I was the perfect audience for this movie. I’ve loved Katharine Isabelle in Being Human and Hannibal; she’s an actress who routinely subverts expectations based off her diminutive stature and friendly small-town waitress good looks to play angry, damaged and dangerous women. On the surface, her role as Gwen in 88 is another perfect part for the actress known for indie horror franchises like American Mary and Ginger Snaps. And who doesn’t want to see an all-time favorite like Christopher Lloyd (Back to the Future), in the villainous gangster role? I wasn’t expecting greatness, but I was hoping for fun.

There was hardly any of it, as 88 unfortunately loses all of its goodwill within the first few minutes. Thanks to an opening defining what a fugue state is, we can assume that Gwen is in one. A new persona, a disambiguation from one’s identity, triggered by a dramatic event and accompanied with hallucinations, has fractured from Gwen, throwing herself into a $#*! storm and series of nonsensical events.

Gwen snaps out of the fugue state (or into one?) at a local diner, and before you know it, she’s “accidentally” shot a waitress, has stolen a car, and is on the run from the cops. Gwen’s terrified, has no idea what’s going on, is missing a finger and has no recollection of why gumballs, a hotel key (room…88), and a loaded gun are in her backpack in the first place. Yet she somehow continues to elude the police, who are flimsy placeholders for conflict throughout. 88 snaps back and forth between Gwen and “Flamingo,” her badass (?) peeing in a gas station convenient store alter ego, until both timelines and personalities converge, and the truth emerges.

All we truly know is that Gwen worked for Cyrus (Lloyd), a crime boss collecting stereotypes like Beanie Babies, and tried to get out, along with her lover Aster (Kyle Schmid, another Being Human alum). Instead, Aster’s dead, inspiring the Kill Bill routine, as Gwen/Flamingo embark on revenge: to kill Cyrus.

88 tries way too hard to be cool, with its schizophrenic flashes to Aster and Gwen, blood, spilling milk (SO MUCH MILK; more on that later), shadows, exhaustive red lighting, and the result is a movie that is 88 minutes too long (yes, 88 is 88 minutes long).

The movie throws in insane characters here and there like a student trying to cook a stew for his college girlfriend. There’s Ty (Tim Doiron, the film’s writer), a one-man cop killing machine, who happens to be one of the few characters with any sort of personality, even if it’s obnoxious (“This is gonna be awesome,” he says, in regards to mass murder). He luckily has the same mission as Flamingo/Gwen, to kill Cyrus, and does a helluva lot more to make that happen than Gwen does, certainly. Michael Ironside (Starship Troopers) is a lone bright spot as the town’s sheriff, openly wondering what the hell is going on (“Some of this crap doesn’t make sense”). Speaking of confusion, there’s Lemmy (April Mullen, the film’s director), some wacko taxidermist lady who’s there to supply arms for the kill, I think. She has alternating signs designating “Leisure Time” and “Business Time” in her office that are used to humorous effect, one of the few Don Coscarellian flourishes that worked.

But let’s be honest, Lemmy is there as another excuse for a ridiculous and boring shootout. 88 is filled with laughable shootouts, where either the cops, gangsters or even our heroes learn all ability to hit a target. This is an action movie tradition, of course, but this didn’t feel intentional (and wasn’t ha-ha funny); instead, it sapped credibility from the proceedings, not that there was much to begin with.

In Kill Bill, we’re rooting for Uma Thurman’s Bride. It’s a revenge story with almost as much pizzazz and personality as blood spatter. 88 tries to follow the same blueprint, but it’s a hollow attempt in every way. Cyrus is a one-note villain who isn’t particularly imposing, intelligent, dangerous or interesting. Aster is apparently the love of Gwen’s life, but we never glimpse more than a few seconds at a time with the character, all in annoying flashbacks that we see over and over. It’s hard to get onboard the revenge train if you don’t buy the engine for it, especially when the “heroine” is either a clueless blank slate with no discernible characterization, or worse, a psychopathic killer whose only discernible characterization involves a weird obsession with using shampoo dry and LOVES wasting milk. I lost track of the number of times she orders milks, steals milk, takes a sip and then shatters the bottle/glass on the floor, as 88 substitutes character development with disturbing tics. 88 exists in a town when people still buy milk out of glass, a more intriguing mystery than anything else we’re forced to pretend to care about.

88 is out on DVD, Blu-Ray and VOD now.

LIE TO ME follows a group of scientists that study universal micro-expressions to determine if someone is telling the truth.

Of course, I’ve done a few other things with my life in the past few months too. I’ve slept a little, eaten from time to time, and occasionally even showered. But mostly I’ve come to the shocking and slightly disappointing realization that marathoning TV has ruined my life.

TRUE BLOOD knew it was going down the toilet, so they bribed their female and homo viewers into staying until the end.

When I find a good show that I get truly invested in it becomes all I think about. I’ll cancel plans with friends because why would I spend time with them when I can obsess about Freya’s choice between brothers Killian and Dash? Or wonder how it took so long for there be a sex scene between Eric and Jason in the seven seasons of HBO’s soft-core vampire porno. These shows become the most important friends I have, and all others in my life will take second, third or fourth place when necessary. I’ll even avoid my daily phone call with my mom (who’s my favorite person in the entire world) if it means that I have to resurface from Peter and Roman’s [b]romance (because OMG they’re so gay for each other it hurts).

Even now, as I sit here and bitch and moan about how marathoning TV has taken over my life, the majority of my brain is still wondering if Cal and Gillian are ever going to admit they’re meant to be. (Sidenote: every actor ever has guest-starred on LIE TO ME. Like, for serious.)

Nassau, New Providence Island. 1715. One guess what BLACK SAILS is about.

Unfortunately, the worst (read: BEST) part about marathoning TV is that the list doesn’t ever end. Somewhere in life I’m going to finish BATTLESTAR GALACTICA, BLACK SAILS and HANNIBAL, and if-and-when I ever catch up with those bad boys I’ll finally get to AMERICAN HORROR STORY, VIKINGS, DOMINION, ORPHAN BLACK and TRUE DETECTIVE, though not necessarily in that order. Of course, this is theoretically in addition to all the currently airing [summer] shows I try to keep up with as well like SUITS, COVERT AFFAIRS, SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, and practically every ABC Family show ever. (I see your judging eyes. ABCF is the shit. Sorry, not sorry.)

The moral of this short and distracted story is: Marathoning TV has ruined my life.

And with that, off I go again. Later, haterz.

Why is anybody leaving the room right now? NBC’s Hannibal is part of the holy triumvirate of TV shows right now (Orphan Black and Game of Thrones complete the trifecta).

We get a recap of Hannibal, and the video just gave me goosebumps. SO GOOD. And it has a glimpse of season 3: Hannibal on a plane, sipping champagne WITH Gillian Anderson/Dr. Bedelia du Maurer. WHAT?! [Ed. Note: This was apparently the end of the season finale…meaning I’m an idiot]

Aaron Abrams, Scott Thompson, Caroline Dhavernas, Bryan Fuller, David Slade, Martha DeLaurentiis and Steven Lightfoot are in attendance. No Mads, Hugh or Laurence.

But we get a video from Mads, who’s in Denmark. Hopefully will be in town next year for a quick lunch.

Hugh Dancy has a mustache, in Australia right now, shooting from his cell phone I’d guess. Dancy wants to know what’s going to happen just as much as we do; wants to know if there is any credence to Jimmy Price quitting the service to become Jack’s personal butler. “If Bryan is not yet wearing a flower crown…will someone give him one?”

Fuller: “There’s somebody here right now, who shouldn’t be here right now, because they got shot in the face. Please welcome…Raul Esparza.” That’s Frederick Chilton, who apparently is a big part of season 3, despite being dead (presumably).

Raul loves playing the part because he’s a douchebag, and “Fullerisms” all over the place in his dialogue. “I was surprised as anybody that I got shot in the face.” Wants to come back with an eye patch, hump and parrot.

Eddie Izzard will be returning as a flashback…we’ll be seeing more than just his limbs being eaten.

There are a lot of new characters coming in Season 3 from Thomas Harris’ books. Lady Murasaki, Commander Pazzi and Francis Dolarhyde (coming in episode 8 of season 3). Francis’ arrival starts the tale of Red Dragon, something that will start at the end of season 3 and into season 4 (assuming we get there; WATCH THIS SHOW). Around then is when Silence of the Lambs comes into play, which is why Clarice Starling is brought up.

Can we expect her in the future? Martha DeLaurentiis long-windedly explains that they don’t have the rights to it (MGM does), but they’re trying to work with them to make that happen. Apparently MGM had a Clarice show in development when Hannibal started, so they’re not exactly happy, something that doesn’t bode well. But, I don’t doubt Fuller will make it work, because he’s a genius.

How free are they to deviate from the book? They basically follow the story in the writer’s room, and becomes a sort of mash up of the novels, that they then write for the actors. When they got Michael Pitt as Mason Verger, they tailored the character to what he was doing with it. Michael Pitt was PHENOMENAL last season by the way.

Fuller is hoping to get the rights for Clarice and Silence-stuff, because he wants a completion of the story.

How did Alana Bloom not see Hannibal’s darker side? Caroline argues that he was her rock, that she knew him longer than any of these other characters, and she trusted him. Also, it doesn’t hurt that he’s Mads Mikkelsen/hot (in a Danish/creepy way).

Scott Thompson, who comes from Kids in the Hall, so he knows his shit, argues that it’s a lot easier to be funny on a drama, especially on a show that needs lightening.

So, crazy enough Dr. Chilton is coming back, despite getting shot in the face. He is not dead, and Raul knew he wasn’t, because he read the books and Dr. Chilton survives. He trusts Bryan Fuller implicitly (carried over from Pushing Daisies) and has been very kind to him. Also, I didn’t realize how much of a fan favorite Raul Esparza was until this panel.

David Slade, the director of the pilot and the creator of the “look” of the show, also directed the season 2 finale. Apparently the crazy bloody climax was shot multiple times in complete takes all the way through, which sounds incredibly emotionally draining.

Favorite deaths? Raul: the angel in season 1. Aaron: the baby horse uterus person (or “Turducken,” as it was referred to in the writer’s room). Scott: mushroom death. Caroline: tree person. Steve: totem pole. Martha: eye of god in season 2. Bryan: the cello death, but also loves Mason Verger eating himself.

Slade has gotten better at cooking from this show, which might mean he’s a serial killer.

Will and Hannibal have a genuine love for each other.

Fuller calls the entire show fan fiction, which elicits cheers from the audience. It’s the best fan fiction I’ve ever seen.

Who is Bryan most excited about introducing? Mursaki. Barney was name-dropped in the character, but he was a Silence character, so the rights issue still applies.

Anime was an influence on the show’s style. David Cronenberg, David Lynch and obviously Slade were their cinematic influences.

What’s upcoming for the Sassy Scientists? Abrams promises a spinoff in development, where they fish in a small town, and can’t get out of trouble. It’s called Catch of the Day, and would be awful, he says. We’d all watch it.

Will we know more of Will’s dogs names? Apparently they look to Twitter for inspiration, so tweet @ Hannibal to name a dog on TV. That’s most definitely the dream.

What’s the cuisine for season 3? Italian. Which is a clue as to where Hannibal’s headed while on the run.

Is a Pushing Daisies musical coming, or will music happen on Hannibal? Fuller would love to do a surreal musical in Hannibal’s mind palace, a la Christopher Walken in Weapon of Choice. Apparently Mads can dance/do everything.

If you were eaten, what dish would you want to be served in (a question only asked at Hannibal)? Steve: Raw. Scott: with your fingers. Aaron: Pie. (Scott intones that Aaron is obviously a tiramisu). Caroline: some kind of dessert. Esparza: roast pork, luau style.

Margo and Will’s mirrored scars were intentional, because there’s no accidents on Hannibal. There’s symbolism on top of symbolism, on a platter of more symbolism that looks tasty enough to eat.

The first half season of Season 3 is light on the FBI stuff (see the HQ once in the first 7 episodes, which doesn’t really bode well for Aaron/Scott), and will focus on the pursuit of Hannibal.

When someone comes to ask a question wearing a Dr. Chilton mask, Raul admits that “this is the greatest day of my life.”

3rd season starts one year after the events of season 2, because they want to be vague about who survives, and wanted to land the characters where they’re active (and not in hospitals). The first episode of the 3rd season is like a pilot for a new show starring Hannibal and Dr. Bedelia. They’re telling the story emotionally, not temporally.

Kacey Rohl (Abigail Hobbs) will be a part of season 3. Fuller admits it’d be interesting to see where she was during season 2.

Fuller tries not to think about gender when writing characters, something that deservedly met a ton of applause.

Also: adopt a dog like Will Graham, people.

The panel ended with a stellar snippet from the Hannibal blooper reel, because these murderers and sociopaths actually have a sense of humor.