SPOILERS.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all about Netflix Original Programming. ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK is great, though if we’re being totally honest I wasn’t the biggest fan of Season 2. As for HEMLOCK GROVE, maybe it’s because I haven’t read the books, or maybe it’s because halfway into Season 2 of HEMLOCK GROVE I finally gave in and had to google what an “upir” is because it was never actually explained in the show (apparently it’s a half demon/half witch hybrid thing), but something about HG is just wrong. Obviously Netflix must have known it too because they found a way of reversing the decision to give Famke Janssen an atrocious accent, and they worked S02’s storyline so that all the characters basically changed completely over the “few months” that happened between the S01 finale and the S02 premiere.

The show started out pretty intriguing. Roman, an upir, befriends Peter, a werewolf, in the search to find the monster that’s been murdering girls all around their small town. A few other strange supporting characters here and there, but an overall interesting premise. Not quite what you expected it to be (not the shallow high school sci-fi drama you’d find on the CW), but instead something that tried to have a little depth and mythology, albeit not very well explained.

The werewolf change was awesome, though.

And somehow, even with a decent premier season the sophomore set of episodes was just catastrophic. After S01’s risqué love triangle between Peter, Roman, and Roman’s blond cousin Letha that he unknowingly impregnated (he was under a spell), S02 tried to make another convoluted triangle between Peter, Roman, and some new random blond chickadee. The writers’ solution to this new love triangle had to be different than last season though, so instead of putting Roman in a coma after a car accident, they wrote in a threesome instead. At least in sex-heavy shows like TRUE BLOOD threesomes are expected and moreover, encouraged, because that’s the nature of the show. HEMLOCK GROVE started to try so desperately to be a mix of THE VAMPIRE DIARIES, TRUE BLOOD, and DAYS OF OUR LIVES that it seems to have no idea what it’s doing, and is leaving the viewers in complete confusion by the end of each episode wondering how we got to where we are, and more importantly: where the hell are we?

But even so, I stuck it out and convinced myself that everything was going to be ok and I could get back into this mess and figure it out… Until the home-grown, genetically engineered girl that popped up was eaten in order to save an upir from dying. How did that work, you ask? Still don’t know.

The sister, Shelley.

On top of all that disaster, we also have the mystery that is Roman’s younger sister – a deformed non-upir who’s powers of glow-in-the-dark empathy mysteriously vanished between seasons 1 and 2, and who’s consciousness was apparently being transferred into the genetically engineered girl (who’s also blond. The only brunette’s on the show are evil, crippled or dead. I’m sensing a theme here.)

Yet, I was still trying to forgive this show and get back on board regardless of how ridiculous it was getting…. Until the S02 finale when a huge flying dragon-human-monster-no-one-quite-knows-wtf-it-is thing showed up as Roman and Peter’s shared lover was trying to kill herself and Letha’s baby.

The grow-your-own, Shelley2.

After convincing myself to finish Season 2, I am sad to say that I am admitting defeat and giving up on the show entirely. Know how many shows I’ve done this to in my life? I can count them on one hand and even then, they are not “I will never endure another episode of this poop again.” They are, “I don’t have time to finish”/”Not really invested, will try again later”/”Need to watch at home to catch all the great moments because multi-task-watching at work just isn’t cutting it.”

But to HEMLOCK GROVE I say no more. I say that I will not force myself to suffer through any more agonizing dialogue or accents, or such painfully sexually tense scenes between Roman and Peter that the writers refuse to acknowledge outright but half-assed allow by scripting a threesome. I am taking a stand against HEMLOCK GROVE, slamming down my gavel, and refusing to waste another hour on this horrible soap opera.

Fight the power! And the werewolves! And the upirs!

But seriously, what in the hell is an upir?

LIE TO ME follows a group of scientists that study universal micro-expressions to determine if someone is telling the truth.

Of course, I’ve done a few other things with my life in the past few months too. I’ve slept a little, eaten from time to time, and occasionally even showered. But mostly I’ve come to the shocking and slightly disappointing realization that marathoning TV has ruined my life.

TRUE BLOOD knew it was going down the toilet, so they bribed their female and homo viewers into staying until the end.

When I find a good show that I get truly invested in it becomes all I think about. I’ll cancel plans with friends because why would I spend time with them when I can obsess about Freya’s choice between brothers Killian and Dash? Or wonder how it took so long for there be a sex scene between Eric and Jason in the seven seasons of HBO’s soft-core vampire porno. These shows become the most important friends I have, and all others in my life will take second, third or fourth place when necessary. I’ll even avoid my daily phone call with my mom (who’s my favorite person in the entire world) if it means that I have to resurface from Peter and Roman’s [b]romance (because OMG they’re so gay for each other it hurts).

Even now, as I sit here and bitch and moan about how marathoning TV has taken over my life, the majority of my brain is still wondering if Cal and Gillian are ever going to admit they’re meant to be. (Sidenote: every actor ever has guest-starred on LIE TO ME. Like, for serious.)

Nassau, New Providence Island. 1715. One guess what BLACK SAILS is about.

Unfortunately, the worst (read: BEST) part about marathoning TV is that the list doesn’t ever end. Somewhere in life I’m going to finish BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BLACK SAILS and HANNIBAL, and if-and-when I ever catch up with those bad boys I’ll finally get to AMERICAN HORROR STORY, VIKINGS, DOMINION, ORPHAN BLACK and TRUE DETECTIVE, though not necessarily in that order. Of course, this is theoretically in addition to all the currently airing [summer] shows I try to keep up with as well like SUITS, COVERT AFFAIRS, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and practically every ABC Family show ever. (I see your judging eyes. ABCF is the shit. Sorry, not sorry.)

The moral of this short and distracted story is: Marathoning TV has ruined my life.

And with that, off I go again. Later, haterz.

For many, the LARP subplot in ROLE MODELS was their first exposure to Live Action Role Playing, a “real life” version of Dungeons & Dragons, getting dice rolling fanatics out into the fresh air. And it not only was rife with hilarity, but made us all want to play it.

Unfortunately, the 20 minutes of ROLE MODELS is miles beyond anything found in KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM. A LARP movie, with a brilliant, nerd friendly cast had tons of potential. It’s unfortunate to see it mostly wasted here.

For hundreds of years, an evil, Necronomicon-like book created by John Dee was thought to be lost forever. Unfortunately for the world, it’s been found, and put into the hands of Level 26 perpetually going on 27 wizard Eric (TREME’s Steve Zahn), who treats it like the gag gift that he thinks it is.

Instead, he summons pure evil into the world during a faux sacrifice with his Live Action Role Playing buddies. Oops.

Speaking of pure evil, girls are the worst. Especially long time H.S. girlfriends unimpressed with the direction, or lack thereof, in your life. Enter “doom” metal rocker Joe (TRUE BLOOD’s Ryan Kwanten), flashing his wares at a mechanic shop, clearly out of his preferred element. It’s the night of the big date with Beth (REVENGE’s Margarita Levieva), and fearing that Joe is planning a proposal (he has penned a song instead), cuts the cord, and dumps him.

Apparently, Joe’s been living a meandering life in a castle, with his “accidental millionaire” brother, the aforementioned Eric.

It’s so jarring and weird to see GAME OF THRONE extraordinaire Peter Dinklage as a character named “Hung” who would say “It’s a sativa, dude,” and acting like one of the idiots, rather than being the cleverest person in the room we’re so accustomed to seeing. This isn’t to say that Dinklage doesn’t pull it off, but it’s unfortunate that he’s not given much material, since he’s clearly brought in to be comic relief and awesome.

When Joe gets home, all mopey from Beth’s probably justified dumping, the pair get him life-threateningly drunk and stoned, and Joe wakes up the next day in the back of Eric’s van, in full armor, on the eve of the Battle of Evermore. He’s resistant to jumping into LARP, but apparently has legendary D&D skills from back in the day (it’s hard to believe Ryan Kwanten has ever not spent a night sleeping with women), and now single with nothing better to do, ultimately relents. From there, we learn the rules, etiquette and point system of LARP, meet the over-bearing game master Ronnie (IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA’s Jimmi Simpson, having more fun than most people in this movie) and in order to make Joe eligible to play, Eric must whip up a spell of transference or something.

Instead, Eric gives the demon a body, in the form of Beth, Joe’s ex-girlfriend who now likes to kill people:

This certainly puts a damper on the Battle of Evermore, as Eric, Joe and company attempt to fend off the villainous Beth with little more than foam swords and fake spells.

Oh, and SUMMER GLAU (FIREFLY, not that you needed this parenthetical). In a movie that has Peter Dinklage, Steve Zahn, Ryan Kwanten, Jimmi Simpson and friggin’ Danny Pudi (who is somehow unlikable as “Lando”), we’re all here to see THE sexy nerd Summer Glau be a badass. She gets that chance too infrequently, even with a +3 endowment (her butt).

What was successful was her reason for playing: her younger brother Gunther (Brett Gipson) has trouble separating LARP from reality, and after a disastrous outing to Medieval Times, Gwen has jumped into his world to protect him. It’s adorable, while a hulking brute who’s never off book is great comedy.

I’ll give KOB this: it certainly establishes the world and its characters quickly, and wasting even less time to escalate. KOB doesn’t tread lightly on his presence, racking up a body count quickly. In fact, it kills off the characters you want to see more of, which is unfortunate.

There are practically limitless opportunities for quirky characters, cameos, speeches and scenes within a fake-but-not-really fake Battle filled with LARP’ers, and blessed with such an awesome cast, it makes KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM a frustrating viewing experience. It certainly has funny moments (it’s impossible to ruin the concept), and a satisfying climax, but mostly, it just left me wanting a do-over.

The Blu-Ray features a “Summer Glau Hottie Montage,” which sounded like it could break the internet should it ever get out. Instead, it was a boring interview inter-cut with scenes from the movie that were sexier the first time. There’s also a Peter Dinklage interview, a Steve Zahn interview and two “Horr-o-medy” featurettes, but like the Glau Montage, clock in at 1-2 minutes a piece. Director Joe Lynch has a 7 minute interview, but the cream of the crop is the San Diego Comic-Con panel, clocking in at 48 minutes, featuring everyone in the cast you’d want to see, save Steve Zahn.

KNIGHTS OF BADASSDOM is on Blu-Ray today, April 1st, and is just $19.99 on Amazon.