To celebrate the Fourth of July, I present AN AMERICAN TAIL: FIEVEL GOES WEST. What’s more American than FIEVEL GOES WEST?! As stated in BROOKLYN NINE-NINE, Fievel’s journey parallels the story of America. In AN AMERICAN TAIL (1986), the patron saint of childhood movies Don Bluth, painted a tragic and ultimately uplifting portrait of an emigrant Jewish-Russian family coming to America/the “New World” to seek greener pastures and greater opportunities. In its sequel, directors Simon Wells and Phil Nibbelink (WE’RE BACK!, y’all) detail the arduous journey of families moving westward, again tantalized by the versatile and propagandistic American Dream. You don’t need Admiral Ackbar to tell you that IT’S A TRAP, and Fievel, Papa, Mama, Tanya fall right into it.

Essentially, the Mousekewitz family have fallen on hard times in the big city, fighting for scraps and struggling to find work. So naturally they fall under the spell of a painfully obvious puppet, telling all the mice of opportunity in the West. Fievel’s ecstatic, because like every other kid, has fantasized about being a cowboy in the Wild West, and idolizes Wylie Burp, a drunken amalgamation of every famous cowboy ever. Little do they and Tiger (the all-timer Dom DeLuise as a mix between the Cowardly Lion and Barf from SPACEBALLS) know the mice are unwittingly traveling west to become dinner for Cat R. Waul (John Cleese, ladies and gentlemen) and his drooling feline henchman, an elaborate plan for “mouse burgers.” Why doesn’t Cat R. Waul and company just eat the mice when he has them all in one place listening to the creepy marionette’s spiel about the west? Well, because there’d be no movie, and it’d make too much sense.

It’d also rob us of seeing the old and drunk sheriff of Green River, the formerly great Wylie Burp. He’s voiced by Jimmy Stewart in his final and 17th most indelible role. There’s no doubt that J-J-Ja-Jimmy Stewart is one of the greatest treasures of America, and he’s no less wonderful and magical as a drunk dog sheriff, a testament to him, Amblimation and this classic film. Considering he made a name for himself in Western’s, it’s fitting for this final heroic and redemptive tale to be his swansong. Is there a better or more poignant last line for Stewart to utter than “If you ride yonder, head up, eyes steady, heart open, I think one day you’ll find that you’re the hero you’ve been looking for.” Feels. One man’s sunset is another man’s dawn.

Tiger follows his mice friends west, because why not? Miss Kitty (Amy Irving, the tramp above) dumped his ass because she’s looking for “a cat that’s more like a dog.” This is hilarious on all kinds of levels. When cat lovers describe their cat as being like a dog (like that’s a big deal and worth celebrating), I always want to yell at them: GET A DOG if you want something to act like a dog. We all know that dogs rule and cats drool. But it’s even weirder when a cat is the one saying it. Even cats don’t like themselves, or perhaps Miss Kitty just wants inter-species sex, and who can blame that minx for wanting to see what else is out there.

Along the way, Fievel gets separated from his family AGAIN, because he’s on a mission to break Mama and Papa’s hearts into a million pieces. Seriously, I have no idea why they haven’t died of sorrow. It’s a testament to the Mousekewitz’s perseverance and faith, emblematic of the American emigrant. It’s heartbreaking to see Fievel on his own AGAIN, his family mourning his loss AGAIN, and Tiger also lost in the unforgiving dry desert.

Tiger also gets some of the most bizarre facial expressions ever depicted in film:

Dollop on a racist depiction of “mouse Indians” who worship Fievel, a very impressive/convenient tumbleweed that takes Fievel to Green River in incredibly quick fashion, and a very disturbing sexualized version of Tanya, a mouse who’s probably the equivalent of like 10-11 in the sea of massive adult cats, and you have FIEVEL GOES WEST. Plus, the whole cats need to be dogs to be successful thing comes full circle, when Wylie Burp makes Tiger his deputy, in order to save the mice of Green River from Cat R. Waul, T.R. Chula (Jon Lovitz, represent), Frenchy and company. It’s the stuff film historians will be talking about for….forever.

Before I forget, here’s Tanya KILLING IT, with “Dreams to Dream”:

It’s no “Somewhere Out There,” but it’ll do.

The weirdest moment of the film has to be when a human woman grabs a cat, yells “Pussy!” and then puts the cat between her boobs. WHAT?!

Because a Disney movie from our childhood wouldn’t be complete without drinking, let’s get to the rules:

1. Drink for every Tanya song. Double it if the song saves Fievel’s life.

2. Sip whenever Fievel gets separated from his family, or Tiger.

3. Whenever Wylie Burp burps, drink.

4. Drink every time anyone tells Tiger he has to be more like a dog. This is the terrifying result of that transformation:

5. Take a drink for every tumbleweed!

6. Hell, drink for every Western cliche.

7. Drink for every different species of animal. You might think that just means cat, dog, mouse. You’d be wrong. Pay careful attention to the fateful cross-country tumbleweed scene. Bonus: Drink for cat/dog racism.

8. Whenever Fievel’s hat goes over his eyes, or he adjusts it, or it changes from western hat to emigrant hat, drink.

9. Drink whenever Wylie’s Sheriff badge glints in the sunlight or is adjusted.

10. Take a swill for every cat or dog or mouse pun/joke, ie. “..Look at what the cat dragged in…”

11. Whenever Fievel or Wylie Burp or someone blows their gun after they fire, because that’s what cowboys do in the west.

Expert Edition: Drink whenever Cat R. Waul or any of the other cats almost eat a mouse.

At this point during SEVEN INCHES OF YOUR TIME’s brief tenure as a staple for nothing, director Don Bluth, along with owls and Edward James Olmos, have practically become the idols to whom we worship.

Don Bluth burst onto the directorial scene with THE SECRET OF NIMH in 1982, intent on combining owls and terror for the next 20 years of his film career. His resume includes AN AMERICAN TAIL, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN, ROCK-A-DOODLE, THUMBELINA, ANASTASIA and TITAN A.E. (which I recommend watching whilst gorging on pot brownies). But one movie looms over the rest of them…thanks to a litany of longneck’s.

That would be LAND BEFORE TIME (1988), a childhood classic that is now known as what kicked off a franchise that overstayed its welcome thanks to its 43 sequels. It’s easy to forget how important, sad and poignant a film the first one was, and considering Don Bluth’s track record, it’s hard to discount his part in creating a movie that will make you laugh, cry, shriek and learn the benefits of racism.

Don Bluth had some help behind the scenes, as LAND BEFORE TIME had more muscle behind it than any other movie that’s ever been made. The powerhouse of producers includes arguably the most powerful couple in Hollywood, Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall, who acted as co-executive producers, along with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, who also produced the project. You thought INDIANA JONES was George and Steve’s best collaboration, but you were wrong.

LAND BEFORE TIME is only 69 minutes long, but it packs more emotional wallop than an entire season of REBA. Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) is our host for the movie’s entirety, narrating the tale of five baby dinosaurs forced to grow up without parents mere minutes after being born, while facing the terrors of prehistoric times. There’s Littlefoot (Gabriel Damon), a Brontosaurus who watches his mother get murdered by a Sharptooth (T-Rex). Cera (Candace Hutson) is a headstrong triceratops separated from her father, Daddy Topps (the greatest Daddy character name this side of Daddy Warbucks), and won’t let you forget it. There’s the wise Rooter (also voiced by MVP Pat Hingle), who has giant Circus Peanuts for eyebrows:

Then there’s breakout (tree)star Ducky, who you either find to be the cutest dinosaur you’ve ever seen, or want to flush down the toilet.

Your heartless if it’s the latter, but I’d forgive you if you find Petrie, the hyper-sensitive, scaredy cat pterodactyl Petrie, annoying. I prefer Robin Williams’ Batty Koda myself.

Lastly there’s Spike, who’s basically an even more mute Eeyore. Together, the five orphans must travel to the Great Valley in hopes of finding more of their kind, and learning that segregation/dino-racism is bad.

Of the 12 direct-to-video sequels, none of the rest included Don Bluth, George Lucas or Steven Spielberg’s involvement. It’s hard to believe Lucas wasn’t involved in the sequelitis, but perhaps he rightfully recognized LAND BEFORE TIME as his crowning achievement, and didn’t want to fuck it up further like he did with Indy or STAR WARS.

THE LAND BEFORE TIME is nightmarish, forcing kids to come to grip with the possibility of life without their parents at a frightfully young age, but it has a powerful message: that with friends, you can accomplish anything, and beat the Sharptooth’s of the world. You’ll also learn to blame yourself for personal tragedy, but at least this time, Littlefoot has a point. It’s totally his fault his Mom died. Don’t wake up a T-Rex.

You’ll be bawling like Ducky and Spike:

I mean, COME ON:

Wanna cry more? Judith Barsi, who provides the adorable voice to Ducky, died when she was ten years old.

….Ready to drink? I thought so. Without further ado, I present…

THE LAND BEFORE TIME DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Every time Cera’s a bitch, drink.

2. Drink every time Ducky makes an annoying/endearing noise. Yep yep yep.

3. I spy, with my little eye, a dinosaur egg. Your reward? Sip dat drank.

4. Drink every time the gang is in danger.

5. And while you’re at it, drink for every different type of dinosaur.

6. Have a sip for every flashback.

7. Drink when a character says something racist (“You can’t play with longnecks”). I don’t recommend screaming “Longneck bitch!” out loud during the proceedings. You’ll be sleeping on the couch.

8. Any time Petrie is afraid, drink. Double it if you are, because this shit is terrifying.

9. Yay, a TREE STAR! Quaff your beer. Be honest, you still get a tingly when you think about the magic of tree stars.

10. Drink when parents are openly concerned about their children.

11. Drink away your sorrows whenever you cry. It’ll happen.

And that’s it. But don’t cry. The beauty of THE LAND BEFORE TIME is that there are 12 MORE SEQUELS TO ENJOY. I can’t wait for THE LAND BEFORE TIME XIII: THE WISDOM OF FRIENDS. It sounds particularly inspiring and wise. With any luck, the franchise will continue, promising an infinite number of drinking games to enjoy.

THE “GET EXTINCT” EDITION: Just soldier on to the Great Valley and drink your way through more than one sequel in a night. Be sure to have a lot of Tree Star’s on the side. 

In a decade dominated by classic animated tales of love, heartbreak and song, it’s easy to forget ROCK-A-DOODLE (1991), a musical fable that features all three in giant doses.

The film comes from Don Bluth, who isn’t a member of the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT family but the director who shaped an entire generation’s childhood. This man was granted the arduous task of following Walt Disney, and ended up directing AN AMERICAN TAIL. THE LAND BEFORE TIME. ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN. THUMBELINA. A TROLL IN CENTRAL PARK. ANASTASIA. Hell, even TITAN A.E. (which should totally be enjoyed with some magic brownies). The man is a legend, an under-appreciated conductor of childhood reverie. College age students everywhere pop in their VHS tapes ironically and get hammered to these films, while younger generations hopefully get to discover them every year. Because they’re worthy.

ROCK-A-DOODLE, for those that don’t know, or can’t guess by the title, is about a rollicking rooster by the name of Chanticleer, with the power to bring the sun up every morning through his pulse-pounding vocals. This doesn’t suit the Grand Duke of Owls or his people, as they prefer…the darkness (yay nocturnal animals). Enter in Edmund, some dopey kid who gets turned into a cat (?!) who has to find Chanticleer and bring back the sun, lest the world be shrouded in blackness, permanently. Deep stuff.

And hey! It’s even got a babe:

So now, let’s bring you to the MOVIE DRINKING GAME rules of conduct, Chanti-beer edition.

THE RULEZ:

1. Drink every time someone says “Chanticleer.” Sorry in advance.

2. Drink every time anyone says “Rock-A-Doodle.” I’d take a bit bigger sip if it’s sung. The opening scene sets the tone:

3. Take a sip for every musical number!

4. Whenever the Grand Duke (Christopher Plummer) terrifies you, drink. This will likely be every time you see him. Some evidence:

5. Drink whenever the film goes from live action to cartoon.

6. Take a shot when you see an owl play an organ. It only happens once, but it’s worth celebrating.

7. Gulp for whenever Rock-A-Doodle is an Elvis knock off.

8. Sip for whenever the Grand Duke’s nephew Hunch (above) screws up something/sucks.

Disclaimer: Please drink responsibly (and if you play this, go with beer). It’s easy to get carried away to the incredible voice stylings of Glen Campbell, and this movie is not for the faint of heart. Or for those suffering from ornithophobia.

To play along, watch the full movie online: