The following list is based off my own discretion. Those I thought were interesting, those I liked, those I disliked. I got all the “major” villains, a few “minor” villains, and left out the more obscure villains (Shere Khan and Madam Mim? No one remembers them! But I do adore THE SWORD IN THE STONE. JUNGLEBOOK…not so much.)

L-to-R: Dr. Facilier, Ursula, Maleficient, The Evil Queen, Claude Frollo

With no further ado, here we go.

18. LADY TREMAINE (CINDERELLA)

As far as villains go, Lady T. was pretty weak. She had no real substance other than hating Cinderella, and while her daughters were a laugh and who didn’t love Lucifer, she was neither frightening nor interesting to watch. If we’re being honest, the scariest part about her was her hair.

17. THE EVIL QUEEN (SNOW WHITE)

The only reason she isn’t ranked last is because she absolutely terrified me as a child. I think I’ve watched SNOW WHITE a total of one time in my life because The Evil Queen’s old hag gave me nightmares for what seems like years. On how evil she is, there are quite a few vain villains on this list, and she is just another face in the crowd. Albeit, a goddamn scary one.

16. MALEFICENT (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Mallie-poo could turn into a dragon, and that’s pretty badass. Was she especially interesting? Nah, not really. I haven’t seen SLEEPING BEAUTY in ages, but I don’t recall there being any particular reason for Maleficent cursing baby Aurora. While the upcoming live-action MALEFICENT may serve to bump her up this list, as it stands now she was more “awesome-dragon-lady” than “run-for-the-hills-lady.” (Footnote: All the Disney posts of this week were originally conceived in honor of MALEFICENT’s premiere today, May 30, 2014. Cheers to a new generation of Fairy Tales, both Villains and Princesses alike!)

15. YZMA (THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE)

Yzma was hilarious. Everything about that skeleton-looking witch with absurd eye-lashes was hilarious, especially when she was turned into a cat. Villain-wise, she wasn’t nearly as evil as some of the other folks on here, but comedy-wise she was a hoot.

14. GASTON (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

Gaston was one cocky SOB. From the second he comes on-screen, you can’t help but want to punch him in his overly-chiseled jaw. He’s rude, crass, and way too narcissistic for someone who isn’t even all that sexy. If it came down it, I’d have taken Scar (a goddamn lion) over that fool, any day.

13. CAPTAIN HOOK (PETER PAN)

The Cap’n was awesome. Twisted, demented, in desperate need of some life-long therapy, yes, but awesome nonetheless. One handed and still able to capture a fairy? And – bonus – a rightful fear of crocs, ‘cause them is scary mofo’s. And one really must appreciate the irony of a man being so terrified of a clock on an island where time stands still. Therapy for days.

12. GOVERNOR RADCLIFFE (POCAHONTAS)

Governor Asshat is so high on this list because he shot John Smith. …And, you know, the general racism of wanting to exterminate (insert Dalek-icon here) an entire race of people. Should probably mention that too.

11. JAFAR (ALADDIN)

Every time I think of Jafar, I get two immediate thoughts: 1) Jasmine in that little red number, and 2) Jafar’s voice echoing in my head, “A snake, am I? Perhaps you’d like to see how snake like I can be!” and I get goosebumps. While a horrible racial depiction of brown-folks, Jafar was easily one of the most traumatizing villains Disney ever produced. He tuned Rajah into a little kitty (WHICH WAS ADORABLE), turned Abu into a tiny toy, locked Jasmine in an hourglass after making her his sex-slave, and allowed Iago to be fed those disgusting crackers.

10. DR. FACILIER (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

In terms of badness, the good Doctor could definitely have been worse (Frogs are pretty weak. They weren’t even poisonous frogs!) But in terms of creep factor, The Shadow Man could give even Jafar a run for his money. Sadistic, manipulative, horribly frightening, Keith David once again found a way to chill us to our core bringing to life the epitome of rotten, bottom-feeding scumbags.

9. HADES (HERCULES)

Hilarious. Flamboyant. Pretty cool blue-flame-hair. Comedic timing anyone would kill for… Hades was a pretty good character, and even better villain. Would you make our hero Hercules surrender himself to the river Styx to save Megara? Watching the love of your life’s soul be devoured by the infamous mythological river (which was inaccurately portrayed like the entire rest of the movie) would have made anyone crazy, and Hades was a genius for subjecting Hercules to it. Cruel, but genius.

8. GOTHEL (TANGLED)

What a B. She was even more self-obsessed than Gaston, with even less inhibition. Crazy-G was ready to let a man die to keep her kidnapped daughter locked in a tower against her will, so that she could stay young forever. On further examination, it’s doctor recommended she be locked in a psych ward with mandatory daily shrink sessions to deal with her serious control issues. And preferably with a boat-load of tranquilizers.

7. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS (ALICE IN WONDERLAND)

Not much really needs to be said about The Queen. She was cuh-razy. A demented, probably bipolar female, with a penchant for beheading when she gets a bit testy? I’d pay to see this wacko go up against Cersei, and am honestly unsure if I’d be Team Lannister or Team Psychopath.

6. CRUELLA DE VIL (101 DALMATIONS)

Speaking of the crazies, this lady was maniacal and wanted to murder a bunch of a puppies. And really, girl? That hair? No words, Cruey. No words.

5. URSULA (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

Ursula was baller. I don’t just say that because THE LITTLE MERMAID is my favorite Disney film, I say that because Ursula was baller. In a world of pretty mermaids and talking fish, she was a goddamn cecaelia. She was crude and vulgar, with such a manipulative disposition it made your skin crawl. She tells Ariel that Eric won’t give a damn what she says, as long as she looks the part, and encourages her to use her body to get what she wants. And when Ariel almost succeeds, she transforms herself into a sexy little vixen and uses freaking mind-control to get Eric away from her. If that’s not an unhinged, rabid crone, nothing is.

4. SCAR (THE LION KING)

Y’all didn’t think I’d forget Scar, did you? That’s cute. Scar killed Mufasa, left baby Simba fatherless, and then made Simba think it was all his fault. And the award for worst family member ever goes to…

3. HANS (FROZEN)

[Insert all the curse words ever here.]

Hans.

[Insert all the curse words ever in EVERY OTHER LANGUAGE EVER here.]

2. SHAN YU (MULAN)

Murdered hundreds. Had a really cool birdy, but he murdered hundreds. The words, “Besides, the little girl will be missing her doll.” will run circles around my nightmares for, probably, the rest of my life… I mean, the dude POPPED OUTA THE SNOW. LIKE A DAISY. He was everything you would ever want in a villain, and then a lot more you wouldn’t.

1. CLAUDE FROLLO (THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)

I feel as if Frollo gets left off these lists, or shoved to the very bottom, way too often. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME is usually forgotten altogether; no princes or princesses, an ugly main character, a couple of average songs at best (which isn’t actually true – the soundtrack’s quite beautiful – but is, again, forgotten) and an ehh-he’s-OK villain. Except he’s not ehh, nor just “OK.” Claude Frollo was possibly the most despicable, disgusting, inhuman, wretched monster that Disney ever gave us. A “justice deacon” who was anything but just, he was not only a racist, callous and barbaric character that lacked any redeeming qualities, he called for a genocide of the entire Parisian gypsy population. He thought gypsies were sinful animals, unclean and impure, yet that still didn’t stop him from being so sexually attracted to Esmeralda that he gave her a choice to either love him or die. A blatant misogynist, Frollo condemned Esmeralda as a prostitute and heathen when she rejected him, citing that he was coerced by demons into being attracted to her. That, on top of his shunning of the disfigured Quasimodo, locking the poor soul in the tower and forbidding him to ever see the light of day, easily puts the foul and abhorrent Claude Frollo at the top of the list.

It’s always a challenge to rank characters; most, if not all, have qualities to both admire and despise, but in this particular case, there is no competition – the throne is rightly thrown (sharp end first please, and see what I did there?) at the heinous and vile Frollo, while the rest can chill and have a drink that while they while they may not be seated on Disney’s Iron Throne, they sure won’t be poisoned in an act of sweet retribution, either.

Clockwise, TOP L-to-R: Maleficent, Cruella de Vil, Scar, The Evil Queen, Hades, Ursula, Hook, Jafar

L-to-R: Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty, Ariel, Snow White, Pocahontas, Jasmine, Belle, Mulan, Cinderella, Tiana

18. AURORA (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

She had a total of like, 15 minutes of screen time. This lazy ass slept the entire movie. Worst. Adventure. Ever.

17. SNOW WHITE (SNOW WHITE)

I’ll say it, I totally have judging eyes on this one. She seriously just moved in with seven rando dudes she’d never met before? Who is she? But at least she didn’t just nap for an hour, like some other ladies.

16. TIANA (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

So this one surprised me. Tiana, one of our only ethnic Princesses, is also one of the more recent princesses so you’d think she’d be a super strong, kick-ass girl who sends a great message to the young’ns… Except she doesn’t. The entire film is about how dedicating her life to a career isn’t enough – she needs a man, too. That isn’t her fault, sure, but the part where she believes it, is. Boo!

15. ELSA (FROZEN)

I can see the hate mail now, but that doesn’t change the fact that Elsa was not a great role model. Sure, she was raised to be ashamed of herself and hide who and what she was, but she also let her sister die because she was too cowardly to stand up for herself. Shame on her.

14. ARIEL (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

As far as selfish princesses go, Ariel is pretty up there. She gave up her entire family and everyone she loved to be with a dude she just met… Who she didn’t actually meet. For Christ sake, there wasn’t even an introduction. The only reason she isn’t ranked lower is because she had a point: you can’t always make everyone else happy and sometimes you just gotta be you, even if it means you might disappoint others.

13. RAPUNZEL (TANGLED)

She was a dreamer, and a romantic and that’s great. She was also ridiculously naïve and got her boo killed. (Doesn’t matter that she brought him back, that’s not the point here.) I’m kinda split 50/50 on her. I’ll give her props for not giving up on her dream but allowing it to change, and being generally adorable. Also: Pascal.

12. JANE (TARZAN)

Jane may not have been the most interesting character, but she was open to new things and that’s a really important trait in a person. She didn’t understand Tarzan’s world, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to. She taught him how to speak, and while the argument could be made that she tried to change him (by taking him back to England) she didn’t – in fact it was just the opposite, she realized and accepted that he was from a different world than her, and she was cool with that. Pretty good message of tolerance right there.

11. BELLE (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

Again, with the hate mail. Yes, Belle was very smart and book-wormish, encouraging reading and using your imagination… But she also fell in love with a monster who kidnapped her and held her against her will. Yeah ok, she saw the best in him but that doesn’t make up for the major Stockholm Syndrome that came along with her entire experience.

10. CINDERELLA (CINDERELLA)

Yet another princess that fell in love with a man she just met (I’m sensing a theme) but you gotta give it to her – she would not let go of her dreams. She found something she wanted and she found a way to get it. Sure, she could have had more of a spine standing up to her wretched step-sisters, but when your livelihood depends on those freaks do what’s necessary. As far as entertainment value, GusGus was the bomb.

9. MEGARA (HERCULES)

The sass. Sure, she was a baddie for the first portion of the film, but she was also participating in Hades’ schemes against her will and eventually saved Hercules from a falling pillar, sacrificing herself. When Hercules was accepted by the Gods in Olympus, she didn’t ask him to stay with her or give it up for her which is pretty noble (or martyr-ish, depending on your point of view). But either way, the sass.

8. POCAHONTAS (POCAHONTAS)

The only reason she’s number 8 is because we have a lot more to go. She was awesome. Strong, courageous, wise, unafraid to be scared (which is hard work!) and she saved hundreds of lives. Girl power. (Could you imagine her as a Spice Girl? She’d be like, Nature Spice or something, which sounds like a really pleasant cup of tea.)

7. ALICE (ALICE IN WONDERLAND)

The drugs, the curiosity, the adventure. Alice was awesome. There was no prince, no saving necessary, just a girl exploring a world that must have had LSD in its water supply. Alice went with the flow, and yes while she may have gotten frustrated and homesick, she figured it all out her damn self. (With the help of some colorful friends. Literally, colorful. Cheshire Cat, anyone?)

6. JASMINE (ALADDIN)

Eight words: “I am not a prize to be won.”

5. KIDA (ATLANTIS)

A badass [ethnic] princess from a long forgotten underwater kingdom with shocking amounts of wisdom, awesome fighting skills and hair that I would kill to pull off. Kida was not named one of Disney’s Princesses because ATLANTIS was not a musical, but that doesn’t change the fact that she became a goddamn Queen. Quite literally.

4. MERIDA (BRAVE)

Merida is my spirit animal. She’s strong, tough as nails, refuses to be anyone other than herself, a killer archer, and the hair. Only reason she isn’t one of the top three is because she was a bit of a brat to her mom. Sure, teen angst, blah blah blah, but it took mama getting turned into a bear for her to change her attitude. Stubborn lass, she was.

3. ANNA (FROZEN)

Absolutely the most relatable out of all the women on this list. Anna was full of spunk and life, and Kristen Bell was just perfect to voice her. Even after Elsa turned out to be what she was, Anna would not give up on her. She loved Elsa more than she deserved and would have (and did) do anything to protect her sister.

The last two are really tough to rank. On the one hand we have a warrior who, in a time where everyone was bound by honor, men were required to fight for the emperor and women trained to be silent, Mulan wouldn’t have it. She masqueraded as a man to protect her father, and ended up saving an entire country. On the other hand, we have a loyal and compassionate gypsy, the lowest of all in Parisian society who put everyone else before herself. She fought for the less fortunate, the outcasts, and the minorities to be treated equally. Mulan had to fight as a man and ended up changing her place in the world, but Esmeralda chose to fight as herself for everyone else. For that I rank them:

2. MULAN (MULAN)

1. ESMERALDA (THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)

Honestly I’ve got no words of wisdom or closing remarks about this list. It’s always hard to rank your favorites because you want to see the best in them – that’s why they’re your favorites. But admitting their faults and loving them all the same is ok, too. (read: Sound advice in life.)

*Also: Anastasia was not included in this list because she was not Disney, she was 20th Century Fox. Haters.

Day 7, Monday October 17th, 2011.

Slang of the day: halfie. Origin: Australia. Definition: half an hour, though probably half a chub too. Used in a sentence: I’ll be lucky to last a halfie while watching Rihanna music videos.

The previous day Sacha and I had connected on the “book of faces” and promised to reconvene at a later date. We still plan to.

Now I was onto Bath, one of the oldest and most historic cities in England. As per my routine, I find my hostel at a time too early to check in even after getting turned around at least three times, but drop off my backpack and explore the town until I can officially get my bed for the evening. I find a small pub (it’s actually Bath’s smallest pub) named the Coeur de Lion and order my first fish ‘n chips in England. Apparently I should’ve done it closer to the water (no shit), but it had to be done. I also had a Bellringer ale pint, which was brewed in Bath or at least nearby.

Talking point on English ale: The beers are numerous, different and everywhere. They have great and interesting flavor but are generally cask ales, meaning when served at a bar they are served “cellar cool,” which means that it’s served at room temperature (that’s not what it means but that’s what happens). English ales aren’t served cold and aren’t supposed to be; they aren’t tapped from kegs. English ale could be special if everything was cold, and while it’s still good, it’s hard to get used to warm beer. I don’t think it’s possible, actually.

I’m nervous for the fish ‘n chips because there is no ketchup in sight, and tartar sauce might be my only option. When it’s served, the tartar sauce is actually “cooked” and hot, so I give it a go. I tend to ascribe to Ben’s rule of hating white sauces (ranch, mayo, cum, tartar, etc.), but I’ll admit I was wrong. Hot tartar sauce is delicious, and the combination of it, lemon and flaky fried fish hit the spot.

Then I took my 3rd free walking tour, led by an old lady fascinated by fecal matter. You may have noticed I spend a lot of time talking about shit on this blog, but that might just because England is shitty (ba-dum-ch). But seriously, this was my least favorite of the tours thus far, and she spent a lot of time telling us how bad the human waste problem was before they had sewage and pipes. The tour was also long and kinda boring, though I did learn that many people boarded up their windows or moved them closer together because Bath used to have a window tax! Fascinating stuff. It didn’t help that this was the first tour I didn’t have anyone to talk to. [Sidenote: I forgot to mention that during the London tour a girl asked an Asian guy to take a picture of her with a royal guard and the guy dropped her camera on the pavement. Hilarious.]

That all said, Bath is beautiful and the architecture is incredible. It was a Roman town (translation: old as hell), lauded for its natural hot steam spas and decadence, and has the buildings to prove it. Of course, as I was told, without sewage, they became tubs of shit and urine, which allowed me to check off actually paying to go inside the spas, and going to some of the new one’s to spa myself (it seems silly to get really clean when you’re sleeping in a hostel, a point that will be reinforced later). In many parts the buildings are Georgian. In particular, the Crescent and the Circus, as designed by John Wood, were awesome. This is where Barrett rocks his job and provides nice pictures for you, until I can upload mine. If he doesn’t, google it.

Lastly, Bath was, for a time, the lucky home of Jane Austen and the setting for Northanger Abbey and Persuasion. Before I flew out here, I brought a few themed novels to read while travelling, and vowed to buy more that I had never read before as I came to them. Unfortunately, that means I now have to read some Jane Austen, but maybe that will make me understand periods. Also added to the reading list is Alice in Wonderland (Oxford). Of course, since I’m still on my first book, Once and Future King, I may never get to them.

Anyways, I buy a baguette for dinner (47p), which I learned from Sacha is the ultimate way to save money on food and still not die from starvation (the other option is to have a Guiness instead), and return to my hostel. I meet a couple guys in the weird creepy TV room at the top of the staircase. One is Christian (my spelling is definitely wrong), an odd German, and the other is Jimmy Olsen, Clark Kent’s favorite photojournalist for the Daily Planet (he’s actually an Australian).

Jimmy agrees to go on the Bizarre Bath Comedy Walk with me, which Rick Steves recommended and is relatively cheap for students (which I am when I show them my IC card that shows no expiration date!), and with nothing else to do, we go, and I don’t know how to describe it, beyond it being funny and an enjoyable time, especially if you enjoy puns, “magic,” stuffed rabbits, and audience participation. If you’re ever in Bath, see it for yourself.

As planned earlier we meet Christian at a bar, and join two of our fellow Bizarre Bath walkers into what turns out to be a festival of jager, and arguably my most fun night since travelling. The two we join are a couple. The girl is Hazel from Australia, and I remember that name solely because of its uniqueness, not because she was banging. Coincidentally, I don’t remember her British boyfriend’s name, though the guy ruled. Rounds of jager bombs go left and right, and the mission becomes to get Christian shitfaced, because he clearly doesn’t drink often (and he’s german!). This leads to Christian obsessing about adding us on facebook and being more interested in what I have to say than anyone I’ve ever seen (he was literally inches away from my face). He may have been gay. But he also never added me on facebook, the jerk.

Later, I’m rudely introduced to a new drinking game: Save the Queen. Essentially you drop a pound (a dollar coin) into someone’s glass and they have to “save the queen” (from drowning, I suppose) by chugging the contents of the drink. Depending on how you look at it, I was either awful or amazing at this game. I can chug repeatedly, but couldn’t really defend my glass from anyone. Of course, they usually paid for another beer afterwards, so why stop them? After this I explain to them real games like flip cup and beer pong. Drinking games in England = singing. Upon being introduced to Dandy and Drandy, the Brit guy calls me the most controversial American he’s ever met.

We finish at the bar at the hostel and pool our money together to get as much alcohol we could into a cocktail jug. Christian was MIA.

I go to the bathroom before bed and am horrified to see vomit in the sink, on the floor, and later, in the trash can in our room and on someone’s bed, thank Krishna my bed is safe. Using my keen detective skills, I figured it was Christian, that poor guy.

After that there was nothing left to do but go to bed and piss myself.

Next: Andy goes to Wales!