This past summer I was granted the opportunity to cover a few panels at the TCA’s, the Television Critics Association’s never-ending trolley of gift bags, unhealthy food and forced awkward panels discussing the new and old shows coming this fall: The Muppets! The Walking Dead Grey’s Anatomy! Tyra Banks’ Fab Life, a new talk show that is going to get us to embrace yellow as the in color and undoubtedly will change talk shows forever.

I could’ve muscled my way into joining the media hordes interviewing Ron Perlman, Chuck Bass, Viola Davis or Jeffrey Tambor.

Instead, I met Pacey, the only dude in the circle of press surrounding star Joshua Jackson after he absolutely stole The Affair panel. That’s not easy to do when you’re sharing the stage with Dominic West, America’s sweetheart Maura Tierney and Golden Globe winning actress Ruth Wilson for the Golden Globe winning drama from creator Sarah Treem, but Jackson was clearly at his most comfortable answering the questions of the story hungry press. It’s as if he’s been doing it for more than twenty years (get ready to feel old: The Mighty Ducks came out in 1992).

I may have watched The Affair anyways, but I certainly made it a priority last year because it starred Jackson as Cole, a dark and mysterious rancher embroiled in this sorrowful saga of adultery. The Affair is painful, gripping and tedious. Its whole premise is in the margin of anachronisms, so perhaps it’s not surprising that it somehow makes a trip to the Hamptons for some good old-fashioned wife betraying seem new, thanks to the multiple perspective conceit of the show. We see the same dreadful vacation unfold from the eyes of the two lovers, Noah (West) and Alison (Wilson). Jackson’s character, Cole, is Alison’s husband, and one of many casualties in Noah and Alison’s courtship. But it’s clear he’s been broken and incapable of connecting with Alison since the loss of their son. Nothing we see of Cole from either POV is flattering: he’s a liar, maybe a criminal, possibly a rapist, and certainly angry, jealous and screwed up well before Noah’s family visits the Hamptons. But this comes from the lens of Noah and Alison. Who is Cole, really?

What makes season 2 of The Affair so exciting is that in addition to Noah and Alison’s POV’s this year, we get to see the story from Helen (Tierney, ever the unsung hero) and Cole’s perspectives. That means more Josh Jackson.

After talking with him at the TCA’s about the difficulties of The Affair and its premise, his parent’s divorce and his growing role on the show, that’s clearly a good thing. Then again, I’m not exactly an unbiased narrator.

“We all want to follow our narrator, our hero, right? It is really really unusual for a television show, a play, a film, it doesn’t matter, for any piece of entertainment, to not present you with that truth so that you can attach yourself to that story and feel good, or bad or whatever you’re supposed to feel as you go along with it. But that is the central purpose of our show,” Jackson said.

This conceit seemed to ruffle many critics and audience members, unused to the format. But to Jackson, that’s the whole point.

“We all laugh about it, because everybody’s who been in a relationship has had that moment. ‘Honey, that’s not what happened.’ I said this, no you said that, you know? The essential truth of the show is the idea that you’re only living your own story. You can share it as much as possible, but ultimately we’re all individuals stuck inside of our own perspective. That to me is real. Everybody has dealt with that. I understand the discomfort of not having an objective narrator, the god’s eye view or the single specific character you’re following that is the truth of the show…but to me, there’s nothing about the format of mis-recollection that is all that far out there. Because we all live that, in ways large and small. I can tell you, in my household, it comes up all the time.”

It also rings true with his upbringing, being the child of what he describes as an ugly divorce.

“Here’s an empirical event. My parents are divorced. If you talk to my Mom and you talk to my Dad, about what led up to that event, how that happened, the fallout of it, it’s two wildly different stories, even though the empirical event was the same. There can be things that are empirically true, but even your recollection of that empirical event can be completely, totally different.”

These fractured stories of the same event, and Jackson’s own viewpoint is what sold him on the show in the first place.

“I caught myself having a biased moment. There’s a lot of gender politics that go into the reason why Noah’s perspective is first. We have a tendency, sorry ladies, to find men more credible than women. [creator] Sarah’s not dumb, she knows that, so she was playing against our own biases, to put the man first. Okay that must be the truth, and now we show the woman second. Certainly for me, she got me immediately. The first scene where there was a divergence between the two stories, my instinctual reaction was, ‘Why is she lying about this?’ And I think that’s brilliant. That’s what got me hooked.”

It also makes the actors a little crazy.

“Because we get into these logic loops, and honestly we spend an inordinate amount of time on set, being like, ‘Okay, so we’ve been together for 16 years, we lost a child. But you just had this horrible thing with my mother, so you’d be kind of pissed off at me. And I would be coming from the place that I was, so you would remember that I was in that place, but my mother’s thing would have definitely informed how you were feeling in this moment, so maybe we’d see this…’ It’s unending.”

So is the show’s dreary atmosphere. One thing that stands out in The Affair’s promos is how haggard Cole looks.

“He’s gone through an obviously pretty bad time. But I loved being able to, finally, this guy who’s been brood-ish and emotionally distant, certainly from Noah’s side, and even on Allison’s side frankly, the place that they are in their relationship, she’s not really seeing a whole or emotionally capable man there. And to see that guy who is the broad shouldered guy who takes care of stuff with confidence, to see him in a place in his life where he’s just undone and how he sees himself: like a failure, and as this sort of useless human. He has no purpose; he has no meaning for being. We find him in 2, and suddenly we see this guy who is riddled with insecurities in a way that I don’t think we ever saw in the first season.”

Clearly, The Affair is going to be another barrel of laughs when it picks things back up.

“There’s a weakness to him. You saw a little bit of the break at the end of last year, in the finale; that was a totally different guy than we had seen before. But you’d never really seen him honestly just be ruined. He’s the type of character: ‘I’m going to do this and I’m going to do that. This is the right way. This is how we take care of things and this is how we keep up appearances in the town,’ and I think in season 2 it’s interesting to see inside that guy’s life and how he feels totally eaten up by insecurity, fear and doubt in a way that we never saw in the first season. He’s in a bad place this season.”

Is anyone really happy in the Hamptons? Thankfully, at the end of episode 2, there’s a scene between Cole and Alison that changes the direction of his character.

“I think it’s the first moment where he allows himself to sort of step back into being alive. So what happens? Everything in your life has been wiped out. Your family’s gone, your wife is gone, your child is gone. Your sense of self is completely annihilated. So he has to start figuring out who he is, what it means to be a man. Who is Cole going to be post-all of that? And in a way that I find is very true, it’s certainly been true in my life, a woman is the best way to do that. He meets this woman, and without all of the baggage of his entire life, he can start entering into a relationship with somebody that’s about his current self as opposed to everything that has come up. She’s what brings him back into the world.”

The Affair is what has brought Joshua Jackson back onto our TVs, and come Sunday October 4 at 10 PM (or now with the above video), we’ll get to see a lot more of Pacey in the award-winning drama.

Still to come: NCIS: New Orleans (CBS), Gracepoint (FOX), The Kingdom (DirecTV), Cristela (ABC), The Walking Dead (AMC), Jane the Virgin (CBS), Marry Me (NBC), Grimm (NBC) and The McCarthys (CBS).

33. The Mysteries of Laura (NBC)

A bigger mystery to me than Laura (or even Laura), is why Debra Messing keeps getting leading roles in TV shows. Or rather, how she picked this one, and who thought the Will & Grace and Smash star was a good fit for a brusque, “badass” awful woman cop show. In the opening moments, we learn that she has a black partner who won’t hesitate to cover her “skinny ass,” and that Detective Laura Diamond (a TV name if I’ve ever heard one) is a morose, protocol-be-damned police woman who can’t help but wonder if anybody has jobs, because HOW DARE people hang out in the park on a sunny afternoon. With its ratings already dropping, I wonder if she will have a job much longer.

Hopefully, it’d rid the world of NBC’s “Woman Crush Weddings,” which apparently is lifted from #WCW, a mind-numbing Twitter hashtag. I’m going to start one: #girlsIwanttofuck. NBC’s Wednesday night block is made up of three grimly serious cops shows (Law & Order: SVU and Chicago P.D. round out the triumvirate), so naturally the marketing campaign devolved into relying on Sophia Bush, Debra Messing and Mariska Hargitay’s considerable sex appeal, rather than being tough workplace role models or whatever.

Laura drives a Volvo, shops at Target and comes equipped with an inspired catchphrase (“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”), deplorable parenting skills and an insulting almost ex-husband Jake (Josh Lucas, never worse) who just can’t bring himself to sign the papers, a family dynamic that sets TV back 43 years. She drugs her children for a private school interview (God forbid these tyrants go to public), and blackmailed a gym teacher with a lot of parking tickets to even get them that interview. Laura actually says, “I’m a mother, with a shiny badge, a loaded gun and very little patience.” There’s the logline that sold the pitch! I think she said that on school grounds, but I could just be imagining that specific horror. It’s like a future Melissa McCarthy movie, except Mysteries of Laura takes itself seriously. You shouldn’t.

Favorite Moments From The Pilot:

1) When Laura Diamond makes a house call, a rich housewife bats her eyelashes; heh, you’re cute, you’re a “middle-aged woman cop…just like on TV!” Mysteries of Laura thinks its clever. Just like pilot director McG probably thinks his name makes people think of anything other than a Happy Meal with explosions.

2) Laura calls men sloppy derisively. The frame widens to find Black Partner spilling popcorn all over the place. Hypocrite alert: Laura’s a slob who eats week old burritos she finds hidden among the piles of crap on her desk.

3) Laura’s kids actually deserve to be drugged and/or murdered. They pee on each other in public and just might be insane. Best of all is when Laura gets called into school, her gun automatically out (you don’t want to go into an elementary school unarmed) and there appears to be BLOOD all over the classroom. But no, it’s just her messy children taking over art class, or whatever. Because bloody classrooms are the best setup for a joke.

The pilot has one pleasure: a mini-Galaxy Quest reunion! Quellek (Patrick Breen) has aged into what appears to be a gay Peter Capaldi, and joins his former Thermian leader Mathesar (the incomparable Enrico Colantoni). The pleasure wears off pretty fast when you realize it had to come on this show. Plus, Quellek gets killed off pretty fast (perhaps fitting), and unfortunately, Alan Rickman does not come prancing in, promising that, By Grabthar’s Hammer, he shall be avenged. Even that probably couldn’t save this show.

32. Z Nation (SyFy)

Oh man, this show is so crummy guys (CRUMMY). It’s close to becoming the designated Drinking Game Show of the week, but I don’t know if the show knows how bad it is yet, and I don’t care enough to find out. And I don’t foresee a shortage of drinking in my future.

It’s SyFy’s answer/rip-off of The Walking Dead, set three years after the first infection. You know how screwed the world would be if a zombie apocalypse happened? DJ Qualls, yes that DJ Qualls, would be military. He practically is a DJ here, living up to his name, with “season tickets to the zompocalypse,” working alone at Camp Northern Light, or something. Even in a dystopia, nobody wants to hang out with DJ Qualls. Qualls is late to evacuate the base, and they leave without him; they immediately fly to their deaths. They’d rather die than hang out with DJ Qualls. I’d rather watch almost anything else than Z Nation.

Z Nation is filled with more nonsensical, military BS talk than the “Z’s” themselves (what a clever term for zombies). The world-saving mission that the surviving dregs of the military are on is called “Operation Bitemark.” Seriously. Most of the tomfoolery is uttered by DJ Qualls, rendering any call sign or operation name about as meaningful as a Bluth family mission. I’d take Operation Hot Mother any day, but I’m a Motherboy.

Speaking of children, there’s also a zombie baby stuffed amid a mission to the CDC, a possible zombie cure, and essentially all four seasons of TWD jammed in an hour. For those who bemoan the AMC show’s deliberate pace, Z Nation provides a terrifyingly awful counter argument. There are several deaths, time jumps and tragedies that befall this boring cast of stock characters, but there’s never a reason to give a shit. We need to care about these people before it matters when they die. Of course, Z Nation is a show where you’re definitely rooting for the zombies to tear into these people so we don’t have to waste any more time on them. The more they kill, the closer to the end of the world, and hopefully, the end of this show.

Favorite Moments:

• “He’s a baby. He makes noise.” “Shut up.”
• LOST refugee Harold Perrinau’s Hammond at one point sighs, “God I hate moral dilemmas.” SyFy has a moral dilemma on whether or not they should keep this show on the air.
• Fantastic zombie rules: “A month ago? That’s like 2 years apocalypse time.”

I actually did like the idea of a pop-up weapons caravan that sells various guns, knives, bullets and other hairy concoctions. I also enjoyed the conceit that the zombie’s speed depends on how long they’ve been dead: they’re fast immediately after, then slow as time goes on. This doesn’t explain why a baby turns into a devastating ferret-like monster once bitten, since zombism presumably doesn’t make you faster. Or so one would think. But there’s not a lot of thought put into Z Nation.

31. Forever (ABC)

Ioan Gruffudd might be the most boring actor on the planet, yet he keeps landing TV roles, his career seemingly as immortal as his title character in this dull show.

At one point during this derivative pilot, Henry (Gruffudd) explains to us in a droll monologue: “My life is just like yours, except for one small difference…it never ends.”

I live forever, no biggie guys. I’m just like you. You can empathize me, relate to my suffering. WHAT THE FUCK?! If an immortal prick tried to befriend me, the injustice would be that I couldn’t friggin’ kill him. My life is just likes yours, except I’m Brad Pitt. My life is just like yours, except I own an island. My life is just like yours, except I’m the orphan of a now extinct alien race.

Henry has “seen a lot,” but hasn’t learn shit about life or his condition over the last 200 years of his life. He just knows that when he dies, he wakes up in the nearest body of water naked, not a scratch on him. He’s Ichabod Crane/Sherlock Holmes without the charm or quirks. He’s understandably obsessed with death, so he works at a morgue along with Joel David Moore (Bones, Avatar), who has been neurotic and awkward as long as this show’s title (For-Ev-Er).

In the opening scene Henry’s the only survivor of a massive subway accident, and even before he gets a cryptic villainous phone call, I was having Unbreakable flashbacks. While it’s not exactly Mr. Glass on the other end, there’s someone else like him out there, and they’re about to engage in a Sherlock/Moriarty battle, with New York as the playground. Or something.

What’s depressing about Forever, or at least, a few of the things that make me depressed, is that the wacky premise is just an excuse to throw Henry into a police procedural opposite Detective Jo Martinez (Alana De La Garza), a woman who escaped Woman Crush Wednesdays, and after one case, gets to bring Henry along during investigations until this show gets cancelled. This job tag-along crap is one of my favorite procedural tropes; if there’s ever a murder involving fantasy football, Red Pandas and IPA’s, I might walk away with a job.

Henry’s lifespan and accumulated knowledge only manifests itself in his keen observational skills. He’s another Psych, Mentalist, Sherlock character, because the public loves seeing assholes who can figure out that you’re allergic to coconuts, have 3 cats, like anal sex and are still emotionally recovering from the death of your postman. Women also love men who pay attention, so Henry’s a ladies man. Throw in a little bit o’ Nazi backstory, and you have Forever, a show I’ll be watching…

Never. Never again, anyways. Unless the Moriarty character is played by Alan Rickman.

30. Manhattan Love Story (ABC)

“I want to write a love story set in Manhattan.”

“Oh my god, what a revolutionary idea, and even better, it already has a ready-made, totally informative, awesome title!”

“Love Story Set In Manhattan? Sounds awkward.”

“Manhattan Love Story, silly.”

“OMG, you’re right.”

A studio exec leans over the coffee table, spilling their mimosa. “Excuse me, did you say Manhattan Love Story? We’ll BUY IT!”

Manhattan Love Story sounds like a vague place holder title a writer would have on his To-Do list, or the barebones plot description of this mostly dreadful pilot. But, I suppose it tells you all you need to know: not to watch it.

In the nightmarish opening moments, Peter (Jake McDorman) walks down the New York street, debating whether or not he’d have sex with the women along his path. Coming from the opposite direction is Dana (Analeigh Tipton), who’s doing the same thing…with purses (she’s debating whether she’d own them, not fuck them, I think). When they pass one another, they both essentially say “Yes” to each other, and this is their unfortunate story.

Neurotic, single and “adorkable” Dana just moved to New York because of a new job. Of course, that’s not really important. What’s important is that she’s single and needs a boy, or so sayeth her evil, manipulative, yoga instructor friend/roommate Amy (Jade Catta-Preta), a character type that only exists on shitty sitcoms.

Amy’s that girl who always has to be in control, forcing her husband-or-whatever David (Nicolas Wright) to enlist his brother, who of course is Peter, to go on a date with Dana. You don’t need me to tell you that it goes terribly. Dana is a klutz with technology/everything, accidentally typing Peter Cooper into her Facebook status (a clever joke mined in Trophy Wife last year). She also calls instead of texts, and does the unbearably painful accidental text ABOUT Peter TO Peter (okay, so I’ve been there). Dana’s a mess, guys.

Whereas Peter is a ladies man who sees women as trophies, which makes sense, because he works for a company that makes trophies, a business that is BOOMING, because America loves to reward everything, not just first place, in order to celebrate mediocrity. You could say the same about Manhattan Love Story and network television, though that might be mistaken for a compliment.

Dana cries on her date, Peter makes fun of her cute list of things she wants to do in NY, and the pair have an awful, dueling stream of consciousness monologue happening in their respective heads at all times. It’s a conceit that might’ve been wonderful on How I Met Your Mother, but here, it emphasizes how little you actually want to hear these characters talk.

Peter and Dana, of course, make up, and have a moment en route to the Statue of Liberty, one of the things on Dana’s list. It’s clear the two of them will have a bumpy road, and I suppose that’s the flimsy hook of the pilot: what touristy things are these mismatched heathens going to do next in the most overseen city in America? Perhaps more importantly: will Dana conquer social media? Judging by the final moments, when she has an embarrassing encounter with her FB relationship status (a joke that would’ve felt biting in 2006), the outlook is about as bleak as this show’s prospects. The show probably won’t last, which is almost a shame, because then my spec script Toledo Love Story won’t get off the ground.

29. Bad Judge (NBC)

You’ll hate this show by the opening frame: Kate Walsh, passed out in an impossible position, wearing a leopard print bra, and shimmery sequin underwear, is jolted awake by the omnipresent alarm clock. She’s late to work, and has to pop pills incessantly to get there in time, driving an insane hippie van en route to Van Nuys Municipal Court, while awaiting the results of her pregnancy test. It’s a testament to how lame this show is, that I feel bad that Van Nuys has the unfortunate duty of taking the brunt of the setting, and Van Nuys is the cesspool of the valley.

Kate Walsh plays Judge Rebecca Wright, and she’s actually not as Bad as you think she is: she’s a slutty, messy alcoholic, sure, but she shows up, and goes well beyond her job description when it comes to helping out Robby (Theodore Barnes), a kid whose parents are in jail because Rebecca put them there. As Judge Hernandez states, “You’re a Judge, not a social worker!” but who really cares? Rebecca may have had wine and cake for breakfast, or so she says, and we’re supposed to revel in how screwed up she is, but she mostly just talks about how bad she is, than actually being bad. She saves Robby from bullies and juvie, makes a nice speech at some boring gala and has friends at the Court, while seeing through the inherent bullshit of Douglas Riller (the normally fantastic Chris Parnell), who’s on trial for having two families or something.

The show also stars Ryan Hansen (Party Down) as Gary, one of Rebecca Wright’s many hook-ups (they have sex in her chambers!). After Gary Busey, he’s her favorite Gary, clearly the one that’s supposed to stick (for the four episodes that this show will last). I think Gary Busey could make a more coherent sitcom than Bad Judge.

Bad TeacherJudge was envisioned as a female Eastbound & Down, with Adam McKay and Will Ferrell trying to spice up a show…created by Anne Heche (THE Anne Heche). What remains is a show that doesn’t know what it is, stumbling out of the gates drunkenly in high heels. Its pilot starts abruptly; I felt like I had a hangover similarly potent to Rebecca’s, not the kind of feeling I want when watching TV.

I expected to despise Bad Judge, but instead, due to its limp existence, found myself completely emotionless. Bad Judge not only lacks laughs, but a pulse. There’s some inkling of a Bad Santa-like relationship between Rebecca and Robby, and it certainly was the most tolerable part about the pilot, but to call it disjointed from the rest of the proceedings is an understatement. It didn’t mesh at all with what the show is supposed to be. Of course, I don’t know if NBC has any idea what Bad Judge is supposed to be, and I’m not going to bother finding out.

Tone Bell (…Whitney), who plays Tedward Mulray (really?), the court security officer and pigeonholed black character, remarks: “2014 is a trip.” Excuse the poor writing (it’s not like Bad Judge sets a high bar), but 2014’s Fall TV is a (bad) trip.

28. Mulaney (FOX)

Saturday Night Live writer-performer and stand-up comedian John Mulaney is talented, likable and a star seemingly perfectly suited for a TV show.

But something has gone horribly wrong with Mulaney. I was told by someone I reasonably trust that Mulaney was originally intended as a meta-sitcom hoping to lampoon the very nature of sitcoms themselves. Instead, what came out is exactly the kind of show that John Mulaney would most certainly revel in making fun of. It’s a crappy, cliche sitcom, one so bewildering and unfortunate, that I’m at a loss of what the hell I just watched.

In the show, Mulaney is a struggling stand-up comedian and writer, nervous for an interview with the pompous TV personality Lou Cannon (Martin “Life’s Too” Short “To Be Wasting His Time On This”). He, of course, gets the job, but it’s a mixed blessing because Lou sucks. While Mulaney struggles with his “dream job,” fellow comic Motif (Seaton Smith) finds himself in the zeitgeist with a new hip joke, “Problem Bitch.” Even if it doesn’t have an ending. He has an 18 hour window to come up with one, until the audience realizes they’re “laughing at nothing.” It’ll take you far less time to realize you’re doing the same thing while watching Mulaney, even with the live studio audience somehow churning out a laugh track.

Whenever I create the League of Extraordinarily Awful TV Characters, pretty much everyone on this show will compete for a spot on the hotly contested roster. Jane (Nasim Pedrad) argues convincingly that definitions of “crazy” for men and women mean entirely different things, but she justifies every bad thing a man has thought about a “crazy” woman in this episode. She’s going through a break up, so she breaks into the guy’s emails, stalks him, uprooting flowers that she planted at his apartment. She actually is INSANE. Hilarious. Andre (Zack Pearlman) is the douchiest drug dealer you could come up with, inspiring a Newman-like hatred from Mulaney and the rest of his friends. And that’s the point; the parallels between Mulaney and Seinfeld are obvious. Each episode starts up with Mulaney’s stand up, and he plays a version of himself alongside larger-than-life sitcom characters who “enliven” every scene with big entrances.

The whole show is trying too hard; John Mulaney and company seem so desperate to please, that each tired situation and joke nearly causes physical pain. Everyone is mugging for the camera as if they’re attention starved extras. It’s like watching an ill-advised sketch that isn’t working…that runs for 22 minutes. This show has Martin Short and Elliott Gould, two all-time greats. It can’t be this dire, can it?

Motif’s “joke” boils down to this: “If you don’t know the problem, you’re the problem bitch.” FOX makes an easy target as the problem bitch for a show with so many of them, but I don’t think anyone is innocent. Everyone involved with the show is the problem, bitch.

27 & 26. A to Z (NBC)/Selfie (ABC)

Both of these are grouped together for many reasons. One is so I don’t have to waste the time writing two separate entries, but mostly it’s because both shows are misguided, mostly repugnant sitcoms, wasting the efforts of truly likable people. It’s also because I watched them on the same day, about a month ago, and have blissfully forgotten most of that experience.

How does a show with Karen Gillan and John Cho elicit so much hatred? Because they happen to be in a show called Selfie. It’s an abhorrent title that has no defense, but we as a society deserve at least some of the blame for enabling a studio to even consider this a smart idea. There’s an inherent hypocrisy that “Selfie” is getting such a bad rap for a name, when almost every single one of us are taking selfies whenever possible. But at least we’re not making a TV show about it, you rightfully counter.

The title isn’t the only problem with Selfie, unfortunately. Its first half is as bad and cringe-worthy as you expect a show called Selfie to be, with Karen Gillan slutting it up and bravely becoming the world’s worst human, consumed with likes and follows, with no notion of how to be an actual person. She is the Black Hole of Suck that embodies all that’s wrong with social media. Enter John Cho, as her life coach and I’m sure her eventual love interest, except the show won’t last long enough to get there. It’s a testament to Gillan and Cho’s talents that they can SOMEHOW make the show watchable in the second half, when Gillan’s Eliza Dooley becomes less like a terrifying caricature and a living manifestation of nails on a chalkboard, and someone who just barely avoids deserving a punch in the mouth from every person she meets. It’s actually a mild miracle that could portend a dramatic turnaround a la Cougar Town, but I doubt it.

Sidenote: Is John Cho on a mission to star in every TV show on air? He had Go On, a recurring role on Sleepy Hollow, this mess, and a cush voice gig on American Dad! I guess he figures he needs about 2-3 a season to have one at any given time.

Since How I Met Your Dad didn’t happen, A to Z is the gimmicky, schmaltzy romantic sitcom that hopes to take its place, even gifted with the absolutely adorable Cristin Milioti, who somehow lived up to being the Mother on HIMYM. It also has Mad Men scene stealer Ben Feldman, the Andrew to Milioti’s Zelda (get it, A to Z?). There probably isn’t a more delightful new coupling on TV. Or so you’d think.

A to Z is a show that stars a woman I’m legitimately mad I’m not old enough, New York enough, or talented enough to have met before she was famous. The pilot features multiple Back to the Future references. I still probably won’t watch another episode.

Andrew (Feldman) and Zelda (Milioti) are perfect for each other because the Narrator (Katey Sagal doing her best Allison Janney impersonation, oddly enough) tells us in an obnoxious opener that actually “reveals” that Andrew’s a man’s man who loves sports with the boyz, while Zelda is a girl’s girl…and Andrew sings Celine Dion (who doesn’t?)…blegh. They, of course, have insanely specific shared interests, ones that can be mined for comedy and for stubborn, insistent proof that they are one another’s romantic destiny. Instead, Andrew just comes off as a creep in proving their meant to be-ness. It’s hard to make the charming Ben Feldman creepy, but A to Z manages just fine. That’s what happens when a guy tracks down concert footage to prove whether or not someone you hardly know was in attendance.

Feldman and Milioti are meant for great things, just not for each other, at least not in A to Z. Like Andrew’s character, it’s trying too hard. If it was a bit worse, and I was a curmudgeon, I’d finish this review with the painful retort: “With an entire alphabet to play with, the only letter it reaches is F.”

That’s a failing grade, y’all.

25. Red Band Society (FOX)

Because Fault of Our Stars was a YA sensation, the clear message to advertisers is this: young people love to watch young people die (I guess this is more or less true considering Hunger Games and the string of dystopian successes). But Red Band Society uses this as a shortcut to feels and tragedy, rather than earning an audience’s emotional investment.

In a hospital that has a rooftop perfect for parties, a wealthy hypochondriac recluse who lives in one of the wings and gives dope to kids (An American Werewolf in London‘s Griffin Dunne, actually giving the show a breath of funky fresh air) and attractive doctors, lives a group of kids of various socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, and diseases. They are the Red Band Society.

Octavia Spencer is a “scary bitch,” who relishes in the barista getting her name right on the coffee cup. While the cup reads scary bitch, this is Nurse Jackson, the hardened woman keeping track of all these sick kids, who also has a heart of gold. But she doesn’t want to be muffin buddies with Nurse Dobler (Rebecca Rittenhouse), whose crime is clear: she’s too nice. You made me a plate of muffins? How dare you try to befriend me, you BITCH?!

The Red Band Society comes with a mawkish monologue from coma patient Charlie (name o’ the week nominee Griffin Gluck), who speaks in “this means that” misdirection with a voice that reminds you of Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin. There’s “…the story you want people to know and the one you don’t.” “How do you tell someone who needs a heart…that she never had one to begin with?” “Luck isn’t getting what you want, it’s surviving what you don’t want.” [When you get sick, people assume] “life stops…but it’s the opposite: life starts.” We have to forgive the Hallmark/inspirational phrase-of-the-day calendar stuff, because Charlie’s speaking FROM a coma: “This is me, talking to you from a coma. Deal with it.” Okay.

Kara (Zoe Levin) is the early favorite for Worst New Character on TV: she’s a Mean Girl cheerleader who coins phrases like “niplash” and after she collapses during practice, she decides to smoke in the hospital, BLOW CIGARETTE SMOKE INTO CHARLIE’S FACE (Charlie being the coma patient), and uses Charlie’s call button to get attention. She treats the nurses like their room service: she actually orders a kale salad from Nurse Jackson. But dammit, she needs a heart transplant. Maybe I should feel bad, but mostly I felt like they were robbing me of my ability to hate this character, who deserves several volumes of text dedicated to hating her. Kara’s not going to be eligible for a heart any time soon, thanks to her wide and varied drug use seen in her toxicology report. Wah wah.

Red Band Society ladles on the sentimentality and depression in equal measures, but luckily, the show’s heart is in the right place, even if their characters may not have working ones. Eventually, being forced to feel actually works, and dammit if something wasn’t stirring when Leo (Charlie Rowe) brings the gang together, and gives them all red bands, bracelets from his various surgeries that he’s kept as horrific mementos, quoting Shakespeare’s Henry V, labeling them his band of brothers. The relationship between Leo and new roommate Jordi (Nolan Sotillo) is the show’s saving grace, as Leo turns into an unlikely mentor for a friend forced to wade through the same tragedy. On the eve of an operation that will leave Jordi minus a leg, Leo promises him: “they can never cut into your soul.”

While Red Band Society smacks of somehow translating cancer kids and their foibles into marketing money, the show still feels like it has one. A soul, that is.

24. Madam Secretary (CBS)

Is “Not Politics As Usual” the most awkward slogan ever? Or is it the title I wish this show to have? Probably both, even if this is very much…politics as usual.

The Oval Office has always needed a middle-aged mother of three. After the Secretary of State’s plane went down, Keith Carradine (joining the annals of TV Presidency) tabs Elizabeth McCord (Tea Leoni) for the job. They apparently used to work in The Company together (we’re so cool we don’t have to call it the CIA). Prepare to hear The Company more times than you care to.

She’s the “least political person” the President knows, the only one he can trust to make real change. After all: “You don’t just think outside the box, you don’t know there is a box.” How do you say no to that pitch?

Ugh. Someone at CBS said yes to this pitch, and while it has many laughable and groan-worthy moments, it’s also very…competent. Elizabeth McCord may think outside the box, but this show is constructed entirely out of boxes. There’s a conspiracy, Elizabeth relies on her skills as a Mother in matters of National Security and diplomatic peacekeeping meetings with equal aplomb, and she even has to weather a new personal stylist. Oh, politics. You’re the worst.

But this show somehow isn’t. It’s so very standard, and predictable, but it’s not bad. It’s comfort food that tries to have edge: Elizabeth has shady contacts! Tim Daly is always shady! There’s a shady death! Politics are so shady, but the show’s tactics are so familiar, that its edges only further embolden the box’s architecture.

Zeljko Ivanek has played so many government aides that it’d be weird for him NOT to be in this show. How many times do you have to play a “combative chief of staff” before he gets grandfathered into the real Oval Office?

Hilariously, Quellek of Galaxy Quest, is ALSO in this show, as the director of the CIA. Good for Patrick Breen. He doesn’t even die!

At some point in this pilot episode, a character (probably a politician), admits, “I don’t think now is the time for substance.” He/she could be talking about this show, this fall season, or network TV as a whole. It’s certainly been CBS’ politics as usual mantra and MO for years (with a few exceptions), and it’s worked for so long, because these are the kind of shows that become hits and stay on for years and years. Why do so many people settle for mediocre, “safe” TV? Because so many people are morons. But with more and more outlets for content, and so many of them outstripping the major networks, hopefully the networks will respond with something bolder than a woman in the oval office.

23. Stalker (CBS)

Kevin Williamson has forever cemented his place in my heart with Dawson’s Creek, but Stalker continues a disturbing trend of horror-shock entertainment, akin to The Following.

We open with a hooded stalker with creepy slits in his mask burning a woman alive in her car. This case is forwarded to LA’s Threat Assessment Unit, where Beth Davis (Maggie Q) and her team excel in tackling stalker cases. How To Make It In America‘s Victor Rasuk and True Blood‘s Mariana Klaveno are Detectives with the thankless duty of holding case files and introducing them, while murmuring about how capable Beth is to the new guy Jack Larsen (Dylan McDermott), who’s hired to make sure the other detectives never have to leave the office. Jack was transferred from NY to LA because he slept with his boss’ wife, he has a big personality, and basically for being everything you personify in a Dylan McDermott character. Meaning: you hate him, just like Beth does when she first meets the lout; it’s slightly clever of Stalker to play with McDermott’s inherent hate-ability even if I question their methods. He’s a smart ass who makes inappropriate jokes (he transferred to LA to meet Scarlett Johansson, presumably a stalking victim) and admits to checking out Beth’s breasts; what’s not to love? Oh, he’s also tailing a blonde woman (Angel‘s Elisabeth Rohm) with a family, potentially a devious stalker himself.

Stalker is slick (because misogyny is cool, yo), mostly well made, but do you really want to spend an hour watching men and women getting attacked? That’s just not the type of escapist entertainment I’m drawn to, and this show doesn’t posit itself as anything more than that.

During a convenient lecture, Beth Davis tells us that over 6 million people get stalked each year; that’s 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men. It’s a serious problem, one exacerbated by social media and the unparalleled access people are relenting online. You want Stalker to get into the mindsets of stalkers, to attempt to take some sort of stance, but much like The Following, it’s mostly reveling in the violence, while Stalker‘s crippled with a procedural bent on a case of the week. It doesn’t glorify stalkers like The Following seemingly did for serial killers and cults in a disturbing way, but Stalker is already walking a fine line.

Stalkers are a sticky topic: most people don’t notify the police, or when they do, they can’t prove it. This is the crux of the problem; law enforcement can’t help most of the time, a realization that has spurred Beth to take matters into her own hands, much like a vigilante. This revenge fantasy could turn the show on its head, and highlighting the problems with catching real-life stalkers almost seems important. But it certainly feels like Stalker is going to be a spotlight for creepy, over-the-top horror movie level villains. That’s the mistake Kevin Williamson and company make; they assume the greater the evil, the freakier it is. I daresay focusing on the stalkers we’d find in real life are even scarier.

It’s nice to see Showtime’s Penny Dreadful get some love at Comic-Con. I was under the impression that either nobody watched it, or the people that did were kind of nonplussed about it, or that they’d rather read Alan Moore’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen instead. Either way, it didn’t get a ton of buzz, but I suspect it’s one of the many shows that will balloon in popularity in time for season 2, thanks to binge watchers, since most of the series aired against Game of Thrones.

Aisha Tyler of Archer and Whose Line is it Anyway? is the moderator, and an obsessed fan of the show (a “Dreadful”), which is something you can always tell if someone is faking. Tyler is not.

The panel kicks off with a wondrous recap of the show. I’m continually impressed by the editing and cuts when making these clips. I haven’t seen one that hasn’t made the previous season look 100 times better than what it actually was. Of course, that’s kind of why Greatest Hits albums exist.

Anyhow, the panel doesn’t include Eva Green or Timothy Dalton, which would probably be the two people I’d most want to see. Eva Green is deserving of Emmy’s and Globe’s for her fearless, nutso performance as Vanessa Ives, and Timothy Dalton just seems like he’d be hilarious/snarky. Plus, when in doubt, you always go for someone who’s played James Bond.

But we do receive creator/showrunner John Logan (Gladiator, The Last Samurai, The Aviator, Hugo and Skyfall), Reeve Carney (who plays Dorian Gray), Harry Treadaway (Dr. Frankenstein) and Josh Hartnett (Ethan Chandler).

Logan earns serious sympathy when it’s clear how big of a nerd and Comic-Con guy he is. PD is his first TV show, and he admits being “emotional sitting on this side [of the stage],” expressing respect for the fans and audience, and what we believe: that horror is exultation, transference and transformation. He’s a native San Diegan (which feels wrong to type). The show’s mantra is clear: there’s a “monster in all of us.” Or a hero, if you ask Aunt May.

Aisha kicks off the panel by bringing up the big twist of the finale: that Ethan Chandler is a werewolf. I thought it was fairly obvious the entire show (there’s a wolf in the show’s intro right before or after his name, we’ve seen him wake up confused, and there have been dead bodies showing up that aren’t linked to vampires, but clearly eviscerated by some monster; plus he’s American with a rich father, much like Lawrence Talbot in The Wolfman), but it was still awesome to finally see evidence. The twist made Hartnett feel more “ingrained in the world.” Hartnett also admits to shaking and being nervous for the panel, which is adorable.

Logan has thought about the show for ten years (which is funny, considering the headline of this post). It came from a period of his life when he was depressed, and revisited Victorian wordsmiths, and wept at Mary Shelley’s work. The show came from being different (Logan is an open homosexual). Originally, he thought he might just recreate Frankenstein, but then he wanted to craft original characters, as he continued to think about it. He also drew inspiration from the second generation of Universal horror, which made him want to bring them all together. Hartnett jokes that you have Abbott and Costello to thank for Penny Dreadful, which is funny, but also kind of true.

Is Ethan Chandler so nice during the day, because he’s evil at night? Logan thought that’s what came naturally, and also wanted to get the audience invested, before the reveal.

Was Ethan bitten or part of a long line of wolves? “To be decided,” is what Logan says, but it’s clear he has long known the answer, and admits to having elaborate back stories in mind for all of the characters.

The most important/right sentence of the evening: “All hail Eva Green.” Logan calls her the most fearless actress he’s ever worked with.

Aisha then brings up Ethan and Dorian sex, because, of course. Reeve Carney didn’t know that would happen when he got the part, but joked he’d “better get a hot guy,” and he did. Logan wants to explore everything sexually.

The first season of PD was the overture, whereas the second season they get to play with and develop the relationships.

RE: the death of Van Helsing: For Logan, while he’s apologetic about killing off Van Helsing (played by the great David Warner), it was a joyous act. It was liberating, because it showed the audience that they’re straying from these classic works. Logan and the show respect the mythology, but are carving their own path. This moment begged the audience, “come with us,” and see what else is in store.

When crafting Dorian Gray, John Logan wanted rock ‘n roll in the Victorian era, a David Bowie/Mick Jagger type. And that was Reeve Carney.

Harry Treadaway didn’t finish reading Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, getting up to the point where it was useful (leading us to the believe that we won’t see the Doc and Frankenstein traveling the world after each other in the show, or at least not for a long time). He also talked to Cambridge scholars about the medical practices of the era, which blew his mind.

Logan refers to Harry as a legendary prop actor, much like Peter Cushing, about as high a praise as you can get in the horror genre. There are no inserts in Harry’s scenes. He’s always using the medical tools.

What is the nature of Vanessa’s possession? Did she invite the darkness in or was she taken? As always, Logan intimates it’s “inbetween,” but this is something they’ll delve into in season 2.

What new characters can we expect, or does he want to add to the cast? He didn’t rattle off names of monsters like I expected, though one he did was Dr. Moreau, wanting to visit the Island of Lost Souls.

Logan has charted three seasons thus far, and has pinned witch Madame Kali as the antagonist in season 2. Madame Kali showed up for one episode in the memorable “Seance,” when we first learned something of Vanessa Ives’ true nature. Kali is played by the great Helen McRory (Skyfall, Hugo, Narcissa Malfoy in Harry Potter). Logan shares an awesome deleted scene from Episode 8 that was cut, where Kali threatens Ferdinand Lyle. She promises “one will live, one will die,” and is a creepy scene that leaves me truly excited to see her as the Big Bad in S2. Perhaps even better is that Simon Russell Beale’s Ferdinand Lyle will be joining the family in season 2 as a series regular. The effeminate Egyptologist was one of my favorite characters, even though he only showed up in 2 episodes.

Credit to Matthew Sweets for inventing the Victorian, and their Victoriana region.

The Creature (Rory Kinnear) will be choosing a name for himself in season 2, and it’ll be the name of a dead poet. Obvi.

They filmed Dorian Gray’s portrait and was going to reveal it in the finale, but decided to hold off, and tease it off in the coming season, because it didn’t have the impact they wanted it to.

We can expect a lot of Vanessa and Ethan together in Season 2. That doesn’t mean it gets romantic, but obviously there’s a possibility. It seems that possibilities are endless with Penny Dreadful going forward, and I think the show is only going to get better, as John Logan masters making TV. It’s clear he’s a brilliant writer and is as knowledgeable as anyone on the genre.

Right now you’d be in your arm chair, a mug of beer in tow, watching the newest installment of HBO’s GAME OF THRONES. Unfortunately, you won’t be doing that this Sunday night.

GAME OF THRONES’ fourth season was probably its best yet, which is an impressive statement, since the first three seasons were essentially a bad break (or a BREAKING BAD) away from being the best show on TV (though arguments can be made for FRINGE, COMMUNITY, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, JUSTIFIED, THE WALKING DEAD, PARKS AND RECREATION and LOUIE within that time).

But after last season’s incredible finale, “The Children,” which may have been its best yet (and it still elicits massive doses of controversy, because internet), we’re left without the sprawling clans of Westeros and beyond fighting for power and meaningless titles on our TV sets until next March. That’s a long damn time. What the hell are we supposed to do until then? I’m not going to suggest going outside or watching the World Cup or even reading George R. R. Martin’s A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE novels, because no shit. Of course, none of my other recommendations are going to be insightful or clever either.

More than ever, people want to be apart of the discussion, they don’t want to be the only one not watching a show. This year that show has been alternately TRUE DETECTIVE, GAME OF THRONES and ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK. What’s the next obsession? Each of my following suggestions are ranked by their potential to be the next big thing.

Before I begin, I’ll offer the following advice: watch anything but CROSSBONES and DEFIANCE. I feel like this goes without saying. Watch BLACK SAILS instead if you crave pirates, because it’s STARZ’s replacement for SPARTACUS (though it’s not that good). Watch DOMINION instead of DEFIANCE if you want SyFy in your life, because that has Anthony Stewart Head in it.

10. Go see OBVIOUS CHILD

I haven’t seen the movie, but everyone I’ve talked to has said how amazing Jenny Slate is in it, and how powerful/funny/difficult a movie it is. You know Jenny Slate as Mona-Lisa in PARKS & RECREATION, also known as the worst (and simultaneously the best), and I’m tickled that this movie puts her on the dramatic map. There isn’t a movie out right now that I’m more intrigued to see. I’m guessing it’s worth the extra effort to find it.

Water Cooler Factor: 1/10. You’ll be the cool kid talking about a movie nobody’s seen, which is worth something. Unless you’re an LA hipster, I doubt OBVIOUS CHILD will make a dent in the theaters, unfortunately.

9. Catch up on ORPHAN BLACK

If you’re not watching BBC’s ORPHAN BLACK, you’re not doing it correctly. While the second season wasn’t as mindblowing or fresh as the first season, it was still the best show on TV that isn’t GAME OF THRONES (or HANNIBAL). Then last night’s season finale happened, and “Holy shit” was all I could utter after nearly every scene. It truly was a game changer; the finale changes EVERYTHING, and I’m not sure into what. Season 3 will be a complete mystery, but it promises to be no less compelling. It’s time to get onboard and learn why Tatiana Maslany really is everything.

Water Cooler Factor: 4/10. The season is over, so a lot of the impetus is gone for people to talk about it. By next year it’ll be on SHERLOCK levels, however.

8. Finally check out Showtime’s PENNY DREADFUL

I wouldn’t say I was overwhelmed by the pilot, but since then John Logan and Sam Mendes’ highly stylized, quite screwed up and grotesque take on classic gothic horror has grown into something bewitching.

I wouldn’t say it’s great, though it’s filled with great performances. Namely, the show has given an excuse for Eva Green to go absolutely bonkers, and that’s something the world has wanted/needed/craved since CASINO ROYALE. She’s deserving of at least a nomination at all of the award shows for her alluring, batshit crazy portrayal of Vanessa Ives, one of the few characters on the show that isn’t lifted directly from literature (or if it is, it’s over my head). We’ve seen way too many seances in film and TV, but Eva Green’s possessed Vanessa is the moment that secured my viewership until the show ends.

Plus, Timothy Dalton further cements his scene crunching ability in a late career renaissance I adore, and you can see Josh Hartnett’s ass and Billie Piper’s boobs. I’m an episode behind going into tonight’s episode (“Possession”), so this is one on the list that I’ll definitely be doing.

Water Cooler Factor: 5/10. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot more people would’ve been watching PENNY DREADFUL if not for GAME OF THRONES. Now that the latter is done, there’s still some time for PENNY DREADFUL to get into the national discussion. Unfortunately, after tonight’s episode, there’s only one week till the finale. Considering Showtime has already optioned a second season, it’s another good one to get ahead of the game for next year.

7. Get onboard BBC’s next buzzy show, INTRUDERS

All I know about BBC’s INTRUDERS, except that it’s premiering this summer and stars The Master himself, John Simm, is what I gleaned from this promo:

And that’s all I need/care to know to watch it.

Water Cooler Factor: 6/10. Looks great, but in a LUTHER/IN THE FLESH kind of way, where only the in BBC crowd watches and loves it.

5. Figure out what the hell RECTIFY is about

I’ll be honest, I don’t know. But this Sundance Channel show is apparently brilliant.

EW raves about it. It’s “mesmerizing.” “Stop Everything and Go Watch Rectify.”

It certainly doesn’t sound for everyone, considering it’s referred to as subtle and quiet drama, its whodunnit beside the point. Vulture calls it “christian art.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m tantalized, especially when it’s hailed as the successor to MAD MEN.

Water Cooler Factor: 7/10. Critics and outlets are going mad for RECTIFY. Will the people follow? I kind of doubt it, based on the themes at work in RECTIFY, but I’ve bumped several shows on my list in order to start season 1 and catch up on season 2 before it ends.

4. Check out STARZ’s OUTLANDER

OUTLANDER wants to be the next GAME OF THRONES, minus the dragons (as far as I know). It’s from a best selling book series, and is a time traveling romance to Scotland, being brought to the screen by Ronald D. Moore, who rules (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA). I think this one could be huge, judging by the eighth book’s firm place on top of the NYT Best Seller’s List, and its legion of fans.

OUTLANDER premieres August 9th.

Water Cooler Factor: 8/10. It might be too dreamy and historical to catch on like wildfire, but then again, we live in an age when DOWNTON ABBEY is one of the most talked about shows.

3. FX’s THE STRAIN is the next THE WALKING DEAD/AMERICAN HORROR STORY

Based on a popular book series, check. Awesome pedigree (Guillermo del Toro), check. A new, dark take on vampires, check.

From what little we’ve seen of THE STRAIN, it looks fucked up and cool. We might all be tired of vampires, but I’m pretty sure del Toro has something different up his sleeves with this.

It’s a coming July 13th.

Water Cooler Factor: 8.5/10. When horror shows find an audience, they explode, and with AHS and TWD off the air, The Strain should fill that void. It also helps that I expect it to be fairly excellent. Bonus half point because…IT HAS SEAN ASTIN IN IT!

2. Watch HBO’s Newest Show: THE LEFTOVERS

There’s little doubt in my mind that HBO will keep the hits coming, and dominate the national pop culture discussion again, after dominating this calendar year with TRUE DETECTIVE and GOT. I don’t think it’ll be the last season of TRUE BLOOD we’ll be talking about, however. That, like DEXTER before it, is ending too late, and is really just something we’re all watching out of due diligence more than anything else.

Next Sunday, June 29th we get to see THE LEFTOVERS, the show I believe will be the next buzzy show that will get spoiled for us minutes after its episodes air. What if 2% of the world’s population mysteriously disappeared? It certainly has LOST-like potential, which sounds like a dirty word these days, but I still cling to that as a compliment. It also could very well be like UNDER THE DOME, an inconsistent show I hate-watch. Either way, I’m quite curious to check it out.

Water Cooler Factor: 9/10. Pretty positive this is the one to take the mantle.

1. Watch these summer movies: DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY and SNOWPIERCER.

Movies have a very low shelf life in terms of taking over the discussion, since every week there’s a new blockbuster to watch. So far 2014’s had a pretty good track record, though we’re about to hit a bit of a lull until DOTPOTA comes out, which is an acronym I’ll avoid using in the future.

DAWN and GUARDIANS are my two most anticipated films left this summer, and probably this year, though I’m not bothering to check that. They’re also the only two I’d predict that could even touch CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER in terms of quality.

SNOWPIERCER should be incredible as long as the Weinstein’s don’t ruin it. It’s based on an acclaimed French graphic novel, it stars Chris Evans, Jamie Bell, John Hurt, Tilda Swinton, Ed Harris, Octavia Spencer, Alison Pill and comes from visionary director Joon-ho Bong. Peep it:

It’s a smaller film, but it shouldn’t be, based on that trailer and who’s involved. We will get to see a director’s cut, but the film will no longer get a wide release. The world sucks sometimes.

Water Cooler Factor: 10/10. Maybe not for SNOWPIERCER, but DAWN and GUARDIANS are the two biggest movies yet to come out so far, mark my words. Fuck Transformers.

OTHERS: Halt and Catch Fire, AMC. The Knick, STARZ. The Last Ship & Legends, TNT. The Quest, CBS.

Showtime, as has become its penchant, has released the pilot of PENNY DREADFUL for all to see, a couple weeks in advance of its premiere date (the show airs Sundays at 9 PM, beginning on May 11^th). The following analysis contains A BOATLOAD OF SPOILERS FOR THE PILOT, so consider yourself warned, as we delve into the demimonde, the place in the shadows, a world inbetween what we see and what we fear, or the setting in which much of PENNY DREADFUL takes place.

PENNY DREADFUL is dripping with pedigree. The series is created by John Logan, the screenwriter of THE AVIATOR, GLADIATOR, THE LAST SAMURAI, HUGO and SKYFALL, with Sam Mendes (SKYFALL, AMERICAN BEAUTY) on board to produce. The pilot and several subsequent episodes are directed by J.A. Bayona (THE IMPOSSIBLE, THE ORPHANAGE and will be tackling WORLD WAR Z 2). And the material that Logan and company are plumbing is even more star-studded, as PENNY DREADFUL seeks to be a dark mishmash of all the great gothic horror literature. Bram Stoker’s “Dracula.” Robert Louis Stevenson’s “Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde.” Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein.” Oscar Wilde’s “The Picture of Dorian Gray.”  All these and more have been referenced by Logan and others when news of the project materialized, all likely to be adapted for the bloody, gruesome small screen in some manner.

It’s been so mysterious thus far…but now that the pilot is available, we can begin to see what Logan and company have in store for us.

The horror and genre fan in me loves it…but it all kind of seems familiar, stale, been there-done that. NBC already has/had a DRACULA show. There’s VAMPIRE DIARIES, THE ORIGINALS, THE STRAIN. The American BEING HUMAN just ended, but the British one is still going. Of course, there’s more going on than just vampires in PENNY DREADFUL, and none of those shows might not be done as well or as purdy and stylized as Showtime’s dreary tone. After watching the first episode, this is ONCE UPON A TIME with gothic literature, gifted with an AMERICAN HORROR STORY like vibe where sex and blood is par for the course. This is Alan Moore’s “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.”

I was ready to slam this pilot, or at the very least, extoll skepticism that the show will hold my interest, but I realize it already has, thanks to all my speculation about the characters and what’s to come.

Part of the mystery (or the only thing that had me captivated) in the opening episode is figuring out who is who in the convoluted tapestry that John Logan is weaving. The character’s names, before the pilot aired, appeared innocuous, all-new, and not especially linked to the books Logan kept name-dropping in interviews (save Dorian Gray). Was it a ploy to keep guys like me off the trail? Or are the monsters and the heroes going to be bit players, or side characters to the action; is this going to be AGENTS OF H.O.R.R.O.R., creating brand new characters in a well-known world? It appears that it’ll be a little bit of everything, as it’s clear that there are more to these characters than meets the eye, and several are no longer a secret.

Josh Hartnett plays Ethan Chandler (any time I see the name Chandler, I assume it’s a reference to Raymond Chandler), a con man, an actor, who poses as a swashbuckling, roguish cowboy who survived Custer’s Last Stand, using his tall tale to swindle the charmed Brits. The fact that he uses the term tall tale seems to hint that his true identity may be found in one of them. He certainly doesn’t seem like Paul Bunyan, though Hartnett could totally pull off Babe the Blue Ox. Is he Davy Crockett? Johnny Appleseed? Pecos Bill? Or is he a famous cowboy, a Buffalo Bill? Wild Bill Hickok? Billy the Kid? Another cowboy named Bill? Vanessa Ives claims that there’s more to him than he puts out there.

Ethan is our entry to the story, as he’s approached by Vanessa Ives (Eva Green) to help her and her employer (Malcolm) with some “night work” (the name of the pilot), which naturally involves killing monsters.

Who exactly is Vanessa Ives? She’s seen worshipping to a cross several times, having an unhealthy relationship with spiders, whether she summons them, or they just hate her prayers. She’s a fortune teller, a spiritualist, the kind of lady who will totally tell you to pick a Tarot card from her deck. I got nothing on her right now, though I’m sure it’s staring me right in the face. Anyone have any theories? I want her to be the crazy gypsy woman from WOLF MAN, but that isn’t right.

Timothy Dalton is great as Sir Malcolm, a wealthy explorer searching for his daughter, who’s been kidnapped by blood-cursed beasts. Can we call a spade a spade here and just admit they’re vampires? It’s unfortunate that vampires are the biggest focus in the first episode, since we’re about running out of new ground in that particular mythos. It’s clear, even before we learn that Malcolm’s full name is Malcolm Murray, that his daughter is Mina, or Mina Murray/Harker, Dracula’s biggest infatuation. More interesting is that they present Sir Malcolm as an explorer of Africa who’s lived untold adventures and happened upon a myriad of secrets. He certainly has shades of H. Rider Haggard’s Allan Quatermain, the star of “King Solomon’s Mines,” a book that is credited with creating the “Lost World” genre. Quatermain is the godfather of Indiana Jones and whatever Noah Wyle played on TNT.

Considering Malcolm has a servant named Sembene, who’s clearly from “the dark continent,” (their words, not mine), it’s likely Sembene was found/rescued during his travels in Africa. I’m not overly familiar with Haggard’s novels, but I’m sure they’re filled with potential characters he may be (Umslopogaas? Ignosi?). Ousmane Sembene is a notable African filmmaker from the independence era, which certainly doesn’t seem like an accident, and indicates that Malcolm/Quatermain perhaps freed Sembene from slavery.

After Malcolm, Vanessa and Ethan traipse around, stumbling upon a vampire nest, they bring a body to a doctor, a man singularly consumed with life and death. It doesn’t take a genius to realize we’re seeing a young Dr. Frankenstein (Harry Treadaway), even before his identity is revealed (you’ll be screaming at the screen long before he says his name). He isn’t interested in any other avenue of science, blinded by arrogance and purpose. Malcolm wants to hire the Doctor for their quest to find Mina, but even though Victor’s clearly in need of the money, he doesn’t want to dilly dally with anything else but his experiments.

Which happen to bear fruit by the end of the episode, as we see Logan and company’s version of the “It’s Alive!” scene, which is thankfully a lot different (and effective). In Mary Shelley’s classic novel, once Victor achieves his goal, he’s terrified of the demon he created, and runs away from the Monster. Then he realizes he must kill him, and consumed by madness, travels around the globe to try and catch him. The Monster, despite his ugly features, is an eloquent figure, abandoned by his father, and seeking a place in an unjust and mysterious universe, only wreaking terror and death because Victor kind of deserves it for being a self-absorbed ninny. In PENNY DREADFUL, the two wonder at each other…the Creature (Rory Kinnear) not particularly big or imposing, both of them touching the other’s face. There’s certainly sexual vibes going on (was he a lover of Victor’s before he died?).

In the waning moments of the pilot, Malcolm is greeted by the presence of his dear daughter, Mina (Olivia Llewellyn), who it appears, is no longer human. She’s been turned, which, while tragic news to Malcolm, is good news for us as an audience, because we don’t have to go through that storyline again. More interestingly, Malcolm and Vanessa have committed some transgression that led to Mina’s condition, a guilt that they’ll always have.

While the vampire stuff is mostly pat…Dr. Frankenstein unearths an interesting wrinkle, when he splits open a dead vamp’s exoskeleton, revealing hieroglyphics tattooed to the man’s skin. Malcolm and Vanessa go see a Mr. Lyle, an eccentric Egyptian scholar at the British Museum, who reveals that the tattoos indicate the man has a “blood curse,” and that the images come from the Book of the Dead. Of course it does. To the best of my knowledge there is no Mr. Lyle in any of the Universal Mummy films, but I do like that everything seems to come from Africa, and are related to one of Malcolm’s expeditions.

Oh, and because it wouldn’t be London in the 19^th century without him, it appears that Jack the Ripper is back, having butchered a woman into all kinds of pieces. Is Jack the Ripper a vampire, or something else (Dr. JACK-yll and Mr. Hyde)? Or is Jack just back from a holiday? Or is it Dracula/some vampire, doing the murders, and it just looks like Jack the Ripper? Considering how much blood was left at the scene of the crime, it certainly doesn’t feel like vampires.

So after one episode: we got vampires, Mina Murray with the promise of Dracula to come, some version of Jack the Ripper, Dr. Frankenstein and his “Creature” (not his Monster), and an Allan Quatermain stand-in. We haven’t even been introduced to Dorian Gray (Reeve Carney), though he’s coming.

PENNY DREADFUL’s pilot wasn’t terrific, but it obviously had a ton of elements and seeds, and depending on how they’re teased out, and blossom over its first season, it may very well prove that vampires, monsters and the like aren’t so dead after all. Plus, we haven’t even met Billie Piper’s Brona Croft (an irish immigrant trying to escape her dark past), with even more puzzles to come.

STREAM THE PILOT NOW:

http://youtu.be/_GMZBirzYAY