For me, THE RESCUERS is a movie I had almost completely forgotten. I almost didn’t even think I had seen it until we popped it in over a few beers, and had that unnerving vague sense of deja vu over the entire proceedings.

http://youtu.be/My7kP35acMQ

After that brilliant opening number, “The Journey,” it was clear I had seen THE RESCUERS, perhaps on multiple occasions, but I had blacked it out for a very obvious reason.

Madame Medusa (voiced by HONDO actress Geraldine Paige):

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. My reaction was, and still is to this petrifying villain, much like Bernard’s reaction to Luke’s moonshine:

If you want nightmares, check out this spotlight on Medusa.

THE RESCUERS is dark, depressing, but thankfully ultimately uplifting. Even with a happy ending, it’s the kind of animated film that Disney would never make today. In fact, I can hardly grapple with the themes watching it at 26 years old, let alone when I was 5-6 when I likely first encountered it.

THE RESCUERS is essentially about a little orphan girl named Penny and her stuffed teddy bear enslaved by an evil Pawn Shop owner who lured her into a car and never looked back until they reached the dreary depths of the Devil’s Bayou. There, she’s guarded by two ALLIGATORS (!), one of whom can play the piano (!!), and Mr. Snoops (Joe Flynn of MCHALE’S NAVY & THE LOVE BUG), filling the Smee role aboard Medusa’s creepy boat, except far more greasy and disturbing. Madame Medusa seeks the world’s largest diamond, and for whatever reason (she’s small enough to fit in the cave), Penny can help in that quest.

Penny sends a message in a bottle, just as effective as a The Police song, which the rodent run Rescue Aid Society, located deep within the bowels of the United Nations, recovers. They respond to the plea for help immediately, sending their best two mice on the mission.

Well, one sexy mouse named Miss Bianca voiced by Eva Gabor (GIGI, MY MAN GODFREY, FANTASY ISLAND, but more importantly, ARISTOCATS) and the clumsy janitor Bernard, because one needs an adorable odd couple for a movie to succeed. There aren’t many better captured on celluloid than Miss Bianca and Bernard.

Bernard is voiced by Bob Newhart, who you shouldn’t need me to tell you is an icon of Hollywood. And starred in ELF.

From there, they ride to Penny’s rescue onboard Orville (Jim Jordan in his final role before his death), an albatross/pilot, in a presumably empty sardine can. They also must deal with the aforementioned moonshine from muskrat Luke, another example of Pat Buttram doing what he does best: playing a lazy, drunk redneck. The two fledgling lovers/mice receive help from Evinrude, a dragonfly with a mustache and uncanny strength. Needless to say, the film is incredible.

It even has an owl cameo:

Is that Archimedes? Or Owl from WINNIE THE POOH? Or any of the other incredible fictional owls in the known universe? Scholars are still trying to figure this mystery out.

It’s hard to come up with a movie where you’re rooting for the protagonists to succeed more, that’s how scary Madame Medusa is, and how unsettling Penny’s predicament is. Penny’s so frightened, meek, perpetually teary eyed, lonely, that your heart breaks every time she’s on screen.

Seriously:

Try not to cry when Miss Bianca and Bernard meet up with Rufus, a cat who grew up taking care of Penny in the orphanage:

To cope with that, we’ll follow Luke’s prescription: booze! So onto the RULES!

1. Drink any time something Miss Bianca says comes off as sexual (“Ooooh, I just love takeoffs”). Since it’s Eva Gabor, that’s almost every line, but use your judgment.

2. Every time Madame Medusa is the scariest woman you’ve ever seen, drink to forget.

3. Drink for every Orville take-off sequence. I’d waterfall for this swamp sequence (“Great balls of fire…and holy smokes!”), but that’s on you.

4. Take a sip any time Bernard is frightened/apprehensive. Double it if it’s due to his fear of the number 13, which is a thing.

5. Drink any time a character ingests Luke’s crazy strong moonshine.

6. Whenever Madame Medusa drives/commandeers a different type of vehicle, drink.

7. Any time you see the sparkling Devil’s Eye, the world’s largest diamond, drink!

8. Drink every time Penny’s life is the most depressing.

EXPERT EDITION: Drink for every different type of animal we see in the swamp. This includes the Rescuers gang upon arrival.

I’ve already delved into why A GOOFY MOVIE is one of the most important films of my childhood, and ever. So instead, I’ll talk about how I bastardized another one of my youthful favorites, when a group of friends watched the 1995 Disney classic A GOOFY MOVIE over far too many beers. This one came after FLUBBER, so we already weren’t on our right minds.

But first, a little unnecessary background. A GOOFY MOVIE was Kevin Lima’s directorial debut. He parlayed the job into three other big Disney films, including TARZAN, 102 DALMATIANS and most recently, ENCHANTED, permanently etching his name in the annals of the Disney greats. That’s definitely hyperbole, but whatever.

Bobby Brown, yes that Bobby Brown, was the original choice for Powerline, the hip young pop star that Max Goof emulates and is essentially an unholy amalgamation of Michael Jackson and Prince. Because of his drug problems, he was replaced by Tevin Campbell, whoever that is.

A GOOFY MOVIE features the last role from the late, great Pat Buttram, as the Possum Park Emcee, a small role that proved unforgettable/disturbing to me as a child. The Possum Park is wholly horrifying. Evidence:

Pat Buttram was one of the great relics from Hollywood’s golden age of Western obsession, a night permanent fixture beside Gene Autry, and appearing on the ED SULLIVAN SHOW frequently to perform stand-up. He also was on GREEN ACRES and a slew of other shows that your grandparents adored. But due to his indelible voice, he made his mark on Disney, performing in FOX AND THE HOUND, THE RESCUERS, ROBIN HOOD and THE ARISTOCATS, among others. He also had minor roles in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT and BACK TO THE FUTURE III. In other words, he’s incredible. Pat is the saloon old-timer on the right in this clip.

There’s not much else to say about Bill Farmer, the titan of voice acting, than to say no one else can voice Goofy like he can. A GOOFY MOVIE gave him the spotlight he deserved, and he didn’t disappoint. The film also has Wallace Shawn of PRINCESS BRIDE fame, Julie Brown (THE MIDDLE) and one of the original Disney Channel stars Joey Lawrence (BROTHERLY LOVE).

Finally, Roxanne is one of the sexiest Disney love interests ever, perhaps topping the list of non-princesses.

Seriously.

The film also has plenty of opportunities to drink, so have at the rules. As always, stay safe, don’t drink and drive, and don’t be an idiot.

RULES

1. Whenever Max wishes that he wasn’t with Goofy, or is horrified to become like Goofy, drink.

2. Sip whenever Pete yells at PJ.

3. Drink whenever Goofy laughs and/or falls over. Double it if he does the Goofy holler “ah-ha-ha-hueeeeyyy” noise as he falls to what would be certain death if it wasn’t a cartoon.

4. You must toast whenever Goofy says/yells/a-yuk’s “Maxie”

5. Drink for every song.

6. Waterfall while Bobby Zimmeruski eats the leaning tower of Cheeza. Drink again when you realize Bobby is voiced by PAULY SHORE.

7. Drink for every heartwarming father and son moment.

8. But also drink whenever Maxie is a complete dickhead to his dear ole Dad.

9. Drink every time Max or Goofy use the “Perfect Cast” technique.

10. Every time Roxanne or Max blush, drink.

11. Drink for every time Max accidentally unleashes an “ayuk.”

EXPERT EDITION: Call your Dad after watching A GOOFY MOVIE (whether playing this game or not). If you don’t, drink.