So, naturally, it’s my job to come up with more. Or, more accurately, figure out what incredibly talented actors need their own show. This isn’t in lieu of other work, but just something I want, or think should happen, or needs to happen. And considering the crap that the networks consistently push out every pilot season, it’s nice to dream about the alternatives.

Last time around, I spotlighted Rowan Atkinson. This week, I stick to the best acting country in the world.

Alan Rickman might be one of the most decorated and respected actors never to be nominated for an Oscar. I made that up, but it seems right. So while I don’t want that trend to continue, I think we can all agree on one thing.

We need more Alan Rickman in our lives.

Like every week.

His career and body of work has kind of been dominated by a little movie franchise called HARRY POTTER, when he was consistently the best part of every movie as the enigmatic Severus Snape, and helped create fandemonium around his character, before Tom Hiddleston did the same as the villainous Loki. Girls like pale British dudes.

But now that HARRY POTTER has finished, there’s a giant gaping (Snaping?) hole in our lives. One that can be fixed with a leading role on a TV show.

Alan Rickman would and should be able to star in anything he wants, because of his range. While he’ll forever be known as a bad guy thanks to being the best villain in an action movie ever, as Hans Gruber in DIE HARD, there’s more to his repertoire.

There’s also never not a great time to watch the infamous falling scene:

If a hero is only as good as his villains, Hans Gruber proved that rule, as he CREATED John McClane, and made DIE HARD and Bruce Willis’ career. Willis should be buying Rickman a drink every year on the film’s anniversary.

Rickman’s been the villain in ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES, as the naughty Sheriff, and he was a cheating jerk in LOVE ACTUALLY, who broke Emma Thompson’s heart. And that’s something you just don’t do.

But, the guy also has mad comedy chops, as evidenced by his de-genitalized Metatron in Kevin Smith’s DOGMA, and my personal favorite role of his…

Alexander Dane (or Dr. Lazarus) in GALAXY QUEST.

There’s also SENSE AND SENSIBILITY, which if I had either one of those things, I’d have seen by now.

But it always comes back to HARRY POTTER, and anyone who’s read the books or seen the films (so hopefully most all of you) can testify, know the massive character arc that Rickman would have to portray as Severus. And he was beautiful.

Now, obviously I’d want a GALAXY QUEST TV show more than anything (or a Severus Snape HBO TV series), but I’ll use some of his more famous quotes as jumping off points to create random theoretical TV shows, starring He-Needs-A-Sir Alan Rickman.

DIE HARD:

“You’d have made a pretty good cowboy yourself, Hans.” –John McClane

BRILLIANT. Put Alan Rickman in the Old West and he could make Ian McShane blush, whether he’s the cagey Sheriff, the Corrupt Mayor, the man on the Most Wanted poster’s, or the town drunk. Whoever he is (maybe the transvestite hooker?), I want to see that show. I miss DEADWOOD, clearly.

OR he could be the leader of a settlement traveling west across the Oregon Trail, based on the greatest video game of all-time. It’d feature a rip roaring soundtrack from T Bone Burnett, but he’d be overshadowed by two notes every time: Dun Dun! It could even be called “Happy Trails, Hans.”

HARRY POTTER:

“Discipline your mind.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE

This inspires many ideas. Perhaps Rickman is the head of a think tank, or the mastermind of the Manhattan Project. Or, maybe he’s just a therapist with controversial techniques, or a hypnotist who works to help his patients quit smoking, masturbating in public or eating red meat. The possibilities are endless.

“Turn to page 394.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

We’ve seen millions of “teachers who inspire” movies, from STAND AND DELIVER, THE GREAT DEBATERS, DEAD POET’S SOCIETY, FREEDOM WRITERS, COACH CARTER and Matthew Perry’s THE RON CLARK STORY. Most are vaguely to wholly insulting, and they’re all manipulative and self-serving. Who wouldn’t want to be manipulated by Alan Rickman in a “teachers who inspire” TV show that lasts for 14 seasons, with each year packed with up and coming (read: jackass) actors?

Or, the ominous sounding Page 394 is actually a strange dimension, or portal, to another world, and Alan Rickman is the gatekeeper, or the man who discovers it.

“Mister Potter. Our new celebrity.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

Alan Rickman is a greasy member of the paparazzi, and we learn what it takes to navigate the seedy underbelly of Hollywood, as they perform the most thankless (yet important) job in entertainment.

“You ought to be careful. People will think you’re…up to something.” –HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER’S STONE

Yes, cop procedurals make my eyes roll because there are so many of them. But with the right lead, or the right concept, they can still pop. I’d like to see Alan Rickman on the other side of things, as a cop, or a corrupt one toeing the line. Alan Rickman would be an AWESOME detective, and speaking of, HAS to be in the running for a spot on TRUE DETECTIVE season 2.

DOGMA:

Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.

How hasn’t this been made into a show? Put Alan Rickman in Wisconsin, witnessing all of the massive and earth-shattering moments that have taken place there. It’s pretty lean until Brett Favre, beer and cheese come to Wisconsin. But…ALAN RICKMAN.

GALAXY QUEST:

“Miners, not MINORS”

It’d be like the controversial and mercifully cancelled KID NATION, only the kids would have to suffer through the noxious and extremely dangerous conditions of mines in this racy reality show. Alan Rickman would host.

Gwen DeMarco: Alex, where are you going?
Sir Alexander Dane: To see if there’s a pub.

Alan Rickman finds a pub. And then he purchases it, and is the grouchy but heart of gold bartender in this generation’s CHEERS. Could also be called HAPPY TRAILS.

Admittedly, I ran out of ideas and pulled some crappy quotes…

…but whatever it is Alan Rickman decides to do, he will be embarking on those aforementioned happy trails, because talent wins out.

By Grabthar’s hammer, by the suns of Warvan, you shall be avenged.

Day 6, October 16th, 2011.

Slang of the Day: grog. Origin: Australia. Definition: anything with alcohol in it. Used in a sentence:I drank so much grog last night that it made me wanna snog anything with elbows.

Apparently I remembered more of the previous night than I do now after consulting my notes (and no, despite the embarrasingly great image, I didn’t sit scribbling each bar name as I entered them at the time). I ended up hitting The Cellar and the Purple Turtle, the Oxford Retreat, Turf Tavern and Kings Arms. I slept in till like noon.

It felt great.

Sacha and I returned to the Kings Arms and ordered the rabbit pie, a huge flaky mess, with mash or chips (fries, duh) as the side. I’ve always wanted to try rabbit but wasn’t allowed, as me mum owns a rabbit. Now that I’ve tried rabbit, I think I can go home happy (it’s actually very tasty and tender).

A good thing about Britain, and I presume the rest of Europe, if there are no tables available, you can just ask anyone with empty seats at their table to join them. I’ve done this several times and never been turned down; in fact, we usually end up in a delightful conversation with old people and heavy doses of secondhand smoke because of it.

From there, we went on the free Oxford walking tour, led by an old middle aged Brit who fit the bad teeth stereotype (which is overplayed; it’s really only with the older generations),  a poor bastard who grew up in Oxford but never went to any of its million colleges. In England, while you may go to Oxford, you’re associated with a particular college under the big Oxford umbrella, so they won’t say they go to Oxford, they’ll say they go to St. Catherine’s. Anyways, it was a nice little tour.

We saw the famous St. Mary’s church, a few of the main colleges of Oxford, the Bodleian library, the Bridge of Sighs, Oxford Castle, etc. We saw some places where Harry Potter was filmed, and saw the outside of the library that housed the room that inspired the Great Hall (score!). We also saw where Lewis Carroll lived, as a neighbor to a certain Alice (in Wonderland, if you’ve never read a book like Michael). Most importantly, I learned of Oxford’s humble beginnings (it was, quite literally, an ox ford, or where oxen would cross the river if you didn’t play Oregon trail).

Afterwards, as recommended by David (he explained that he had a mini orgasm after trying the delicacy), we visited the Fudge Kitchen and indulged in some fucking great fudge. I tried the toffee and mojito one’s and purchased the belgian chocolate. I thought it was a store unique to Oxford but then I saw one in (spoiler alert) Bath. Thanks a lot, David. We also got directions to the pub where C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien would drink and talk little boys (hobbits), and enjoyed a pint.

So basically, if you’re a nerdy scholar who likes beer (um, me and this David schmuck I keep mentioning), you’ll love Oxford. A fun sample of who attended any of its colleges: Adam Smith, John Locke (the guy from LOST), Imogen Stubbs (I don’t know who it is, but helluva name), Dr. Seuss, Kris Kristofferson, TS Eliot, Mr. Bean, Tony Blair and Stephen Hawking. Ithaca College has…David Boreanaz.

Back at the hostel, I met Jane, a saucy minx from the Czech Republic who lit up when I told her I planned on going to her country. And I would’ve tried a border crossing then and there, but she had a boyfriend who was staying in the very same hostel room. Lame.

I also met Paul and Kevin, two Frenchman. We promised we’d meet them for a beer at The Bear. But before that, I had pressing business. It was Sunday, and I was gonna find an NFL game on the telly. It was easy, but there wasn’t a lot of choice, so we watched the Falcons butcher the Panthers at a place ironically called Eurobar. We had two jugs (pitchers) of cocktails and met some British guy who went to Troy University (Alabama) who was, get this, a Mariner fan who bought us a pint and a shot of jager. He was wasted, buying two poor Indian guys drink after drink though they clearly wanted to leave.

We met Paul and Kevin at The Bear and all enjoyed a pint together, and had a swell chat. I couldn’t tell you a single thing that we talked about, actually, but I think the French guys liked us. We returned to Turf Tavern for a couple Old Rosy’s, then back to Kings Arms, where Sacha and I gave shit to 18 year old Oxford students. This was actually the start of a trend where I felt old at bars, especially with my beard. I still haven’t gotten carded anywhere but at clubs (and my driver’s license has been fine).

By the end of the night, I was tossed and fawning over the bartender, a blonde bombshell who found my 20 pence (like 36 cents) tip overwhelmingly kind. But she was busy cleaning and closing up after last call, so I had little to no chance to turn on the Andy charm, whatever that is. So, inspired by the aroma of academia, I wrote her a lovely note, and handed it to her as Sacha and I giggled on our way out. Needless to say, she’s my future wife.

Up next: BATH, and not Stonehenge.