whose boobs were too hot for a Sin City 2 poster, and that’s precisely why it works so well. Eva Green embodies Eve Connor, the miracle homemaker turned miserable, listless drunk, with a husky voice and a sliver of the possessed version of her Vanessa Ives character in Penny Dreadful, and it’s arguably more terrifying to find her in 1980’s suburbia. Eva Green is as magnetic an actor as there is working today (is there a more interesting one? Envision a movie that costars Green and Adam Driver), and her absence is felt as much as her overwhelming presence in this one. Good thing, too, because Eve Connors disappears in the second scene of White Bird in a Blizzard. Thankfully, she haunts Kat and us in flashbacks throughout the film.

On the other side of the coin, picture the gruff, built Christopher Meloni as a wimpy doormat of a husband (replete with caterpillar mustache), the reason for Eve’s sexual frustrations. It’s hilarious to even consider. White Bird in a Blizzard expertly plays with your expectations with its casting decisions, one of many misdirection tactics skillfully utilized by writer-director Gregg Araki (Mysterious Skin). I haven’t even mentioned the presences of Angela Bassett as a purposefully cliché therapist, Gabourey Sidibe and Mark Indelicato as versions of the romantic comedy “best friend” staple, and Dale Dickey as Phil’s blind mother.

White Bird in a Blizzard is a movie filled with tropes from such varied genres as coming-of-age, romantic comedy, mystery/missing person and the American Beauty school of marital strife. We’ve seen versions of this story several times, but never quite mangled together like this before, which is precisely why I was so captivated, uncomfortable and surprised by this movie. Even its setting, in 1988-1991, filled with hilarious 80’s-isms, were almost a distraction from what was really going on. I went in knowing nothing about the plot of White Bird in a Blizzard, so instead, I relied on my preconceived notions about genre and similarly themed films, which is exactly what Araki and company wanted. The result is a movie that shocked and impressed me, mirroring Kat’s life-shattering and long-awaited realization in White Bird in a Blizzard’s final moments.

Magnolia Pictures will release WHITE BIRD IN A BLIZZARD on OnDemand September 25, 2014 and in theaters October 24, 2014.