When Peter Capaldi was announced, I was ecstatic. Not because I knew who he was (because honestly, I didn’t) but because he was so unlike any of the New Series Doctors. He was older, a bit wiser looking and there was something that was so exciting about getting back to a Doctor who wasn’t fresh out of puberty.

I stayed away from all spoilers (aside from new companion/villain casting) and I refused to read about the script leakage (Shame on them!) let alone go in search of the scripts themselves. I was bracing myself, I was ready, I was convinced it was going to be awesome season because I (stop your groaning) love Clara and wanted her to finally be able to step out of Amy’s shadow and maybe that could happen with a new Doctor. Unfortunately, that was one of the only things that happened in the Series 8 premiere that was worthwhile. (I don’t care what anyone says, Clara is awesome and the restaurant exchange between her and Capaldi’s Doc was phenomenal).

Now I know the premiere was a few days ago, but I controlled myself and didn’t watch it until I went to a proper screening last night with a lifelong Whovian (who like many others, is a diehard Tom Baker fan). But when leaving the surprisingly full AMC theatre, we were both shocked at how underwhelmed we were.

The story that this long ass episode tried to tell, was a hot mess. Starting with a dinosaur roaming Victorian England, ending with some funky-freaky incarnation of the Clockwork Androids from one of my favorite episodes of television ever (S02.E04 “The Girl in the Fireplace”, also written by Moffat) jumping out of the TARDIS and spearing himself to death. The episode was a disaster when it started and a disaster when it ended.

Like many of Moffat’s episodes since he took over as show-runner, it tried to do too much in a short amount of time and instead of blending together as one cohesive and intriguing mystery, it was too  many different ideas and not enough of any of them. Between the unnecessary dinosaur, Capaldi’s absolutely beautiful exchange with the homeless man, Clara being interrogated by Madame Vastra, and the Doctor and Clara trying to figure each other out at the same time as solving the mystery of “what the restaurant was”… It was just wrong and it did not work.

In addition to the many storylines that didn’t weave together, I, and I suspect many others, were also more preoccupied in figuring out this new Doctor and who he is (which became increasingly more difficult as the episode went on) rather than investing in the ridiculous story. The first episode with a new Doctor is always challenging to get through – whether it’s because you can’t let go of the last one (I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO, MATT SMITH) or because the Doctor has spent the majority of the episode passed out and regenerating (I’m looking at you, Tennant), but Moffat made it extremely difficult on us this time. Capaldi’s inner dialogue that was very much outer dialogue for the entire episode was beautiful and tragic and interesting…but is that really who this Doctor is? Answer: Apparently, given the closing scene between him and Clara.

All that being said however, Peter Capaldi did a wonderful job embodying our beloved Doctor. He had the weight of the world on his 2000 year old shoulders and commanded every scene he was in, not to mention his comedic timing and humor was just perfect (as was the writing for those particular moments: so many good one-liners and jokes, especially about being Scottish.)

But unfortunately again, none of Capaldi’s excellence in performance changes the fact that the problems in writing outweighed even the best of the funny. To add insult to injury, DOCTOR WHO has also become a bunch of green screen and CGI. I’m all about improving quality of TV, what? One of the great things about DOCTOR WHO was the kitschy sets and people dressed in monster-costumes, and now we’ve moved onto gigantic computer-generated dinosaurs and horrible shots of dead androids (which, by the way, were completely superfluous and crude for the nature of the show).

Basically it comes down to this: I have been Team Moffat since he took over DOCTOR WHO three series’ ago; I have stuck by him, defended him, and supported him but I’m starting to feel as if that time in my life is coming to a close. While SHERLOCK is only getting better, Moffat doesn’t seem to have a grasp on what he’s doing with DOCTOR WHO (although, I do love that they finally addressed the question of who gave Clara the TARDIS phone number) and I’m crossing my fingers that he doesn’t take us down yet another road that completely eradicates past storylines. He better make a big change and real fast if he expects to keep this particular Whovian happy.

Get it together, Moff, and quick.

Fan Cosplay of the 7th Doctor

That 16 year break gave the network, the show runners, writers they brought on board, and the fans at home a chance to reinvent the Doctor and modernize him in a way that may not have been possible had he remained on the air that entire time. Everyone was given a fresh perspective and outlook on a most beloved character and most fans seemed to be more than happy to have the Doctor back, regardless of who had been cast. Of course, there are always fan-based ideal casting choices; everyone has their preferences and that’s absolutely fine – the point here is that the majority of fans were just glad to have the Doctor on screen again – they’d take him anyway they could have him. And maybe it’s time for that again. Maybe if we say goodbye to the Doctor for a few years (five or even ten) when we bring him back we can revive him into a black man, or a middle-aged woman and it would be ok because people would be thankful just to have the Doctor back again. A hiatus spanning 3-5 years would give everyone – the writers, studio, and actors – a chance to really develop this new series starring a whole different brand of Doctor. It would offer those involved on the inside the opportunity to advertise and market this new Doctor however they saw fit in keeping with the tradition of who the Doctor was at [his] core, beneath all the scarves and fez’s. Now, I’m [surprisingly] not saying that a female Doctor specifically is the best, most awesome idea ever… But I am absolutely open to it if the time was taken to do it properly, with the right woman in the role and the right show-runner (who I do not believe is Moffat. My previous article on Moffat’s female characters notwithstanding. I do like him enough, but I’m not sure he would be able to change genders and lead a successful show, especially considering what he’s changed with the current one – which is everything.)

Fan Cosplay of the official 13th [Matt Smith] Doctor

I’ve never read the Twilight books. I’ve honestly never even seen one of the books in person. I had to see the movies (my sister dragged me, and there is no escaping that woman’s grip), but even for someone who loves tween drama (ABC Family is the shit, dudes), vampires and all that jazz, TWILIGHT was a nightmare. A boring, anti-self-respect lead female, one lead male that was super controlling and could do a lecture series on How to be a Stalker and a second lead male that had such serious anger management problems and only-child syndrome that when he didn’t get his way he, quite literally, turned into a monster. TWILIGHT is not the only fandom that has nutcase fangirls swarming about (search: Tom Hiddleston/Loki on Tumblr. Go on. I dare you.) but it is definitely the easiest to draw attention to. This insane, demeaning story captured girls’ attention all over the world, and I cannot understand why. Why would anyone – male or female – want to emulate that relationship?

Twilight – 0
Buffy – 1

I’m getting older, the fangirls are getting younger, and the media available (and targeted) to them is getting crappier and crappier.  But unfortunately, none of that answers the question of when we became crazy people. I get (I’m not sure why, and I definitely don’t know how) that TWILIGHT is important to a lot of people, specifically women. I absolutely understand the need to live vicariously through a character and to want so desperately to be part of the world they live in – that’s what a fandom is – but what I do not, cannot and will not accept is the fangirls that can’t control themselves. Please, enjoy Urban Dictionary’s definition:

Fangirl: A rabid breed of human female who is obsessed with either a fictional character or an actor. Similar to the breed of fanboy. Fangirls congregate at anime conventions and livejournal. Have been known to glomp, grope, and tackle when encountering said obsessions.

What’s so utterly pathetic about this, is that that’s actually what they do. There is no sense of dignity or respect for the person they’re fawning over, and many of them cannot distinguish between the actor and the character they play (see: Twihards, and even some SHERLOCK fans who HATE Amanda Abbington because her character Mary Morstan came between Johnlock). It seems that “our” uncontrollable need for Edward Cullen to be a reality brought us out of our dark rooms to go hunting for him (poor R-Pat) at every available moment, and that in turn drew every other fangirl out along with them.

Twilight – 0
Buffy – 2

So now the question becomes: are the crazy fangirls a reaction to the media that we’re giving them? Or was gasoline thrown on the tiny fire when the fangirls started being treated as crazy?

Of course, the obvious answer for all of this is: “daddy issues.” Is it the right answer for everyone? More than likely no. There will be some fangirls that fall into that category as well, but the biggest thing that I’ve been noticing on Tumblr and other social media sites that I peruse for fandom enjoyment, is that many of these young girls have very low self-esteem and self-worth. For whatever reasons – and I’m not going to even try to guess what they have going on in their personal lives – many of these crazy fangirls that can’t control their urge to attack don’t think very highly of themselves. It’s easy to assume that that’s why they’ve grown so attached to fictional characters; they see something in those characters they can identify with; it’s a way to escape their own hell; it’s a way of expressing themselves; I get it, but it’s still very sad to see. …Not to mention that it gives those of us that aren’t looneytunes really bad reps in the fandom communities.

There’s no one solution that will solve the problem of the maniacal fangirl and unfortunately most of them are too far gone to even see that they have a problem. Now, I’m not saying that all fangirls are crazy, or that all media directed towards them is bad – far from it – I’m just concerned that in desperate attempts to mimic a character or obsess over something fictional that they’re starting to lose more than just their minds; hello, nearly-naked cosplay outfits. Fangirls, try using actual clothing and not just lingerie, yeah?

Final Count:

Twilight – 0

Buffy – ALL THE POINTS