Most of us have heard of DUNE, if not read Frank Herbert’s philosophical masterpiece. Whether we’ve seen David Lynch’s nutty film, we’re at least aware that Sting and Patrick Stewart both starred in the disaster, and that spice (a hallucinogenic drug) plays an enormous role in the plot.

You might not know that 8 years before David Lynch’s DUNE came out, in the mid-1970’s, that an entirely different version was OH SO CLOSE to being made, from the Chilean psychedelic cult director Alejandro Jodorowsky, who practically created the midnight movie with EL TOPO and HOLY MOUNTAIN. This version was set to star Salvador Dali as the Emperor of the Galaxy. Orson Welles as the uber-fat, uber-villainous Baron Harkonnen. David Carradine as one of the leads. Mick Jagger had even signed on, and Pink Floyd was going to do the music for the world of Arrakis. The world and visuals came from H.R. Giger, Chris Foss and Dan O’Bannon. These “spiritual warriors,” as Jodorowsky calls them, would help shape the very future of science fiction with ALIEN. Despite never being made, Jodorowsky’s DUNE was everything.

Now, director Frank Pavich has crafted a masterful documentary (my gushing review can be found here), appropriately entitled JODOROWSKY’S DUNE, chronicling the wacky story of this almost-classic that never was, to enlighten the masses of one of the most fascinating “lost” films ever almost made. The movie comes out next Friday March 21st, to LA and New York before expanding across the country.

I recently had the chance to talk to Frank Pavich about his documentary and how Jodorowsky’s DUNE was a touchstone of science fiction, despite it never happening. In the following interview, we talk STAR WARS, BLADE RUNNER and play a game of what-if’s within the Hollywood landscape, discuss LSD, Hawaiian vacations, Mick Jagger, David Lynch, and everything in between.  Read on.

GREENE: How’s everything going with the film so far? What’s the next step with it?

PAVICH: So far, so good. We’re going to be in theatres March 21^st, so it’s really just trying to raise awareness of what’s coming out.

GREENE: It deserves a large audience, especially for the sci-fans out there, and if you can connect to that Comic-Con audience…

PAVICH: Exactly.

GREENE: Are you getting a limited release or a wide release?

PAVICH: It slowly grows. Starts limited, starts in New York and LA on the 21^st and then every week from there it spreads out through different cities. It basically goes as far as Honolulu, oddly enough. It really kind of hits the whole country.

GREENE: Well perfect. Hopefully there are a lot of DUNE fans in Hawaii.

PAVICH: I hope so, I hope so. That’d be good, right? I think I need to go to Hawaii to promote the film. Don’t you think that’d be necessary?

GREENE: I think so too, they need to comp you a trip there.

PAVICH: If you wouldn’t mind e-mailing or calling Sony and telling them that you think that, I’d really appreciate that. I could go for a nice tan. [Ed. Note: Sony hasn’t been answering my calls.]

GREENE: If I could come with, maybe I’ll do it.

PAVICH: I don’t see why not. If they’re going to buy one ticket, might as well buy a second one.

GREENE: The airlines might have a deal.

PAVICH: Yeah!

GREENE: How much did you know about Frank Herbert’s DUNE and Alejandro Jodorowsky’s DUNE film before picking this as your next project?

PAVICH: I came to the story from the Jodorowsky side. I came in as a big fan of his and knowing his films. So that was my introduction to this. When I first heard about this story, and I was like, “Oh, Alejandro Jodorowsky had a lost movie?” And not only that, but a lost movie that he basically completely realized; it wasn’t just a screenplay draft. He had a whole team working, and they were working for two years, and it was fully cast, and they had all these people attached. It was ready to go, every scene was drawn out on paper, the entire film from the first scene to the last scene. That’s what kind of first drew me to it, along with this amazing array of characters that he had involved. So really I don’t come from the DUNE side of things, I kind of approached it like he did, to a certain extent. I actually didn’t read the novel until I was on the plane, flying from New York to Paris to do our first interview with him. I feel like part of me didn’t want to jinx it. I wanted to follow his path. “I will make DUNE without having read it.” So I will make the DUNE documentary without having read it at that stage of the game. So my knowledge of DUNE all came as we were making the film, as we were doing our interviews. Which is kind of a great way to just immerse yourself into it.

GREENE: I think you did it right, I love it. That was one of my favorite parts in the film, when Jodorowsky wanted it to be his next project, yet he didn’t really know why, and hadn’t read the book.

PAVICH: Yeah, exactly. Something told him to make it that. That was it.

GREENE: So did you make it past the first 100 pages and beyond? It almost seemed like that was as far as Jodorowsky got.

PAVICH: Oh no, he’s read the whole thing. If you look at his screenplay, if you look at his book, it’s DUNE. There are certainly Jodorowsky flourishes in it, but it is almost an exact adaptation of the book. He’s just saying that it’s such a dense book, that in the first 100 pages, you don’t need any introductions to it, it’s complete. He considers it to be not just a pulpy, science fiction book, but he considers it to be great literature. He equates it to Proust and the classics. He knows it very well, for sure.

GREENE: Did you get a peek at Jodorowsky’s bible?

PAVICH: Of course. We shot it at his house and we animated directly from it. I know it quite well.

GREENE: I would’ve wanted to just take that thing. It’s like a rarified piece of treasure, it was awesome.

PAVICH: Oh yeah. There are only 2 left that are for sure in existence. He has one, and [Producer] Michel Seydoux has one. They think they made 20 when they came to the studios. Where those other 18 or so copies are is quite a mystery. It’d be great that when this movie comes out, people might come out of the woodwork. “I found this in my Uncle’s attic!” or “I found it in a box in the basement” or “It’s been on this shelf collecting dust for the past 40 years.” I figure those books must be somewhere. I’d be shocked if anyone would take a book of that size and throw it in the garbage. It’d be weird. Even if they don’t make the film, it’s like, “Wow, this is really cool to have.” If someone pitched it to me, I would keep it. It’s such an awesome thing to put on your shelf. It’s amazing.

GREENE: I think you have your sequel idea. The search for the missing bibles!

PAVICH: [laughs] The Hunt For The 18!

GREENE: I think I know the answer to this, but I’m going to ask anyways. Jodorowsky (above) is a goldmine of anecdotes and one-liners during the interviews. Is he any different off-camera or is he as wacky and wonderful as he seems?

PAVICH: Oh, it’s him. He’s completely genuine. He’s a performer, he’s a storyteller, but he’s not false. He gives you everything. There’s a video online [here], that I don’t know if you’ve seen, he entered his new film [LA DANZA DE REALIDAD] into a festival, in Montreal, and he could not make it to introduce the film, so he recorded a video that was played in the theatre before his film showed. It’s him completely nude sitting in a chair, talking to the camera, and explaining his film. He’s basically saying that in his new film, he exposed himself completely, spiritually, and mentally, for the audience. So now in his introduction, he’s completed it, and he is exposing himself physically, as well. He goes all out. No matter what he does, he goes all out. He’s incredible.

GREENE: I love that. It’s so admirable. It’s scary to Hollywood, unfortunately. Or it was. Though I think it still would be.

PAVICH: I think so. Although it’s weird. If you think about Hollywood…Hollywood was scared of Jodorowsky, because they were scared of losing money. That’s really all they care about. Is the money. They want a lot. They were scared to lose money. And he was ahead of his time. He came up with this idea of making this giant megabucks space opera before anybody, before STAR WARS and all that stuff. If you look at the timeline, here comes this really out there avant-garde director with this giant budgeted space opera and pitch it to the studios. They have no idea what to make of it. They have no idea. [As the studios] “The films you’ve made, EL TOPO and HOLY MOUNTAIN, don’t lend themselves to material like this,” and they don’t get the material, so they say no. Then a year or two later, STAR WARS is released, which is a film that 20^th Century FOX was not high on anyway. They thought it was dumb, they thought it wasn’t going to make any money. They were barely support of it. Little did they know, little did anyone know, what a huge blockbuster that would be, basically starting the blockbuster movement more or less. Then suddenly every studio wanted to make science fiction. There were sequels, they were bringing back STAR TREK onto the big screen, they were doing everything they could, anything in space, green lighting, “Go! Go! Go! Make money!” Then a couple years later, they decide to go back to the DUNE project, and who do they get but essentially a director very similar and very much in the vein of Jodorowsky himself. They didn’t get Spielberg to direct it, they didn’t get the Michael Bay of that time, whomever that might be, they got somebody very similar to Jodorowsky [one David Lynch]. In ’76, they thought it was stupid and “Oh, how could someone who made EL TOPO and HOLY MOUNTAIN make something like this?” But then in ’84, they get the guy who made ELEPHANT MAN and ERASERHEAD, to direct the biggest movie of its time. It cost $60 million. It was the biggest budgeted film yet. So suddenly they thought, oh we’re going to make money with this, they started preparing Paul Atreides action figures, and TOPPS trading cards, and coloring books, for children? This is not a kid’s movie. This is not a story for children, by any stretch. I don’t know who in the studio had read the script, had read the book, had been on set, had seen David Lynch’s films, but this is not aimed at kids. It’s a really weird thing that they tried to do. I don’t know who was not paying attention or what was going on over there. But it’s strange, because the studios came around and oh yes, we’ll do it now. It’s really bizarre. Really bizarre.

GREENE: The whole thing is bizarre. There’s even an element to it all that makes you angry. The movie is engrossing, entertaining, but it also drove me to fury. I kept flashing back to the scene in CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON, when the archaeologists find a fossilized Creature claw and handle it like it’s any other rock you might find on the beach. You just shiver. The whole thing makes you feel a little dirty.

PAVICH: That’s interesting. That’s really interesting. Yeah, wow.

GREENE: Because of Hollywood’s treatment of Jodorowsky’s project. You mentioned you hoped Hollywood execs wouldn’t have thrown the bibles in the trash, but they kind of threw away this beautiful project away. Was this rage or frustration part of why you took on the film or was it a conscience effort in making it?

PAVICH: Before we started working, I was just more fascinated by it. How did such a thing happen? How did it get so far along? And it’s just so incredible. But the anger or frustration or whatever it is quickly dissipates, because when you spend time with Jodorowsky, you start to see how he feels about it. He feels that it worked out wonderfully. He has no regrets. He says he doesn’t feel that it’s a failure. He says it’s a great success. He did his version of DUNE, and here it is in the book and everything is completely realized, ready to go, and it’s wonderful. He wanted to change the world with his film as he said, he wanted to change history, and he basically did. His spiritual warriors went out into the world and took those ideas with them, and other ideas of his just somehow ended up in other films. He feels vindicated. He sees exactly what happened. Yes, I was right. My spiritual warriors, my team, were the best people. Their careers were made better. [As Jodorowsky] “My career went wonderfully, and I used my ideas, and put them in books, and put them in other films.” He has zero animosity toward any of it. Once you spend time with him, and you get that sense, you kind of agree with him. Why does it have to be negative? You don’t have spend your years crouched over, you can open yourself up to everything. As he said, “Yes we did not make DUNE. Yes, we did not make DUNE.” It’s beautiful. He has a beautiful outlook on everything.

GREENE: It’s inspirational. What others would qualify as a failure he doesn’t, and his spiritual warriors, like H.R. Giger, Chris Foss, Dan O’Bannon, they blew up.

PAVICH: Yeah, those people had never done movies before. That’s what so interesting. He wasn’t picking people based on movies; he was picking people based on their pure art. Giger had never done movies. Chris Foss had never done movies. Moebius had never done movies. They all went off to go make movies, and work in films, but he saw something special and unique in them. And he sought them out. They weren’t looking to get into the movie business, but he just saw their art, and was like “Oh, I want to work with this person.” They have incredible vision and we get to be together in this endeavor.

GREENE: It’s rare, because most directors that are making passion projects, they’re almost the opposite of Jodorowsky. They want what they want, and that’s that. Whereas Jodorowsky wants them to just play, go with what it is in their hearts and it’ll all work out, essentially.

PAVICH: He’s not trying to crush anybody, he’s trying to inspire them. To do great art. Chris Foss says that his only regret working on DUNE was that he didn’t realize what he had. He didn’t realize that working on a movie could be that free and that beautiful and that wonderful. Because the movies he did afterwards, he said were not like that. Working on ALIEN was very difficult. Working with Steven Spielberg on AI he found very difficult. He didn’t have that freedom that Jodorowsky provided.

GREENE: I know that it’s not really the point, and that you and he think he succeeded in his goal, and you’ve convinced me. But Jodorowsky actually says at the end of the film that he hopes someone takes his vision and makes his DUNE. I practically wanted to start a Kickstarter before I left the movie theatre.

PAVICH: [laughs]

GREENE: Do you think his vision of DUNE will ever come to life?

PAVICH: I don’t know if anybody will be able to make an animated version. I don’t know if a book of art would ever be able to be published. Who knows, that also comes down to the Frank Herbert estate, I would assume, because the underlying story is very obviously Frank Herbert’s. So, you’d have to get their permission and option it again, if they even wanted something like that. Time will tell, I guess we’ll see what happens with this documentary. If enough people get inspired, that could change the course of events.

GREENE: Speaking of changing the course of events, playing the “what-if” game is always fun with these projects. If Jodorowsky’s Dune had been made exactly how he wanted it, what do you think the impact of the film would’ve been? Would it have been STAR WARS before STAR WARS?

PAVICH: It’s interesting. If you look at the concept of a multiverse, there’s all the different parallel timelines you can look at. We know what happens when Jodorowsky got as far as he got and the film is not complete, and not made into an actual feature film. We know how this universe looks, and this timeline looks. But let’s say that he had successfully completed the film, and it was a success. Let’s say it’s the biggest success in the world and everybody was lining up around the block to see it and it was incredible. I wonder where movies would be now, because that would tell the executives, the financiers, the studios, that these kinds of bizarre, avant-garde Jodorowsky-ian, David Lynch-ian films are worthwhile. And maybe we would see more pure artistic visions, as opposed to moneymaking schemes, reboots, franchises, the kinds of stuff we get now. Maybe we would see more independent voices being allowed to really speak their minds. On the flip side, let’s say Jodorowsky’s vision of DUNE had been completed, and it was a disaster. Let’s say it was the biggest flop in the history of mankind. Only seven tickets were sold and it collapsed an entire studio. And it was the worst thing ever, nobody believed in it. Then where would we be? Because already at that point, George Lucas was working on STAR WARS, and he was at 20^th Century Fox, and 20^th Century Fox did not believe in STAR WARS. They thought it was a silly idea, “Who would want to see a space movie? This is ridiculous.” And of course we know what happened, STAR WARS came out and it was this mega-blockbuster and perhaps started this whole science fiction renaissance almost. Everybody was making science fiction movies. How many billions of dollars have the STAR WARS movies made? But if Jodorowsky’s DUNE had been a flop and seeing as FOX hadn’t believed in STAR WARS, they probably would’ve used that as their first excuse to pull the plug on STAR WARS. There wouldn’t be STAR WARS, there wouldn’t be the film landscape that we’re in now, for better or for worse. If that was the case, what would the big tentpole movies be every summer? They wouldn’t be STAR WARS type movies, probably wouldn’t be the AVENGERS or superhero films, it might be something completely different. Maybe it’d be Merchant Ivory films. Maybe everybody would be lining up to see period romances. Who knows? We’d be living in a different landscape, so it’s really interesting to imagine those.

GREENE: Oh yeah. You could just go for hours debating the possibilities or charting it like it’s TRUE DETECTIVE or something.

PAVICH: Yeah, exactly. And looking at the movies that DUNE is directly responsible for, obviously it brought the people together who made ALIEN. Which, in itself, transforms film history. If you look at the ALIEN sequels, that’s where James Cameron got his start. That’s where David Fincher got his start. All these voices got their starts in those films. If you look at Ridley Scott’s BLADE RUNNER, that changed science fiction history in another way. BLADE RUNNER never would’ve happened without Jodorowsky’s DUNE. Because Dan O’Bannon and Moebius met on DUNE and together they wrote a comic book called THE LONG TOMORROW. THE LONG TOMORROW is exactly the world of BLADE RUNNER. If you look at the designs in the book, it’s exactly what Sydney [Syd Mead, “visual futurist”] and Ridley Scott put up on the screens for BLADE RUNNER. There are so many things where the lines of history go back to this project. It’s astounding.

GREENE: Clearly, Jodorowsky was this seed of sci-fi, and it was going to spring forth, whether he made the movie or not.

PAVICH: Right.

GREENE: It’s great that this documentary exists because of that. I was with you, I hadn’t read Frank Herbert’s DUNE when I walked into the documentary. While I was well aware of DUNE, and had seen Lynch’s version, I had no idea about this lost film, and I think many people are in the same boat. That’s what makes this film and all its “what-if” scenarios and bringing to light all of its influences, so necessary. Especially for sci-fi fans.

PAVICH: I think so.

GREENE: Alright, now I have two very serious questions for you.

PAVICH: Excellent. Bring it on.

GREENE: Did you do LSD with Alejandro Jodorowsky?

PAVICH: You know, he lives a completely dry life. He doesn’t drink alcohol, he doesn’t do anything like that. He claims that he’s only done LSD one time in his life, that he paid $17,000 to a shaman in New York City to dye him on his trip. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but that’s what he claims. Actually I saw him last night, he’s in New York, and we spent a little time together. We sat in his hotel room and drank pineapple juice. That’s how he lives so long. If he was a drug-fueled madman, I don’t think he’d be with us today. He lives a very clean, very pure life. It’s very interesting.

GREENE: It’s not what you’d expect. But it’s another one of those things to admire about him. He can be so bizarre without having to rely on drugs.

PAVICH: Exactly. He is what he is. He has these spiritual visions with his projects, and that somehow just comes naturally to him. It’s amazing. But good question, I haven’t been asked that one before. Fantastic.

GREENE: Speaking of drug-fueled madmen, did you approach Mick Jagger to talk about the film?

PAVICH: You know, we didn’t, because he was such a minor player in this whole story, that it would’ve felt too much like stunt casting. If Mick Jagger was going to play the lead role in the film, that would’ve been different. If David Carradine was still alive, then we definitely would’ve approached him, or had him involved, or Orson Welles, or Salvador Dali. But I think Mick Jagger was such a minor thing, that it just would’ve felt false. I never appreciate documentaries that had that kind of stunt casting. “What is this famous person doing here that really has no connection to anything?” I went for a limited number of voices, which let’s you get to know each one of them on a deeper level.

GREENE: I totally agree, I was just curious.

PAVICH: Of course.

GREENE: We’ve kind of touched on it previously, but seeing Moebius, Chris Foss and H.R. Giger’s artwork come to life on film were some of my favorite parts. It’s just so beautiful. I got the sense that you could fill another 90 minutes of all the concept art produced by these guys.

PAVICH: If we had filmed Jodorowsky’s entire bible, the movie would’ve gone for over 20 hours like Jodorowsky wanted!

GREENE & PAVICH: [laughs]

GREENE: I think that covers most of it. I’ll make us both sound more intelligent, mostly me.

PAVICH: Excellent. [laughter]

During the fateful first get together of the Writer’s Meeting in Burbank (a group now forever known as “Hear Me Out, Bro!”), one of my friends brought up the film A FIELD IN ENGLAND.

I had heard of the movie, as it played at the Beyond Fest, which means one thing: it’s weird as shit. Aforementioned Writer Friend confirmed this, when he said he went to a screening and was offered shrooms by someone else in attendance. He declined the offer, never having taken shrooms and wisely resistant to experimenting for the first time in a public venue.

For a couple days I just thought this was an amusing anecdote. Then, on this particular Thursday night (Feb. 13th), faced with the possibility that I may never get the chance to see A FIELD IN ENGLAND in its proper venue, it was the only thing I could do without tearing off my apartment’s wallpaper. My apartment doesn’t have wallpaper; that’s how dire a situation it was, exacerbated by this trailer:

A FIELD IN ENGLAND was ending its run at Cinefamily‘s not-so Silent Movie Theater, an awesome local theater recently renovated and under new ownership (with JGL, Phil Lord and Michael Cera on the advisory board), playing both the classics (like Chaplin-era classics) and new, trippy films like Ben Wheatley’s newest. Not only would I miss out on the chance to see this bizarre movie about a few 17th century British civil war deserters in theaters, I’d be missing a chance to see it at the Silent Movie Theater, on one of their comfy couches that take up the first few rows, AND, I’d miss the possibility of seeing a psychedelic movie on psychedelic drugs. So, I made sure that didn’t happen.

I’ve done shrooms once, and it was alternately one of the best and worst moments of my life, but it also revolved around an (admittedly obvious) movie: PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. For a couple hours, I was one of James Franco and Seth Rogen’s pals, along for the ride, kicking out the windshields and giggling with them.

Then, I was forced to endure the movie a SECOND TIME (I couldn’t move from the couch; the only thing I managed to do was rub the hardwood floors lovingly with my feet), and that led to vomit, massive embarrassment and darker thoughts than I’ve probably ever had. I wanted to go to the hospital, or bang my head against the toilet to blissfully pass out for a little while. I was prepared to live the rest of my life in a psych ward in a straitjacket, with my parents looking down at me in disappointment. Miraculously, friends and WALL-E managed to drag me out of the darkness and into the light of the stars.

Having had this experience, I felt like I was ready for A FIELD IN ENGLAND, and thought the movie would be better for it.

I hopped on the bus, and arrived way too early. I purchased my tickets and walked around Fairfax, determined to squeeze out even more fun into this evening. After a Yelp search and a few circles around the block that likely made another moviegoer believe I was chasing him, I ended up at…

The Dime. The place is exactly the dive one wants at about 1:38 AM. At 8 PM on a Thursday, there was about 4 people in the bar, and the tiny space felt darn right huge and comfortable, a feeling never shared after 10 PM. From my painful conversation with the hot bartender, I learned that the Dime had DJ’s every night (every night). I also learned that a dive bar in LA means $9 well vodka drinks. The Dime is not the right name, though it does have one of those old-school cash registers:

The vodka soda at least was strong, and it readied me for the mindfucks to come.

Unfortunately, no one offered me shrooms. I don’t know if I didn’t qualify, if Shroom Dude wasn’t in attendance, or if my writer friend just happened upon a miracle (and wasted it). Until I arrived there, it seemed to me like it was a veritable certainty, as if my ticket entailed I receive a handful of smelly, awful tasting psychotropic drugs.

Alas, it was not meant to be (or perhaps thankfully, judging from my only other experience), and I think the movie was worse for it. I had no idea what was going on, and while I know that was the point, I feel like I just wasn’t on the same plane of existence with the characters, the filmmakers or the writers (Amy Jump and Ben Wheatley). This movie demands another frame of mind and a lack of sobriety, and I celebrate it for that. It’s essentially MONTY PYTHON meets David Lynch and Ingmar Bergman.

Even so, it managed to be hilarious at times, and if you desire random penises and other disturbing images of violence, sex and god knows what, wrapped around by an absorbingly eerie score, A FIELD is for you. There’s even a scene where one of the soldiers is literally choking on mushrooms, and I can’t imagine this movie puts you in good, magical happy trip land based on its fucked up content.

While I was disappointed by the movie and the experience as a whole, I’m glad I went for it. I could’ve stayed home and caught up on AMERICAN HORROR STORY, but instead, I tried to live out my own episode. These are the kinds of things I’m in LA for; these are the kinds of things we live for. I’d rather go and experience the weird, than for a moment regret I didn’t.

I also ended up getting a business card out of it for an event planner who once raised money for charity by traveling across the world wearing only a Tuxedo. Yes, the guy rules.

To figure out how to see A FIELD IN ENGLAND, check its website. Its apparently on demand, available on DVD and Blu-Ray, and during the summer of its release, you could’ve seen A FIELD IN ENGLAND…in a field in England. That would’ve been everything.

Full Disclosure: I’m writing this while listening to the “Once More With Feeling” soundtrack from BUFFY. But, of course.

Sometimes things so bizarre, weird, or perfect, just fall in your lap. That was exactly what I felt like when a Facebook friend (so you know we’re close) of mine posted a status update that related the following news to me:

Lusty Kitten Productions (naturally) was putting on an Joss Whedon-themed burlesque show in Los Angeles, THAT night (Friday Feb. 7th), entitled Across the Whedonverse.

Um, what.the.fuck?!

It was two hours until show time, I had no ride, and would be bailing on my roommate’s burgers and movie night…but I didn’t really have a choice.

What was to come reminds me of what Whistler said in “Becoming, Part One,”:

Bottom line is, even if you see ’em coming, you’re not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can’t help that. It’s what you do afterwards that counts. That’s when you find out who you are.

This night was one of those “big moments.” I’ve never been to a burlesque show. Not for lack of…trying? No, that’s not the right way to put it (though I do want to go to David Lynch’s writing spot). Not for lack of desire? …I guess. The idea of women getting naked and dancing holds much appeal. Obviously. The idea of these women getting naked with a FIREFLY or BUFFY back drop? That gives me every kind of boner possible, while also confirming how great the universe is.

Of course, I was imagining semi-beautiful look-alikes with decent production value and mildly clever jokes.

I got none of those things. Well the jokes were mildly clever, if you consider ketchup mild.

But, even so, it was so worth it. It was the kind of awful you want to experience. The kind of awful you can tell your friends about, and the kind of awful that reveals beauty and brilliance and what life is all about.

Joss Whedon is the greatest. There’s no disputing it, and his fans, acolytes and believers are also the greatest by extension. Joss Whedon is everyone, a patron saint for the average guy and girl, the nerd, the recluse, the nerd recluse who gets the courage to wave his nerd recluse flag amongst other like-minded nerd recluses at Comic-Con and Slayage Conferences, or as it so happens the Fais Do Do club on Adams Boulevard.

It also allows these same people to get close-to-naked on stage for others Whedonites amusement and pleasure.

The night began, after a long wait in line, bursting with men and women donning their Jayne hat (above), with another interminably long, single file line to an uninspired bar (HELP US GET DRUNKER), and a magician who gives low-energy magicians a bad name. It wasn’t even a diverting experience; it just made the crowd that much more restless and impatient for boobs. At one point he was “floating” paper flowers or something, and the string he was using was as clear as day. It was painful, and certainly didn’t get one pumped up for what was to come.

And then, before the show had even started…it was time for an intermission. Fuck off, really?

At this point I was painfully sober (two weak $8 Dark and Stormy’s didn’t cut it) and impatient for this trip to work out. I had met my aforementioned friend, and two of his friends, including a guy who managed to tell me he had slept with 70 different women in his opening introductions and was now dating this cute girl from Seattle who was on his arm. Yeah, I wasn’t going to like “Rob” ever.

And then it was time for nerds gettin’ naked time! Things kicked off with a girl Dr. Horrible (dancer Tas DeVille), then a “shy” Willow blossoming before us (Rynie Das Wreckless), and an Anya (Spy Kitten) not only removing bunny stuffed animals from her robe, but also articles of clothing. Plus, her pasties accidentally fell off. Now I know what it must’ve been like for those at Super Bowl XXXVIII.

After Anya, it was time for an oddly dominatrix-y Echo (Estella Detroit), and then, Buffy, performed by Holly Rock-It! Later that night, feeling like I needed to do, I managed a very awkward “conversation” with Ms. Rock-It!, that consisted of me complimenting her on her dance and Holly thanking me politely to leave her alone.

How do you follow Buffy? You don’t…you just get another intermission. Thanks.

The most uncomfortable I might have ever been was when Mae Lust, one of the organizers of the event, a red-headed Wonder Woman, came to the stage and began reading…Fred and Harmony erotic fan fiction. As a friend told me, “That’s the dream.” It was the worst, but such a brilliant idea. I would’ve had two dancers as Fred and Harmony act out the events in the background, but that’s just me.

My favorite performer might’ve been the Rave inspired Black Widow (Lyra La Belle). Next up was some not obvious blonde character, brought to life by Cici Stiletto.

The cherry on top of weirdness was the awkward, short, quiet Mercury Troy putting a spin on Drusilla I’ll be trying to forget for years. But this show wasn’t over yet. The three most eclectic acts had yet to happen.

Enter Princess Kida Kidagakash (above), the hottie from ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE, a 2001 animated feature that Joss Whedon wrote a treatment for. Yup. We’re digging deep, even with Inara, Kaylee, Zoe, River, Sierra or any of the characters from AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D left to play. And no female Spike?! It was the kind of off-the-wall choice to be expected from the show, and also brought with it one of the more elaborate costumes of the night (one of the few good ones), filled out by June Au’Purr Darling.

Thrown in for good measure was also live music, supplied by Gemeni, a band formed by Lisa and Gina Gomez. Nerd rock is a thing, and they’re a fine example:

Then it got hot.

Who would’ve thought a near naked female Reaver with a man’s face covering her naughty bits would be so hot? Apparently Lusty Kitten, and Donatella MeLies made it happen.

Throughout the festivities, VV Trippple acted as the undead “pick-up artist,” meaning she was a zombie who picked up the clothes of the other performers. I could’ve done without it.

CABIN IN THE WOODS fans didn’t get a Merman. Instead, they got a Unicorn (Dia Blow…I think).

The finale was supplied by Sgt. Die Wies, a massive black woman (?), who brought more attitude, flair and gravitas to the character of Iron Man than even perhaps Robert Downey Jr. himself. Her performance was easily the most ridiculous, crazy thing I saw all night, as she bounced around stage, with lit-up arc reactor pasties and all. Her dance, and ACROSS THE WHEDONVERSE itself, was summed up perfectly by Captain Hammer’s closing line: “Fuck the arc reactor, we can power the Stark Tower with that ass.”

It took me far too long to really get and appreciate this night, but Sgt. Die Wies drilled the message home. The Whedonverse is about acceptance, and being yourself, and standing up for yourself, and doing what makes you happy, and that’s what these girls were doing all night, while showing off cleavage for charity. Jesus would be proud. Some dancers were better than others, but each were emblematic of the Whedonverse in every fashion, and every number was accompanied with truly bizarre and great music.

The evening was tied together by Mr. Snapper, or the aforementioned Captain Hammer stand-in, who was oftentimes unbearably cheesy, and other times, the only thing that didn’t make me want to impale myself on the Unicorn’s horn. It helps that we all came together to sing the Firefly theme song. Afterwards, he tried to rally us to sing Jayne’s Song…which should’ve been a roaring number, but instead ended up being just one dedicated and drunk Jayne fan singing along…and it was glorious.

Proving that he truly has nothing better to dois a tremendous sport, BUFFY and FIREFLY artist Georges Jeanty was there to sign autographs and cringe at the festivities with the rest of us.

While it didn’t prove to be a night of extreme socializing held together with expert storytelling, there was enough in-jokes, Whedon quotes and a stellar video clip featuring moments from all of our favorite series to make it worthwhile. The memorable experience will leave me as a leaf on the wind, at least until Accio Burlesque! returns…

A blurry photo of the cast