I do not like Angelina Jolie, but when I say she was the best part of this 97-minute Disney flick, I mean that with the utmost respect and complimentary intentions. I went into this movie really hoping that it would change my opinion about SLEEPING BEAUTY and make me love Maleficent the way everyone else seemed to. Instead, the movie made me wonder what in the hell the studio was thinking. In an effort to make the audience empathize with one of the most infamous Disney villains of all time, they changed the [Disney] story of Sleeping Beauty* altogether, and made an arguably strong female villain, into a horrible depiction of a spurned woman. Thus, the critique that follows is that of an angry feminist, because there is no other way for me to express my rage at this atrocity.

Before I start on my rant, let me a say a few brief words about the rest of the film. The SFX were acceptable. I keep reminding myself that this is a Disney movie that was designed, marketed and made for children, and that I shouldn’t be too critical of the choice of magical creatures created or how fake the CGI** was, but I can’t seem to get past it. I wanted something darker and grittier – Maleficent was a villain – but somehow the fairies and all the other “dark” creatures were just so absurdly comical and obviously fake that I don’t think I ever really fully invested in the story; my disbelief was not, and could not be, suspended.

In addition, while the majority of the writing and dialogue was average, some was absolutely horrid. There were lines (about the begging, for example. Something about, “You’re begging. I like it when you do that.” or some such silly nonsense) that made my skin crawl because they were so overwritten and utterly ridiculous (so much so that not even a child in the ideal marketing demographic would have enjoyed them). But on the other hand, there were a few really great lines too, and Jolie had some wonderful dry humor-moments. For instance when she looked down at baby Aurora and hissed and the child just giggled and cooed. Maleficent snapped back with a sharp, “I hate you.” and it was so hilarious and endearing that you almost forgave all the bad lines (of which there were quite a few).

The minimal positive qualities were really limited to one: Diaval, Maleficent’s sidekick. While he didn’t get the screen time I wished he had, nor the ending (I was totally rooting for him to be Prince Charming) his comic relief and acting as Maleficent’s good conscience was quite lovely throughout the entirety of the film.

But really, the only other good thing I have to say about this film is that Jolie did a particularly good job for what she was given to work with. She made Maleficent likeable and funny, and really made us connect with an otherwise horribly conceived character. She not only looked the part and had the calm, cool and collected attitude to really chill someone to the bone, even when she was angry and dark, Jolie was really able to get Maleficent’s vulnerability across which is something I haven’t seen her do successfully, maybe ever. (…Also, that opinion may be a little tainted because I truly can’t stand the woman.)

And now the femirant begins. The premise of this film – of Maleficent’s origin – is that she fell in love with a poor boy, and at 16 he gave her “true love’s kiss.” That boy then went to work in the castle and upon the kings’ deathbed, he decreed that the person who brought him Maleficent’s wings would be named his successor. In turn that boy, Stefan, returned to Maleficent, manipulated her, cut off her wings and then became king. Maleficent grew vengeful and hateful at the betrayal and on the day of Aurora’s introduction and celebration of birth, Maleficent cursed her that she would fall into a deep sleep on her 16^th birthday only to be awoken by true love’s kiss.

Thus, Aurora was carted off to live with the three most annoying fairies anyone could have ever designed, and Maleficent began to watch over her while she grew up. Even through her hate and rage at Stefan, she grew to love and harbor affection for the sweet natured Aurora, and when the curse fell upon her, it was Maleficent’s kiss that woke her, not Prince Phillip’s (who I’m pretty sure was one of the boys from One Direction. That hipster hair was the worst.)

In theory, this all sounds like a very touching tale of darkness and redemption, but looking at it clearly it’s a story of a woman scorned by a man whose only path back from evil was through motherly affection for a young girl. Maleficient, at the betrayal of her true love (however rightly so: this dude physically abused her and gave a whole new meaning to “domestic violence” by mutilating the poor woman) pushed her so far down the path of retribution that she would curse a baby using the same words that solidified her trust in that man to begin with.

However, after getting to know this little girl and learning to love her as a daughter, Maleficent sees the error of her ways – her maternal instinct is too strong and she tries to lift the curse (to no avail because evil Maleficent was apparently more cunning than good Maleficent). In fact, Maleficent’s love apparently grows so strong that it becomes “true love” and she is the one to break her own curse, waking Aurora from her sleep.

It could be argued that it wasn’t about a spiteful woman enacting revenge, but about love between women, and I would be more than willing to accept that… Had the message that maternal instinct is what saves women from a path of evil not been so apparent. A man hurts her, and the only way for her to get back on track to being a “hero” and beloved by all the magical creatures is by being a mother to a girl – that was not unlike herself when she was a child. Disney tried so badly to make Maleficent into an empathetic character that in twisting her story of descent into something that could be restored in the end, they [un]intentionally sent a horrible message about women.

While I do believe that the story was written this way to ensure a family-friendly atmosphere (true love is always good for that), there must have been a better alternative. What if Stefan had been her brother and traded her in for the human world? Or what if she had traded him in for the magical one? What if it wasn’t Stefan at all, but the nameless and absent queen? What if they were sisters – or best friends – and one betrayed the other? Disney had to make Maleficent’s actions worthy of the crime, and moreover, the crime worthy of the reaction, but the way in they mapped out her story to be recouped in the end was all wrong. The man-hate-only-forgivable-by-maternal-sentiment was the weakest link in the entire film, which was not very strong to begin with.

Unfortunately for Disney, their first live-action Villain story left so much to be desired, that one can only hope they will learn their lesson if they ever decided to reinvent Ursula, Jafar or The Evil Queen and give them more substance than merely wicked, gender-specific trials and tribulations.

*In the original story of Sleeping Beauty, Aurora was cursed for 100 years and in that century her “Prince Charming” found her, raped her, and in her sleep she gave birth to twins. Only after all that horror did she wake up.

**The CGI wasn’t great, but the dragon was awesome. Then you stop and realize that Maleficent wasn’t the one to turn into the dragon in this version, and it’s suddenly less awesome.

The following list is based off my own discretion. Those I thought were interesting, those I liked, those I disliked. I got all the “major” villains, a few “minor” villains, and left out the more obscure villains (Shere Khan and Madam Mim? No one remembers them! But I do adore THE SWORD IN THE STONE. JUNGLEBOOK…not so much.)

L-to-R: Dr. Facilier, Ursula, Maleficient, The Evil Queen, Claude Frollo

With no further ado, here we go.

18. LADY TREMAINE (CINDERELLA)

As far as villains go, Lady T. was pretty weak. She had no real substance other than hating Cinderella, and while her daughters were a laugh and who didn’t love Lucifer, she was neither frightening nor interesting to watch. If we’re being honest, the scariest part about her was her hair.

17. THE EVIL QUEEN (SNOW WHITE)

The only reason she isn’t ranked last is because she absolutely terrified me as a child. I think I’ve watched SNOW WHITE a total of one time in my life because The Evil Queen’s old hag gave me nightmares for what seems like years. On how evil she is, there are quite a few vain villains on this list, and she is just another face in the crowd. Albeit, a goddamn scary one.

16. MALEFICENT (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Mallie-poo could turn into a dragon, and that’s pretty badass. Was she especially interesting? Nah, not really. I haven’t seen SLEEPING BEAUTY in ages, but I don’t recall there being any particular reason for Maleficent cursing baby Aurora. While the upcoming live-action MALEFICENT may serve to bump her up this list, as it stands now she was more “awesome-dragon-lady” than “run-for-the-hills-lady.” (Footnote: All the Disney posts of this week were originally conceived in honor of MALEFICENT’s premiere today, May 30, 2014. Cheers to a new generation of Fairy Tales, both Villains and Princesses alike!)

15. YZMA (THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE)

Yzma was hilarious. Everything about that skeleton-looking witch with absurd eye-lashes was hilarious, especially when she was turned into a cat. Villain-wise, she wasn’t nearly as evil as some of the other folks on here, but comedy-wise she was a hoot.

14. GASTON (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

Gaston was one cocky SOB. From the second he comes on-screen, you can’t help but want to punch him in his overly-chiseled jaw. He’s rude, crass, and way too narcissistic for someone who isn’t even all that sexy. If it came down it, I’d have taken Scar (a goddamn lion) over that fool, any day.

13. CAPTAIN HOOK (PETER PAN)

The Cap’n was awesome. Twisted, demented, in desperate need of some life-long therapy, yes, but awesome nonetheless. One handed and still able to capture a fairy? And – bonus – a rightful fear of crocs, ‘cause them is scary mofo’s. And one really must appreciate the irony of a man being so terrified of a clock on an island where time stands still. Therapy for days.

12. GOVERNOR RADCLIFFE (POCAHONTAS)

Governor Asshat is so high on this list because he shot John Smith. …And, you know, the general racism of wanting to exterminate (insert Dalek-icon here) an entire race of people. Should probably mention that too.

11. JAFAR (ALADDIN)

Every time I think of Jafar, I get two immediate thoughts: 1) Jasmine in that little red number, and 2) Jafar’s voice echoing in my head, “A snake, am I? Perhaps you’d like to see how snake like I can be!” and I get goosebumps. While a horrible racial depiction of brown-folks, Jafar was easily one of the most traumatizing villains Disney ever produced. He tuned Rajah into a little kitty (WHICH WAS ADORABLE), turned Abu into a tiny toy, locked Jasmine in an hourglass after making her his sex-slave, and allowed Iago to be fed those disgusting crackers.

10. DR. FACILIER (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

In terms of badness, the good Doctor could definitely have been worse (Frogs are pretty weak. They weren’t even poisonous frogs!) But in terms of creep factor, The Shadow Man could give even Jafar a run for his money. Sadistic, manipulative, horribly frightening, Keith David once again found a way to chill us to our core bringing to life the epitome of rotten, bottom-feeding scumbags.

9. HADES (HERCULES)

Hilarious. Flamboyant. Pretty cool blue-flame-hair. Comedic timing anyone would kill for… Hades was a pretty good character, and even better villain. Would you make our hero Hercules surrender himself to the river Styx to save Megara? Watching the love of your life’s soul be devoured by the infamous mythological river (which was inaccurately portrayed like the entire rest of the movie) would have made anyone crazy, and Hades was a genius for subjecting Hercules to it. Cruel, but genius.

8. GOTHEL (TANGLED)

What a B. She was even more self-obsessed than Gaston, with even less inhibition. Crazy-G was ready to let a man die to keep her kidnapped daughter locked in a tower against her will, so that she could stay young forever. On further examination, it’s doctor recommended she be locked in a psych ward with mandatory daily shrink sessions to deal with her serious control issues. And preferably with a boat-load of tranquilizers.

7. THE QUEEN OF HEARTS (ALICE IN WONDERLAND)

Not much really needs to be said about The Queen. She was cuh-razy. A demented, probably bipolar female, with a penchant for beheading when she gets a bit testy? I’d pay to see this wacko go up against Cersei, and am honestly unsure if I’d be Team Lannister or Team Psychopath.

6. CRUELLA DE VIL (101 DALMATIONS)

Speaking of the crazies, this lady was maniacal and wanted to murder a bunch of a puppies. And really, girl? That hair? No words, Cruey. No words.

5. URSULA (THE LITTLE MERMAID)

Ursula was baller. I don’t just say that because THE LITTLE MERMAID is my favorite Disney film, I say that because Ursula was baller. In a world of pretty mermaids and talking fish, she was a goddamn cecaelia. She was crude and vulgar, with such a manipulative disposition it made your skin crawl. She tells Ariel that Eric won’t give a damn what she says, as long as she looks the part, and encourages her to use her body to get what she wants. And when Ariel almost succeeds, she transforms herself into a sexy little vixen and uses freaking mind-control to get Eric away from her. If that’s not an unhinged, rabid crone, nothing is.

4. SCAR (THE LION KING)

Y’all didn’t think I’d forget Scar, did you? That’s cute. Scar killed Mufasa, left baby Simba fatherless, and then made Simba think it was all his fault. And the award for worst family member ever goes to…

3. HANS (FROZEN)

[Insert all the curse words ever here.]

Hans.

[Insert all the curse words ever in EVERY OTHER LANGUAGE EVER here.]

2. SHAN YU (MULAN)

Murdered hundreds. Had a really cool birdy, but he murdered hundreds. The words, “Besides, the little girl will be missing her doll.” will run circles around my nightmares for, probably, the rest of my life… I mean, the dude POPPED OUTA THE SNOW. LIKE A DAISY. He was everything you would ever want in a villain, and then a lot more you wouldn’t.

1. CLAUDE FROLLO (THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)

I feel as if Frollo gets left off these lists, or shoved to the very bottom, way too often. THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME is usually forgotten altogether; no princes or princesses, an ugly main character, a couple of average songs at best (which isn’t actually true – the soundtrack’s quite beautiful – but is, again, forgotten) and an ehh-he’s-OK villain. Except he’s not ehh, nor just “OK.” Claude Frollo was possibly the most despicable, disgusting, inhuman, wretched monster that Disney ever gave us. A “justice deacon” who was anything but just, he was not only a racist, callous and barbaric character that lacked any redeeming qualities, he called for a genocide of the entire Parisian gypsy population. He thought gypsies were sinful animals, unclean and impure, yet that still didn’t stop him from being so sexually attracted to Esmeralda that he gave her a choice to either love him or die. A blatant misogynist, Frollo condemned Esmeralda as a prostitute and heathen when she rejected him, citing that he was coerced by demons into being attracted to her. That, on top of his shunning of the disfigured Quasimodo, locking the poor soul in the tower and forbidding him to ever see the light of day, easily puts the foul and abhorrent Claude Frollo at the top of the list.

It’s always a challenge to rank characters; most, if not all, have qualities to both admire and despise, but in this particular case, there is no competition – the throne is rightly thrown (sharp end first please, and see what I did there?) at the heinous and vile Frollo, while the rest can chill and have a drink that while they while they may not be seated on Disney’s Iron Throne, they sure won’t be poisoned in an act of sweet retribution, either.

Clockwise, TOP L-to-R: Maleficent, Cruella de Vil, Scar, The Evil Queen, Hades, Ursula, Hook, Jafar

GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE is an unabashed TARZAN ripoff, but in America, if you can get away with it, ripoffs are celebrated and become franchises all their own. Yay laws of parody.

Believe it or not, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE began as a cartoon series in 1967 (intro, above),  created by Jay Ward and Bill Scott. Jay Ward also created Rocky, Bullwinkle, Peabody, Sherman and Dudley Do-Right. He might’ve been the most important man in the universe.

A mere 30 years later veteran TV director Sam Weisman got his hands on the film adaptation. Sam Weisman directed practically every episode of FAMILY TIES, while also bringing one of the top cinematic pleasures of the 1990’s (or any decade) to the big screen, in D2: THE MIGHTY DUCKS. Unfortunately, he’d spend the rest of his life trying and failing to recapture that magic (unless IN PLAIN SIGHT is super good, I don’t fucking know).

GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE takes Tarzan, a love story about a man who grew up in the jungle, and makes him dumber than a stoned Jessica Simpson. He thinks his elephant is a dog…and his elephant Shep goes along with it. It’s hilarious that Ape (a Gorilla; great name), his bestie, is far smarter than George, because George is a human, you see.

When I was a kid, I definitely thought GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE was one of the greatest fucking things I’d ever seen. I had the theme song stuck in my head for way too long, and no longer was I web-slinging from building to building like Spidey. Now I was swinging from branch to branch like a moron, with the added benefit that I could do so shirtless, and finish by hitting into things, JUST LIKE THE CHARACTER.

Recently, I revisited this film with a few of my friends (after a couple of other movies/drinks), and…it didn’t age so well.

Brendan Fraser is kind of a lovable joke today, but GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE proved to be a turning point in his career, as it must have played a helping hand in getting the leading role in THE MUMMY, which he was perfect for. Aside from Nicolas Cage, is there an actor with more awful films on his resume? MONKEYBONE, BEDAZZLED, DUDLEY DO-RIGHT, ENCINO MAN (a film that stars Fraser AND Pauly Shore, an unholy combo), etc. In 1999, Brendan Fraser was one of the biggest leading men in Hollywood after THE MUMMY hit it big. By 2003, he was in LOONEY TUNES: BACK IN ACTION. Fraser’s IMDB reads as if every 3 years he HAS to star in the most deplorable film of that particular year. He’ll always have SCRUBS.

I still think there’s a comeback in Fraser, as he could totally rock a sitcom, or some Tim Allen-like role in a SANTA CLAUSE like farce, but after watching GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, you kind of wonder why he ever existed in the first place.

Well, them abs.

John Cleese manages to avoid any flack for being in this film, because he’s (an) Ape, and probably the best part of the movie. The fact that John Cleese is in GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE went right above my head when I was 9 and first saw this film. Today, that fact is hilarious/sad.

I feel the most sorry for Leslie Mann, because Ursula essentially makes a fool of herself the entire movie and manages to fall in love with (a more “attractive”) Forrest Gump. I’m talking out of my ass, but this role effectively killed her career until she met and married Judd Apatow. Though, she was in BIG DADDY.

It’s Ross and Monica’s Mom too!

You know who I don’t feel sorry for? Thomas Haden Church. His role as Lyle Van de Groot consistently proves that there can always be worse acting, and this is a movie where Fraser is bouncing around making chimp noises for 92 minutes. But at least he was enthusiastic. Thomas Haden Church was being Thomas Haden Church. Though, of course, he always is that. But in GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, it makes everything hurt.

Thankfully in the six years between the first film and its sequel (YEAH I KNOW), I grew some self-respect, and never saw GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE 2.

Christopher Showerman, who’s only qualification was to sort of look like Brendan Fraser and look good shirtless, took the reins in the sequel. Also, he apparently rides in an airplane shirtless, which is good, because there wasn’t enough shirtless scenes in the original. It’s kind of cute that a guy named Showerman looks perpetually like he’s about to get in a shower in the film.

Hilariously enough, Thomas Haden Church reprises his role as Lyle, John Cleese also returns as Ape (who could possibly replace him?) and Angus T. Suck (above, right) in Pre-TWO AND A HALF MEN form plays George’s SON (George Jr., naturally). Even more interestingly, Leslie Mann was switched out for Julie Benz of ANGEL and DEXTER fame, meaning that two of my favorite women in Hollywood both played one of the grossest female parts in film history.

In 2007, GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE resurfaced again in cartoon form (apparently every cartoon is modeled after THE WILD THORNBERRIES), because after missing the boat in ’77 and ’87, studios have made damn sure not to miss out on the opportunity to grace us with more George in a year that coincides with its anniversary. And this is a property no one cares about.

And because I wrote entirely too much about something no one cares about, onto the booze.

 GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE DRINKING GAME RULES:

1. Every time the film switches from live action to cartoon, drink.

2. Technically you could waterfall for this one, but drink every time GOTJ is “mocking”/ripping off Tarzan.

3. Drink for every crotch injury.

4. Whenever “Watch Out For That Tree!” is yelled, drink.

5. Take a sip every time George does his weird yodeling cry or makes chimp noises.

6. Waterfall for the opening theme song.

7. Drink every time Ursula calls George “fella.”

8. Sip every time the narrator says something. I’d sip liberally whenever it’s something idiotic.

9. Drink for every different kind of animal. I’d double it when they’re so obviously fake (like when George falls on top of a stuffed animal lion right before their fight/tickle/wrestle scene).

10. Sip on your beer whenever Thomas Haden Church is the worst part of this awful awful movie. The guy would somehow rebound and be nominated for an Oscar.

11. Whenever George refers to himself in the third person, drink.

12. Drink when George puts on human clothes. Society changes people. Stupid society.

AND FINALLY…

13. Drink if you would go opening day if this movie happened:

EXPERT VERSION: Sip for nips. It’s a general life rule that I play by (take a sip for every nip you see; it’s kind of awkward in the bedroom, but worse on the bus), but for GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE, this rule becomes life-threatening, as it’s a veritable PARADE of nipples, since Brendan Fraser is shirtless for 99% of the film (making rule #12 all the more special). Not to mention all the ape nipples you might catch, or any of the natives.