Still to come: NCIS: New Orleans (CBS), Gracepoint (FOX), The Kingdom (DirecTV), Cristela (ABC), The Walking Dead (AMC), Jane the Virgin (CBS), Marry Me (NBC), Grimm (NBC) and The McCarthys (CBS).

33. The Mysteries of Laura (NBC)

A bigger mystery to me than Laura (or even Laura), is why Debra Messing keeps getting leading roles in TV shows. Or rather, how she picked this one, and who thought the Will & Grace and Smash star was a good fit for a brusque, “badass” awful woman cop show. In the opening moments, we learn that she has a black partner who won’t hesitate to cover her “skinny ass,” and that Detective Laura Diamond (a TV name if I’ve ever heard one) is a morose, protocol-be-damned police woman who can’t help but wonder if anybody has jobs, because HOW DARE people hang out in the park on a sunny afternoon. With its ratings already dropping, I wonder if she will have a job much longer.

Hopefully, it’d rid the world of NBC’s “Woman Crush Weddings,” which apparently is lifted from #WCW, a mind-numbing Twitter hashtag. I’m going to start one: #girlsIwanttofuck. NBC’s Wednesday night block is made up of three grimly serious cops shows (Law & Order: SVU and Chicago P.D. round out the triumvirate), so naturally the marketing campaign devolved into relying on Sophia Bush, Debra Messing and Mariska Hargitay’s considerable sex appeal, rather than being tough workplace role models or whatever.

Laura drives a Volvo, shops at Target and comes equipped with an inspired catchphrase (“You’ve gotta be kidding me!”), deplorable parenting skills and an insulting almost ex-husband Jake (Josh Lucas, never worse) who just can’t bring himself to sign the papers, a family dynamic that sets TV back 43 years. She drugs her children for a private school interview (God forbid these tyrants go to public), and blackmailed a gym teacher with a lot of parking tickets to even get them that interview. Laura actually says, “I’m a mother, with a shiny badge, a loaded gun and very little patience.” There’s the logline that sold the pitch! I think she said that on school grounds, but I could just be imagining that specific horror. It’s like a future Melissa McCarthy movie, except Mysteries of Laura takes itself seriously. You shouldn’t.

Favorite Moments From The Pilot:

1) When Laura Diamond makes a house call, a rich housewife bats her eyelashes; heh, you’re cute, you’re a “middle-aged woman cop…just like on TV!” Mysteries of Laura thinks its clever. Just like pilot director McG probably thinks his name makes people think of anything other than a Happy Meal with explosions.

2) Laura calls men sloppy derisively. The frame widens to find Black Partner spilling popcorn all over the place. Hypocrite alert: Laura’s a slob who eats week old burritos she finds hidden among the piles of crap on her desk.

3) Laura’s kids actually deserve to be drugged and/or murdered. They pee on each other in public and just might be insane. Best of all is when Laura gets called into school, her gun automatically out (you don’t want to go into an elementary school unarmed) and there appears to be BLOOD all over the classroom. But no, it’s just her messy children taking over art class, or whatever. Because bloody classrooms are the best setup for a joke.

The pilot has one pleasure: a mini-Galaxy Quest reunion! Quellek (Patrick Breen) has aged into what appears to be a gay Peter Capaldi, and joins his former Thermian leader Mathesar (the incomparable Enrico Colantoni). The pleasure wears off pretty fast when you realize it had to come on this show. Plus, Quellek gets killed off pretty fast (perhaps fitting), and unfortunately, Alan Rickman does not come prancing in, promising that, By Grabthar’s Hammer, he shall be avenged. Even that probably couldn’t save this show.

32. Z Nation (SyFy)

Oh man, this show is so crummy guys (CRUMMY). It’s close to becoming the designated Drinking Game Show of the week, but I don’t know if the show knows how bad it is yet, and I don’t care enough to find out. And I don’t foresee a shortage of drinking in my future.

It’s SyFy’s answer/rip-off of The Walking Dead, set three years after the first infection. You know how screwed the world would be if a zombie apocalypse happened? DJ Qualls, yes that DJ Qualls, would be military. He practically is a DJ here, living up to his name, with “season tickets to the zompocalypse,” working alone at Camp Northern Light, or something. Even in a dystopia, nobody wants to hang out with DJ Qualls. Qualls is late to evacuate the base, and they leave without him; they immediately fly to their deaths. They’d rather die than hang out with DJ Qualls. I’d rather watch almost anything else than Z Nation.

Z Nation is filled with more nonsensical, military BS talk than the “Z’s” themselves (what a clever term for zombies). The world-saving mission that the surviving dregs of the military are on is called “Operation Bitemark.” Seriously. Most of the tomfoolery is uttered by DJ Qualls, rendering any call sign or operation name about as meaningful as a Bluth family mission. I’d take Operation Hot Mother any day, but I’m a Motherboy.

Speaking of children, there’s also a zombie baby stuffed amid a mission to the CDC, a possible zombie cure, and essentially all four seasons of TWD jammed in an hour. For those who bemoan the AMC show’s deliberate pace, Z Nation provides a terrifyingly awful counter argument. There are several deaths, time jumps and tragedies that befall this boring cast of stock characters, but there’s never a reason to give a shit. We need to care about these people before it matters when they die. Of course, Z Nation is a show where you’re definitely rooting for the zombies to tear into these people so we don’t have to waste any more time on them. The more they kill, the closer to the end of the world, and hopefully, the end of this show.

Favorite Moments:

• “He’s a baby. He makes noise.” “Shut up.”
• LOST refugee Harold Perrinau’s Hammond at one point sighs, “God I hate moral dilemmas.” SyFy has a moral dilemma on whether or not they should keep this show on the air.
• Fantastic zombie rules: “A month ago? That’s like 2 years apocalypse time.”

I actually did like the idea of a pop-up weapons caravan that sells various guns, knives, bullets and other hairy concoctions. I also enjoyed the conceit that the zombie’s speed depends on how long they’ve been dead: they’re fast immediately after, then slow as time goes on. This doesn’t explain why a baby turns into a devastating ferret-like monster once bitten, since zombism presumably doesn’t make you faster. Or so one would think. But there’s not a lot of thought put into Z Nation.

31. Forever (ABC)

Ioan Gruffudd might be the most boring actor on the planet, yet he keeps landing TV roles, his career seemingly as immortal as his title character in this dull show.

At one point during this derivative pilot, Henry (Gruffudd) explains to us in a droll monologue: “My life is just like yours, except for one small difference…it never ends.”

I live forever, no biggie guys. I’m just like you. You can empathize me, relate to my suffering. WHAT THE FUCK?! If an immortal prick tried to befriend me, the injustice would be that I couldn’t friggin’ kill him. My life is just likes yours, except I’m Brad Pitt. My life is just like yours, except I own an island. My life is just like yours, except I’m the orphan of a now extinct alien race.

Henry has “seen a lot,” but hasn’t learn shit about life or his condition over the last 200 years of his life. He just knows that when he dies, he wakes up in the nearest body of water naked, not a scratch on him. He’s Ichabod Crane/Sherlock Holmes without the charm or quirks. He’s understandably obsessed with death, so he works at a morgue along with Joel David Moore (Bones, Avatar), who has been neurotic and awkward as long as this show’s title (For-Ev-Er).

In the opening scene Henry’s the only survivor of a massive subway accident, and even before he gets a cryptic villainous phone call, I was having Unbreakable flashbacks. While it’s not exactly Mr. Glass on the other end, there’s someone else like him out there, and they’re about to engage in a Sherlock/Moriarty battle, with New York as the playground. Or something.

What’s depressing about Forever, or at least, a few of the things that make me depressed, is that the wacky premise is just an excuse to throw Henry into a police procedural opposite Detective Jo Martinez (Alana De La Garza), a woman who escaped Woman Crush Wednesdays, and after one case, gets to bring Henry along during investigations until this show gets cancelled. This job tag-along crap is one of my favorite procedural tropes; if there’s ever a murder involving fantasy football, Red Pandas and IPA’s, I might walk away with a job.

Henry’s lifespan and accumulated knowledge only manifests itself in his keen observational skills. He’s another Psych, Mentalist, Sherlock character, because the public loves seeing assholes who can figure out that you’re allergic to coconuts, have 3 cats, like anal sex and are still emotionally recovering from the death of your postman. Women also love men who pay attention, so Henry’s a ladies man. Throw in a little bit o’ Nazi backstory, and you have Forever, a show I’ll be watching…

Never. Never again, anyways. Unless the Moriarty character is played by Alan Rickman.

30. Manhattan Love Story (ABC)

“I want to write a love story set in Manhattan.”

“Oh my god, what a revolutionary idea, and even better, it already has a ready-made, totally informative, awesome title!”

“Love Story Set In Manhattan? Sounds awkward.”

“Manhattan Love Story, silly.”

“OMG, you’re right.”

A studio exec leans over the coffee table, spilling their mimosa. “Excuse me, did you say Manhattan Love Story? We’ll BUY IT!”

Manhattan Love Story sounds like a vague place holder title a writer would have on his To-Do list, or the barebones plot description of this mostly dreadful pilot. But, I suppose it tells you all you need to know: not to watch it.

In the nightmarish opening moments, Peter (Jake McDorman) walks down the New York street, debating whether or not he’d have sex with the women along his path. Coming from the opposite direction is Dana (Analeigh Tipton), who’s doing the same thing…with purses (she’s debating whether she’d own them, not fuck them, I think). When they pass one another, they both essentially say “Yes” to each other, and this is their unfortunate story.

Neurotic, single and “adorkable” Dana just moved to New York because of a new job. Of course, that’s not really important. What’s important is that she’s single and needs a boy, or so sayeth her evil, manipulative, yoga instructor friend/roommate Amy (Jade Catta-Preta), a character type that only exists on shitty sitcoms.

Amy’s that girl who always has to be in control, forcing her husband-or-whatever David (Nicolas Wright) to enlist his brother, who of course is Peter, to go on a date with Dana. You don’t need me to tell you that it goes terribly. Dana is a klutz with technology/everything, accidentally typing Peter Cooper into her Facebook status (a clever joke mined in Trophy Wife last year). She also calls instead of texts, and does the unbearably painful accidental text ABOUT Peter TO Peter (okay, so I’ve been there). Dana’s a mess, guys.

Whereas Peter is a ladies man who sees women as trophies, which makes sense, because he works for a company that makes trophies, a business that is BOOMING, because America loves to reward everything, not just first place, in order to celebrate mediocrity. You could say the same about Manhattan Love Story and network television, though that might be mistaken for a compliment.

Dana cries on her date, Peter makes fun of her cute list of things she wants to do in NY, and the pair have an awful, dueling stream of consciousness monologue happening in their respective heads at all times. It’s a conceit that might’ve been wonderful on How I Met Your Mother, but here, it emphasizes how little you actually want to hear these characters talk.

Peter and Dana, of course, make up, and have a moment en route to the Statue of Liberty, one of the things on Dana’s list. It’s clear the two of them will have a bumpy road, and I suppose that’s the flimsy hook of the pilot: what touristy things are these mismatched heathens going to do next in the most overseen city in America? Perhaps more importantly: will Dana conquer social media? Judging by the final moments, when she has an embarrassing encounter with her FB relationship status (a joke that would’ve felt biting in 2006), the outlook is about as bleak as this show’s prospects. The show probably won’t last, which is almost a shame, because then my spec script Toledo Love Story won’t get off the ground.

29. Bad Judge (NBC)

You’ll hate this show by the opening frame: Kate Walsh, passed out in an impossible position, wearing a leopard print bra, and shimmery sequin underwear, is jolted awake by the omnipresent alarm clock. She’s late to work, and has to pop pills incessantly to get there in time, driving an insane hippie van en route to Van Nuys Municipal Court, while awaiting the results of her pregnancy test. It’s a testament to how lame this show is, that I feel bad that Van Nuys has the unfortunate duty of taking the brunt of the setting, and Van Nuys is the cesspool of the valley.

Kate Walsh plays Judge Rebecca Wright, and she’s actually not as Bad as you think she is: she’s a slutty, messy alcoholic, sure, but she shows up, and goes well beyond her job description when it comes to helping out Robby (Theodore Barnes), a kid whose parents are in jail because Rebecca put them there. As Judge Hernandez states, “You’re a Judge, not a social worker!” but who really cares? Rebecca may have had wine and cake for breakfast, or so she says, and we’re supposed to revel in how screwed up she is, but she mostly just talks about how bad she is, than actually being bad. She saves Robby from bullies and juvie, makes a nice speech at some boring gala and has friends at the Court, while seeing through the inherent bullshit of Douglas Riller (the normally fantastic Chris Parnell), who’s on trial for having two families or something.

The show also stars Ryan Hansen (Party Down) as Gary, one of Rebecca Wright’s many hook-ups (they have sex in her chambers!). After Gary Busey, he’s her favorite Gary, clearly the one that’s supposed to stick (for the four episodes that this show will last). I think Gary Busey could make a more coherent sitcom than Bad Judge.

Bad TeacherJudge was envisioned as a female Eastbound & Down, with Adam McKay and Will Ferrell trying to spice up a show…created by Anne Heche (THE Anne Heche). What remains is a show that doesn’t know what it is, stumbling out of the gates drunkenly in high heels. Its pilot starts abruptly; I felt like I had a hangover similarly potent to Rebecca’s, not the kind of feeling I want when watching TV.

I expected to despise Bad Judge, but instead, due to its limp existence, found myself completely emotionless. Bad Judge not only lacks laughs, but a pulse. There’s some inkling of a Bad Santa-like relationship between Rebecca and Robby, and it certainly was the most tolerable part about the pilot, but to call it disjointed from the rest of the proceedings is an understatement. It didn’t mesh at all with what the show is supposed to be. Of course, I don’t know if NBC has any idea what Bad Judge is supposed to be, and I’m not going to bother finding out.

Tone Bell (…Whitney), who plays Tedward Mulray (really?), the court security officer and pigeonholed black character, remarks: “2014 is a trip.” Excuse the poor writing (it’s not like Bad Judge sets a high bar), but 2014’s Fall TV is a (bad) trip.

28. Mulaney (FOX)

Saturday Night Live writer-performer and stand-up comedian John Mulaney is talented, likable and a star seemingly perfectly suited for a TV show.

But something has gone horribly wrong with Mulaney. I was told by someone I reasonably trust that Mulaney was originally intended as a meta-sitcom hoping to lampoon the very nature of sitcoms themselves. Instead, what came out is exactly the kind of show that John Mulaney would most certainly revel in making fun of. It’s a crappy, cliche sitcom, one so bewildering and unfortunate, that I’m at a loss of what the hell I just watched.

In the show, Mulaney is a struggling stand-up comedian and writer, nervous for an interview with the pompous TV personality Lou Cannon (Martin “Life’s Too” Short “To Be Wasting His Time On This”). He, of course, gets the job, but it’s a mixed blessing because Lou sucks. While Mulaney struggles with his “dream job,” fellow comic Motif (Seaton Smith) finds himself in the zeitgeist with a new hip joke, “Problem Bitch.” Even if it doesn’t have an ending. He has an 18 hour window to come up with one, until the audience realizes they’re “laughing at nothing.” It’ll take you far less time to realize you’re doing the same thing while watching Mulaney, even with the live studio audience somehow churning out a laugh track.

Whenever I create the League of Extraordinarily Awful TV Characters, pretty much everyone on this show will compete for a spot on the hotly contested roster. Jane (Nasim Pedrad) argues convincingly that definitions of “crazy” for men and women mean entirely different things, but she justifies every bad thing a man has thought about a “crazy” woman in this episode. She’s going through a break up, so she breaks into the guy’s emails, stalks him, uprooting flowers that she planted at his apartment. She actually is INSANE. Hilarious. Andre (Zack Pearlman) is the douchiest drug dealer you could come up with, inspiring a Newman-like hatred from Mulaney and the rest of his friends. And that’s the point; the parallels between Mulaney and Seinfeld are obvious. Each episode starts up with Mulaney’s stand up, and he plays a version of himself alongside larger-than-life sitcom characters who “enliven” every scene with big entrances.

The whole show is trying too hard; John Mulaney and company seem so desperate to please, that each tired situation and joke nearly causes physical pain. Everyone is mugging for the camera as if they’re attention starved extras. It’s like watching an ill-advised sketch that isn’t working…that runs for 22 minutes. This show has Martin Short and Elliott Gould, two all-time greats. It can’t be this dire, can it?

Motif’s “joke” boils down to this: “If you don’t know the problem, you’re the problem bitch.” FOX makes an easy target as the problem bitch for a show with so many of them, but I don’t think anyone is innocent. Everyone involved with the show is the problem, bitch.

27 & 26. A to Z (NBC)/Selfie (ABC)

Both of these are grouped together for many reasons. One is so I don’t have to waste the time writing two separate entries, but mostly it’s because both shows are misguided, mostly repugnant sitcoms, wasting the efforts of truly likable people. It’s also because I watched them on the same day, about a month ago, and have blissfully forgotten most of that experience.

How does a show with Karen Gillan and John Cho elicit so much hatred? Because they happen to be in a show called Selfie. It’s an abhorrent title that has no defense, but we as a society deserve at least some of the blame for enabling a studio to even consider this a smart idea. There’s an inherent hypocrisy that “Selfie” is getting such a bad rap for a name, when almost every single one of us are taking selfies whenever possible. But at least we’re not making a TV show about it, you rightfully counter.

The title isn’t the only problem with Selfie, unfortunately. Its first half is as bad and cringe-worthy as you expect a show called Selfie to be, with Karen Gillan slutting it up and bravely becoming the world’s worst human, consumed with likes and follows, with no notion of how to be an actual person. She is the Black Hole of Suck that embodies all that’s wrong with social media. Enter John Cho, as her life coach and I’m sure her eventual love interest, except the show won’t last long enough to get there. It’s a testament to Gillan and Cho’s talents that they can SOMEHOW make the show watchable in the second half, when Gillan’s Eliza Dooley becomes less like a terrifying caricature and a living manifestation of nails on a chalkboard, and someone who just barely avoids deserving a punch in the mouth from every person she meets. It’s actually a mild miracle that could portend a dramatic turnaround a la Cougar Town, but I doubt it.

Sidenote: Is John Cho on a mission to star in every TV show on air? He had Go On, a recurring role on Sleepy Hollow, this mess, and a cush voice gig on American Dad! I guess he figures he needs about 2-3 a season to have one at any given time.

Since How I Met Your Dad didn’t happen, A to Z is the gimmicky, schmaltzy romantic sitcom that hopes to take its place, even gifted with the absolutely adorable Cristin Milioti, who somehow lived up to being the Mother on HIMYM. It also has Mad Men scene stealer Ben Feldman, the Andrew to Milioti’s Zelda (get it, A to Z?). There probably isn’t a more delightful new coupling on TV. Or so you’d think.

A to Z is a show that stars a woman I’m legitimately mad I’m not old enough, New York enough, or talented enough to have met before she was famous. The pilot features multiple Back to the Future references. I still probably won’t watch another episode.

Andrew (Feldman) and Zelda (Milioti) are perfect for each other because the Narrator (Katey Sagal doing her best Allison Janney impersonation, oddly enough) tells us in an obnoxious opener that actually “reveals” that Andrew’s a man’s man who loves sports with the boyz, while Zelda is a girl’s girl…and Andrew sings Celine Dion (who doesn’t?)…blegh. They, of course, have insanely specific shared interests, ones that can be mined for comedy and for stubborn, insistent proof that they are one another’s romantic destiny. Instead, Andrew just comes off as a creep in proving their meant to be-ness. It’s hard to make the charming Ben Feldman creepy, but A to Z manages just fine. That’s what happens when a guy tracks down concert footage to prove whether or not someone you hardly know was in attendance.

Feldman and Milioti are meant for great things, just not for each other, at least not in A to Z. Like Andrew’s character, it’s trying too hard. If it was a bit worse, and I was a curmudgeon, I’d finish this review with the painful retort: “With an entire alphabet to play with, the only letter it reaches is F.”

That’s a failing grade, y’all.

25. Red Band Society (FOX)

Because Fault of Our Stars was a YA sensation, the clear message to advertisers is this: young people love to watch young people die (I guess this is more or less true considering Hunger Games and the string of dystopian successes). But Red Band Society uses this as a shortcut to feels and tragedy, rather than earning an audience’s emotional investment.

In a hospital that has a rooftop perfect for parties, a wealthy hypochondriac recluse who lives in one of the wings and gives dope to kids (An American Werewolf in London‘s Griffin Dunne, actually giving the show a breath of funky fresh air) and attractive doctors, lives a group of kids of various socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, and diseases. They are the Red Band Society.

Octavia Spencer is a “scary bitch,” who relishes in the barista getting her name right on the coffee cup. While the cup reads scary bitch, this is Nurse Jackson, the hardened woman keeping track of all these sick kids, who also has a heart of gold. But she doesn’t want to be muffin buddies with Nurse Dobler (Rebecca Rittenhouse), whose crime is clear: she’s too nice. You made me a plate of muffins? How dare you try to befriend me, you BITCH?!

The Red Band Society comes with a mawkish monologue from coma patient Charlie (name o’ the week nominee Griffin Gluck), who speaks in “this means that” misdirection with a voice that reminds you of Home Alone-era Macaulay Culkin. There’s “…the story you want people to know and the one you don’t.” “How do you tell someone who needs a heart…that she never had one to begin with?” “Luck isn’t getting what you want, it’s surviving what you don’t want.” [When you get sick, people assume] “life stops…but it’s the opposite: life starts.” We have to forgive the Hallmark/inspirational phrase-of-the-day calendar stuff, because Charlie’s speaking FROM a coma: “This is me, talking to you from a coma. Deal with it.” Okay.

Kara (Zoe Levin) is the early favorite for Worst New Character on TV: she’s a Mean Girl cheerleader who coins phrases like “niplash” and after she collapses during practice, she decides to smoke in the hospital, BLOW CIGARETTE SMOKE INTO CHARLIE’S FACE (Charlie being the coma patient), and uses Charlie’s call button to get attention. She treats the nurses like their room service: she actually orders a kale salad from Nurse Jackson. But dammit, she needs a heart transplant. Maybe I should feel bad, but mostly I felt like they were robbing me of my ability to hate this character, who deserves several volumes of text dedicated to hating her. Kara’s not going to be eligible for a heart any time soon, thanks to her wide and varied drug use seen in her toxicology report. Wah wah.

Red Band Society ladles on the sentimentality and depression in equal measures, but luckily, the show’s heart is in the right place, even if their characters may not have working ones. Eventually, being forced to feel actually works, and dammit if something wasn’t stirring when Leo (Charlie Rowe) brings the gang together, and gives them all red bands, bracelets from his various surgeries that he’s kept as horrific mementos, quoting Shakespeare’s Henry V, labeling them his band of brothers. The relationship between Leo and new roommate Jordi (Nolan Sotillo) is the show’s saving grace, as Leo turns into an unlikely mentor for a friend forced to wade through the same tragedy. On the eve of an operation that will leave Jordi minus a leg, Leo promises him: “they can never cut into your soul.”

While Red Band Society smacks of somehow translating cancer kids and their foibles into marketing money, the show still feels like it has one. A soul, that is.

24. Madam Secretary (CBS)

Is “Not Politics As Usual” the most awkward slogan ever? Or is it the title I wish this show to have? Probably both, even if this is very much…politics as usual.

The Oval Office has always needed a middle-aged mother of three. After the Secretary of State’s plane went down, Keith Carradine (joining the annals of TV Presidency) tabs Elizabeth McCord (Tea Leoni) for the job. They apparently used to work in The Company together (we’re so cool we don’t have to call it the CIA). Prepare to hear The Company more times than you care to.

She’s the “least political person” the President knows, the only one he can trust to make real change. After all: “You don’t just think outside the box, you don’t know there is a box.” How do you say no to that pitch?

Ugh. Someone at CBS said yes to this pitch, and while it has many laughable and groan-worthy moments, it’s also very…competent. Elizabeth McCord may think outside the box, but this show is constructed entirely out of boxes. There’s a conspiracy, Elizabeth relies on her skills as a Mother in matters of National Security and diplomatic peacekeeping meetings with equal aplomb, and she even has to weather a new personal stylist. Oh, politics. You’re the worst.

But this show somehow isn’t. It’s so very standard, and predictable, but it’s not bad. It’s comfort food that tries to have edge: Elizabeth has shady contacts! Tim Daly is always shady! There’s a shady death! Politics are so shady, but the show’s tactics are so familiar, that its edges only further embolden the box’s architecture.

Zeljko Ivanek has played so many government aides that it’d be weird for him NOT to be in this show. How many times do you have to play a “combative chief of staff” before he gets grandfathered into the real Oval Office?

Hilariously, Quellek of Galaxy Quest, is ALSO in this show, as the director of the CIA. Good for Patrick Breen. He doesn’t even die!

At some point in this pilot episode, a character (probably a politician), admits, “I don’t think now is the time for substance.” He/she could be talking about this show, this fall season, or network TV as a whole. It’s certainly been CBS’ politics as usual mantra and MO for years (with a few exceptions), and it’s worked for so long, because these are the kind of shows that become hits and stay on for years and years. Why do so many people settle for mediocre, “safe” TV? Because so many people are morons. But with more and more outlets for content, and so many of them outstripping the major networks, hopefully the networks will respond with something bolder than a woman in the oval office.

23. Stalker (CBS)

Kevin Williamson has forever cemented his place in my heart with Dawson’s Creek, but Stalker continues a disturbing trend of horror-shock entertainment, akin to The Following.

We open with a hooded stalker with creepy slits in his mask burning a woman alive in her car. This case is forwarded to LA’s Threat Assessment Unit, where Beth Davis (Maggie Q) and her team excel in tackling stalker cases. How To Make It In America‘s Victor Rasuk and True Blood‘s Mariana Klaveno are Detectives with the thankless duty of holding case files and introducing them, while murmuring about how capable Beth is to the new guy Jack Larsen (Dylan McDermott), who’s hired to make sure the other detectives never have to leave the office. Jack was transferred from NY to LA because he slept with his boss’ wife, he has a big personality, and basically for being everything you personify in a Dylan McDermott character. Meaning: you hate him, just like Beth does when she first meets the lout; it’s slightly clever of Stalker to play with McDermott’s inherent hate-ability even if I question their methods. He’s a smart ass who makes inappropriate jokes (he transferred to LA to meet Scarlett Johansson, presumably a stalking victim) and admits to checking out Beth’s breasts; what’s not to love? Oh, he’s also tailing a blonde woman (Angel‘s Elisabeth Rohm) with a family, potentially a devious stalker himself.

Stalker is slick (because misogyny is cool, yo), mostly well made, but do you really want to spend an hour watching men and women getting attacked? That’s just not the type of escapist entertainment I’m drawn to, and this show doesn’t posit itself as anything more than that.

During a convenient lecture, Beth Davis tells us that over 6 million people get stalked each year; that’s 1 in 6 women and 1 in 19 men. It’s a serious problem, one exacerbated by social media and the unparalleled access people are relenting online. You want Stalker to get into the mindsets of stalkers, to attempt to take some sort of stance, but much like The Following, it’s mostly reveling in the violence, while Stalker‘s crippled with a procedural bent on a case of the week. It doesn’t glorify stalkers like The Following seemingly did for serial killers and cults in a disturbing way, but Stalker is already walking a fine line.

Stalkers are a sticky topic: most people don’t notify the police, or when they do, they can’t prove it. This is the crux of the problem; law enforcement can’t help most of the time, a realization that has spurred Beth to take matters into her own hands, much like a vigilante. This revenge fantasy could turn the show on its head, and highlighting the problems with catching real-life stalkers almost seems important. But it certainly feels like Stalker is going to be a spotlight for creepy, over-the-top horror movie level villains. That’s the mistake Kevin Williamson and company make; they assume the greater the evil, the freakier it is. I daresay focusing on the stalkers we’d find in real life are even scarier.

Sixty four characters from J.K. Rowling’s life defining series of books (and the films that WB lovingly adapted) made it through the Goblet of Fire. Unless you’re Crabbe and Goyle (and shame on you if you are), everyone that made it into this March Madness-style Triwizard Tournament received at least some love in the proceedings.

And that’s how it should be. Each and every time something like this is organized, I’m sure a new winner is crowned. Harry Potter is so rich and full with brilliant, multi-faceted characters, and everyone has their own favorite. Now we know the favorite of our tiny corner of the universe, as a winner is crowned on the 16th anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts.

Was there any doubt that a witch or wizard from Gryffindor (“Not Slytherin. Not Slytherin.”) would stand above all the rest when it was all said and done? Perhaps it’s surprising who ended up as the internet’s champion, as Harry Potter himself, Neville Longbottom, Ron Weasley, and the Weasley Twins, were nowhere to be found holding the mantle of favorite/best Harry Potter universe character when it was all said and done. It was none other than Hermione Granger, who out-prepared the field, never coming close to defeat, taking out the might that is the Weasley Twins in the finals, with a whopping 76.5% of the vote. Here’s the final bracket, as Granger vanquished Dean Thomas, Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor McGonagall, Remus Lupin, Albus Dumbledore and the Weasley Twins en route to holding the Triwizard Cup.

In other words:

After every March Madness tournament, CBS Sports airs “One Shining Moment,” a video featuring the highlights of the games, the drama, the tears, the excitement. Grant Belcher, an enormously talented friend of the site, fashioned his own version for this tournament. It’s very easily the best thing that’s ever come out of Seven Inches of Your Time since its inception. Without further ado, here is Hermione Granger’s One Shining Moment:

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It’s all come down to this.

After a torturous tournament run that can only be described as Azkabanian (I’d rather have taken my N.E.W.T.’s), twothree wizards remain.

Fred and George Weasley, the twin champions of comedy, took out Harry Potter himself (“We got Potter! We got Potter!”), en route to representing the Burrow and all that’s light, frothy and jokesy about the world.

Hermione Granger, the bushy-tailed every-woman nerd, vanquished Albus Dumbledore, showing book smarts still matters in an age where books are dying.

Now opposites face off. Fred and George Weasley dropped out of Hogwart’s to pursue a career in making people laugh. Hermione would rather die than let that happen…though of course, we never see her graduate from Hogwart’s either, as she sorted out her priorities. Can she sort out the twins?

As Oliver Wood would say, “This is it.”

“The big one,” said Fred Weasley.

“The one we’ve all been waiting for,” said George.

They know Oliver’s speech by heart, and you know the drill by now…so without further ado, VOTE FOR YOUR FAVORITE HARRY POTTER CHARACTER!

Voting ends Thursday May 1st at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote till your fingers bleed. You may need a pint of Butterbeer, or seven, from Madam Rosmerta’s private reserve to make a decision.

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Only eight witches and wizards remain in this crazed March Madness-style tournament of HARRY POTTER characters. Allow me to illuminate the bracket for you. LUMOS!

None of the survivors are Ron Weasley. If there was one person I’m fine with one of the all-time greats losing to, it’s his dear ole mum, the patron saint of parenthood/awesome, and the den mother of the Burrow/all of us, Molly Weasley.

Whimsy and quirk were defeated once and for all, as Luna Lovegood was no match for the Half-Blood Prince, one Severus Snape, and I have no quibble(r)s about it.

Harry’s father figures are like squibs: we don’t want any part of that shit, as Sirius Black succumbed to the veil once again.

Death Eaters have also been eradicated, as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Bellatrix Lestrange have been Avada Kedavra’d from the proceedings.

Its humans only, as Hedwig has taken his final flight.

Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom, as has been fated, will face off for a spot in the Final Four. But will it even matter, with Snape, Lupin, Hermione or Dumbledore emerging on the other side, and the King or Queen of Weasley’s standing in their way to the Championship?

We’ve arrived to the Elite 8, when decisions are more painful than splinching, or as exhausting as Hermione’s class schedule sans a time turner. Was Harry truly the right Chosen One? Can the Weasley twin wheeze past their mother? Can Hermione dispatch our favorite Professor/werewolf, Remus Lupin? Can Snape outwit his second and truest master, Albus Dumbledore? Time to find out.

Voting lasts through the weekend, until April 27th at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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The first two rounds of our March Madness style Harry Potter bracket has been fun, mildly diverting. Relatively easy. It was like remedial potions. Now the bracket looks like this (click on the image to make it larger):

Now it gets brutal. Sirius. Like cruciatus curse painful. It’s time to forever sort your priorities. Voldemort takes on Dumbledore. Harry gets a chance at vengeance against Bellatrix. Neville faces his toughest test yet…an owl. Hermione vs. McGonagall (!!). Ron against his mother. Fred and George must take down Sirius Black…and perhaps the biggest match of opposites ever: Luna Lovegood versus one Severus Snape.

Second round results and analysis is forthcoming (Hagrid loses to a character who was never alive for any part of the books…and that was the only upset). For rankings of the most recent losers, check this out. Let’s jump into this like Neville would a Herbology class.

Voting lasts until Wednesday, April 23rd, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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On Monday, we launched the first round of the March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. After four days of routs, combined with a few upsets (Oliver Wood for Prime Minister) that Professor Trelawney likely could have predicted in her sleep (which is how she does her predictions), NOW we’re jumping into the dark, murky depths of the tunnels of Hogwarts (Basilisk beware!), so deep and suffocating that even gillyweed wouldn’t save you.

Only 32 characters remain to achieve glory, angling for a spot in the Sweet Sixteen. Click on the bracket below for a better glimpse at the witches, wizards, owls, centaurs, muggles, ghosts, house elves and half-giants that remain.

For predictions and analysis from a lackluster Lee Jordan impression, check out our Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Bracketology. For commentary and tributes to the fallen favorites, consult Lee Jordan’s Unforgivable Bracket Results.

The easy answers have been made. Round 2 and beyond will serve to give us the answers that even Bathilda Bagshot doesn’t know the answer to, and you certainly wouldn’t find in A History of Magic. Who is Potterverse’s champion of quirky and cool: Tonks or Luna Lovegood? Is Kingsley Shacklebolt the most underrated HP character there is? Will anyone vote for the Dursley’s against Harry? Can the humble Hufflepuff house and their savior, Cedric Diggory, take down Sir Neville Longbottom? Can evil triumph when Bellatrix battles Mad Eye? Who is the internet’s favorite Weasley: Can Ginny beat her mother? Will the twins topple their father? Is anyone losing any sleep over Percy Weasley’s elimination? Does Lee Jordan, the unofficial bracket mascot/host, have what it takes to continue his Cinderella run? Are Oliver “Gives Me” Wood, Lily Potter and Firenze built to last in this tournament? The answers are coming, as Round 2 begins.

Voting lasts until Monday, April 21st, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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This past Monday, this silly HP-themed bracket was launched on this website that, I’ll tell ya, doesn’t pay well. We’re officially through with the opening round, with Round 2 kicking off NOW. To vote, GO HERE.

Over the course of the tournament, I, your thrilling/but totally bored host, Lee Jordan, will walk you through the twists, the turns, the soul-crushing defeats, the heart-soaring comebacks, and the Cinderella stories of this tournament. As always, I shall announce the results loud and clear so you won’t need extendable ears to hear it, wherever you may be on the interwebs.

The Burrow Region:

1. Ron Weasley DEF. 16. Seamus Finnigan: Ron, perhaps the favorite for the whole tournament, depending on whom you ask, managed to vanquish his first test, though it wasn’t a breeze like it was for Harry and Hermione. Kinda like his life. Seamus Finnegan was probably the toughest #16 seed though, and it showed, as Ron only received 81.2% of the vote.

Oh, Seamus:

8. Bill Weasley DEF. 9. Fleur Delacour: The odd couple was the closest match of the second half of Round 1, which proved to be less than thrilling. This was close (the Were-Weasley notched 56% of the vote), but still kinda milquetoast.

Hey, remember when Ron asked Fleur to the Yule Ball and she married his older brother?

5. Ginny Weasley DEF. 12. Cho Chang: I clearly underestimated the love for Ginny, as Mrs. Potter ran away with this one, (Jennifer) garnering 90% of the tallies. Maybe it’s because I go bro before ho’s, and Ginny’s the sister of my best mates. Smooth move, Potter. I guess Cho was kind of a bitch to Harry. Who cares about the death of Cedric, anyhow? Lame excuse.

No words:

4. Molly Weasley DEF. 13. Narcissa Malfoy: Molly destroyed Narcissa, and all is right in the universe.

Here’s Narcissa’s saving grace:

6. Arthur Weasley DEF. 11. Lucius Malfoy: People clearly love Jason Isaacs, because while Arthur won quite handily, only 70% seemed like a victory for Lucius. For awhile, Lucius was the scariest villain in the HP universe. He was Draco’s father, the man who created the nuisance to all creation, and before he became a wimp, he was one of the more imposing foes Harry faced…before You-Know-Who came back.

Here’s a tribute to the man, entitled “Dark & Beautiful,” which I in no shape or form watched, so good luck:

3. Fred & George Weasley DEF. 14. Charlie Weasley: Charlie seems like a nice enough bloke, but its the TWINS! Here here! F&G proved the biggest studs of the opening round in this region, netting 94.1% of the vote.

Because Charlie Weasley hardly exists, I give to you…a faux trailer or something for a Charlie Weasley film starring Seth Green in the titular role, and the dragons from DRAGONHEART:

10. Lee Jordan DEF. 7. Percy Weasley: 100 POINTS FOR GRYFFINDOR! Hooray, me! Finally, an upset, though I’d hardly call this one. It wasn’t even close, as I got nigh 80% of the votes. Sirius better watch his back.

Percy wasn’t going to get a video (nor does he deserve one), until I stumbled upon this:

2. Sirius Black DEF. 15. Buckbeak: Poor Buckbeak. He saves Sirius’ ass on multiple occasions, only survives because of some questionable time travel, and STILL, he gets whupped on by his buddy Mr. Black.

Good ole Buckbeak. Here’s our introduction to the proud, dangerous and wonderful creature, minus the awful Draco Malfoy bits that threatened to ruin that entire book/movie:

The Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof):

1. Severus Snape DEF. 16. James Potter: While Snape won handily, he also was by far the weakest top seed performer in the opening round, only receiving 69.9% of the vote. Snape is a mercurial, love/hate character, but James Potter, aside from spawning the Boy Who Lived, seemed like a right arse, and I expected Snape to destroy him and get his revenge. Snape moves on…but perhaps I’m overrating his appeal. Or am I underrating the loyalty to the Potter family?

8. Nearly Headless Nick DEF. 9. Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle scares the bejesus out of me, and John Cleese is a legend, and the whole idea of someone being “nearly headless” is one of the most brilliant things I’ve ever heard.

Remember when Moaning Myrtle helped Harry Potter and Cedric Diggory win the Triwizard Tournament, and maybe ghost boink Cedric?

5. Nymphadora Tonks DEF. 12. Garrick Ollivander: The wand chooses the wizard, but not enough people chose Ollivander. I love Natalia Tena and the vivacious attitude of Tonks, and so does the Internet, though I was surprised by how many votes Ollivander received (getting almost 30% of the shares). John Hurt is the tits though.

4. Luna Lovegood DEF. 13. Viktor Krum: If the first round is any indication, Luna Lovegood might emerge victorious against Tonks in a battle of the weird and alternative. I would’ve guessed Viktor Krum would have more love than Ollivander, yet Luna pushed him off his broom and stomped on his face, coming away with 82.4% of the vote.

I’m with Ron; Krum sucks. Some other people disagree, however:

6. Kingsley Shacklebolt DEF. 11. Rufus Scrimgeour: In a battle of better Ministers of Magic than Cornelius Fudge, Kingsley proved the easy winner, racking up the second highest differential in the region. Whenever I read his name, I envision Ben Kingsley and Bolt from BOLT, hitching a ride on a Firebolt broom, perhaps with Love Shack playing in the background. It’s a wonderful image, and if anyone else in the world now thinks that when they happen upon Kingsley Shacklebolt, this whole tournament was a success.

Before we meet meet Rufus, he has one of the most badass introductions:

3. Voldemort DEF. 14. Nagini: Nagini is terrifying, because snakes are the worst, and it’s clear that only one man could defeat Nagini (Neville). But the horcrux is no match for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Nagini has many BIG moments in the series, but the Bathilda Bagshot scene in Godric’s Hollow takes the cake:

10. Aberforth Dumbledore DEF. 7. Filch & Mrs. Norris: For whatever reason, I always thought Filch and Mrs. Norris had a bizarre following comprised of cat people and prickly maids/butlers, but if there is, they aren’t on the Internet, as Aberforth plowed through the caretaker with ease, getting 77% of the votes cast in his general direction.

This is Everything:

Filch is the best, when you’re not the one in trouble:

2. Albus Dumbledore DEF. 15. Gellert Grindelwald: This probably would be the most epic wizarding duel ever, but instead, Albus was in cruise control, getting 86.1% of the vote en route to a match up against his (rightfully) resentful brother.

The Chosen One(s) Region:

1. Harry Potter DEF. 16. Cornelius Fudge: What, you expected the boy who lived not to survive the first round of his own bloody tournament? It certainly helps that he took on an oaf. Shockingly, four other matchups were bigger landslides than this duel, and Harry notched 96.4% of the vote. What can we learn from this? Not only were there a lot of lopsided affairs in Round 1 (thus far), but perhaps Harry Potter is not as invincible as one might think. A less likely possibility? There are Cornelius Fudge sympathizers. Bwahahahaaha.

As a send off, I give you Harry & The Potters performing…”Cornelius Fudge is an Ass”:

And for the six people who voted for Cornelius Fudge, he’s a video chronicling his journey from clueless politician to “total douchebaggery”:

9. The Dursleys DEF. 8. Peter Pettigrew: The masses have spoken. We’d much rather suffer through an unbearable childhood in a closet under the stairs and bullied by a fat moron, than deal with a man who betrayed his parents, leading to their premature deaths. Yeah, I suppose that makes sense, though it was actually the 5th closest battle. It’s pretty sad that the Dursleys were ever allowed to win anything in this stupid tournament. It’ll be no doubt be rectified next round, as the HP/Dursleys second round match is the early odds-on favorite for most lopsided of the bunch.

Here’s the big Scabbers reveal:

5. Mad Eye Moody DEF. 12. Mundungus Fletcher: Fletcher was one of the most useless and crappy characters Rowling created, and the evidence helps back up that assertion, as Moody rolled to a massive victory, garnering 96.6% of the vote, the fourth biggest margin in the tourney thus far.

Here’s Mundungus’ interrogation:

4. Bellatrix Lestrange DEF. 13. Griphook: So far, Bellatrix Lestrange is the only villainous character to survive the first round. Are HP fans a bunch of Pansy Parkinson’s? Or are they saving their love for the right villains? Clearly, Helena Bonham Carter’s Bellatrix is one of them, setting up a fascinating match between her and Mad Eye Moody.

Goblins are people too (okay, so not true, but you get my point), so let’s say farewell to the kinda nice creature with a scene from Shell Cottage:

6. Hedwig DEF. 11. Fawkes: Here I was, thinking Hedwig was a sleeper for the Sweet 16, because he’s a badass owl (and Harry’s badass owl), but he barely took out Fawkes. Did I overestimate Hedwig, or underrate Fawkes? I lean toward the latter, as this was the second closest fight of the first round, probably because of how useful the bird was throughout the series, its association with Dumbledore, and because somebody manipulated the voters by putting the picture of Fawkes crying. How do you vote against a crying bird? Who knew birds can cry? Well, phoenixes (phoenices? phoenii?) can do practically anything, another reason why the mystical creature almost took out the world’s most infamous snowy owl.

Look no further than these scenes from CHAMBER OF SECRETS to learn why Fawkes is so popular:

14. Oliver Wood DEF. 3. Draco Malfoy: This was by far the most thrilling match of the first round (thus far, though I doubt it’ll be topped). Oliver Wood’s name will be mentioned in the same breath as many of the all-time great upsets and Cinderella teams in history (Butler, Wichita State, Gonzaga, Florida Gulf Coast) following this nail-biting victory. Oliver Wood taught Harry, and all of us, Quidditch, and did so in a sexy accent, and was the Coach Taylor of the Gryffindor team. And that proved the difference, even though Team Felton almost made the comeback, coming two votes shy of a tie after trailing by a hefty deficit. Turns out Malfoy’s “good looks” couldn’t tip the scale with all of his other nasty traits. I’ll give it to him though, he sure can say “Potter” with the best of ’em.

Good riddance.

7. Cedric Diggory DEF. 10. Barty Crouch Jr.: Team Edward beats Team Tennant, and fairly handily, receiving 70.1% of the vote. In so doing, the Hero of Hufflepuff has announced his presence as a contender for a big-time run.

To say goodbye, here’s one of two scenes we actually see Barty Crouch Jr.’s true form, and it’s a doozy:

2. Neville Longbottom DEF. 15. Crabbe & Goyle: Well, this one just wasn’t fair. My preseason pick to win it all didn’t disappoint in his opening round game, as Neville is the only contender to receive 100% of the vote. Not one person could muster a vote for the dipshit twins. Maybe if they were Harry and Ron AS Crabbe & Goyle, Polyjuice style, it would’ve been a different story. Neville has a tougher test ahead of him in Cedric Diggory, and perhaps such a soft first round matchup might give our boy a false sense of security.

Because they didn’t get a single vote, I’m assuming that means no one cares they’re gone, so they don’t get a video.

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“It’s Levi-OSA” Region

1. Hermione Granger DEF. 16. Dean Thomas: The Giraffe proved little trouble for Hermione. While Dean Thomas received a higher percentage of votes (4.7%) than fellow 16 seed Cornelius Fudge (barely, 3.6%), I think Hermione’s performance is more impressive than Harry’s, because Fudge was a gimme matchup. Dean Thomas actually has fans, because he’s attractive, and could’ve knocked up Ginny.

Here’s “Save Ginny Weasley From Dean Thomas” by Harry & The Potters:

Or there’s this creepy Harry Potter as Norman Bates video:

8. Gilderoy Lockhart DEF. 9. Rita Skeeter: The fans have chosen ineptitude over conniving manipulator, a pretty salient statement on society. It was the third closest battle waged in the opening two regions, however, with Gilderoy escaping with 57.5% of the vote.

For awhile, Rita Skeeter was one of the most annoying thorns in Harry’s side…but I kind of remember her fondly now. Time heals wounds, people.

12. Firenze DEF. 5. Dolores Umbridge: Every year, a #12 seed topples a #5 seed, and oftentimes there is more than one. Firenze proves that adage true even when there isn’t basketball involved. Firenze proved to be more than capable of springing the upset, and it wasn’t even close, as he outclassed the Pink Puke, getting 77% of the vote.

Dolores was one of the most effective villains in the series, but she could not overcome a character with such unfortunate history with the character. Maybe it’s not so surprising after all. She clearly deserved it.

There are an infinite number of ways why we hate Dolores Umbridge. Here’s one of them:

4. Professor McGonagall DEF. 13. Professor Trelawney: Poor dear ole Trelawney. Always getting the short end of the stick, as she fell in lopsided fashion to Minerva, in the third biggest deficit of the two opening regions. McGonagall proved she’s a force to be reckoned with, because Trelawney’s a funny, whimsical character played by a popular actress. But Maggie Smith is kind of the ultimate trump card, and will likely end Firenze’s Cinderella story (imagine a centaur in glass slippers) before it gathers more steam.

When Trelawney gets fired, even Minerva had Trelawney’s back:

6. Dobby DEF. 11. Kreacher: No doubt Dobby is punishing himself for kicking out a fellow House Elf, probably preheating the oven before he can stuff his ears in it, or whatever else inane things the self-flagellating elf does in his free time.

Poor Kreacher. Here’s Kreacher before Harry started to treat him better:

3. Remus Lupin DEF. 14. Fenrir Greyback: Probably the biggest no brainer of the first round, maybe even more than the Fudge/Potter “match.” One of the most sympathetic, haunted, damaged and heroic characters in all the books…against the evil prick who turned him into a werewolf. Greyback’s a fearsome foe and villain…but he got what was coming here. Some evil bastard votes for Fenrir, but that only happened once, as Lupin very nearly swept his opening opponent, setting up a fascinating Lupin/Dobby duel in the Round of 32.

10. Lily Potter DEF. 7. Horace Slughorn: For a character who exists more in what other people say about her, or what we see in brief flashbacks, it’s incredible the backing Lily Potter has. Of course, it helps that she seems like the perfect human, and saved Harry’s life, saved Snape’s life by caring for him, and essentially cared for everyone. She’s the idyllic Mother, and while she lacks layers like many of the other characters in this bracket, she also has untold upside, after taking out her former Potions teacher and Slug Club host, receiving 72.5% of the vote. Something tells me Slughorn wouldn’t have minded.

Horace Slughorn is an amusing lout, and thanks to his Felix Felicis potion and jaunt with Harry, is one of the comedic highlights of the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE. I wouldn’t say he deserved better, since he told Tom Riddle about Horcruxes, but I liked the guy. Here’s how we first met him:

2. Hagrid DEF. 15. Aragog: Hagrid’s likely bawling his eyes out and drinking himself into a stupor for defeating his old pal Aragog, as he got 91.2% of the vote, gliding into the second round against a far more daunting opponent: Lily Potter. Rooting against Lily Potter is like rooting against flowers and happiness and butterflies…but HAGRID, people.

Aragog’s a giant, scary spider…so there’s that. But…

“Farewell, Aragog, king of arachnids, whose long and faithful friendship those who knew you won’t forget! Though your body will decay, your spirit lingers on in the quiet, web-spun places of your forest home. May your many-eyed descendants ever flourish and your human friends find solace for the loss they have sustained.“

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To many, J.K. Rowling’s magical book series, and WB’s 8-film franchise was their everything. On July 21st, 2007, the final chapter, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS came out in the UK and the U.S. On July 15th, 2011, the film series unveiled its last hurrah, seemingly putting a poignant and final flourish & blotts on our childhoods. Many of us wish we had a time turner to relive it all again.

But luckily (even without felix felicis), Harry Potter never ends.

The boy who lived lives on in our hearts, and will forever. Every time you open one of the books, or throw on a film, you’re immediately Apparated back into the bewitching world Rowling created, rekindling the joys and optimism of youth. To commemorate Pottermore’s anniversary, and to have an excuse to revel in these wonderful characters again, we introduce you to this March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. Accio bracket! Click on the image below for a larger snapshot of the field.

Half the field have played in the opening round, and now we reach The Burrow and The Dark Arts (Or Defense Against Thereof) regions, as we seek to answer life’s greatest mysteries. Who is your favorite character from the world of HARRY POTTER? Who would you want to ask to the Yule Ball? Who do you think would make the best Minister of Magic, or headmaster of Hogwarts? Who would win in a duel? Interpret and divinate these match-ups in witch-ever way you’d like. This is hardly a Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test, but the agony of indecision may incur a reaction not unlike the side effects of Puking Pastilles. Now that Draco has fallen, can a Malfoy ever win? Will anyone besides Neville be perfect in the opening salvo? Who is your favorite Weasley? Who was Harry’s true love? Does Sirius Black have what it takes to take down the lovable Weasley family? Or will Buckbeak create the biggest upset in Harry Potter themed March Madness history? Do cat lovers even like Mrs. Norris, or do I not understand cat lovers? Who’s the best ghost of them all? For thoughts and analysis on the bracket, check out Lee Jordan’s Exclusive Bracketology.

Voting lasts until Thursday, April 17th, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

Round 2 (for all regions) starts Friday, April 18th at 8:00 AM PT. 

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Blessed with an abundance of time on my hands after PotterWatch (thankfully) no longer needed managing, I thought I might lend my commentary to this silly March Madness-style bracket (above). VOTE HERE.

Who’s a sleeper? Who will the glass slippers fit; who are the Cinderellas of the Yule Ball? WHO WILL WIN IT ALL? I’m breaking down the field, the regions, and predicting the potential upsets in this massive tournament. Refrain from using Love Potions on me, if you can.

“The Chosen One(s)” Region

Vote here.

1. Harry Potter vs. 16. Cornelius Fudge: I don’t even think Percy would vote against Harry in this one. PREDICTION: HP.

8. Peter Pettigrew vs. 9. The Dursleys: It’s a battle of pure suck. Is there a third option here? Pettigrew betrayed Harry’s parents, essentially dooming them to die, and then was undercover as Ron’s rats for years, and returned as a bumbling, sniveling henchman of You-Know-Who. The Dursleys also sucked, ruining Harry’s childhood, but at least didn’t do so magically. PREDICTION: THE DURSLEYS. Not that it matters. Harry will make either of them disappear like our Ten-Second Pimple Vanishers (now at the Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes) in the second round. I’d rather have a rash of pimples than the Dursleys for in-laws anyhow.

5. Mad Eye Moody vs. 12. Mundungus Fletcher: Moody’s creepy eye could take down MunDUNGus.

4. Bellatrix Lestrange vs. 13. Griphook: Bellatrix will have no trouble dispatching the slightly nice goblin, setting up one of the more intriguing Round of 32 matchups: Moody vs. Bellatrix, for a chance to fight (and lose to) Potter in the Sweet 16. Early on, it appears that HP fans are overwhelmingly on the side of good, but I think the love of Helena Bonham Carter knows no bounds, even though her character kills everything wonderful in this world. Unfortunately, a Bellatrix vs. Neville matchup seems far-fetched, given how (poorly) this region is constructed.

6. Hedwig vs. 11. Fawkes: I think Fawkes will put up more of a fight than one might expect, since he’s a bloody badass, loyal Phoenix with powerful tears. But Hedwig is a sleeper for the Sweet Sixteen, as the world’s third greatest owl will win a battle that ornithologists would cream their pants over.

3. Draco Malfoy vs. 14. Oliver Wood: I’ve never gotten the love that Tom Felton gets, or the weird sect of people who identify with Draco Malfoy and love his pissant character. He’s the worst. But, he is one of the biggest and most recognizable characters from our world, however, and the pale, dickhead look is popular, I s’pose…but Oliver Wood, the Keeper blessed with an Accent minted by the Gods, and the man that discovered and nourished Harry Potter’s love of Quidditch, makes me POP POP. I think Oliver Wood has the potential to be the biggest upset in the first round, and considering his popularity among the female crowd, he has the legs (those legs) and talent to be more than a one beater wonder.

7. Cedric Diggory vs. Barty Crouch Jr.: This battle may very well turn into a duel between actors, since Robert Pattinson and David Tennant might have fans crazier and more devout than ANYONE in the Potterverse. Of course, there’s innumerable backlash for Edward Cullen and TWILIGHT, while everybody loves DOCTOR WHO, and Tennant is the best Doctor ever. Unfortunately, Barty Crouch Jr. is a bit character in the series (or at least, we only see Tennant’s face as Crouch for like a scene or two), whereas Diggory is one of the more heroic characters in the entire series.

Diggory wins, though it might be close…setting up a wildly entertaining second round match up against…

…Neville Longbottom (#2). Crabbe and Goyle (#15) won’t know what hit them, and should be thankful they even made it into the field (I’m not sure how they made it to the right pitch without someone helping them).

This bracket certainly sets up pretty nicely for Harry on the front end, as the only problem he’ll face before landing gently into the Elite 8 is either Mad Eye Moody or Bellatrix Lestrange. I could see the latter posing more of a threat (and I expect Bellatrix to be the one Harry faces), but Harry should waltz into a battle with none other than Neville Longbottom for a chance at the Final Four, if Neville is able to weather the upstart sleepers on the bottom half of the bracket. Oliver Wood, Hedwig and Cedric Diggory all have rampant and undying followers, after all. BUT:

It’s Neville fucking Longbottom.

I will be shocked/inconsolable if Neville loses before facing off against Harry in the Elite 8, a battle that should be epic. But I think after 7 books and 8 movies hailing Harry as the Chosen One, the fans might rewrite the remake, here and now. I predict Neville getting out of this region (from a Sweet Sixteen field that includes Harry, Bellatrix and Hedwig).

BRACKET BUSTER? Of course, maybe Cedric Diggory will shock the world and take out Neville, and march on for a rematch of the real Triwizard Tournament against Harry in the Elite 8.

“The Burrow”

Voting starts tomorrow.

1. Ron Weasley vs. 16. Seamus Finnegan: Seamus is lovable, in a pompous git sort of way. But Won Won will win win.

8. Bill Weasley vs. 9. Fleur Delacour: Bill’s kind of the boring dud of the Weasley family (Charlie is the sexy mysterious Indiana Jones-type), though becoming scarred by Fenrir Greyback adds a nice level of sympathy to his character. Fleur’s gorgeous, but super annoying until the DEATHLY HALLOWS, where her maternal instincts prove a salve for Harry and company’s grueling undertaking. This is a coin flip, but when in doubt, go with a Weasley.

5. Ginny Weasley vs. 12. Cho Chang: They both have strong supporters, and also a lot of backlash among die hard fans, and I think this is one of the more intriguing match ups of the first round. People will see it as a battle for Harry’s heart, or who is the best fit (besides Madam Hooch) for Potter. I have a sneaking suspicion that the flat acting of Bonnie Wright might crush her chances, and let Cho Chang spring the upset. Plus, the alliterative name helps.

4. Molly Weasley vs. 13. Narcissa Malfoy: I actually thought Narcissa became an interesting character in the final books, as she truly is the foil for Molly, a loving mother on the wrong side of the battle. She loved Draco as much as Molly loved her children, and thankfully didn’t go to a Cersei Lannister place, instead giving up on Voldemort and the Death Eater movement, willing to give it all up to find her son. She also saved Harry’s life. That said, Molly Weasley will DESTROY HER, because like Dorothy Mantooth, Molly Weasley is a saint, and could even wipe the floor with Ron to get into the Elite 8. She won’t, but that’s how BAMF Molly Weasley is.

6. Arthur Weasley vs. 11. Lucius Malfoy: Lucius was one of the better villains of the early books and movies before becoming a train wreck. Arthur Weasley is the kind, bumbling, heart of gold father we all want to have, and should win in a blowout. Arthur taking on my boys in round 2 should prove very interesting indeed.

3. Fred & George Weasley vs. 14. Charlie Weasley: I’m biased, but there’s no way Fred and George don’t steamroll Charlie here.

7. Percy Weasley vs. 10. ME (Lee Jordan): Look no further than me as an upset pick in this first round, ladies and gentleman. WeatherbyPercy is the world’s biggest prat. He missed Bill’s wedding. He made Molly cry. As Ron said, Perce “wouldn’t recognise a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing Dobby’s tee-cosy.” He did rather triumphantly return to the fold, making amends with the Weasley clan in the middle of the Battle of Hogwarts, but I suspect the lingering resentment could help the bold, bodacious and sexy Lee Jordan to stroll into the second round. If you need any further convincing:

Mind blown.

2. Sirius Black vs. 15. Buckbeak: Buckbeak might be the best #15 seed in all Hogwarts, but the love of Sirius Black should be strong. Unfortunately, it’ll likely be enough to beat me in the second round, though if I managed to take out Sirius, I don’t know if there’d be an upset of greater Magnitude in the whole bracket.

Ron vs. Molly is a heartbreaking matchup in the Sweet 16, but I think Ron will win, if only because Molly couldn’t bear to lose to any of her sons, and because Rupert Grint.

Arthur vs. Fred and George is another match that doesn’t have a purely correct choice, but it’s Fred and George, and I suspect they even take down Sirius in the Sweet 16, preparing us for a Ron Weasley vs. Fred & George showdown for the Final Four. Right now, I think Ron will win…but I have to pick my best friends, the hilarious and lovable Fred & George, to take over this bracket.

BRACKET BUSTER? Aside from me, that is? I don’t see any but the top 3 seeds making it into the Elite 8 (with Molly, Ron, Sirius and Fred and George in the Sweet 16), though if someone else emerges, it’d likely be the leaders of the Weasley clan, Molly and Arthur Weasley. They created the greatest family in the world, after all.

“It’s Levi-Osa” Region

Vote here.

1. Hermione Granger vs. 16. Dean Thomas: Dean Thomas is hot (though he has a neck that’d make a Giraffe jealous), but it’s Hermione Granger, who might win the entire thing. Sorry Dean.

8. Gilderoy Lockhart vs. 9. Rita Skeeter: Two of the most successfully annoying characters of the novels, both played by British luminaries in Kenneth Branagh and Miranda Richardson. They’ll both be vanquished in short order by The Beautiful Bushy Haired One, but I think Lockhart will win, since Branagh is the bigger name.

5. Dolores Umbridge vs. 12. Firenze: Firenze should have an overwhelming amount of sympathy, since Umbridge is a vile, racist pig, but she’s also one of the best villains of the entire series. Firenze certainly plays a larger part in the books though, and nobody likes pink. I won’t be shocked by a Firenze upset, but I think an Umbridge/McGonagall fight might prove too enticing for voters.

4. Professor McGonagall vs. 13. Professor Trelawney: Against a weaker opponent, I think the idiosyncratic Sybill (played with gusto by Emma Thompson), could spring an upset. But Maggie Smith is an elemental force to be reckoned with.

6. Dobby vs. 11. Kreacher: Dobby is a love-hate character, especially early on in the books or movies, but you have to be a Grinch not to cry when he sacrifices himself for Harry and company in Deathly Hallows. It’s one of the most powerful, emotional scenes of the entire series, and Dobby is one of the most loyal friends Harry has. I also love Kreacher, and the journey his character takes, and like Trelawney, thought he got the short end of the stick with this opening round match up. Dobby is a contender for the entire region, folks.

3. Remus Lupin vs. 14. Fenrir Greyback: Loony Lupin should get his revenge here, in spades.

7. Horace Slughorn vs. 10. Lily Potter: Horace Slughorn is a big part of Half-Blood Prince, and a pretty great character, with a mix of comedy and his dark secrets and regret. Jim Broadbent rules, but Lily Potter embodies purity, love and everything Harry missed in his childhood. It’s an impossible draw for Slughorn, as Lily should spring the upset that won’t really feel like one when it’s said and done.

2. Hagrid vs. 15. Aragog: I feel like Hagrid was the original fan favorite…and then he lost his shine and luster as the books went on, mostly because he receded into the background, but for awhile, he was my favorite supporting character in the series. He’ll have his hands full against Lily in the second round however, if it comes to that.

Dobby vs. Lupin in the second round? Hermione vs. McGonagall for a shot at the Elite 8? Hagrid vs. Lily Potter, Harry’s two great protectors, in the Round of 32? This region has a bevy of enticing matchups potentially on the docket, and has the most potential for Cinderellas to run rampant over the competition.

BRACKET BUSTER? Lily Potter, as a 10 seed, could feasibly take out Horace Slughorn, and if she knocks out Hagrid, might have the momentum to topple Dobby or Lupin. But, I think it’s Dobby who has the biggest staying power, and could take out Kreacher, Lupin and Hagrid, before ultimately falling to the Region’s presumptive favorite, Hermione. I anticipate a Sweet 16 group of Hermione, McGonagall, Dobby and Hagrid, but I have the least confidence in my foresight in this region than any others. 

“Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof)” Region

Voting begins tomorrow.

1. Severus Snape vs. 16. James Potter: James seems like a dick, am I right? Snape wins.

8. Nearly Headless Nick vs. Moaning Myrtle: Moaning Myrtle may have given me more nightmares than anyone else in the series, which says a lot about me, I suppose. But John Cleese almost always wins, and I expect NH Nick to get the last laugh in this battle of phantoms. Neither has more than the one victory in them, however.

5. Nymphadora Tonks vs. 12. Garrick Ollivander: John Hurt rules, but Tonks and actress Natalia Tena has one of the biggest followings in the world of Potter. She’s badass, alternative, loves a werewolf, is funny, and has constantly changing hairstyles. Plus, we got to see her naked in GAME OF THRONES, which has to help.

4. Luna Lovegood vs. 13. Viktor Krum: Viktor Krum (above, yuck) gets some women warm in the loins, and he’s an interesting upset pick…normally. But Luna Lovegood is awesome, with or without nargles.

6. Kingsley Shacklebolt vs. 11. Rufus Scrimgeour: In this battle of more competent Ministers of Magic (both blessed with terrific names), the mysterious badass Shacklebolt should prevail, though Bill Nighy is the man.

3. Voldemort vs. 14. Nagini: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will crush his horcrux snake.

7. Filch & Mrs. Norris vs. 10. Aberforth Dumbledore: There’s a lot to Aberforth that was left beyond the page, and that intrigue could help him, especially if people want to see him take on his brother in the second round. But…I think everyone’s odd love and fascination with Filch (Alan Bradley’s role in GAME OF THRONES should also prove oddly helpful) and his awful cat wins out.

2. Albus Dumbledore vs. 15. Gellert Grindelwald: A lover’s quarrel to round out the first round. It’d be an epic battle and a lot closer in “reality,” but in this bracket, Albus will win easily.

Voldemort, Dumbledore and Snape are LOCKS for the Sweet Sixteen in this region, and a Voldemort/Dumbledore matchup should be huge (but end in an Albus triumph). It’s a toss up between Luna and Tonks for the other spot. Do we want whimsy or awesome? Whomever it is (I’ll say Luna) might be the only character that could feasibly take Snape down en route to the Final Four, but I doubt it. SNAPE should find himself standing over Dumbledore, this time for real, heading into a duel with Hermione Granger for the Championship game.

BRACKET BUSTER? I could see Shacklebolt taking out Voldemort if people are allergic to voting for the Dark Lord, and Luna or Tonks could potentially overcome Snape, but I just don’t see that happening. 

FINAL FOUR PREDICTIONS: Neville Longbottom, Fred & George Weasley, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape

Who makes it to the finals? No idea, but I’ll go out on a limb and say Neville Longbottom vs. Severus Snape, with NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM crowned the champion of the Harry Potter March Madness Triwizard Tournament.

If I’m wrong, blame Professor McGonagall.

To many, J.K. Rowling’s magical book series, and WB’s 8-film franchise was their everything. On July 21st, 2007, the final chapter, HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS came out in the UK and the U.S. On July 15th, 2011, the film series unveiled its last hurrah, seemingly putting a poignant and final flourish & blotts on our childhoods. Many of us wish we had a time turner to relive it all again.

But luckily (even without felix felicis), Harry Potter never ends.

The boy who lived lives on in our hearts, and will forever. Every time you open one of the books, or throw on a film, you’re immediately Apparated back into the bewitching world Rowling created, rekindling the joys and optimism of youth. To commemorate Pottermore’s anniversary, and to have an excuse to revel in these wonderful characters again, we introduce you to this March Madness-style HARRY POTTER themed bracket. Accio bracket! Click on the image below for a larger snapshot of the field.

Who is your favorite character from the world of HARRY POTTER? Who would you want to ask to the Yule Ball? Who do you think would make the best Minister of Magic, or headmaster of Hogwarts? Who would win in a duel? Interpret and divinate these match-ups in witch-ever way you’d like. This is hardly a Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test, but the agony of indecision may incur a reaction not unlike the side effects of Puking Pastilles. We’re kicking off the tournament with the opening round match-ups in two of the four regions. Is Harry Potter the Chosen One…or did Voldemort mark the wrong child? Do David Tennant or Robert Pattinson fans want to crash the party? Dobby might have to do more than maim or seriously injure if he has any hope to topple top seed Hermione Granger. Or should we just hand the Triwizard Cup to Maggie Smith right now? Only time will tell. For thoughts and analysis on the bracket, check out Lee Jordan’s Exclusive Bracketology.

Don’t fret: The Weasley dominated “Burrow” and “Dark Arts (And Defense Against Thereof)” regions will start Wednesday April 16th.

Voting lasts until Tuesday, April 15th, at 11:59 PM PT. Feel free to vote as often as you’d like, and tell your friends (muggle or otherwise) via owl or floo powder, unless you want to receive a howler when they find out you were sipping on Madam Rosmerta’s Butterbeers without them.

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