Well, this is why we’re here. This is why I have permanent back damage and could sleep until next year’s Comic-Con at this point.

What do we have in store for us? RDJ intro’d the panel two years ago. Hiddleston did last year. Is James Spader going to bring on some Ultron? Are we going to see the Vision? Are we going to see the complete Phase 3 cast (Inhumans, Black Panther, IM 4, Hulk, Thor 3, Cap 3?)? Is Benedict Cumberbatch or Joaquin Phoenix Dr. Strange or is it a mystery third person (I can grow that beard, bitches)? Josh Brolin is here. Do we get a taste of Thanos?! Can I possibly adore Elizabeth Olsen any more than I already do? Will a woman or a black character get their own movie? Will Bradley Cooper show up in a garish raccoon costume? Will we somehow fit the entire Guardians of the Galaxy movie into the time slot? Will I ejaculate all over my neighbors? Stay tuned.

We’re on. Oh wait, we’re not. The audience is chanting, clapping in unison, we’re one minute away from the fucking wave.

For the record, the wave started exactly a minute later. The only time I’ve ever predicted something right this week.

Maybe the hour and a half gap before the WB TV panel will be filled merely by this panel starting so late. Which is disappointing, since I need a nap pre-Gotham.

Is a live blog truly live without me time stamping every comment? (Answer: No; but do you need to know I wrote this at 5:42:18 PM?).

Um, since when did Andy Serkis have an undisclosed role in Avengers: Age of Ultron? He’s apparently helping to mo-cap Hulk.

Eddie Ibrahim is up again.

We get an awesome recap of the entire Marvel Universe, capped with some great footage of Guardians of the Galaxy, which is going to be the best movie Marvel has made, btw (the 10th Marvel movies). Then we see Thanos in his space chair, threatening mankind. Awesome.

Kevin Feige is here, and so is Chris Hardwick of course.

Hardwick: has made a visually stunning film that’s hilarious. Big ups to James Gunn.

ANT-MAN time. Peyton Reed, the director. Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas are here (and Douglas is looking rough/awesome). Corey Stoll is here, the villain in the film: YELLOWJACKET. Playing the daughter of Hank Pym is EVANGELINE LILY as Hope Van Dyne. An interesting name choice.

This is the 20th anniversary of Peyton Reed’s first Comic-Con. Paul Rudd is popping his Comic-Con cherry, and clearly slightly overwhelmed.

Rudd is excited by challenge, thrilled to be working with such great people.

Michael Douglas admits to “popping up enough cherries.” Chris Hardwick wants to talk about that for the next hour, and so do I. Douglas has looked at Marvel from afar and has never really made a movie with the kind of technological tools this will have. Has clearly done his research: name-drops the year of Ant-Man’s creation, his creator, Stan Lee. Talks about his powers. This is the story of a heist, because his partner, Corey/Yellowjacket. Most of the budget will be removing Paul Rudd’s massive muscles.

Evangeline Lily on Hope Van Dyne: Very glad to announce it, and finally done evading press. Doesn’t have a script yet. But she is Hank Pym’s daughter, a crazy different detail from the source material. Professes love for us, been beloved in Hall H since Lost in 2005.

Corey Stoll on Yellowjacket: Was Hank Pym’s mentee, genius scientist as well. Have taken over the company, in what “judgmental people think is in an evil direction.” Attains some Pym particles (gross), and puts on a Yellowjacket suit.

Ant-Man starts filming in two weeks in Atlanta. Filmed something for us….we don’t see Paul or Michael, but we hear them, bickering about the nature of being a hero, and how Rudd isn’t a superhero, which is exactly why he’s perfect (and not a moron, like Douglas posits heroes are). We see the suit, we see ants, we see him flying on them, and get a brief glimpse at the visual flair in this movie. It’s fun.

Downey comes in a striking suit to Michael Jackson’s Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough. He throws roses from a briefcase into the crowd. Renner dances awkwardly. Mark Ruffalo comes in a little bit more unassuming. Chris Hemsworth. Cobie Smulders arrives, accepting a white rose from Downey. Samuel L. Jackson comes on, like he would. Chris Evans is buff as shit. Downey’s announcing them as they come in. Aaron Taylor-Johnson as Quicksilver. Paul Bettany as Vision. James Spader as Ultron. Elizabeth Olsen as Scarlet Witch. This is insane.

Hardwick: “This is good. This is good. This is supposed to happen. Welcome, Avengers.”

Downey: Keeps getting better, and the bench gets larger.

Renner admits to wearing pants, unfortunately. “Always thrilling, man….glad to be here. Very honored.” Never envisioned this, but is blessed.

Ruffalo is fairly flabbergasted by the love. Hulk gets the first chant. Hardwick warns the crowd not to get him excited…

Hemsworth loves being part of this madness. What has he not been able to do yet? “Turn him into a woman. Great idea. I don’t want to speak too early and jinx it, but it could be my Oscar.” Incredible.

Smulders didn’t expect this to keep going on, but hoped that. Joss brought her into the world, and “so grateful.”

Evans and Hemsworth apparently compare muscle, and Hemsworth wins (“it’s not a costume, he is Thor”). Steve is up to speed, but still looking for a place to belong. Searching for home.

Taylor-Johnson intimidated to join the group, but happy Joss wanted him in. Loves the banter, enjoys Marvel movies, and excited for a part in this one.

Bettany know has to work for his money. He used to go to a dark room for 45 minutes and walk out with a bag of cash. “The most exciting thing that has ever happened to my kids.” “They had no interest in what I did until this month.”

James Spader always thought the world could never be crazy or weirder than he thought. Until SDCC. “This place might be the weirdest, craziest place I’ve ever been.” Thanks us. “I play an 8 foot robot in this movie…and I’d always played humans up to now.” As startling and exciting as coming to Comic-Con for the first time. Everything was “so entirely new”: the process, the people, the world he was entering.

Olsen: Fun to bring magic into the world…”mutated people,” which elicits ooohs. Adds a new dynamic, not just “awesome punching.” Apparently she stares at pencils for hours trying to make it move.

Then the world explodes when Scarlett introduces the video for Avengers: Age of Ultron. Um, SPOILERS follow. A delightful party scene with the team (that also includes Maria Hill and Rhodey): everyone takes turns trying to grab Thor’s hammer, a la the sword in the stone. Tony and Rhodey try together, with their armor, to no avail. Bruce Banner tries and fakes getting excited/angry, and it’s not funny (and so funny). Steve Rogers actually makes it move, slightly, a moment that gives me a partial chub. Thor announces that none of them are worthy…and that’s when Ultron makes his appearance, agreeing, saying their existence is all that can save the world. Then he sends other Iron Man armor toward the team. Then shit goes DOWN. It looks like the apocalypse has happened. Iron Man breaks out the hulkbuster armor, and it looks INSANE. Hulk also touches hands with Black Widow. We see our first full glimpse of Ultron on his throne…and it’s exactly what you want him to look like. Ultron is going to destroy our boys. Spader’s voice is a masterstroke. We see a glimpse of Andy Serkis with a beard. He’s not just helping with mo-cap. He has a role; let the rampant speculation begin. The clip ends on the craziest note ever: Iron Man looking at the carnage around him, all of his comrades in arms, collapsed or worse, Cap’s shield BROKEN IN HALF. Boom.

Then…Josh Brolin marches into the room wearing the Infinity Gauntlet. He demands a rose from Downey, who relents, and Thanos/Brolin EATS it. The excitement is almost suffocating in this room.

The panel appears to be over, but there’s one more clip to run: Chris Pratt and James Gunn joking around in London, wondering how they’d follow an Avengers panel. They jokingly talk about telling us about Guardians of the Galaxy 2 without Kevin Feige’s say so. It’s clearly staged, but Gunn and Pratt are so lovable it works anyways. And besides, GUARDIANS is getting a sequel before it even comes out: July 28th, 2017. Fuck yes.

What’s awesome about all this, is how into it the Avengers cast is. Robert especially loves his role as ring leader and host. Everyone’s psyched to be here. We might be looking at this moment as Marvel Studios’ pinnacle…or perhaps we’re just getting started, as Elizabeth Olsen intimated, now that they’re adding magic and mutated people.

Thank you Marvel for putting on a show, and good night everybody. Gotham, The Walking Dead Escape and sweet, sweet slumber awaits.

If you have not seen CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER or the latest episode of Marvel’s AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D., you’re not a very good nerd, nor should you read the rest of this post LEST YE BE SPOILED.

Week after week, Tuesday after Tuesday, I prepare myself to watch the next episode of what should be the greatest show on television: it lives in a world that has Gods, philanthropic-playboy-geniuses, a modern-day Robin Hood, and a goddamn Hulk. Yet, every week I have to give myself pep-talks and convince myself that maybe this time it’ll be better, maybe this is the episode that will make me go, “JOSS WHEDON IS BACK, BITCHES!” But here we are, seventeen episodes into its premiere season and I still cannot say that I am 100% committed to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. for the duration of its television run no matter how long – or how short – that may be.

Let’s take a quick look at my lovers’ (most people call him Joss) television resumé.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER (1997-2003): Had it all. A kickass ladyhero, hot-as-hell vampires, a couple of lezzie Wicca’s, a few neat accents, sex, drama, blood, pain and lots and lots of laughs. While the wardrobe may be outdated now (sweet mother of God is it bad), everyone no matter if they’re a new found fan, or a lifer, can appreciate the language of Buffyisms that was created, the family that we all shared, and the everlasting hatred of the monster sibling that was Dawn. Joss Whedon was tired of watching horror movies where the blond girl always got the ax first, so he gave us a heroine that even over a decade later, everyone still wants to be when they grow up.

ANGEL (1999-2004): BtVS’s spinoff is all-too-often compared to its predecessor and the comments that follow are generally in the vain of, “…but not as good.” or “…it just wasn’t BUFFY.” And while, yes, those may be true because of HOW MUCH WE LOVE BUFFY, they don’t actually have any real merit. ANGEL was a great show in its own right, and no it wasn’t BUFFY… Because it wasn’t BUFFY. It was ANGEL. While Joss didn’t take the lead on this one, he left in the hands of his more than capable partner David Greenwalt who had been working on BtVS with him for years. They, together, knew the characters they created and so taking them out of Sunnydale and putting them in The City of Angels wasn’t something to be scared of. ANGEL may have fallen off the bandwagon a few times (Connor and evil Cordy, anyone?) its characters never changed past the point of recognition. Which is more than we can say for some other less fortunate folks on the telly (VAMPIRE DIARIES, I’m looking at you).

FIREFLY (2002-2003): If you haven’t seen FIREFLY, do everyone a favor and go impale yourself.

DR. HORRIBLE’S SING ALONG BLOG (TV Mini-Series, 2008): Neil Patrick Harris. Felicia Day. Nathan Fillion. Joss Whedon. Singing. DR. HORRIBLE was a brilliant, adorable and endearing work of fluffy fun. It was just a little reminder for all of Joss’ fans that he was still around and still making wonderful little things for us to treasure.

DOLLHOUSE (2009-2010): DOLLHOUSE was an interesting shift for Joss. Anyone who’s familiar with his aforementioned works, knows that he started to get very interested in technology and how that impacted the worlds he was writing about (BtVS Season 4 was the worst), and DOLLHOUSE absolutely felt like it was an experiment to see how far he could take his idea of implanting custom personalities into sleepers-for-hire. And honestly, had Eliza Dushku been replaced, DOLLHOUSE probably could have succeeded for many more seasons to come. I don’t say that because I don’t like Eliza (which to be fair, she isn’t my fave), but I say that because in order for us to believe that these “dolls” really were getting their brains wiped of personality implants, the actors that were cast needed have the range to portray anything and everything that the writers could think of, and Eliza does not have that range: she has the acting abilities of my mother ironing board. The concept of DOLLHOUSE was new, intriguing, had a fabulous crew of supporting cast, and was pretty fucking awesome all around – it just needed an equally awesome lead, which it did not.

And finally we come to AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (2013-): Looking at all the components individually, characters (which to be fair, could use some major fleshing out; Fitz and Simmons need backgrounds and lives outside of their work together at the Academy and in S.H.I.E.L.D. and Skye could definitely improve with one of the Dollhouse’s personality implants) are decent enough, the concept is absolutely great looking at how big the Marvel cinematic universe is growing each year (OMG AVENGERS 2 OMG THE DEFENDERS OMG) and everyone loves Coulson. But what about AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. just isn’t working?

Could it be that Joss Whedon has not directed a single episode since the pilot?

Or the fact that Joss has only written one episode this entire season.

Hey, maybe it’s that Joss Whedon is not the show-runner, but merely titled “co-creator” and “producer”?

Had AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. been solely in Joss’ more than capable hands, I have no doubt that it would by far be one of the best shows to tune into weekly, but being left in the hands of another (it’s been proven time and time again that Maurissa and Jed together are not half the talent that Joss is alone) AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D is suffering, and I don’t think that even the great Thor could stop it. The episodes are lackluster and #ItsAllConnected doesn’t mean a damn thing, but no one knows what’s going on anymore.

Ward is banging May, is in love with Skye, and now he’s HYDRA? Fitz and Simmons are adorable, easily flustered, and lacking any real substance, which immediately leads me to Skye. What, exactly, is the point of her? Something about her parents were important so she’s highly valuable or something… to who now? And why is that, again? Melinda May is a badass, sure, but her lack of any kind of expression has worn out its welcome. Is she in love with Coulson? She sure seems like she could be, yet she’s bumping uglies with Ward, assembled this team to put Coulson down if need be, and is apparently in contact with Fury behind everyone’s backs. Who knows what happened with Agent Hand last week since all I gathered from that entire episode is that she apparently got dead, and who knows if that was even real (Fury ain’t dead. No one can kill Sam Jackson. Be real. …And, you know, spoilers).

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. seems to be moving in some sort of direction somewhere, somehow, but the individual storylines and overall plot have such little structure that the miniscule bit of information that is given is so haphazard and undeveloped that it feels like Maurissa and Jed took a page from the bible of LOST and are just making things up as they go. Joss may have made things up as he went (some story arcs were more ridiculous than others…ADAM) but you never quite felt this dazed and confused. While I know Joss is busy being all Avenge-y, it’d sure be nice if he stuck his head into the S.H.I.E.L.D. writers’ room once in a while to bust their balls about the hot mess that is AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D.