Before I begin, I just want to clarify: this isn’t a list of portrayals of actual presidents in films. You’re not going to see Daniel Day-Lewis’ Abraham Lincoln or Frank Langella’s Richard Nixon, or the 53 actors who have played JFK. These are all fake presidents, which should be abundantly clear.

This is specifically for MOVIE presidents. Fictional TV presidents would be an entirely different list, but if you must know, it would have Martin Sheen’s President Bartlet at #2, AFTER Laura Roslin of BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, because I’m the worst. David Palmer of 24/Allstate would be 3rd place.

Many old men in Hollywood have practically made a career of playing the POTUS. If you’re a grizzled character actor with a nice clump of white hair and you ooze authority, you’ve likely played the thankless role of a president in a film.

Ronny Cox  (above) wins the award for most portrayals, with four, including the craptacular 1990 CAPTAIN AMERICA, MARTIANS GO HOME, MURDER AT 1600 and NADIA’S PROMISE. Since MARTIANS GO HOME came out in 1989, he’s played a President in 4 different decades, and is still doing it. NADIA’S PROMISE came out this year.

JAWS’ Roy Scheider played the President three separate times. As did Gregory Harrison. Stanley Anderson (Michael Bay’s first call, for ARMAGEDDON and THE ROCK), Henry Fonda, Louis Gossett Jr., Sam Waterston, Leslie Nielsen, Peter Coyote, Jonathan Pryce and David Rasche have each played a POTUS twice on the big screen.

TRIVIA TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS: Jeff and Beau Bridges aren’t the coolest sibling duo who have both played presidents. That award goes to Dennis and Randy Quaid. Dennis for AMERICAN DREAMZ…

Whereas Randy Quaid had the country in the palm of his hands in the classic MAIL TO THE CHIEF. The movie came out in 2000, six years before Dennis ever sniffed the oval office.

14 years ago, Randy Quaid was playing the President in Disney movies and I thought I’d play for the Kentucky basketball team. Life’s weird. Speaking of…

…Charlie Sheen was the President in MACHETE KILLS.

Eric Roberts was the head of state in FIRST DOG. I don’t want to look that movie up to shatter the illusion of what it is in my head (AIR BUD + White House).

Terry Crews was the President in IDIOCRACY. His name was Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

Robert Rodriguez’s SPY KIDS movies didn’t fuck around. In the second film, Shooter McGavin himself played the President. Then they took a step down in SPY KIDS 3-D, opting for a little guy named George Clooney:

Lame. Far superior was the fake but judicious U.S. population who elected Jack Nicholson to the White House, right before the world became under siege by aliens in MARS ATTACKS!

Is Jack not exactly who we want making the all-important decisions for our country?

PRESIDENT THAT WON’T SNIFF MY BALLOT:

Chris Rock as Mays Gilliam in HEAD OF STATE (2003). I just hate this movie. Maybe I’m just mad that I actually paid to see this one in theaters.

HANGING CHADS/SNUBS (in no particular order):

Michael Douglas (THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT, a redundant title), Kevin Kline (DAVE), John Travolta (PRIMARY COLORS), Alan Alda (CANADIAN BACON), Tim Robbins (AUSTIN POWERS 2: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME), Henry Fonda (FAIL SAFE), Jeff Bridges (THE CONTENDER) and Stephen Colbert (MONSTERS VS. ALIENS). Yeah, I blew it.

5. Billy Bob Thornton as the President, LOVE ACTUALLY (2003)

Billy Bob Thornton exudes sleaze and a stinky odor that can only be described as pure, unadulterated America in the brilliant British romcom. It’s a master stroke of casting, as arrogance and charm seep out of Billy Bob’s pores in this small role. He’s inappropriate with Hugh Grant/the Prime Minister’s squeeze, he’s a bully, presumably a philandering alcoholic, and he’s exactly what the Brits and the rest of the world think of American politicians. And they’re probably right.

I’d still vote for Billy Bob Thornton in a heartbeat.

4. Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck, DEEP IMPACT (1998)

James Earl Jones delivered the first depiction of a black president in THE MAN (1972), although Sammy Davis Jr. dreamed of being the black president as a 7 year old in RUFUS JONES FOR PRESIDENT (1933). You could make a convincing argument that 24, DEEP IMPACT and other pop culture entries featuring black actors as the President paved the way for Barack Obama. It shouldn’t have required that, but Morgan Freeman’s portrayal in DEEP IMPACT might be one of the most influential of its kind. It doesn’t get any more regal, comforting, stately and presidential than “The Voice.”

Like in life, when everything seems lost, or when humanity is on the brink, we need heroes the most. Or at least, that’s what the movies teach us, and in DEEP IMPACT, a comet could destroy the planet. Leave it to Morgan Freeman and his voice to soothe our worries, and lead the way.

3. Peter Sellers as President Merkin Muffley, DR. STRANGELOVE (1964)

In Stanley Kubrick’s hilarious black comedy about the Cold War, nuclear paranoia and the folly of politics, Peter Sellers gets a new high score. He plays three of the main characters, including the titular Dr. Strangelove, a maniacal mad-scientist role that overshadows his Captain Mandrake and…the President.

In DR. STRANGELOVE, Sellers’ President is shocked to discover that the U.S. has ordered a nuclear attack on the Soviet Union, without his permission. He finds himself in an impossible situation, amid a sea of incompetent and unruly advisers in the war room, while not exactly the brightest man himself.

Here are two classic scenes from the movie, though it’s one of those movies where every scene is famous:

2. Harrison Ford as President James Marshall, AIR FORCE ONE (1997)

In the 1990’s, we wanted a President who could kick ass and murder with the best of them. Leave it to Harrison Ford to bring the badass to the Oval Office, as he turns the President (an ex-soldier) into a 90’s action hero in Wolfgang Peterson’s AIR FORCE ONE. It’s honestly one of Ford’s best roles, as he takes down a malicious Gary Oldman and his ring of terrorists WHILE IN FLIGHT. He also delivers arguably the best line from a Fictional Movie President, in a way that only Ford could:

This list will not go quietly into the night…

1. Bill Pullman as President Thomas J. Whitmore, INDEPENDENCE DAY (1996)

There are no words, especially when Bill Pullman stole them all, in probably the greatest movie speech ever:

All of the goosebumps.

So, naturally, it’s my job to come up with more. Or, more accurately, figure out what incredibly talented actors need their own show. This isn’t in lieu of other work, but just something I want, or think should happen, or needs to happen. And considering the crap that the networks consistently push out every pilot season, it’s nice to dream about the alternatives.

Last time around, I spotlighted Rowan Atkinson. This week, I stick to the best acting country in the world.

Alan Rickman might be one of the most decorated and respected actors never to be nominated for an Oscar. I made that up, but it seems right. So while I don’t want that trend to continue, I think we can all agree on one thing.

We need more Alan Rickman in our lives.

Like every week.

His career and body of work has kind of been dominated by a little movie franchise called HARRY POTTER, when he was consistently the best part of every movie as the enigmatic Severus Snape, and helped create fandemonium around his character, before Tom Hiddleston did the same as the villainous Loki. Girls like pale British dudes.

But now that HARRY POTTER has finished, there’s a giant gaping (Snaping?) hole in our lives. One that can be fixed with a leading role on a TV show.

Alan Rickman would and should be able to star in anything he wants, because of his range. While he’ll forever be known as a bad guy thanks to being the best villain in an action movie ever, as Hans Gruber in DIE HARD, there’s more to his repertoire.

There’s also never not a great time to watch the infamous falling scene:

If a hero is only as good as his villains, Hans Gruber proved that rule, as he CREATED John McClane, and made DIE HARD and Bruce Willis’ career. Willis should be buying Rickman a drink every year on the film’s anniversary.

Rickman’s been the villain in ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES, as the naughty Sheriff, and he was a cheating jerk in LOVE ACTUALLY, who broke Emma Thompson’s heart. And that’s something you just don’t do.

But, the guy also has mad comedy chops, as evidenced by his de-genitalized Metatron in Kevin Smith’s DOGMA, and my personal favorite role of his…

Alexander Dane (or Dr. Lazarus) in GALAXY QUEST.

There’s also SENSE AND SENSIBILITY, which if I had either one of those things, I’d have seen by now.

But it always comes back to HARRY POTTER, and anyone who’s read the books or seen the films (so hopefully most all of you) can testify, know the massive character arc that Rickman would have to portray as Severus. And he was beautiful.

Now, obviously I’d want a GALAXY QUEST TV show more than anything (or a Severus Snape HBO TV series), but I’ll use some of his more famous quotes as jumping off points to create random theoretical TV shows, starring He-Needs-A-Sir Alan Rickman.

DIE HARD:

“You’d have made a pretty good cowboy yourself, Hans.” –John McClane

BRILLIANT. Put Alan Rickman in the Old West and he could make Ian McShane blush, whether he’s the cagey Sheriff, the Corrupt Mayor, the man on the Most Wanted poster’s, or the town drunk. Whoever he is (maybe the transvestite hooker?), I want to see that show. I miss DEADWOOD, clearly.

OR he could be the leader of a settlement traveling west across the Oregon Trail, based on the greatest video game of all-time. It’d feature a rip roaring soundtrack from T Bone Burnett, but he’d be overshadowed by two notes every time: Dun Dun! It could even be called “Happy Trails, Hans.”

HARRY POTTER:

“Discipline your mind.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE

This inspires many ideas. Perhaps Rickman is the head of a think tank, or the mastermind of the Manhattan Project. Or, maybe he’s just a therapist with controversial techniques, or a hypnotist who works to help his patients quit smoking, masturbating in public or eating red meat. The possibilities are endless.

“Turn to page 394.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

We’ve seen millions of “teachers who inspire” movies, from STAND AND DELIVER, THE GREAT DEBATERS, DEAD POET’S SOCIETY, FREEDOM WRITERS, COACH CARTER and Matthew Perry’s THE RON CLARK STORY. Most are vaguely to wholly insulting, and they’re all manipulative and self-serving. Who wouldn’t want to be manipulated by Alan Rickman in a “teachers who inspire” TV show that lasts for 14 seasons, with each year packed with up and coming (read: jackass) actors?

Or, the ominous sounding Page 394 is actually a strange dimension, or portal, to another world, and Alan Rickman is the gatekeeper, or the man who discovers it.

“Mister Potter. Our new celebrity.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

Alan Rickman is a greasy member of the paparazzi, and we learn what it takes to navigate the seedy underbelly of Hollywood, as they perform the most thankless (yet important) job in entertainment.

“You ought to be careful. People will think you’re…up to something.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

Yes, cop procedurals make my eyes roll because there are so many of them. But with the right lead, or the right concept, they can still pop. I’d like to see Alan Rickman on the other side of things, as a cop, or a corrupt one toeing the line. Alan Rickman would be an AWESOME detective, and speaking of, HAS to be in the running for a spot on TRUE DETECTIVE season 2.

DOGMA:

Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

How hasn’t this been made into a show? Put Alan Rickman in Wisconsin, witnessing all of the massive and earth-shattering moments that have taken place there. It’s pretty lean until Brett Favre, beer and cheese come to Wisconsin. But…ALAN RICKMAN.

GALAXY QUEST:

“Miners, not MINORS”

It’d be like the controversial and mercifully cancelled KID NATION, only the kids would have to suffer through the noxious and extremely dangerous conditions of mines in this racy reality show. Alan Rickman would host.

Gwen DeMarco: Alex, where are you going?
Sir Alexander Dane: To see if there’s a pub.

Alan Rickman finds a pub. And then he purchases it, and is the grouchy but heart of gold bartender in this generation’s CHEERS. Could also be called HAPPY TRAILS.

Admittedly, I ran out of ideas and pulled some crappy quotes…

…but whatever it is Alan Rickman decides to do, he will be embarking on those aforementioned happy trails, because talent wins out.

By Grabthar’s hammer, by the suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.