But they all pale in comparison to whatever the hell is going on with History Channel’s forthcoming mini series, Texas Rising, an eight part event chronicling the creation of the Texas Rangers. The promise of a smaller commitment and a closed arc has brought the very best actors to TV, and Texas Rising‘s IMDb page is the crowning achievement of the medium.

What follows is a Power Rankings of the most dynamic, mind-bending, weird casts ever assembled.

18. Sarah Jones

Remember Alcatraz, the much-maligned LOST-y genre show from Bad Robot? That makes two of us! Jones was the plain jane lead, and now has the honor of being Pauline Wykoff, one of like two women in the unsurprising testosterone heavy Texas Rising. She’s so normal compared to her cast mates, that her presence sticks out even more.

Oddly enough (of course odd loses all meaning when you look at this cast), Texas Rising presents the world’s lamest TV show reunion, as Sarah reunites with Joe Egender, who was Ernest Cobb, one of the recurring inmates of Alcatraz. I was probably the first person to ever realize this, and yes, I feel rightfully ashamed.

17. Max Thieriot

Thieriot is most notable for his confusingly spelled last name, and his role as Norman’s older brother Dylan in the incestuous quagmire that is Bates Motel. He also got to be Jennifer Lawrence’s love interest in House at the End of the Street, the horror movie that thankfully most people never associate with J-Law. Best of all, Max played one of the kids in Vin Diesel’s The Pacifier, a movie that people will forever associate with Vin Diesel and it doesn’t matter because at some point after The Chronicles of Riddick, the world began to recognize Fast and the Furious as the greatest franchise of all-time. There’s at least 16 academic theses to be written about Vin Diesel’s fascinating career and the rise, fall and conquest of Fast and Furious. Max Thieriot would blessedly never be mentioned in any of them.

16. Rob Morrow

Rob Morrow might be one of the most boring actors on the planet, a necessary antidote to the crazy he’s acting opposite in Texas Rising. His weird quotient solely comes from being friends with Fisher Stevens and dropping out of The Island of Dr. Moreau, one of the greatest bombs in film history.

Back when TV and movie acting was more heavily delineated, Rob Morrow was probably the poster child for whatever “TV actor” means, thanks to Northern Exposure and Numb3rs, book-ends that made Morrow a near constant TV presence from 1990 to 2010 (there’s like a 10 year movie break in the middle, but that makes the statement less impressive).

Fun fact: He hosted Saturday Night Live in 1992 with Nirvana as the musical guest.

15. Rhys Coiro

Sure, he’s been on Lilyhammer (the most anonymous Netflix show on the planet), A Gifted Man and Hostages, three shows that have never come up in any conversation ever. But he’s also been Billy Walsh, one of the all-time great bad guest stars on a show that functions as a guest star factory: Entourage. Billy Walsh is the worst: he’s a dickhead drug addict director, which is pretty much every one on that show.

14. Cynthia Addai-Robinson

She’s the incomprehensibly evil Amanda Waller on Arrow and was Crixus’ badass love Naevia for the last two seasons of Spartacus. She also was “San Francisco Woman” in Star Trek Into Darkness. Between those three, she can run the convention circuit for the next two decades and most importantly (in the scope of this piece), these roles have led to her career-making role as “The Yellow Rose of Texas,” Emily West.

13. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

This guy’s had a fascinating career, and it’s all come to his crowning achievement: his role as famous frontiersman ‘Deaf’ Smith. Before becoming a maybe household name, JDM was apparently on JAG for seven years, which I think is a better punchline than anything I could write. He was also the inciting incident for the entire Weeds show: he was the Dad who died and left Nancy Botwin to sell dope. His name was Judah, because Jewish.

For a couple years, Jeffrey Dean Morgan had a high-profile, fan-favorite role on two of the buzziest TV shows at the same time: Supernatural and Grey’s Anatomy. It’s almost as if Morgan’s presence on a show adds an infinite number of seasons to its preordained allotment, long after he’s left set. While those shows roll on, interminably and forever, lasting well beyond the natural resources we’ll need to stay alive on this world, Morgan parlayed his popularity (?) into a brief stint as a (comic book) movie star, with roles in Watchmen and The Losers. Because of his nerd cache (read: his willingness to be in comic book movies), most of his work now comes in fancasts and miniseries’ (and STARZ; I guess Magic City was a thing for a couple seasons). He’s going to be Joe DiMaggio in Lifetime’s upcoming The Secret Life of Marilyn Monroe, which will definitely be on my DVR (read: I don’t have a DVR).

12. Robert Knepper

Look at them boots.

Knepper had apparently been working steadily since 1986 before Prison Break (he was on Murder, She Wrote for three seasons!), but I guarantee you didn’t know that until you saw him as breakout character T-Bag in the show that was every douchebag’s favorite show (admittedly, it had a pretty great first season).

Since then, he’s been creepy everywhere, be it Heroes, Stargate Universe, the Clock King in Arrow and even in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay.

11. Jeff Fahey

I had the impression that before LOST rejuvenated his career, Jeff Fahey was skating by as an occasional guest star known solely for The Lawnmower Man. The guy has 139 credits, and most of those happened before Frank Lapidus entered our lives and made them infinitely better. Since then, however, Fahey’s had more high profile work in Under the Dome, Justified and this hilarious looking Hatfield and McCoys movie starring Christian Slater (who would rank #7 on this list, to give you a reference for how crazy we’re about to get).

For his role on Texas Rising, Fahey had to shave his beard to play political and military leader Thomas Rusk, the first Secretary of War of Texas. I strongly suspect most of his powers come from his beard, so this might be a risky career choice.

10. Chad Michael Murray

On Gilmore Girls, Dawson’s Creek and One Tree Hill, Chad Michael Murray invented and perfected his own brand of cocky dickface, which is the rough translation of “Chad Michael Murray.”

He somehow actually had more than one layer on Agent Carter (and we’ll get to see more of the cowardly cocky dickface in season 2), but he’ll forever be the guy who had sex with Joey and Jen on the Creek, a claim that can only be staked by one other man (and it’s his fucking creek, yo!). CMM’s the fucking worst. And because he’s so good at being the worst (and reportedly/some girl told me once he’s just like that in real life), he gets a spot in the top ten.

At some point, when I’ve dug myself into a deep dark crevice that I can’t get out of, I’ll create a Chad Michael Murray podcast.

9. Jake Busey

Jake Busey is not only the son of Gary Busey (who has since lost his right to have children) but had the pivotal jerk-rival soldier role in Starship Troopers, a movie that one could argue is the best of all-time.

8. Jeremy Davies

The LOST (and Justified) train continues with the man behind two of TV’s finest creations: rocket scientist Daniel Farady and redneck runt of the family Dickie Bennett. That would be the incomparable Jeremy Davies, who’s been squirrely-quirky since before Saving Private Ryan and Twister.

7. Christopher McDonald

SHOOTER MCGAVIN IS IN THIS SHOW. And he apparently gets an arrow through the shoulder as famous Texan soldier Henry Karnes. I could spend 10,000 words writing about this guy’s IMDb page, but suffice to say he’s voiced Harvey Dent, Jor-El and been on Kim Possible.

Shooter McGavin would react like this if he learned he only placed #7 on this list:

6. Ray Liotta

Yup, that old man with a crazy beard is Ray Liotta. There’s not much else to say beyond that. He kind of looks like he’s auditioning for The Ten Commandments.

5. Thomas Jane

The only time I saw Thomas Jane in person, he had a braided beard, was wearing those weird toed shoes, and was shepherding his kid to a movie he can’t have wanted to see at the Egyptian Theatre. I believe that everyone on Earth has seen this exact same thing, maybe all at the same time, because Thomas Jane is a mystical Native American spirit.

He’s The Punisher. When HBO needed a star with a big dick for Hung, they went to Tom Jane. He’s been Mickey Mantle. Now he’s James Wykoff (wife of Sarah Jones’ character from earlier).

4. Brendan Fraser

In 1999, Brendan Fraser might as well have been Indiana Jones after The Mummy. It was a star-making turn not unlike Chris Pratt in Guardians of the Galaxy. Then he had a string of bombs that the Gods of Hollywood will sing about long after we’re all dead: Dudley Do-Right, Bedazzled, Monkeybone and Looney Tunes: Back in Action. Jesus. He was also replaced by The Rock in the sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth. We all wish we were replaced by The Rock in something, but Brendan Fraser can actually boast this claim.

Now he’s playing Billy Anderson, a Texas Ranger with Comanche Indian ties. He doesn’t look happy about it:

I hope he turns out to be Star-Lord’s Dad in Guardians 2, or at least, gets another spot on a TV comedy, because he was wonderful in Scrubs. [Insert clever McConaissance-like phrase for Brendan Fraser here]

3. Crispin Glover

Crispin Glover is one of the weirdest humans on the planet, and I just learned that his middle name is Hellion. I love Crispin Glover.

His George McFly is one of the finest cinematic pleasures there is, but until the last couple of years I had no idea he didn’t even play him in Part II or Part III (that was Jeffrey Weissman) because he’s…difficult.

He terrified me in Willard. He was the villain in Charlie’s Angels 2, which says about as much as you need to know about Charlie’s Angels 2. He was in Hot Tub Time Machine, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? and Like Mike. Glover was the Knave of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland; Grendel in Beowulf. In other words, Crispin Glover is everything.

Now he’s Moseley Baker, the Speaker of the House of the Alabama House of Representatives, who (SPOILERS) led impeachment proceedings against President Sam Houston while serving in the Congress of the Republic of Texas. Acting is so weird.

2. Kris Kristofferson

Yes, Kris Kristofferson IS not only alive but playing Andrew fucking Jackson. He’s also contributing to the soundtrack, because he’s Kris Kristofferson.

WHISTLER! Is there a more underrated franchise than Wesley Snipes’ Blade? If the MCU doesn’t have Wesley Snipes lurking in the shadows of the MCU’s Hell’s Kitchen during its Netflix crossover megaseries, it’ll be a damn shame.

AND NOW….

1. Bill Paxton

Any clairvoyant would’ve known there’s no other possibility for #1 than the man who-will-be Sam Houston.

Has there been an actor who’s had a more fun career than Bill Paxton? He’s been apart of pretty much every action movie touchstone AND is Dinky Winks in the Spy Kids franchise.

Because of that, there’s no more rightful ruler of this divine Texas Rising cast than Bill Paxton. GAME OVER, man.

Join me May 25th at 9/8c on HISTORY CHANNEL to watch part 1.

Plans don’t always go accordingly, but sometimes, it’s for the best. I succumbed to sleep and ended up avoiding massive lines in Hall H, and now find myself in Ballroom 20 for the Marvel TV panel. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Agent Carter and maybe…Daredevil or Netflix stuff? I’m stoked.

With news that Lucy Lawless is joining AOS, I’m hoping we learn who she is going to play (Brand? An Asgardian badass?), and hope she shows up.

Marvel’s brand is up on the screen, dramatic ominous music is playing…is Hydra among us? Or is this stalling tactics? Still waiting, after seeing someone’s desktop on the screen. Amateur hour.

Jeph Loeb is moderating the panel. He be the head of Marvel TV, and EP of Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD. Loeb promises us things nobody else gets to see, and thanks the world’s greatest fans. Drink whenever someone says that, and you’ll be hammered.

We’re getting lanyards. Any day you get a lanyard, it’s a good day.

Over the course of the season, we learned to trust no one. Thanks to a little organization called Hydra. Loeb unbuttons his shirt and reveals the Hydra shirt. Sexiest thing you’ll see at the Con.

Before SHIELD, there was Agent Carter. The showrunners for the show are coming out, Michelle Fazekas and Tara Butters (Resurrection) as well as the pilot’s writers Stephen McFeely and Christopher Markus (they also wrote Captain America 1 and 2). Louis D’Esposito, director of the One-Shot, is also in attendance.

Hayley Atwell is here!

Fazekas and Butters are apparently running Resurrection and AC, which seems kinda nutty, a large task. Hopefully they can handle it.

Markus: Show is opportunity to mine rich playground. Wasn’t able to in Captain America: The Winter Soldier because of the time jump.

We’ve seen Agent Carter for about 40 minutes total in the two movies and the One-Shot. She’ll equal that with the pilot.

Atwell: Still so much to explore (duh), a lot of adventures. She mentions “powers,” but I don’t think she means it literally.

Loeb: They have not started shooting, but the Writer’s Room is going to open soon.

The war is over, Steve is gone. We’re picking up in 1946.

We get a sneak peek: “Welcome to the SSR.” Awesome old school eagle logo.

DIRECTOR NEWS! Louis D’Esposito is going to direct the first episode. Joe and Anthony Russo (Captain America: The Winter Soldier) will be directing the 2nd and 3rd episode of Agent Carter. Joe Johnston (Captain America: The First Avenger) wants to do the fourth episode. This show is going to rule.

Will Dominic Cooper return as Howard Stark? “That’d be fantastic if that could happen.”

Only questions have been from Agent Carter cosplay…until a female Winter Soldier comes up and gives me a boner. Atwell considers it a privilege and honor to play a strong woman.

Now it’s Agents of SHIELD time. We get a splendid recap of the show’s first season.

Lineup: EP Jeffrey Bell, Jed Whedon and Maurissa Tancharoen (showrunners), FitzSimmons! (Elizabeth Henstridge and Iain de Caestecker). Chloe Bennet in a shocking pink dress (sips for nips). Melinda May AKA Ming-Na Wen, who gets the biggest applause, kills in a Marvel shirt. Brett Dalton rocks a Hydra shirt, with some sexy stubble. Clark Gregg gets a standing ovation, and wins at life. Most of this panel is cheering and introducing people.

Fitz was completely heartbroken about the subject of Grant Ward’s betrayal. Iain can’t even talk about it.

Henstridge: great to be back. Know what to expect…kind of. Psyched to have a new family and the fans.

Will Skye be more involved with SHIELD? “I think so…” She still ships SkyWard. It’ll take a long time, so until then, she’s really okay with Skimmons. Me too.

What was it like being told you were Hydra? “A bit of an emotional roller coaster that day.” That Friday night, shoot a Dalton and Ming-Na fight, then was told in the meeting, and jaw drops. “But I got to work with Bill Paxton…It was quite a turn, but I’ve embraced it wholeheartedly.” Apparently was on board very quickly. “Turned the sexy up” when he became bad, according to Maurissa.

What was it like to become the Director of SHIELD? Agent Coulson, Director Coulson and Clark Gregg have been merging. All voices in head said “Squeeeee.” “I think you know what I mean.”

NEW FOLKS:

-Lucy Lawless will be on the show. She’s playing a long-time SHIELD veteran. May have a knife on her side. Her name is Isabel Hartley, and you’ll be seeing her pretty soon. Sounds like an original character.

-Lance Hunter of S.T.R.I.K.E. is joining the show. British actor Nick Blood is cast. Not a SHIELD agent, he’s a mercenary. Coulson is reaching out everywhere he can…and finds this young man, and helps with the team.

-AWESOME. A/The Big Bad is Reed Diamond (Dollhouse, Much Ado About Nothing) will be playing Daniel Whitehall, a legendary Hydra agent.

-Yay Bloopers of SHIELD. A lot of dancing, laughing and merriment.

-Where’s Triplett?

-Kid with “one liners for days” and Coulson’s big gun. Kid Coulson!

-How will rest of team react to Ward’s redemption? Elizabeth: “Terrible.” Fitz (Caestecker is too hard to spell): “Yeah.” High-fives Ward. Bennet: “I don’t know…he’s really hot as a Hydra agent…better than SHIELD. I’m going to say no.” Ming-Na: “As long as he keeps taking off his shirt in front of me.” Dalton doesn’t get to answer. Gregg: “I don’t feel good about it, but maybe if he bought Fitz a monkey.”

-Any chance of seeing Deadpool? Um, NO. “He’s over in that other universe.” He asks this question every year, apparently.

-How would Chloe feel about being Jessica Drew? She gives no real answer other than excitement. Apparently her identity is a fun guessing game on set, she has no idea. Finds out stuff right around the same time as us.

-Brought into trailer to see secret/new pages: “It was really cool…but also very sad.” (Gregg). Got us excited for the show, especially after watching Winter Soldier. Apparently Ming-Na and Chloe kind of cried. Chloe freaked out about kissing him; “I slept with him” (Ming-Na). Dalton: Didn’t get to work with these lovely people as much, but again, loved running around with Bill Paxton.

They started shooting AOS’ second season YESTERDAY. But we still get an awesome tease, which involves Patton Oswalt as Billy Koenig stressing the importance of our security lanyards. It’s a funny/clever bit…and then his “brother” Sam Koenig, A NEW ONE, pops in, and mentions another brother receiving a phone call from Bobby Morse (presumably not the actor from How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and Mad Men). He had a codename that I totally missed over the applause/cheers, but it sounded like Marky Mark; could’ve been a joke, or could’ve been someone famous I totally missed (how helpful). Apparently whoever s/he is, is in (I want that to mean Maria Hill). EDIT: BobbyBobbi Morse is exactly who he said, I was just an idiot. I’ll admit, I have a blind spot when it comes to MOCKINGBIRD‘s real name. But this is awesome. We get someone with powers, someone with ties to the larger universe (Hawkeye’s beau), and another badass chick. I’m slightly concerned about Triplett’s spot on the squad, since it sounds like we’re adding two more members to the squad, and B.J. Britt wasn’t in attendance with everyone else, but I think I’m being as paranoid as Koenig is about lanyards. Koenig mentions that they have secret weapons that we’re familiar with that should help in the fight.

Spoilers from CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER and AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. follow. 

If you’ve seen CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, you know the film drastically changed the landscape of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Ever since Nick Fury showed up at the end of IRON MAN and introduced the Avengers Initiative, S.H.I.E.L.D. and Marvel’s love of acronyms were the strings that tied the Marvel universe together.

Now, that S.H.I.E.L.D. has been destroyed, thanks to a decades long and irreversible infiltration by HYDRA, that leaves a massive, gaping void in the MCU, and in particular…kind of throws Marvel’s first foray into TV, AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. into flux. The show is called AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. for Phil Coulson’s sake. But considering AOS’ struggles with mediocrity over its first season, the bombastic events of the excellent WINTER SOLDIER offer a rare opportunity for a show to completely reimagine itself, to reboot, to revitalize itself with an eager and massive audience. Starting tonight, we’ll start to see what Maurissa Tancharoen, Jed Whedon, Jeffrey Bell and company have planned. Hopefully it involves something this wonderful:

David already chronicled what he thinks might happen over the season’s final 6 episodes, and what he WANTS to happen going forward in this awesome post. What follows are a bunch of ideas for season 2 that WON’T HAPPEN, that are too crazy, too nonsensical, and (some) too awesome, to happen, with new show titles to boot.

1. AGENTS OF THE ASTRAL PLANE

One of the more amazing nuggets in a movie bursting with greatness (CAP 2), was that Jasper Sitwell mentions Stephen Strange as an enemy of HYDRA while being interrogated by Cap and Black Widow.

This means Dr. Strange is happening. It’s as inevitable as my diabetes. To which I say:

While Dr. Strange deserves his own film, and has the highest upside of any other Marvel character yet untapped…this TV reboot wouldn’t preclude a film franchise from happening.

Judging from Sitwell’s reveal, Strange is an enemy of HYDRA, and therefore, probably an ally of S.H.I.E.L.D. in the aftermath to come. Imagine Victoria Hand, or the Clairvoyant, or the member of the team that betrays Coulson and his crew (who could also be the Clairvoyant), has them in his/her grasp, ready to end this vagabond group of misfits, once and for all. In this scenario, the Clairvoyant may as well be Dormammu. 

Enter Dr. Strange, a fun spell, and a trip to the Astral Plane, where Ward, May, Coulson, Skye, Fitz and Simmons (or whomever is still alive) regroup, learn the Mystic Arts, and pop in and out to take down the remaining heads of HYDRA, or the new threat to public safety. It’d be awesomeawful, with Wong along for comic relief and casual racism.

2. AGENTS OF UPS

In a move purely out of crazy obvious cross-promotion, the only division of S.H.I.E.L.D. that remains after CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER is that of “logistics.”

It’s a tough transition to make, but Coulson proves adept at leading a group of delivery men and women that ALWAYS gets their packages out in time, and to the right people. May’s pilot skills translate beautifully to the open road. Skye creates a new shipping system that revolutionizes the industry, and cripples FED EX (a front for HYDRA). It’s all a First Class time, until Christmas 2014, when the Clairvoyant (revealed as Heat Miser), threatens to ruin Christmas, by destroying UPS’ new logistics algorithm. FitzSimmons prove worthy of a littleReindeer Games, but the power and temptation proves too great, as we incur a Dark Willow type situation that doesn’t get resolved until Easter.

3. AGENTS OF LOLA

It’s clear the best character in AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. has always been Phil Coulson’s precious flying red car Lola.

Victoria Hand and HYDRA manage to destroy almost everyone (Lola only seats two passengers comfortably, after all) and everything, but not LOLA. Coulson manages to escape, with maybe one or two other survivors, zooming off in Lola.

In a show that can only be described as HERBIE: FULLY LOADED meets FAST & THE FURIOUS, Lola proves to have as acerbic a wit as Jarvis, but with far more explosive weaponry (and many a tank of NOS). Amid the innumerable car chases, races and death defying stunts, Skye and Simmons jostle for shotgun (and Coulson’s fatherly affections).

4. AGENTS OF STARK INDUSTRIES

At the end of CAPTAIN AMERICA 2, Maria Hill rebounds nicely from losing her job at S.H.I.E.L.D., by interviewing for a job at Stark Industries. This seems to hint that Tony Stark and Stark Tower will be the new base of operations for whatever is left of S.H.I.E.L.D., and the Avengers.

Coulson and company are looking at unemployment just like the rest of America (and Cobie Smulder’s schedule is free after the end of HIMYM), and their only option? A billion dollar company run by the world’s favorite superhero. Bummer, right? In this workplace comedy modeled after THE OFFICE, Phil Coulson and Maria Hill would butt heads (and bump uglies), while teaching Melinda May to work spreadsheets. Ward could try to take Happy’s job as bodyguard. Fitz and Simmons will fit right in with Tony and his group of eccentric inventors, as Simmons falls in love with Jarvis’s sultry voice (who will then turn into Vision, creating a love triangle with Elizabeth Olsen’s Scarlet Witch). Skye can hack, or whatever.

The drama is off the charts.

Think the last season of ANGEL, without Spike, a robotic Gunn, and none of the fun. The season premiere will open with this frightful image, and the rest of the year we will be figuring out how we got to this point (spoilers: bad shellfish):

5. AGENTS OF HYDRA

If you can’t beat ’em, join them. Season 1 of AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. has had a very ALIAS-like vibe, with Coulson perhaps unwittingly HELPING the bad guys, working for SD-6. Perhaps, so discouraged and disillusioned by SHIELD, the aura of order and compliance to HYDRA is exactly what the doctor ordered. Ward will follow anybody, after all.

Or, maybe Coulson’s team doesn’t just have one traitor. Maybe THEY’RE ALL EVIL, unwittingly keeping it a secret from one another because they didn’t know whom to trust.

Once the shit hits the fan, they realize they all Hail (From) Hydra, and we find out that Victoria Hand normally dyes her hair GREEN, for she’s really Madam Hydra, as they prepare for the sordid events unfurling in AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON.

We learn the history of HYDRA, with flashback episodes to Dr. Arnim Zola, the Winter Soldier, and how they shaped awful events of the past. HYDRA was behind Watergate, the JFK Assassination, the Moon Landing, every single conspiracy you’ve ever wanted to believe, including the mysteries of what is in McDonald’s Fish Filet.

We can also get Bob, Agent of Hydra, in there for much-needed comic relief:

Alternatively: the show could be retitled AGENTS OF H.A.M.M.E.R., where we learn that Victoria Hand was manipulated by HYDRA, or thought Coulson’s team was HYDRA, but she’s really just a hard ass with questionable morals. In other words, she’s exactly the leader Coulson’s team needs in the terrifying vacuum left behind by S.H.I.E.L.D.’s absence, as she starts H.A.M.M.E.R., the newest acronym everyone will be talking about, a shiny fancy new espionage and law enforcement group formed to replace S.H.I.E.L.D. The organization is created and run by Norman Osborn in the comics, but who needs that asshole?

Anyways, SOME of Coulson’s squad decides to join Hand (May, Simmons), where others side with Coulson (Fitz, Skye, Ward’s dead or split in half), splintering off on their own, setting up an escalating feud between the two factions.

6. FUTURE AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

In “Seeds,” Fitz and Simmons returned to their roots at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy, where their academic exploits and their big beautiful brains are revered. After Coulson and his squad of over-matched spies get murdered by Victoria Hand, the Clairvoyant or an explosive Bill Paxton quip, we’re forced to go backwards in Season 2, with a prequel series.

Fitz and Simmons are adorable, the nerdy will-they, won’t they’s of the show. In the JEDI ACADEMY/MONSTERS UNIVERSITY inspired FAOS, we get their “meet cute,” as Fitz accidentally zaps her with one of his experimental weapons, and gets caught repeatedly creeping on her with his weird spy orbs. But Simmons likes the attention.

We learn where Ward’s personality disappeared to, as Bill Paxton’s Agent Garrett brings him under his wing, absorbing all humor and personality from his muscular protege’s body, since no one can compete with Bill Paxton.

Melinda May is in full blown Cavalry mode, only taking breaks to share the sheets with a sexually frustrated Agent Coulson, who can’t seem to get an erection after he discovers the world is a place where the Incredible Hulk and Thor is real, and really just wants to complete his Captain America trading card collection.

Oh, Skye spends her time in that van a lot, maybe narrating the events a la DOOGIE HOWSER (or better yet, the technological soul of Arnim Zola narrating the events from her van). Riveting stuff, and if it doesn’t find an audience, it could go the GOTHAM route, and throw every famous hero into the SHIELD Academy BEFORE they become the heroes we know and love.

7. AGENT PEGGY CARTER

Since the awesome PEGGY CARTER one-shot materialized, rumors have swirled around a possible Peggy Carter TV show.

What we didn’t know was that Marvel Studios had planned all along for Hayley Atwell to take over for Coulson and his fuck ups once and for all after one season.

Following the “death” of Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter gets ushered into a fledgling little group called S.H.I.E.L.D. and becomes one of the founding members of the world’s most secretive and powerful organization. Joined by Dum Dum Dugan, his Howling Commandos and Howard Stark, we witness the origins of the divisive and mysterious organization.

Throw in the impossibly studio convoluted Invaders, the million different Captain America’s that tried to replace Steve Rogers over the years, and the seeds of Hydra’s rebellion, and you have the greatest show on the planet. Plus, we learn the truth behind Howard Stark’s death (he’s a Skrull), and get more Arnim Zola, who needs to be in every episode of every show on this list.

It’s pulpy, sexy, fun. MAD MEN meets ALIAS.

8. AGENTS OF S.K.Y.E.

Skye’s name is no accident. While it might’ve been evidence of a whimsical, hippie (but annoyingly upper class) mother…it’s more likely a code for her origin.

The sky. Space. She’s clearly an alien, yo, and by the end of season 1, Skye learns that she is KREE, and faced with either sticking around a world without S.H.I.E.L.D. and direction, the surviving members of Coulson’s pals decide to romp around in space with Skye, jettisoning us off into a galaxy far, far away, and the guardians who would protect it.

While we skirt around Peter Quill and the real GUARDIANS, we’re introduced to their swashbuckling, quirky world, and to the Nova Corps, Quasar, and Skye’s father…Mar-Vell. We learn that Skye’s been hidden from the Kree’s and the rest of the universe…because she’s the key to the galaxy, or something equally profound/ridiculous. In fact, she’s the basis for the Kree-Skrull War that explodes in Season 4.

Melinda May will admit to being jealous of her and Ward’s obvious affections in Season 3.

9. SECRET AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D./AGENTS OF FURY

Do we really believe that S.H.I.E.L.D. is gone forever? They’re just as persistent and as hard to get rid of as HYDRA and bed bugs, and Nick Fury doesn’t give up easily.

In the finale, after Coulson and the surviving members of his group defeat Hand and the threat of HYDRA (for this season), Nick Fury reveals himself to be alive (Sam Jackson will appear on the finale). There, he offers Coulson his next mission, should he choose to accept it: to start a top-secret, underground sect of S.H.I.E.L.D., operating with complete autonomy, globe-trotting around the world in the Bus and Lola, raiding out HYDRA and Centipede locations, while interacting with new threats, heroes, villains and powers.

It’s basically Secret Avengers, without the cool members of the team. But throw in Sif (as the Valkyrie counterpart), a redemptive Deathlok on the squad, maybe grab Sharon Carter (Emily VanCamp), and bring back Peter MacNicol as a liaison, and you have a legitimately awesome idea for season 2. You could even cover Secret War, without relying on Nick Fury to lead the charge.

That could happen. This is the crazy, unrealistic version:

I envision it like HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS, where Coulson and his group are constantly on the run, or in hiding from the Clairvoyant, flitting from place to place, running into friend or foe, and uncovering heretofore undiscovered tenants of the Marvel Universe. Stay a week in Atlantis with Namor. Stay at a bed and breakfast in Wakanda and meet T’Challa. Hitchhike with Nomad (or Captain America, incognito following an assassination attempt in CAPTAIN AMERICA 3). Maybe we meet the new Ghost Rider. Or Punisher. Or introduce Carol Danvers AKA Captain Marvel. Shang-Chi. Man-Thing. Ka-Zar. Moon Knight. Hundreds of others. Coulson and his team are like Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town, discovering and uncovering every corner of the MU (within reason), and jotting it into their pokedex.

10. LIFE MODEL DECOYS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.

Victoria Hand, Jasper Sitwell and the Clairvoyant manage to murder the crap out of Phil Coulson and his team.

But, this is the Marvel Universe, where no one stays dead.

Hand didn’t kill Life Model Decoys…she killed the real McCoy’s. But Coulson managed to create LMD’s for his entire team before her devastating/obvious betrayal.

The second season follows the life model decoys that survived and outlived their human counterparts. Universe-altering questions of humanity, and whether or not they deserve life, or even want it, is explored in the now moribund, existential series.

11. AGENTS OF A MAGICAL PLACE

After S.H.I.E.L.D. and everything Coulson has ever known has collapsed, he and his team are forced to go into hiding.

Because no one would expect them to go to the most obvious place, that’s exactly what Coulson’s cadre of “spies” do: they go to Tahiti. A magical place.

There, they have tropical drinks, sun tan, and undergo radical experiments with Book from FIREFLY.

Did I fall asleep? You will too.

12. AGENTS OF SHIELD

You think this is the same show. BUT THE ACRONYM IS NO MORE!

You know what this means?

The Clairvoyant isn’t Arnim Zola. It isn’t Bill Paxton or Hand, or May or any of the popular theories. No, the Clairvoyant is a nefarious time traveler (The Doctor?), who knows that Coulson’s team are the only people who can stop him…so instead of killing them when they were babies like a normal time traveler…he ships them off to…Medieval times!

I mean serious, Black Plague medieval times. Not Medieval Times. Ward finds the time change refreshing, the order of knighthood exactly what he always wanted, with Melinda May posing as his male squire, before enacting her vengeance.

13. AGENTS OF SUPERHUMAN REGISTRATION

One of the endings of CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER, involved the government questioning Black Widow, and threatening to arrest Natasha. It had the stink of the seeds of setting up the Superhuman Registration Act, an awful law enacted that forces all super powered humans to register with the government and relinquish their secret identities. It leads to a Civil War between heroes, fighting on either side, and sucked.

SMALLVILLE kind of did this arc before, X-MEN has done something similar, and it’s just the worst, and likely won’t ever happen, or shouldn’t. Until season 2 of AOS, as Coulson and his team go around the country, down “the list” of Assets, conscripting them to their service. Or else Deathlok kills them.

14. AGENTS OF THUNDERBOLTS

The THUNDERBOLTS are basically Marvel’s version of the SUICIDE SQUAD, a superhero team filled with reformed villains. ARROW’s been setting up a Suicide Squad in its second season (and who knows, might be planning a spin-off show), so it’d be pretty funny and fitting if Marvel stepped in and started the Thunderbolts Initiative in season 2 of AOS.

Redemption and the nature of heroism is a deep and profound theme often found in Joss Whedon’s work, and its the crux of the Thunderbolts team. Perhaps faced with the growing evils of Centipede/Hydra, Baron von Strucker, the Clairvoyant and whatever else is out there, that Maria Hill decides to enact the Thunderbolts Initiative, a decision buoyed by the successful rehabilitation of J. August Richards’ Deathlok in the final battle of season 1.

We’ve met Blizzard in “Seeds,” Radioactive Man in IRON MAN 3 (kinda), and most of the other “villains” in THUNDERBOLTS wouldn’t be stepping on the toes of any of their bigger franchises. Maybe Baron Zemo would, but I doubt we’ll be seeing a Masters of Evil group (unless Sony takes over). While Crossbones is likely planned for CAPTAIN AMERICA 3 (and a role in the Death of Captain America, been calling that since forever), he does have history with the Thunderbolts, and Frank Grillo isn’t too big for TV. There’s no shortage of people that have Thunderbolts ties, including Songbird, Nighthawk, Atlas, Swordsman, Penance and Paladin, that we wouldn’t have to delve into the Green Goblin, Bullseye, Venom and Deadpool’s of the world, that are untouchable and too big for TV even if they weren’t.