Aside from being one of the very best shows on television, Game of Thrones has helped launch the careers of many incredible actors and propelled others to stardom, introducing American audiences to a slew of them. One of my favorites is Rose Leslie, who played the stubborn badass archer kissed-by-fire, Ygritte, across three seasons of the HBO phenomenon. Rose is now in the midst of launching an American film career. That begins with Honeymoon, a horror movie from first-time director Leigh Janiak. She stars opposite Penny Dreadful star Harry Treadaway. The intimate psychological thriller chronicles a “soppy” gooey lovey-dovey relationship and its slow, painful disintegration, taking place on that singular marriage rite of passage: one’s honeymoon.

On the morning after the Emmy’s, I was lucky enough to find some time with Honeymoon star Rose Leslie and her bewitching Scottish accent, before she was whisked off to the set of the Vin Diesel blockbuster The Last Witch Hunter. In the following discussion, Rose reveals her opinions on the horror genre (can you believe that the woman who played Ygritte is a self-described “wimp”?), discusses the massive differences between shooting Game of Thrones and Honeymoon and proves that I know nothing about Scotland.

Andy: Not too hung over from the Emmy’s?

Leslie: Ohhhhh, see now that we’re getting into that territory…no, I’ve had lots of coffee, thank you. It wasn’t a particularly late night for me.

[commence communal giggling]

Andy: I wouldn’t tell anyone. I have to start by saying that Ygritte is my favorite character from Game of Thrones, and I’m going to miss you on the show.

Leslie: Aw, thank you so much, that’s a lovely thing to hear. Thank you.

Andy: I was wondering, what did you take away from Game of Thrones and how has that informed your career?

Leslie: I felt very touched, because on my last day, I was given Ygritte’s bow and arrow to keep. They had changed the handle, personalized it with a silver plaque that said “Kissed by fire,” along with an emblem of a rose, and it was really lovely, and very considerate and just charming. That kind of sums up the entire crew and my experience for three years, because I had a blast on Game of Thrones and truly, truly loved it. And having been a part of such a global phenomenon enabled me to knock on doors that I was never able to knock on before. It’s given me a chance to be represented out here in America, which is a wonderful, wonderful thing. So it’s been great.

Andy: What then, drew you to Honeymoon? On the surface, Honeymoon looks like another cabin in the woods horror movie, but really, it’s a psychological relationship thriller.

Leslie: Yes yes exactly. It’s an examination of a relationship. One that seemingly starts off with a strong relationship, well it is, it’s an incredibly strong relationship, where these two people are totally enamored by one another, and obviously, quite clearly, in that honeymoon phase. And then the cracks starts to appear and that was something that drew me to the project in the first place, because there is such a transformation within these two characters, who are so intimate from the top and have to be throughout the film. Never before had I worked on something where, I know it was on screen, but it felt like a theater piece, because it was so intimate. And you were leaning so much on the other person, and it was just really a fascinating experience.

Andy: You touched on the word I was going to use to describe the film: intimate. It’s almost even claustrophobic at times.

Leslie: Yeah, yeah.

Andy: A movie like this requires a lot of trust with the director [Leigh Janiak] and [costar] Harry Treadaway. Did you know them beforehand and how did that trust develop?

Leslie: I had never met Leigh prior to reading the script. We had a couple of Skype chats and then I read the script, and she’s a remarkably intelligent woman, and I trusted her in the sense of, even though, no not even though at all, I know it was her directorial debut, but she said such insightful things about one scene or another. There was a real depth there, and it wasn’t just going to be these two people within their own sickening bubble of love. It was actually gonna be more than that.

In regards to Harry Treadaway and myself…we knew each other very briefly prior to working together, because we happened to go to the same drama school [London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art, or LAMDA]. So that’s how we knew one another before. So there was already, I hesitate to use the phrase, foundation of trust, already, but it was a lovely thing in knowing there was a link there.

Andy: I imagine making Honeymoon was almost the exact opposite experience from working on something as massive as Game of Thrones. There were only four actors in the entire movie, and primarily it was just you and Harry. How was that like, and was that one of the reasons why you jumped in?

Leslie: Yes, exactly. It was because I had never really ever come across a project where there was so much hanging on these two people to basically get it right. I think that there was a risk in casting, you know there’s always a risk in casting a movie, but particularly for this, because it had to work at the beginning of the film, to actually feel some real empathy for the characters throughout. To really want to fight for them by the end of the transition, and to be involved in their world. That was something that appealed to me greatly, because Game of Thrones is not such an intimate shoot, and obviously with it being the colossal machine that it is, there’s a huge crew, and amazing equipment, and the production value is so high, and it’s a real, real privilege, and yet Honeymoon was a very different entity, and that was incredibly insightful. And also, a lovely thing to be a part of just because I was able to experience two different seeming worlds, even though they’re both with a camera onscreen in one way or another. It was a great, kind of like, balancing of the scale.

Andy: Where was Honeymoon filmed and how long did it take?

Leslie: Because it’s an independent movie, it was so tight, there was such a strict deadline. We shot in North Carolina, and we literally had about four weeks’ worth of six day weeks, we only had one day off a week, and it was just so intense. As you say, it was like jumping into the deep end with the project, and only really coming up for air once we wrapped at the end of the four weeks. We completely submerged ourselves into this world and into the realms of Bea and Paul, and just wanted to focus on the crumbling and the dissolving of this relationship, slowly but surely, and using a microscope into that.

Andy: You’ve referenced, sort of the two halves of this movie: the honeymoon phase and the crumbling of Bea and Paul’s relationship when weird and creepy things happen. Did you have a preference as an actor? Did you like to play the light-hearted stuff or the descent into horror?

Leslie: I personally loved the middle ground, where we weren’t so soppy and in love, not that it was soppy, but we were all over each other. But there was a middle part that was very interesting to me to play the subtext and subtlety of the cracks beginning to appear, and the distrust and the walls beginning to crumble between them and kind of playing that. Where everything is okay on the surface but Bea is in real turmoil underneath. That was something I really enjoyed playing, far more so than the blood and gore at the end.

Andy: That was also my favorite part. Perhaps this is a better question for Leigh or Harry, but your character [Bea] is the one who gets body snatched or taken or something has happened to you. We’re all curious and skeptical, along with Paul, when you return. But I really liked, that, if anything, Paul was just as creepy in his response, that it kind of went both ways. Was that intentional?

Leslie: Yeah, do you feel that was because he didn’t run off and freak out, and take the car keys? Is it because he stayed; is that just as creepy?

Andy: That’s partially it, but it was more so due to the intensity with which Paul reacts to Bea’s changed presence, and the almost abrupt switch that goes off with his character, along with the riff on the jealous boyfriend/husband stereotype, when we’re introduced to Bea’s former summer fling Will, and taking that a different way. I thought maybe something was wrong with Paul as well, perhaps Bea’s disappearance was misdirection, and that Paul was the changed one.

Leslie: Yes, yes, when I was reading the script, I was wondering: was Paul the one going mad or was Bea the one going mad? Is it both of them, or…is there actually something out in the woods that attacks her? I thought that was very clever too. It’s a testament to Harry being able to complete all those separate emotions all at once, really, because you’re right: you get freaked out by him and his reasoning behind his actions, or the actions themselves, than just seeing him as the pathetically jealous husband.

Andy: Are you a fan of the horror genre in general, and the body-snatching subgenre that this is a play on?

Leslie: Yes, I am a fan. It’s very interesting to play the body snatching element. I feel, when it comes to the horror genre, I’m harking back to my sentiments before of me being far more of a wimp than I like to admit. I prefer, and am speaking to, the psychological thriller side, rather than the gore and blood of horror.

Andy: That’s the scarier stuff anyways.

Leslie: Exactly, it messes with your mind!

Andy: With Game of Thrones and Honeymoon, you’ve definitely been a part of some decidedly adult, dark and gruesome things on camera. Is that something you look for, or is that just how it’s worked out?

Leslie: With Game of Thrones I absolutely responded to the character, loved the character, and knew that the book series was incredible and was so happy to be able to play Ygritte. As an actor I look for roles that have a certain versatility, so that as an actor I don’t totally become stale, and I am displaying different ranges as it were. It definitely keeps me on my feet, and makes sure that I don’t slow down in any way. But for me, it’s really about the writing, first and foremost.

Andy: Honeymoon comes out in theaters and on demand on September 12th, so I’m assuming you have a few very busy weeks ahead to promote the film.

Leslie: You know what, it’s really today. I’m currently in Pittsburgh, so I’m flying back to Pittsburgh tomorrow, and so the premiere is this evening, so we have press all morning and afternoon and this is our day to promote it, prior to the 12^th.

Andy: Sounds like a crazy day. What’s next for you after Honeymoon? I know you’re shooting The Last Witch Hunter [starring Vin Diesel].

Leslie: Yes, that’s what I’m shooting in Pittsburgh, exactly. So that’s where we are shooting until December; it’s a lovely long shoot. I’ve already shot a couple days, and it’s been great fun, so that’s the next project. [She also stars in Sticky Notes, a drama starring Ray Liotta, arriving in theaters March 1^st, 2015]

Andy: Before we go, I have to ask a question about Scotland. It was probably my favorite place I visited when I went backpacking, and when I return [AND I WILL], where should I go…what treasures off the beaten path await?

Leslie: My home city is Aberdeen, so I highly recommend it. Did you go to Aberdeen?

Andy: I unfortunately did not. I went through the highlands but not up to Aberdeen.

Leslie: I recommend traveling further north and going to Aberdeen, because it is a beautiful city, with a lovely beach, and some great cultural aspects, there really is. There’s beautiful countryside outside of it as well, the tracks up through the hills are absolutely beautiful.

PI: Scotland is unfairly beautiful. Thanks for the tip and for taking the time to talk with us!

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrSh2CHmEW4]

As aforementioned, Honeymoon comes out on demand, and in theaters, this Friday September 12^th. Be sure to check it out, and read our review.

Right now you’d be in your arm chair, a mug of beer in tow, watching the newest installment of HBO’s GAME OF THRONES. Unfortunately, you won’t be doing that this Sunday night.

GAME OF THRONES’ fourth season was probably its best yet, which is an impressive statement, since the first three seasons were essentially a bad break (or a BREAKING BAD) away from being the best show on TV (though arguments can be made for FRINGE, COMMUNITY, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, JUSTIFIED, THE WALKING DEAD, PARKS AND RECREATION and LOUIE within that time).

But after last season’s incredible finale, “The Children,” which may have been its best yet (and it still elicits massive doses of controversy, because internet), we’re left without the sprawling clans of Westeros and beyond fighting for power and meaningless titles on our TV sets until next March. That’s a long damn time. What the hell are we supposed to do until then? I’m not going to suggest going outside or watching the World Cup or even reading George R. R. Martin’s A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE novels, because no shit. Of course, none of my other recommendations are going to be insightful or clever either.

More than ever, people want to be apart of the discussion, they don’t want to be the only one not watching a show. This year that show has been alternately TRUE DETECTIVE, GAME OF THRONES and ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK. What’s the next obsession? Each of my following suggestions are ranked by their potential to be the next big thing.

Before I begin, I’ll offer the following advice: watch anything but CROSSBONES and DEFIANCE. I feel like this goes without saying. Watch BLACK SAILS instead if you crave pirates, because it’s STARZ’s replacement for SPARTACUS (though it’s not that good). Watch DOMINION instead of DEFIANCE if you want SyFy in your life, because that has Anthony Stewart Head in it.

10. Go see OBVIOUS CHILD

I haven’t seen the movie, but everyone I’ve talked to has said how amazing Jenny Slate is in it, and how powerful/funny/difficult a movie it is. You know Jenny Slate as Mona-Lisa in PARKS & RECREATION, also known as the worst (and simultaneously the best), and I’m tickled that this movie puts her on the dramatic map. There isn’t a movie out right now that I’m more intrigued to see. I’m guessing it’s worth the extra effort to find it.

Water Cooler Factor: 1/10. You’ll be the cool kid talking about a movie nobody’s seen, which is worth something. Unless you’re an LA hipster, I doubt OBVIOUS CHILD will make a dent in the theaters, unfortunately.

9. Catch up on ORPHAN BLACK

If you’re not watching BBC’s ORPHAN BLACK, you’re not doing it correctly. While the second season wasn’t as mindblowing or fresh as the first season, it was still the best show on TV that isn’t GAME OF THRONES (or HANNIBAL). Then last night’s season finale happened, and “Holy shit” was all I could utter after nearly every scene. It truly was a game changer; the finale changes EVERYTHING, and I’m not sure into what. Season 3 will be a complete mystery, but it promises to be no less compelling. It’s time to get onboard and learn why Tatiana Maslany really is everything.

Water Cooler Factor: 4/10. The season is over, so a lot of the impetus is gone for people to talk about it. By next year it’ll be on SHERLOCK levels, however.

8. Finally check out Showtime’s PENNY DREADFUL

I wouldn’t say I was overwhelmed by the pilot, but since then John Logan and Sam Mendes’ highly stylized, quite screwed up and grotesque take on classic gothic horror has grown into something bewitching.

I wouldn’t say it’s great, though it’s filled with great performances. Namely, the show has given an excuse for Eva Green to go absolutely bonkers, and that’s something the world has wanted/needed/craved since CASINO ROYALE. She’s deserving of at least a nomination at all of the award shows for her alluring, batshit crazy portrayal of Vanessa Ives, one of the few characters on the show that isn’t lifted directly from literature (or if it is, it’s over my head). We’ve seen way too many seances in film and TV, but Eva Green’s possessed Vanessa is the moment that secured my viewership until the show ends.

Plus, Timothy Dalton further cements his scene crunching ability in a late career renaissance I adore, and you can see Josh Hartnett’s ass and Billie Piper’s boobs. I’m an episode behind going into tonight’s episode (“Possession”), so this is one on the list that I’ll definitely be doing.

Water Cooler Factor: 5/10. I have a sneaking suspicion that a lot more people would’ve been watching PENNY DREADFUL if not for GAME OF THRONES. Now that the latter is done, there’s still some time for PENNY DREADFUL to get into the national discussion. Unfortunately, after tonight’s episode, there’s only one week till the finale. Considering Showtime has already optioned a second season, it’s another good one to get ahead of the game for next year.

7. Get onboard BBC’s next buzzy show, INTRUDERS

All I know about BBC’s INTRUDERS, except that it’s premiering this summer and stars The Master himself, John Simm, is what I gleaned from this promo:

And that’s all I need/care to know to watch it.

Water Cooler Factor: 6/10. Looks great, but in a LUTHER/IN THE FLESH kind of way, where only the in BBC crowd watches and loves it.

5. Figure out what the hell RECTIFY is about

I’ll be honest, I don’t know. But this Sundance Channel show is apparently brilliant.

EW raves about it. It’s “mesmerizing.” “Stop Everything and Go Watch Rectify.”

It certainly doesn’t sound for everyone, considering it’s referred to as subtle and quiet drama, its whodunnit beside the point. Vulture calls it “christian art.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m tantalized, especially when it’s hailed as the successor to MAD MEN.

Water Cooler Factor: 7/10. Critics and outlets are going mad for RECTIFY. Will the people follow? I kind of doubt it, based on the themes at work in RECTIFY, but I’ve bumped several shows on my list in order to start season 1 and catch up on season 2 before it ends.

4. Check out STARZ’s OUTLANDER

OUTLANDER wants to be the next GAME OF THRONES, minus the dragons (as far as I know). It’s from a best selling book series, and is a time traveling romance to Scotland, being brought to the screen by Ronald D. Moore, who rules (BATTLESTAR GALACTICA). I think this one could be huge, judging by the eighth book’s firm place on top of the NYT Best Seller’s List, and its legion of fans.

OUTLANDER premieres August 9th.

Water Cooler Factor: 8/10. It might be too dreamy and historical to catch on like wildfire, but then again, we live in an age when DOWNTON ABBEY is one of the most talked about shows.

3. FX’s THE STRAIN is the next THE WALKING DEAD/AMERICAN HORROR STORY

Based on a popular book series, check. Awesome pedigree (Guillermo del Toro), check. A new, dark take on vampires, check.

From what little we’ve seen of THE STRAIN, it looks fucked up and cool. We might all be tired of vampires, but I’m pretty sure del Toro has something different up his sleeves with this.

It’s a coming July 13th.

Water Cooler Factor: 8.5/10. When horror shows find an audience, they explode, and with AHS and TWD off the air, The Strain should fill that void. It also helps that I expect it to be fairly excellent. Bonus half point because…IT HAS SEAN ASTIN IN IT!

2. Watch HBO’s Newest Show: THE LEFTOVERS

There’s little doubt in my mind that HBO will keep the hits coming, and dominate the national pop culture discussion again, after dominating this calendar year with TRUE DETECTIVE and GOT. I don’t think it’ll be the last season of TRUE BLOOD we’ll be talking about, however. That, like DEXTER before it, is ending too late, and is really just something we’re all watching out of due diligence more than anything else.

Next Sunday, June 29th we get to see THE LEFTOVERS, the show I believe will be the next buzzy show that will get spoiled for us minutes after its episodes air. What if 2% of the world’s population mysteriously disappeared? It certainly has LOST-like potential, which sounds like a dirty word these days, but I still cling to that as a compliment. It also could very well be like UNDER THE DOME, an inconsistent show I hate-watch. Either way, I’m quite curious to check it out.

Water Cooler Factor: 9/10. Pretty positive this is the one to take the mantle.

1. Watch these summer movies: DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY and SNOWPIERCER.

Movies have a very low shelf life in terms of taking over the discussion, since every week there’s a new blockbuster to watch. So far 2014’s had a pretty good track record, though we’re about to hit a bit of a lull until DOTPOTA comes out, which is an acronym I’ll avoid using in the future.

DAWN and GUARDIANS are my two most anticipated films left this summer, and probably this year, though I’m not bothering to check that. They’re also the only two I’d predict that could even touch CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER in terms of quality.

SNOWPIERCER should be incredible as long as the Weinstein’s don’t ruin it. It’s based on an acclaimed French graphic novel, it stars Chris Evans, Jamie Bell, John Hurt, Tilda Swinton, Ed Harris, Octavia Spencer, Alison Pill and comes from visionary director Joon-ho Bong. Peep it:

It’s a smaller film, but it shouldn’t be, based on that trailer and who’s involved. We will get to see a director’s cut, but the film will no longer get a wide release. The world sucks sometimes.

Water Cooler Factor: 10/10. Maybe not for SNOWPIERCER, but DAWN and GUARDIANS are the two biggest movies yet to come out so far, mark my words. Fuck Transformers.

OTHERS: Halt and Catch Fire, AMC. The Knick, STARZ. The Last Ship & Legends, TNT. The Quest, CBS.

Normally, when a high concept sci-fi show gets cancelled on FOX or otherwise, it’s time for an uproar and decades of bemoaning the snubbed show’s fate. ALMOST HUMAN bucks that trend, as its somehow a J.J. Abrams/J.H. Wyman/Bad Robot dud that no one should miss in the fall. To celebrate the show’s end, I’ve cobbled together a list of awful, alternative titles for ALMOST HUMAN, that still would’ve netted a more positive result than whatever it is I spent 13 hours of my life watching over the past few months with Lili Taylor. These are the 17 shows I want more than season 2 of ALMOST HUMAN.

17. BEING HUMAN (SyFy, or BBC, depending on your favorite flavor)

ALMOST HUMAN was doomed from the start, if only because it was a confusing title, since there were already TWO different BEING HUMAN’s out there. I watched two of the three, and mixed them up several times in conversation.

I’ve never watched the BBC version (I know, shame on me), but the SyFy version that is coming to its end this year, is far superior to the cliche drivel that we were subject to in whatever city ALMOST HUMAN takes place in (they never said).

16. ALMOST LUMEN (SHO)

Remember Lumen Pierce (Julia Stiles)? She was one of the special guest stars in season 5 of DEXTER, following the orgasmic (and should’ve been final) fourth season with the Trinity Killer. It was a tough act to follow, and little did we know that DEXTER would never successfully build off of it…for another 3 seasons.

ALMOST LUMEN would be a prequel series, chronicling the brutal origins of “The Group,” the band of men who raped, tortured and ruined Lumen Pierce’s life, leading up to when Dexter found her, rescued her, and let her embrace her Dark Passenger. It’d be a horrible series.

Or, ALMOST LUMEN would take place AFTER the events of DEXTER season 5, in which Lumen’s Dark Passenger has healed, and she tries to live a normal, if fractured, life, unable to ever completely live happily ever after. Ew.

15. ALMOST POOPIN’ (TLC)

13 years after the term “prairie dogging” was made famous in RAT RACE comes this reality show about men and women that are in a perpetual state of ALMOST POOPIN’. It’s painful, life or death, riveting stuff.

14. ALMOST LUPIN (POTTERMORE)

An adult take on HARRY POTTER‘s most underrated (and tragic) character, it would be Pottermore’s first foray into original content, and would blow up the internet faster than an Ellen DeGeneres selfie. The show would bounce back and forth between the past and future, with a young Remus growing up during his formative years at Hogwarts, while first grappling with his fate as a werewolf, and could cut to Teddy Lupin, his only son and Metamorphagus, dealing with hormones and being a sad sack orphan. Or it could be a heartbreaking but illuminating alternate history, detailing the life of what Lupin WOULD’VE become if he had never been mauled by a werewolf (spoilers: a death eater).

13. ALMOST GROOMIN’ (ANIMAL PLANET)

In this (literally) touching reality show, a group of talented but arrogant contestants face off in the ultimate competition: to become the world’s next great dog groomer. Blessed with a brush and a rotating cast of high maintenance puppies, you’ll have to shed a slew of shows to make room on your DVR. Ruff.

12. ALMOST BLOOMIN’ (FOOD NETWORK)

It’s the world’s first infomercial/original series hybrid that would change the way we consume pop culture, and onions. The brilliant maneuver by Outback Steakhouse would start a disturbing trend of chain restaurant TV shows (OLD MCDONALD’S, BURGER KING OF QUEENS, WENDY’S DRIVE THRU, JARED’S JEANS). Bloomin’ Onions would remain delicious and unhealthy.

This could also be a show about prepubescent girls before getting their periods. Or a show about actual flowers. Or a BRAVO show about guys and gals before they come out, and “bloom” into the gay man or woman they’ve always wanted to be. Aw.

11. ALMOST HUMMUS (TRAVEL CHANNEL)

How hard is it to make hummus? Find out in this eye opening docuseries spanning the Middle East and a whole lot of chick peas.

10. ALMOST FUMIN’ (HGTV)

While you might mistaken it for another Gordon Ramsay cooking show, this enlightening reality series invites viewers into the homes of those who fumigate ours. Find out what they’re really doing under those carnival tents while you’re stuck at a Motel 6.

9. NEARLY ALIEN (HISTORY CHANNEL)

This controversial series follows Detritus, the first kid born in space. When he returns home…he’s treated like an outcast, a misfit, the first alien. Some would anoint him as their messiah.

Or it’s about a Canadian.

8. NEARLY HEADLESS NICK (STARZ)

John Cleese reprises his role as the only ghost who actually gets older, in a prequel series when Nearly Headless Nick isn’t nearly headless, but still called Nick by his friends (that aren’t executing him).

7. ALMOST DUM DUM DUGAN (ABC)

This remarkable original series from Marvel and ABC would chronicle Dum Dum Dugan’s tortured and overlooked life as Nick Fury’s second in command known more for his bowler hat, mustache and his stupid fucking name than anything else.

JUSTIFIED’s Neal McDonough would retake the mantle of Dugan, and the big “twist” would be that the entire series wasn’t about Dum Dum Dugan at all, but the Skrull who took his place during SECRET INVASION (above). It’d be like getting to know and love Mad Eye Moody for a whole movie/book and realizing he was really a super villain played by David Tennant, only the pain would last for 3 seasons (Brian Michael Bendis would be the head writer).

6. ALMOST GOOD (BET)

Ostensibly a joke about the quality (or lack thereof) of ALMOST HUMAN, ALMOST GOOD would be a tissue-inducing (happy and sad), behind the scenes look into the life and career of Meagan Good. Despite her stunning body, good looks and talent, she’s wracked with self-doubt and stress (explaining why she’d shack up with Will Ferrell in ANCHORMAN 2), struggling to be as Good as she wants to be.

5. ALMOST CREWMAN (SyFy)

Timothy Bottleneck has always wanted to be on the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise. But because of his flat feet and bad hygiene, he continually fails the exams to qualify for Starfleet. In this quasi-REDSHIRTS ripoff, Timothy would learn over the course of a jam-packed 10 seasons that it’s better to be sucky and alive, than slightly better at life and dead.

You could also replace the Enterprise with the Titanic, or a dude whose dream is to work for a Disney Cruise boat, and is just far too creepy looking to ever get hired. All would be inspiring.

4. ALMOST CUMIN (FOOD NETWORK)

Is there a better spice than Cumin? There’s a reason cum is in the word. This pulse-pounding and salivating reality show would detail a battle of the remaining spices, hoping, straining, trying to be as tasty and useful as Cumin. And ultimately failing miserably.

3. ALMOST TRUMAN (LIFETIME)

The 33rd President of the U.S. and Missouri native was perhaps the most under-appreciated Prez in our nation’s history, given the unenviable task of following FDR in the midst of WWII.

Samuel Lebell says it best in his American Political Science Association award winning novel TRUMAN SUCKS (okay, so it was titled “The Future of American Politics”):

“…after seven years of Truman’s hectic, even furious, activity the nation seemed to be about on the same general spot as when he first came to office … Nowhere in the whole Truman record can one point to a single, decisive break-through … All his skills and energies—and he was among our hardest-working Presidents—were directed to standing still.”

Writers win awards talking shit about Truman. Almost beloved, almost successful, almost popular, almost Truman.

Only after he was dead and American citizens were offered the option of Richard Nixon and the Vietnam War, did they come to appreciate Harry S. Truman.

Poor Harry Sherbet Truman.

2. ALMOST, NEWMAN (NBC)

You’re welcome.

Wayne Knight’s long-awaited return to fame, where Newman gets the last laugh. Always.

AND THEN FINALLY…

1. OLMOS HUMAN (CBS)

The greatest actor in the history of the universe gets his own spotlight on TV’s biggest and “most watched” network. Each episode is different: a true variety show. EJO pitching Acne cream. EJO re-enacting speeches as Admiral Adama from BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (there wouldn’t be any almost cumin for that one). EJO hosting a talk show (that gravelly voice). EJO reading books to malnourished children. EJO curing cancer. EJO as every character in a soap opera. EJO doing whatever the fuck he wanted, because he’s OLMOS HUMAN, which is to say, he’s better than us all.

So say we all.