LIE TO ME follows a group of scientists that study universal micro-expressions to determine if someone is telling the truth.

Of course, I’ve done a few other things with my life in the past few months too. I’ve slept a little, eaten from time to time, and occasionally even showered. But mostly I’ve come to the shocking and slightly disappointing realization that marathoning TV has ruined my life.

TRUE BLOOD knew it was going down the toilet, so they bribed their female and homo viewers into staying until the end.

When I find a good show that I get truly invested in it becomes all I think about. I’ll cancel plans with friends because why would I spend time with them when I can obsess about Freya’s choice between brothers Killian and Dash? Or wonder how it took so long for there be a sex scene between Eric and Jason in the seven seasons of HBO’s soft-core vampire porno. These shows become the most important friends I have, and all others in my life will take second, third or fourth place when necessary. I’ll even avoid my daily phone call with my mom (who’s my favorite person in the entire world) if it means that I have to resurface from Peter and Roman’s [b]romance (because OMG they’re so gay for each other it hurts).

Even now, as I sit here and bitch and moan about how marathoning TV has taken over my life, the majority of my brain is still wondering if Cal and Gillian are ever going to admit they’re meant to be. (Sidenote: every actor ever has guest-starred on LIE TO ME. Like, for serious.)

Nassau, New Providence Island. 1715. One guess what BLACK SAILS is about.

Unfortunately, the worst (read: BEST) part about marathoning TV is that the list doesn’t ever end. Somewhere in life I’m going to finish BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BLACK SAILS and HANNIBAL, and if-and-when I ever catch up with those bad boys I’ll finally get to AMERICAN HORROR STORY, VIKINGS, DOMINION, ORPHAN BLACK and TRUE DETECTIVE, though not necessarily in that order. Of course, this is theoretically in addition to all the currently airing [summer] shows I try to keep up with as well like SUITS, COVERT AFFAIRS, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and practically every ABC Family show ever. (I see your judging eyes. ABCF is the shit. Sorry, not sorry.)

The moral of this short and distracted story is: Marathoning TV has ruined my life.

And with that, off I go again. Later, haterz.

I’ve already delved into why A GOOFY MOVIE is one of the most important films of my childhood, and ever. So instead, I’ll talk about how I bastardized another one of my youthful favorites, when a group of friends watched the 1995 Disney classic A GOOFY MOVIE over far too many beers. This one came after FLUBBER, so we already weren’t on our right minds.

But first, a little unnecessary background. A GOOFY MOVIE was Kevin Lima’s directorial debut. He parlayed the job into three other big Disney films, including TARZAN, 102 DALMATIANS and most recently, ENCHANTED, permanently etching his name in the annals of the Disney greats. That’s definitely hyperbole, but whatever.

Bobby Brown, yes that Bobby Brown, was the original choice for Powerline, the hip young pop star that Max Goof emulates and is essentially an unholy amalgamation of Michael Jackson and Prince. Because of his drug problems, he was replaced by Tevin Campbell, whoever that is.

A GOOFY MOVIE features the last role from the late, great Pat Buttram, as the Possum Park Emcee, a small role that proved unforgettable/disturbing to me as a child. The Possum Park is wholly horrifying. Evidence:

Pat Buttram was one of the great relics from Hollywood’s golden age of Western obsession, a night permanent fixture beside Gene Autry, and appearing on the ED SULLIVAN SHOW frequently to perform stand-up. He also was on GREEN ACRES and a slew of other shows that your grandparents adored. But due to his indelible voice, he made his mark on Disney, performing in FOX AND THE HOUND, THE RESCUERS, ROBIN HOOD and THE ARISTOCATS, among others. He also had minor roles in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT and BACK TO THE FUTURE III. In other words, he’s incredible. Pat is the saloon old-timer on the right in this clip.

There’s not much else to say about Bill Farmer, the titan of voice acting, than to say no one else can voice Goofy like he can. A GOOFY MOVIE gave him the spotlight he deserved, and he didn’t disappoint. The film also has Wallace Shawn of PRINCESS BRIDE fame, Julie Brown (THE MIDDLE) and one of the original Disney Channel stars Joey Lawrence (BROTHERLY LOVE).

Finally, Roxanne is one of the sexiest Disney love interests ever, perhaps topping the list of non-princesses.

Seriously.

The film also has plenty of opportunities to drink, so have at the rules. As always, stay safe, don’t drink and drive, and don’t be an idiot.

RULES

1. Whenever Max wishes that he wasn’t with Goofy, or is horrified to become like Goofy, drink.

2. Sip whenever Pete yells at PJ.

3. Drink whenever Goofy laughs and/or falls over. Double it if he does the Goofy holler “ah-ha-ha-hueeeeyyy” noise as he falls to what would be certain death if it wasn’t a cartoon.

4. You must toast whenever Goofy says/yells/a-yuk’s “Maxie”

5. Drink for every song.

6. Waterfall while Bobby Zimmeruski eats the leaning tower of Cheeza. Drink again when you realize Bobby is voiced by PAULY SHORE.

7. Drink for every heartwarming father and son moment.

8. But also drink whenever Maxie is a complete dickhead to his dear ole Dad.

9. Drink every time Max or Goofy use the “Perfect Cast” technique.

10. Every time Roxanne or Max blush, drink.

11. Drink for every time Max accidentally unleashes an “ayuk.”

EXPERT EDITION: Call your Dad after watching A GOOFY MOVIE (whether playing this game or not). If you don’t, drink.

Like GRIMM, I’ve been hanging onto ONCE UPON A TIME out of habit, and kind of hating myself for still watching it. When OUAT first came on the air, I was forced to watch it for work, but quickly, I was surprised by how much I liked it, despite its abundant flaws. The first season was great, introducing a world with near limitless potential, a slew of great characters and actors (and more mediocre ones).

As it progressed, the flaws grew more noticeable, the bumps and bruises more prevalent than the fucking happy ending that we have to hear about every 30 seconds. There were no stakes: death proved more frivolous and less permanent than something out of a 1990’s comicbook, and none of the characters had anything to lose…because OUAT would always revert back to its same formula, with the Evil Queen evil again, Emma stubborn and un-believing, Snow and Prince Charming painfully in love but without any chemistry to show for it (yet they’re married in real life, go figure), and Henry bogging down the narrative with Project Give Me a Break.

The third season shaved off the fat and sent the main cadre of heroes and villains to Neverland to deal with a Big Bad Peter Pan, a fantastic idea that they never fully capitalized on. But, the show was trying to muck with the formula, and threatening to up the ante. They killed off Rumpelstiltskin, a risky move that was hard to fathom being permanent, since Robert Carlyle is the best part of the show.

They came closer with Zelena and the Wicked Witch storyline, thanks to a maliciously game Rebecca Mader (LOST). Rumpel was of course brought back to life…but it came with a price: his son’s life. It was heartbreaking, heroic on Neal/Baelfire’s part, and made us pay for having Rumpel back. All of a sudden, in a show that constantly harped on about magic requiring a price, OUAT was starting to pay it.

The Evil Queen’s journey to redemption has been fantastic, and her finding true love (again) with Robin Hood was one of the more pleasurable subplots of the latter half of the third season, as SHE was the savior, and not Emma, against Zelena. While the Robin Hood love story was forced, it all worked, because Lana Parilla’s the best, and we somehow want to root for her, even though they’ve gone back and forth on her being evil, kinda good, antihero, and all the shades inbetween.

In the two part, two hour finale, that is a madcap time travel adventure that I loved, despite its logic leaps, Emma saves a woman from certain death, something that would irrevocably change the future. That woman turned out to be Marian (Christie Laing), Robin Hood’s deceased love. Right when Regina is truly happy, and has Robin Hood, OUAT throws one of its best curveballs ever, bringing back Robin’s first true love back from the dead. The twist was brilliant (and since we’ve never seen Marian dead, it’s the good kind of death reversal), and totally caught me off-guard, and I’ve never felt more for Regina…but I hope that this doesn’t serve to reset Regina back into Evil Queen mode, rinse, and repeat. The head writers and creators, Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, claim that this won’t be the case, and I believe them. This isn’t the same Regina that swore vengeance on Snow White, even if the parallels with her daughter are there. It could devolve back into that…and if it does, I probably will stop watching OUAT. But I’m more optimistic for the show’s future than I have been since the awesome end of season 1.

Another wonderful thing that happened in the finale was Emma and Captain Hook-ing up, which has been a long time coming. Hook has been one of the consistently great things in OUAT since Colin O’Donoghue appeared, and they earned this moment. I’m sure it’ll go to shit immediately, but for now, yay.

But, what everyone talked about with the finale came in the final moments. Marian isn’t the only thing that came back from the past with Emma and Hook.

Yup. Elsa is coming to ONCE UPON A TIME, less than a year after the movie came out in theaters, an unheard of and incredible turnaround. This entrance brought with it a million questions (will Idina Menzel reprise the role? Is Anna coming along for the ride, and would Kristen Bell be into it? Is Elsa a villain? Is she going to be another long lost relative in this convoluted, silly family Storybrooke tree? Are we going to see Arendale?), and because FROZEN is a behemoth, likely has promised the show its best ratings ever with its fourth season premiere, when we start to get some answers.

Until then, I’m just going to take solace in the fact that I care about ONCE UPON A TIME again, and since FROZEN is probably the biggest property that Disney owns (non-Marvel division), they’ll likely be very hands on in making sure ABC and the OUAT writers don’t muck it up. See ya in September.

Disney’s THE SWORD IN THE STONE is tailor made for a movie drinking game, you just might not have known it, or forgotten.

The 1963 classic comes from German-born director Wolfgang Reitherman, who also helmed THE JUNGLE BOOK, ROBIN HOOD, 101 DALMATIONS, THE ARISTOCATS, THE RESCUERS and several adventures involving WINNIE THE POOH. The guy’s a stud, and a titan of Disney and the animation field, but perhaps none of his movies were quite as weird, psychedelic and unsettling as THE SWORD IN THE STONE, a butchering/retelling of T.H. White’s classic book ONCE AND FUTURE KING, subtracting out giant gobbets of love story with Guinevere (and the subsequent awkward as fuck affair with Lancelot).

There aren’t as many rules as normal for this one, but that’s because these are already potent enough. This is easily the most fun of any of the movie drinking games I’ve played that you’ll find on this site, for now. Enjoy THE MOVIE DRINKING GAME, “Warts and All” Edition.

RULES:

1. Drink any time Wart, Merlin or anyone appears high as fuck.

More like SWORD IN THE STONER.

2. If that joke didn’t make you laugh uncontrollably, you’re no Archimedes, Merlin’s brilliant owl, and one of the best fictional owls of all-time. Waterfall (sip continuously) during this entire, epic dying-of-laughing scene:

3. Drink any time Sir Kay is a jackass. So, essentially every scene he’s in.

4. You might as well be waterfalling for this one. Take a sip whenever the villainous Madam Mim is the scariest thing you’ve ever seen. Madam Mim is essentially Morgan le Fay, with a knack for unholy transformations, such as the pig (seen above), cat, snake, dragon, skinny bitch, sick woman, rhino, crocodile, horrifying tiger thing; she is EVERYTHING awful about this world. Here’s her introduction, which you likely blacked out as a child (and you might again, if you do this game up right). I had some serious, disturbing deja vu during the entire evening:

5. Drink every time Merlin casts a spell. Double the drink if he says Prestigitonium OR if the spell backfires and doesn’t work. Basically, whenever Merlin is a crackpot, drink.

6. Whenever Wart turns into a new species, drink. Take another when any of his fellow animal brethren try to sex him or Merlin up. It’s weird.

Um, ew.