Alex Ross, ya’ll.

My good friend David posted a well-reasoned column “What’s so great about high school Spider-Man?” last week, which you should read here before reading this rebuttal because, well, that’s how these things work.

So go do that.

…

OK, welcome back.

And for those of you who can’t follow instructions, I offer you a brief synopsis: David not only doesn’t like the somewhat-recent news that MARVEL and SONY are reportedly going with a 16-year-old version of Peter Parker, he also doesn’t understand the fascination with high-school era Pete (hopefully you gathered that by the title of his column).

Now that you’re ready to see the other side of the coin presented, I must preface my response by saying I agree almost entirely with David’s post.

You’re probably thinking: “Ryan, I don’t think you understand what ‘rebuttal’ means…”

I do! I promise. Hence the “almost,” but David makes a number of points I agree with. I, too, wanted Miles Morales. I also think a college-aged Pete would have been more believable in the existing MCU. I agree that three origin stories (all starting in high school) in roughly a decade is excessive.

And he’s right, you can accomplish all of the same life conflicts by placing him at a university instead of a high school… almost.

Which brings us back to his prevailing inquiry: “What’s so great about high school Spider-Man?”

I’ll begin answering that question by borrowing words from somebody else and taking them out of context (strong start!). Current Amazing Spider-Man scribe Dan Slott recently said in an interview that, “Whichever Spider-Man you care about is the real Spider-Man.”

Some people love Miles Morales. Some people love Miguel O’Hara. Some probably even love Spider-Ham. Surely a good number of fans love the committed Mr. and Mrs. Parker version, while others like to see Spidey sticking his Peter in Felicia Hardy. But what about the general movie-going public? The masses who will flock to see a Spider-Man who belongs in the MCU with the Avengers, who do they want in the costume?

The answer: teenage Spider-Man because, as David quoted me as saying in his post, that is when the character seems to be “at his most magical.”

But why?

For starters, in many people’s eyes, Peter Parker is the quintessential “teen superhero.”

Spider-Man has one of the three most recognizable origins in comic book history, alongside DC juggernauts Batman and Superman. But Spidey has something up his web shooters the other two don’t thanks to his station in life — relatability.

High school Peter has no money. Few friends. Homework. Pimples. Awkward changes to his body. He’s struggling to talk girls and a bullying victim. He has sticky white stuff shooting out of him (In the Ultimate Universe, at least).

I realize David used this in his, too. But it helps prove my point!

Of all the great superhero origin stories, Peter most closely resembles the “everyman.”

Sure, you feel bad for the kid who just lost his planet and his parents and is forced to grow up in rural Kansas, but who can relate to Kal-El when he’s lifting tractors over his head in diapers? And, yeah, you feel for Bruce when his parents are gunned down but very few can relate to the billion-dollar trust fund he inherits. It’s also hard to put yourself in the shoes of  a guy who immerses himself into world-traveling, hyper-obsessive training over the better part of a decade to become the world’s greatest detective and the master of 127 martial arts.

Spider-Man is also the only one of the “Big Three” who becomes a superhero immediately after his tragic event. Spider-Man had to learn what he was doing on the fly (accidental spider pun!).

This tremendous origin has helped Spider-Man defy the odds by overcoming years of sub-par story lines, nearly irreparable continuity and a seriously bloated roster of Spider-Beings.

Surely this wouldn’t seem overwhelming to a newcomer, right?

He is dealing with all of these struggles that we all must endure when he gains his powers. His origin takes place smack dab in the middle of one of the most confusing and trying times we all go through in life.

As much as I agree with David’s sentiment that this will make it hard to believe he belongs with the way-older Avengers in the MCU, you could also argue that it adds an element of youth that is missing from the group.

That time in life is ripe for good stories. And one man saw this and updated it for the modern era, creating one of the most beloved versions of Spider-Man ever: Brian Michael Bendis.

Sure, there are a ton of Bendis haters out there for some of his controversial work on some of MARVEL’s big event comics (House of M, Avengers Disassembled, Age of Ultron, etc., as well as his recent polarizing run on the various X-Men titles) and some of the criticism is certainly earned. But Bendis knocked it out of the park(er) with Ultimate Spider-Man.

This scene kinda gets my point across in a nutshell: Peter tells MJ he’s Spider-Man. It’s powerful, emotional stuff.

When I was reading Ultimate Spider-Man in high school, I just felt it come to life off the pages. As a big comic fan myself, few runs have resonated with me in such a meaningful way.

WARNING: spoilers for a nearly 15-year-old comic incoming!!!

Also, just know that if they do choose to go the Ultimate Spidey route, it offers subject material from which they can draw without treading through the exact same stuff as the first two series: Gwen Stacy is a troubled teen, the symbiotes aren’t of alien origin. Peter’s web shooters are organic, not mechanical. Spidey dies.

It’s entirely Bendis’ world and it’s still going strong, albeit with Miles Morales swinging through NYC.

But why Miles and not Peter now? Because adult Peter lost its magic. So Bendis took the series back to what makes Spider-Man so special — high school. Young, relatable, malleable, fun.

Now just as a support for using the Ultimate Comics as inspiration, I’d like to point you to “The Avengers” film.

If you didn’t know, it closely resembles Mark Millar’s stellar run on The Ultimates. (But as David fairly pointed out to me in a recent conversation, the film benefitted greatly from Joss Whedon’s sense of humor.)

Look at the Wikipedia synopsis of Vol. 1 of The Ultimates: “General Nick Fury of S.H.I.E.L.D. establishes a strike force of government-sponsored metahumans which includes Captain America; scientist couple Henry and Janet Pym (Giant-Man and the Wasp); Bruce Banner (the Hulk) and Tony Stark (Iron Man). Together they are based at the S.H.I.E.L.D facility, the Triskelion. When Banner injects himself with the super-soldier serum and goes on a bloody rampage as the Hulk, he is eventually stopped by the other metahumans with the aid of Thor. The team then join forces with the mutants Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch and agents Hawkeye and Black Widow against the alien shape-shifters the Chitauri, who are defeated.”

Look at that roster: Captain America, Ant-Man, Wasp, Hulk, Iron Man, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver…. sound familiar? Well it should considering every one of them (I’m guessing Evangeline Lily will eventually be Wasp, but that’s a guess) is in the MCU.

Here are a few other tidbits the MCU borrowed from The Ultimates: a black Nick Fury, the Triskelion, S.H.I.E.L.D. establishing the Avengers by way of piecing together a metahuman strike force. Oh and stopping alien invaders named the Chitauri? Yep, check!

The Ultimate universe hasn’t exactly failed on the silver screen. They got to step out from under the weight of decades of main-universe continuity with battle-tested, modern source material to back them up.

Now that there is access to Spider-Man, I could definitely see MARVEL looking back toward the Ultimate universe to breath life back into the franchise in order to spin a different web, as it were, in the third re-telling of Peter’s origin in roughly a decade.

It’s not like the one they just abandoned was going anywhere special (except for maybe the rumored Aunt May spinoff! I wanted it to be “The Aunt-May-zing Spider-Man.”)

Ok, this is exceedingly long at this point. I promise I’m wrapping it up. As Uncle Ben once said, “With great word count, comes great unreadability.”

After the disaster that was Spider-Man 3 or the poorly-executed Amazing Spider-Man 2, this franchise needs a jolt and that will come from belonging to the MCU, not from making him older.

And if those aforementioned duds and a few decades of polarizing continuity decisions in the comics (second Clone Saga, Sins Past, One More Day, etc.) have taught us anything, maybe it’s that the question really is: “What’s so special about Spider-Man after high school?”

The defense rests.

Chris Hardwick is the moderator for Deliver Us From Evil, which makes me so erect for Comic-Con, and honestly, automatically makes this panel a must-watch. He’s the best moderator in the business.

Director Scott Derrickson (Sinister, Exorcism of Emily Rose) is brought to the stage. We quickly learn that Scott and Olivia Munn did a beer chugging challenge backstage…and Scott won. This happened 30 seconds ago. Dayum, I’m so jealous.

Then we get to see a clip, which is essentially a 5 and a half minute trailer, with material that mostly has not been shown anywhere. Scott says it’s a good representation of the movie. The film is based on the life of Ralph Sarchie, an undercover police sergeant who worked in the most dangerous square mile in America, and then became embroiled in the supernatural. The book upon which the film is based can be found here.

The clip is very Sinister and Blumhouse Productions-y. The highlight is definitely a horrifying owl stuffed animal that moves of its own accord (above). Because owls are terrifying/awesome. Afterwards, we’re introduced to the guests, and boy, this panel has some of the best guests of any all weekend. First there’s super producer Jerry Bruckheimer (okay whatever), THEN Joel McHale, Olivia Munn, Edgar Ramirez and Eric Bana. YES. All of the Yesses.

The panel immediately gets off on the right/wrong foot, when a guy yells that he loves Olivia Munn, to which she quickly responds: “I don’t know you.” Hardwick mentions that she could totally hook up with that guy. Munn says she’s down, but asks: “How big is it?” Then she asks how big Chris Hardwick’s dick is. This panel is gonna rule, because Olivia has just chugged a beer, and everyone is on comedic point.

How did they get involved with the film?

Eric Bana was introduced to the film by the script, and he loved it, and wanted to play Ralph Sarchie, no matter what the genre.

Chris Hardwick is superstitious: “If I’m in a devil possession movie, I feel like I’ll be possessed by the devil.” Did that notion scare Eric Bana? Eric was a skeptic to start, which was handy while filming. Then Scott and Sarchie gave Eric some terrifying footage, that apparently scared him for weeks, which in turn, also helped shooting the movie.

Edgar Ramirez plays a priest who’s based on two real people. Edgar was raised Catholic, and familiar with the symbolism in the movie. He watched The Exorcist as an accident when he was six years old, and had to sleep with the lights on for the next two years. Now his lights are on again since they made Deliver Us From Evil. For him, it was like facing those fears from his childhood.

Hardwick loves the idea that if the lights are on, the devil will shy away…Like, oh no, it’s not worth it, a hilarious observation. The lights won’t stop the devil, children.

Why did Olivia Munn get involved, and what’s her character’s deal? Again, she’s ready for a joke (that might not be a joke): “The only reason I signed onto the movie” was to play Eric’s wife. She’s a “believer,” (not a trace, or doubt in my mind) but that wasn’t the important part of it to her. For Olivia, it was to create a nice and inviting home base to show what Sarchie has to lose.

Chris asks the panel if there are light moments between takes, or if they’re serious on set because it’s a horror flick. Olivia quickly responds that there are fluffy moments, as “we have a lot of comedic actors in this film, but not Joel.” To which Joel agreed resolutely/hilariously. Then Eric told Olivia that he saw this illustrious evil footage, and couldn’t sleep for three weeks. That put a damper on things. Eric didn’t want Olivia to see it, so she of course had to, and couldn’t get through it. She cried while watching it. Now WE ALL WANT TO SEE IT.

But apparently you can’t find footage online (“What do you mean it’s not on YouTube?”). Munn: “The internet will let you down, but Scott won’t.”

The conversation drifts to…Joel McHale and #sixseasonsandamovie. “I play Jeff Winger in this movie,” McHale jokes. His character is “very concerned about his uniform the entire time.” Amazing. We learn that Joel has been friends with Scott for a long time, and that he took pity on me, and wrote this role with “me in mind” (“pedophile”). Apparently Joel has a large knife collection, and so does his character in the movie. Olivia asks if that’s legit. “Yeah, come over.” Joel’s character, Butler, isn’t a nice man. It’ll be exciting to see different shades of Joel McHale on screen.

For the role, Joel learned a deadly version of Filipino knife fighting, which Joel McHale likens to a “type of murder.” Chris Hardwick and Joel McHale on a panel together…is the best.

The subject of playing a real person comes up. Eric spent a lot of time with Ralph Sarchie, though he didn’t have a choice. Sarchie was there from day 1, even around for the table reads, before Eric even had developed an accent. Ralph gave Eric a note the first day, and Eric told him not to pay any attention to him that night, and Sarchie took it in stride. From there, they became friends. There were some times when Sarchie wouldn’t come, because he didn’t want to see what they were filming that day (because his acting was so bad, Bana jokes). Eric had a thousand questions to ask Sarchie, but this time around, he shut his mouth and just listened to him, and saw other cops dealt with him. It was better to observe than pepper him with questions.

Edgar is also bringing a real person to life, though he didn’t have access to them, like Eric did. Edgar is always philosophical, so he said: “You can’t imitate life,” and their job is to recreate it.

Fan question time!

Has Scott ever witnessed a real-life exorcism?
No, he’s seen a ton of footage and talked with people who have had experiences, but he’s never seen one in real life, and “I don’t particularly want to.”

Does Ralph Sarchie have a cameo in the movie?
Scott lobbied for it, but Sarchie absolutely refused. “Ralph’s a very complicated guy. There was something about it that seemed like it’d be ego driven. I think he wanted to do it” so because of that, Sarchie made sure that he didn’t. Ralph’s apparently doing really well with becoming a movie character. Scott is appreciative that he’s letting them do what they’ve done. Sarchie also helped make sure that the police were properly represented in the film, so he was on set for practical reasons. He did a great job of not getting in the way of the creative process.

Dick size is brought up again. Munn jokes that Jerry Bruckheimer won’t bring them anywhere again.

Joel is asked if he’s trying to step more into films, and dramas. Comedy brought him access to the business, but he used to play different roles, and he’s “over the moon about the opportunity and thrilled by the character.” McHale calls it the best time he’s ever had acting. Scott was one of the first friends Joel made when he moved from Seattle to Hollywood, and now their families are friends.

Creepily enough, Scott Derrickson knows a test question designed by the FBI to identify serial killers, and Scott has asked 45 different people…and Joel is the only person to answer it correctly. Eerie.

This blew my mind: Eric Bana was known in Australia for his comic chops, working as a stand up comedian and hosting his own sketch show. Eric doesn’t miss stand up (he’s too lazy nowadays), but misses sketch comedy, because that part of your brain never goes away, even if it’s been over a dozen years ago since he did it. Get this guy on SNL and Funnyordie. Scott reveals that he has a 7-8 minute improv reel of Eric and Joel driving in a car…and this NEEDS TO EXIST AND BE ONLINE RIGHT THIS MOMENT. It’ll be in the damn trending spot on FB in minutes.

Will Joel do a spoof of Deliver Us From Evil on The Soup? It’d be up to the cast, he responds, to which Olivia Munn immediately states: “I’m busy.” And that’s that, even if it was a joke.

Do they ever get stressed working together? “I am delightful,” Olivia Munn says. And we all believe her. Apparently they all get along, and sometimes that isn’t the case on a movie set, which is the least surprising nugget of information I “uncovered” this week. They managed to rise above the grueling weather and conditions, thanks to their chemistry.

Hardwick asks Bruckheimer a question, because he might fall asleep: How do you know when you have right mix? “You don’t, and I’ve been doing it for forty years.” Thanks Jerry.

How did the crazy/scary footage change their beliefs, if any?
Eric doesn’t care where it comes from, but he witnessed people going through real suffering, and that’s what scared and moved him. Olivia was raised Christian, but something in 2010 caused her not to believe anymore. After she saw the videos, this made her have questions, and she visited a Long Island medium. Now she’s a believer, after seeing this different kind of otherworldly suffering.

How much of the movie uses practical FX as opposed to CGI?
Scott tries to make it real whenever possible, because if it’s real, it’ll look better. No $#*@. It’s not a heavy CG movie, and relies more on the story and characters, which is nice, but also what every director should say. Scott says that British actor Sean Harris was the conduit for the movie, like Jennifer Carpenter in Emily Rose. I couldn’t really tell you what that means, but it sounded interesting.

How does being in a horror movie affect you? What did you take away from the film? 

Scott: His own growth as a filmmaker; the DP pushed him to learn new ways of lighting and other techniques, and took note of the unrelenting will that Jerry Bruckheimer has to make things better.

Bana: It’s a big and complicated subject, and awesome dinner party conversation.

Ramirez: Insert something soulful here about helping people.

Munn: Her Long Island medium.

McHale: To work with his best friend Scott and to see him work and be his element. Most of his scenes are with Eric, and he’s a true movie star, and “to look like him and be able to act…” makes me hate him. He also learned how awesome Jerry Bruckheimer’s hair is, because that needed to be said. Thank you Joel, and thank you for one of the most entertaining panels of WonderCon. If you can judge a movie by the back and forth between its cast…then Deliver Us From Evil will be a good one.

It’s coming July 2nd, 2014. Ralph Sarchie’s book is on Amazon, and so is pastor Don Basham’s.