The following list is based off my own discretion. Those I thought were interesting, those I liked, those I disliked. I got all the “major” villains, a few “minor” villains, and left out the more obscure villains (Shere Khan and Madam Mim? No one remembers them! But I do adore THE SWORD IN THE STONE. JUNGLEBOOK…not so much.)

L-to-R: Dr. Facilier, Ursula, Maleficient, The Evil Queen, Claude Frollo

With no further ado, here we go.

18. LADY TREMAINE (CINDERELLA)

As far as villains go, Lady T. was pretty weak. She had no real substance other than hating Cinderella, and while her daughters were a laugh and who didn’t love Lucifer, she was neither frightening nor interesting to watch. If we’re being honest, the scariest part about her was her hair.

17. THE EVIL QUEEN (SNOW WHITE)

The only reason she isn’t ranked last is because she absolutely terrified me as a child. I think I’ve watched SNOW WHITE a total of one time in my life because The Evil Queen’s old hag gave me nightmares for what seems like years. On how evil she is, there are quite a few vain villains on this list, and she is just another face in the crowd. Albeit, a goddamn scary one.

16. MALEFICENT (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Mallie-poo could turn into a dragon, and that’s pretty badass. Was she especially interesting? Nah, not really. I haven’t seen SLEEPING BEAUTY in ages, but I don’t recall there being any particular reason for Maleficent cursing baby Aurora. While the upcoming live-action MALEFICENT may serve to bump her up this list, as it stands now she was more “awesome-dragon-lady” than “run-for-the-hills-lady.” (Footnote: All the Disney posts of this week were originally conceived in honor of MALEFICENT’s premiere today, May 30, 2014. Cheers to a new generation of Fairy Tales, both Villains and Princesses alike!)

15. YZMA (THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE)

Yzma was hilarious. Everything about that skeleton-looking witch with absurd eye-lashes was hilarious, especially when she was turned into a cat. Villain-wise, she wasn’t nearly as evil as some of the other folks on here, but comedy-wise she was a hoot.

14. GASTON (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

Gaston was one cocky SOB. From the second he comes on-screen, you can’t help but want to punch him in his overly-chiseled jaw. He’s rude, crass, and way too narcissistic for someone who isn’t even all that sexy. If it came down it, I’d have taken Scar (a goddamn lion) over that fool, any day.

13. CAPTAIN HOOK (PETER PAN)

The Cap’n was awesome. Twisted, demented, in desperate need of some life-long therapy, yes, but awesome nonetheless. One handed and still able to capture a fairy? And – bonus – a rightful fear of crocs, ‘cause them is scary mofo’s. And one really must appreciate the irony of a man being so terrified of a clock on an island where time stands still. Therapy for days.

12. GOVERNOR RADCLIFFE (POCAHONTAS)

Governor Asshat is so high on this list because he shot John Smith. …And, you know, the general racism of wanting to exterminate (insert Dalek-icon here) an entire race of people. Should probably mention that too.

11. JAFAR (ALADDIN)

Every time I think of Jafar, I get two immediate thoughts: 1) Jasmine in that little red number, and 2) Jafar’s voice echoing in my head, “A snake, am I? Perhaps you’d like to see how snake like I can be!” and I get goosebumps. While a horrible racial depiction of brown-folks, Jafar was easily one of the most traumatizing villains Disney ever produced. He tuned Rajah into a little kitty (WHICH WAS ADORABLE), turned Abu into a tiny toy, locked Jasmine in an hourglass after making her his sex-slave, and allowed Iago to be fed those disgusting crackers.

10. DR. FACILIER (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

In terms of badness, the good Doctor could definitely have been worse (Frogs are pretty weak. They weren’t even poisonous frogs!) But in terms of creep factor, The Shadow Man could give even Jafar a run for his money. Sadistic, manipulative, horribly frightening, Keith David once again found a way to chill us to our core bringing to life the epitome of rotten, bottom-feeding scumbags.

9. HADES (HERCULES)

Hilarious. Flamboyant. Pretty cool blue-flame-hair. Comedic timing anyone would kill for… Hades was a pretty good character, and even better villain. Would you make our hero Hercules surrender himself to the river Styx to save Megara? Watching the love of your life’s soul be devoured by the infamous mythological river (which was inaccurately portrayed like the entire rest of the movie) would have made anyone crazy, and Hades was a genius for subjecting Hercules to it. Cruel, but genius.

8. GOTHEL (TANGLED)

What a B. She was even more self-obsessed than Gaston, with even less inhibition. Crazy-G was ready to let a man die to keep her kidnapped daughter locked in a tower against her will, so that she could stay young forever. On further examination, it’s doctor recommended she be locked in a psych ward with mandatory daily shrink sessions to deal with her serious control issues. And preferably with a boat-load of tranquilizers.

7. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS (ALICE IN WONDERLAND)

Not much really needs to be said about The Queen. She was cuh-razy. A demented, probably bipolar female, with a penchant for beheading when she gets a bit testy? I’d pay to see this wacko go up against Cersei, and am honestly unsure if I’d be Team Lannister or Team Psychopath.

6. CRUELLA DE VIL (101 DALMATIONS)

Speaking of the crazies, this lady was maniacal and wanted to murder a bunch of a puppies. And really, girl? That hair? No words, Cruey. No words.

5. URSULA (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

Ursula was baller. I don’t just say that because THE LITTLE MERMAID is my favorite Disney film, I say that because Ursula was baller. In a world of pretty mermaids and talking fish, she was a goddamn cecaelia. She was crude and vulgar, with such a manipulative disposition it made your skin crawl. She tells Ariel that Eric won’t give a damn what she says, as long as she looks the part, and encourages her to use her body to get what she wants. And when Ariel almost succeeds, she transforms herself into a sexy little vixen and uses freaking mind-control to get Eric away from her. If that’s not an unhinged, rabid crone, nothing is.

4. SCAR (THE LION KING)

Y’all didn’t think I’d forget Scar, did you? That’s cute. Scar killed Mufasa, left baby Simba fatherless, and then made Simba think it was all his fault. And the award for worst family member ever goes to…

3. HANS (FROZEN)

[Insert all the curse words ever here.]

Hans.

[Insert all the curse words ever in EVERY OTHER LANGUAGE EVER here.]

2. SHAN YU (MULAN)

Murdered hundreds. Had a really cool birdy, but he murdered hundreds. The words, “Besides, the little girl will be missing her doll.” will run circles around my nightmares for, probably, the rest of my life… I mean, the dude POPPED OUTA THE SNOW. LIKE A DAISY. He was everything you would ever want in a villain, and then a lot more you wouldn’t.

1. CLAUDE FROLLO (THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)

I feel as if Frollo gets left off these lists, or shoved to the very bottom, way too often. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME is usually forgotten altogether; no princes or princesses, an ugly main character, a couple of average songs at best (which isn’t actually true – the soundtrack’s quite beautiful – but is, again, forgotten) and an ehh-he’s-OK villain. Except he’s not ehh, nor just “OK.” Claude Frollo was possibly the most despicable, disgusting, inhuman, wretched monster that Disney ever gave us. A “justice deacon” who was anything but just, he was not only a racist, callous and barbaric character that lacked any redeeming qualities, he called for a genocide of the entire Parisian gypsy population. He thought gypsies were sinful animals, unclean and impure, yet that still didn’t stop him from being so sexually attracted to Esmeralda that he gave her a choice to either love him or die. A blatant misogynist, Frollo condemned Esmeralda as a prostitute and heathen when she rejected him, citing that he was coerced by demons into being attracted to her. That, on top of his shunning of the disfigured Quasimodo, locking the poor soul in the tower and forbidding him to ever see the light of day, easily puts the foul and abhorrent Claude Frollo at the top of the list.

It’s always a challenge to rank characters; most, if not all, have qualities to both admire and despise, but in this particular case, there is no competition – the throne is rightly thrown (sharp end first please, and see what I did there?) at the heinous and vile Frollo, while the rest can chill and have a drink that while they while they may not be seated on Disney’s Iron Throne, they sure won’t be poisoned in an act of sweet retribution, either.

Clockwise, TOP L-to-R: Maleficent, Cruella de Vil, Scar, The Evil Queen, Hades, Ursula, Hook, Jafar

Like GRIMM, I’ve been hanging onto ONCE UPON A TIME out of habit, and kind of hating myself for still watching it. When OUAT first came on the air, I was forced to watch it for work, but quickly, I was surprised by how much I liked it, despite its abundant flaws. The first season was great, introducing a world with near limitless potential, a slew of great characters and actors (and more mediocre ones).

As it progressed, the flaws grew more noticeable, the bumps and bruises more prevalent than the fucking happy ending that we have to hear about every 30 seconds. There were no stakes: death proved more frivolous and less permanent than something out of a 1990’s comicbook, and none of the characters had anything to lose…because OUAT would always revert back to its same formula, with the Evil Queen evil again, Emma stubborn and un-believing, Snow and Prince Charming painfully in love but without any chemistry to show for it (yet they’re married in real life, go figure), and Henry bogging down the narrative with Project Give Me a Break.

The third season shaved off the fat and sent the main cadre of heroes and villains to Neverland to deal with a Big Bad Peter Pan, a fantastic idea that they never fully capitalized on. But, the show was trying to muck with the formula, and threatening to up the ante. They killed off Rumpelstiltskin, a risky move that was hard to fathom being permanent, since Robert Carlyle is the best part of the show.

They came closer with Zelena and the Wicked Witch storyline, thanks to a maliciously game Rebecca Mader (LOST). Rumpel was of course brought back to life…but it came with a price: his son’s life. It was heartbreaking, heroic on Neal/Baelfire’s part, and made us pay for having Rumpel back. All of a sudden, in a show that constantly harped on about magic requiring a price, OUAT was starting to pay it.

The Evil Queen’s journey to redemption has been fantastic, and her finding true love (again) with Robin Hood was one of the more pleasurable subplots of the latter half of the third season, as SHE was the savior, and not Emma, against Zelena. While the Robin Hood love story was forced, it all worked, because Lana Parilla’s the best, and we somehow want to root for her, even though they’ve gone back and forth on her being evil, kinda good, antihero, and all the shades inbetween.

In the two part, two hour finale, that is a madcap time travel adventure that I loved, despite its logic leaps, Emma saves a woman from certain death, something that would irrevocably change the future. That woman turned out to be Marian (Christie Laing), Robin Hood’s deceased love. Right when Regina is truly happy, and has Robin Hood, OUAT throws one of its best curveballs ever, bringing back Robin’s first true love back from the dead. The twist was brilliant (and since we’ve never seen Marian dead, it’s the good kind of death reversal), and totally caught me off-guard, and I’ve never felt more for Regina…but I hope that this doesn’t serve to reset Regina back into Evil Queen mode, rinse, and repeat. The head writers and creators, Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis, claim that this won’t be the case, and I believe them. This isn’t the same Regina that swore vengeance on Snow White, even if the parallels with her daughter are there. It could devolve back into that…and if it does, I probably will stop watching OUAT. But I’m more optimistic for the show’s future than I have been since the awesome end of season 1.

Another wonderful thing that happened in the finale was Emma and Captain Hook-ing up, which has been a long time coming. Hook has been one of the consistently great things in OUAT since Colin O’Donoghue appeared, and they earned this moment. I’m sure it’ll go to shit immediately, but for now, yay.

But, what everyone talked about with the finale came in the final moments. Marian isn’t the only thing that came back from the past with Emma and Hook.

Yup. Elsa is coming to ONCE UPON A TIME, less than a year after the movie came out in theaters, an unheard of and incredible turnaround. This entrance brought with it a million questions (will Idina Menzel reprise the role? Is Anna coming along for the ride, and would Kristen Bell be into it? Is Elsa a villain? Is she going to be another long lost relative in this convoluted, silly family Storybrooke tree? Are we going to see Arendale?), and because FROZEN is a behemoth, likely has promised the show its best ratings ever with its fourth season premiere, when we start to get some answers.

Until then, I’m just going to take solace in the fact that I care about ONCE UPON A TIME again, and since FROZEN is probably the biggest property that Disney owns (non-Marvel division), they’ll likely be very hands on in making sure ABC and the OUAT writers don’t muck it up. See ya in September.

For many in my generation, HOOK is a seminal film, perhaps outstripping even Disney’s original animated tale PETER PAN (1953). To film experts, it’s mostly reviled, or a love/hate affair. When you grew up in the 90’s (or consuming its many delectable treats), it’s hard to fathom anyone ever having a negative word to say about HOOK, but like fairies, they do exist. It’s got a 31% on Rotten Tomatoes after all, and is considered one of Steven Spielberg’s biggest duds.

But for many of us, the Academy can keep SCHINDLER’S LIST; we’ll be too busy re-watching HOOK all over again, crowing and Ru-Fi-Oh-ing to care. The film was envisioned as a sequel to J.M. Barrie’s PETER AND WENDY, positing Peter Pan after he’s all grown up and forgotten the thrills of Neverland, and his most fearsome nemesis: Captain Hook. The script came from James V. Hart and Malia Scotch Marmo, which I originally only included because Malia Scotch Marmo is an awesome name. She also co-adapted Michael Crichton’s JURASSIC PARK with David Koepp, so clearly she has some chops. James V. Hart followed up HOOK with his own children’s book in 2005 called CAPT. HOOK: THE ADVENTURES OF A NOTORIOUS YOUTH, a prequel about the crocodile fearing Captain’s adolescence. He also wrote MUPPET TREASURE ISLAND, so clearly he loves pirates, and is a genius (SAHARA, AUGUST RUSH and EPIC not withstanding). I’d say that the world of Peter Pan is all he’s got, but he also wrote CONTACT and BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA and is far more successful than I’ll ever be.

HOOK is pretty ridiculous; and it only gets crazier the older the movie gets. Robin Williams, the hairiest man alive, plays a grown up Peter Pan. He’s no longer fun or a kid, so in many ways, the mission is for Peter to become a lot like the character in JACK, when Robin Williams is a 5th grader in a 40 year old Robin Williams body and banging Jennifer Lopez (no wonder that movie is so friggin’ disturbing). Dustin Hoffman as a Rollie Fingers-like mustachioed Hook (because David Bowie turned the role down) who says lines like “To a ten year old, I’m huge” (which is a. creepy and b. hilarious since Dustin Hoffman is about 4 feet tall)? Julie Roberts as Tink? Glenn Close foreshadowed her Oscar nominated role as Albert Knobbs (in the aptly titled film ALBERT KNOBBS) as the “pirate shut in the chest with a scorpion.” A heavily made up Maggie Smith was Granny Wendy…who now kinda looks like what Maggie Smith looks like today (if she was in GANGI). It even has (the) Phil Collins as Inspector Good, and he doesn’t even break out into song. For all of these reasons and more (there’s a reason every single pop song has a line longing to be “forever young”), HOOK is a perfect nostalgic drinking game. And, since we can’t prevent ourselves from getting older by following the second star on the right, straight on till morning, at least when we drink enough, we can revert back to being a stupid, helpless child for a night. It’s just what J.M. Barrie would’ve wanted.

DRINKING GAME RULES: “Drink At Home, Jack” Edition

1. Drink every time you see a watch or a clock. Each separate watch/clock counts. I’d double it for the Crocodile Clock Tower (or, Croctower).

2. Have a sip whenever someone screams “Bangarang”! This could include those in the audience cheering on the Lost Boys.

3. Drink if anyone in the room mistakenly thinks Robin Williams’ character is named Peter Panning (so I guess keep this rule a secret). No, it’s hilariously Peter Banning. Subtle.

4. “Looky looky, I got Hoochie”: Drink for every Rufio chant. If you’re not crying when he wishes Peter Pan was his father, you’re either stone-hearted, or realized Robin Williams was a terrible Dad throughout the entire film. Also, watch this if you wanna get sad about Dante Basco’s “career”:

5. Take a sip and exalt in happiness and glory whenever Raushan Hammond’s Thud Butt smiles. Thud Butt’s smile is one of the purest pleasures in life.

6. Waterfall for however long Thud Butt is in “bowling ball” mode.

7. Drink any time a character crows.

8. Finish your drink whenever a fairy dies.

9. Drink for every over-the-top (Peter’s afraid of flying!) to subtle (check out his immense shadow when he’s about to blow up at his kids) reference to Peter Pan and his Neverland origins.

10. Drink when you realize Gwyneth freaking Paltrow is young Wendy. There’s probably a joke in here somewhere in the fact that she plays a young Queen Elizabeth and Dame Maggie Smith…is British and not Dame Judi Dench.

11. Take a sip every time Robin Williams brandishes his super old and dated cell phone.

12. Drink every time Hook says “Run home, Jack.”

13. This isn’t a rule, but when we learn that Peter Pan’s origin story involves his parents leaving him in a bundle floating on the river…it’s clear that in an alternate universe, when Peter Pan grows up, he becomes THE PENGUIN!

Alright, that’s all for now. Until the inevitable RUFIO movie that absolutely needs to happen, and would break box office records if so (or at least it would if James Cameron was directing it in the ENTOURAGE movie).

LOSE YOUR MARBLES VERSION: Drink every time someone says Hook. Seriously, don’t try this at home, or anywhere, or you’ll be saying Toodles to your sanity, and the cleanliness of your carpet.

EXPERT VERSION: Don’t buy any beer at all, and just “imagine” there is booze in front of you. If you pull this off, you’re either God, or a psychopath. I want you at my party either way.

That day I actually did have a plan: find my way to the meeting spot for the free London tour by some important arch (Wellington Arch). I decided I’d walk through Hyde Park to do so, the other notable park in London, and one that I was staying quite close too. Again, like Regent’s Park, I immediately felt at home. Maybe it was the Kensington Gardens, the pretentious sculptures, or maybe I just like bird shit. The park is split by the Serpentine, a 28 acre lake that one can boat on or eat and drink beside, or walk along. I did the latter, since I’m a cheap bastard, a recurring theme. The park also houses the Diana Fountain, a tribute to Wonder Woman I believe. It also houses the Serpentine Art Gallery, which was free to go inside, and it was a thrilling seven minutes. I almost went into the Kensington Palace because Kensington is a great British name (and I believe an Austin Powers broad), and because the Palace looked like some kooky Alice in Wonderland-like exhibit, but it required money, and I had more pressing business: I had to get my Mom a picture of the Peter Pan statue. Despite putting myself in danger of missing the free tour, I took the picture, even though kids were obscuring it for awhile, what the fuck? Because this paragraph wasn’t really exciting I feel like it’s worth mentioning that my Mom split her head open trying to fly like Peter Pan. She was 17.

I assumed I had plenty of time to get to the tour, but Hyde Park covers 350 acres. That’s like nine Ron Jeremy penises. Needless to say I barely made the tour in time, but I’m glad I did. I relished the company of Thomas the Tour Guide, a young Irish lad, and met my first couple fellow Americans (Nathan from Arizona and Iesha, yes Iesha, from Arkansas). Basically, we saw a lot: Buckingham Palace and I was able to see like three of the guards during the changing of the guard (because it’s a fucking zoo during the ceremony), the Houses of Parliament, Trafalgar Square, the Churchill War Museums, Big Ben (which is actually the name of the bells, not the actual clock), etc. And it was free! Great solid tour, and it’s been posited, and I concur, that these free tours may even be better than the ones that you actually pay for, because the tour guides are young, vivacious peeps working for tips, so it promises to be lively, informative, and a lot of fucking walking.

After we met at a pub I forgot, but it was probably an animal and a human, like The Lion and the Child (you combine animal-animal or animal-human or color-animal or famous British family-“Arms” to create an English pub. It’s taught in elementary school). Once there, I tipped Thomas, ate ice cream and waffles for lunch (I eat like a child when travelling, apparently), bought tickets for the London Pub Crawl through the tour company to meet some people and get drunk (conveniently forgetting my aforementioned plans with Maggie). Turns out Iesha was heading to Oxford in the next couple days, which happened to be my next destination. She put down my facebook information but never contacted me in Oxford, that bitch.

Huh. There’s a lot of parentheticals in this post. Get used to it (seriously).

Following some other girl’s advice on the tour I went back to Camden Town Market for dinner to purchase a Turkish wrap (sausage, cheese, spinach and yoghurt, yeah check out that ‘h’). Done. Divine. Also had like the equivalent of a prawn samosa at a Brazilian stand. Meh.

Then….PUB CRAWL.

Next time: Andy has a miserable time, a fantastic time, a drunk time and one of the more horrifying sleeping arrangements of his life.