I love Norse mythology. While Marvel has profited massively by watering down and taking liberties with THOR and their version of Asgard, there is undeniably more stories to tell, many of which don’t involve Natalie Portman as a damsel in distress. That’s precisely why I was excited to watch the Norwegian action-adventure film RAGNAROK, in hopes that a filmmaker would start to tap into the rich folklore. Spoiler alert: they don’t, at least not really.

RAGNAROK opens how you want it to open: a bunch of Vikings carrying torches, sending a sheep to sacrifice to the Gods, a princess (Asa) telling her father that “greed is your downfall” and then an unseen monster bursts from the water, dooming the Vikings to a watery grave. Unfortunately, that’s about all we see from the Viking age.

From there, it’s a hop, skip and a jump to present day, where we’re introduced to Sigurd Svendson (Pal Sverre Hagen), a single father juggling work and his two children, Ragnhild (Maria Annette Tanderod Berglyd) and Brage (Julian Podolski). He of course, is doing it badly. He misses Ragnhild’s recital, and also blows his pitch to investors to get more time and money to study his recent findings involving the mysterious Oseberg Viking longship and its contents. He believes that the artifacts hold the secret to the “end of days” or Ragnarok. The only rune he’s translated for sure, however, hilariously says “Man knows little,” a mantra repeated by his investors whom find his claims boundless and ridiculous. It appears that Sigurd’s research is effectively over.

It’s a dark day in Sigurd’s life, but because this is a movie, Allan (Nicolai Cleve Broch), his partner who’s been traveling in Finnmark looking for more Oseberg artifacts, returns with a rune stone from the coast. The rune has a code. Of course, what Allan and Sigurd have uncovered is a treasure map, one that will take them to “the Eye of Odin,” an island exactly where the Vikings met their disastrous fate in the beginning of the film. Sigurd must also take his kids along with, because it’s summer vacation (and rainy Finnmark is exactly where Ragnhild does not want to go; teenagers). Throw in Elisabeth (Sofia Helin), Allan’s partner and Sigurd’s love interest, and a crotchety local guide Leif (Bjorn Sundquist), and you have yourself a tame Norwegian Indiana Jones-style adventure.

On the Eye of Odin, Sigurd and accompany encounter an abandoned Soviet bunker (where better to hide from…), the “creature of Midgard” and recycled plot points. While RAGNAROK will certainly make you want to visit Finnmark and Norway (the vistas are gorgeous), it will also leave you wanting more. The film is enjoyable and fun, suitably heartwarming with decent special FX. There’s nothing surprising about this movie, but because it’s Norwegian, it at least looks and sound different than what we’re accustomed to. Even so, RAGNAROK devolves into a predictable monster movie (the map wasn’t a map, it was a warning; then why direct people TO IT?), without banking on the cool and interesting Norse mythos that we began with and the title promises.

Ragnarok (“fate/twilight of the Gods”) is an apocalyptic event, one in which many of Norse’s Gods perish (such as Odin, Thor and Tom Hiddleston). The world becomes submerged in water, and afterwards, the surviving Gods reunite, and a new world emerges with two human survivors tasked with repopulating the Earth. Admittedly that’s a lot to ask for, but that is not close to what we see in RAGNAROK, nor is it likely what we’ll see in THOR 3, even though that’s absolutely what it should be (a disaster/apocalyptic movie in Asgard? Hel yes).

RAGNAROK opens in theaters and arrives On Demand AUGUST 15th, 2014. For more information on the film, check out its website and FB.

LIE TO ME follows a group of scientists that study universal micro-expressions to determine if someone is telling the truth.

Of course, I’ve done a few other things with my life in the past few months too. I’ve slept a little, eaten from time to time, and occasionally even showered. But mostly I’ve come to the shocking and slightly disappointing realization that marathoning TV has ruined my life.

TRUE BLOOD knew it was going down the toilet, so they bribed their female and homo viewers into staying until the end.

When I find a good show that I get truly invested in it becomes all I think about. I’ll cancel plans with friends because why would I spend time with them when I can obsess about Freya’s choice between brothers Killian and Dash? Or wonder how it took so long for there be a sex scene between Eric and Jason in the seven seasons of HBO’s soft-core vampire porno. These shows become the most important friends I have, and all others in my life will take second, third or fourth place when necessary. I’ll even avoid my daily phone call with my mom (who’s my favorite person in the entire world) if it means that I have to resurface from Peter and Roman’s [b]romance (because OMG they’re so gay for each other it hurts).

Even now, as I sit here and bitch and moan about how marathoning TV has taken over my life, the majority of my brain is still wondering if Cal and Gillian are ever going to admit they’re meant to be. (Sidenote: every actor ever has guest-starred on LIE TO ME. Like, for serious.)

Nassau, New Providence Island. 1715. One guess what BLACK SAILS is about.

Unfortunately, the worst (read: BEST) part about marathoning TV is that the list doesn’t ever end. Somewhere in life I’m going to finish BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BLACK SAILS and HANNIBAL, and if-and-when I ever catch up with those bad boys I’ll finally get to AMERICAN HORROR STORY, VIKINGS, DOMINION, ORPHAN BLACK and TRUE DETECTIVE, though not necessarily in that order. Of course, this is theoretically in addition to all the currently airing [summer] shows I try to keep up with as well like SUITS, COVERT AFFAIRS, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and practically every ABC Family show ever. (I see your judging eyes. ABCF is the shit. Sorry, not sorry.)

The moral of this short and distracted story is: Marathoning TV has ruined my life.

And with that, off I go again. Later, haterz.