When THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN was first announced, I was one of the bigger sympathizers, and most open-minded among the blogosphere, thanks mostly to the impeccable casting and interesting choice of Marc Webb as the director.

I loved THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, though it wasn’t as fresh and exhilarating a movie as it could’ve been, merely because it existed in a post-Raimi trilogy world. We didn’t need another origin movie…even if this one may have been better, or at least found the greatest Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy they could’ve possibly found.

But from the moment THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 started being put together, with a spoiler filled ad campaign pronouncing a cavalcade of villains, a SINISTER SIX movie/franchise, it was like Sony and Marc Webb hadn’t learned from the past, and I became bored/disinterested/unenthused with the movie the more we found out, and the closer we came to the release date.

SPIDER-MAN 3 was trash, a mess, one of the worst big budget comic book movies in a sea full of them. It ruined almost all of the goodwill that Raimi had made before, with two of the very best comic book movies the genre had to offer, before Marvel Studios came and rewrote the handbook.

So, it appeared they were going to repeat the same mistakes, throwing Electro, Harry Osborn, Norman Osborn, Dr. Kafka, Felicia Hardy, Rhino, Alistair Smythe and a billion other references/characters.

We love our Easter Eggs…but the impact they have become muted, or lost, when the whole movie feels like one.

Yet, somehow, someway THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN wasn’t a bad movie. The action was thrilling, lush, vibrant, as comic-booky as it gets, with the best web-slinging and wise cracks that Spidey has committed to celluloid. The “New York as a character” shtick that has become weaved into Spidey’s DNA as much as the radioactive spider that created it all, didn’t feel as tacky and forced as the first film, and was still moving and effective.

I hated Paul Giamatti’s Rhino, a mind-numbingly over-the-top caricature…but the more I think about it, that was exactly the point, and he was undeniably an effective bookend, even if the Rhino armor made me want me to drink all of the poison this world has to offer.

There was too much going on. They rushed the Green Goblin story like CRAZY, and if they hadn’t found a brilliant Dane DeHaan who nailed Harry Osborn, and made us almost feel for such a prick, it would’ve been a complete disaster. Even so, he went from not dying to dying in a 0 to 60, kinda normal teenager to villainous freak the SECOND the disease manifests (the timeline of the disease made no sense, but whatever).

Jamie Foxx’s Electro was interesting. I liked that Max Dillon was nuts before he even got powers (instead of being made insane by his powers like every other villain), and his weird infatuation with Spider-Man. I dug how bizarre it all was. It’s a shame he mostly looked like ridiculous CGI (and bright blue)…though I loved when he was pure electrical energy (why would he ever revert back/be vulnerable?). But once he got his power, he was one-dimensional.

The Richard/May Parker conspiracy stuff is BS/lame/like every “mysterious past” story you’ve ever seen, complete with the subway lair. I almost thought Peter had stumbled upon the Ninja Turtles base. The whole thing was unnecessary. Peter’s parents being embroiled in Oscorp, the catch-all, meteor rocks of this universe, just wreaks of over-complication (like this entire movie), and all it really accomplishes is kicks Ben Parker’s sacrifice to the side.

The film would’ve been a disaster, merely a CGI-riddled spectacle, if not for the film’s heart being in the right place, and for Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy.

Marc Webb gets relationships, and if THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 was just PETER & GWEN (or GWEN & PETER), it might’ve been one of my favorite movies ever. They’re perfect together, the chemistry is so crackling that not only am I surprised they’re both not orgasming continuously on set, that I wonder how many people in the audience are getting off on it. Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone…make me so wet, hot and jazzed about humanity.

Yet you knew it has a tragic end (I loved Denis Leary’s Captain Stacy literally haunting Peter throughout), whether you had it spoiled for you or not. There was no avoiding it. If you read the comics or not, it seemed pretty obvious from the start. Gwen Stacy has to die (or does she? That’s opening a whole other can of worms; but I sometimes wonder if Webb and Sony didn’t take advantage of this reboot fully; why not have Aunt May die in Part 1, and MJ the sacrificial character? Try something new. Of course, that’s also sacrilege).

This knowledge, somehow, didn’t subtract or lessen the impact from the story. In many ways, it made it harder, more impactful, more tragic. You KNOW Peter is going to endanger Gwen (but in reality, she endangers herself, thankfully), and she’s going to die, though you don’t really know how, or when. And I think Webb and company treated the whole thing tastefully, perfectly. I loved that Peter was going to follow Gwen to London, and the idea of Spidey traveling around London searching for Jack the Ripper, sounded like the greatest movie ever. But…it wasn’t meant to be…making it all the more heartbreaking.

There has never been a better “love interest” in a superhero movie than Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacy. She doesn’t even deserve that term, she transcended it. She wasn’t a damsel in distress, a flat character there to be saved or smooched, like Kirsten Dunst’s MJ or Jane Foster or Pepper Potts (until a brief “Rescue” stint) or practically ALL of the women in superhero movies. Gwen wasn’t a stereotype. She stood on her own two feet, and was just the best.

Subtracting Gwen Stacy from the proceedings doesn’t exactly make me excited for the sequels, since she and Peter were most of what make the franchise worth watching, or rebooting.

For that reason, and the fact that the villains were arguably the worst parts of this film (outside of the Parker Mythos), the film left me with a sense of foreboding.

Sony’s plan, to utilize Spider-Man’s incredible rogues gallery, and give them the focus, was a unique, and certainly an inspired take. Or could be. But judging from what we’ve seen here…where every villain is a rushed cliche, will we want to see a movie starring a bunch of them? A villainous, evil Avengers-like POV could be awesome, but I’m not very optimistic based on the evidence we’ve gathered so far.

What will THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 3 and 4 look like, and will I care? I already feel exhausted, thanks to a quick reboot, and the promise of a new Spidey-centric movie every year. But the third one won’t have what works/worked so beautifully about these first two movies: Emma Stone’s Gwen Stacy, and the relationship between Peter and Gwen. It was beautiful, and throwing Mary Jane or Felicia into the mix to replace Gwen could prove disastrous.

Of course…I actually think it could be the biggest opportunity in the movies to come. As I said, Marc Webb thrives with the human element, with Peter Parker, and showing him grieve, and wrestle with the terrifying prospect of potentially moving on from Gwen, or even allowing himself happiness, could be fascinating. It’s how we as the viewers will also feel, when Mary Jane comes on screen for the first time (cutting Shailene Woodley from the film was a rare show of restraint in the sequel, and THANK GOD they chose to do that; it would’ve been distracting, or worse, tasteless), we’re going to be just as apprehensive as Peter is, or just as mad/betrayed if he finds her attractive/bewitching. Chemistry is going to be a huge determining factor of whether or not it can succeed. Gwen was Peter’s soulmate, or at least that’s how we feel. How does one move on from that? It’s a complex and difficult question to answer for any movie, let alone a superhero movie where Mysterio, Kraven the Hunter, Venom, Doc Ock, Carnage, Shocker, the Enforcers, Chameleon, etc. are probably bumming around New York.

Unfortunately, it’ll likely be lost/hindered in that tangle of Sinister Six-ness, as Sony tries to introduce EVERY villain imaginable in one movie, so they can get Sinister Six off the ground. Because there’s no reason for Sony to muck with the formula.

Despite mixed reviews, 5 movies in 12 years, the audiences certainly aren’t showing the same fatigue that I am. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2’s sterling opening weekend box office (and incredible overseas haul to this point), will indicate to Sony and other studios, that this kind of overstuffed sequel is what the audiences want and crave. I’m not without blame. I knew what I was getting into…and paid $19.50 to see the film in 3-D IMAX on a Friday night. So maybe it is what the average (dumb) moviegoer wants and deserves, but there’s potential for more, and that’s why THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2 will be eternally frustrating.

It’s up in the air on whether it was Sony’s new formula, a harbinger of what’s to come, which means we should start the clock for when the enchilada collapses in on itself, and another reboot is necessary, because you know Spider-Man isn’t going anywhere.

Be sure to listen to the end credits music while reading this post.

When someone gets on a high horse about remakes, calmly tap them on a shoulder and tell them that without remakes, we never would have gotten HOMEWARD BOUND, a remake of the 1963, coming thirty years later.

I don’t know if there’s a movie that more encapsulates growing up in the early 90’s than HOMEWARD BOUND: THE INCREDIBLE JOURNEY (1993). I don’t know if there’s a more perfectly made movie for what it set out to be than HOMEWARD BOUND. After disturbingly cutting his teeth on TWIN PEAKS, Duwayne Dunham made his feature film directorial debut with HOMEWARD BOUND, and followed it up with another instant classic in LITTLE GIANTS.

HOMEWARD BOUND is like OLD YELLER with talking animals, that didn’t bother with making their animals bark or move their mouths when they spoke. It didn’t matter then and it doesn’t matter now.

Bob Seaver (AIRPLANE!’s Robert Hays) and Laura Burnford-Seaver (BRAZIL and MANHUNTER’s Kim Greist) are getting married, and bridging two families together, as well as a slew of pets. It’s a complicated situation that almost every kid can grasp onto in some respects. Sometimes it’s almost too real, with the bickering between the siblings and the step-parents, along with the added dimension of misbehaving pets.

There’s frizzy haired Hope Burnford, who looks like a young American Hermione Granger. She’s played by Veronica Lauren, who would go on to play Vocal Jazz Girl in AMERICAN PIE and have a 7 year tenure on DAYS OF OUR LIVES. She’s hot now:

Jamie (Kevin Chevalia) was sometimes the only one sticking in Chance’s corner, and was one of the least annoying little boys in a kid’s movie ever. He still has his moments.

Peter (Benj Thall) sadly did continue acting, but he’ll always be Peter to me. He should’ve moved right into CHRONICLES OF NARNIA as Peter in that franchise.

Kate (GARDEN STATE and 24’s Jean Smart) is the reason the animals think they’re abandoned, as the family leaves them at her Ranch (“in good hands”), and then SHE LEAVES THEM herself, with just a poor ranch hand left behind. No wonder Shadow, Sassy and Chance were so concerned. Kate is the real villain in this movie, if not mud, porcupines and rivers.

This movie is all about the pets, just like life. Sally Field has been channeling her Sassy (Tiki the Cat) performance in every other role since (especially LINCOLN), as the feline and female presence of the trio. She’s annoying and snooty, but like cats themselves, take a bit of warming up to get used to.

Chance is Michael J. Fox’s second best role, in a career littered with excellence. Chance is the Michelangelo of the group, the fun-loving dog rescued from the pound that isn’t ready to be locked into a relationship with a human…until he learns what it takes to be a man/dog from Yoda/God/Gandalf/Saint/Giles. That would be Shadow, the greatest dog who’s ever lived, the dog that we all identify with the most, the impossible example that all real life dogs must live up to. The dog that we want, the honorable, loyal, loving, smart, old Shadow.

Michael J. Fox kills it as Chance (or Rattler, the dog we see), providing exuberance that pours out of his fur coat, despite the funky telepathic delivery. But it’s Don Ameche, the man who voices Shadow, that lets us into his soul.

Don Ameche is a Hollywood legend. The guy was in the original THE THREE MUSKETEERS way back in 1939. He played Alexander Graham Bell in a movie, which seems like something that would happen in the 1930’s. He was on THE LOVE BOAT, COCOON, and appeared alongside Eddie Murphy in COMING TO AMERICA and my personal favorite TRADING PLACES as Mortimer Duke. You might remember him from this scene:

His role as Shadow steals the film, and in many ways, the events of the film mirror Don Ameche’s life. It’s the second to last film he worked on, and he died the year HOMEWARD BOUND came out. But it was his spirit and soul that we all responded to, when he summoned depths we all could only hope to skim the surface of, when Shadow (played by Ben the golden retriever) clambers out of that infernal mud pit. All to get back to his Peter. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

Or if you want to stew in depression, here’s the whole scene:

And here’s the most triumphant, best scene in cinematic history:

Shivers. Goosebumps. All of the tears.

 HOMEWARD BOUND DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Every time Sassy is a snooty, uptight bitch, drink.

2. Drink every time Jamie yells “Chance!” Unsurprisingly, child actor Kevin Chevalia retired after the HOMEWARD BOUND sequel, since yelling Chance so superbly was impossible to top.

3. Laugh and drink whenever humans and animals try to communicate, or have a one-sided conversation (or so the humans think…!).

4. Whenever the weather changes, have a drink. So, like once for that massive storm.

5. Drink for every new mode of transportation.

6. Drink whenever Chance says Bonzai!

7. Drink whenever the (true) mantra of Dogs Rule and Cats Drool is repeated.

8. When our trio cross a log, take a sip.

9. Drink when Chance returns home.

10. Drink when Sassy returns home.

11. Finish your drink when Shadow returns home.

12. Drink whenever you cry.

But what actors or actresses are TV networks missing? What character actors could be stars if given the right vehicle? What underrated funny man could make a big splash on a new sitcom, or remake his career as a dramatic star? What actor are we being deprived of at this very moment?

The answer to that series of questions has a near infinite number of answers, but for the first installment of “BLANK Needs His/Her Own TV Show,” I choose…

Rowan Atkinson.

Most Americans know him solely as Mr. Bean, one of the most annoying (and great) slapstick comic characters of all-time, and a role that has doomed Rowan Atkinson of doing pretty much anything else. JOHNNY ENGLISH doesn’t count and his narcoleptic character in RAT RACE, while hilarious, didn’t do him any favors.

But the man has serious talent, not just for broad comedy, but for sharp, acerbic comedy, with one of the driest wits I’ve seen, shown off time and time again on the vehicle that made him famous in Britain…BLACK ADDER. As the many iterations of Blackadder throughout various time periods and holidays, Rowan Atkinson was pure genius, blessed with a terrific supporting cast (Tony Robinson, I heart you).

If BLACK ADDER aired today, it’d surely be right up there with DOCTOR WHO and SHERLOCK in terms of fandemonium. It was that clever and good. Atkinson, by the way, would’ve been a fantastic Doctor, and even played the Doctor in a TV movie COMIC RELIEF: DOCTOR WHO AND THE CURSE OF FATAL DEATH, seen below:

Rowan Atkinson was the Blackadder on a critically acclaimed series that refuses to be forgotten, over four installments/series, ranging from 1982 to 1989. A year later, BEAN was born.

At the beginning, he was able to parlay his popularity into a movie career, with roles in FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL, LION KING and HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX, but before long, he was only Mr. Bean or Johnny English.

Some people love the characters, and I don’t want to disrespect those people, or Atkinson for those roles. But I think he can do so much more, particularly in the field of drama, by following in the footsteps of one of the key supporting cast members of BLACK ADDER.

That’d be Hugh Laurie, who was merely a loutish King George, rarely displaying the range of Rowan Atkinson on the show. But clearly, the guy had talent, charisma, and the ability to play an asshole, and the Brit’s unparalleled mastery over diction helped him be the kind of smartass doctor the world found out it sort of loved.

Rowan Atkinson has all of those abilities, and it’d be a damn shame for him not to get the vehicle to show them off. In a world where every show the BBC churns out is gold, and beloved in Britain AND in America, it’s a crime that Rowan Atkinson isn’t on one of them, or the front-man of another.

He could dominate as a lead lawyer on whatever new crime/law procedural CBS is churning out next year, or as a clumsy Dad with a heart of gold on a painful sitcom, but I also want more for Rowan.

I want for him to have the sort of stage that Kelsey Grammer received for BOSS, a (flawed) show that hinged almost entirely upon his villainy. But as BOSS and RAKE has shown, people are growing a little tired of one-note jerks. I want something Shakespearean, something BIG, something that isn’t him playing a bumbling anything.

I think Netflix offers a lot of great opportunities, to start, such as a guest stint on HOUSE OF CARDS that pits him against Kevin Spacey, which would be an ideal kick in the pants for his career, while a small but scene-stealing performance in the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT movie (or season 5 or whatever) could showcase his range and boost his cred. I’d also love if he could find a role (any of them) on GAME OF THRONES. Or a villainous turn on SHERLOCK would be perfection. Give him one of the detective slots in the next season of TRUE DETECTIVE (with Tony Robinson). From there, Rowan Atkinson should have the pick of the litter when it comes to lead dramatic (or comedy) roles. He clearly shined when given a chance to recreate history (for sport) on BLACK ADDER, so imagine him as a conniving Iago-type to a King? Or the corrupt King himself? He has Bryan Cranston-like upside, a guy who was primarily known for being a ridiculous Dad on MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE before BREAKING BAD. If given a shot, I think we could finally start loving Rowan Atkinson for another role, and it’d be about damn time.

It’d surely bring forth less terrifying results than this, at least:

Every time, your answer should be fuck yes.

What follows is my way of introduction to ye faithful reader(s). Rather than inundating you with vague autobiographical information, I thought I’d let you discover my life through movies, by sharing seven of my absolute favorite childhood movies. While none of these is my favorite movie (since I can remember, BACK TO THE FUTURE has been my answer to that question, but GALAXY QUEST is closing in), and I’ve seen so many mind blowing movies that have changed my life or inspired me since, movies just have a bigger impact on you when you’re younger. Movies are more pure precisely because you are, as you haven’t yet left Neverland and grown up, and aren’t yet saddled with life’s expectations and complications. In many ways, I’m still the same kid who yearns to be the manager of a professional baseball team rather than endure the pressure of actual playing, like in LITTLE BIG LEAGUE, or the alienated monster kid who longs to be a part of Scooby’s gang in SCOOBY DOO AND THE GHOUL SCHOOL.

Let’s go, shall we?

Mary Poppins (1964)

Before I was too cool to spend New Year’s Eve with my parents, my sister and I used to watch movies until midnight with the folks, back when that was a big deal. The first year we started this tradition (I don’t know exactly how old I was), my Mom put her foot down (she was steppin’ in time) and made us watch MARY POPPINS. I, of course, was resistant to something that sounded so girly and silly and stupid. This was before I would embrace my wacky self, and my feminine side, and many a movie that’s frowned upon by insecure dudes and “grown up” men and women. Now, I’m all for it, and this classic live-action (with some animation) musical with Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke was a big reason for that.

Each song is beautiful, from the protest-power song of “Sister Suffragette” that fit in with the socially conscious 60’s era even if the film itself took place when women were fighting for the right to vote (while still painfully subservient to their dopey husbands like Mrs. Banks), to the pop cultural might of “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius.” Yeah, because of that song’s greatness (and my current obsession with the soundtrack on Spotify) I could spell that without consulting Google. There’s “Spoonful of Sugar,” which is one of three songs that actually do make chores more bearable (if only the truism “in every job that must be done there is an element of fun” was true). The dreary and touching “Feed the Birds” is as manipulative as a Sarah MacLaughlan puppy ad, but no less effective.

It’s a film that has a classic joke that doesn’t make sense to any but English majors (least of all children) yet is still hilarious: “My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him, ‘What was the name of his other leg?'” Misplaced modifier humor: what gets better than that?!

The film not only gives us animated singing and dancing animals, a chaste but no less dreamy love story between Bert and Mary, but is a socially conscious picture that empowers women (somewhat), and perhaps its finest achievement is chronicling the development of Mr. Banks from the gruff, stern, responsible banker to lovable family man. For any young man with designs at a large future, try not to tremble at the opening lines of David Tomlinson’s finest moment, in “A Man Has Dreams”:

A man has dreams of walking with giantsTo carve his niche in the edifice of timeBefore the mortar of his zealHas a chance to congealThe cup is dashed from his lipsThe flame is snuffed aborningHe’s brought to rack and ruin in his prime.

It’s DEATH OF A SALESMAN in song.

Dick Van Dyke: dancer, beau, singer, comedian, actor…rapper? Just listen to his fast-talking singing at the end of “Jolly Holiday” and other moments sprinkled throughout this beautiful film. While the film is titled after Ms. Poppins, it’s Bert’s character that absolutely steals the show and grounds the narrative. He’s just an honest (and obscenely talented) man scraping to get by, but he’s somehow charmed the world’s luverly-iest woman, and in so doing, made it seem like Bert is the one out of Mary Poppins’ league. Bert should’ve ended the misplaced belief that the impoverished are poor because they’re lazy, as he works as a chimney sweep, artist and a one-man band.

It wasn’t until senior year of high school until I truly accepted who I was, and shared the weird to the world, and was no longer embarrassed that I read comics, or that I had never dated a girl. I think I’d be grasping at fate to intimate a legitimate connection between that leap than with Bert’s leaps across rooftops, but it’s clear he was a worthy role model all along, and perhaps that leap wouldn’t have been possible without Dick Van Dyke’s complete all-in with Bert. I oftentimes wish I had embraced the message proliferated by Bert sooner. Would I have taken up theatre? Would I have learned to read music, or to sing? I feel like that’s passed me by, or loses its luster after high school and college, but MARY POPPINS’ timelessness says otherwise. It’s never too late; a man has dreams, after all.

If you’re not whistling or clicking your heels by the end of the film, and inspired by the buoyant, jubilant ending number “Let’s Fly A Kite,” that is as touching a moment between a father and his children as any, then you’re a serious Grinch.

The film may border on the cartoonish, literally and figuratively, but it’s also real, as symbolized by Bert’s wonderfully simple line: “Life is a rum go, governor” in response to Mr. Banks’ turmoil before his enlightenment. Of course, it also glorifies poverty, displaying more happy, grimy chimney sweeps than have probably ever existed.

Further evidence that Dick Van Dyke is the most talented man in show business ever:

If you doubt the power and magic of this movie, click your heels to the following (admittedly bad quality) video of “Step in Time,” my favorite song from the film:

Recently, I watched this movie with a few of my friends, tailored a drinking game to its wondrous content, and ended the night trying and failing to emulate D-V-D on the dance floor. The experience informed my Halloween costume this year.

While I haven’t found the woman, that when I hold her hand, I feel so grand, and my heart starts beating like a big brass band, it’s remains a jolly holiday when you spend it with Mary. Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, I love you!

But not her:

I have no idea why, but Karen Dotrice, who plays Jane Banks, terrifies me, for her role in the immortal cat film THREE LIVES OF THOMASINA. GODDAMN YOU THOMASINA.