The Asylum is an American studio and distributor that makes low budget, direct-to-video films. If you’re somehow ever confused when scrolling through your Netflix queue at similarly titled movies to well known blockbusters, you have The Asylum to thank. TRANSMORPHERS, JACK THE GIANT KILLER, ATLANTIC RIM, etc. Unsurprisingly, almost all of them have been greeted by legal action.
They also strike lightning in the bottle, like with SHARKNADO, the crown jewel of the bogus, awful, giving B-movies a bad name creature features they specialize in, many of which you’ll find on SyFy during a lonely night and sad hour. One such film is 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK, a 2012 masterpiece of suck.
The film is “directed” by Christopher Ray, a veteran of the industry with diverse credits that include ALMIGHTY THOR, MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS and REPTISAURUS.
He and The Asylum spared no/every expense to compile a compelling cast that includes also-ran’s and relatives to kinda famous people. Carmen Electra is the lead solely to wear a bikini, and that’s not really something we want to see post-BAYWATCH and I guess, SCARY MOVIE. She’s married to Professor Franklin Babish, who’s taking a class of douchebags/students on a Semester at Sea. I have no idea what Franklin Babish is the professor of (marine biology?), but I do know that he’s played by the younger brother of Jerry O’Connell. Yes, such a thing exists, and thy name is Charlie O’Connell (BACHELOR fans are shaking their hands at my lack of O’Connell knowledge). You didn’t know that the man responsible for KANGAROO JACK, MOCKINGBIRD LANE and other monstrosities has a younger, less talented brother.
Charlie has parlayed his genetics into roles on CROSSING JORDAN and SLIDERS, two of the more successful things Jerry’s been apart of. Charlie’s also been in CRUEL INTENTIONS (a movie drinking game waiting to happen), THE NEW GUY (ditto) and DUDE, WHERE’S MY CAR (double ditto). But it’s clear his role as Ray in KRAKEN: TENTACLES OF THE DEEP is what landed him the lead in 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK.
Essentially, their boat, the Sea King, hits a dead shark in the water (foreboding), and then gets rammed by the two-headed shark before they can call for help, wrecking their antennae. Then, Charlie O’Connell and his students raft over to an
islandatoll. An atoll is apparently a ring-shaped coral reef surrounding a lagoon, proving that I did learn something (plagiarized Wikipedia) during this ordeal. In 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK its geological characteristics are impossible/confusing/nonsensical.
The students are led by Kate, or Brooke Hogan, Hulk Hogan’s eldest daughter who has dabbled in music, film, tv, modeling and everything gross. Add in “romance,” a lot of bathing suits/tits and a treasure trove of deaths perpetrated by sharks made with technology that predates JAWS, and that’s really all there is to 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK. Well, that and a stirring statement on religion:
Now it’s time for the movie drinking game rules, because there’s no earthly way to get through this film sober. If you want to save your brain unnecessary punishment, I recommend watching this video unfurling the body count from the SyFy classic instead of the entire 88 minute film:
0. Sips for nips. Duh.
1. Drink for every death. Double if said death involves nudity/sexy-time/kissing.
2. Drink whenever you want to stop the movie.
3. Take a sip every time you see a cliche crappy radar/sonar screen.
4. Drink for every bad/embarrassing CGI shot of the sharks
5. Enjoy another quaff of your frosty beverage whenever you hate one of the students.
6. Drink whenever anyone yells an exclamation about a two-headed shark. Unfortunately, no one actually says “This is a 2-Headed Shark Attack!”, a big missed opportunity.
7. Drink for every natural disaster. A year before SHARKNADO, 2-HEADED SHARK ATTACK combined sharks and earthquakes/tsunami’s. Perhaps this is what led to the epiphany that changed the world.
Expert Rule: We got to the point where we were drinking for certain characters whenever they came on screen. I couldn’t tell you any of their names, but we chose by bikini style. If you find the need to drink more, choose a bikini that’s easy to spot, and drink whenever you see them!