In nearly 27 years of existence, I’ve never watched an episode of any Crime Scene Investigation in its entirety. I’m not sure how that’s even possible, and it might not even be true (I may have tried CSI: NY‘s pilot because Gary Sinise), but I consider it one of my crowning pop culture achievements.

I threw it all away last night for the premiere of CBS’ CSI: Cyber, the 137th spin-off of Jerry Bruckheimer’s inane ratings blockbuster that refuses to die, CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.

I did it, because the show stars the Dawson, James Van Der Beek.

Afterwards, all I can say is…poor James Van Der Beek, because I can’t imagine there being a worse CSI than this one.

With “Kidnapping 2.0,” an awful title that indicates the “technology” aspect of the show with the 2.0 (decimal points!), and that this is an all-new, all-different way of kidnapping, a revolutionary new way of solving crime.

It’s not. A baby (his name is Caleb) is taken from a Baltimore home, in full view of the Natal-Cam, with bewildering foreign voices barking from the device. The woman goes ballistic, with the obligatory “Where’s my baby?” and we’re off into the world of insane, glitchy camera work, background EDM music, unnecessary close ups meant to inspire drama and exude cool, all while Patricia Arquette sips from a soda (she’s a night owl!) and opens an e-mail. It’s fucking thrilling, a bizarre concoction for a show tailored to those who can’t replace the batteries in their remote. This mix is surely crafted in Jerry Bruckheimer’s evil lair, the perfect weapon against 76 year old couples nodding off into their metamucil.

The e-mail brings Arquette (AKA Avery Ryan) a case, as she rustles Peter MacNicol out of bed to tell him that THIS IS HER CASE, because it’s technology related. That’s when we learn: any case involving technology goes to the Washington D.C.’s Cyber division. This show, alas, is not about the early days of AIM chatrooms, when middle school boys cyber sexed with random strangers that we’re obviously the hot chicks they claimed to be. She said she was a Wicca.

When an actor goes on CSI, they’re either catching their first break to play a “quirky” side character, a familiar name actor with nothing better to do, or someone looking for something safe, a hit, something to rebuild their cache. But most of all, it’s all about the paycheck. It has to be. Nobody can read the script and think this is going to be a satisfying experience any other way. CSI is sell out central. Let me be clear: I don’t blame anyone for joining on; I’d take a gig on CSI: Fecal Matter in an instant.

So let’s meet the team:

Patricia Arquette is Avery Ryan, who was introduced in the flagship CSI and is the workaholic, haunted FBI leader we’ve seen a billion times before. In less than two weeks, Arquette went from winning an Oscar to saying “desperate people do desperate things” with a straight face.

James Van Der Beek is Elijah Mundo, a name you can tell everyone’s proud of, because he says it every chance he gets. He’s the Soldier Boy (a characterization that gave me happy daydreams of a Van Der Beek starring music video to this), who even on his day off is shooting bad guys…in video games. This is an important trait that comes into play later. He’s the only one who we can reasonably expect to have ever held a gun in their lives, so he’ll do the heavy lifting in every action sequence, the saving grace for those who believe James Van Der Beek is a superhero (or a Power/Ranger). Maybe Van Der Beek is even ashamed of this job, because he’s not even listed on the IMDb page for the pilot episode. While this show will probably last 14 seasons (it got off to a solid ratings start), it’s a depressing development in the Beek’s career. After HIMYM and the incredibly underrated, gone too soon bonkers wonderful Don’t Trust The B—- in Apartment 23, he bounced to Friends With Better Lives, a show I watched even less of than this one. It just feels like he’s given up on being the wacky Dawson with personality, the one who will take risks, this Dawson:

That’s one of many reasons why this show needs to fail. But hey..

Peter MacNicol should be doing one-man puppet shows in Jackson Heights (or Cleveland), or starring in a long-awaited Ally McBeal spinoff. Instead, he’s the exasperated boss for an embarrassingly fake crime division. The best part? His name is SIMON SIFTER. Let’s say it again: SIMON SIFTER.

Neil from Community (Charley Koontz) is Daniel Krumitz, the overweight every-man best whitehat hacker in the world.

There’s of course the punky hot chick that has become a staple ever since NCIS’ Pauley Perrette. Her name is also alliterative: Raven Ramirez. She’s the representative of every ethnicity, and played by Hayley Kiyoko, which is way too close a name to Kaley Cuoco.

Michael Irby reprises his role from Almost Human as most useless member of a crime procedural ensemble.

Finally, there’s Shad Moss, shedding his Bow Wow moniker to become a “legitimate” actor. He plays Brody Nelson, a talented hacker who got taken down by this Cyber team previously, and gets a chance to join the hacker support group rather than spend 5 years in federal prison. But remember: he’s on thin fucking ice. Also, just because he’s a young criminal hacker doesn’t mean he can’t dress fine, and rock a sweet ass suit he shouldn’t reasonably be able to afford in every scene.

The team arrives in Baltimore and initiates “cyber protocol,” which I think just means what you normally do at a crime scene. This is news to Brody Nelson, who’s amazingly referred to consistently as Babyface, because Krumitz needs to remind him to put on gloves. Bow Wow and Neil take way too long to figure out that the Natal-Cam RECORDS video (it’s a camera), meaning they could have footage of the crime. But ALAS, the kidnappers took the SD card with them. “These are smart kidnappers,” Bow Wow observes.

The grieving parents are played by Peyton Manning with glasses and CBS’ version of Madeleine Stowe. We quickly learn that Not-Madeleine Stowe is lying, thanks to “flashes” to her innumerable painfully obvious tells: she’s biting her lip, crossing her shoulders, she’s “sneak talking” on the phone. This, of course, means she’s having an affair, and that the fourth Manning brother is NOT the father.

While we’re observing Arquette’s keen observational skills, a prerequisite for every mind-numbing procedural, James Van Der Beek is casing the building, and getting the best lines: “The security wires are cut.” Then he hears VIDEO GAME NOISES, and investigates! A kid next door is playing Assassinites. Because they’re both gamers, bro, Dawson gets the kid to tell him information about the kidnapping, that he heard tires screeching, there were two people, whatever, which we see in SUPER BADASS FLASHBACKS of a boy in bed turning to his open window. Dawson tells him how to beat level 12 like a boss in return. Because of Dawson’s knowledge of behavior/stereotypes, he quickly assumes that means it’s a 1 man-1 woman team, and the woman is who lifted the baby, the guy the getaway driver, because gender roles.

Back at base, they’re figuring out what these voices mean: they hear Chinese, German, Arabic. The kidnappers have made a mistake, “and mistakes will let us catch them.” A fair presumption to make. Also: Patricia Arquette won an Oscar.

We also get to see some hilarious malware graphics, because viruses come alive on a computer screen and destroy data for our amusement. CSI: Cyber is ripping off Person of Interest with every one of these sequences, but hey it’s a part of the CBS family.

They track the malware to a Baltimore harbor, and the REAL father of the baby, a guy named Bill Hookstraten (great name). And there’s a baby there! Apparently Crying Mother couldn’t leave her husband for him, so she never let him see the baby. So…this father paid $75,000 in CASH (he seems to be a ship mechanic, a job title that lends itself to extra cash) for the baby. BUT: this baby isn’t Caleb. HE DOESN’T HAVE A FRECKLE! Desperate Dad has been played, and is now arrested, because he BOUGHT a baby from two white trash strangers.

But wait, there are TWO babies now? This means it’s a baby kidnapping conspiracy guys.

Patricia Arquette changes the new baby’s diapers, AND finds a fingerprint of one of the kidnappers on the diaper, all while speaking in baby talk to Un-Caleb. It’s the clip they will show for her Golden Globe nomination. They get a match on Vicky Shala (Rae Gray), a low level criminal “lush.”

To track down these kidnappers, Raven and Bow Wow peruse a Facebook equivalent, and are remarkably impressed with themselves that they can track down Vicky’s partner in crime/boyfriend Ricky on the social media site, and also a picture of his car/the getaway vehicle. They even high-five afterwards, as if they did something that isn’t a quarter as impressive as your average Facebook stalk. Everyone can do Raven’s job, except for the audience of CSI: Cyber. The only way CSI: Cyber might seem new or “hi-tech” is if anyone watching the show has never used a computer.

So they’ve ID’d the kidnappers, know the vehicle they’re searching for, and have narrowed down their possible location to a circle on a computer screen. But how can they narrow it down even further? Never fear, Arquette is here: “Evolutionary survival skills will instinctually lead them to higher ground.”

They track them to a bar in the mountains, and they’re both drunk morons with cash in their trunk (but no baby!), and quickly get shot down by a biker. He doesn’t get far, because Elijah Mundo is there and he plays video games, so he can run after dirt bikes and shoot them down. He’s an Assassinite, yo. When he calls it in, he remarks that he’s okay, but the other guy “will need a body bag.” Dawson is a stone cold killer.

But what about these voices on the Nato-Cam, you ask? That seems important. You’d be right! It turns out, in one of two things that I found to be a clever concept in this pilot, that these foreign voices are BIDDING! It’s an online baby auction, y’all!

Peter MacNicol comments on the oh-so-IRONIC nature of this case: “These parents bought the baby cam to protect their child, and it’s what gets them captured.” Janosz, what has happened?

We all know adoption processes are unbearable these days; it’s like the DMV of…getting babies. It’s so bad that people will pay 6 figures for kids on the black market (“Desperate people do desperate things,” remember?). I think all babies should be bought in an auction, because nothing proves their love and commitment to parenting than the amount of money they’re willing to spend.

But wait! 2 more babies have been taken. The plot thickens/exists. Neil from Community gets shipped to Nato-Cam’s HQ in Chicago, where their tech guy basically says: “Yes, I know they’re easy to hack, I went upstairs to the bosses and they didn’t care.” You’d think this would indicate that Nato-Cam is in on it, but nope, they allowed 45,000 cameras to be corrupted because it would affect their bottom line, or one would assume, since it’s never followed up on. CSI: Cyber is filled with social commentary if you can arbitrarily create it yourself.

Michael Irby’s Dr. Ortega arrives in DC, looking like an extra from NCIS, and has “virtually teleported” the bodies of Vicky, Ricky and the dead biker assassin. This means we get Iron Man-like visuals of the skeletons, and Irby zooms in on Vicky’s: there are incisions on her silicone breasts! This means she was a drug mule who transported drugs in her fake boobs, the other (and last) incredible thing in this episode, and surely the sequel to Lucy.

The real kidnapper is panicking, so he sends a threat through the Gamer Kid’s video game: a video of crying Caleb, promising he’ll kill the baby if they don’t give up or whatever. It’s an “intimidation tactic,” Arquette tells us. Thankfully, all game consoles have pedophile protection (I feel like everything should come with pedophile protection), Neil explains, which means we can TRACK DOWN THE KIDNAPPER!

It all leads, as all things inevitably do, to a warehouse in Paterson, NJ. This is when Dawson gets another shining moment. Arquette gives him a bright green ball, that’s really a bouncing camera. “You better not fuck it up,” she basically says, and Dawson, like the failed MLB prospect he surely wasn’t, hurtles the ball through an open window, a perfect throw, giving the FBI a glimpse at the setup just long enough, to BURST IN, guns a blazing.

Dawson takes them all down, basically, because again, he’s the only one who can. Thanks again to Arquette’s Mentalist powers, she quickly determines the ring leader based on the lineup of tattooed thugs’ eye contact.

They’ve found their creepy baby selling stronghold, but they can’t hack into it for a billion years, because it has a 20 digit alphanumeric password. This seems wrong, but luckily, as Arquette makes an arguably racist assumption: these guys can’t remember 20 digits! And of course, the Big Bad’s various tattoos commemorating family and friend’s deaths have numbers, 20 IN FACT.

It’s all up to Bow Wow now, and time is off the essence. CALEB IS STILL OUT THERE. A BABY NEEDS SAVING. What does Bow Wow do? What he was put on God’s green earth to do: he HACK-RAPS!

Seriously! YES BABY FACE YOU BEAUTIFUL BRILLIANT BASTARD! “What are you doing,” Asian-Cuoco asks. “I think better when I talk in rhyme.” This is the moment when CSI: Cyber soars beyond any other show we’ve yet had the pleasure to witness. This is the show they should’ve made: THE RAPPING HACKER!

But we don’t get to languish in the glory of the Like Mike actor finding his true calling for long. We have a car chase with a baby in the back seat to witness, and it’s terrifying. The FBI trap and corner the car, but the wild-eyed kidnapper driver plunges the car into an unfortunate lake.

But the Beek is in the same zip code. He jumps in after the car, now completely submerged, and shatters the car window (on his second try). He brings the American Sniper baby up for air, leaving the two kidnappers to Cthulhu. Because he knows only a woman can do it (we established this earlier), he hands Caleb off to Arquette. “HE’S NOT BREATHING!” And that’s when we see Arquette give CPR to a baby, and it’s miraculous, and the day is saved.

Arquette returns the baby to the bespectacled Manning who is entirely too okay with the fact that the real father of his baby is a guy who would pay $75K to have him stolen. The Mom mentions that she’s never going to let him go, and Arquette gives her a stern look and the ultimate guilt trip: “I think other people would like to hold that baby.” Is she referencing Manning? Or Caleb’s real Desperate Dad who’s in jail? Who cares: the gauntlet has been thrown. FEEL GUILTY Madeleine Nowe.

Off screen, of course, the rest of the babies have been recovered, the other tweaker kidnappers taken down. We don’t see it, but I assume Dawson had to jump into several more lakes to save them. The group has the prototypical bubbly “time to get a drink” moment after a tough day’s work. But remember, Peter MacNicol Simon Sifter tells them/the world: IT ALL STARTS AGAIN TOMORROW. AHHHHHHHH.

Before it ends, Bow Wow gets a hugely satisfying moment with Arquette, wondering “Why me?” BECAUSE YOU’RE BOW WOW, AND GET BACK TO RHYMING. This is when we get the all-important tortured past angle for Avery Ryan/Arquette: the why-she-does it. And it goes back to the beginning of the internet, when a hacker had medical files stolen, a client was murdered and she lost her job. She believes that if she can turn a hacker, even if it’s just one by one, something like that can never happen again. This has the unfortunate stench of turning her into a Great White Savior, the potential for this show to turn into Dangerous Minds for hackers, which still sounds like a better show than what we’ve got, considering all the potential guest stars we could get opposite Bow Wow.

Bow Wow asks if Arquette’s getting a drink with the rest of them. Of course not. Instead, every night she thinks about how she’s going to catch him (of course it’s a him), Hacker Zero. She does this intense thinking on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, her intensity so intense that nobody else is near one of the most tourist-heavy spots in the country, because there’s nothing subtle about this ridiculous, stupid show.

Chris Hardwick is the moderator for Deliver Us From Evil, which makes me so erect for Comic-Con, and honestly, automatically makes this panel a must-watch. He’s the best moderator in the business.

Director Scott Derrickson (Sinister, Exorcism of Emily Rose) is brought to the stage. We quickly learn that Scott and Olivia Munn did a beer chugging challenge backstage…and Scott won. This happened 30 seconds ago. Dayum, I’m so jealous.

Then we get to see a clip, which is essentially a 5 and a half minute trailer, with material that mostly has not been shown anywhere. Scott says it’s a good representation of the movie. The film is based on the life of Ralph Sarchie, an undercover police sergeant who worked in the most dangerous square mile in America, and then became embroiled in the supernatural. The book upon which the film is based can be found here.

The clip is very Sinister and Blumhouse Productions-y. The highlight is definitely a horrifying owl stuffed animal that moves of its own accord (above). Because owls are terrifying/awesome. Afterwards, we’re introduced to the guests, and boy, this panel has some of the best guests of any all weekend. First there’s super producer Jerry Bruckheimer (okay whatever), THEN Joel McHale, Olivia Munn, Edgar Ramirez and Eric Bana. YES. All of the Yesses.

The panel immediately gets off on the right/wrong foot, when a guy yells that he loves Olivia Munn, to which she quickly responds: “I don’t know you.” Hardwick mentions that she could totally hook up with that guy. Munn says she’s down, but asks: “How big is it?” Then she asks how big Chris Hardwick’s dick is. This panel is gonna rule, because Olivia has just chugged a beer, and everyone is on comedic point.

How did they get involved with the film?

Eric Bana was introduced to the film by the script, and he loved it, and wanted to play Ralph Sarchie, no matter what the genre.

Chris Hardwick is superstitious: “If I’m in a devil possession movie, I feel like I’ll be possessed by the devil.” Did that notion scare Eric Bana? Eric was a skeptic to start, which was handy while filming. Then Scott and Sarchie gave Eric some terrifying footage, that apparently scared him for weeks, which in turn, also helped shooting the movie.

Edgar Ramirez plays a priest who’s based on two real people. Edgar was raised Catholic, and familiar with the symbolism in the movie. He watched The Exorcist as an accident when he was six years old, and had to sleep with the lights on for the next two years. Now his lights are on again since they made Deliver Us From Evil. For him, it was like facing those fears from his childhood.

Hardwick loves the idea that if the lights are on, the devil will shy away…Like, oh no, it’s not worth it, a hilarious observation. The lights won’t stop the devil, children.

Why did Olivia Munn get involved, and what’s her character’s deal? Again, she’s ready for a joke (that might not be a joke): “The only reason I signed onto the movie” was to play Eric’s wife. She’s a “believer,” (not a trace, or doubt in my mind) but that wasn’t the important part of it to her. For Olivia, it was to create a nice and inviting home base to show what Sarchie has to lose.

Chris asks the panel if there are light moments between takes, or if they’re serious on set because it’s a horror flick. Olivia quickly responds that there are fluffy moments, as “we have a lot of comedic actors in this film, but not Joel.” To which Joel agreed resolutely/hilariously. Then Eric told Olivia that he saw this illustrious evil footage, and couldn’t sleep for three weeks. That put a damper on things. Eric didn’t want Olivia to see it, so she of course had to, and couldn’t get through it. She cried while watching it. Now WE ALL WANT TO SEE IT.

But apparently you can’t find footage online (“What do you mean it’s not on YouTube?”). Munn: “The internet will let you down, but Scott won’t.”

The conversation drifts to…Joel McHale and #sixseasonsandamovie. “I play Jeff Winger in this movie,” McHale jokes. His character is “very concerned about his uniform the entire time.” Amazing. We learn that Joel has been friends with Scott for a long time, and that he took pity on me, and wrote this role with “me in mind” (“pedophile”). Apparently Joel has a large knife collection, and so does his character in the movie. Olivia asks if that’s legit. “Yeah, come over.” Joel’s character, Butler, isn’t a nice man. It’ll be exciting to see different shades of Joel McHale on screen.

For the role, Joel learned a deadly version of Filipino knife fighting, which Joel McHale likens to a “type of murder.” Chris Hardwick and Joel McHale on a panel together…is the best.

The subject of playing a real person comes up. Eric spent a lot of time with Ralph Sarchie, though he didn’t have a choice. Sarchie was there from day 1, even around for the table reads, before Eric even had developed an accent. Ralph gave Eric a note the first day, and Eric told him not to pay any attention to him that night, and Sarchie took it in stride. From there, they became friends. There were some times when Sarchie wouldn’t come, because he didn’t want to see what they were filming that day (because his acting was so bad, Bana jokes). Eric had a thousand questions to ask Sarchie, but this time around, he shut his mouth and just listened to him, and saw other cops dealt with him. It was better to observe than pepper him with questions.

Edgar is also bringing a real person to life, though he didn’t have access to them, like Eric did. Edgar is always philosophical, so he said: “You can’t imitate life,” and their job is to recreate it.

Fan question time!

Has Scott ever witnessed a real-life exorcism?
No, he’s seen a ton of footage and talked with people who have had experiences, but he’s never seen one in real life, and “I don’t particularly want to.”

Does Ralph Sarchie have a cameo in the movie?
Scott lobbied for it, but Sarchie absolutely refused. “Ralph’s a very complicated guy. There was something about it that seemed like it’d be ego driven. I think he wanted to do it” so because of that, Sarchie made sure that he didn’t. Ralph’s apparently doing really well with becoming a movie character. Scott is appreciative that he’s letting them do what they’ve done. Sarchie also helped make sure that the police were properly represented in the film, so he was on set for practical reasons. He did a great job of not getting in the way of the creative process.

Dick size is brought up again. Munn jokes that Jerry Bruckheimer won’t bring them anywhere again.

Joel is asked if he’s trying to step more into films, and dramas. Comedy brought him access to the business, but he used to play different roles, and he’s “over the moon about the opportunity and thrilled by the character.” McHale calls it the best time he’s ever had acting. Scott was one of the first friends Joel made when he moved from Seattle to Hollywood, and now their families are friends.

Creepily enough, Scott Derrickson knows a test question designed by the FBI to identify serial killers, and Scott has asked 45 different people…and Joel is the only person to answer it correctly. Eerie.

This blew my mind: Eric Bana was known in Australia for his comic chops, working as a stand up comedian and hosting his own sketch show. Eric doesn’t miss stand up (he’s too lazy nowadays), but misses sketch comedy, because that part of your brain never goes away, even if it’s been over a dozen years ago since he did it. Get this guy on SNL and Funnyordie. Scott reveals that he has a 7-8 minute improv reel of Eric and Joel driving in a car…and this NEEDS TO EXIST AND BE ONLINE RIGHT THIS MOMENT. It’ll be in the damn trending spot on FB in minutes.

Will Joel do a spoof of Deliver Us From Evil on The Soup? It’d be up to the cast, he responds, to which Olivia Munn immediately states: “I’m busy.” And that’s that, even if it was a joke.

Do they ever get stressed working together? “I am delightful,” Olivia Munn says. And we all believe her. Apparently they all get along, and sometimes that isn’t the case on a movie set, which is the least surprising nugget of information I “uncovered” this week. They managed to rise above the grueling weather and conditions, thanks to their chemistry.

Hardwick asks Bruckheimer a question, because he might fall asleep: How do you know when you have right mix? “You don’t, and I’ve been doing it for forty years.” Thanks Jerry.

How did the crazy/scary footage change their beliefs, if any?
Eric doesn’t care where it comes from, but he witnessed people going through real suffering, and that’s what scared and moved him. Olivia was raised Christian, but something in 2010 caused her not to believe anymore. After she saw the videos, this made her have questions, and she visited a Long Island medium. Now she’s a believer, after seeing this different kind of otherworldly suffering.

How much of the movie uses practical FX as opposed to CGI?
Scott tries to make it real whenever possible, because if it’s real, it’ll look better. No $#*@. It’s not a heavy CG movie, and relies more on the story and characters, which is nice, but also what every director should say. Scott says that British actor Sean Harris was the conduit for the movie, like Jennifer Carpenter in Emily Rose. I couldn’t really tell you what that means, but it sounded interesting.

How does being in a horror movie affect you? What did you take away from the film? 

Scott: His own growth as a filmmaker; the DP pushed him to learn new ways of lighting and other techniques, and took note of the unrelenting will that Jerry Bruckheimer has to make things better.

Bana: It’s a big and complicated subject, and awesome dinner party conversation.

Ramirez: Insert something soulful here about helping people.

Munn: Her Long Island medium.

McHale: To work with his best friend Scott and to see him work and be his element. Most of his scenes are with Eric, and he’s a true movie star, and “to look like him and be able to act…” makes me hate him. He also learned how awesome Jerry Bruckheimer’s hair is, because that needed to be said. Thank you Joel, and thank you for one of the most entertaining panels of WonderCon. If you can judge a movie by the back and forth between its cast…then Deliver Us From Evil will be a good one.

It’s coming July 2nd, 2014. Ralph Sarchie’s book is on Amazon, and so is pastor Don Basham’s.

Crossovers have long been a part of the TV landscape. Most recently, Jerry Bruckheimer Productions has shuffled its cast of “characters” between COLD CASE and CSI: NY, or various combinations of CSI, CSI: MIAMI and CSI: NY. CSI & WITHOUT A TRACE also got in on the action.

But they’ve been around for a long time. Green Hornet and Kato appeared on an episode of Adam West and Burt Ward’s BATMAN. Characters from practically every crew in STAR TREK have met each other at one star date or another. Many shows have concluded storylines on other shows, like Andy Griffith on DIAGNOSIS: MURDER.

Can I beeee on any more shows?

90’s sitcoms featured a treasure trove of crossovers, as Chandler Bing of FRIENDS fame appeared on a show called CAROLINE IN THE CITY, and Lea Thompson (the titular Caroline) also made it on FRIENDS. Ross Gellar showed up on an episode of THE SINGLE GUY, which seems about right.

Kramer showed up on MAD ABOUT YOU. Carl Reiner reprised his role of Alan Brady from the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW on MAD ABOUT YOU. Phoebe’s twin sister Ursula (from FRIENDS) started as a character on MAD ABOUT YOU. Helen Hunt and MAD ABOUT YOU got around.

CHEERS & WINGS had a symbiotic relationship. Dr. Crane appeared on the JOHN LARROQUETE SHOW. Steve Urkel checked into FULL HOUSE and STEP BY STEP and John Stamos plays himself in STEP BY STEP, potentially forever altering the space-time continuum in the process.

Ray Romano and Kevin James have both appeared on their counterpart’s respective shows. Ray Barone (which is apparently Ray’s last name in EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND) appeared on COSBY, THE NANNY and BECKER. Everybody truly loved Raymond.

While we’re clearly living in a golden age of TV, the 80’s and 90’s were a magical time, but the fun doesn’t stop there.

The holy trinity was achieved much later, in the deplorable 00’s, by the Disney Channel when HANNAH MONTANA, THAT’S SO RAVEN and THE SUITE LIFE OF ZACK & CODY merged for an ungodly episode called “That’s So Suite Life of Hannah Montana.”

I can’t go a few minutes without mentioning something related to Joss Whedon, and his vampire shows ANGEL and BUFFY featured many of the same characters popping in and out and storylines that directly affected the other. Beyond that, Whedonites will tell you that the entire Whedonverse is connected.

There are a billion more (especially when you expand the net to include spinoffs or animated shows), but why isn’t there a network dedicated to it? Why aren’t producers and their production companies teaming up to produce seamless hours of interconnected, Easter Egg laden entertainment?

It’s exhausting, expensive, and likely, implausible in many respects. But…come on.

This year, Jason Katims has staged a little fun with his three TV shows on NBC: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, PARENTHOOD and ABOUT A BOY, highlighting the promise and potential.

Even before Katims staged an “official” crossover between FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS and PARENTHOOD, the shows were very much similar in mood, tone and actors. Almost every time a story necessitated a recurring guest star, Katims simply borrowed from his FNL alumni, oftentimes recycling their skillset or going against the grain, but always to comedic/wonderful effect.

Then “Friday Night at the Luncheonette” happened where Dillon, TX traveled to Berkeley, CA for a performance of Crucifictorious, the (3rd) greatest fictional band of all-time (Random Rankings column coming soon!). Amber (Mae Whitman) is manning the Luncheonette, Crosby and Adam’s recording studio, when LanceLandry shows up with the band and tears the place down with their set, thanks to Billy Riggins and a bunch of beer. It’s beautiful, hilarious bliss to see these characters again, mingling with Amber and Max.

Here’s the whole thing:

Jason Katims didn’t stop there. When ABOUT A BOY, NBC’s newest schmaltzy comedy that stars David Walton and Minnie Driver, premiered on February 22nd, the circle expanded further, another Katims Konnection. In fact, it existed already HAVING a crossover, as star David Walton had a cameo in a poker game on a previous episode of PARENTHOOD:

That’s Walton almost not in the shot on the right. Turnabout is fair play, however, as PARENTHOOD’s Crosby (Dax Shepard; we see the back of his head in the above shot) appears in ABOUT A BOY in Will Freeman’s very own poker game.

What can we derive from this? Jason Katims likes poker, the Bay Area (both shows are set in the SF area) and that he has fun playing with the audience a little bit. Here’s how Katims described the happenstance to EW:

“The one that aired on Parenthood was so subtle because people don’t know [About a Boy] yet, but I kinda liked that — not say anything about it and putting it out there,” Katims said. “When Dax comes on to About a Boy it will be very different. It’s going to be a cameo. It won’t be what the episode is going to be about. We’re doing it in ways that feel real and organic to the shows…I’ve never done anything like that before…it seemed like a natural thing to do.”

I’m not sure he can say that he’s never done anything like that before, considering what we already know about the incestuous relationship between FNL and PARENTHOOD, but I believe him when he says that it’s just a one and done thing.

But why should it be?

Cardigans.

Why are superhero movies, and in particular, the incestuous (in a good way) Marvel Cinematic Universe films, the only piece of popular entertainment that can crossover? The same benefits apply to any other show. In fact, you could argue the benefits might be even bigger for TV.

In this day and age, nobody watches a particular network out of loyalty or habit, unless they’re 67 years old and incapable of watching anything that doesn’t have a CSI or NCIS or L&O in the title. By creating an expanded universe within a roster of specific shows, and utilizing web series and webisodes and exclusive content online, a network rewards fandom, and gives viewers that watch more than one of their shows a certain cache. It incentivizes the relationship between TV and consumer, and rewards multiple viewings, plays into the DVR crowd, and will spark debate and fanfare in an age dominated by that very thing.

In the comic book world, it’s why Marvel and DC continually piss fanboys off by whipping up company wide crossovers year after year, and why fanboys always buy them. Because they’re inherently cool, whether they blow or not, because they have ramifications and you won’t want to be left out in the cold watching THAT 70’S SHOW reruns (though there are worse fates).

It’s certainly a lot more effort, and money (actors wanna be paid, yo), but the upside is tremendous, as evidenced by the number of articles and interest that came out of just these crossovers, and these shows are low rated chump change in the scheme of things. Going further with this idea would also promote cohesion among writers and producers and this sort of collaboration would likely increase the quality of TV thanks to the old adage of friendly competition. You don’t want to be the one who doesn’t know how to write Ron Swanson, or doesn’t use him correctly, when he pops on CHICAGO FIRE to save the day with his homemade fire hose.

Speaking of, NBC’s crossovers don’t just revolve around Jason Katims. LAW & ORDER creator Dick Wolf is also getting in on the fun, with CHICAGO FIRE, CHICAGO PD and soon, LAW & ORDER: SVU, swapping characters. Therein lies the rub: most shows can only crossover if they share the same producer or creator or at the very least, production company. Hollywood’s needlessly complicated that way. Two shows might very well air on FOX on the same night, but they might be partially owned by different studios, or filmed on a Sony Studios lot, or in Vancouver.

It’d take a concentrated effort, a regime change, or a brand new network starting from scratch to pull this off. Or a network with nothing to lose and the infrastructure already intact. Go to Vancouver, and you’ll find that that’s where EVERY CW show is shot, and considering ARROW, TOMORROW PEOPLE and FLASH (with the potential for BIRDS OF PREY and SUICIDE SQUAD out there) already share the superhero DNA (with FLASH literally being an ARROW spinoff), the CW is halfway there. And if they can somehow make ARROW viewers watch HART OF DIXIE because Diggle shows up to bang Rachel Bilson, and find a way to merge these combating audiences (though ARROW is pretty much a soap opera with tights 87% of the time), CW is all of a sudden a buzzy network.

That’s an awful, lame example, but imagine an age when Stephen Amell’s Ollie could pop in on FOX’s GOTHAM, or NBC’s CONSTANTINE, or AMC’s PREACHER? Some of that sounds awful, but who knows? Networks will never allow this to happen, mind you, but this sort of bold maneuver might be exactly what they need to compete with cable and the myriad of online avenues for original content. It’d also send fan fiction writers into a tizzy.

Think about it, and in the comments, give me some of your dream TV crossovers!