On this “holiday,” that’s grown in meaning and popularity thanks to the promise of a bajillion new movies, I thought I’d riff on STAR WARS.

Like many in my generation, my first exposure to STAR WARS came with the re-releases in the 1990’s, preparing the world for EPISODE ONE. After watching and loving and being enthralled with the original trilogy…I launched myself into the Expanded Universe, devouring Rogue Squadron, Young Jedi Knights, the Jedi Academy trilogy, The Bounty Hunter and Timothy Zahn’s brilliant Thrawn trilogy. I think my addiction ended sometime during the New Jedi Order series, though not because I didn’t like it. I just moved on to different universes, and different book series, as STAR WARS not only made me love movies, but the Expanded Universe is what really got me into reading. And for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.

STAR WARS was one of the first things I was truly nerdy about, as I found room for Yoda and Han Solo alongside Shawn Kemp and Jay Buhner as idols, fitting in STAR WARS books with baseball and basketball practice. My first little league team name was Jedi Knights. Needless to say, we weren’t very good. I remember during the first All-Stars practice in 8th grade, my rival SS who was entirely too likable told the squad STAR WARS was his favorite movie (I’m not sure if he meant the first one, the franchise as a whole, or if he did say a specific episode). I said AMERICAN PIE to get laughs and garner popularity. I was a douche, and a liar, because I remember thinking to myself that Tim took my favorite movie.

I remember watching EPISODE ONE at the recently renovated Cinerama in Seattle, back when a visit to Seattle was a rare and exciting treat, for my friend Jacob’s birthday. Afterwards, I was excited about Senator Palpatine and seeing his transformation into Emperor Palpatine. For whatever reason, Jacob shot me down, calling me an idiot for thinking that would happen. It’s one of the more angry, perplexing, yet absolutely fortified memories of my life. What was he talking about? I honestly didn’t hate the movie when I first saw it. It wasn’t until I became older, smarter (not really) and more cynical, that I grew to loathe the Phantom Menace and everything it represented, though I’ll admit to deriving some satisfaction and joy from the rest of the trilogy. But it obviously wasn’t the same, not even close, and I think we all breathed a sigh of relief when it was over.

Now…it’s back, with Disney, Kathleen Kennedy and J.J. Abrams around to bring it into fruition. And…

I have no idea what to expect with EPISODE VII. I’m a huge J.J. Abrams fan, as LOST and ALIAS forever transformed the way I watched TV, and the kind of shows I watched. For my money, the first STAR TREK is one of the best blockbusters of all-time. But is the right person for STAR WARS? Is there a right person for STAR WARS? It rubs me (and everyone) the wrong way that they’re ignoring the EU, since the Thrawn trilogy just makes too much sense as inspiration for these three films.

While I’m as disappointed as anyone by the lack of ethnic and gender diversity with the announced cast, I expect the final ensemble to better reflect a more balanced galaxy far, far away (it better). Bring on Lupita. But I was impressed with all the young talent Abrams has cobbled together. I don’t know Daisy Ridley, but she looks the part of a Solo/Organa daughter, and certainly got my attention with this short film:

Adam Driver has one of the more enigmatic, unique and interesting screen presences on TV. GIRLS has all kinds of problems…but his character is fascinating, thanks to his performance. I wasn’t a fan of INSIDE LLEWYN DAVIS, but Oscar Isaac is going to win one of the very awards he may as well have been named after someday (unless STAR WARS ruins his career). John Boyega was terrific in ATTACK THE BLOCK, and is an awesome choice to headline the cast. And Domhnall Gleeson may be the guy I like the most of all of the young guns, since he’s just so charming and likable and funny. And then we get to Max von Sydow?! Andy Serkis?! Are you kidding me. Fucking sweet.

I can’t help but be caught up in it all, and speculate over what characters they’ll play, whether they’re Sith, Jedi, evil, good, both, alien, human, etc., while choosing to hope the original heroes are mostly background, supporting players there to help shepherd a new generation.

STAR WARS remains a part of me…and even if these future films blow…it always will. People love to complain about George Lucas, and what’s become of the STAR WARS universe since the original trilogy, but to me, it still doesn’t take away or tarnish my childhood. I will always love Chewy, I’ll always fantasize about Princess Leia and being a Jedi, and I’ll always want to be Harrison Ford. Well, that Harrison Ford.

And that’s what I choose to think about on May 4th (and not the below image). May the 4th be with you all.

At this point during SEVEN INCHES OF YOUR TIME’s brief tenure as a staple for nothing, director Don Bluth, along with owls and Edward James Olmos, have practically become the idols to whom we worship.

Don Bluth burst onto the directorial scene with THE SECRET OF NIMH in 1982, intent on combining owls and terror for the next 20 years of his film career. His resume includes AN AMERICAN TAIL, ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN, ROCK-A-DOODLE, THUMBELINA, ANASTASIA and TITAN A.E. (which I recommend watching whilst gorging on pot brownies). But one movie looms over the rest of them…thanks to a litany of longneck’s.

That would be LAND BEFORE TIME (1988), a childhood classic that is now known as what kicked off a franchise that overstayed its welcome thanks to its 43 sequels. It’s easy to forget how important, sad and poignant a film the first one was, and considering Don Bluth’s track record, it’s hard to discount his part in creating a movie that will make you laugh, cry, shriek and learn the benefits of racism.

Don Bluth had some help behind the scenes, as LAND BEFORE TIME had more muscle behind it than any other movie that’s ever been made. The powerhouse of producers includes arguably the most powerful couple in Hollywood, Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall, who acted as co-executive producers, along with George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, who also produced the project. You thought INDIANA JONES was George and Steve’s best collaboration, but you were wrong.

LAND BEFORE TIME is only 69 minutes long, but it packs more emotional wallop than an entire season of REBA. Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) is our host for the movie’s entirety, narrating the tale of five baby dinosaurs forced to grow up without parents mere minutes after being born, while facing the terrors of prehistoric times. There’s Littlefoot (Gabriel Damon), a Brontosaurus who watches his mother get murdered by a Sharptooth (T-Rex). Cera (Candace Hutson) is a headstrong triceratops separated from her father, Daddy Topps (the greatest Daddy character name this side of Daddy Warbucks), and won’t let you forget it. There’s the wise Rooter (also voiced by MVP Pat Hingle), who has giant Circus Peanuts for eyebrows:

Then there’s breakout (tree)star Ducky, who you either find to be the cutest dinosaur you’ve ever seen, or want to flush down the toilet.

Your heartless if it’s the latter, but I’d forgive you if you find Petrie, the hyper-sensitive, scaredy cat pterodactyl Petrie, annoying. I prefer Robin Williams’ Batty Koda myself.

Lastly there’s Spike, who’s basically an even more mute Eeyore. Together, the five orphans must travel to the Great Valley in hopes of finding more of their kind, and learning that segregation/dino-racism is bad.

Of the 12 direct-to-video sequels, none of the rest included Don Bluth, George Lucas or Steven Spielberg’s involvement. It’s hard to believe Lucas wasn’t involved in the sequelitis, but perhaps he rightfully recognized LAND BEFORE TIME as his crowning achievement, and didn’t want to fuck it up further like he did with Indy or STAR WARS.

THE LAND BEFORE TIME is nightmarish, forcing kids to come to grip with the possibility of life without their parents at a frightfully young age, but it has a powerful message: that with friends, you can accomplish anything, and beat the Sharptooth’s of the world. You’ll also learn to blame yourself for personal tragedy, but at least this time, Littlefoot has a point. It’s totally his fault his Mom died. Don’t wake up a T-Rex.

You’ll be bawling like Ducky and Spike:

I mean, COME ON:

Wanna cry more? Judith Barsi, who provides the adorable voice to Ducky, died when she was ten years old.

….Ready to drink? I thought so. Without further ado, I present…

THE LAND BEFORE TIME DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Every time Cera’s a bitch, drink.

2. Drink every time Ducky makes an annoying/endearing noise. Yep yep yep.

3. I spy, with my little eye, a dinosaur egg. Your reward? Sip dat drank.

4. Drink every time the gang is in danger.

5. And while you’re at it, drink for every different type of dinosaur.

6. Have a sip for every flashback.

7. Drink when a character says something racist (“You can’t play with longnecks”). I don’t recommend screaming “Longneck bitch!” out loud during the proceedings. You’ll be sleeping on the couch.

8. Any time Petrie is afraid, drink. Double it if you are, because this shit is terrifying.

9. Yay, a TREE STAR! Quaff your beer. Be honest, you still get a tingly when you think about the magic of tree stars.

10. Drink when parents are openly concerned about their children.

11. Drink away your sorrows whenever you cry. It’ll happen.

And that’s it. But don’t cry. The beauty of THE LAND BEFORE TIME is that there are 12 MORE SEQUELS TO ENJOY. I can’t wait for THE LAND BEFORE TIME XIII: THE WISDOM OF FRIENDS. It sounds particularly inspiring and wise. With any luck, the franchise will continue, promising an infinite number of drinking games to enjoy.

THE “GET EXTINCT” EDITION: Just soldier on to the Great Valley and drink your way through more than one sequel in a night. Be sure to have a lot of Tree Star’s on the side.