SPOILERS.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about Netflix Original Programming. ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK is great, though if we’re being totally honest I wasn’t the biggest fan of Season 2. As for HEMLOCK GROVE, maybe it’s because I haven’t read the books, or maybe it’s because halfway into Season 2 of HEMLOCK GROVE I finally gave in and had to google what an “upir” is because it was never actually explained in the show (apparently it’s a half demon/half witch hybrid thing), but something about HG is just wrong. Obviously Netflix must have known it too because they found a way of reversing the decision to give Famke Janssen an atrocious accent, and they worked S02’s storyline so that all the characters basically changed completely over the “few months” that happened between the S01 finale and the S02 premiere.

The show started out pretty intriguing. Roman, an upir, befriends Peter, a werewolf, in the search to find the monster that’s been murdering girls all around their small town. A few other strange supporting characters here and there, but an overall interesting premise. Not quite what you expected it to be (not the shallow high school sci-fi drama you’d find on the CW), but instead something that tried to have a little depth and mythology, albeit not very well explained.

The werewolf change was awesome, though.

And somehow, even with a decent premier season the sophomore set of episodes was just catastrophic. After S01’s risqué love triangle between Peter, Roman, and Roman’s blond cousin Letha that he unknowingly impregnated (he was under a spell), S02 tried to make another convoluted triangle between Peter, Roman, and some new random blond chickadee. The writers’ solution to this new love triangle had to be different than last season though, so instead of putting Roman in a coma after a car accident, they wrote in a threesome instead. At least in sex-heavy shows like TRUE BLOOD threesomes are expected and moreover, encouraged, because that’s the nature of the show. HEMLOCK GROVE started to try so desperately to be a mix of THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, TRUE BLOOD, and DAYS OF OUR LIVES that it seems to have no idea what it’s doing, and is leaving the viewers in complete confusion by the end of each episode wondering how we got to where we are, and more importantly: where the hell are we?

But even so, I stuck it out and convinced myself that everything was going to be ok and I could get back into this mess and figure it out… Until the home-grown, genetically engineered girl that popped up was eaten in order to save an upir from dying. How did that work, you ask? Still don’t know.

The sister, Shelley.

On top of all that disaster, we also have the mystery that is Roman’s younger sister – a deformed non-upir who’s powers of glow-in-the-dark empathy mysteriously vanished between seasons 1 and 2, and who’s consciousness was apparently being transferred into the genetically engineered girl (who’s also blond. The only brunette’s on the show are evil, crippled or dead. I’m sensing a theme here.)

Yet, I was still trying to forgive this show and get back on board regardless of how ridiculous it was getting…. Until the S02 finale when a huge flying dragon-human-monster-no-one-quite-knows-wtf-it-is thing showed up as Roman and Peter’s shared lover was trying to kill herself and Letha’s baby.

The grow-your-own, Shelley2.

After convincing myself to finish Season 2, I am sad to say that I am admitting defeat and giving up on the show entirely. Know how many shows I’ve done this to in my life? I can count them on one hand and even then, they are not “I will never endure another episode of this poop again.” They are, “I don’t have time to finish”/”Not really invested, will try again later”/”Need to watch at home to catch all the great moments because multi-task-watching at work just isn’t cutting it.”

But to HEMLOCK GROVE I say no more. I say that I will not force myself to suffer through any more agonizing dialogue or accents, or such painfully sexually tense scenes between Roman and Peter that the writers refuse to acknowledge outright but half-assed allow by scripting a threesome. I am taking a stand against HEMLOCK GROVE, slamming down my gavel, and refusing to waste another hour on this horrible soap opera.

Fight the power! And the werewolves! And the upirs!

But seriously, what in the hell is an upir?

YE BE WARNED: ARROW 2×20 SPOILERS AHEAD, MATEY.

I have never read any of The Flash’s comics. Frankly, the only thing I ever knew about The Flash was that he had a red costume with a lightning bolt and was part of the DC Universe. But that didn’t stop me from Googling until I could Google no more when ARROW made the announcement that they would introduce The Flash during Season 2 to promote his Fall 2014 spin-off. As expected, the comicfans already can’t stand the actor [Grant Gustin] that’s been cast, and although I think he’s the most precious of all the adorables I can totes understand why others may not be thrilled. However my big (and really my only) problem with this situation is: Is it really necessary for another superhero show?

SMALLVILLE, bless its heart, lasted for ten seasons. It was a fantastic run of a [mostly] wonderful show (seasons 6 & 7 did drag quite a bit) and when it ended you felt really good about it. Maybe a little shaky about the resistance and ultimate denial of giving the audience one look at Superman in all his spandex-glory, but confident that Clark Kent was moving on to do great things.

Now, with the emergence of superhero and comic-film branding taking over cinema, the push to bring our heroes to the small screen is growing, and fast. With ARROW debuting last year, it had a pretty slow start but thankfully has blossomed into a show that’s found its feet with a great cast of colorful characters (no thanks to the Lance Ladies), and such deliciously tormented villains that you can’t help but (SPOILERS!) mourn the murder of Mrs. Moira Queen. A believable blend of humans, science and super-powers, ARROW does not leave you wanting. Thus far we’ve had a phenomenal introduction of so many heroes and villains including Deadshot, the Black Canary, Sebastian Blood, Huntress/Helena Bertinelli and let’s never forget the terrifying Clock King (Robert Knepper is the MAN).

ARROW, in combination with AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (as much as possible, anyway) has fulfilled my necessary addictions to superhero drama while I [im]patiently await the next big-budget-blockbuster to come smashing into theatres (I also have a tendency to re-watch films many, many times over which does wonders for the cravings). But now, with the addition of both GOTHAM and THE FLASH hitting our idiot-boxes this fall [Ed. Note: Not to mention POWERS, HEROES 2.0, Marvel’s DEFENDERS, CONSTANTINE, maybe PEGGY CARTER, PREACHER, HOURMAN], I have to wonder when enough will be enough. Now I love super-heroes as much as any nerd, but having them forced on me from every direction is going to wear out its welcome real soon.

For now folks can’t get enough of these caped crusaders, but just like the vampire obsession that’s finally coming to a close after damn near 10 years, pretty soon it’s going to start feeling like we’re beating a dead horse. We’ve got superheroes in movies, on TV, in comics and graphic novels, what’s next? Are we going to start doing radio-spots and audio productions?

Honestly, it almost feels like I’m betraying myself by saying “Enough superheroes!” but the more the studios capitalize on them, the less special they become. Fifteen years ago it was a huge, monumental moment in a geek’s life that the X-Men were getting a live-action film, and now the studios will produce anything they can get their hands on (unless it’s a super-heroine, of course.) Yes, we love the AVENGERS and X-MEN franchises, Nolan’s BATMAN was a trilogy to stop the heart, and I think that with a little (or a lot) more love Snyder’s SUPERMAN could be a fearsome thing to behold… But do we really need every hero ever to get their own show or movie? Where do we draw the line?

Of course I’m going to watch all these new hero shows and I probably couldn’t stop myself from seeing all the upcoming movies even if I tried, but my logic-brain is feeling overwhelmed, angry and disappointed that instead of picking and choosing the best of the best to breathe life into, we’re giving away studio money to characters that don’t really need it. The Flash may be an interesting, dynamic character, but I’m not convinced that he needs his own show. Would I feel differently if that spot was being given to Poison Ivy or any of the four versions of Huntress? Probably, yes. That show would be something new, exciting and courageous; something that people wouldn’t be expecting or even really know that they wanted until it happened [Ed. Note: WB’s BIRDS OF PREY did happen, unfortunately]. It wouldn’t be just another superhero television series, but an introduction to a new breed of comic adaptation that we haven’t seen standing alone in 25 years: namely, the female kind.

But really, the issue here is not about gender of character, it’s about the fact that superheroes are becoming a dime-a-dozen instead of the rare gem they should be, and it’s time to pump the brakes, hang up the cape, and get back to producing original (or just non-comic) media for a little while. It may not be a surefire money-maker, but a little deprivation will go a long way in reinvigorating that crack-cocaine, uncontrollable need for our leather-clad lovers to get back into their suits.

Toss the needle and flush the drugs, y’all. Let’s all take a deep breath (but please don’t hold it) and revisit this superfad of superheroes in a few years’ time.

But what actors or actresses are TV networks missing? What character actors could be stars if given the right vehicle? What underrated funny man could make a big splash on a new sitcom, or remake his career as a dramatic star? What actor are we being deprived of at this very moment?

The answer to that series of questions has a near infinite number of answers, but for the first installment of “BLANK Needs His/Her Own TV Show,” I choose…

Rowan Atkinson.

Most Americans know him solely as Mr. Bean, one of the most annoying (and great) slapstick comic characters of all-time, and a role that has doomed Rowan Atkinson of doing pretty much anything else. JOHNNY ENGLISH doesn’t count and his narcoleptic character in RAT RACE, while hilarious, didn’t do him any favors.

But the man has serious talent, not just for broad comedy, but for sharp, acerbic comedy, with one of the driest wits I’ve seen, shown off time and time again on the vehicle that made him famous in Britain…BLACK ADDER. As the many iterations of Blackadder throughout various time periods and holidays, Rowan Atkinson was pure genius, blessed with a terrific supporting cast (Tony Robinson, I heart you).

If BLACK ADDER aired today, it’d surely be right up there with DOCTOR WHO and SHERLOCK in terms of fandemonium. It was that clever and good. Atkinson, by the way, would’ve been a fantastic Doctor, and even played the Doctor in a TV movie COMIC RELIEF: DOCTOR WHO AND THE CURSE OF FATAL DEATH, seen below:

Rowan Atkinson was the Blackadder on a critically acclaimed series that refuses to be forgotten, over four installments/series, ranging from 1982 to 1989. A year later, BEAN was born.

At the beginning, he was able to parlay his popularity into a movie career, with roles in FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL, LION KING and HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX, but before long, he was only Mr. Bean or Johnny English.

Some people love the characters, and I don’t want to disrespect those people, or Atkinson for those roles. But I think he can do so much more, particularly in the field of drama, by following in the footsteps of one of the key supporting cast members of BLACK ADDER.

That’d be Hugh Laurie, who was merely a loutish King George, rarely displaying the range of Rowan Atkinson on the show. But clearly, the guy had talent, charisma, and the ability to play an asshole, and the Brit’s unparalleled mastery over diction helped him be the kind of smartass doctor the world found out it sort of loved.

Rowan Atkinson has all of those abilities, and it’d be a damn shame for him not to get the vehicle to show them off. In a world where every show the BBC churns out is gold, and beloved in Britain AND in America, it’s a crime that Rowan Atkinson isn’t on one of them, or the front-man of another.

He could dominate as a lead lawyer on whatever new crime/law procedural CBS is churning out next year, or as a clumsy Dad with a heart of gold on a painful sitcom, but I also want more for Rowan.

I want for him to have the sort of stage that Kelsey Grammer received for BOSS, a (flawed) show that hinged almost entirely upon his villainy. But as BOSS and RAKE has shown, people are growing a little tired of one-note jerks. I want something Shakespearean, something BIG, something that isn’t him playing a bumbling anything.

I think Netflix offers a lot of great opportunities, to start, such as a guest stint on HOUSE OF CARDS that pits him against Kevin Spacey, which would be an ideal kick in the pants for his career, while a small but scene-stealing performance in the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT movie (or season 5 or whatever) could showcase his range and boost his cred. I’d also love if he could find a role (any of them) on GAME OF THRONES. Or a villainous turn on SHERLOCK would be perfection. Give him one of the detective slots in the next season of TRUE DETECTIVE (with Tony Robinson). From there, Rowan Atkinson should have the pick of the litter when it comes to lead dramatic (or comedy) roles. He clearly shined when given a chance to recreate history (for sport) on BLACK ADDER, so imagine him as a conniving Iago-type to a King? Or the corrupt King himself? He has Bryan Cranston-like upside, a guy who was primarily known for being a ridiculous Dad on MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE before BREAKING BAD. If given a shot, I think we could finally start loving Rowan Atkinson for another role, and it’d be about damn time.

It’d surely bring forth less terrifying results than this, at least: