Plans don’t always go accordingly, but sometimes, it’s for the best. I succumbed to sleep and ended up avoiding massive lines in Hall H, and now find myself in Ballroom 20 for the Marvel TV panel. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Agent Carter and maybe…Daredevil or Netflix stuff? I’m stoked.

With news that Lucy Lawless is joining AOS, I’m hoping we learn who she is going to play (Brand? An Asgardian badass?), and hope she shows up.

Marvel’s brand is up on the screen, dramatic ominous music is playing…is Hydra among us? Or is this stalling tactics? Still waiting, after seeing someone’s desktop on the screen. Amateur hour.

Jeph Loeb is moderating the panel. He be the head of Marvel TV, and EP of Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD. Loeb promises us things nobody else gets to see, and thanks the world’s greatest fans. Drink whenever someone says that, and you’ll be hammered.

We’re getting lanyards. Any day you get a lanyard, it’s a good day.

Over the course of the season, we learned to trust no one. Thanks to a little organization called Hydra. Loeb unbuttons his shirt and reveals the Hydra shirt. Sexiest thing you’ll see at the Con.

Before SHIELD, there was Agent Carter. The showrunners for the show are coming out, Michelle Fazekas and Tara Butters (Resurrection) as well as the pilot’s writers Stephen McFeely and Christopher Markus (they also wrote Captain America 1 and 2). Louis D’Esposito, director of the One-Shot, is also in attendance.

Hayley Atwell is here!

Fazekas and Butters are apparently running Resurrection and AC, which seems kinda nutty, a large task. Hopefully they can handle it.

Markus: Show is opportunity to mine rich playground. Wasn’t able to in Captain America: The Winter Soldier because of the time jump.

We’ve seen Agent Carter for about 40 minutes total in the two movies and the One-Shot. She’ll equal that with the pilot.

Atwell: Still so much to explore (duh), a lot of adventures. She mentions “powers,” but I don’t think she means it literally.

Loeb: They have not started shooting, but the Writer’s Room is going to open soon.

The war is over, Steve is gone. We’re picking up in 1946.

We get a sneak peek: “Welcome to the SSR.” Awesome old school eagle logo.

DIRECTOR NEWS! Louis D’Esposito is going to direct the first episode. Joe and Anthony Russo (Captain America: The Winter Soldier) will be directing the 2nd and 3rd episode of Agent Carter. Joe Johnston (Captain America: The First Avenger) wants to do the fourth episode. This show is going to rule.

Will Dominic Cooper return as Howard Stark? “That’d be fantastic if that could happen.”

Only questions have been from Agent Carter cosplay…until a female Winter Soldier comes up and gives me a boner. Atwell considers it a privilege and honor to play a strong woman.

Now it’s Agents of SHIELD time. We get a splendid recap of the show’s first season.

Lineup: EP Jeffrey Bell, Jed Whedon and Maurissa Tancharoen (showrunners), FitzSimmons! (Elizabeth Henstridge and Iain de Caestecker). Chloe Bennet in a shocking pink dress (sips for nips). Melinda May AKA Ming-Na Wen, who gets the biggest applause, kills in a Marvel shirt. Brett Dalton rocks a Hydra shirt, with some sexy stubble. Clark Gregg gets a standing ovation, and wins at life. Most of this panel is cheering and introducing people.

Fitz was completely heartbroken about the subject of Grant Ward’s betrayal. Iain can’t even talk about it.

Henstridge: great to be back. Know what to expect…kind of. Psyched to have a new family and the fans.

Will Skye be more involved with SHIELD? “I think so…” She still ships SkyWard. It’ll take a long time, so until then, she’s really okay with Skimmons. Me too.

What was it like being told you were Hydra? “A bit of an emotional roller coaster that day.” That Friday night, shoot a Dalton and Ming-Na fight, then was told in the meeting, and jaw drops. “But I got to work with Bill Paxton…It was quite a turn, but I’ve embraced it wholeheartedly.” Apparently was on board very quickly. “Turned the sexy up” when he became bad, according to Maurissa.

What was it like to become the Director of SHIELD? Agent Coulson, Director Coulson and Clark Gregg have been merging. All voices in head said “Squeeeee.” “I think you know what I mean.”

NEW FOLKS:

-Lucy Lawless will be on the show. She’s playing a long-time SHIELD veteran. May have a knife on her side. Her name is Isabel Hartley, and you’ll be seeing her pretty soon. Sounds like an original character.

-Lance Hunter of S.T.R.I.K.E. is joining the show. British actor Nick Blood is cast. Not a SHIELD agent, he’s a mercenary. Coulson is reaching out everywhere he can…and finds this young man, and helps with the team.

-AWESOME. A/The Big Bad is Reed Diamond (Dollhouse, Much Ado About Nothing) will be playing Daniel Whitehall, a legendary Hydra agent.

-Yay Bloopers of SHIELD. A lot of dancing, laughing and merriment.

-Where’s Triplett?

-Kid with “one liners for days” and Coulson’s big gun. Kid Coulson!

-How will rest of team react to Ward’s redemption? Elizabeth: “Terrible.” Fitz (Caestecker is too hard to spell): “Yeah.” High-fives Ward. Bennet: “I don’t know…he’s really hot as a Hydra agent…better than SHIELD. I’m going to say no.” Ming-Na: “As long as he keeps taking off his shirt in front of me.” Dalton doesn’t get to answer. Gregg: “I don’t feel good about it, but maybe if he bought Fitz a monkey.”

-Any chance of seeing Deadpool? Um, NO. “He’s over in that other universe.” He asks this question every year, apparently.

-How would Chloe feel about being Jessica Drew? She gives no real answer other than excitement. Apparently her identity is a fun guessing game on set, she has no idea. Finds out stuff right around the same time as us.

-Brought into trailer to see secret/new pages: “It was really cool…but also very sad.” (Gregg). Got us excited for the show, especially after watching Winter Soldier. Apparently Ming-Na and Chloe kind of cried. Chloe freaked out about kissing him; “I slept with him” (Ming-Na). Dalton: Didn’t get to work with these lovely people as much, but again, loved running around with Bill Paxton.

They started shooting AOS’ second season YESTERDAY. But we still get an awesome tease, which involves Patton Oswalt as Billy Koenig stressing the importance of our security lanyards. It’s a funny/clever bit…and then his “brother” Sam Koenig, A NEW ONE, pops in, and mentions another brother receiving a phone call from Bobby Morse (presumably not the actor from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and Mad Men). He had a codename that I totally missed over the applause/cheers, but it sounded like Marky Mark; could’ve been a joke, or could’ve been someone famous I totally missed (how helpful). Apparently whoever s/he is, is in (I want that to mean Maria Hill). EDIT: BobbyBobbi Morse is exactly who he said, I was just an idiot. I’ll admit, I have a blind spot when it comes to MOCKINGBIRD‘s real name. But this is awesome. We get someone with powers, someone with ties to the larger universe (Hawkeye’s beau), and another badass chick. I’m slightly concerned about Triplett’s spot on the squad, since it sounds like we’re adding two more members to the squad, and B.J. Britt wasn’t in attendance with everyone else, but I think I’m being as paranoid as Koenig is about lanyards. Koenig mentions that they have secret weapons that we’re familiar with that should help in the fight.

If you have not seen CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER or the latest episode of Marvel’s AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D., you’re not a very good nerd, nor should you read the rest of this post LEST YE BE SPOILED.

Week after week, Tuesday after Tuesday, I prepare myself to watch the next episode of what should be the greatest show on television: it lives in a world that has Gods, philanthropic-playboy-geniuses, a modern-day Robin Hood, and a goddamn Hulk. Yet, every week I have to give myself pep-talks and convince myself that maybe this time it’ll be better, maybe this is the episode that will make me go, “JOSS WHEDON IS BACK, BITCHES!” But here we are, seventeen episodes into its premiere season and I still cannot say that I am 100% committed to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. for the duration of its television run no matter how long – or how short – that may be.

Let’s take a quick look at my lovers’ (most people call him Joss) television resumé.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1997-2003): Had it all. A kickass ladyhero, hot-as-hell vampires, a couple of lezzie Wicca’s, a few neat accents, sex, drama, blood, pain and lots and lots of laughs. While the wardrobe may be outdated now (sweet mother of God is it bad), everyone no matter if they’re a new found fan, or a lifer, can appreciate the language of Buffyisms that was created, the family that we all shared, and the everlasting hatred of the monster sibling that was Dawn. Joss Whedon was tired of watching horror movies where the blond girl always got the ax first, so he gave us a heroine that even over a decade later, everyone still wants to be when they grow up.

ANGEL (1999-2004): BtVS’s spinoff is all-too-often compared to its predecessor and the comments that follow are generally in the vain of, “…but not as good.” or “…it just wasn’t BUFFY.” And while, yes, those may be true because of HOW MUCH WE LOVE BUFFY, they don’t actually have any real merit. ANGEL was a great show in its own right, and no it wasn’t BUFFY… Because it wasn’t BUFFY. It was ANGEL. While Joss didn’t take the lead on this one, he left in the hands of his more than capable partner David Greenwalt who had been working on BtVS with him for years. They, together, knew the characters they created and so taking them out of Sunnydale and putting them in The City of Angels wasn’t something to be scared of. ANGEL may have fallen off the bandwagon a few times (Connor and evil Cordy, anyone?) its characters never changed past the point of recognition. Which is more than we can say for some other less fortunate folks on the telly (VAMPIRE DIARIES, I’m looking at you).

FIREFLY (2002-2003): If you haven’t seen FIREFLY, do everyone a favor and go impale yourself.

DR. HORRIBLE’S SING ALONG BLOG (TV Mini-Series, 2008): Neil Patrick Harris. Felicia Day. Nathan Fillion. Joss Whedon. Singing. DR. HORRIBLE was a brilliant, adorable and endearing work of fluffy fun. It was just a little reminder for all of Joss’ fans that he was still around and still making wonderful little things for us to treasure.

DOLLHOUSE (2009-2010): DOLLHOUSE was an interesting shift for Joss. Anyone who’s familiar with his aforementioned works, knows that he started to get very interested in technology and how that impacted the worlds he was writing about (BtVS Season 4 was the worst), and DOLLHOUSE absolutely felt like it was an experiment to see how far he could take his idea of implanting custom personalities into sleepers-for-hire. And honestly, had Eliza Dushku been replaced, DOLLHOUSE probably could have succeeded for many more seasons to come. I don’t say that because I don’t like Eliza (which to be fair, she isn’t my fave), but I say that because in order for us to believe that these “dolls” really were getting their brains wiped of personality implants, the actors that were cast needed have the range to portray anything and everything that the writers could think of, and Eliza does not have that range: she has the acting abilities of my mother ironing board. The concept of DOLLHOUSE was new, intriguing, had a fabulous crew of supporting cast, and was pretty fucking awesome all around – it just needed an equally awesome lead, which it did not.

And finally we come to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013-): Looking at all the components individually, characters (which to be fair, could use some major fleshing out; Fitz and Simmons need backgrounds and lives outside of their work together at the Academy and in S.H.I.E.L.D. and Skye could definitely improve with one of the Dollhouse’s personality implants) are decent enough, the concept is absolutely great looking at how big the Marvel cinematic universe is growing each year (OMG AVENGERS 2 OMG THE DEFENDERS OMG) and everyone loves Coulson. But what about AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. just isn’t working?

Could it be that Joss Whedon has not directed a single episode since the pilot?

Or the fact that Joss has only written one episode this entire season.

Hey, maybe it’s that Joss Whedon is not the show-runner, but merely titled “co-creator” and “producer”?

Had AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. been solely in Joss’ more than capable hands, I have no doubt that it would by far be one of the best shows to tune into weekly, but being left in the hands of another (it’s been proven time and time again that Maurissa and Jed together are not half the talent that Joss is alone) AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D is suffering, and I don’t think that even the great Thor could stop it. The episodes are lackluster and #ItsAllConnected doesn’t mean a damn thing, but no one knows what’s going on anymore.

Ward is banging May, is in love with Skye, and now he’s HYDRA? Fitz and Simmons are adorable, easily flustered, and lacking any real substance, which immediately leads me to Skye. What, exactly, is the point of her? Something about her parents were important so she’s highly valuable or something… to who now? And why is that, again? Melinda May is a badass, sure, but her lack of any kind of expression has worn out its welcome. Is she in love with Coulson? She sure seems like she could be, yet she’s bumping uglies with Ward, assembled this team to put Coulson down if need be, and is apparently in contact with Fury behind everyone’s backs. Who knows what happened with Agent Hand last week since all I gathered from that entire episode is that she apparently got dead, and who knows if that was even real (Fury ain’t dead. No one can kill Sam Jackson. Be real. …And, you know, spoilers).

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be moving in some sort of direction somewhere, somehow, but the individual storylines and overall plot have such little structure that the miniscule bit of information that is given is so haphazard and undeveloped that it feels like Maurissa and Jed took a page from the bible of LOST and are just making things up as they go. Joss may have made things up as he went (some story arcs were more ridiculous than others…ADAM) but you never quite felt this dazed and confused. While I know Joss is busy being all Avenge-y, it’d sure be nice if he stuck his head into the S.H.I.E.L.D. writers’ room once in a while to bust their balls about the hot mess that is AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

Spoilers from CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER and AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. follow. 

If you’ve seen CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, you know the film drastically changed the landscape of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Ever since Nick Fury showed up at the end of IRON MAN and introduced the Avengers Initiative, S.H.I.E.L.D. and Marvel’s love of acronyms were the strings that tied the Marvel universe together.

Now, that S.H.I.E.L.D. has been destroyed, thanks to a decades long and irreversible infiltration by HYDRA, that leaves a massive, gaping void in the MCU, and in particular…kind of throws Marvel’s first foray into TV, AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. into flux. The show is called AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. for Phil Coulson’s sake. But considering AOS’ struggles with mediocrity over its first season, the bombastic events of the excellent WINTER SOLDIER offer a rare opportunity for a show to completely reimagine itself, to reboot, to revitalize itself with an eager and massive audience. Starting tonight, we’ll start to see what Maurissa Tancharoen, Jed Whedon, Jeffrey Bell and company have planned. Hopefully it involves something this wonderful:

David already chronicled what he thinks might happen over the season’s final 6 episodes, and what he WANTS to happen going forward in this awesome post. What follows are a bunch of ideas for season 2 that WON’T HAPPEN, that are too crazy, too nonsensical, and (some) too awesome, to happen, with new show titles to boot.

1. AGENTS OF THE ASTRAL PLANE

One of the more amazing nuggets in a movie bursting with greatness (CAP 2), was that Jasper Sitwell mentions Stephen Strange as an enemy of HYDRA while being interrogated by Cap and Black Widow.

This means Dr. Strange is happening. It’s as inevitable as my diabetes. To which I say:

While Dr. Strange deserves his own film, and has the highest upside of any other Marvel character yet untapped…this TV reboot wouldn’t preclude a film franchise from happening.

Judging from Sitwell’s reveal, Strange is an enemy of HYDRA, and therefore, probably an ally of S.H.I.E.L.D. in the aftermath to come. Imagine Victoria Hand, or the Clairvoyant, or the member of the team that betrays Coulson and his crew (who could also be the Clairvoyant), has them in his/her grasp, ready to end this vagabond group of misfits, once and for all. In this scenario, the Clairvoyant may as well be Dormammu. 

Enter Dr. Strange, a fun spell, and a trip to the Astral Plane, where Ward, May, Coulson, Skye, Fitz and Simmons (or whomever is still alive) regroup, learn the Mystic Arts, and pop in and out to take down the remaining heads of HYDRA, or the new threat to public safety. It’d be awesomeawful, with Wong along for comic relief and casual racism.

2. AGENTS OF UPS

In a move purely out of crazy obvious cross-promotion, the only division of S.H.I.E.L.D. that remains after CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER is that of “logistics.”

It’s a tough transition to make, but Coulson proves adept at leading a group of delivery men and women that ALWAYS gets their packages out in time, and to the right people. May’s pilot skills translate beautifully to the open road. Skye creates a new shipping system that revolutionizes the industry, and cripples FED EX (a front for HYDRA). It’s all a First Class time, until Christmas 2014, when the Clairvoyant (revealed as Heat Miser), threatens to ruin Christmas, by destroying UPS’ new logistics algorithm. FitzSimmons prove worthy of a littleReindeer Games, but the power and temptation proves too great, as we incur a Dark Willow type situation that doesn’t get resolved until Easter.

3. AGENTS OF LOLA

It’s clear the best character in AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. has always been Phil Coulson’s precious flying red car Lola.

Victoria Hand and HYDRA manage to destroy almost everyone (Lola only seats two passengers comfortably, after all) and everything, but not LOLA. Coulson manages to escape, with maybe one or two other survivors, zooming off in Lola.

In a show that can only be described as HERBIE: FULLY LOADED meets FAST & THE FURIOUS, Lola proves to have as acerbic a wit as Jarvis, but with far more explosive weaponry (and many a tank of NOS). Amid the innumerable car chases, races and death defying stunts, Skye and Simmons jostle for shotgun (and Coulson’s fatherly affections).

4. AGENTS OF STARK INDUSTRIES

At the end of CAPTAIN AMERICA 2, Maria Hill rebounds nicely from losing her job at S.H.I.E.L.D., by interviewing for a job at Stark Industries. This seems to hint that Tony Stark and Stark Tower will be the new base of operations for whatever is left of S.H.I.E.L.D., and the Avengers.

Coulson and company are looking at unemployment just like the rest of America (and Cobie Smulder’s schedule is free after the end of HIMYM), and their only option? A billion dollar company run by the world’s favorite superhero. Bummer, right? In this workplace comedy modeled after THE OFFICE, Phil Coulson and Maria Hill would butt heads (and bump uglies), while teaching Melinda May to work spreadsheets. Ward could try to take Happy’s job as bodyguard. Fitz and Simmons will fit right in with Tony and his group of eccentric inventors, as Simmons falls in love with Jarvis’s sultry voice (who will then turn into Vision, creating a love triangle with Elizabeth Olsen’s Scarlet Witch). Skye can hack, or whatever.

The drama is off the charts.

Think the last season of ANGEL, without Spike, a robotic Gunn, and none of the fun. The season premiere will open with this frightful image, and the rest of the year we will be figuring out how we got to this point (spoilers: bad shellfish):

5. AGENTS OF HYDRA

If you can’t beat ’em, join them. Season 1 of AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. has had a very ALIAS-like vibe, with Coulson perhaps unwittingly HELPING the bad guys, working for SD-6. Perhaps, so discouraged and disillusioned by SHIELD, the aura of order and compliance to HYDRA is exactly what the doctor ordered. Ward will follow anybody, after all.

Or, maybe Coulson’s team doesn’t just have one traitor. Maybe THEY’RE ALL EVIL, unwittingly keeping it a secret from one another because they didn’t know whom to trust.

Once the shit hits the fan, they realize they all Hail (From) Hydra, and we find out that Victoria Hand normally dyes her hair GREEN, for she’s really Madam Hydra, as they prepare for the sordid events unfurling in AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON.

We learn the history of HYDRA, with flashback episodes to Dr. Arnim Zola, the Winter Soldier, and how they shaped awful events of the past. HYDRA was behind Watergate, the JFK Assassination, the Moon Landing, every single conspiracy you’ve ever wanted to believe, including the mysteries of what is in McDonald’s Fish Filet.

We can also get Bob, Agent of Hydra, in there for much-needed comic relief:

Alternatively: the show could be retitled AGENTS OF H.A.M.M.E.R., where we learn that Victoria Hand was manipulated by HYDRA, or thought Coulson’s team was HYDRA, but she’s really just a hard ass with questionable morals. In other words, she’s exactly the leader Coulson’s team needs in the terrifying vacuum left behind by S.H.I.E.L.D.’s absence, as she starts H.A.M.M.E.R., the newest acronym everyone will be talking about, a shiny fancy new espionage and law enforcement group formed to replace S.H.I.E.L.D. The organization is created and run by Norman Osborn in the comics, but who needs that asshole?

Anyways, SOME of Coulson’s squad decides to join Hand (May, Simmons), where others side with Coulson (Fitz, Skye, Ward’s dead or split in half), splintering off on their own, setting up an escalating feud between the two factions.

6. FUTURE AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

In “Seeds,” Fitz and Simmons returned to their roots at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy, where their academic exploits and their big beautiful brains are revered. After Coulson and his squad of over-matched spies get murdered by Victoria Hand, the Clairvoyant or an explosive Bill Paxton quip, we’re forced to go backwards in Season 2, with a prequel series.

Fitz and Simmons are adorable, the nerdy will-they, won’t they’s of the show. In the JEDI ACADEMY/MONSTERS UNIVERSITY inspired FAOS, we get their “meet cute,” as Fitz accidentally zaps her with one of his experimental weapons, and gets caught repeatedly creeping on her with his weird spy orbs. But Simmons likes the attention.

We learn where Ward’s personality disappeared to, as Bill Paxton’s Agent Garrett brings him under his wing, absorbing all humor and personality from his muscular protege’s body, since no one can compete with Bill Paxton.

Melinda May is in full blown Cavalry mode, only taking breaks to share the sheets with a sexually frustrated Agent Coulson, who can’t seem to get an erection after he discovers the world is a place where the Incredible Hulk and Thor is real, and really just wants to complete his Captain America trading card collection.

Oh, Skye spends her time in that van a lot, maybe narrating the events a la DOOGIE HOWSER (or better yet, the technological soul of Arnim Zola narrating the events from her van). Riveting stuff, and if it doesn’t find an audience, it could go the GOTHAM route, and throw every famous hero into the SHIELD Academy BEFORE they become the heroes we know and love.

7. AGENT PEGGY CARTER

Since the awesome PEGGY CARTER one-shot materialized, rumors have swirled around a possible Peggy Carter TV show.

What we didn’t know was that Marvel Studios had planned all along for Hayley Atwell to take over for Coulson and his fuck ups once and for all after one season.

Following the “death” of Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter gets ushered into a fledgling little group called S.H.I.E.L.D. and becomes one of the founding members of the world’s most secretive and powerful organization. Joined by Dum Dum Dugan, his Howling Commandos and Howard Stark, we witness the origins of the divisive and mysterious organization.

Throw in the impossibly studio convoluted Invaders, the million different Captain America’s that tried to replace Steve Rogers over the years, and the seeds of Hydra’s rebellion, and you have the greatest show on the planet. Plus, we learn the truth behind Howard Stark’s death (he’s a Skrull), and get more Arnim Zola, who needs to be in every episode of every show on this list.

It’s pulpy, sexy, fun. MAD MEN meets ALIAS.

8. AGENTS OF S.K.Y.E.

Skye’s name is no accident. While it might’ve been evidence of a whimsical, hippie (but annoyingly upper class) mother…it’s more likely a code for her origin.

The sky. Space. She’s clearly an alien, yo, and by the end of season 1, Skye learns that she is KREE, and faced with either sticking around a world without S.H.I.E.L.D. and direction, the surviving members of Coulson’s pals decide to romp around in space with Skye, jettisoning us off into a galaxy far, far away, and the guardians who would protect it.

While we skirt around Peter Quill and the real GUARDIANS, we’re introduced to their swashbuckling, quirky world, and to the Nova Corps, Quasar, and Skye’s father…Mar-Vell. We learn that Skye’s been hidden from the Kree’s and the rest of the universe…because she’s the key to the galaxy, or something equally profound/ridiculous. In fact, she’s the basis for the Kree-Skrull War that explodes in Season 4.

Melinda May will admit to being jealous of her and Ward’s obvious affections in Season 3.

9. SECRET AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D./AGENTS OF FURY

Do we really believe that S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone forever? They’re just as persistent and as hard to get rid of as HYDRA and bed bugs, and Nick Fury doesn’t give up easily.

In the finale, after Coulson and the surviving members of his group defeat Hand and the threat of HYDRA (for this season), Nick Fury reveals himself to be alive (Sam Jackson will appear on the finale). There, he offers Coulson his next mission, should he choose to accept it: to start a top-secret, underground sect of S.H.I.E.L.D., operating with complete autonomy, globe-trotting around the world in the Bus and Lola, raiding out HYDRA and Centipede locations, while interacting with new threats, heroes, villains and powers.

It’s basically Secret Avengers, without the cool members of the team. But throw in Sif (as the Valkyrie counterpart), a redemptive Deathlok on the squad, maybe grab Sharon Carter (Emily VanCamp), and bring back Peter MacNicol as a liaison, and you have a legitimately awesome idea for season 2. You could even cover Secret War, without relying on Nick Fury to lead the charge.

That could happen. This is the crazy, unrealistic version:

I envision it like HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, where Coulson and his group are constantly on the run, or in hiding from the Clairvoyant, flitting from place to place, running into friend or foe, and uncovering heretofore undiscovered tenants of the Marvel Universe. Stay a week in Atlantis with Namor. Stay at a bed and breakfast in Wakanda and meet T’Challa. Hitchhike with Nomad (or Captain America, incognito following an assassination attempt in CAPTAIN AMERICA 3). Maybe we meet the new Ghost Rider. Or Punisher. Or introduce Carol Danvers AKA Captain Marvel. Shang-Chi. Man-Thing. Ka-Zar. Moon Knight. Hundreds of others. Coulson and his team are like Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, discovering and uncovering every corner of the MU (within reason), and jotting it into their pokedex.

10. LIFE MODEL DECOYS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

Victoria Hand, Jasper Sitwell and the Clairvoyant manage to murder the crap out of Phil Coulson and his team.

But, this is the Marvel Universe, where no one stays dead.

Hand didn’t kill Life Model Decoys…she killed the real McCoy’s. But Coulson managed to create LMD’s for his entire team before her devastating/obvious betrayal.

The second season follows the life model decoys that survived and outlived their human counterparts. Universe-altering questions of humanity, and whether or not they deserve life, or even want it, is explored in the now moribund, existential series.

11. AGENTS OF A MAGICAL PLACE

After S.H.I.E.L.D. and everything Coulson has ever known has collapsed, he and his team are forced to go into hiding.

Because no one would expect them to go to the most obvious place, that’s exactly what Coulson’s cadre of “spies” do: they go to Tahiti. A magical place.

There, they have tropical drinks, sun tan, and undergo radical experiments with Book from FIREFLY.

Did I fall asleep? You will too.

12. AGENTS OF SHIELD

You think this is the same show. BUT THE ACRONYM IS NO MORE!

You know what this means?

The Clairvoyant isn’t Arnim Zola. It isn’t Bill Paxton or Hand, or May or any of the popular theories. No, the Clairvoyant is a nefarious time traveler (The Doctor?), who knows that Coulson’s team are the only people who can stop him…so instead of killing them when they were babies like a normal time traveler…he ships them off to…Medieval times!

I mean serious, Black Plague medieval times. Not Medieval Times. Ward finds the time change refreshing, the order of knighthood exactly what he always wanted, with Melinda May posing as his male squire, before enacting her vengeance.

13. AGENTS OF SUPERHUMAN REGISTRATION

One of the endings of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, involved the government questioning Black Widow, and threatening to arrest Natasha. It had the stink of the seeds of setting up the Superhuman Registration Act, an awful law enacted that forces all super powered humans to register with the government and relinquish their secret identities. It leads to a Civil War between heroes, fighting on either side, and sucked.

SMALLVILLE kind of did this arc before, X-MEN has done something similar, and it’s just the worst, and likely won’t ever happen, or shouldn’t. Until season 2 of AOS, as Coulson and his team go around the country, down “the list” of Assets, conscripting them to their service. Or else Deathlok kills them.

14. AGENTS OF THUNDERBOLTS

The THUNDERBOLTS are basically Marvel’s version of the SUICIDE SQUAD, a superhero team filled with reformed villains. ARROW’s been setting up a Suicide Squad in its second season (and who knows, might be planning a spin-off show), so it’d be pretty funny and fitting if Marvel stepped in and started the Thunderbolts Initiative in season 2 of AOS.

Redemption and the nature of heroism is a deep and profound theme often found in Joss Whedon’s work, and its the crux of the Thunderbolts team. Perhaps faced with the growing evils of Centipede/Hydra, Baron von Strucker, the Clairvoyant and whatever else is out there, that Maria Hill decides to enact the Thunderbolts Initiative, a decision buoyed by the successful rehabilitation of J. August Richards’ Deathlok in the final battle of season 1.

We’ve met Blizzard in “Seeds,” Radioactive Man in IRON MAN 3 (kinda), and most of the other “villains” in THUNDERBOLTS wouldn’t be stepping on the toes of any of their bigger franchises. Maybe Baron Zemo would, but I doubt we’ll be seeing a Masters of Evil group (unless Sony takes over). While Crossbones is likely planned for CAPTAIN AMERICA 3 (and a role in the Death of Captain America, been calling that since forever), he does have history with the Thunderbolts, and Frank Grillo isn’t too big for TV. There’s no shortage of people that have Thunderbolts ties, including Songbird, Nighthawk, Atlas, Swordsman, Penance and Paladin, that we wouldn’t have to delve into the Green Goblin, Bullseye, Venom and Deadpool’s of the world, that are untouchable and too big for TV even if they weren’t.

Full Disclosure: I’m writing this while listening to the “Once More With Feeling” soundtrack from BUFFY. But, of course.

Sometimes things so bizarre, weird, or perfect, just fall in your lap. That was exactly what I felt like when a Facebook friend (so you know we’re close) of mine posted a status update that related the following news to me:

Lusty Kitten Productions (naturally) was putting on an Joss Whedon-themed burlesque show in Los Angeles, THAT night (Friday Feb. 7th), entitled Across the Whedonverse.

Um, what.the.fuck?!

It was two hours until show time, I had no ride, and would be bailing on my roommate’s burgers and movie night…but I didn’t really have a choice.

What was to come reminds me of what Whistler said in “Becoming, Part One,”:

Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.

This night was one of those “big moments.” I’ve never been to a burlesque show. Not for lack of…trying? No, that’s not the right way to put it (though I do want to go to David Lynch’s writing spot). Not for lack of desire? …I guess. The idea of women getting naked and dancing holds much appeal. Obviously. The idea of these women getting naked with a FIREFLY or BUFFY back drop? That gives me every kind of boner possible, while also confirming how great the universe is.

Of course, I was imagining semi-beautiful look-alikes with decent production value and mildly clever jokes.

I got none of those things. Well the jokes were mildly clever, if you consider ketchup mild.

But, even so, it was so worth it. It was the kind of awful you want to experience. The kind of awful you can tell your friends about, and the kind of awful that reveals beauty and brilliance and what life is all about.

Joss Whedon is the greatest. There’s no disputing it, and his fans, acolytes and believers are also the greatest by extension. Joss Whedon is everyone, a patron saint for the average guy and girl, the nerd, the recluse, the nerd recluse who gets the courage to wave his nerd recluse flag amongst other like-minded nerd recluses at Comic-Con and Slayage Conferences, or as it so happens the Fais Do Do club on Adams Boulevard.

It also allows these same people to get close-to-naked on stage for others Whedonites amusement and pleasure.

The night began, after a long wait in line, bursting with men and women donning their Jayne hat (above), with another interminably long, single file line to an uninspired bar (HELP US GET DRUNKER), and a magician who gives low-energy magicians a bad name. It wasn’t even a diverting experience; it just made the crowd that much more restless and impatient for boobs. At one point he was “floating” paper flowers or something, and the string he was using was as clear as day. It was painful, and certainly didn’t get one pumped up for what was to come.

And then, before the show had even started…it was time for an intermission. Fuck off, really?

At this point I was painfully sober (two weak $8 Dark and Stormy’s didn’t cut it) and impatient for this trip to work out. I had met my aforementioned friend, and two of his friends, including a guy who managed to tell me he had slept with 70 different women in his opening introductions and was now dating this cute girl from Seattle who was on his arm. Yeah, I wasn’t going to like “Rob” ever.

And then it was time for nerds gettin’ naked time! Things kicked off with a girl Dr. Horrible (dancer Tas DeVille), then a “shy” Willow blossoming before us (Rynie Das Wreckless), and an Anya (Spy Kitten) not only removing bunny stuffed animals from her robe, but also articles of clothing. Plus, her pasties accidentally fell off. Now I know what it must’ve been like for those at Super Bowl XXXVIII.

After Anya, it was time for an oddly dominatrix-y Echo (Estella Detroit), and then, Buffy, performed by Holly Rock-It! Later that night, feeling like I needed to do, I managed a very awkward “conversation” with Ms. Rock-It!, that consisted of me complimenting her on her dance and Holly thanking me politely to leave her alone.

How do you follow Buffy? You don’t…you just get another intermission. Thanks.

The most uncomfortable I might have ever been was when Mae Lust, one of the organizers of the event, a red-headed Wonder Woman, came to the stage and began reading…Fred and Harmony erotic fan fiction. As a friend told me, “That’s the dream.” It was the worst, but such a brilliant idea. I would’ve had two dancers as Fred and Harmony act out the events in the background, but that’s just me.

My favorite performer might’ve been the Rave inspired Black Widow (Lyra La Belle). Next up was some not obvious blonde character, brought to life by Cici Stiletto.

The cherry on top of weirdness was the awkward, short, quiet Mercury Troy putting a spin on Drusilla I’ll be trying to forget for years. But this show wasn’t over yet. The three most eclectic acts had yet to happen.

Enter Princess Kida Kidagakash (above), the hottie from ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE, a 2001 animated feature that Joss Whedon wrote a treatment for. Yup. We’re digging deep, even with Inara, Kaylee, Zoe, River, Sierra or any of the characters from AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D left to play. And no female Spike?! It was the kind of off-the-wall choice to be expected from the show, and also brought with it one of the more elaborate costumes of the night (one of the few good ones), filled out by June Au’Purr Darling.

Thrown in for good measure was also live music, supplied by Gemeni, a band formed by Lisa and Gina Gomez. Nerd rock is a thing, and they’re a fine example:

Then it got hot.

Who would’ve thought a near naked female Reaver with a man’s face covering her naughty bits would be so hot? Apparently Lusty Kitten, and Donatella MeLies made it happen.

Throughout the festivities, VV Trippple acted as the undead “pick-up artist,” meaning she was a zombie who picked up the clothes of the other performers. I could’ve done without it.

CABIN IN THE WOODS fans didn’t get a Merman. Instead, they got a Unicorn (Dia Blow…I think).

The finale was supplied by Sgt. Die Wies, a massive black woman (?), who brought more attitude, flair and gravitas to the character of Iron Man than even perhaps Robert Downey Jr. himself. Her performance was easily the most ridiculous, crazy thing I saw all night, as she bounced around stage, with lit-up arc reactor pasties and all. Her dance, and ACROSS THE WHEDONVERSE itself, was summed up perfectly by Captain Hammer’s closing line: “Fuck the arc reactor, we can power the Stark Tower with that ass.”

It took me far too long to really get and appreciate this night, but Sgt. Die Wies drilled the message home. The Whedonverse is about acceptance, and being yourself, and standing up for yourself, and doing what makes you happy, and that’s what these girls were doing all night, while showing off cleavage for charity. Jesus would be proud. Some dancers were better than others, but each were emblematic of the Whedonverse in every fashion, and every number was accompanied with truly bizarre and great music.

The evening was tied together by Mr. Snapper, or the aforementioned Captain Hammer stand-in, who was oftentimes unbearably cheesy, and other times, the only thing that didn’t make me want to impale myself on the Unicorn’s horn. It helps that we all came together to sing the Firefly theme song. Afterwards, he tried to rally us to sing Jayne’s Song…which should’ve been a roaring number, but instead ended up being just one dedicated and drunk Jayne fan singing along…and it was glorious.

Proving that he truly has nothing better to dois a tremendous sport, BUFFY and FIREFLY artist Georges Jeanty was there to sign autographs and cringe at the festivities with the rest of us.

While it didn’t prove to be a night of extreme socializing held together with expert storytelling, there was enough in-jokes, Whedon quotes and a stellar video clip featuring moments from all of our favorite series to make it worthwhile. The memorable experience will leave me as a leaf on the wind, at least until Accio Burlesque! returns…

A blurry photo of the cast