I’ve already delved into why A GOOFY MOVIE is one of the most important films of my childhood, and ever. So instead, I’ll talk about how I bastardized another one of my youthful favorites, when a group of friends watched the 1995 Disney classic A GOOFY MOVIE over far too many beers. This one came after FLUBBER, so we already weren’t on our right minds.

But first, a little unnecessary background. A GOOFY MOVIE was Kevin Lima’s directorial debut. He parlayed the job into three other big Disney films, including TARZAN, 102 DALMATIANS and most recently, ENCHANTED, permanently etching his name in the annals of the Disney greats. That’s definitely hyperbole, but whatever.

Bobby Brown, yes that Bobby Brown, was the original choice for Powerline, the hip young pop star that Max Goof emulates and is essentially an unholy amalgamation of Michael Jackson and Prince. Because of his drug problems, he was replaced by Tevin Campbell, whoever that is.

A GOOFY MOVIE features the last role from the late, great Pat Buttram, as the Possum Park Emcee, a small role that proved unforgettable/disturbing to me as a child. The Possum Park is wholly horrifying. Evidence:

Pat Buttram was one of the great relics from Hollywood’s golden age of Western obsession, a night permanent fixture beside Gene Autry, and appearing on the ED SULLIVAN SHOW frequently to perform stand-up. He also was on GREEN ACRES and a slew of other shows that your grandparents adored. But due to his indelible voice, he made his mark on Disney, performing in FOX AND THE HOUND, THE RESCUERS, ROBIN HOOD and THE ARISTOCATS, among others. He also had minor roles in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT and BACK TO THE FUTURE III. In other words, he’s incredible. Pat is the saloon old-timer on the right in this clip.

There’s not much else to say about Bill Farmer, the titan of voice acting, than to say no one else can voice Goofy like he can. A GOOFY MOVIE gave him the spotlight he deserved, and he didn’t disappoint. The film also has Wallace Shawn of PRINCESS BRIDE fame, Julie Brown (THE MIDDLE) and one of the original Disney Channel stars Joey Lawrence (BROTHERLY LOVE).

Finally, Roxanne is one of the sexiest Disney love interests ever, perhaps topping the list of non-princesses.

Seriously.

The film also has plenty of opportunities to drink, so have at the rules. As always, stay safe, don’t drink and drive, and don’t be an idiot.

RULES

1. Whenever Max wishes that he wasn’t with Goofy, or is horrified to become like Goofy, drink.

2. Sip whenever Pete yells at PJ.

3. Drink whenever Goofy laughs and/or falls over. Double it if he does the Goofy holler “ah-ha-ha-hueeeeyyy” noise as he falls to what would be certain death if it wasn’t a cartoon.

4. You must toast whenever Goofy says/yells/a-yuk’s “Maxie”

5. Drink for every song.

6. Waterfall while Bobby Zimmeruski eats the leaning tower of Cheeza. Drink again when you realize Bobby is voiced by PAULY SHORE.

7. Drink for every heartwarming father and son moment.

8. But also drink whenever Maxie is a complete dickhead to his dear ole Dad.

9. Drink every time Max or Goofy use the “Perfect Cast” technique.

10. Every time Roxanne or Max blush, drink.

11. Drink for every time Max accidentally unleashes an “ayuk.”

EXPERT EDITION: Call your Dad after watching A GOOFY MOVIE (whether playing this game or not). If you don’t, drink.

Every time, your answer should be fuck yes.

What follows is my way of introduction to ye faithful reader(s). Rather than inundating you with vague autobiographical information, I thought I’d let you discover my life through movies, by sharing seven of my absolute favorite childhood movies. While none of these is my favorite movie (since I can remember, BACK TO THE FUTURE has been my answer to that question, but GALAXY QUEST is closing in), and I’ve seen so many mind blowing movies that have changed my life or inspired me since, movies just have a bigger impact on you when you’re younger. Movies are more pure precisely because you are, as you haven’t yet left Neverland and grown up, and aren’t yet saddled with life’s expectations and complications. In many ways, I’m still the same kid who yearns to be the manager of a professional baseball team rather than endure the pressure of actual playing, like in LITTLE BIG LEAGUE, or the alienated monster kid who longs to be a part of Scooby’s gang in SCOOBY DOO AND THE GHOUL SCHOOL.

Let’s go, shall we?

Mary Poppins (1964)

Before I was too cool to spend New Year’s Eve with my parents, my sister and I used to watch movies until midnight with the folks, back when that was a big deal. The first year we started this tradition (I don’t know exactly how old I was), my Mom put her foot down (she was steppin’ in time) and made us watch MARY POPPINS. I, of course, was resistant to something that sounded so girly and silly and stupid. This was before I would embrace my wacky self, and my feminine side, and many a movie that’s frowned upon by insecure dudes and “grown up” men and women. Now, I’m all for it, and this classic live-action (with some animation) musical with Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke was a big reason for that.

Each song is beautiful, from the protest-power song of “Sister Suffragette” that fit in with the socially conscious 60’s era even if the film itself took place when women were fighting for the right to vote (while still painfully subservient to their dopey husbands like Mrs. Banks), to the pop cultural might of “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius.” Yeah, because of that song’s greatness (and my current obsession with the soundtrack on Spotify) I could spell that without consulting Google. There’s “Spoonful of Sugar,” which is one of three songs that actually do make chores more bearable (if only the truism “in every job that must be done there is an element of fun” was true). The dreary and touching “Feed the Birds” is as manipulative as a Sarah MacLaughlan puppy ad, but no less effective.

It’s a film that has a classic joke that doesn’t make sense to any but English majors (least of all children) yet is still hilarious: “My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him, ‘What was the name of his other leg?'” Misplaced modifier humor: what gets better than that?!

The film not only gives us animated singing and dancing animals, a chaste but no less dreamy love story between Bert and Mary, but is a socially conscious picture that empowers women (somewhat), and perhaps its finest achievement is chronicling the development of Mr. Banks from the gruff, stern, responsible banker to lovable family man. For any young man with designs at a large future, try not to tremble at the opening lines of David Tomlinson’s finest moment, in “A Man Has Dreams”:

A man has dreams of walking with giantsTo carve his niche in the edifice of timeBefore the mortar of his zealHas a chance to congealThe cup is dashed from his lipsThe flame is snuffed aborningHe’s brought to rack and ruin in his prime.

It’s DEATH OF A SALESMAN in song.

Dick Van Dyke: dancer, beau, singer, comedian, actor…rapper? Just listen to his fast-talking singing at the end of “Jolly Holiday” and other moments sprinkled throughout this beautiful film. While the film is titled after Ms. Poppins, it’s Bert’s character that absolutely steals the show and grounds the narrative. He’s just an honest (and obscenely talented) man scraping to get by, but he’s somehow charmed the world’s luverly-iest woman, and in so doing, made it seem like Bert is the one out of Mary Poppins’ league. Bert should’ve ended the misplaced belief that the impoverished are poor because they’re lazy, as he works as a chimney sweep, artist and a one-man band.

It wasn’t until senior year of high school until I truly accepted who I was, and shared the weird to the world, and was no longer embarrassed that I read comics, or that I had never dated a girl. I think I’d be grasping at fate to intimate a legitimate connection between that leap than with Bert’s leaps across rooftops, but it’s clear he was a worthy role model all along, and perhaps that leap wouldn’t have been possible without Dick Van Dyke’s complete all-in with Bert. I oftentimes wish I had embraced the message proliferated by Bert sooner. Would I have taken up theatre? Would I have learned to read music, or to sing? I feel like that’s passed me by, or loses its luster after high school and college, but MARY POPPINS’ timelessness says otherwise. It’s never too late; a man has dreams, after all.

If you’re not whistling or clicking your heels by the end of the film, and inspired by the buoyant, jubilant ending number “Let’s Fly A Kite,” that is as touching a moment between a father and his children as any, then you’re a serious Grinch.

The film may border on the cartoonish, literally and figuratively, but it’s also real, as symbolized by Bert’s wonderfully simple line: “Life is a rum go, governor” in response to Mr. Banks’ turmoil before his enlightenment. Of course, it also glorifies poverty, displaying more happy, grimy chimney sweeps than have probably ever existed.

Further evidence that Dick Van Dyke is the most talented man in show business ever:

If you doubt the power and magic of this movie, click your heels to the following (admittedly bad quality) video of “Step in Time,” my favorite song from the film:

Recently, I watched this movie with a few of my friends, tailored a drinking game to its wondrous content, and ended the night trying and failing to emulate D-V-D on the dance floor. The experience informed my Halloween costume this year.

While I haven’t found the woman, that when I hold her hand, I feel so grand, and my heart starts beating like a big brass band, it’s remains a jolly holiday when you spend it with Mary. Chim chim-in-ey, chim chim-in-ey, I love you!

But not her:

I have no idea why, but Karen Dotrice, who plays Jane Banks, terrifies me, for her role in the immortal cat film THREE LIVES OF THOMASINA. GODDAMN YOU THOMASINA.